- Idiots and losers: They’re everywhere and you cannot
escape them….but you have much better odds if you steer clear of nything that
has a tie to the Guinness Book of World Records. It’s a shame because Guinness
makes a fantatic beer, but the compnay name has been sullied by its book
compiling all manner of inane and worthless accomplishments that serve neither
a purpose nor a point. Instead, the book merely inspires morons with no actual
talent to collect as many anime movie posters as possible or grow their
toenails to grotesque lengths while simultaneously warding off the few friends
they were fortunate to have in the first place. The Guinness bug recently
struck Eugene, Oregon resident Scott Holub, who may habe gone insane looking at
the many multi-colored, neon uniform combinations worn by the hometown
University of Oregon football team, or may have hammered a Guinness or nine
before deciding that his next great pursuit in lif was to grow the world’s
largest squash. The existing record before this Miracle Gro-loving lunatic went
H.A.M. on it was 1,568 pounds, but that record is no more. It was shattered at
Bauman’s Farm and Garden in Gervais, where Holub brought to bear his ginormous
gourd to the tune of 1,578 pounds. Guinness Book of World Records spokesperson
James Beriault said the squash broke the previous record by roughly ten pounds,
which doesn’t even come close to replicating the weight of the shame Holub’s
family and friends should feel for their association with him……..
- And that’s why we all hate mascots. Well, technically
there are dozens of reasons to despise the sweaty losers in oversized animal
costumes who dance on dugouts, shoot hot dogs out air cannons and insist on
foisting their wacky hijinks on indifferent fans who just want to enjoy the
freaking game, but Jacksonville Jaguars mascot Jaxson de Ville is showing the degrees
of d-baggery to which mascots can sink with his act during Sunday’s game
between the Jaguars and Pittsburgh Steelers at EverBank Field. Somehow, a man
who earns a living dress as a giant cat didn’t realize it was a bad idea to
hijack the world’s growing Ebola epidemic to mock the Steelers' Terrible Towels
during a game. The man inside the suit, Curtis Dvorak, has worn the cat costume
for 18 seasons and he thought it would hilarious to hold up a handwritten sign
that read "TOWELS CARRY EBOLA" while carrying a yellow Terrible Towel
in his right hand. Oddly enough, the display didn’t go well and amazingly, in
this world where nothing controversial or offensive ever circulates rapidly
online, the image somehow made the rounds on social media and outrage ensued. Jaguars
officials declined to comment Sunday night, rightly allowing Dvorak to twist in
the wind. That’s what should happen to kooks who mock a viral disease that is
highly infectious and has a mortality rate of nearly 90 percent. Surely those
connected to the 7,470 probable, confirmed and suspected cases of the disease
and 3,431 (and counting) deaths found Jaxson de Ville’s antics
hi-larrrr-eee-ous and are laughing along with this giant, furry comic……….
- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! In a curious twist of outsiders
crashing the part at parliament, an angry mob of hundreds of Kurdish
protesters rose up Monday to make their voices heard on an issue near and dear
to their hearts. The demonstrators occupied the Dutch Parliament building and
are calling for more action to combat the Islamic State terror group, which is
not an uncommon thought these days but isn't exactly in keeping with the
largely chill foreign policy of the world’s first true stoner nation. Sadly, the
official Twitter feed of The Hague police proclaimed the demonstration to be
peaceful and added that officers were having civil conversations with protest
leaders about their gathering. To avoid further theatrics, police advised the
public not to go to the square outside Parliament, a request that should have inspired
an even larger mob to show up but was instead mostly heeded. A national
broadcaster posted video from the scene showing chanting protesters inside the
Parliament building holding a banner that said in Dutch "Stop the silence.
Support Kobani," which is a message about the Syrian town close to the
Turkish border that was under attack Monday by Islamic State fighters.
Expecting the Dutch parliament to do much of anything given the country’s small
size and miniscule military might is asking a bit much, so hopefully a nearby
coffee shop can offer these courageous Kurds some quality kush and allow they
to smoke away their worries and find a mellow place where everything is totally
awesome……….
- Score one for interactive concert fun. Much like the 3-D
movie that jumps off the screen and into your lap – but with more pain and a
nice welt to remember it by – a performance by British rapper Professor Green
is more than just watching a mildly talented emcee spit rhymes on a stage. The
(not really a) Professor was performing a small gig at Durham University when the evening took a
turn for the violent thanks to a fan who continually talked junk to the rapper
during his set. At some point, Professor Green decided he’d heard enough and
when the verbal abuser made a move toward him physically, he retaliated by
slapping the man in the face. In an eyewitness video, Green can be seen
approaching a member of the audience at the Student Union Welcome Ball. It
appears the two men are trading unpleasantries for a few seconds, after which
Green extends his arm toward the man and connects before walking away and saying,
"That’s what happens if you call me a c*nt, but are we gonna have a f*cking
good time tonight or what?" The awesome part of the story is that unlike
many artists, who would insist the entire situation was blown out of
proportion, Green and his crew aren't denying a thing. "During Professor
Green's live show at Durham University on Friday night, a student verbally
abused Green repeatedly and then went to strike him. Green reacted. The student
was subsequently escorted out from the venue for being too drunk. Green carried
on the show to perform his full set,” a spokesperson for the rapper confirmed.
Green addressed the incident on Twitter and took issue with the person he
slapped being qualified as a fan. “Since when is someone who
hurls repeated abuse and tries to slap me a fan? As you were...” he tweeted.
All righty then………
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