- In what can only be described as the most perfect storm of utterly crap-tacular, absolute garbage “music,” the Hack Eyed Peas performed on last night’s American Karaoke - or so I’m told. As you all know, I believe that AK is the single biggest abortion in music and the single biggest affront to fans of actual music everywhere. Thus, I have never, ever watched a single second of that sh*t-fest and never will. However, I did see reports that the Hack Eyed Peas performed on last night’s American Karaoke-fest, so I’m going to assume those reports are true. You couldn’t make up something that awful, not if I gave you a million years to try. Not only that, in addition to the Hack Eyed Peas performing their God-awful “song” called “Boom Boom Pow” (with backup dancers no less, because nothing says legit, quality musical act quite like cheesy backup dancers), but there was also a “bonus” performance from HEP member Fergie, who showed her originality and creativity by performing….yes, a cover song from one of her garbage albums. The song was “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” but I have to admit that any girl or guy would cry if forced to listen to the Hack Eyed Peas and Fergie sing. There is no shame in crying if you’re just witnessed something truly horrific, and any performance by the above-mentioned acts would qualify. Just when I didn’t think American Karaoke could sink any lower, the biggest, reddest, ugliest zit on the face of the musical world proved that it can in fact get even uglier…….
- This is the type of story that warms my heart. So often, the drug business is a cold, detached world of violence and calloused brutality. When I hear a heart-warming story of a family brought together by running its very own drug business, it’s an uplifting feeling that I can even describe with mere words. So brace yourself to be touched by the story of patriarch Paul Leon Faulkner, son Michael Leon Smith and a family that began as simple moonshiners decades ago and made its way into the thriving, ever-growing world of drug trafficking and money laundering. According to authorities in Trion, Georgia, the family brought the drugs, mostly marijuana, in from Mexico through California and Arizona and then distributed them across five counties in Georgia and one in Tennessee. These resourceful folks his their drugs in just about anything -- furniture, roofs of big-rigs and tire wells. Once the shipments arrived, the drugs were put in 50-caliber ammunition cans and buried in the woods, where buyers would pick up the stash and leave behind thousands in cash. A bit of a primitive system to be sure, but it works. Buying drugs on the honor system is always dicey, as drug addicts, God love ‘em, tend to be less than honest much of the time. Heck, why not leave the pot out on the roadside along with bushels of apples or canned peaches and a glass jar for people to leave their money in after picking up two bushels of Grannie Smiths, a jar of peaches and a dime bag? I also love the fact that Faulkner and his family didn’t limit themselves to just one drug; they also smuggled meth and coke into the country. Sometimes, as people age they become stuck in their ways and refuse to adapt to the changing times. Not so with Paul Faulkner, who morphed from old school bootlegging to dealing Mexican dope. Faulkner also showed a great deal of humility by allowing his son to act as the ringleader from the drug business, realizing that his time as the lead dog had passed. Instead, Michael Leon Smith became one of the richest men in Chattooga County and laundered his drug money by buying up dozens of pieces of property. This was a family business to the core and when police finally cracked the case, Faulkner's grandson (Smith's nephew) was also among the eight men arrested. The break in the case came when police making a routine traffic stop along Interstate 40 in eastern Oklahoma in May 2005 encountered a couple trucking a supply of methamphetamine, cocaine and marijuana with them. In tracing the drugs back to their source, the cops ultimately ended up at Faulkner’s doorstep. Ultimately, he plead guilty to a variety of charges last month and was handed a 20-year sentence that he will likely serve very little of. Faulkner is suffering from cancer and while he’s slated to head to prison in August, you’d have to imagine that he has little incentive to fight to stay alive at this point. To his credit, Faulkner is fighting the sentence and claiming that he is a "full-time mountain shiner" who knew little about the Mexican marijuana operation. The attorneys for father and son are taking time to bash one another’s clients, with Smith’s attorney calling Faulkner a terrible father who “threw his son down the drain” as a child. The government clearly buys Smith’s side of the story more than Faulkner’s, because Smith is only is serving a nine-year sentence in federal prison in Montgomery, Alabama. Faulkner's grandson is also serving a nine-year sentence. The funniest part of the whole story, without a doubt, is Smith’s attorney claiming he is an upstanding family man, a Christian of great faith who views the hippie lettuce as just another plant that the good Lord put on this Earth. “Michael's a wonderful family man, a Christian -- which means a lot to him, a very religious man. And I point out that in the Bible, God gave us every seed-bearing plant, and I think Michael looked at it that way. And, unfortunately, our government since 1937 has not seen it as a God-given right," attorney Cathy Alterman stated. All in all, just a great story and one that has it all: humor, drama, family values and plenty of illegal drugs…….
- Color me disgusted, no doubt about it. The crew of the International Space Station may have been cool with tasting their own urine Wednesday - albeit a purified version - but that’s one crazy train I will not be jumping aboard. The urine tasting marked the initiation of a closed loop water recycling system aboard the ISS. Astronauts celebrated by “clinking” their drinking bags together for a truly revolting toast before sipping water composed of recycled urine, sweat and atmospheric moisture. Let’s get one thing out of the way here: I don’t care if you can scientifically show me how pure this water is and that it has no remains of sweat or urine in it once it’s filtered. Period, point blank, it used to be urine and I’m not drinking it. Besides, this isn’t just recycled human urine these astronauts are drinking. Although NASA claims each crew member creates about a gallon of water from urine every six hours, some of the piss for the recycling process comes from animals aboard the space shuttle. “Lab animals on the ISS breathe and urinate, too, and we plan to reclaim their waste products along with the crew’s. A full complement of 72 rats would equal about one human in terms of water reclamation,” said Layne Carter, a water-processing specialist with NASA. Mmmmm, nothing hits the spot quite like a nice blend of sweat, human and rat urine. I’m just glad I wasn’t watching on NASA TV when Flight Engineer Mike Barrett confirmed “the taste is great This has been the stuff of science fiction.” Yeah, either science fiction or the stuff of nightmares, bro. Had I been watching that broadcast, I would probably still be vomiting several days later. But hey, maybe NASA can work really hard on a vomit-filtering system and find a way to turn puke into a recycled meal for its astronauts……
- Hopefully the Cleveland Choke-a-liers don’t feel too good about last night’s win over Orlando in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference finals. Yes, the Choke-a-liers won on a miraculous last-second three-pointer by reigning MVP LeBron James, but just because they won the game doesn’t mean the Cavs deserved the victory. For the second straight game, they built a huge first-half lead (23 points in this case at 43-20 in the second quarter), led by double digits at halftime and played absolutely garbage defense in the second half as the Magic basically did what they wanted offensively and found one open look after another from three-point range. How funny that up until winning Game 7 in the second round against Boston, it was the Magic who were dubbed the Panic. Now, it’s the Cavs who are choking away huge leads, stumbling down the stretch and trying desperately to give away games that they should win comfortably. Yes, Orlando is a good team with some very talented players. However, a 23-point lead on your home court should be avoid to keep you from needing a desperation 3-pointer at the buzzer over two defenders to win. The series may be 1-1 at this point, but make no mistake about it: the Cavs are freaking blessed to not be down 2-0. Maybe they should try a different strategy in Game 3 on Sunday in Orlando - and yes, playing defense in the second half would help - instead of sprinting out to a huge lead. The Magic don’t do well with prosperity for the most part, so maybe give the Magic a big early lead and see if you can’t bait them into frittering it away throughout the middle portion of the game. All I know is that what the Cavs have been doing these past two games hasn’t worked and if they don’t make drastic changes and improvements, they will not win this series. The 1-1 mark may be the same as the Western Conference finals with Los Angeles and Denver, but the difference there is that both the Lakers and Nuggets have played very good basketball for nearly two straight games and neither of them has choked away 23-point lead in either game. Step your game up, Choke-a-liers, or your NBA title dreams will go the way of every other championship aspiration in Cleveland the past four-plus decades: right into oblivion…….
- I’m not sure which is more perplexing, that a woman who allowed her 14-year-old son to balloon to 555 pounds felt she was still the best person to care for the boy or that it took three days to track down a 555-pound boy. Either way, 14-year-old Alexander Draper and his mother, Jerri Gray, were tracked down in Baltimore after fleeing South Carolina because the state planned to take the boy into protective custody. Draper and Gray were found hundreds of miles from their home at a Woodlawn Laundromat after police received a phone tip. Mother and uber-fat son were taken into custody just after 4:30 p.m. in the 6600 block of Security Boulevard. Alexander was checked at the scene by emergency medical services and was turned over to the Maryland Department of Social Services. He will eventually be returned to the Department of Social Services in South Carolina, where he should receive the medical help he needs to shed the 300-400 extra pounds he’s carrying around. To put that in perspective, the heaviest-ever contestant on The Biggest Loser tipped the scales at 430 pounds this past season, and that was a freaking adult. Jerri Gray needs to a) be put in prison for child abuse and b) kept away from her son as much as possible. She was killing him one bite at a time by serving him whatever garbage diet he was consuming and not doing a damn thing to help him lose weight. I’m not a person who thinks everyone needs to be rail-thin in order to look good, but feel free to mix in a salad and keep your child under 200 pounds while he’s still in junior high. For now, Gray is on police custody and will be held in Baltimore until extradition to South Carolina. Not that what Gray did is cool, but I do find some humor in the mental picture of a (from what I can see, anyhow) grossly overweight mother and her 555-pound teenage son fleeing the state on the very day that they were supposed to appear in court. Even after officials determined that Alexander was considered to be at a critical stage of health risk, his mom takes him on the lam? Why, because you want to go ahead and push him into an even earlier death by cramming more fatty foods in his pie hole? Worse still, officials involved with the case say that Alexander has been offered chances to participate in weight-loss programs and Gray has refused to allow him to take part. I’d say that qualifies as medical neglect on Gray’s part, no doubt. So best of success to Alexander in losing weight and getting healthy and also best of success to prosecutors in South Carolina in pressing charges against Jerri Gray, she deserves it………
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