- So the 2007 Country Music Association Awards were announced yesterday, and guess what we learned? Country music still sucks! Personally I couldn’t care less who any of these yahoos are, but apparently some twangy, yodeling, warbling loser was nominated for Artist of the Year along with several other twangy, yodeling, warbling losers. Their songs all talk about drinkin’, NASCAR, losin’ yer woman, goin’ to the demolition derby at the county fair and bein’ a redneck, so clearly it’s going to be difficult to pick a winner from such a, um, distinguished group of nominees. Here’s what I’m proposing, and this would actually solve a lot of problems for all of us: on Nov. 7, the CMA Awards will take place in Nashville. On that night, you’ll have all of the “best” (or worst, same difference with country music) in country music gathered in once place. It’s the perfect time for: you guessed it, a live test of the latest top-secret, airborne neurotoxins being developed by elite American scientists for use by the U.S. military. Just release the toxins into the auditorium that night and wipe out country music in one fell swoop. The crippling blow should be enough to destroy this God-forsaken waste of time, a horrible genre of music that the world would be better off without. C’mon everyone, if we band together we can end this national nightmare and allow the healing to begin.
- I don’t think it’s a secret that MSNBC commentator Tucker Carlson is an ass hat. Anyone that white, the close-minded, wearing a bow tie and sporting that idiotic of a haircut is up to no good. However, even Carlson wouldn’t be stupid enough to think that making jokes about assaulting perverts who make unwanted advances in public restrooms is acceptable, right? Wrong-O. Appearing on MSNBC Live with Dan Abrams, Carlson was discussing the Sen. Larry Craig scandal and told an anecdote about an incident in high school where he was “bothered” by another man. “I went back with someone I knew and grabbed the guy by the – you know, and grabbed him and…..hit him against the stall with his head, actually!” Carlson jovially recalled. Whew, stop it T., you’re cracking me up! You and a buddy jumped a guy because he came on to you, ha ha! I’m sure glad that amuses you. Any reason you couldn’t just defend yourself one-on-one? Couldn’t you have just pushed the guy away, told him to stop being a perv and gone on your way? And why now, a couple decades later when you should be smarter and a bit more mature, do you still think it’s so funny that you did what you did all that time ago? Tucker, I don’t know if anyone has told you this, but even for a TV commentator like you, it is ok if you don’t verbalize every single thought that enters your mind.
- What the frak is going on in Texas? Texas Gov. Rick Perry, a man with a distinguished record as the head of the busiest death-penalty state in America, has actually halted the execution of a death row inmate in Huntsville. The pardon came down a mere seven hours before the man was scheduled to be executed for his role as a getaway driver for a killer. Man, if there was one thing you always used to be able to count on, it was the state of Texas getting the job done when it came to executing people. The state never used to fumble away chances to off people, whether they were guilty or not. Texas used to be the one state where there was always a line to get to the electric chair, but Gov. Pansy, er, Perry, has clearly softened up a bit. This is something that never, ever would have happened when that ginormous tool W. was in charge of your state, Texas……so on second thought, maybe this was a good decision by Perry.
- Danger America, danger! The electronic monitoring anklet has been removed from former astro-nut/adult-diaper wearer Lisa Marie Nowak, meaning she is once again free to terrorize the country while she awaits trial. A judge in Orlando ruled that Nowak could remove the anklet, which she had argued was expensive, bulky and uncomfortable. The judge rejected those claims, but said that Nowak’s behavior has been good enough to warrant removing the device. By the way, Nowak, those things aren’t meant to be comfortable and stylish, they’re there for our protection against nut jobs like you. If you don’t like having to wear an electronic monitoring anklet, then don’t put on an adult diaper, load up your car with pipes, knives, ropes and other weapons and drive all the way from Houston to Orlando to (allegedly) kidnap and possibly murder your romantic rival in an astronaut love triangle. Whatever you do with your newfound freedom, L., stay the heck away from Ohio, because I don’t want to be anywhere near you.
- Here’s a brief update on my riot brothers (and sisters) in Santiago, Chile: at least 750 arrests have now been made in conjunction with the extended protests going on in the capital city, with the rioting stretching on well into the night hours. Also, I am proud to report that one group of protestors who were demonstrating to demand higher wages added some quality looting and property destruction to their protest, which means that they just upped their riot grade to a 10 out of 10 on my Riot-O-Meter. Looting is a vital element in any truly great riot, so hats off to those involved in this great effort. Police also said that 98 protestors were injured during the day, but if you’re going to achieve anything truly great in virtually any walk of life, there will always be a few casualties. Riot on, Chileans, riot on………
- No one’s buying it, White House, so stop selling it. W. and his posse of poseurs have voiced great objection to an independent assessment concluding that Iraq has made very little political progress over the past few months. The report by the Government Accountability Office states that Iraq has reached only three of 18 benchmarks set by Congress and has partially satisfied two others. None of the benchmarks reached are among the most important, high-profile issues for the Iraqi government, including a national oil revenue sharing law that W. has cited as being essential to Iraq’s future. Among the portions of the report that the White House is disputing are claims that Iraq has failed to provide three trained brigades to support military operations in Baghdad and also that the government there has failed to ensure that the country’s security plan will not provide a safe haven for outlaws. Personally, I continue to be amazed as how W. and his crew are the only ones with the “right” perspective on the mess in Iraq and how everyone else – Congress, the American public, hosts of fake news shows, prison inmates, foreign nations, mental patients, the zebras at my local zoo – is completely wrong in believing that the situation in Iraq is terrible and that it’s getting worse, not better. Either the administration is lying to everyone or they’re just stupid (maybe both?), but their evaluation of the current situation in Iraq could not be further from the truth.
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