- At long last, the nightmare is over. Bar-roid Bonds has hit his 756th career home run and set a new record, so the nonstop Bar-roid Watch can cease, ESPN can stop broadcasting every Giants game and the most joyless death march in sports can stop. I consider myself fortunate for not having watched the milestone home run live, because finding out about it on SportsCenter this morning was bad enough. On one hand I was thankful it was over, but on the other hand I did have a decent amount of anger that it had happened. I don’t look at Bar-roid any differently now that he has the record, because pre-record I saw him as a surly, bitter jackass cheater and now that he has the record I see him as a surly, bitter jackass cheater. Thanks for nothing, Bar-roid, you will be forever irrelevant as far as I’m concerned, I’m just going to pretend that your entire career never even happened. One humorous note from last night’s broadcast of the game between the Giants and Washington Nationals: Announcer Rick Sutcliffe, who apparently is still living in 1984, made the comment that a lot of film was wasted in Monday night’s game photographing Bar-roid because he didn’t hit a home run in that game, but that it looked like fans had restocked their cameras with film in time for Tuesday night’s contest. No Sutt, the rest of us are living in 2007, where most people have digital cameras and there’s no need for actual film. You can take hundreds of pictures and delete them off your memory card if you don’t want them, it’s an amazing concept. I actually like Sutt, he’s generally a good announcer but it’s funny that someone can be that far behind the times.
- Sometimes I feel genuinely bad for people who end up seeing a bad movie in the theater. A movie might look promising before you actually go see it and then bomb out once you see it for real. However, I have no such sympathy for anyone who pays even two cents to go see Daddy Day Camp. The movie is a sequel to the lame, pathetic Daddy Day Care film of 2003 starring Eddie Murphy. I actually think that the ideal title for this movie would have been The Perfect Storm, but George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg have already used that one. I say The Perfect Storm would be a good title, but a more complete name would be The Perfect Storm of Bad Acting, Atrocious Writing, a Lame Premise and No Intelligence Whatsoever. The premise sets the stage for a predictable, awful movie, with a rundown old camp bought by a loveable loser (Paul Rae) who used to be a camper there. He gets a motley crew of kids to come to camp and they end up competing with a group of kids from a much nicer, better-furnished and funded camp and guess what, the loveable losers come out on top! Yeah, even Stevie Wonder would see that plot twist coming before the opening credits even finished. All of the predictable bad jokes and lame-o humor are present as well, rounding out one of the five worst movies to come out this year. Cuba Gooding Jr. may have won an Oscar previously, but this movie is bad enough that maybe the Academy should think about asking for that trophy back.
- Hmm, to watch the MTV Video Music Awards or not……….hmm. Let’s see, who are some of the most-nominated artists, people who are likely to be a big part of the broadcast…..well, there’s the weasel-on-helium-voiced, Michael Jackson-wannabe Justin Timberlake, tied for the lead in nominations with seven. Who’s he tied with? Oh, it’s Beyonce, a dancing, acting pop singer whose awful music would be completely unlistenable if not for the fact that she has quite a bit of vocal ability. Other nominees include the following artists whose music I wouldn’t listen to even if it were found to increase your IQ tenfold and make you a hundred times more attractive to the opposite sex: Rihanna, Amy Winehouse, Maroon 5, Akon, Fergie and Nelly Furtado. Yes, that’s right, you don’t need actual music talent to be nominated for an award, just lip sync your way through a special effects-laden music video with a few celebrity cameos and you too can be nominated for an MTV Video Music Award! The White Stripes actually received a few nominations, so they can be the ambassadors of good music in a gathering of mostly crappy, overrated hack jobs (yeah, looking right at you, Fergie and N. Furtado, you both suck). Should you care to tune in for this crap-tacular shindig, it airs live on MTV at 9 p.m. on Sept. 24, then again at a rate of seven or eight times a day for the next several months, as is MTV’s custom with all of its awards shows.
- Occasionally, when you say something incredibly stupid and receive a lot of heat for your verbal misstep, you should simply let it go and move on. Going back to clarify what you said or what you meant to say can actually land you in more trouble than you were in after your initial comments. Keith Richards needs to hear that message, because he’s either too stoned, too brain damaged or just plain dumb enough not to realize that trying to explain what he really meant by claiming that he’d snorted his deceased father’s cremated remains is making matters worse, not better. A couple months ago, my main man K. Richards (who happens to be blasting through my iPod right now) got a lot of criticism for telling a British publication that he mixed his father’s ashes with some cocaine and snorted the mixture. Now, he’s backpedaling and claiming that he didn’t cut his old man’s remains with some toot, but instead snorted the ashes straight up. Yeah, because that’s much better, to snort a dead family member’s ashes pure instead of mixing them with blow. How is that any better or more palatable? “The cocaine bit was rubbish,” Richards said. “I said I chopped him up like cocaine, not with. I pulled the lid off [my father's urn] and out comes a bit of dad on the dining room table. I'm going, 'I can't use the brush and dustpan for this. What I found out is that ingesting your ancestors is a very respectable way of...y'know, he went down a treat.” Oh, I get it now…no, actually I don’t. How is it respectful or honoring to a dead loved one to treat them like nose candy, do a few lines of them and act like everything is cool? Ozzy Osborne may have snorted a line of ants off of a popsicle stick, but at least none of those ants shared DNA with the Prince of Darkness.
- Russia just isn’t making any friends in the international world, is it? Already at odds with the United States on a plethora of issues (well, a lot of countries have every right to be pissed at us because of the idiotic stuff W. is doing) and creating a political stir by staking claim to the oil and natural gas riches at the North Pole, the Russkies are now going toe-to-toe with Britain over the Brits’ refusal to extradite Boris Berezovsky, a vocal critic of the Kremlin and a man exiled from the mother land for some times now. The Basmanny District Court issued a new arrest warrant for the wealthy tycoon, who is accused of stealing $13 million from Russian banking giant SBS-Agro. The British government has maintained that it will not extradite Berezovsky, a stance that has angered many Russian officials. Can anybody say Cold War, Part Two? And no, W., before you ask, restarting the Cold War doesn’t mean you get to make up fictitious WMD’s and invade a foreign country for no real reason. I was just getting used to the idea of not hating Russia, now it looks like I’m going to have to reverse field and start loathing them again. But how exactly are you supposed to hate a country who gave the world Maria Sharapova? I’m just not sure that’s a world I’m prepared to live in…………
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