Monday, February 29, 2016

Learning not to be a narc, Adele rejects a rapper and Riot Watch! Myanmar


- Give Real Madrid superstar Cristiano Ronaldo credit for being humble and accepting the criticism that comes with being one of the world’s best players in his sport. Ronaldo, the Portuguese star who has tallied all sorts of scoring records playing for one of the biggest clubs in the world, was pressed on what his squad’s problems are following a 1-0 derby defeat at home to Atletico Madrid. Losing to an intra-city rival at home was embarrassing enough as Antoine Griezmann's second-half goal decided the game at the Estadio Santiago Bernabeu, but Ronaldo missed two clear scoring chances that could have won the game. Add on the fact that he has just two goals in the 10 derbies since the 2014 Champions League final and none in his past five meetings against Atletico and things were bound to get ugly in the postgame interview session. Ronaldo had to know that and he either didn’t care or was intent on throwing his teammates under the bus before backing the bus up over their limp bodies and trucking them a second time.  "It annoys me that they say that Cristiano has dropped his level, and that is why Madrid have dropped their level," he said. "If they were all at my level we would be first. You always ask me these crappy questions -- it seems that here in Spain, I am in the sh*t. The numbers do not lie, statistics never trick you, it is easy." Very classy, C. If all of my teammates were as great as me, we’d be in first place. Real Madrid has struggled this season with bigger names like Gareth Bale and Karim Benzema unavailable, but it’s those times when stars are supposed to step up and be even better. If they can’t, they’re at least supposed to take the resulting heat without looking to scapegoat someone else for the team’s troubles………


- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Don’t sleep on the rage-ability of nationalist Buddhist monks in Myanmar just because you have an erroneous image of nationalist Buddhist monks in Myanmar being tranquil, peaceful dudes who just want to wear bitchin’ robes and practice the arts of silence and meditation. Anyone who doubts these bold souls’ commitment to their cause and their country need look no further than a weekend uprising in which hundreds of mad-as-hell monks and their supporters rallied in support of retaining a constitutional clause barring Aung San Suu Kyi, the leader of the country's recently elected ruling party, from becoming head of state. Suu Kyi has gained international acclaim for her bravery in the face of years of unjust house arrest after being elected to office and actually trying to take her elected position and recently was freed. However, she is barred from becoming president because the military-dictated constitution bars anyone whose immediate family members are foreign nationals from holding the office. Her two sons are British, as was her late husband, so she’ll have to settle her National League for Democracy party taking over government in March after winning November's election. That isn't sitting well with the Buddhist nationalist group Ma Ba Tha, which is believed to have organized this weekend’s get together. The country’s government, military and various opposition groups are pretty much constantly at war with one another, so the only question at any given moment is who’s fighting whom……..


- Give Macklemore credit for not trying to hide an embarrassing experience from his career. The oft-mocked rapper and his recording partner in crime Ryan Lewis just dropped their new album “This Unruly Mess I’ve Made” and it features collaborations with big names such as Chance The Rapper, Idris Elba, Ed Sheeran and Leon Bridges, all of whom are talented artists capable of bringing serious clout to a project. Yet it seems that the biggest name of all that could have been tied to the album is instead the one who got away. That would be über-talented British songstress Adele, whom Macklemore asked to do a guest spot on the song “Growing Up,” only to have her “respectfully decline” the offer. The rapper admitted that he approached the multiple-Brit-Award winner to appear on the song the track, but that she politely passed. The gig went instead to Sheeran, who clearly does not have Adele’s pipes or clout, but did a capable job with the assignment. It would have been easy to pretend that the rejection never happened and hope the news never leaked, but Macklemore elected to own it. “I’m sure that there were times that we never heard back from somebody’s manager or something like that,” he said, seemingly giving Adele credit for being kind enough to at least give him an answer. It would have been an unsual combination and probably would have resulted in a better final product, but when you’re Adele and everyone would love to work with you, clearly you’re going to have to say no to a few people………


- Today’s lesson for the kids: Don’t be a narc. It’s a lesson an unidentified  8-year-old in Windsor, Vermont should have known before now, but clearly understands based on a colossal mistake he made last week. This too-much-truth teller probably thought he was being helpful when he shared a story about helping a farmer grow "special medicine" plants at his home, but his tale turned what may well have been a thriving enterprise into a police raid and a major marijuana bust. According to Windsor Police Department detective Jennifer Frank, the student told school officials and police that he got to help his mother's boyfriend grow "special medicine that can cure anything at all.” That sounds like a pretty great boyfriend and better still, the boy told Frank that all sorts of visitors made frequent appearances at the house, giving this child a chance to expand his social circle and work on his social skills. Sadly, this ungrateful brat ended up narcing out Steven Mann, the aforementioned boyfriend of his mother, and Mann was hauled into a White River Junction courtroom where he pleaded not guilty to a felony count of cultivating more than 25 marijuana plants. When officers showed up at the home, they allegedly found two grow rooms next to the child's bedroom, yet they dubbed the contents illegal drug material instead of special medicine that could cure anything, which is one of the least creative ways ever to lie to a child about what ganja actually is. Here’s hoping that dear old mom has a chance to sit down wit this scrappy youngster and explain to him that when you’re growing thousands of dollars in special medicine plants in your home, that’s the sort of thing you do not, under any circumstances, share with anyone at all, let alone your teacher. Next time, the person the boy narcs out might react in a decidedly less favorable way……..

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Pizza guy = rock band hero, Riot Watch! Poland and gambling for a trip to space


- Every casino needs a hook to draw degenerate gamblers in the door. Complimentary drinks and giveaways are fine, but they’re so common that they’ve all but lost their ability to set one gaming establishment apart from another. The powers that be at Maryland Live Casino are right in the middle of the fight to wrangle dollars from the hands of gambling junkies intent on ruining their lives in the name of a quick buck and for once, they have actually come up with an idea that is unique and original. Simply put, the casino is offering patrons a chance to win a trip to space. “To do something actually off this planet is something nobody really has even fathomed,” said casino spokesman Mario Maesano. The casino will actually be sending four people to space and in order to make that happen, the casino is paying close to $300,000 per traveler. Those wishing to win a ride to the great beyond must enroll in the casino’s Live! Rewards program and use their membership card each time they play at the casino for the entire month of March. Those who do will automatically be entered in a drawing for one of the four space travel spots. The casino has even managed to throw a big enough appearance fee at astronaut Buzz Aldrin to convince the iconic space traveler to come to the casino and glad-hand those who would follow in his footsteps. Drawings will be held each of the four Saturday’s in March and in a harsh stipulation, winners must be present in order to claim their prize. The space voyages will begin next year and in the meantime, a whole lot of people will lose a whole lot of money at the casino trying to win this contest………..


- One of the unspoken truths of NCAA Division I athletics is that the weekly time limits placed on what coaches can demand of their athletes are more suggestion than hard-and-fast rule that is never, ever violated. The notion that football players at powerhouse programs like Alabama, Ohio State and Oregon only spend 20 hours a week practicing and working out is laughable and knowing this, the NCAA Division I council and the Division I student-athlete advisory committee want firsthand information about what the hell is happening on campuses across America. The two group distributed a survey last week to all 346 Division I schools, asking athletes in every sport to provide feedback. Results are due in three weeks and will be relayed to the Division I council, which will meet in April. In order to ensure that coaches don’t, um, unduly influence the results, the survey is being conducted online and not being administered by coaches. Respondents are being asked to complete sections on in-season countable athletic-related activities (CARA), out-of-season time demands and travel. According to Northwestern athletic director Jim Phillips, chair of the council, the body will introduce a significant legislative package regarding time demands by September. That will be followed by months of review and a proposed policy going to a vote at the NCAA convention in January. Passing new rules will obviously be the easy part of the equation, while actually enforcing them will be significantly tougher……….


- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Poland is peaking on anti-establishment rage right now and if you need evidence, look no further than thousands of Poles chanting, “We will defend democracy!" and "Lech Walesa!" during a massive uprising in Warsaw to protest moves by Poland's three-month old conservative government which they say undermine freedoms and constitutional norms. The Committee for the Defense of Democracy, which was formed in November in reaction to moves by the ruling Law and Justice party, spearheaded the gathering in a continuation of its opposition to policies that have essentially paralyzed the Constitutional Tribunal. While this particular gathering was sadly lacking in violence and confrontation, many Poles carried posters showing support for Walesa, the former Solidarity leader and ex-president who has been recently faced accusations of being a communist-era secret police informer. Walesa’s supporters accuse the ruling party of trying to destroy his reputation for political gain and personal revenge, which is such a reach because Eastern European political leaders and government officials have long been known for their honesty, integrity and impeccable character when it comes to how they conduct their business. Just because Walesa is a longtime foe of Law and Justice leader Jaroslaw Kaczynski doesn’t mean Kaczynski  and his sycophants would attack Walesa and attempt to undo much of his impact on the country. Oh wait, yes it does……….


- When a rock band truly makes it, they gain access to a world of luxurious tour buses, posh hotels and backstage pampering at shows. British indie rockers Foals do not seem to have hit that mark just yet, as evidenced by their quirky adventure en route to last week’s Brit Awards ceremony. The band were nominated for Best British Group alongside Blur, One Direction, Years & Years and eventual winners Coldplay and seeing as they were up for a major award, they kind of needed to be in attendance at the event. Getting there, it turned out, wasn’t as simple as it should have been. "On the way to the Brits the other day our cab took us the wrong way and we were stranded North of the river in gridlock traffic,” drummer Jack Bevan posted on Twitter. With the seconds ticking away and their chances to get to their seats alongside Chris Martin and Co. seemingly about to go up in smoke, Foals needed someone to step up, clutch up and help them find their way to the venue. Enter someone who most of us take for granted and even crack jokes about on a daily basis: a pizza delivery driver. "Unexpectedly, a total hero picked us up and drove us all the way to the ceremony,” Bevan wrote in another tweet. “I didn't remember his name as I ran off but he owns TGF pizza in Eltham, SE9. So yeah, if his pizzas are as good as his getaway driving, I would definitely recommend." Not remembering the guy’s name who saved your night is a bit insensitive, but here’s hoping Bevan’s kind words send plenty of business this guy’s way. Maybe some customer got their pie a bit later than expected, but the pizza guy should more than be able to make up for it with the boost to his business from a world-famous rock band giving him props on Twitter……..

Saturday, February 27, 2016

French migrant cajoling, professional boxers at the Olympics and naked protests of baby boutiques


- The Marvel universe, much like the one in which we all live, is constantly expanding. The key difference is that being a part of the Marvel universe typically pays much better and that makes it good news for “Game of Thrones” actor Finn Jones that he has reportedly signed up to appear as Marvel's Iron Fist in an upcoming series. “Thrones” fans know that Jones plays Ser Loras in the HBO series based on George R.R. Martin's books and he’s reportedly locked up to tackle the role of Iron Fist (a.k.a. Danny Rand), a role in which he will appear alongside fellow Marvel characters Dardevil, Jessica Jones and Luke Cage in a future “Defenders” miniseries. Rand’s back story is that he endured a family tragedy before training to become a martial arts expert, giving him the requisite tortured past required for a movie hero to rise to power. In “Heroes for Hire,” Luke Cage is his partner and Marvel is spinning these characters off in rapid-fire fashion as  Cage made his Marvel debut in Netflix's “Jessica Jones” and will get his own standalone series later this year. In other words, if you’re a Marvel character of any repute and you haven't yet locked down a starring role in a miniseries, series or movie of your own, it might be time to start asking some serious questions about just how much Marvel likes you and believes in the viability of your character in the long term……….


- Pretentious, overpriced children’s clothing stores, er, boutiques can be infuriating. They’re so arrogant, acting as if dressing your baby in designer threads and surrounding them with trendy decorations makes one damn bit of difference in the kid’s life. Hammond (La.) resident Elizabeth Ferger knows this and knows it well, so everyone needs to lay off her just because she (allegedly) jumped up and down naked on top of her car while screaming obscenities in the parking lot of a children's store. Sure, seeing a woman who has lived more than half a century on this Earth acting like an insane, mentally unstable person and/or someone under the influence of some pretty badass drugs can be jarring, but just because police say Ferger walked into the children's clothing boutique Oh Baby wearing nothing but a blanket tied around her, began shouting obscenities and proceeded to trash the store is no reason to get all judgmental. Her naked car jumping came after she left the store and on the positive side, trashing your own property is decidedly less criminal than destroying someone else’s, so props on that one. Sadly, not everyone understands this possible raging against the obscene prices and snooty nature of baby boutiques and so Ferger now faces charges of obscenity, aggravated criminal damage to property, disturbing the peace with offensive words and simple battery. The sad truth is that most people fail to see a great revolution when it’s in its early stages, but maybe some day, the world will recognize Ferger’s mad genius………


- As one of the sports that won't have to worry about its competitors being sent to the nearest medical facility on account of Brazil’s toxic, feces-clogged waters full of sewage and filth, boxing has a certain appeal within the 2016 Summer Olympics. That appeal just went up for some of the sport’s biggest names now that they are eligible to compete in this summer's Olympics under radical new proposals being pushed through by the sport's world governing body, AIBA. President Dr. Ching-Kuo Wu believes the final few barriers preventing fulltime professionals competing in the Games are set to be abolished within a matter of months and that could throw the door open to everyone from Floyd Mayweather - who could hit up Rio in search of the Olympic gold medal he felt he was unfairly denied in Atlanta in 1996 - to Wladimir Klitschko to compete for glory in Brazil. "We want the best boxers to come to the Olympic Games. It is AIBA's 70th birthday, and we want something to change -- not after four years, but now,” Wu said. "It is an IOC policy to have the best athletes in the Games, and of the international federations, AIBA is probably the only one without professional athletes in the Olympics.” That’s probably an exaggeration, but professionals have been tearing it up for two decades in Olympic basketball and doing the same for boxing sounds perfectly fine. Yes,  the qualifying process for Rio is well underway and proposals from the AIBA Commissions meeting must subsequently be ratified by AIBA's executive commission, but the governing body intends to change the rules in time to give each individual national federation the opportunity to select whomever they want in time for the Olympics. Given boxing’s declining profile in the sports world, anything to boost its image in the Games is a solid choice………


- Can the French actually be bullies? They can if you’re talking about residents in a sprawling migrant camp in the port city of Calais. These international interlopers received a rather rude visit this week from French state representatives who went from tent to tent to convince the migrants to get the hell out. The visit came one day after a court ruled that a mass eviction could go ahead and clearly, the powers that be would like their foreign visitors to leave of their own accord. Authorities in the case sought a ruling allowing them to raze the camp, where thousands of migrants from the world's trouble spots have gathered to try to sneak across the English Channel to Britain via ferry or a Eurotunnel rail service, but the court wasn’t willing to go that far. Its decision fell short of allowing a complete destruction of buildings at the site, concluding that the makeshift shelters where migrants sleep can be demolished. However, common spaces like places of worship, schools and a library that have sprung up must stand. The camp has been dubbed “The Jungle” and with the international scrutiny focused on the property, officials have taken a cautious approach by using persuasion instead of force to dislodge the migrants. That could take weeks and in the meantime, French authorities have offered to relocate those uprooted by the eviction order in the southern portion of the makeshift camp, either in heated containers installed last month nearby or at centers around France where they may choose to apply for asylum. According to Interior Minister Bernard Cazeneuve, 2,700 migrants along the northern French coast have been sent to centers since October. However, only a handful of people were seen climbing into one of two buses at midday as the requests to leave were being made. "We try to tell them that they are free ... to make their own decisions," said Nathalie Seys of the Social Services Department, part of a team combing the camp, "and that, unlike what we are hearing, they will not be prisoners." And why wouldn’t they believe every word you’re telling them, eh France……….

Friday, February 26, 2016

The Boss disses Cleveland, spring break gets canceled and Germany declares war on coffee pods


- Caffeine addicts, you have a fight on your hands in Deutschland. Germany is going to war against environmentally unfriendly coffee pods and while the country tends to fare poorly in wars, the city of Hamburg is determined to win this fight. Hamburg has banned coffee pods from government-run buildings as part of a push to become more environmentally friendly. In announcing the decision, city officials said they will no longer spend taxpayer money on products that don't meet Hamburg’s high sustainability standards. Coffee capsules such as those sold by the Nestle, Keurig and other brands are in the crosshairs for the city and are specifically mentioned in the city's new guidelines on account of creating unnecessary waste and containing aluminum. A spokesman for the city claimed the pods contain 3 grams of waste for every 6 grams of coffee and while those numbers might seem like an acceptable tradeoff for the caffeine junkies, it’s not all right with Hamburg’s leaders. Coffee pods are just one item affected by the new rules, which also include plastic cutlery and plates, water, beer, and soft drinks in disposable packaging, as well as certain cleaning products and even wall paints. "The city can help ensure that environmentally harmful products are purchased less frequently and that sustainable products achieve even greater acceptance in the market. Our objective is to increase the share of environmentally friendly products significantly in order to help combat climate change," said Hamburg senator Jens Kerstan. Keurig has promised to make all K-Cups recyclable by 2020, but that’s not going to do much to keep its pods in the hands of civil servants for the next few years………


- No longer will second base be the site of high-impact games of wipeout in Major League Baseball…. or at least that’s the plan. MLB and the players' union have banned rolling block slides to break up potential double plays, a move spurred on by plays like the takeout by the Los Angeles Dodgers' Chase Utley that broke a leg of New York Mets shortstop Ruben Tejada in last year's playoffs. That was the most visible example of a trend that has grown in baseball over the years, with runners clearly going out of their way to make contact with a second baseman or shortstop trying to jump over them and throw to first base to complete a double play. A rules change announced this week dictates that a runner must make a "bona fide slide," defined as making contact with the ground ahead of the base, being in position to reach the base with a hand or foot and to remain on it, and sliding within reach of the base without changing his path to initiate contact with a fielder. Should the runner fail to do so, an umpire can call both the runner and batter out. Utley, still living in a state of outright denial,  said he didn't think the play in which Tejada was injured was the singular catalyst for change. "From my understanding, I think we have been trying to work on this for a few years now, trying to get on the same page, and now obviously we are," Utley said. "I don't think that one instance really determined anything.” Yes, but your play was the tipping point that finally pushed this over the top and for that, you should stand up and take credit, bro………


- Duuuuuude, this is totally bogus. Part of the reason you go to college is because you want to enjoy every last party possible and there is no place where the party kicks more ass on a nightly basis than spring break. Whether it’s Florida, Texas, Hawaii, South Carolina or elsewhere, bros and ladies from schools all over the country flock to places with warm weather and beautiful beaches so they can walk around in their bathing suits 24/7, drink copious amounts of alcohol all day long and hook up with total strangers they won't ever see again. That makes it decidedly d-baggish that Chicago State University plans to cancel spring break in the name of staying afloat financially. The school isn't axing spring break in the name of student safety or being a wet blanket for the beer bong lovers on campus, but rather to accelerate the end of the semester before the school runs out of cash. Yes, much like the stoner sophomore who blew through all the money his parents sent him halfway through the semester and is now wearing the same clothes for weeks on end because he’s out of coins to do laundry and stealing other people’s food out of their shared dorm room mini fridge, CSU is staring down a growing budget crisis and now intends to end the semester on April 30, instead of May 15. Finals will take place the final week of April and if there’s enough money to keep the lights on for graduation, the ceremony  will take place on April 28. University president Thomas Calhoun Jr. wrote in a memo to the university community that budget issues at the state level are to blame and said the school “cannot spend what we do not have and so we obviously have to be in cost cutting mode in order to extend what we have in the absence of a state allocation.” That means cancel those spring break plans from March 14-19 and hopefully that deposit you put down on the fleabag motel in Panama City Beach for the week is refundable………


- It’s happened to every legit rock star at some point, so Bruce Springsteen need not feel bad. The Boss was playing a gig in Cleveland earlier this week when he pulled out the patented, go-to pander-to-the crowd tactic of shouting out the name of the town in which he was performing. “Party noises, Pittsburgh!” he exclaimed, only to have it dawn on him seconds later that he was not in Pittsburgh, but rather a city that hates Pittsburgh down deep in its soul. When he realized his error, Springsteen shouted, "And Cleveland, too!" Given who he is and that well into his 50s he remains a rock and roll iron man who plays shows in excess of two hours on a nightly basis, the crowd elected not to tar and feather him and according to reports from the show, Springsteen made up for the mistake later in the night by taking a selfie while crowdsurfing. It’s also worth noting that bands such as The Rolling Stones, Guns ‘N Roses and virtually every other artist worth a damn has at some point misidentified the city in which they were performing, so for a guy who is known for literally criss-crossing the entire globe and putting on epic shows for millions whether they speak his native tongue or not, this is hardly a memorably bad moment. Besides, no one had to clue him in on his mistake, he self-corrected and went on with the show. Artists like Springsteen zip from city to city, often playing back-to-back nights and seeing little of their temporary home beyond a hotel room, the inside of their tour bus and the bowels of the arena where they’re performing that night. It has to be easy to lose track of where you are from time to time, even if fans paying $100 or more a ticket probably don’t enjoy you calling them by the name of a city they despise with every fiber of their being. Still, the show was by all accounts a good one and The Boss left his loyal (and aged-out) fans happy with all of his usual favorites, so let’s just chalk this up to road fatigue and keep moving……..

Thursday, February 25, 2016

The New York Knicks circus, beer spas in Oregon and Zimbabwe grows a potential conscience


- Who needs the death penalty when your leader is a soulless despot who will imprison and murder those who oppose him as if he were fining them for jaywalking? Zimbabwe is a place ruled to the dictatorial Robert Mugabe, a man creeping up on one century on this planet and without a single moment lived with humility, decency or basic human kindness. Yet there was Vice President Emmerson Mnangagwa, who is also the justice minister, speaking at an international meeting of justice ministers in Rome and telling everyone that his country will consider scrapping capital punishment. Mnangagwa called it "a flagrant violation of the right to life and dignity” and if any living man can speak to that topic, it’s Mnangagwa, who was sentenced to death during Zimbabwe's colonial era, only avoiding it because he was too young at the time. The issue is at the forefront now because last month, a group of death row inmates approached Zimbabwe's Constitutional Court bid to have their sentences commuted to life imprisonment. In a country of 13 million, there are nearly 100 death row inmates even though its constitution says the death penalty only applies to men between the ages 21 and 70 convicted of "murder committed in aggravating circumstances." That seems blatantly unfair and discriminatory, but Zimbabwe has never been known for its judicial fairness or equity, so worrying about the problem now when safety, security and peace remain wholly elusive concepts does seem a bit out of place………


- When you think of over-the-top, massive-budget movies that are orgies of special effects and excess, it’s hard not to think of director Guillermo Del Toro. He’s helmed “Blade 2,” “Hellboy” and “Pacific Rim” and therefore, he’s the obvious choice to pen the sequel for “Pacific Rim 2,” which is due out April 2017. Charlie Hunnam - who starred in Del Toro's “Crimson Peak” - is expected to reprise his role from “Pacific Rim” as Raleigh Beckett and word on the street is that “Hellboy” star Ron Pearlman is returning as Hannibal Chau.  "I'm going for very new, very crazy ideas on the second one,” Del Toro said of his new project. “It's very different, but you will get a really great spectacle.” Maybe this is all in search of a blockbuster trilogy after Del Toro pulled out of Peter Jackson’s “The Hobbit” trilogy, which he bailed on following years of preparation amidst internal problems at MGM. The original “Pacific Rim” dropped in 2013 and made much of its $411 in income worldwide due to its 3D and IMAX-3D showings as sci-fi fans rallied around the idea of a story set in the 2020’s when Earth is at war with the Kaijus, colossal monsters which have emerged from an interdimensional portal on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Humanity fought back by creative massive machines to battle the beasts and one would have to imagine that all manner of mechanized and mutated weirdness will be a part of the sequel as well. Del Toro doesn’t do anything sensibly or quietly, so over the top is the perfect way to describe this project before the script is even finished and submitted………..


- Americans are all about finding new ways to enjoy beer. If there is a way to drink it, use it in their food or make their party better, then they will find it. But that makes it all the more curious that the country is just now getting its first beer spa. It comes from central Oregon, where something called Hop in the Spa is now open for business. The Sisters, Oregon-based business offers patrons the chance soak in a “proprietary blend of beer, hops, barley and some herbs," according to its owners. Owner Sally Champa claims that sitting in a tub of beer helps with relaxation and insomnia, based on hops' medicinal qualities in getting rid of pain and aches. The idea for the spa came when one of Champa’s friends and the spa’s chief "hoptimisitc" officer got into a car accident. Mike Boyle’s car rolled over several times, causing serious damage to his body, and he went to Champa for a massage. Having experienced a beer spa in Europe, he knew about the concept and despite not being a beer drinker himself, he was open to the idea.  "One day we talked about this, and it just happened that I said, 'Let’s hop into the spa business,'" Boyle said. "I didn't drink beer until three months ago.” According to this duo, business has built quickly and they’re doing well enough to plan a beer garden and beer-infused coffee to expand their business. However, anyone patronizing this spa should know that - according to Champa - soaking in a spa tub full of beer will not get a person drunk. The idea of immersing oneself in beer when the prospect of getting a few ounces spilled on you at a bar is a reason to cave someone’s face in remains weird, but if people are will to pay for the privilege, then keep charging them for it………


- Much has changed for the New York Knicks this season - just not anything that really matters. They’ve raised their expectations, tinkered with their roster and even changed coaches mid-season and the current result is losses in 12 of their last 14 games and a 0.1 percent chance of rallying from their current position as the third-worst team in the Eastern Conference into the playoffs. Their head coach is embroiled in a Twitter controversy in which he followed and liked a picture from a pornographic source, then claimed his account had been hacked, and now that interim coach is the one trying to diffuse comments made by the team’s star player. Carmelo Anthony isn't the only member of the Knicks to lash out in response to the recent losing streak, but after hearing his star player suggest that the team was in big trouble and said he worried that his teammates may have started to accept losing, Twitter porn liker/interim coach Kurt Rambis had to plug that hole in the damn. "We're all frustrated," Rambis said. "We can't accept this. For the organization, for our team, ourselves as individuals, the coaching staff. We can't accept losing. I want players to be angry. I want players to be frustrated. That's the right attitude to have." It’s an attitude reportedly shared by worst owner in the NBA owner/frontman for a crappy pop band James Dolan, who has watched his team go 2-12 in the last month  and 1-3 since Rambis took over for the fired Derek Fisher. "We're considering a lot of things; we'll see," Rambis said of how to fix what ails the Knicks. "We'll have some conversations with the coaching staff, management and players. We've got to find a way to play at a much higher level.” That’s fine to say, but Rambis’ stated goal of qualifying for the playoffs when his team is 6.5 games out of the playoffs and will have to leapfrog several much better teams to make the postseason and earn the honor of being swept in the first round makes everything he says sound insane by association………

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Government v. polygamists, "Taken" casts a new Liam Neeson and more college football criminals


- It feels like just yesterday we were all talking about a college football player with too much time and too little intelligence on his hands doing something criminal and getting himself kicked off his team. That’s probably because it was yesterday and yet, here we are having the exact same conversation one day later about a pair of ass hats/Kansas University football players who were arrested after allegedly robbing a fellow KU student a 2:25 a.m. Police responded to a report of a robbery outside Jayhawker Towers, where a man told officers that two men robbed him of his money. According to KU Public Safety's online activity logs, the thieves netted themselves a massive payday of…$40. Yes, a pair of Andrew Jackson’s was the extent of the haul. Who were these two amateur thieves roughing up drunk college bros on a weekend night? They would be KU  football players Eric Deon Rivers and Kendall Nyear Duckworth, who were arrested and booked into the Douglas County Jail. Head football coach David Beaty announced that Rivers “has been dismissed from the program for a violation of team rules,” a violation apparently consisting of not only this (alleged) crime, but also his being held on suspicion of sexual battery and criminal restraint, stemming from an alleged incident at Jayhawker Towers on the following day. This moron knew he’d (allegedly) committed one serious crime, so he (allegedly) decided to double down and sexually assault someone. Duckworth, accused only of robbery, has merely been suspended from all team activities. It’s going to be tough for a team that was outscored 553-183 last season and didn’t win a game to get worse, but credit to these two fools for doing what they could to make it happen………


- Of Estonia, cigarette smugglers, spies and communists. It’s just another day in Eastern Europe, where  a court in Estonia has sentenced three cigarette smugglers to prison for spying for Russia in a rare low-level espionage case. The state prosecutor's office announce that the trio of lung dart smugglers received sentences varying from 2 years to 4 years and 10 months "for crimes against the Republic of Estonia,” which sounds very vague and yet important at the same time. Their alleged improprieties included supplying observations to Russian security services on Estonia's defense forces, border and security operations, but what do you expect from people who make a living transporting and selling cancer sticks? As Estonia tells it, the men didn't have access to state secrets, but were recruited by Russia's domestic security agency FSB in an apparent deal where Russian officials would turn a blind eye to the men's criminal activities in exchange for information. Everyone likes to think of espionage in James Bond terms, with expensive suits, fancy parties and glamor, but no one ever dreams of trying to gain valuable state secrets about a rival nation by offering unwritten immunity to a bunch of bottom-rung lung dart smugglers who don’t even have access to the best information. Due to the nature of the case and the clandestine approach Estonia seems to take to justice, the trio’s sentences were delivered in closed-door trials between October last year and this month. Now that these menaces to state security are behind bars, the people of Estonia can feel truly safe……….


- Clive Standen has just inherited a very particular set of skills. He is the new Brian Mills, a.k.a. the former spy turned badass dad who anchored the “Taken” trilogy in which members of his family kept getting kidnapped by Albanian gangsters and he kept kicking ass and taking his loved ones back. The movie portion of the franchise may be dead, but NBC is giving it new life in the form of a prequel series explaining how Mills acquired what he described in the first film as, “A very particular set of skills…skills that make me a nightmare for someone like you.” Standen will take over the lead role from Neeson for the series, which was  ordered by NBC in September. The series will be helmed by French director Luc Besson, who directed the 2008 kidnap-themed first film and both sequels. In order to avoid trying to replace Neeson, the network has decided to go with the prequel premise by following Standen's younger version of the Bryan Mills character, showing how he learned his set of skills and became the gravel-voiced, sneaky-tough old dude who goes to Paris and takes down a human trafficking ring while saving his missing daughter. Standen isn't a big Hollywood name, but he has appeared in the Starz drama “Camelot” and feature films such as “Everest” and the forthcoming “Patient Zero.” In the prequel, he won't be married or have children. Oddly and anachronistically, the show will be set in the modern day – the same period as the original film trilogy, not in the past. It makes no sense at all, but then again, very little in the “Taken” world has ever been logical or made sense, so there isn't any need to start now……….


- Boy, you think you know the members of a polygamous cult and then something like this comes along and you realize you never really knew them at all. Hearing that several top leaders from Warren Jeffs' polygamous sect were arrested on federal accusations of food stamp fraud and money laundering is shocking because if there is one thing these people are good at, it’s adhering to laws and following rules as set forth by the government. According to prosecutors, the sect - based on the Utah-Arizona border - diverted funds from Utah's nutrition assistance program for inappropriate use by its leaders. Eleven polygamists were charged in the scheme, including Lyle Jeffs and Seth Jeffs, top-ranking leaders of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This is decidedly bad news for the Jeffs family, as cult leader and brother of Lyle and Seth, Warren Jeffs, s is serving a life sentence in Texas for sexually assaulting his 12- and 15-year-old child brides at a secretive church compound in that state. Lyle Jeffs’ arrest could pose some problems for the multiple wife-havers in the polygamous community of Hildale, where he runs the day-to-day operations. His brother Seth leads a branch of the group in South Dakota, so a whole lot of people in terrible places to live are mighty upset right now. "This indictment is not about religion. This indictment is about fraud," U.S. Attorney John Huber said in a statement. Whatever works, J.  Federal, state and local police served search warrants and made arrests Tuesday in Hildale, Salt Lake City and Custer County, South Dakota, raiding a dairy store, produce store and a contractor. Mix in a civil rights trial against the twin polygamous towns of Hildale and Colorado City, Arizona and it would certainly appear that these megalomaniacal cult leaders and their sycophantic followers are on the ropes and taking some serious body blows………

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame hack-down, college football spring arrest fun and NASA wants your macaroni art


- There are a lot of subpar musicians who will be a part of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony this year. The ceremony will take place at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn on April 8 and while its purpose is honoring people who have made massive contributions to rock and roll, past inductees from the worlds of disco and mainstream pop have diluted the integrity of the hall to the point that watered down is an understatement. This year, the problem goes beyond inducting hacks who may belong in some hall of fame somehere, just not the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Yes, elevator pop musicians Chicago will be inducted and they’re as rock and roll as My Little Pony snorting a pile of glitter, but the real hacks will be the ones giving speeches and inducting those chosen for membership in the hall. Exhibit A is Matchbox Twenty/20 lead hack, er, singer Rob Thomas, whose band once changed its name from Matchbox 20 to Matchbox Twenty because it was “edgier.” Thomas is clearly the biggest tool taking the stage, but former Limp Bizkit reject and track pants/wife beater-wearer Kid Rock is a close second. Yet on the horizon, there are reasons for optimism and they come in the form of Metallica's Lars Ulrich, The Black Keys and now, Kendrick Lamar. Lamar will induct hip-hop icons N.W.A. and having a Grammy-award winning rapper inducting one of the genre’s pioneers is spot on. Other inductees include Cheap Trick, Deep Purple and Steve Miller, who can only hope to balance out the hack-dom that will fill the room that night……..


- Greece is rarely a dull place. Riots over austerity measures being forced on the country in order to receive European Union financial bailouts and keep the economy afloat are regular reasons to riot and various immigrant-related issues never fail to create drama, but a little action hero theater can always make life more interesting. Say, does anyone know of a domestic militant anarchist group that could, say, attempt to hijack a helicopter for undetermined nefarious purposes? Yes? Great, let’s get started. Send in  a woman armed with a gun, a woman whom police believe is linked to said anarchist group. According to a police statement, the woman chartered the six-seater for a flight to central Greece, but in the air drew a gun and demanded to be flown toward Athens. The pilot proved that he has a little badass in him, wrestling the woman and getting her under control after she fired three shots, ultimately landing the craft in a rural area before the woman escaped on foot. The gun was tracked back to convicted Revolutionary Struggle terrorist Nikos Maziotis, who is held in Athens' maximum-security Korydallos prison, and hijacked helicopters have twice been used to break a jailed bank robber out of Korydallos, so let’s do a little anarchist math - why is there an Anarchist’s Cookbook and no Anrarchist’s Math Book, by the way? - and see if we can't deduce what this woman was up to. Greece's anti-terrorism squad is investigating the attempted hijacking and it’s not hard to imagine them arriving at the inevitable conclusion that someone was scheduled to make an unauthorized airborne exit from the prison……….


- If the ink on the police blotter is still wet and an SEC football star is no longer a member of his team, it must mean winter is over and spring is here. The early days of spring are when college football season is over, spring practice hasn’t yet started and therefore, players have too much free time on their hands when they’re not busy skipping class and perfecting their beer bong and pong skills. Today, it’s senior defensive end Jason Hatcher becoming a man without a team after the Kentucky Wildcats dismissed him from the team following his arrest early Monday on marijuana possession and speeding charges in Franklin County. Yes, this is a B-list dismissal from a second-tier SEC program, but a spring arrest for ganja possession is still a college football lstory at a time when they’re in scarce supply. According to the police report, a sheriff's deputy clocked Hatcher's Chevrolet going 81 mph in a 70 mph zone on eastbound Interstate 64 and pulled him over at 12:55 a.m. During that traffic stop just west of Frankfort, the deputy noticed a strong odor of marijuana and Hatcher went with the low-rent move of trying to conceal some of the drug in his pants. Everyone knows the committed stoner must try to swallow the chron and not just shove it into his boxers. Amazingly, the deputy wasn’t fooled and a subsequent search found a "large quantity" of marijuana in Hatcher's car. He and his 39 total tackles and 2.0 sacks now face charges of trafficking in less than five pounds of marijuana, tampering with evidence and speeding………


- NASA can't send human beings into space on its own any more, so why not send a fourth-grade art project instead? Big ups to the guys and gals who used to plan missions for the likes of Neil Armstrong and John Glenn for coming up with an idea to get creative, even if that creativity is in the form of glitter, glue, colored pencils and crayons. Yes, NASA is inviting the public to send art to an asteroid on its new spacecraft: the Origins, Spectral Interpretation, Resource Identification, Security-Regolith Explorer. Known to its friends as OSIRIS-REx for short, this  probe will be the first to collect a sample of asteroid and bring it back to Earth. It’s scheduled to launch in September and travel to the asteroid Bennu to collect about 2 ounces of materials from the space rock and bring them back to Earth in 2023. Yes, a seven-year round trip for 2 ounces of space junk from Bennu, formerly known as Asteroid 2012 DA14. The asteroid passed within 22,000 miles of Earth on February 15, 2013 and when an asteroid passes within less than a tenth of the distance to the moon to the Earth, it’s time to investigate. Bennu  has a 538-yard diameter and does a close fly-by on Earth every six years, leading scientists to predict that there is a high probability that it could hit Earth in 2182. That’s possibly relevant, albeit not for anyone currently living on Earth, but it still begs the question of why anyone would feel compelled to  send art to an asteroid that could one day crash into our planet? "The development of the spacecraft and instruments has been a hugely creative process, where ultimately the canvas is the machined metal and composites preparing for launch in September,” said Jason Dworkin, OSIRIS-REx project scientist at NASA. Oh, so this is a symbolic launching of art into the cosmos and not merely a cheesy government publicity stunt for a space agency whose budget is dwindling more by the day? Good deal, NASA powers that may be………

Monday, February 22, 2016

The Dallas Cowboys get it right, ISIS v. Unabomber Land and Shia LeBouf is a farce


- Zurich is not a place for poor people. Its streets are lined with expensive watch, clothing and accessory stores and when rich people are done browsing those pricy places, they can dine at fine restaurants where the poor can't afford the appetizers. Simply put, if you’re going to rob a jewelry shop anywhere in the world, hitting a Zurich store is a lucrative proposition. The three thieves who burglarized a shop in downtown Zurich knew what they were doing and that’s why they were able to get away with cash and jewelry worth well over 1 million Swiss francs ($1 million) as part of a daring daytime raid that has Swiss police searching for answers and uncertain about who their suspects may be. According to police, the men entered the jeweler's shop during lunchtime and threatened the two staff members who were present with a handgun, taking jewelry, precious stones and cash and then fleeing on foot. It’s a bold play from guys who could have set up their operation at night, when the store would be closed and they would have  to deal with a state-of-the-art security system rather than a couple of low-paid employees and so far, that play has paid of. According to the employees, two of the men spoke broken German, but they were unable to offer police a  description for the third suspect..........


- There’s just no point in paying attention to Shia LeBouf anymore unless you’re the sort of bizarre, kooky, experimental performance art type who thinks that you’re smarter than and treading higher paths than the rest of the world. LeBouf’s life has gone from subpar actor who lands major parts in terrible, big-budget movies that suck even more than expected to dude who goes around the world engaging in one giant publicity stunt after another all in the name of his craft. The latest lame-ass, creepy and borderline moronic LeBouf stunt came in the former of a 24-hour occupancy of an Oxford Union lift, during which the former mediocre actor stood in a lift with lots of students for an art project called #ELEVATE. Spending an entire day in an elevator is a nightmare for most people, but for LeBouf, it was a weird journey in which a student waited in line for several hours before approaching the centerpiece of the show with an unusual request. “I’m a performance artist. Can you help me with completion of my next piece by punching me in the face?” the student asked. Pretending that punching this pretentious idiot in the face wouldn’t be fun, LeBouf initially protest, but eventually agreed after other students encouraged him to let his hands fly. Then there was the über-creepy stunt in which some loser with way too many psychological issues to pin down had LeBouf try to figure out what part of the man’s man parts he was looking at when he took a gander into the guy’s pants, with the entire stunt sent out via Snapchat. Oh, and there was also a conversation with the friend of another student as that friend was in the hospital and got to hear about LeBouf’s love of hippopotamuses and the board game Hungry Hungry Hippos. All in all, a thrilling day with zero meaning whatsoever……….


- Ah, the jingoism is at full steam in middle-of-nowhere America. Ravali County, Montana sounds like a curious hybrid of ravioli and the Toyota RAV4 SUV, but it’s also a place where a letter drafted by Ravalli County commissioners opposing the resettlement of refugees to the Bitterroot or neighboring counties has inflamed the anti-Muslim tendencies of the masses. After the letter went public, some  500 people showed up to commission chambers, forcing the powers that be to move the meeting because folks were flowing out  into the hallway and down the stairs for their chance to explain why they didn’t want those evil terrorists - their generic label for anything remotely Muslim - in their town. The public hearing was moved to the Hamilton Middle School auditorium, but even its 250 seats were insufficient to gather the assembled masses and the meeting was moved once more, this time to the school gym. The letter drafted by commissioners said, “The threat of the Islamic state of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) and other terrorist groups is intensifying," adding that it is  the county's responsibility to protect the health safety and welfare of its citizens. Somehow, ISIS extremists are looking to move to bear country and do serious damage in the middle of nowhere, which then explains why the commissioners (allegedly) received a deluge of emails on the issue. They claimed the ratio was 50-1 against bringing in refugees. "It's not possible to adequately investigate the legitimacy of each claim of refugee status," commissioner Jeff Burrows said. One local went to a completely unrealistic place, citing the Paris terrorist attacks and claiming that all refugees who went to the French capital were vetted. A few dissenting voices did start and online petition - changing the world one unverifiable, meaningless digital signature at a time! -  to oppose the commission's efforts, but the loudest voices were the ones like the ass hat who claimed that Ravalli County would become a battlefield in which “ISIS will come after our women." Yes, a war for the ladies of heavily forested, civilization-free and forgotten corners of the 44th-most populated state in the U.S………..


- The Dallas Cowboys have made a lot of regrettable decisions in recent years. Having won two playoff games in their last 20 seasons, that makes sense, but even the most bumbling of franchises get it right occasionally. Releasing former Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was one of those wise calls and Randle rammed that point home emphatically over the weekend when he was arrested for the fifth time in 17 months. Randle is less than a quarter of a century into his time on this planet, but he’s well on his way to double-digit arrests after he was booked into the Sedgwick County (Kansas) Jail just after 8 a.m. on charges of aggravated battery, possession of hallucinogens/marijuana and criminal damage to property. Earlier this month, Randle was arrested on an outstanding warrant in Irving, Texas and his latest brush with the law came after he (allegedly) stopped at his ex-girlfriend's home around 3 a.m. local time. People inside the home turned him away and called police and Randle was stopped a short time later, at which point the outstanding warrant was discovered. Dallas broke Randle off in early November last year amidst rumors of a gambling problem. Less than a week later, the running back was suspended four games by the NFL under the league's personal conduct policy and at the time, he was already off the map dealing with unspecified personal issues the third-year player started the first six games last season, but his life and career came off the rails quickly. Last November, he was arrested and booked on suspicion of criminal threat, assault of a law enforcement officer, battery, disorderly conduct, criminal trespass, disorderly conduct and interference with a law enforcement officer after an altercation at a Kansas casino. Mix in his arrest in February 2015 in his hometown of Wichita, Kansas - although police declined to pursue charges against the running back after a domestic disturbance complaint - and him getting busted in October 2014 at a Dallas area mall when police said he tried to take a bottle of cologne and a pack of underwear from a department store and it’s hard to see Randle ever being a free man long enough to revive his football career……….

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Woody Allen goes Prime, Russia's weapons loan scam and smuggling Cubans (with MLB talent)


- Smuggling Cubans into the country is always a dicey pursuit. Oh, but not the kind that are hand-rolled, smokeable and come inside a humidor. Those are still difficult to get through customs, but less so as U.S.-Cuban relations have normalized in recent months. It’s a different story entirely when the Cubans you’re trying to smuggle into the country are grown men with powerful right arms and a solid command of the strike zone. Just ask Bart Hernandez, a baseball player agent who has specialized in representing Cuban defectors, yet now finds himself under arrest y by agents from the Department of Homeland Security and the FBI. He was indicted on charges of alien smuggling by a federal grand jury in Miami, where he was taken into custody. Hernandez has ties to the Miami-based agency Praver Shapiro and has represented a handful of Cuban stars on Major League Baseball rosters. His impressive client base include Jose Abreu of the Chicago White Sox, Adeiny Hechavarria of the Miami Marlins, Jorge Soler of the Chicago Cubs and Leonys Martin of the Seattle Mariners, but none of those guys are involved in this current mess. The players in question is a Cuban national identified in the indictment by the initials "L.M.T." and the feds have accused Hernandez of conspiring with  two already-convicted Cuban alien smugglers, Eliezer Lazo and Joel Martinez Hernandez (no relation), to bring an individual believed to be Leonys Martin Tapanes into the United States illegally. Hernandez reportedly rejected a pre-indictment plea deal offered by federal prosecutors and now faces a maximum sentence of 20 years in prison, along with the possible forfeiture of $1.5 million, which prosecutors allege is the amount Hernandez received in "gross proceeds" from his dealings with Martin……..


- In arguably the most transparently bogus deal possible, Russia has agreed to provide a $200 million loan to Armenia to fund the purchase of Russian weapons. Yes, the Russian government is going to “lend” a fifth of a billion dollars to its much smaller neighbor so that neighbor can funnel the money directly back to Russia in a 10-year export credit that will cover the purchase of Smerch multiple rocket launchers, Igla shoulder-fired air defense missiles, TOS-1 thermobaric rocket launchers, anti-tank missiles and other weapons. It’s quite a haul and Armenia is part of several Russia-dominated security and economic alliances that include many ex-Soviet nations, but even those links and being host to a Russian military base doesn’t make accepting that kind of money from Vlad Putin and his crew any less dangerous. Russia made this loan and subsequent arms deal knowing full well that the supplies of new weapons are certain to anger Azerbaijan, which has been locked in a conflict with Armenia over Nagorno-Karabakh, and clearly Russia doesn’t give a damn because it knows it can rough roughshod over Azerbaijan any time it damn well feels like it. Most experts believe the new weapons shipments from Russia will help maintain a military parity with Azerbaijan amid increasing tensions in Nagorno-Karabakh, a disputed region that doesn’t receive as much attention as other zones of conflict in Africa and Asia, but clearly is about to become a much more interesting place in the weeks ahead………..


- Woody Allen is going all in with the new direction of movies and entertainment. The legendary comedy director has been around for decades and could easily be called old school, yet he’s jumping fully on board with Amazon Prime, the company's answer to on-demand streaming services. He’s already set to begin filming a previously announced TV series for Prime, starring Miley Cyrus and scheduled to begin production in March. But Allen isn't stopping there and has doubled down with the news that his next film released exclusively through Amazon Prime. Amazon confirmed that Allen will be releasing his as-of-yet untitled film this summer exclusively through the online video platform. There are several big names attached to the project, a 1930s-set comedy, including Kristen Stewart, Steve Carell and Blake Lively. "Woody Allen is a brilliant filmmaker. We're so proud to be in business with him for both his next film and his first-ever TV series,” Amazon Studios head Roy Price said in announcing the collaboration. There is no confirmed distributor of the forthcoming movie, but with Woody Allen attached to it, finding someone willing to take on the job shouldn’t be that difficult in order to get the movie out to the world once Amazon Prime has done its thing. The movie may or may not be big - the size of a Buick, perhaps - but it’s interesting to see an older director who has become a cult favorite to many over the years embrace the new direction of the industry and seek to reach new audiences……….


- Of course this was going to happen. If someone told you that a major state university somewhere in the United States was going to give students the green light to pack heat on campus, how long would it have taken you to guess it was Texas? Half a second? Three-quarters of a second? Sure enough, we now have confirmation that students at the University of Texas at Austin will soon be allowed to carry handguns on campus. This week, University of Texas President Gregory Fenves approved guidelines for gun owners in light of a recently passed state law allowing guns on campuses. "I have thoroughly reviewed the policy recommendations of the Campus Carry Working Group and decided to adopt them," Fences said. "Under the law, I cannot adopt a policy that has the general effect of excluding licensed concealed handguns from campus.” Yes, because…..Texas. Last year, the Republican-led Texas Legislature voted to allow guns within buildings on public college campuses throughout the state and furthermore, the bill requires a university president to adopt and implement the law. But don’t worry because open carry on campus is still prohibited, so it’s not like it will be the wild west. UT tried to make the case that because the law says you have to be 21 before applying for a concealed carry license, less than 1 less of students will qualify for a license to carry a concealed weapon in classrooms or academic buildings. Soon after UT’s announcement, Georgia lawmakers began debate on a measure that would allow guns on college campuses, meaning it’s only a matter of time before incoming freshmen are issued a Kevlar vest along with their dorm room assignment and Internet ID. Get that Gloc ready, UT students……….

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Ugandan voting chaos/fun, Canada v. hockey hijinks and Wisconsin v. maple syrup integrity


- There are a few precious topics over which the typically kind, genial people of the Badger State will put down their politeness and throw hands. Beer is one, fried cheese curds are another and the Green Bay Packers also make the list, but apparently so does maple syrup. The state churns out approximately 14 percent of America’s maple syrup products and those responsible for that mass of sticky, sugary goodness are in a foul mood. Maple syrup season will soon begin, but it fires up with members of the industry claiming that some among them are using the word "maple" in items that don't contain the real thing. These dissenters sent a letter to the Food and Drug Administration last week in which they named eight products they say are using the maple name, without any maple syrup listed in the ingredients. Yes, maple syrup fraud and worse still, it’s being perpetuated on illiterate people with no way of reading a label and determining that there is no maple syrup in what they’re consuming. The list includes entries such as oatmeal and waffles, alongside maple walnut ice cream, made by HP Hood, a dairy company based in Boston."The maple flavor in our ice cream product is derived from a maple, and all-natural maple flavor," HP Hood spokesperson Lynne Bohan said. "We don't see any need to change the label at this time. Again, because we believe the label claim is in compliance with the regulations. This syrup slickster admitted that maple is not listed in the ingredients, but said the recipe would remain the same. Meanwhile, the FDA is reviewing the syrup industry's letter, but even those waging this fight understand that there is no timeline for an answer from the FDA……….


- Has No Doubt finally done it? It, of course, being expunging their pop princess lead singer from their ranks and finding someone to front their sad, wildly overrated musical outfit and make it a legitimate rock band. That lead singer would be reality karaoke judge and wannabe fashionista Gwen Stefani, whose No Doubt bandmates have formed a new band with AFI frontman Davey Havok, having signed a record deal and completed work on an album. It’s the sort of news that you would want to know, even if you’re a rock and roll poseur with no actual rock credibility, but apparently No Doubt members Tom Dumont, Tony Kanal and Adrian Young didn’t feel the need to pick up the phone and bother their band’s previous leading lady on the set as she mentored the aspiring karaoke-ers of “The Voice” on NBC. According to Stefani, she received the news in a rather unusual and awkward way. "I actually first heard about [the news] on the Internet,” Stefani said. However, she insisted that the band is just "a side project" and that she hasn't been replaced in No Doubt. "They want to be in a punk band. It's not No Doubt," she added. "All the guys from No Doubt are doing a new band, just to do new music." Oh, is that what they told you? Go ahead and keep believing that if you want, G. What really matters here is that the world never has to experience the ugliness to which it was subjected last year when No Doubt reformed to play a series of live shows, or the pain of 2012, when the band released its most recent album, “Push and Shove.” Just stay in separate locations and never, ever make music together again……….


- Hey America, Uganda would like to try to match the sheer insanity and chaos of your presidential election process, even if no one in its race is orange, insane or hatefully jingoistic like a certain pompadour-rocking Republican candidate. The mayhem is a little different down in Africa, where a Ugandan presidential candidate who called the country’s leader a dictator was arrested during a hectic and harried shutdown of social media sites and fights at polling stations. According to Shawn Muburi, who is in charge of communications for Kizza Besigye's Forum for Democratic Change party, Besigye was arrested late in the day in the Kampala suburb of Naguru, where he had gone to investigate alleged ballot stuffing in a house run by the intelligence agencies. That was a bold, yet foolish step by a candidate who was allegedly arrested and taken to an unknown location, after which police did not respond to requests for comment. In a shocking coincidence, Besigye is Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni's main challenger in the polls. The day of decision was a messy one overall, as the tardy delivery of voting materials made life difficult for Ugandans trying to cast ballots in presidential and parliamentary elections, with tempers sometimes boiling over. International observers expressed concern over the problems, but opposition party leaders went a step further, calling the delays deliberate and aimed at favoring Museveni. Voting was supposed to start at 7 a.m., but noon rolled around and some polling stations in the capital, including a major one, still had not received any voting papers. Long lines formed, the ballots remained AWOL and madness ensued. Despite the chicanery,  Museveni faces a strong challenge from Besigye, who forecasted the troubles when he called Museveni a dictator and said he doubts that voting will be free or fair. Some voters, when informed that there were no ballots for the vote for president, strong-armed police, grabbed the ballot boxes and threw them all over the field at the polling station. Police responded with tear gas and another memorable election day in Africa was off and running and/or burning………..


- How seriously does Canada take its favorite sport/unofficial religion? Seriously enough that if you’re thought to be recklessly operating something as seemingly innocuous as a minor-league hockey team, there is going to be a price to pay. Just ask Flint Firebirds owner Rolf Nilsen, who has been suspended by the Ontario Hockey League a day after he fired his team’s coaching staff for the second time this season. This time, the ax fell on head coach and general manager John Gruden and assistant coach Dave Karpa, who received their walking papers this week. In the wake of that carnage, director of hockey operations Sergei Kharin was named interim head coach and assistant coach Petr Jonak was retained. This came three months after the Firebirds fired Gruden, Karpa and Jonak, taking the first half of their team nickname a bit too literally. The three men  were reinstated the next day after the players, including the owner's son, responded in a unified protest. "The recent actions by the owner of the Flint Firebirds, Rolf Nilsen, and his representatives on the management team and coaching staff is of great concern as they pose a serious threat to our commitment to our players and their families," the OHL said in a statement. Not only did the league ban Nilsen, but it also suspended his appointees on the management and coaching staff, including Kharin, until further notice. The environment within the organization is apparently so toxic that the Firebirds also have been ordered to provide counseling services for players under the direction of the league. All of this is on the plate of players currently sitting in ninth place in the Western Conference with a 16-31-6 record and losses in eight of their last 10 games………..

Friday, February 19, 2016

Colorado Pot Wars, animals with knives in Brazil and Jim Harbaugh's recruiting scam


- What is it with animals picking up blades and coming at humans in Brazil lately? First, it was the viral video of a colorful crab holding a sharp kitchen knife and trying to fend off the human owner of the knife, who was pursuing it with his phone in one hand to film and not a shred of intelligence in the other because he could have just dropped something heavy on the crab to smash it and end the chase. But that was nothing compared to what happened recently in the city of Patos, where firefighters were called to a bar to deal with a drunk and disorderly primate who downed a glass of rum and picked up a kitchen knife. According to police, the monkey began chasing men around with the knife and one would assume, given the greater brain power of the primate versus the crab, it’s safe to surmise that there was a much better chance of the monkey inflicting serious damage with its stolen weapon. Thankfully, the malicious monkey decided that it would be just as happy attacking an inanimate object as a human and was later captured on video  using the kitchen knife to scratch at the bar’s roof. Police and other pursuers eventually captured the monkey and released it back into the wild, one for it to later be found terrorizing another group of people - residents of homes along the woods. This time, it was captured and kept as authorities attempted to decide whether it’s safe to release the animal again or if that ability of folks to pound cheap beer in peace or be in the yard behind their house without fear of a primate attack outweighs an animal’s right to freedom………


- Pretty soon, Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh is going to have either the biggest coaching and support staff in college football or he’s going to have a slew of NCAA rules violations on his hands - or maybe both. The kooky head coach has been a recruiting maniac this offseason, doing everything from climbing trees to having sleepovers at recruit’s homes in order to get the best prospects to commit to the Wolverines, but it seems like his maneuvering didn’t end on National Signing Day. For the second year in a row, Harbaugh has conveniently hired a family member of a top recruit who just happened to commit to Michigan shortly before their loved one landed a sweet new gig. Last season, Harbaugh hired Gwendolyn Bush, mother of defensive back transfer Wayne Lyons, in a player development role. This year, he just so happened to bring in Devin Bush Sr., whose son Devin Bush Jr. signed with Michigan as part of its 2016 recruiting class. Bush Sr., who is known for his playing days as a safety at Florida State in the early '90s, and played in the NFL from 1995 to 2002, confirmed he will be joining the Wolverines as a defensive analyst. Wait….your son is a prized linebacker recruit and within two weeks him signing with a school, you make the leap from Flanagan High School in Pembroke Pines, Florida, to Ann Arbor Yes, Bush Sr. recently led Flanagan to a state championship, but this move seems tied much more closely to his son’s commitment and the presence of another top recruit for next year,  Stanford Samuels, on the Pembroke Pines roster. Harbuagh’s blatant nepotism-as-a-recruiting-tool strategy also extends to coaches who aren’t related to recruits, as he also hired Chris Partridge from Paramus Catholic high school, where No. 1 ranked Rashan Gary attended school……….


- Quit trying to harsh their buzz, you squares in the state legislature of Colorado. The Centennial State was the first to legalize pot for recreational use and has become the stoner capital of America, but not everyone has been thrilled with the impact ganja has had on Colorado. Some of those people have continued to peck away at the perimeter of the herb issue, such as those who have sponsored a bill that would require medical marijuana home grows to be enclosed and locked. Yes, because the goal is always to keep the hippie lettuce out of the hands of children - except for the fact that if mom or dad is lighting up and that stank is enveloping the home, then the kids are going to get a contact high anyhow. These over-regulators seem nonplussed by the fact that existing laws already require recreational pot plants to be enclosed and locked. Even though medical marijuana can be grown out in the open, supporters of the bill claim that children are picking marijuana out of backyards and taking it to school. A law enforcement official showed a senate committee pictures of backyard medical marijuana grows, one of them right beside a middle school and said students are “walking through the greenbelt … and grabbing handfuls of marijuana.”  Sen. Linda Newell (a.k.a. Sen. Wet Blanket), the bill’s sponsor, is smashing her hand on the child-safety panic button hard in this situation. “Colorado has the highest use rates of marijuana among youth in the country,” Newell said. Opponents of the bill contend that stealing pot from someone’s backyard is already illegal and believe the real purpose of this charade is  to curb home grows. You fight that good fight, stoners, and don’t let them pry that prized spliff from your Cheetoh-dust-stained hands……….


- If ever there was a show that scream for a musical episode, “Game of Thrones” would not be it. It’s an incredibly bloody, violent show full of brutality, beatings and death, but it seems that at least two members of the cast would still like to channel their inner song-and-dance. “Thrones” stars Dean-Charles Chapman and Isaac Hempstead Wright were asked about making a musical episode of the fantasy series, a la the 2001 musical episode of  “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and so many other shows that have tried the idea over the years and these two believe that they and their cast mates have the musical skill to pull of their own take on the concept. "It would be quite dark. There'd be a lot of deaths," Wright said. “There are a lot of musicians in the cast actually, I've got to say. I play the piano but we've got Nat Tena, who plays Osha, who's in a band called Molotov Jukebox. Lots of people are in bands. So watch this space, maybe there'll be a Game Of Thrones musical episode." He plays Bran Stark on the show and hasn’t exactly had a chance to show off his singing talents yet, so maybe this will spur a change.  "I'd like to see that. Absolutely," Chapman added. Whether or not the cast could pull it off or not is a question mark, but give the show’s immense popularity already, it’s hard to imagine a musical episode not getting huge publicity and boosting ratings even further. As long as fans can have their death, deceit and danger alongside their high notes and baritones, odds are that it wouldn’t upset much of anyone……….