Celebrity divorces, more W stupidity

- I know I’ve been riding this horse really hard, but if you’re not watching Veronica Mars on Tuesday nights on the CW, you’re missing what has been the highlight of the young TV season. I’ll never be a person who yells at other people to tell them they have to watch a show, but I just can't think of one that’s had more excitement, intrigue, smart humor and just great storylines than this one has. On the surface, a show about a college-age girl who moonlights as a P.I. with her investigator father would seem to have limited appeal, but the show is more than good enough to work beyond that. Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Jason Dohring and Tina Majorino, among others on a stellar cast, are four great reasons to watch, and if you haven't been watching up to this point, to buy the DVD’s from the first two seasons and get on board.

- Last week, when President Bozo, i.e. W, seemed to be vacillating on the issue of what to do in Iraq, I stupidly held out a shred of hope that in listening to dissenting viewpoints, this buffoon might make the right choice and set in motion a plan to get American military personnel out of a place they don’t belong. As stupid as I was to have even a glimmer of hope for that, W proved himself to be even dumber, declaring that he won't withdraw troops “until the mission is complete.” What “complete” means or when it might be achieved……..well, W wasn’t so clear on that. Instead, he tried to foist blame on al-Qaeda for the recent attacks in Iraq. Good strategy there, Mr. President, try to play the terrorism card, just like you did in attempting to judtify invading Iraq in the first place. Every time you start to forget just how incompetent this guy is, he serves up a fresh, massive reminder for you.

- Not a lot to say about the Kid Rock-Pam Anderson divorce, so I’ll move on to related topics rather than dwell on something that was inevitable. Has Kid Rock even made an album in the past five years? Seriously, he had a few popular songs back around the turn of the century, was on the music award show circuit for a while and then disappeared. He did pioneer the return of the wife beater to prominence in the wardrobe of many men worldwide, but what else has he been up to? And from now on, let’s stop reporting on celebrity divorces because those things are a dime a dozen and happen at a faster rate than flops by soccer players in World Cup games. Instead, why don’t we focus on reporting when celebrity couples don’t get divorced, y’know, make a big deal out of three or six month anniversaries, just like an overzealous girlfriend who insists on commemorating every small occasion or milestone?

- What would any day be without a report of pointless violence and misdirected anger resulting in an innocent person killed or hospitalized? In recent weeks, it’s been a bar brawl over a man’s failure to wash his hands after using the restroom, a football fan shot and killed after a dispute with a friend over a bet the two had made…….and now a man shanking his co-worker because he mistakenly though that co-worker had put motor oil on his PB & J. Jeremy Gordon was none too happy to find the offending motor oil on his sandwich, and thinking that Patrick McManomy had done the deed, he stabbed McManomy twice in the leg with a 4-inch blade. Oddly enough, it wasn’t McManomy who put the motor oil on the sandwich, but either way, Gordon is staring at a nice assault conviction. Again I ask, who doesn’t love it when people are maimed or killed for not washing their hands, welching on a $20 bet or being wrongfully suspected of a harmless prank? Good times.

- If Stockholm wasn’t on my travel agenda before, it sure is now. How can I possibly ignore a place that, come 2008, will have a museum dedicated solely to the musical phenomenon that is……..ABBA. Yes, folks, I said ABBA. The Swedish sensation that rocked, well, to be honest, underwhelmed music lovers worldwide a couple decades ago is going to have a museum honoring it, proving once and for all that Sweden doesn’t really have anyone to honor and they’re now just pulling random names from a hat. Apparently the museums creators will receive access to significant amounts of exclusive memorabilia from the group and expects to museum to draw 500,000 people annually………right. I think I’ll take the under on that figure, because I’m guessing the number will be closer to 50,000 than 500,000. What, is there no push to build a museum for the Swedish bikini team? Now that’s a museum that a larger number of Swedes might actually want to visit.

- Mark McGwire for the Hall of Fame? That’s a big topic in the baseball world right now, as the induction process that will lead up to next summer’s induction class is ongoing. This is the first year for Big Roid, er, Red, to be eligible, and I hope he is rejected this year and every year after. Spew all the crap you want about him never having failed a drug test, blah, blah, blah. He dragged baseball’s name through to mud by blatantly refusing to testify before Congress when asked directly about his own steroid use, hiding pathetically behind the crutch of “not talking about the past.” He’s a coward, and he was once found conclusively to have a bottle of a steroid precursor in his locker. At the time, Andro wasn’t illegal, but why would anyone doubt that Mac used roids? If he didn’t, why didn’t he offer any sort of plausible rebuttal to Congress? He’s the lasting image people will have of the Steroid Era in baseball, and him cowering and running from Congress is a more powerful mental picture than any home run he ever hit. And oh yeah, his .263 career batting average is pathetic, not to mention that once he roided, er, bulked up in the latter half of his career, his defense was laughable at best. I hope every single HOF voter passes on Mac every year from now until forever.

- Ready for Braille money? It could be on the way, thanks to the ruling by a federal court judge in the U.S. District Court in Washington, D.C. that the government discriminates against the blind by making paper money that all feels the same. Political correctness strikes again, I’m afraid. One obvious suggestion is exchanging all paper money currently possessed by blind people for coins. After all, who doesn’t hate a pocket full of pennies and nickels? However, this may be a bit impractical and insensitive to the blind, so on to other issues. Here’s something; don’t blind people have to be driven a lot of places, what with being unable to operate a motor vehicle? Couldn’t those transporting them offer a little help. Or could they not ask for assistance from businesses they are using money? Maybe have a fanny pack for them with separate pouches for $1, $5, $10 and $20 bills? In all seriousness, I can see where it might be a problem for someone, not being able to tell if they are being given correct change, paying too much, etc. But why not just use a credit or debit card and save the trouble?

Tuesday quick hits

- Who loves a good “The man holding me down story” more than I do? Nobody, that’s who. I love being anti-establishment as much as anyone, and sometimes that can take a person to unusual places. This time, it would be defending a professional athlete, making $60 million over the next four years, against his Nazi of a coach. The player in question would be Chicago Bulls forward Ben Wallace, and the coach in question would be Bulls fascist dictator/despot Scott Skiles.

- Hmm, looks like I was really, really right about Brett Favre not belonging on Monday Night Football anymore because his team is awful and that he’s no longer relevant or significant in the NFL. Stunner of all stunners, Favre threw three awful interceptions Monday night in Seattle and his team lost to the Seahawks 34-24. The Packers are now 4-7 and even in a gawd-awful NFC, they are way on the outside of the playoff race, looking in.

- Musical note (sorry, this was the spot I had reserved for the bad pun of the day), an artist who’s getting some good air time, at least on SIRIUS and IMF, is a new favorite of mine, Ben Kweller. He’s not new in the sense that his current album is his first, but this is the first time he’s gotten this much attention. His new video, Sundress, is great because it has a simple, relaxed vibe and a straightforward concept without a myriad of special effects. The song itself, like Kweller’s music in general, is a cool blend of college rock, folk, John Mayer-esque with much less of s pop feel to it. Dude also bears an uncanny resemblance to snowboarder/skateboarder Shawn White, what with the fantastic, floppy red mop of hair, totally pale skin and facial features that are a lot alike. Haven't seen the two in the same place at the same time, but if they were the same person, that’d be even better, an exceptionally cool athlete/great musician. Sorry, went off on a weird tangent there……point is, check out Kweller’s music, it’s good stuff.

- Suspicion confirmed when it comes to Prison Break and its big “fall finale”. Basically, it’s just a hollow moniker, a pointless label FOX placed on an episode that simply happens to be the last one before an upcoming holiday break. The show returns January 22, which can't come soon enough, because PB keeps getting better and better. Memo to the networks, though: stop making up phony labels for something we’ve been seeing for years, shows taking time off over the holidays because you all have those lame holiday specials to jam down our throats and also because you figure people will be more focused on holiday festivities instead of watching television. Thanks for nothing, guys.

Why I love PETA, football bets gone bad and the worst Christmas gift idea ever

- Sometimes it can be cathartic and good to admit that you’re wrong. Such would be the case with the “new” Beatles album, Love. The air quotes signify that it’s not a new album, per se, as much as a mash-up of riffs, chords and sounds from old albums and studio sessions, woven into a new mix for a Cirque de Solei show and now out in album form, with an accompanying surround sound DVD package. I wrote before that it’s bogus of bands to repackage old material under the auspices of a greatest hits type album or for surviving members of a band or their loved ones continuing to try to make money off of the band’s name with umpteen “new” releases years after the band’s breakup or the death of multiple members. But this album is a really interesting listen, which I attribute to it being the Beatles, a true giant in music history. This shouldn’t be seen as an open invitation for other artists to try the same thing, because there are no other artists out there who can match the Beatles. But producers George and Giles Martin have done a great job here, so thumbs up to them and the living Beatles who gave their thumbs up to the project.

- Mike Vick is showing his true colors, and surprisingly, he’s sinking to the same levels as his thug brother, Marcus. You might remember that last year, Marcus, while a senior at Virginia Tech, viciously stomped on a fallen Louisville player, Elvis Dumervil, in a game. That, along with a litany of off-field incidents and brushes with the law, led many to label Marcus as the black sheep of the Vick family. Mike, it seems, isn’t ready to relinquish that title without a fight. He’s been surly to the media a lot lately, but following his 9 for 24 passing performance Sunday, Mike lobbed a double bird to fans who were heckling him after the game. He also ripped his wide receivers for not making more plays, always a good move when the team is struggling. So he’s alienating fans and teammates, all the while exuding the same sunny demeanor of Sysaphus after he’s had to push the same rock up the same hill for the 1,000,005th time. The Vick brothers had better get into some family counseling and figure out where it all went wrong for them before they both derail their careers on a permanent basis.

- Akon currently has the top two singles on the Billboard singles chart. I literally can’t find the words to express my disbelief and disappointment. Truly a dark day for music when an artist like that has the two most popular singles in all of music.

- Kudos to James Walter Quick of Lexington, S.C. for really using his head when it came to settling a dispute with his friend over a bet the two made on the big South Carolina-Clemson football game over the weekend. Well, his head and a high-powered rifle, which Quick, 42, used to kill Richard Allen Johnson, 43, because the two disagreed about a $20 bet they made on the game. As always, if I’m reading a story in which your middle name and age appear, odds are good that you’ve done something bad. Nobody likes to lose, especially a bet in which you lose money, but it’s safe to say that blasting a hole in someone else’s chest with a high-powered rifle is never acceptable in order to solve the dispute. And if you’re willing to do that to someone you call a friend, what would you be willing to do to someone you didn’t like? So I hope Quick will enjoy spending the rest of his life in prison and that getting the last word was worth it.

- As predicted by most everyone, USC thumped Notre Dame on the field Saturday and on Sunday, the Trojans moved past Michigan in the BCS standings. Southern Cal is now on track to play Ohio State for college football’s national title on January 8, with only a game against city rival UCLA standing in the Trojans’ way. I’m truly thankful that USC got the job done, because now we don’t have to worry about an OSU-Michigan rematch that should absolutely not happen. Instead, there could be a Michigan-Notre Dame rematch in the Rose Bowl, where the Irish could atone for a 47-21 drubbing at the hands of the Wolverines at the beginning of the season.

- Well, it appears the crisis in Iraq has a very easy and logical solution: Iran is willing to help quell the unrest in Iraq if the U.S. is willing to drop its “bullying” tactics toward Iran. Super, that should clear things up right away. We look the other way for all of your wrongdoing, your illegal development of nuclear weapons programs and you will bring what is undoubtedly a great deal of political wisdom to a powder keg in your neighboring country. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made the offer, but let me speak for the U.S. and say no thanks, since I’m sure that rejection is coming sooner or later on our part.

- Toasters, tires, blenders and clock radios everywhere have been bumped as the all-time worst Christmas gift ideas for your significant other, or for anyone you even remotely like. The new king of that dubious mountain? Instant lottery tickets, of course. What a great concept, as espoused by the Ohio Lottery in now-running radio spots, to give a person you care about scratch-off lotto tickets as a gift. What could be better than giving someone a gift that could, and most likely is, a worthless sheet of paper that will leave an annoying metallic residue on their fingers? Imagine opening up a box at Christmas……..and there’s a roll of five scratch-off tickets. You break out a penny, scratch off each one…….and win nothing. Wow, what a gift! Normally you at least have a little bit of time to enjoy a gift and find out it’s a dud; with these instant lotto tickets, the euphoria of getting a gift lasts all of thirty seconds. Know who gives instant lottery tickets as a gift? Guys who are 1) cheap, 2) incredibly dense and 3) well on their way to being dumped or divorced. I used to think gift cards were a cop-out gift that showed a lack of imagination and effort, but compared to instant lotto tickets, they’re the friggin’ Cadillac of Christmas gifts.

- Cash grabs by formerly successful celebrities and athletes are amusing. One final stab (sorry, O.J., I didn’t mean it) at raking in some dough to cover their cost of living……..which brings us to Michael “Never met a young boy I didn’t like” Jackson. See, Whacko is charging 1,600 fans in Tokyo $3,400 each just to attend a show with him. No, not a show with him in it, just a show that he will be at. There will be musicians, dancers, Jack-O and 1,599 others watching. The Strange, Child Molesting (allegedly) One will be there on December 19, and if you pay extra, you can get an autographed photo and an uber-short meet and greet. As pathetic as this is and as thinly veiled a cash gab as it clearly is, I really can’t raise a major objection as long as one prominent condition is met: absolutely no children may attend, in fact, just to be safe, no one under the age of twenty, especially when it comes to boys. Making a fraudulent buck is one thing, but let’s keep any and all kids away from Jack-O from now until the end of eternity.

- Having Borat be the top movie in theaters for a few weeks apparently wasn’t bad enough (by the way, nice lengthy run of what, two weeks at the top, eh?), now a Kazakh writer has nominated Borat creator and vastly overrated funnyman Sasha Baren Cohen for the Kazakh Club of Art Patrons annual award for “sparking an immense interest of the whole world in Kazakhstan.” Tell you what, Sapabek Asip-uly, you can not only give him that award, why don’t you just take Cohen too, move him to Kazakhstan permanently, along with all copies of Borat, any piece of film footage of it that exists anywhere. Take it all, move it (and him) into the mountains somewhere in your fine country, never to be heard from again. Put the KCAP award on the mantle, toast with some fine Kazakh champagne, just as long as it ensures there is no Borat sequel.

- My homeys at PETA are at it again. Y’know, the ones that say we shouldn’t eat any meat, wear any animal-derived fabrics, etc., those guys. Well, while I sit here in my mink coat, coon skin cap, leather pants and alligator shoes and eat a nice, thick Porterhouse steak, with a side of chicken fingers and thinly sliced deli ham, let me update you on another recent PETA crusade…….the organization sent a menacing letter to Rev. Jason Armstrong, pastor at Anchorage First Free Methodist Church in Anchorage, Alaska, about the church’s use of live animals in its nativity scene, a practice PETA vehemently objects to. The problem? The church only uses camel puppets, along with a fabric hood in the shape and mold of a cow head. No actual animals are involved, none at all. Hey PETA, maybe check the facts before you send out threatening letters, eh? Makes you wonder if they do any actual work or research, or if they just run around haphazardly accusing people and making threats. Besides which, I don’t think lying or standing around in a manger with a bunch of Methodists would be bad for a real, live animal. So to the PETA people….hang on, one last piece of steak to finish…….ratchet it down a notch and get some perspective, losers.

Bar room brawls, Brett Favre and food poisoning

- When involved in a bar brawl that leaves one participant hospitalized and another under arrest on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, it’s important to at least have a good reason for the fight, right? Thankfully, two men in Fort Worth, Texas were involved in such a brawl and they most certainly had a very good reason. And that reason would be…….one of the men thought the other had failed to wash his hands after using the restroom. Yeah, that’s an acceptable reason to start a massive fight and land in jail or in the hospital, because dude at the next stall over didn’t wash his hands after taking a leak. Look, I know the thought of him grabbing some pretzels or beer nuts out of the bowl on the bar that you are also eating pretzels or nuts out of isn't appetizing or sanitary, but how about just not eating those snacks rather than assaulting him? What would you have done if he’d accidentally peed on the floor or forgotten to flush after taking a dump, shoot him in the head? But of course, these kinds of things never happen when massive amounts of alcohol are involved……..

- Free speech is still under assault from the government, in case you were wondering. The New York Times is in court asking the U.S. Supreme Court to block the government from reviewing the phone records of two reporters in the government’s investigation of a leak in a story about a terrorism-funding probe. Judith Miller and Philip Shenon wrote their stories in 2001 about the feds plan to freeze the assets of two Islamic charities. It’s amazing how much crap the government can get away with under the auspices of national safety and security, invading the most fundamental rights granted American citizens by our very own Constitution. here

- Of course, it could be worse, as proved by this story from Azerbaijan. There, the government has cut off broadcasts from the country’s first independent TV station in order to silence their message. Government opposition claimed the move was a part of a wider effort to suppress those who would speak out against the government. Nice to know there are still places in the world where the government is so insecure and controlling that they won't let those who disagree with them run a TV station and broadcast messages of dissent.

- A public service announcement for you on the off chance that you got a HoneyBaked ham or turkey for Thanksgiving……..you are going to want to head to your local emergency room on the off chance that your meat product of choice was one of those possibly contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes, a microorganism that can cause serious symptoms or fatal infections in people consuming infected food. What’s really super is that the offending products were produced over a two-plus month span, leaving 46, 941 pounds of potentially infected meat. So for those of you who thought that spending hours trapped with your family on Thanksgiving was the real hazard, you may now have this to remind you that the trauma isn't quite over yet.

- I’ve been saying for weeks now that what the world needs, specifically from the music and entertainment industry, is more Fergie, right? Either that, or I’ve been saying that her music is abominably bad and utterly unlistenable, and that she lacks even the most rudimentary lyrical and musical talent. So you can imagine how enthused I was to hear that the aforementioned Stacy Ferguson (think I’ll call you by your actual name, since nothing you’ve done has earned you the right to a nickname) is interested in a part in an upcoming biopic about James Brown. Actually, I suppose giving her a part might be a good idea, on two conditions: 1) she cannot, in any way shape or form, sing as a part of her role, and 2) she receives a lifetime ban from recording any music that will be foisted on the public’s unexpecting ears. So Stacy, if you can agree to those two conditions, I fully support your quest to play the part of one of James Brown’s four wives in this movie.

- Brett Favre used to be likeable, at least marginally. The good ol’ boy, the gunslinger quarterback who loved to play football and was always smiling. Now, though, as he perpetually postpones retirement and drags out his career interminably, something bad has begun happening. And no, despite a decline in his level of play, he’s not bad enough yet for that to be the problem. Worse yet, he’s become irrelevant in pro football, a peripheral character who just doesn’t matter. Worst of all, the NFL and networks airing the NFL have yet to figure this out. Favre’s team, the Green Bay Packers, have been bad, awful even, for several years. This year, they are “better”, better being a relative term. They’re 4-6 with no chance at all to make the playoffs, yet ESPN still has them on Monday night football this week and it’s not their only prime time appearance of the season. News flash: we knew they were going to be bad this season, it’s not a surprise. So why are they still in the showcase games? No, watching Favre run for his life behind a makeshift offensive line and throw bad passes to places they shouldn’t go, with mediocre receivers trying to catch them, isn't entertaining. Know what we would like to see? The good teams in the league playing one another, that’s what. Wake up NFL and networks, get a clue and realize that Favre’s time as a relevant, pertinent figure in pro football is over.

Post-holiday hangover..........

- Is there anything more predictable and tired than shots on local TV news broadcasts of shoppers waiting outside the doors of stores at 5 a.m.? Every year, same story; lunatics line up at ungodly hours, run each other over and do battle over insanely low prices on Chicken Dance Elmo and cheap electronics. Not only do I not want to be anywhere near the whack jobs that are ready to throw down with their fellow shoppers in order to secure a “must have” item, I don’t need to see some trite news story about it. If you’re nuts enough to wake up at 4 a.m. to get to the store, wait outside in the cold and fight for cheap stuff, I don’t need to hear about you, see you, see video of you, hear an interview with you as you stand in line, you name it. Tell you what, I’ll pay an extra $20 for an item if it means I can sleep in to a normal hour and not have my eyes gouged when I reach for the last laser level on sale for $10 at the same time as another shopper.

- Tawny Kitaen is not a woman you want to mess with…..or date…or marry, or generally be around. You may remember her as the woman who physically abused and beat her former husband, ex-Major Leaguer Chuck Finley. She would go ballistic over small things and end up whacking Chuck with her shoes over and over. Well now Ms. Kitaen has been hit up on felon drug possession charges after authorities found cocaine in her apartment. If there’s anything worse than a violent, abusive, psycho chick, it’s a violent, abusive, psycho cokehead chick. And if you’re a crack addict at age 45, I have to say your future is not bright. There is not a lot of hope for you at that point, even if you used to be a quasi-celebrity.

- What’s truly awesome about Major League Baseball contracts is that they’re guaranteed. In other words, when a team like the Houston Astros makes the insane decision to hand a 6-year, $100 million deal to a player like Carlos Lee, they are bound to pay him all $100 million, period. So when you pay an overweight, power-hitting outfielder with limited defensive capabilities about twice as much as what you should, you’re just stuck. It’s why situations like the Albert Belle-Baltimore Orioles saga are commonplace. Belle signed an 8-year, $88 million contract with B-More in the late 1990s, then had a degenerative hip condition prematurely end his career. Now insurance helped pay some of the deal, but the fact remains that Belle was on the Orioles’ payroll years after he stopped playing. So I look forward to Houston, in about three years, trying desperately to unload a 290-pound, broken down Lee on some other team dumb enough to take on his contract. Happy trails, Astros.

- Zero props to the CW network, which continues to make decisions showing that its executives have a collective IQ of 14. I’ve lambasted these morons in the past for decisions like canceling Everwood, bringing back the tired, lame 7th Heaven and greenlighting terrible shows like Runaway. Now, the network decides to only have a 20-episode season of what has been its absolute best show thus far, Veronica Mars. It may not get the best ratings, but the ratings are good enough that Mars deserves a full 23 or 26 episode season. The limited pickup of 20 episodes doesn’t signal good things in the future, either, i.e. the network doesn’t look like it is too enthused about having the show back for a fourth season. The idea behind combining the WB and UPN was to take two networks struggling to make inroads on the Big Four (NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX), combine them and have a stronger network better able to compete. But with decisions like the ones the CW is making, they’re going to run themselves out of business long before they push their way into the fight with the big boys.

- Today’s reason why “illegally” downloading and burning copies of music is a good thing: U2 is looking for new ways to squeeze money out of fans with the release of U2: 18 Singles, which essentially is a repackaging of 16 previous hits with two new recordings mixed in so they can pretend they’re not totally re-treading stuff they’ve already put out. “Best of” and “Greatest Hits” albums do this all of the time; this time especially sucks because U2 already has a two-disc greatest hits album, covering the 1980s and 1990s. But now they expect fans to buy an album whose songs they already have on not one, but two CDs, on a third friggin’ album. Thus, I am again saluting everyone who rips the songs and puts them on Lime Wire or Kazaa or downloads them from similar places. Artists can b*tch about losing money from this practice, but I say it should just about balance out with the money they extort with bogus compilation albums like 18 Singles.

Thanksgiving hijinks.........

- I know admission standards are down for the U.S. military, but is the same true for the Secret Service? I ask this after hearing the news that while visiting Argentina, President Bush’s 24-year-old daughter, Barbara, had her purse and cell phone stolen while being guarded by the Secret Service. What went unsaid is that it probably happened while she was at a rager or a club, dancing on the bar, but who needs those details? It is disturbing because if someone can get close enough to steal a purse and cell phone, I am fairly sure that they are close enough to kill someone. And we trust these men and women to guard our most important political figures? I have a feeling the agents on B. Bush patrol in Buenos Aires might soon be guarding the door at a local dance club in your area soon instead of keeping an eye out for the President’s daughter……

- Who else out there realizes how cool it is for a Russian cosmonaut to hit a golf ball out into space in a promotion for a golf equipment manufacturer? Yeah, it’s thrilling, I know. Look, it was fresh and funny back in 1971 when American astronaut Alan Shephard hit a golf ball on the moon. Now, it’s just a lame attempt to grab pub for a golf equipment company whose name I won't mention. Question is, what’s par if you’re playing in space? Does the lack of gravity give you a few extra strokes for your handicap? Can you walk in the line of another player’s putt, seeing as there’s no actual ground to disturb? Hey cosmonauts, stick to doing actual scientific experiments, flipping over and floating around inside the space station and doing TV interviews. Let’s save the shameless promotional shilling for those who are firmly planted on the terra firma.

- The world has a new biggest loser/most likely to die a virgin candidate, Steve Milton, 26, of Eugene, Oregon. Stevie has set a new world record for the world’s biggest ball of rubber bands, a ball 5 ½ feet high, 19 feet in circumference. Aren't 26-year-old guys supposed to be bar hopping with their buddies, picking up chicks and going to football games? How many chicks can you pick up with, “Hey, you should see the size of my ball……my rubber band ball, that is. It’s huge.”? Maybe if you’re a 75-year-old man who needs a hobby you decide to try to build a giant rubber band ball, but if you do so and are in your twenties, it’s a good sign that you aren’t likely to have a girlfriend in the next few years, or ever for that matter.

- Stupid people can’t stay away from Internet scams. They’re like moths to a flame, Star Wars dorks to a George Lucas autograph signing…….and now Internet scam suckers are being lured in by, you guessed it, the prospect of tickets to the Oprah Winfrey show. Maybe thinking they have a shot to win a car or see Tom Cruise hop like a sugared-up six-year-old on Oprah’s couch, these people are responding to emails soliciting their personal information, confirmation of financial information or the wiring of money to a third party for tickets to the talk show. The problem? Tickets are thankfully free, all you have to do is make a reservation and get on the list. I say thankfully because I’m not sure why anyone would be eager to attend an Oprah show, with the possible exception being women in the 35-60 age bracket who have no hobbies. But the fact that anyone at all still responds to spam emails that request any sort of personal information is amazing, and it makes you realize why there are still so man scam artists out there, and also makes you a bit sad that you aren’t a low enough life form to run a scam of your own.
- It’s gotta be a bad feeling being the quarterback of an NFL team, going into a game knowing that after this game, you are going to lose your starting job. Losing your job is bad enough, but now you have to go out and play in big game knowing that you’re not going to be starting after this anyhow? That’s the dilemma facing Denver Broncos QB Jake Plummer. Now The Snake has played absolutely awful football and deserves to lose his job to rookie Jay Cutler, that’s not the issue. I just figure head coach Mike Shanahan could have kept this one under his hat until after the Kansas City game. Nothing like being a lame duck quarterback and playing a game knowing your team doesn’t have enough confidence in you to keep your job and that you’re only starting because it’s a short week (Thursday game) without enough time to work in a new QB.

- I don’t share the apprehension and skepticism about the new Rocky movie that many people do. Most of the Rocky movies were out before I was born or before I was old enough to appreciate them, and I’ve never been inclined to sit down and watch them nowadays. Still, I don’t hold out a lot of hope for the new Rocky Balboa, despite the presence of one of my favorite actors, Milo Ventamiglia (Gilmore Girls, Heroes). If Sly Stallone was too old and not longer spry enough to pull off a good portrayal of a boxer in the last Rocky movie, how are several years and many more miles going to help? How is it going to be at all passable or believable for him to stand toe to toe with actual boxer and champion Antonio Tarver in this movie? Yes, we do suspend our disbelief in a lot of movies in order to accept the plots and thus enjoy the film, but this is just getting to the point of ridiculousness. Let the Rocky genre be, move on to something new, Sly.

- The current Guns N’ Roses tour isn’t going well, nor is the production of the decade-in-the-making Chinese Democracy album. Already on this tour, Axl Rose has been arrested in Sweden for biting a guard, crowds have been noticeably smaller and a gig at the Cumberland County Civic Center in Maine was cancelled, due to either the band not being allowed to drink alcohol on stage (the club’s story), or the fire marshal promising to crack down harshly and vengefully on the band and its fans during the show (the band’s story). But Axl and his multi-time reformed and reshaped GNR posse are still churning along, although based on the inability to complete the album and the fate of past tours, including 2002’s aborted trek across the country, it would shocking if this one didn’t end in disaster.

Catfights, schools with no rules and sex sculpture parks

- As if you needed further reasons to ignore awards shows like the American Music Awards……..the fact that it’s essentially the same unimaginative, predictable show every year doesn’t help. Same group of performers, same run of the mill nominees, no real new artists in the spotlight……..and any show that honors the Black Eyed Peas in any way, shape or form has zero credibility with me. Take a look at the winners and try to find a single fresh, quality name among them: Sean Paul, Kelly Clarkson, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nickelback, Eminem, Shakira……you get the point. Performers, more of the same: Beyonce, Gwen Stefani, Jay-Z. And it’s not that all of these artists are awful; some are great, such as Jay-Z, but it’s more of the same, like some select country club group that you have to get on a five-year waiting list to join. Not to mention there’s a new awards show on every other week, so that further dilutes any remaining significance that events like the AMA have.

- If two insignificant daytime talk show hosts have a catfight, does anyone really care? Rosie v. Kelly is the current skirmish, Rosie being fat, obnoxious, rude, unfunny militant lesbian Rosie O’Donnell, and Kelly being unnaturally perky and cute-as-a-button Kelly Ripa. Ripa had a squabble with waifish, effeminate crooner Clay Aiken when he co-hosted Regis & Kelly with her recently. The details of the Aiken-Ripa spat aren't all that vital, what’s funny is Rosie going militant lesbian and ripping Ripa (pun intended) and saying she would’ve been nicer and not made the comments she had made if it had been about, um, a more masculine, shall we say, celebrity. Pretty funny because no one actually knows if Aiken is straight or gay, but Rosie interjects that for no apparent reason. Seems someone is a little sensitive about the topic of sexuality. Ripa then blasted Rosie, and the fight rages on………….

- Nomination for “Best School Ever” goes to the Brooklyn Free School, an institution that is the absolute dream of anyone who has ever had to sit through a lecture on the digestive system of a frog or try to figure out the correct way to conjugate a Spanish verb. Students at this school don’t get grades, have homework, take tests and aren't required to attend class. They study whatever subjects they want, topics like horror movies, chess, debating, card games, etc. These types of schools, which were immensely popular in the late 1960s and early 1970s, operate on the assumption that students learn best when they want to and aren't forced to. At BFS, students are required to be in school for 5 ½ hours a day, but other than that, everything is up to them. I absolutely love this concept, even if it might lead to these kids growing up without being able to do some things that students at “conventional” schools can. Need proof of the school’s effectiveness? There’s a waiting list to get in, and if it were so awful, I doubt that would be the case.

- Every natural disaster or similar catastrophe brings with it touching tales of humanity and people lending a helping hand to their fellow man………along with tales of scuzzbuckets taking advantage of that generosity and making everyone have second thoughts about helping. Joshua and Delores Thompson, now of New Orleans, fall into the latter category. See, soon after Hurricane Katrina hit, these two came to the Temple of Deliverance Church of God in Christ (that’s a mouthful), located in Memphis, and told their tale of woe about being devastated by the storm, losing their home, blah blah blah. So there church’s members dug deep and actually bought the couple a $75,000 home in Memphis. So how do the Thompsons thank the members of the church? By never living in the home, turning around and selling it for $88,000 and then moving back to New Orleans. When confronted with allegations of impropriety, J. Thompson came up with the oh-so-clever and very Christian-like, “Take it up with God.” His wife, whom some church members doubt is really his wife at all, hung up on an interviewer when pressed about the ethicality of what she had done. This just makes you feel bad for all of the people impacted by the hurricane who really are trying to rebuild their lives and do it without being lying sleazeballs.

- Hate it when I lose one of my $154 million Mars surveyors, don’t you? NASA has that problem, although in all fairness, they did get 10 years of use out of the craft that scoured the red planet’s surface and sent information back to earth. Hey, I know you have six of these bad boys on Mars, but is it too much to ask that you keep track of them? Even with 10 years in service, that would be $15.4 million a year, which seems a bit steep of a price. I know, I know, when we find a way to live on Mars and create civilizations, this will all be worht it, sure. Funniest of all is listening to NASA dorks talk about the lost craft like it’s an old buddy of theirs, talking about great memories of it and what not. Fellas, put down your wire rimmed glasses, take off your pocket protectors and step out into actual sunlight for the first time in years. It’s a piece of machinery that you lost, not your best friend that you’ve known since grade school. But in the future, let’s try to keep closer tabs on things we pay $154 million for, K?

- The whole “fall finale” concept is spreading around TV like a virus. Now CBS is copying FOX and having a fall finale for Jericho. Every year, networks stick us with big gaps in the season for every show, especially around the holidays, when they figure people aren't watching as much TV because they have other things to do, but do we really need to label it as a fall finale and pretend like it’s something other than what it is. And what it is, is one more show during a season that you won't show the successor for until a couple months down the road.

- Props to the Chicago Cubs, I guess, for signing free agent IF/OF Alfonso Soriano to an 8-year, $136 million contract. I’ve been a Cubs fan since I was eight, so any move that might help the team suck a little less is welcome. What’s hilarious is that for years, the Tribune Co., owner of the Cubs, was viewed as a spendthrift, cheap entity that wouldn’t spend the cash to keep top players, such as Greg Maddux, who left for a Hall of Fame run with the Braves for a decade. Now, they suddenly have money to spend, and it’s good to see. Soriano strikes out a lot, but he’s a great leadoff hitter who joined baseball’s exclusive 40/40 club last year with 46 home runs, 41 stolen bases. But what the Cubs really need is perpetually injured pitchers Mark Prior and Kerry Wood to actually pitch a full year and not spend 3/5 of every year on the disabled list.

- Want to live in a neighborhood with a park of sex sculptures? If so, Huayre, Peru is the place for you. The residents of the city find the sculptures amusing, a slap in the face of national rulers who have for years wasted their money on extravagances and unneeded projects. So instead of taking newly-distributed money and putting it toward paved streets or a sewage system, neither of which Huayre has, the city and its leaders created sexually-explicit sculptures. Fantastic idea, Peruvians. After all, why install much needed services and roads when you can have the pleasure of flipping the proverbial middle finger at people you feel have wrong you in the past. So when major health problems arise because of the unsanitary conditions resulting from no working sewer system, you can point to the fact that you got over on the national leaders you despise with your sex sculptures. What a smart, well thought out plan. I think I’ve found a job for W once his term in office ends: mayor of Huayre. It’s a perfect fit, really.

Pulling the plug on the Juice, W is still confused.......

- Bad week for Cosmo Kramer, i.e. Michael Richards of Seinfeld fame. By now, everyone has heard about his profanity-laced, racial-epitaph-containing tirade directed at two patrons at a West Hollywood comedy club where Richards was performing. There’s no way any performer, radio or TV personality can say “nigger” and have it be acceptable, period. So Richards erred, and he apologized, which obviously he had to do. But isn't it amazing to see everyone rush to condemn him as a bigoted, racist hatemonger, with seemingly no one willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Who knows, maybe people who know him well aren't surprised and maybe there are similar incidents in the past that foreshadowed this one. But unless and until those come to light, let’s hold off on painting this guy as the next Grand Wizard of the KKK or the leader of a lynch mob senselessly hanging people just because of their skin color. So while I don’t defend your comments, Kramer, I’ll give you the temporary benefit of the doubt, you can still pop into my apartment, eat my food and stash a hose under my kitchen sink for the time being.

- Odds of Fred Goldman murdering O.J. with his bare hands just went down a few percentage points. I know, the odds decreasing from 991% to 975% doesn’t make a huge difference, and I can still see Goldman going Carl Lee Haley in A Time to Kill on the Juice. Yet thankfully News Corp., parent company of FOX, is pulling the plug on the whole “If I did it, here’s how it happened” media blitz that was to include a book and two-part TV special. FOX knew what it was doing in greenlighting the project to begin with, so they look bad even in pulling it because they underestimated the backlash. My question is how long is it until someone gets their hands on the video and it ends up on YouTube, because you can be sure that’s coming. Better yet is what O.J. was planning on doing with the money he was to receive from the project, in the neighborhood of $3.5 million. To skirt the civil case judgment against him that would mandate the money going to settle the judgment in favor of the victims’ families, the Juice set it up to have the money go directly to his kids. Way to slap the Goldmans and Browns in the face one more time, you homicidal (allegedly) loser.

- The next clue in the Prison Break story……..next week will be the “fall finale” for the series, whatever that means. Presumably, it will be back before next fall but after the holidays, leaving plenty of room for vagueness. Who knows, maybe FOX is looking to give extra space and promotional muscle to the new season of 24, and once that gets underway, PB will come back. All I know is that season two of the show keeps getting better and better, with plenty of twists and turns and plenty of explosions, shooting and intrigue.

- Welcome to the “Resisting arrest during a traffic stop” club, Antonio Bryant. The San Francisco 49ers wide received was picked up for reckless driving, DUI and resisting arrest Sunday night. Theories as the reasons for his being drunk and driving around that way are divided into two camps: 1) Bryant was devastated after being cut from my fantasy football team Sunday afternoon and this is how he chose to deal with it, or 2) he went a bit overboard in celebrating his team’s big win over Seattle on Sunday. Either way, props to him for not resisting to the point of getting tasered, which makes him a tiny bit smarter than most athletes in the same situation, as smart as someone driving drunk can be anyhow.

- Could not be happier that Derek Jeter did not win the American League MVP award. No other reason for that than the fact that I hate the New York Yankees, hate them with a burning passion. Their arrogance, massively bloated payroll and annoying fans make it impossible for anyone outside of the Five Boroughs to root for them or their players. Of course, Jeter didn’t actually deserve the award, what with his inferior statistics to the other top candidates and the fact that the only reason he was seriously considered was that he plays for the Yankees and too much of the media is slanted in the favor of all things New York. So to recap 2006, the Captain loses out on the MVP to Minnesota’s Justin Morneau and the Yankees get wiped out in the playoffs by the Detroit Freakin’ Tigers. All in all, a good year for baseball, let’s all hope for a repeat in 2007, 2008, 2009………………….

- Ron Artest’s rap career is off to an underwhelming start. The NBA star/fan assaulter/raging psychopath/aspiring rapper released his debut album a week or so ago on his own record label, and all I can say is………….well, I hope that the other artists on the label are more talented than Ron-Ron. The self-glossed “Tru Warrier” sold a whopping 343 copies of the album in its first week on store shelves. My math would show that selling 343 copies probably isn't enough to cover the cost of producing, packaging and shipping all of those albums, let alone turn a profit. As I heard Jay-Z say in an interview recently, pretty much all NBA ballers want to be rappers and all rappers wanna be NBA ballers, but the Tru Warrier is one NBA player who might just want to stick to basketball. After all, he does have trouble doing that, by which I mean playing the game and not going into the stands to attack the wrong fan after someone throws a cup of beer at him. Keep it on the court, Ron-Ron, see if you can master that first and don’t make any more runs at recording rap albums.

- With rival factions calling for him to either increase U.S. military presence in Iraq or begin withdrawing our troops, President Bush said on Monday that he has decided to…………..do nothing. And why am I not surprised? I can picture W, deep in concentration, wearing his Sponge Bob pajamas, eating some pizza bites and staring pensively at a speck of dirt on the floor as he thinks, “Man, I sure am glad they figured out a way to put peanut butter and jelly in the same jar, wonder when they’ll do that with ketchup and mustard…..” Then an aide will shake him from his trance and remind him that he has a country to run. Obviously this guy hasn’t decided what to do in Iraq, he hasn’t had a clue what he’s doing from the start, so why would he suddenly have a clue? Someone needs to step in and make this decision for him before he thinks a bit too hard and hurts himself. Our best hope at this point is to wait two years for our next president to be elected and hope that he will be better able to figure out how to put an end to a war that never should have started.

it's monday, don't rub it in. focus on the 130 bags of crack.........

- Never have I been so ecstatic to see a group of animated penguins at the top of any list. The new Happy Feet movie, about penguins who apparently love to dance, was the top grossing movie over the weekend, outdistancing the new James Bond movie by a few million dollars. What’s funny is that I am so giddy to see the dancing penguins (not to be confused with the penguin dance, a sensation sweeping the nation) because it means that insipid Borat movie is no longer at the top of the list. I’ll go out on a limb and say that I would, if give the choice, watch Happy Feet instead of Borat, and that the writing and humor in the former are markedly better. That, and the makers of Happy Feet didn’t have to lie to anyone or misrepresent the scope and nature of their movie in order to get people on camera as Borat did. Now people are lining up to sue the makers of Borat for those very reasons. How about people who paid to see it suing for their ten bucks back? That’s a lawsuit I can get on board with.

- Running first in the “Most Despised Congressman” derby……….in a landslide victory, it’s New York Rep. Charles Rangel, a Democrat whose aims I don’t object to but whose means are, well, idiotic. Rangel, like myself (and anyone with more than four brain cells and not related to W - well, those are both kinda the same thing) is looking for ways to bring the Iraq mess to a close. However, Rangel feels that reinstating the draft is the way to go, because those prolonging the conflict would feel differently about doing so if there was a chance their friends, family members and constituents might be subject to…………..a draft! That’s right, Rangel wants to reinstate the f’ing draft. That’s the worst idea I’ve heard in a long time, and not just because I object to the war concept in general and am fully committed to 1) never being shot at, and 2) never shooting at anyone. Our military is struggling enough with people who actually do want to be serving, how exactly is its level of effectiveness going to increase by bringing in people who are there against their will? Fortunately, Rangel’s awful idea isn't going anywhere in Congress. Back in 2003, a measure to reinstate the draft was voted down 402-2. If more than 400 representatives agree on any one issue, I think it’s safe to say that’s an issue people feel strongly about. Good sentiment, Chuck, but looks like you need a better plan.

- Scratch Carnival Cruise Lines from your vacation plans for the foreseeable future. The Carnival Liberty, one of the company’s large cruise ships, docked in Ft. Lauderdale over the weekend for a thorough cleansing after the vast majority of the ship’s 700 passengers became ill shortly after the ship left port. Norovirus, which I have no idea about, is blamed for the illnesses, but it really doesn’t matter the specific ailment. All I know is that when I’m trapped on a boat out at sea with no real means for a quick escape, I don’t want to have some mysterious ailment running rampant throughout the ship’s population. I don’t have a fear of water, boats or drowning, but I think I will restrict my vacationing to dry land until cruise ship companies find a way to keep illness-causing viruses from runnin’ wild on their boats.

- Any time you bring up the topic of race in relation to anything, it riles people up. Not my intention here, so hear me out. Caught an interesting music video on recently from a group named TV on the Radio, an all black rock group. This isn't rock in the sense of AC/DC, Metallica or even Pearl Jam, but rather along the indie/alt lines. Still, it falls into the rock genre, and it got me thinking how very rare it is to see an all black rock group. As it happens, TV on the Radio is a great group and they have a great sound, along with a video that features people turning into werewolves. I am sure there are some deeply rooted cultural and social reasons why there aren't as many all black rock groups, centered around rock not being as closely tied to urban areas as other genres, such as hip hop, soul, R&B, etc. are. But rock does have roots in soul and gospel, so you can't make that argument without factoring everything in. In the end, though, I’m all for as man great rock/indie/alternative bands out there as we can get, regardless of their race or skin color. Rock is rock, and rock is still the best kind of music out there eight days a week.

- Are you as stunned by this headline as I am: “Bush faces cool reception in Indonesia”? Thought so. W is on a tour of Asia and the Pacific Rim, and amazingly, people in that area of the world, which is predominantly Muslim, aren't thrilled to see him. Indonesia is the world’s most populous Muslim country, and there were thousands of angry protestors (isn't that redundant, aren't protestors by their very nature angry?) decrying America’s policy in the Middle East and wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. What’s truly funny is that millions of people in America actually agree with what those protestors are saying, we’re just not as extremist about it. We won’t be rioting, er, protesting in such violent fashion, burning W in effigy and what not. But why in the world would W bother stopping in Indonesia when getting shot at seems like a very likely outcome. Amazingly, W was slated to spend most of his time in Indonesia at Bogor Palace, a presidential retreat outside of Jakarta. What, not going to mingle with the little people, W? No hand shaking and baby kissing, maybe have some lunch at a local eatery with the commoners? Have your powwow with the Indonesian prez, W, but hurry up and get back to America so you can continue screwing up your own country.

- Interesting NFL weekend, with a few notable highlights: for the third time in the last five years, Donovan McNabb suffers a devastating injury, and for the second consecutive year, it’s season ending. This time, a torn right ACL is the malady, and it occurred on a seemingly innocuous fall on the Tennessee Titans’ sideline. Tough break for D-Mac and the Eagles, their season is over. The Indianapolis Colts’ season isn't over, but their unbeaten streak is, snapped at nine following a 21-14 loss to Dallas. So now the 1972 Miami Dolphins, those myopic, bitter old men, can bust open their champagne bottles and celebrate now that the last unbeaten team has lost. Someone needs to run the table, go 16-0 just to shut those bitter old geezers up. Oh, and by the way, LaDanian Tomlinson is freaky good. He scored four more touchdowns last night in San Diego’s 35-27 win over Denver. LT has 22 TDs on the season, and needs only six in the final six games to set a new single-season TD record. His consecutive four touchdown games are a new record, his 22 TDs in the first ten games is a record and he’s the fastest player ever to 100 career TDs, needing only 89 games. Remarkable talent, and this year, he just might be on the best team in the NFL. Lastly, zero props to 49ers coach Mike Nolan for sporting a suit on the sidelines. I am all about the sleeves cut off, mangy looking hoodies worn by Patriots coach Bill Belichick. Suits and ties are so formal and restrictive, makes you look like you’re workin’ for (and held down by) The Man. Thankfully, NFL coaches are only allowed to wear suits during two games a season, so we won't have to see that much more.

- As much pleasure as people derive from the antics of William Shatner, it needs to be said that just attaching his name and presence to a show, movie or commercial doesn’t make it good. ABC seems to be neglecting that principle with their new Shatner-led game show. Dude is neither cool nor funny, and while I think most people are laughing at and not with him and don’t take him too seriously, throwing up a game show whose workings and rules are unclear and one that features “Million Dollar Hookers/Dancers” who dance like marionettes at Shatner’s cue, this is not a good idea. The unintentional comedy aside, I am predicting a short run for this one, and a truly, truly devastating blow for television when this clunker is yanked from the air.

- Breaking news: now-former Los Angeles Dodgers pitching prospect Kengshill Pujols has a drug problem. I say this with confidence not because Pujols was popped this season with a 50-game suspension for violating baseball’s steroid policy. That would be a hint that something was wrong; being arrested for having 130 bags of crack on your person would be a bigger hint. Worse yet, 118 of those bags were stashed in Pujols’ drawers. Yes, dude was carrying crack in his underwear. How he managed to jam 118 bags in his boxers is beyond me, and the fact that some crack addict would be willing to smoke or ingest something that had been inside another guy’s underwear is disturbing. Maybe Pujols sewed the bags into his drawers, maybe he taped them in there with some duct tape, I don’t know. What I do know is that if you are going to have 130 bags of crack on you, you had best not be driving erratically and have no driver’s license when you get pulled over. The only positive for Pujols was that he didn’t follow the recent pattern of athletes refusing to comply with orders from police and getting tasered as a result. The Dodgers released Pujols after learning of the arrest, and I am going to go out on a limb and say that this isn't going to help his career or his goal of reaching the big leagues.

sunday six

- Saturday’s Ohio State-Michigan game was fantastic - of course, in no way does that justify the overboard, suffocating, 24/7 blitz of coverage leading up to the game. No game should ever receive that much coverage. Still, it was definitely one of the top two or three college games of the season. Yet I am going to reverse field from what I had previously believed and say that there should not be a rematch in the national championship game. Why not? The most compelling reason I have heard, and it just makes logical sense: say Michigan would win the national championship game against the Buckeyes. What you would then have is a 1-1 split in two games between the teams, yet Michigan would be the national champion? Huh? Shouldn’t that necessitate some sort of tie breaker. And since when should a team, OSU in this case, have to beat one team twice to win a championship? Let’s have Saturday’s sparkling gem of a game stand alone and match the Buckeyes up against USC, Florida or Arkansas in the title tilt. Right now, in the BCS standings, which determine who will play in the national championship game, Michigan remains second behind Ohio State, but USC should jump over them if they can beat Notre Dame and USC to finish the regular season.

- Toilet enthusiasts are overflowing (pardon the pun) at news of the World Toilet Association’s first-ever global summit, to be held in South Korea in November 2007. The organization hopes to have representatives from 50 nations present to discuss the state of their public restrooms. Set aside for the moment my mortal fear of public restrooms and willingness to put my own bodily well-being in danger to avoid using one and consider what a monumental moment this is in terms of world politics. So many nations will set aside their differences and come together in the hopes of reaching a consensus on topics such as the best scent and shape for urinal cakes, whether blow dryers or paper towels are better for drying your hands and whether one-ply toilet paper will suffice or if they should bite the bullet and pay extra for the two-ply. All of this, however, can't sit well with the rival World Toilet Organization. Yes, there are competing toilet organizations, much like boxing, with four separate governing bodies. No word on whether the two toilet federations have their own title belts, but here’s hoping they meet in a plunge-off to decide who is number one in the business of providing a place for people to go number two.

- So an update on the topic I mentioned recently of ABC’s canceling new show Six Degrees only a few episodes into the season. The network insists the series will be revived in January, although you can believe that when you see it. In fact, they may retool the whole focus of the show, narrowing down the six-character theme that gave the show its name in order to zone in on two specific characters, Whitney (Bridget Moynahan) and Steven Caseman, the show’s resident former drug addict and fashion photographer. I had alluded to the show’s inability to smoothly shift between all six central characters and maintain a coherent flow and feel, so this might be a step in the right direction, although it would be a shame to lose the other four characters entirely. Still, the series has a lot of promise, so reworking it and giving it another go could be a good idea. Stay tuned.

- Count me among those who will be sure to miss the Madonna concert special on NBC this week. Aside from the fact that I find her mock crucifixion offensive to the umpteenth degree, her music has always been a mystery to me, a mystery as in I’m mystified how anyone likes or listens to it. You can reinvent yourself two dozen times, but if every incarnation of your persona produces equally crappy music, count me out. All of it falls into the same lame pop category, just in different packages - cowboy hat and chaps, leather, leotard, etc. I know gay men everywhere and middle aged women love Madge’s music, but that hardly makes it anything other than dance music/club/techno fodder. The only thing bigger than the gap between Madonna’s music and actual good music is that chasm between her two front teeth.

- Iceberg, right ahead! Well, at least it is for residents of New Zealand. Normally, when you think of the Kiwis and their terrific country, you think of warm weather and sunny skies. Yet here we have an iceberg that had broken loose and drifted within sight of Dunedin, on New Zealand’s South Island. The iceberg has drifted away now, but not before providing enough crushed ice for lots and lots of fruity drinks with tiny umbrellas for tourists visiting New Zealand.

- Our nation’s governors held their retreat this past week, and the chief topic on the agenda was immigration. That leads me to ask: what? Am I missing something. For the governors of certain states, such as Texas, California, Arizona, New York, New Mexico, Florida, yes, but what about the governors of places like Kansas, Iowa and Utah? Is immigration really a big concern for these places? Are illegals dropping out of planes into places like Provo, Ames and Topeka or streaming across the border in a mad rush to get to Salt Lake City? Would topics like health care, transportation, the economy and the environment be better suited for a gathering of state leaders? Either that or finding ideas for improving those lame bets political leaders make when teams from their respective states meet on the athletic field in championship games. Y’know, like when the governor of Maryland bets Twenty pounds of crab legs that a team from his state will defeat a team from Louisiana, whose governor bets a big pot of gumbo and some Mardi Gras beads that his state’s team will win. Or maybe the governors were too busy having all night poker games and hiring hookers for one another to get any actual work done.

the beatles live, kind of, and when sea lions get angry.......

- Gotta love the vagueness from FOX when it comes to Prison Break. Now, they are saying on promos that the next two episodes are “the final two of the fall.” What the frack does that even mean? I assume that it means the show is done until August, when a new season kicks off. That’s the good news, because at least it means we’re in store for another exciting season. But why not just say last two episodes of the season? Look, the show’s general premise is mystery, intrigue, deception and misdirection, so it perhaps shouldn’t be the biggest surprise that FOX is following the same pattern when it comes to promoting the show. Again, I gotta say, with what is arguably the network’s best show, I would think you would want to get as much mileage and exposure out of it as possible. But as we all know, television execs are waaaaaay smarter than all of us and always, always make smart decisions.

- How many times can we “hear the Beatles like you’ve never heard them before?” There’s a commercial airing for a “new” Beatles album, due out next month at a certain large, overpriced electronics store, probably other places too, I just heard this particular commercial. But with all due respect to the Beatles, a group I love and own nearly every album for, there are only so many times you can tweak, rearrange, remix and repackage their material. John Lennon is dead, has been for decades, and the other three Beatles are doing other things. The group doesn’t exist anymore, they haven't recorded any new songs since the 70s, so stop trying to make money off of them with “new” albums. The ones they already have will suffice, thanks, so Michael Jackson or whomever now owns the rights to most of the Beatles’ songs, just stop.

- This should go without saying, but apparently it does need to be said: if you waited in line for more than two hours to buy the new Sony PS-3 and/or camped out overnight outside of a store to buy one, you are a gigantic loser. It doesn’t matter if you live in a warm, sunny state like Florida and could camp out without risking hypothermia, or if you live in Minnesota and risked losing your toes to frostbite just for the shot at shelling out $600 for the new console, you are a pathetic loser. It’s just a video game system, no matter if it is the best system ever. You should not be skipping class or calling off sick to work to wait in line for one. And you just know that a lot of those in line were college dudes, ages 18-23 or so, which begs an important question: shouldn’t y’all be a little more concerned with securing the keg for your big party this weekend and finding a hot chick to hook up with instead of doing the same thing you did when you were 12-years-old and too young to drink or hook up with hot chicks? C’mon fellas, you can do better.

- Score another win for non-smokers. Casinos in Atlantic City that pushed through exemptions to a new statewide smoking ban may lose out anyhow. The City Council is likely to pass no smoking legislation of their own, meaning gamblers will have to be content with just losing their money and getting drunk and will no longer be able to increase their chances for lung cancer by smoking or inhaling secondhand smoke in casinos. Really, isn't that the trifecta, though, losing your money, wrecking your liver be drinking all of the free or nearly free booze at a casino and upping your odds for lung cancer all in one stop. Sorry casinos, looks like people will have to smoke their cancer sticks elsewhere.

- Beware of angry sea lions, San Franciscans. A raging, hostile sea lion (maybe he’s pissed that the Giants aren't going to resign Barry Bonds?) has bitten at least 14 swimmers and chased 10 others out of the water at a lagoon in one of the city’s public parks. Now the area is temporarily closed to swimmers, shockingly. I’m not sure if the sea lion is a city employee or not (probably not, judging by his high level of productivity and efficiency in biting and harassing swimmers, no city employee does that good of work), but I’m sure somebody would try to sue the city for not properly warning them or restraining the sea lion. But let this be a cautionary tale, just because you see a certain type of animal at Sea World or the zoo and they’re all warm, fuzzy and tame, don’t assume you can approach them in the wild. The same thing holds true for Mike Tyson, who should never be approached or fed if you see him on the street.

- Is there any reason for someone making $20 million a year to be this disgruntled? Philadelphia 76ers forward Chris Webber, he of the *fine* University of Michigan education and inability to count how many timeouts his team has left, is acting like a petulant two-year old because he isn't getting the playing time and scoring opportunities he feels that he deserves. Forget for a second that dude is apparently in denial about being an over-the-hill, worn-down, high-mileage aging star who can no longer play at a high level. Just focus on the fact that he is throwing such a fit and demanding to play more or be traded despite making $42 guaranteed over the next two seasons. Look, I know pro athletes are intensely competitive and that’s how they got to where they are, but at some point C-Webb needs to face reality and thank the Lord multiple times daily for being paid exorbitant amounts of jack to basically do nothing. You’ve had your run, C-Webb, you had a lot of good years, now accept your status as a role player and do the best you can without so much complaining.

Exploiting the homeless and disturbing Michael Jackson news

- So not everyone is down on the President for having no coherent plan or timetable for withdrawing American troops from Iraq. Gen. John Abizaid, the top U.S. commander in the Middle East, spoke to Congress and warned against setting an actual timetable for pulling American troops from a place they never should have been in the first place. Abizaid tried to sell Congress on the reasoning that if, in six months, the U.S. were to begin withdrawing its troops, violence in Iraq would increase. No freaking kidding, genius. Violence is going to increase no matter when we pull out, but that’s not our problem. American soldiers should not be on the receiving end of that violence or have any part in it, for that matter. Senator Hank Clinton of New York, wife of our former President, was especially critical of Abizaid’s stance, and for once, I agree with her. We can't just hope things get better and stick it out; get all of our troops out of there and let the Iraqis settle things for themselves. With advisors and military leaders like this, it’s no stunner that W has floated along for so long without a strategy or schedule for this mess and when to end it.

- You may have heard about the Charlotte man who found an interesting, slightly sleazy and yet not surprising way to make some extra money using eBay. Making money off of eBay is nothing new, but paying homeless guys $100 a day to stand outside a Target in order to buy a new Sony PS-3 that you plan to then sell on eBay is. So this “entrepreneur” got the bright idea and with the help of a friend, picked up nearly 50 homeless men from a local shelter (did he call ahead and place his order?) and transported them to the store in a U-Haul truck. The thought of those guys packed into a U-Haul like sardines is more than a little disturbing, for sure. But this “entrepreneur” did come back with food for the men, so they are being both fed and paid. Problem is, what do you think the homeless guys are going to do with the money? I can say for certain nonee of them is going down to the local First Merit to open up a passbook savings account. Nor are they going out for a nice steak dinner. More than likely, that money is going to feed the very same habits that made them homeless in the first place, namely drugs and alcohol. So I would have to come down on the side of our homeless hiring genius and his buddy being pretty despicable for exploiting these homeless men, and no, paying them does not absolve you of that.

- From the Department of People Looking for Any Reason at all to be Offended, a Chicago-area mother and son lost a bid in federal court to halt this weekend’s production of an Italian-themed play performed by an area school, Rotolo Middle School. Marina Amoroso-Levato and her 12-year-old son, a student at the school, objected to the play’s depiction of Italian culture in Fuggedaboutit - A Little Mobster Comedy, a play written by Matt Myers, a drama teacher at the school. The play is about two elderly mobsters who open an Italian restaurant, and among other things, the script included the word “greaseball”. Seeing as a federal judge, in a country overboard on political correctness, ruled the play was alright, I’m going to assume it is a pretty benign show. Amoroso-Levato and her son need to have a sense of humor and lighten up, because I’m sure that if it were truly offensive, there would be more than one parent objecting and suing. For Myers, though, it might be a good idea to begin wearing a disguise and wig, maybe one of those fake-mustache-nose-and-goofy-glasses deals, and changing your name and phone number. Making fun of the mob is perhaps not the best idea, especially in Chicago. Matt, buddy, you might wanna lay low for a while, keep a low profile.

- Updating yesterday’s major beef with ESPN overrunning coverage of Mid-American Conference football with non-stop ads, promos and graphics for the OSU-Michigan game……..they freaking did it again! Another MAC game Wednesday, Miami (Ohio) versus Bowling Green, and the damned announcers, Lou Holtz, Chris Fowler and Mark May, essentially ignored the fact that the game itself was going on so they could have in game interviews with former OSU players, throw up some more tired graphics and charts and generally slurp on the Buckeyes and Wolverines some more. I’ve never been one of those people that watches a sporting event, puts the mute button on and listens to the radio broadcast to accompany the game, but that’s basically what I did. The game is too far from my area to get on radio, but listening without sound was preferable to listening to a three-hour promo for “The Big Game”. Literally, a half dozen plays would go by without any of the three tools in the announcing booth even referring to the Miami-BG game, either of the two schools or anything but OSU and Michigan. Way to go, ass hats, give me yet another reason to believe that ESPN sucks.
- Gambling isn't a problem, especially in conjunction with sports…….sure. Is that why an Internet sports betting ring that took in $3.3 billion in the past two years was just busted up by the FBI, a betting ring that included a scout for MLB’s Washington Nationals and a pro poker player? Isn't it great too, that those poker websites always are sure to say in tiny print on their commercials that they are not gambling sites? Yeah, except poker and gambling are so inextricably intertwined that they are impossible to separate. The ring centered on placing sports bets through bookies, who would then assign bettors a secret betting code to track their wagers and monitor point spreads through a secret website. But yeah, why not give in to those who want to legalize gambling in states across the nation. It isn't as if people are losing billions of dollars and developing severe gambling addictions and heading to prison. Gambling brings nothing but good news for everyone who gets involved, right? That leads us to our next story………

- NBA legend Michael Jordan is looking to invest millions of dollars in a new Pennsylvania slot parlor. Not ordinarily a problem, except Jordan is part-owner of the Charlotte Bobcats, and the NBA definitely seeks to distance itself from any sort of gambling or gaming. Well, except when they are putting an upcoming All-Star game in Vegas. But they won't, under any circumstances, put an actual franchise in a city where betting is legal. So Commissioner David Stern can't be happy about the prospect of MJ investing in a slot parlor, given that he is openly looking to regulate things like how players can dress and if they can carry guns outside of team functions, on their own time. Not a surprise that MJ is investing in gambling, though, he’s probably just looking to make back a few of the bucks he’s lost gambling over the years, and if he has to do so by bilking old people out of their change at the slot machines, one nickel at a time, then that’s how he’ll do it.

- I’m more than a little uncomfortable that Michael Jackson is inching ever so closer to the U.S. He had taken up residence in Bahrain, but Wednesday was in London to perform at the World Music Awards. Jack-O needs to stay as far away from our borders as possible, predominantly for the safety of all American children. We have enough once-black-dude-now-white-chick, child molesting freak shows, thanks. And very disturbing that Jack-O’s performance included him appearing on stage with a gaggle of singing, swaying youths……someone better check on those kids, because I really don’t want to think what Jack-O did with/to them after the show. Let’s hope their parents were waiting backstage to whisk them away from that freak job the instant the performance ended, although these are parents who allowed Jack-O near their kids to begin with, so you have to wonder. Me, I would have been out there on stage, holding my kid’s hand, keeping myself between them and Jackson at all times. Sure, a rendition of We are the World by Jack-O and his young friends would be, um, horrifying, but not as horrifying as the thought of any child left alone with him. Go back to Bahrain with Bubbles the chimp and stay the frack away from all kids and America in general, you pasty-faced loser.

- Speaking of people looking to be offended, how is no one suing or b*tching about the CW network cramming all four of their shows with African-American casts onto a single night and packing the rest of its schedule with shows that feature few, in some cases no, black actors? Wouldn’t it be kind of offensive to a particular group to be given one night where their cultural/ethnic group was on a network and have the rest of the week basically exclude them? Not that I have found any of those shows to be at all worth watching, because from my limited viewing of them, they’re all fairly uninteresting. But even so, maybe it’s not the best idea to pigeonhole them into a single night.

Tasers, slot machines and "Big Game" overload

- With all of the crime shows on TV - CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, CSI: Topeka, CSI: Bismarck, CSI: Myrtle Beach - forensics and DNA evidence are a well-known part of the legal system now. Hundreds of convicted criminals, some even on death row, have been exonerated and freed from prison thanks to just this kind of evidence. So let’s say you do have your conviction overturned and are given a second chance at freedom and to restart your life? Well, if you’re Rudolph Holton of Tampa, Florida, a reprieved murderer back who was freed from death row in 2003 by DNA evidence, you violently choke your wife and get sent back to the hole for 20 years. Ol’ Rudy apparently wasn’t able to shake his old life, which included 11 (yes, 11) felony convictions. Escaping the electric chair wasn’t enough to motivate him to change, and so he finds himself back in a very familiar place.

- Imagine the following depressing, disheartening scene: hundreds of senior citizens waiting outside on a cold, rainy, foggy, overcast day just for the chance to throw away their meager income from pensions and social security at newly opened slot machines in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. What better advertisement for those, like some factions in Ohio, who advocate legalizing slots and other forms of gambling, than to have scores of elderly people on fixed incomes throwing away their money hoping to see cherry, cherry, cherry, or banana, banana, banana line up on the slot in front of them? Will gambling honks also be there to buy groceries and medication for those same elderly people when

- Your 2006 Managers of the Year for Major League Baseball, Jim Leyland (AL) and Joe Girardi (NL), were announced today. No real beef with Leyland, he did an amazing job in helping to turn the Tigers around from a laughingstock to a World Series team. The surly, chain smoking, take-no-nonsense demeanor make him an interesting character, and although I can't say as I’d ever want to play for a crotchety old man like that, Leyland deserved the award. Minnesota’s Ron Gardenhire deserved some consideration, seeing as his team did beat Leyland’s squad for the AL Central title, but the award went to the right guy. In the NL, however, I hafta take issue with Girardi. Managing a team chock full of rookies and inexperience guys is tough, especially when your entire payroll is less than what A-Rod makes for a season. But the Marlins ended up with a 78-84 record and didn’t make the playoffs. This isn't a “good job with a bunch of young players, almost had a .500 record” award, it’s Manager of the Year. Not too much to ask that it goes to a guy whose team won more than half of its games and maybe even made the playoffs. Good managing job by Joe, but the real winner of the award is Willie Randolph, who piloted the Mets to 97 wins and a division title.

- My “Tasered Pro Athlete” tally board is running out of space. Houston Texans offensive lineman Fred Weary is the latest bonehead to be tased, and predictably, it happened during the course of a routine traffic stop. Why do so many bad things happen during “routine traffic stops”? Pro athletes tend to have a sense of entitlement, sure, because they’ve been catered to since they were in high school to some extent, and so they think they’re above the law and can get away with whatever they want. But a cautionary note to all knucklehead pro ballers out there: if the cops pull you over, do what they ask. Especially if it’s a routine traffic stop, you need to follow their instructions. Things will go much more smoothly if you do what they say instead of mouthing off and resisting arrest. That’s the charge Weary may be facing, resisting arrest. So let’s review: instead of complying with the officer and getting maybe a $100 ticket, you instead got tased, arrested and you get to go to court and face charges of resisting arrest. Great judgment, Fred, I’m sure Mensa will be mailing your application to you any time.

- Today is two-for-one day in the world of idiots in pro sports……..Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen is looking to make a plea deal in the case against him for driving nude and drunk. Yes, nude and drunk, what are the odds that someone would get all liquored up and do something dumb, like driving drunk and going through a restaurant drive thru? The incident happened a couple months ago, and yesterday a judge said he would accept the plea deal if Cullen successfully completes a treatment program. Hmmm, didn’t know they had Nude Drivers Anonymous meetings. Is there a 12-step process for that one as well? Do you have to go through baby steps, such as learning to drive first in socks and underwear, then build up to a shirt, pants and shoes? For the sake of all motorists and citizens in the Detroit metro area, he’s hoping Cullen does kick his drinking habit and makes sure he is fully clothed when behind the wheel.

- How bizarre is it to continue hearing songs and see videos from artists who have passed away? Literally, I think Tupac has put out more albums since his death than he did while alive. Kurt Cobain’s music has also continued post-mortem, but the most recent example is Johnny Cash. Not knocking the “Man in Black”, he is definitely a landmark artist in music history; I even dig his most recently released single “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” and the video, featuring scores of celebrities and musicians, too many to name, although Jay-Z and Bono make appearances. But isn't it creepy to hear a “new” song from someone who is no longer with us? I understand if the person is working on an album at the time of their death and so you decide to see it through for them, but how about we drop a moratorium on doing that same thing well after they’re gone? Maybe a six-month of one-year time cap on that. Otherwise it looks suspiciously like their surviving loved ones are trying to make a last buck or two off of the deceased artist’s name and reputation.

- I’ve made a point of avoiding Ohio State-Michigan game news because I don’t enjoy over-the-top, suffocating, gratuitous coverage of sporting events, but you literally can't get away from it. That said, I’ll keep this as brief as possible: ESPN’s broadcast crew for last night’s Ball State-Toledo game should be ashamed of themselves. Here are two Mid-American Conference teams with a rare shot to play on national television, and the morons broadcasting the game use every spare second, sometimes even ignoring the action on the field, to throw up OSU-Michigan graphics, talk about the big game and even show video footage from a sporting goods store in the Toledo area that sells both OSU and Michigan swag. I literally stopped watching because I was about to vomit; I didn’t tune in to hear more about OSU-Michigan, I actually wanted to see and hear about MAC football, which was what you were supposedly showing. Next time, don’t insult my intelligence by purporting to air a MAC game and turning it into a three and a half hour love-fest for a totally different game that HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GAME YOU WERE SHOWING! ESPN, you suck and the broadcast team led by John Saunders and Chris Spielman, as well as the producers for the telecast, should be ashamed of themselves.

Tasers, slot machines and "Big Game" overload

- With all of the crime shows on TV - CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, CSI: Topeka, CSI: Bismarck, CSI: Myrtle Beach - forensics and DNA evidence are a well-known part of the legal system now. Hundreds of convicted criminals, some even on death row, have been exonerated and freed from prison thanks to just this kind of evidence. So let’s say you do have your conviction overturned and are given a second chance at freedom and to restart your life? Well, if you’re Rudolph Holton of Tampa, Florida, a reprieved murderer back who was freed from death row in 2003 by DNA evidence, you violently choke your wife and get sent back to the hole for 20 years. Ol’ Rudy apparently wasn’t able to shake his old life, which included 11 (yes, 11) felony convictions. Escaping the electric chair wasn’t enough to motivate him to change, and so he finds himself back in a very familiar place.

- Imagine the following depressing, disheartening scene: hundreds of senior citizens waiting outside on a cold, rainy, foggy, overcast day just for the chance to throw away their meager income from pensions and social security at newly opened slot machines in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. What better advertisement for those, like some factions in Ohio, who advocate legalizing slots and other forms of gambling, than to have scores of elderly people on fixed incomes throwing away their money hoping to see cherry, cherry, cherry, or banana, banana, banana line up on the slot in front of them? Will gambling honks also be there to buy groceries and medication for those same elderly people when

- Your 2006 Managers of the Year for Major League Baseball, Jim Leyland (AL) and Joe Girardi (NL), were announced today. No real beef with Leyland, he did an amazing job in helping to turn the Tigers around from a laughingstock to a World Series team. The surly, chain smoking, take-no-nonsense demeanor make him an interesting character, and although I can't say as I’d ever want to play for a crotchety old man like that, Leyland deserved the award. Minnesota’s Ron Gardenhire deserved some consideration, seeing as his team did beat Leyland’s squad for the AL Central title, but the award went to the right guy. In the NL, however, I hafta take issue with Girardi. Managing a team chock full of rookies and inexperience guys is tough, especially when your entire payroll is less than what A-Rod makes for a season. But the Marlins ended up with a 78-84 record and didn’t make the playoffs. This isn't a “good job with a bunch of young players, almost had a .500 record” award, it’s Manager of the Year. Not too much to ask that it goes to a guy whose team won more than half of its games and maybe even made the playoffs. Good managing job by Joe, but the real winner of the award is Willie Randolph, who piloted the Mets to 97 wins and a division title.

- My “Tasered Pro Athlete” tally board is running out of space. Houston Texans offensive lineman Fred Weary is the latest bonehead to be tased, and predictably, it happened during the course of a routine traffic stop. Why do so many bad things happen during “routine traffic stops”? Pro athletes tend to have a sense of entitlement, sure, because they’ve been catered to since they were in high school to some extent, and so they think they’re above the law and can get away with whatever they want. But a cautionary note to all knucklehead pro ballers out there: if the cops pull you over, do what they ask. Especially if it’s a routine traffic stop, you need to follow their instructions. Things will go much more smoothly if you do what they say instead of mouthing off and resisting arrest. That’s the charge Weary may be facing, resisting arrest. So let’s review: instead of complying with the officer and getting maybe a $100 ticket, you instead got tased, arrested and you get to go to court and face charges of resisting arrest. Great judgment, Fred, I’m sure Mensa will be mailing your application to you any time.

- Today is two-for-one day in the world of idiots in pro sports……..Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen is looking to make a plea deal in the case against him for driving nude and drunk. Yes, nude and drunk, what are the odds that someone would get all liquored up and do something dumb, like driving drunk and going through a restaurant drive thru? The incident happened a couple months ago, and yesterday a judge said he would accept the plea deal if Cullen successfully completes a treatment program. Hmmm, didn’t know they had Nude Drivers Anonymous meetings. Is there a 12-step process for that one as well? Do you have to go through baby steps, such as learning to drive first in socks and underwear, then build up to a shirt, pants and shoes? For the sake of all motorists and citizens in the Detroit metro area, he’s hoping Cullen does kick his drinking habit and makes sure he is fully clothed when behind the wheel.

- How bizarre is it to continue hearing songs and see videos from artists who have passed away? Literally, I think Tupac has put out more albums since his death than he did while alive. Kurt Cobain’s music has also continued post-mortem, but the most recent example is Johnny Cash. Not knocking the “Man in Black”, he is definitely a landmark artist in music history; I even dig his most recently released single “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” and the video, featuring scores of celebrities and musicians, too many to name, although Jay-Z and Bono make appearances. But isn't it creepy to hear a “new” song from someone who is no longer with us? I understand if the person is working on an album at the time of their death and so you decide to see it through for them, but how about we drop a moratorium on doing that same thing well after they’re gone? Maybe a six-month of one-year time cap on that. Otherwise it looks suspiciously like their surviving loved ones are trying to make a last buck or two off of the deceased artist’s name and reputation.

- I’ve made a point of avoiding Ohio State-Michigan game news because I don’t enjoy over-the-top, suffocating, gratuitous coverage of sporting events, but you literally can't get away from it. That said, I’ll keep this as brief as possible: ESPN’s broadcast crew for last night’s Ball State-Toledo game should be ashamed of themselves. Here are two Mid-American Conference teams with a rare shot to play on national television, and the morons broadcasting the game use every spare second, sometimes even ignoring the action on the field, to throw up OSU-Michigan graphics, talk about the big game and even show video footage from a sporting goods store in the Toledo area that sells both OSU and Michigan swag. I literally stopped watching because I was about to vomit; I didn’t tune in to hear more about OSU-Michigan, I actually wanted to see and hear about MAC football, which was what you were supposedly showing. Next time, don’t insult my intelligence by purporting to air a MAC game and turning it into a three and a half hour love-fest for a totally different game that HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GAME YOU WERE SHOWING! ESPN, you suck and the broadcast team led by John Saunders and Chris Spielman, as well as the producers for the telecast, should be ashamed of themselves.

thoughts for tuesday

- If only it were this simple……Ohio State University is attempting to preemptively quell the looting, pillaging and rioting that will most definitely take place if the Buckeyes defeat archrival Michigan in Saturday’s blockbuster college football showdown. TV and radio spots airing this week urge fans to celebrate a potential victory “with class”, i.e without the rioting, burning of cars and couches and general mayhem that followed 2002’s big win over the Wolverines. To paraphrase Texas Tech basketball coach and noted philosophizer Robert Kennedy Knight, “If rioting and looting are inevitable, why not just sit back and enjoy them?” See, it’s a given that no matter how many cops you put on the streets and how many radio and TV spots you air, if the team wins, cars will be overturned and torched, couches will be set ablaze and thousands of underage kids will down massive quantities of alcohol. So go ahead, waste your money producing the ads and making announcements. I look forward to overhead helicopter footage of a burning Columbus at night, flames rising to the sky in celebration of a Buckeyes’ win.

- Speaking of Bob Knight………he’s on the hot seat nationally for popping one of his players, Michael Prince, on the chin to get his attention during a game. Like Rasheed Wallace and Ron Artest, Knight’s conduct is held to a different standard because of his history of violence and lack of self control, so this incident is more of a story than it would be with most any other coach. Having looked at the footage repeatedly, I think Knight was wrong for doing what he did, but it wasn’t an egregious error. I’d never send any member of my family, a friend or other person I cared about at all to play for a crackpot like Knight, but in this case, there’s not much to fuss about. He’s a time bomb for sure, a hothead and someone who needs to learn that getting pissed and acting violently isn't the answer, but this incident doesn’t even rank in the Top 5 on his all-time list of wrongs.

- Four more days for someone to kidnap Katie Holmes and help her avert the biggest mistake of her life. That, of course, would be marrying Scientology honk and noted psychopath Tom Cruise. Their wedding is set to take place in Italy on Saturday, and I for one am concerned for Katie’s well being. I know, she is already tied to Tom for life because they have a kid together, but that’s no reason to compound the mistake by legally binding yourself to this diminutive head case. Heck, already Tom’s Scientology pals have to review and approve any movie script sent to Holmes, so what makes her think he’s going to be any less controlling once they’re married. This doesn’t even take into account the money they’re going to have to spend on weekly couch cleanings after Tom jumps up and down on their furniture a la his Oprah meltdown. Just because Tommy has kept out of the public eye lately in terms of not having any public acts of lunacy doesn’t mean he’s sane or fit to marry. Run, Katie, run, while you still have a chance.

- Perusing a picture collection of members of the new Iraq Advisory Panel to the President, we shockingly find………..a lot of old white dudes. Stunner. Eight old white guys, an old white woman and an old black man comprise the advisory group. Why is it not at all stunning that such a uniform, diversity-lacking group (in terms of age, gender and race) was picked? How can a group that so accurately represents the composition of our country and its many diverse view points not provide great insight and ideas on this war and how to end it? Was there some sort of minimum buy-in, like in a no-limits poker game? Did you have to have a net worth of at least $1 million to serve? Does the group go to Brooks Brothers to pick out suits for their meetings at the country club of choice? Do they take their afternoon naps together before heading over to the early bird special at Morton’s Steakhouse? Clearly, this panel is going to be just the answer we need in solving the problems in Iraq.

- Indie rock plug of the week: The Hold Steady and the Thermals are two groups you may not have heard of but who merit your attention if you like good indie rock or just alternative music in general. Finding them on the air on a radio station in your area might be difficult, unless you happen to have an especially good alt station in your area. Sirius Radio’s Left of Center channel is a better place to look, or maybe bump on over to Amazon and listen to some sample clips. Both groups have released albums recently, with The Hold Steady (and their album Boys and Girls in America) best compared to TV on the Radio and The Decemberists, and the Thermals (with their album Body, the blood, the machine) akin to M. Ward and Yo La Tengo. Chips Ahoy! is a favorite track off of The Hold Steady disc, a good song with a funny (and oh so yummy) name. The Thermals’ album is packed with good listens, and you’ll enjoy it much more than if you waste your money on some over-synthesized crap from Shiny Toy Guns or The Killers.

- I’ve said it so many times that it’s becoming redundant, but since it keeps coming up: auto racing is NOT cool, and even if Jay-Z puts NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Indy Car driver Danica Patrick in his music video, auto racing is still not going to be cool. Until it involves actual athletic ability and isn't something millions of Americans do, including elderly people and those with IQ’s of 50 and under, every day en masse and until NASCAR mixes in some right turns, auto racing will continue to suck and to not be a sport. Even the Midas touch of Jay-Z, rap star, business mogul and entertainer can't help this faltering excuse for rednecks to congregate each weekend and hang out around their RV’s and mobile homes.

- Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for FOX to handle Prison Break like they are. Not that I don’t love a nearly uninterrupted season, but shouldn’t you extend it out past, say, 13 episodes and have it end in November? Eight and a half months’ time elapsed between a prematurely ended season and the start of a new one is just too long, even for a show as good as this one. And why not give a full-season, 22-episode commitment to one of your best and most popular shows? Maybe I’m missing something here.

- The bidding war for the rights to negotiate with Japanese baseball sensation Daisuke Matsuzaka is absolutely absurd. Major League teams are bidding not to sign Matsuzaka, but for the right to negotiate with him! Furthermore, the top bid has come from the Boston Red Sox, who are willing to pay $42 million to Matsuzaka’s Japanese team for the privilege of negotiating with the star pitcher and thus pay even more millions to Matsuzaka himself. I don’t care who you are, even if you’re one of baseball’s richest teams, paying that much money just to be able to negotiate with a player is ludicrous and not worth it by any stretch of the imagination.