- The Atlantic League is an independent baseball league where washed-up and wannabe major leaguers go in one last attempt to revive their flagging baseball careers. They go out and play for little money, make long road trips, hustle, grind and battle, all for one last shot at making it back to the majors. Either that or they go mental and start clubbing people with their bat when they’re hit by a pitch. Take former MLB all-star Jose Offerman, for example. Offerman was playing for the Long Island Ducks in an Atlantic League game against the Bridgeport Bluefish when pitcher Matt Beech dotted him with an inside pitch following Offerman’s home run off of Beech earlier in the game. No problem, right? It happens all the time in baseball, batters being hit by pitches. Sometimes the batter takes it in stride, shakes it off and heads to first base. Occasionally, there’s some sort of beanball war or bad blood going on between the two teams and the batter will glare at the pitcher, perhaps point and yell or once in a rare while, charge the mound. Even in those rare instances, though, baseball players are notorious for not actually wanting to fight. They basically push each other, roll around in a big pile and look for someone to grab on to so they don’t have to fight. Not my main man J. Offerman, though. Dude went out to the mound with bad intentions, bat in hand. He proceeded to strike Beech and Bluefish catcher John Nathans with the bat, inciting a brawl that ended with Offerman escorted from the field. He was allowed to go to the clubhouse and change into street clothes before being escorted out of the stadium by the Bridgeport police. The cops escorted him outside in handcuffs and into a waiting squad car, which took him to the police station to continue an already fantastic night. Offerman now faces two charges of second-degree assault and has been suspended indefinitely from the Atlantic League. Jose, I’m sorry to say it, but your baseball career might be over. You may, however, have a promising new career ahead of you, in Ultimate Fighting, Mixed Martial Arts or as Pacman Jones’ tag-team partner in Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Embrace the octagon, Jose, it’s your only hope now.
- For actors and actresses dealing with the end of a successful TV series on which they’ve been a fixture, the adjustment to life without that series can be difficult. The fame, income and status are gone and you have to figure out where to go next. However, no matter how tough life becomes, I can state with absolute certainty that one place you should never go is where former Sopranos star Joseph R. Gannascoli went. Gannascoli, who played homosexual mobster Vito Spatafore on HBO’s recently concluded dramatic series, has signed an endorsement deal with Rockwell Billiards to promote a $100 pool cue with the slogan, “A cue to die for.” Why is this so problematic? Well, Gannascoli’s Sopranos character was beaten to death and sodomized with pool cues once they discovered he was homosexual. Thus G.L.A.A.D., the homosexual rights group, is livid and although I don’t share their zeal and outrage, I do think the ads are classless. I don’t know about you, but the idea of a person, male or female, straight or homosexual, being sodomized with something as crude as a pool cue is revolting. To turn around and capitalize on that portrayal with a tongue-in-cheek ad campaign is sleazy. It would be like Dennis Hopper cashing in on his raping-a-woman-with-scissors scene from Blue Velvet by endorsing scissors with a campaign of, “You’ll feel violated if you buy any other scissors.” Make better choices on what you endorse, Gannascoli, so no one wastes any more time talking about you.
- I love Buddhists, really I do. I can't afford the bad karma that comes from being at odds with these peace-loving souls. That being said, not everyone is so welcoming and embracing of the Buddhists and their often-unusual antics. The New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection has stated that the Amitabha Buddhists who bought hundreds of eels, frogs and turtles and set them free in a Paterson, N.J. river did not have a permit for the mass release and could be fined as much as $1,000 for their efforts. The Buddhists apparently hoped that the animals would survive in the once-polluted stream and reach their karmic potential. Instead, the D.E.P. is going to be receiving its own share of bad karma, which I’d say they are richly deserving of for having that ginormous stick up their a** and harassing these poor Buddhists……..
- As if parking rates and exorbitant taxi fares weren’t enough, Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to make car travel in New York City even more expensive. The mayor’s plan calls for extra tolls for driving in the busiest parts of Manhattan, a tactic being labeled congestion pricing. If Bloomberg can talk the state legislature into supporting this measure, he will also receive $354 million in additional federal funding to help his quest to reduce traffic and pollution in NYC. Quite frankly, I couldn’t be more thrilled about this blatant cash grab by a self-serving politician. It should result in a great boost for my new business, a fleet of rat-drawn rickshaws, which will put some of the city’s larger, stronger, more physically able rodents in the workforce instead of roaming around subway stations, pestering travelers……
- Pope Benedict XVI has already pissed off leaders from every other major religions in the world by erroneously claiming that Roman Catholicism is the only true way to heaven, but now he’s running afoul of an even more hostile, vocal group: environmentalists. In preparing for His Arrogance’s visit to Austria next month, officials there are planning to tear down four trees originally planted near a popular Roman Catholic shrine for a 1983 visit by Pope John Paul II. The trees will now come down to make room for a grandstand to be used during His Pomposity’s visit. Environmentalists are predictably upset by the decision to fell the four trees, while I’m angrier about anyone catering to this jerk in any way at all. Let’s go environmentalists, there have to be four of you willing to chain yourselves to these trees, let’s get it done!
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