- I present to you the newest automobile on the market, the Porskwagen. Haven’t heard of it yet? Don’t worry, you will in no time flat now that automakers Volkswagen and Porsche have reached an agreement to merge operations. The announcement of the merger continues a breakneck pace in terms of changes on the worldwide automobile production landscape, coming right after Chrysler filed for bankruptcy protection and Italian carmaker Fiat has announced ambitions to combine with Chrysler and GM Europe operations to form one of the world's largest car companies. The Porsche-Volkswagen merger comes after weeks of talks between the two companies as they sought to combine manufacturing operations. A statement on the Porsche Web site said the management boards of Porsche and Volkswagen had agreed in principle for the creation of an integrated car manufacturing group. “In the final structure 10 brands shall stand below an integrative leading company alongside each other, whereby the independence of all brands and explicitly also of Porsche shall be ensured,” the statement said. Porsche had been aggressively trying to take over Volkswagen, building a 51 percent stake in the company with ambitions to raise the stake to 75 percent. However, in the current, gloomy economic climate around the world, even a company looking to hostilely take over another company isn’t necessarily on solid financial footing. While it sought to buy up Volkswagen, Porsche also built a debt of nearly $12 billion as the world automotive market began head on a downward spiral. As with all contracts involving loads of cash, the exact terms of the agreement weren’t immediately known. The statement from Porsche said only that the agreement includes undisclosed "capital measures.” Either way, I look forward to the mash-up of a Porsche 911 and VW Beetle any day now, but just know that the name “Porkswagen” was coined here first……
- Freaking Jack Bauer is a terror both on and off the screen. However, it would probably be best for all involved parties if Kiefer Sutherland could learn to placate his inner rage when in public. After his DUI arrest in December 2007 and subsequent jail time, producers of 24 had to be hoping against hope that they had seen the last of their star in trouble with the law. Um, not likely. Sutherland was charged with third-degree assault after turning himself in to police Thursday.
Sutherland is accused of head-butting fashion designer Jack McCollough, but will not be jailed as he awaits a court hearing. He was given a desk-appearance ticket requiring him to appear before a judge in about a month, meaning he’s free to reign terror on society until then. Witnesses have said McCullough bumped Brooke Shields at an after-party for the Met Costume Institute Gala on Monday, and that Sutherland demanded that McCullough apologize. Not sure what the link is between Shields and Sutherland, but he clearly feels strongly about her because he leapt to her defense. McCullough pushed Sutherland, and the actor responded with a head-butt, the witnesses said. I wasn’t there, but I wonder what the conversation between McCullough and Sutherland was like: McCullough: No, I’m not going to apologize and I won't say why I bumped Shields. Sutherland: I am not playing around with you, dammit! Now you will give her that explanation, or so help me GOD, I will extract it from you myself…..DAMMIT, WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! Of course, any conviction for Sutherland could trigger bigger problems, legally speaking. He is currently serving five years' probation, which started in 2007, on that DUI charge. I’m going to go out on a legal limb and say that committing an assault just might violate that probation. As a fan of 24, I’m hoping that doesn’t happen. As a fan of being able to go out in public and not a) be on the road with a drunk driver or b) get head-butted for accidentally bumping into someone, I’m hoping that it does…….
- I know I’ve written about this before, but the imbeciles in the NBA league office who format the schedule for the playoffs keep doing stupid things that I am contractually obligated to rip. For example…..does it make sense to anyone that in between the time the Dallas Mavericks and Denver Nuggets played Game 2 of their series in Denver Tuesday night that two other series - Lakers-Rockets and Magic-Celtics - would play not one, but two games AND change cities in between those games? Yes, those Mensas who schedule the NBA postseason gave the Nuggets and Mavs three days off between games, as if going from Denver to Dallas is akin to flying from South Africa to the freaking North Pole. Well done on that one, NBA scheduling gurus. Can anyone explain to me a single benefit of teams having three days off while every other playoff series plays at least one game and two of them play two games? Yes, I realize that the Nuggets and Mavs began their series before any of the other second-round matchups, but that doesn’t mean you have to dick them (and the fans) over by mixing in an extra off day to allow the other series to catch up with them. Two days between games - if a series is changing cities - should be the maximum, no matter what. As much as I hate to say it, a second-tier, peripheral league like the NHL runs its postseason a hundred tiems better and more efficiently than the NBA, so maybe David Stern and Co. would do well to take a lesson from Gary Bettman and the Soccer on Ice League……..
- Texting while driving your own vehicle is one thing. Even though many towns and municipalities are cracking down on the practice (the state of Califormia too), texting behind the wheel of your own whip I can at least tolerate. But how’s about we all agree that when operating a mass transit vehicle, leaving the Blackberry in your pocket is a rule that everyone should follow? I’d just as soon avoid incidents like the one that occurred last night in downtown Boston, Massachusetts, where a trolley rear-ended another trolley because the operator of the offending trolley was text messaging at the time of the accident. Just a guess, but the 20 people injured in the collision would probably agree with me. “The operator of the striking train was interviewed at the hospital by two detectives,: said Daniel Grabauskas, general manager of the Metropolitan Boston Transit Authority. “He admitted that he was texting at the time of the accident.” Way to be a straight shoot, unidentified 24-year-old, two-year veteran trolley operator. Perhaps you should have stepped your game up and been a stand-up guy before you decided to fire off a quick text to your girlfriend or your buddy Sal and looked up just in time to realize that "it was too late” as you “applied the brake and the train struck the other trolley.” Grabauskas stated that the MBTA has emphasized to drivers for years that using any sort of electronic device while at the controls is forbidden. The investigation is ongoing, but Grabauskas said that the operator will be fired if his version of events is confirmed. Thankfully none of the injuries was considered life-threatening, but that’s the only silver lining here. The incident happened at 7:18 p.m. as the Green Line trains were traveling between the Park Street and Government Center stations in downtown Boston. Both trains were traveling westbound when one trolley rear-ended the second, courtesy of an unidentified moron whom the MBTA will soon be better off without…….
- Maybe I’m just not grasping this concept, but can someone from the G-10, an umbrella group for women's activists in Kenya, please explain to me how urging women to withhold sex to protest increasingly frosty relations between President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga makes sense? I get the idea of wanting your nation’s political leaders to work together and engaging in protests to get their attention, but how the hell does women not getting after it with their significant others do anything to accomplish that goal? Not only is this a ridiculous protest with no actual impact on those it is designed to affect, it’s hurting innocent bystanders, men like James Kimondo. Kimondo has sued G-10 over its call for women to boycott sex to protest the growing divide in the nation's coalition government. In his suit, Kimondo claimed the seven-day sex ban, which ended this week, resulted in stress, mental anguish, backaches and lack of sleep. A lack of sleep? I’d think a guy would get more sleep if he couldn’t….never mind. The lawsuit filed Friday claims lack of conjugal rights affected Kimondo's marriage and seeks undisclosed damages from G-10. "I have not been served with the papers, but I was told they are coming and I am eagerly waiting," said Ann Njogu, executive, director of Centers for Rights Education and Awareness. "It will be interesting to see the face of a man who is not willing to abstain for the sake of his country.” Listen here, femi-Nazi: your protest isn’t going to do a damn thing to benefit your country. I’m sure if James Kimondo saw any connection at all between not having sex and the Kenyan government functioning more efficiently, he would get on board. But tell me, what about women they don’t know and will never meet refusing to have sex with their significant others will compel these politicians to cooperate with one another? Yes, Kenyan citizens are frustrated by a shaky coalition government, which was formed in the aftermath of post-election violence that left more than 1,000 people dead. They want and need their government to step its game up. The problem with your “protest” is that it does little beyond gaining attention for itself. As a renowned expert in social dissidence, I can safely rank this as one of the five worst protests I have ever, ever seen. Next…….
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