Monday, November 27, 2006

Why I love PETA, football bets gone bad and the worst Christmas gift idea ever

- Sometimes it can be cathartic and good to admit that you’re wrong. Such would be the case with the “new” Beatles album, Love. The air quotes signify that it’s not a new album, per se, as much as a mash-up of riffs, chords and sounds from old albums and studio sessions, woven into a new mix for a Cirque de Solei show and now out in album form, with an accompanying surround sound DVD package. I wrote before that it’s bogus of bands to repackage old material under the auspices of a greatest hits type album or for surviving members of a band or their loved ones continuing to try to make money off of the band’s name with umpteen “new” releases years after the band’s breakup or the death of multiple members. But this album is a really interesting listen, which I attribute to it being the Beatles, a true giant in music history. This shouldn’t be seen as an open invitation for other artists to try the same thing, because there are no other artists out there who can match the Beatles. But producers George and Giles Martin have done a great job here, so thumbs up to them and the living Beatles who gave their thumbs up to the project.

- Mike Vick is showing his true colors, and surprisingly, he’s sinking to the same levels as his thug brother, Marcus. You might remember that last year, Marcus, while a senior at Virginia Tech, viciously stomped on a fallen Louisville player, Elvis Dumervil, in a game. That, along with a litany of off-field incidents and brushes with the law, led many to label Marcus as the black sheep of the Vick family. Mike, it seems, isn’t ready to relinquish that title without a fight. He’s been surly to the media a lot lately, but following his 9 for 24 passing performance Sunday, Mike lobbed a double bird to fans who were heckling him after the game. He also ripped his wide receivers for not making more plays, always a good move when the team is struggling. So he’s alienating fans and teammates, all the while exuding the same sunny demeanor of Sysaphus after he’s had to push the same rock up the same hill for the 1,000,005th time. The Vick brothers had better get into some family counseling and figure out where it all went wrong for them before they both derail their careers on a permanent basis.

- Akon currently has the top two singles on the Billboard singles chart. I literally can’t find the words to express my disbelief and disappointment. Truly a dark day for music when an artist like that has the two most popular singles in all of music.

- Kudos to James Walter Quick of Lexington, S.C. for really using his head when it came to settling a dispute with his friend over a bet the two made on the big South Carolina-Clemson football game over the weekend. Well, his head and a high-powered rifle, which Quick, 42, used to kill Richard Allen Johnson, 43, because the two disagreed about a $20 bet they made on the game. As always, if I’m reading a story in which your middle name and age appear, odds are good that you’ve done something bad. Nobody likes to lose, especially a bet in which you lose money, but it’s safe to say that blasting a hole in someone else’s chest with a high-powered rifle is never acceptable in order to solve the dispute. And if you’re willing to do that to someone you call a friend, what would you be willing to do to someone you didn’t like? So I hope Quick will enjoy spending the rest of his life in prison and that getting the last word was worth it.

- As predicted by most everyone, USC thumped Notre Dame on the field Saturday and on Sunday, the Trojans moved past Michigan in the BCS standings. Southern Cal is now on track to play Ohio State for college football’s national title on January 8, with only a game against city rival UCLA standing in the Trojans’ way. I’m truly thankful that USC got the job done, because now we don’t have to worry about an OSU-Michigan rematch that should absolutely not happen. Instead, there could be a Michigan-Notre Dame rematch in the Rose Bowl, where the Irish could atone for a 47-21 drubbing at the hands of the Wolverines at the beginning of the season.

- Well, it appears the crisis in Iraq has a very easy and logical solution: Iran is willing to help quell the unrest in Iraq if the U.S. is willing to drop its “bullying” tactics toward Iran. Super, that should clear things up right away. We look the other way for all of your wrongdoing, your illegal development of nuclear weapons programs and you will bring what is undoubtedly a great deal of political wisdom to a powder keg in your neighboring country. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made the offer, but let me speak for the U.S. and say no thanks, since I’m sure that rejection is coming sooner or later on our part.

- Toasters, tires, blenders and clock radios everywhere have been bumped as the all-time worst Christmas gift ideas for your significant other, or for anyone you even remotely like. The new king of that dubious mountain? Instant lottery tickets, of course. What a great concept, as espoused by the Ohio Lottery in now-running radio spots, to give a person you care about scratch-off lotto tickets as a gift. What could be better than giving someone a gift that could, and most likely is, a worthless sheet of paper that will leave an annoying metallic residue on their fingers? Imagine opening up a box at Christmas……..and there’s a roll of five scratch-off tickets. You break out a penny, scratch off each one…….and win nothing. Wow, what a gift! Normally you at least have a little bit of time to enjoy a gift and find out it’s a dud; with these instant lotto tickets, the euphoria of getting a gift lasts all of thirty seconds. Know who gives instant lottery tickets as a gift? Guys who are 1) cheap, 2) incredibly dense and 3) well on their way to being dumped or divorced. I used to think gift cards were a cop-out gift that showed a lack of imagination and effort, but compared to instant lotto tickets, they’re the friggin’ Cadillac of Christmas gifts.

- Cash grabs by formerly successful celebrities and athletes are amusing. One final stab (sorry, O.J., I didn’t mean it) at raking in some dough to cover their cost of living……..which brings us to Michael “Never met a young boy I didn’t like” Jackson. See, Whacko is charging 1,600 fans in Tokyo $3,400 each just to attend a show with him. No, not a show with him in it, just a show that he will be at. There will be musicians, dancers, Jack-O and 1,599 others watching. The Strange, Child Molesting (allegedly) One will be there on December 19, and if you pay extra, you can get an autographed photo and an uber-short meet and greet. As pathetic as this is and as thinly veiled a cash gab as it clearly is, I really can’t raise a major objection as long as one prominent condition is met: absolutely no children may attend, in fact, just to be safe, no one under the age of twenty, especially when it comes to boys. Making a fraudulent buck is one thing, but let’s keep any and all kids away from Jack-O from now until the end of eternity.

- Having Borat be the top movie in theaters for a few weeks apparently wasn’t bad enough (by the way, nice lengthy run of what, two weeks at the top, eh?), now a Kazakh writer has nominated Borat creator and vastly overrated funnyman Sasha Baren Cohen for the Kazakh Club of Art Patrons annual award for “sparking an immense interest of the whole world in Kazakhstan.” Tell you what, Sapabek Asip-uly, you can not only give him that award, why don’t you just take Cohen too, move him to Kazakhstan permanently, along with all copies of Borat, any piece of film footage of it that exists anywhere. Take it all, move it (and him) into the mountains somewhere in your fine country, never to be heard from again. Put the KCAP award on the mantle, toast with some fine Kazakh champagne, just as long as it ensures there is no Borat sequel.

- My homeys at PETA are at it again. Y’know, the ones that say we shouldn’t eat any meat, wear any animal-derived fabrics, etc., those guys. Well, while I sit here in my mink coat, coon skin cap, leather pants and alligator shoes and eat a nice, thick Porterhouse steak, with a side of chicken fingers and thinly sliced deli ham, let me update you on another recent PETA crusade…….the organization sent a menacing letter to Rev. Jason Armstrong, pastor at Anchorage First Free Methodist Church in Anchorage, Alaska, about the church’s use of live animals in its nativity scene, a practice PETA vehemently objects to. The problem? The church only uses camel puppets, along with a fabric hood in the shape and mold of a cow head. No actual animals are involved, none at all. Hey PETA, maybe check the facts before you send out threatening letters, eh? Makes you wonder if they do any actual work or research, or if they just run around haphazardly accusing people and making threats. Besides which, I don’t think lying or standing around in a manger with a bunch of Methodists would be bad for a real, live animal. So to the PETA people….hang on, one last piece of steak to finish…….ratchet it down a notch and get some perspective, losers.

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