- I may not get the most comprehensive election coverage this way, but the only place I’m gonna be tuning in for my political coverage next Tuesday is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Tuesday’s show from the campus of Ohio State was utterly hilarious, judging from the fact that I spent pretty much the entire half hour laughing uncontrollably. That current Secretary of State and gubernatorial hopeful Ken Blackwell, an incredibly inept and incompetent politician, was a target for much of the show’s humor only helped. There will always be a place for a medium that can take a stodgy, formal setting like politics and make it relatable and at least plausibly relevant to the general public, specifically young America, and The Daily Show is must watch TV right about now.
- I sincerely hope Lance Armstrong falls and breaks his freaking leg this Sunday running in the NYC marathon. This sentiment is founded entirely on my bitterness at not having been able to secure a spot in the race. I entered, along with tens of thousands of others, in the lottery for a spot in the marathon but didn’t get in. A very select few qualify for the race with times and otherwise, but the vast majority must enter the lottery and sweat it out. But I am guessing that Lance, like Diddy a couple years ago, didn’t exactly have to work too hard to get a spot in the race. Being a celebrity doesn’t get you enough - scores of hot chicks all over you, gift bags worth thousands of dollars at awards shows, millions of dollars in earnings - you feel the need to take a spot away from runners who would desperately love to run in this race? You suck, Lance, here’s hoping you crap out by mile 15 and I can laugh at the video footage of you, exhausted and unable to continue on the side of the road.
- Normally I’m not a hip hop guy…….straight rock for me, but every now and then you need to expand your musical horizons even if you are a white dude who grew up in a small country town. For that reason, I am legitimately excited about Jay-Z’s upcoming new album, Kingdom Come, due out November 20. Granted, you can’t play a lot of Jay’s songs at sporting events because there’s a substantial amount of profanity, but he’s far and away the best thing the rap game has to offer. 99 Problems, H to the Izzo, etc. are always good listening, and although I don’t actually buy many albums nowadays, I will find a way to borrow a copy of this album from somewhere and burn a copy for sure. Those of you who do actually pay for your music, I’d advise you to pick it up, you won't be disappointed.
- The San Francisco Giants appear to be getting a little smarter, based on their decision not to be among the teams pursuing newly minted free agent Barry Bonds. Bonds has been with the G-Men for a while but decided to file for free agency, and initial indications are that the Giants are not among the teams pursuing them. What, they don’t want to invest $10-15 million for a season into an aging, roid-fueled slugger with a size 8 ½ head and an aging body that moves at the speed of a glacier? The only teams that should be pursuing this guy, if any, are American League teams that can stick him at DH and not have to watch him hobble around the outfield, chasing balls like an a blindfolded child playing “Pin the tail on the donkey”.
- Did anybody notice that the NHL is back? I saw something in the sports section that looked like standings for the NHL, but otherwise no one seems to give a crap about it, and neither do I.
- I hate to rain on anyone’s parade, but I have to call out my good friends at Bowflex for their ubiquitous commercials that claim you can have the body of a professional bodybuilder by using their machine just three times a week for twenty minutes each time. Sorry Bowflex, but there is nothing you can do for twenty minutes, three times a week, that will give you washboard abs and bulging biceps. Not even three twenty minute sessions of steroid use a week will do that. And what kind of sick freak grins like an idiot while using workout equipment, as shown on these commercials? It doesn’t help that they run the ads every commercial break on ESPN, nor does it help that I see them while I am working out twice as hard as the yutzes on the commercials. Show a sweaty, out of breath person in their thirties who looks like they actually need the minimal benefits provided by a Bowflex machine and maybe you will come off as semi-believable.
- For those worrying about flying because of what might happen while in the air……you may actually be in greater danger in a plane that’s on the ground. Two recent incidents at Newark Liberty International Airport in New Jersey are under investigation and will no doubt incite a new round of fear in those who live in mortal terror of flying. On Tuesday evening, a Boeing 747 carrying more than 300 passengers bumped into the right wing of a Boeing 757 with the 747’s left wing. Damage wasn’t major, but isn't it comforting to know that pilots have trouble avoiding collisions on the ground, when one of the planes is friggin’ stationary. Super, guys. Three days prior, a Continental flight from Florida landed on a narrow taxiway near several airport buildings rather than on the actual runway it was supposed to land on. Planes landing in the wrong place, running into each other on the ground…..it’s not something happening at 35,000 feet that seems to be the real point of concern. The ground seems to be the real worry zone for airline passengers.
- Even patriotism has its limits, at least in Palm Beach, Florida. That’s where real estate mogul and all-around pompous ass Donald Trump has been cited by the local authorities for erecting an 80-foot-tall flagpole at his Mar-a-Lago estate. He has until Nov. 27 to apply for special approval or else face a Dec. 21 code enforcement that could result in as much as a $250 a day fine. The chairman of the town’s landmarks commission claims the giant flagpole, topped with a 15-by-25-foot-flag makes Trump’s place look like a used car dealership, while Trump counters that anyone who opposes his grandiose display of patriotism isn't fit to hold public office. After all, though, what is the purpose of government, if not to haggle with citizens over whether their home decorations are extravagant or gaudy? I’m sure this is an absolutely pressing matter, and when juxtaposed against other so-called “issues” this election season, such as school funding, health care and national security, it’s clear that a giant flagpole in a ritzy Florida neighborhood is the one issue we should all be focused on.
- Looking for the right gift this holiday season that will truly make a difference in someone’s life? If so, here’s a great suggestion: buy some balls for the police officers in Winter Haven, Florida, who apparently have the same level of testicular fortitude and mental toughness as a school girl carrying a “Hello Kitty” lunchbox. The cops in the W.H.P.D. got offended when police chief Paul Goward sent out a memo chastising the many officers in the department who were grossly overweight, and the memo also encouraged these cherubic cops to lose weight and get in better shape. In the memo, Goward gave ten reason why getting in shape was imperative, but some of the cops had their feelings hurt, complained and forced him to resign. Wow, somebody’s a little sensitive. No one was singled out in the memo, so these guys apparently read it, burst into tears and then drowned their sorrows with a gallon of moose tracks ice cream, a few jelly-filled doughnuts and a Yoo-Hoo or five before whining to the higher-ups in the PD. I, for one, salute Goward, and not just because looking at grossly obese people is depressing, which it is. But since when is encouraging people to lose weight, both for their own well-being and to help them do their job better, is a bad thing? It’s not as if he put up a “Wanted” poster in the precinct office with the pictures of these portly policemen that decried their crimes as “being a fat ass and not knowing when to shove away from the buffet.”
No comments:
Post a Comment