Thursday, October 30, 2014

Bon Iver's hipster festival, Riot Watch! Benin and the Lakers' tragedy begins


- What has Denzel Washington been up to lately? Other than starring in Hollywood blockbusters, going to red carpet events and hanging with fellow A-listers, of course? Funny you should ask, because it turns out that a massive movie star also likes to hang out in hellhole college towns in Tennessee doing bong rips in cheap apartments and lying to the police about who he is. Such is the story from Murfreesboro, Tenn., where police arrested a man claiming to be Washington after responding to a noise complaint at an apartment on Huntington Drive. When they rolled onto the scene, officers had to be stunned to smell the scent of marijuana smoke because no one ever does anything remotely stupid when they’ve spent the night getting high with friends. Actually, stoners having enough energy to make sufficient noise to register a complaint is somewhat curious, but the officers figured something might be up and called for backup. When the legal posse went inside, they found the drugs they had sniffed out earlier and began to process the scene. Everyone inside the apartment reluctantly identified themselves to the officers, but one man offered up a name that seemed to be a potential lie. He identified himself as Denzel Washington, but officers weren't buying it and did some digging. Stunningly, they learned that Denzel was not Denzel at all, but rather Justin Seay. Seay then added a charge of criminal impersonation to go with the drug and parole violations he was already facing, making it a “Harold and Kumar”-worthy night that should be up for consideration in the Stoner Hall of Fame………


- How is the season going to go for the Los Angeles Lakers? Try asking rookie forward Julius Randle, the team's top draft choice in June, and make sure you can understand him through the weeping and tears coming from his hospital room once they wheel him out of the operating room. Also, pull up a chair and get comfortable because he’s going to have plenty of time to talk, what with his right tibia being shattered less than one game into his NBA career. In a double-digit home opener loss, Randle went down and the team has already announced that it expects him to miss the rest of the season. "It is heartbreaking, because I saw him all summer," coach Byron Scott said. "I saw the work that he was putting in. I saw the progression that he was making, the steps that he was taking to get better. And his first game, he goes down.” The injury could actually be a positive for both Randle and the team, because he doesn’t have to be directly involved with what’s going to be the worst season in franchise history and the team can suck even worse than it otherwise would have thanks to missing its prized rookie, therefore increasing its odds of winning the top pick in the draft lottery. According to players near Randle went he went down, there was an audible popping sound and he held his leg for several minutes while medical officials tended to him. Randle went off on a stretcher and the Lakers went down by 18 points as aging superstar Kobe Bryant fought with former teammate Dwight Howard over a cheap shot elbow. The Lakers couldn’t stop anyone, surrendered 50 free throw attempts and saw their offense look every bit as punchless as expected. In short, it was a horrifying preview of what the team and its celebrity fans can expect in the months ahead and this could be the most terrifying horror story in Hollywood in a long time………


- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Long overlooked in the African and Middle East dissidence scene, Benin is getting into the mix thanks to the opposition's call for local elections and the willingness of some 30,000 supporters to take to the streets and demand the change their government is unwilling to give them. The massive crowd gathered in the capital city, Porto-Novo, to support the call for elections that were supposed to take place in March 2013. They have been repeatedly postponed due to alleged issues with electoral lists and despite showing no actual inclination to hold the vote, officials continue to insist that the elections will take place before the end of the year. Not satisfied with those lies, opposition parties called the rally to make sure the issue could not continue to be back-burnered in the West African nation. Opposition leader Oswald Homeky said the country is at an impasse and reiterated claims that the opposition will not back down until its demands are met. President Boni Yayi was elected in 2006 in a landslide vote and won re-election in 2011, but he’s locked in as the leader of the country through 2016, so changing local leadership is the next best option for those seeking change. The drama became even more intense last yet due to a surprise government reshuffle and that sparked a growing protest movement accusing Yayi of seeking to remove term limits to increase his time in power. Should that be his dastardly plan, he has nearly two years to execute it and if that means two more years of angry uprisings featuring increasing levels of violence and dissidence, then it’s a win for the world………


- Let the hipster condescension begin. Bon Iver's Justin Vernon is arguably the most pompous indie rocker in a world full of people who like things ironically and believe they’re cooler than you, so one can only hope that Vernon hosting his own festival will bring out the fake-glasses-wearing, flannel-rocking, obscure-band-loving tools to celebrate with one of their icons. The Eaux Claires Music And Arts Festival will take place next summer on Foster Farm in Eau Claire, Wisc. which is normally not a place anyone would ever want to go without a gun pointed to their head, but it is Vernon’s hometown and therefore deemed worthy of such an event. The plan is for a capacity of 25,000 and for the event to take place July 17-18, with acts playing on two stages and in one large tent. Because he loves him some spotlight, Vernon will curate the festival line-up himself. There is no lineup as of yet, but Vernon is a sure bet to play either as a solo act, with Bon Iver or with his side project, Volcano Choir – maybe all three. He hasn’t exactly been busy of late and his last public move was releasing a new Bon Iver song earlier this year. That track, “Heavenly Father,” featured on the soundtrack to Zach Braff film “Wish I Was Here.” It was the first new Bon Iver material from Vernon since his self-titled 2011 album and it put Vernon alongside fellow indie favorite like The Shins and Cat Power.  Summer time is festival time and tossing another one onto the heap will hardly overload the concert scene, but the idea of the a-holes who like and support Vernon gathering in one place for two full days is either an opportunity to quarantine them all from the rest of society or a surefire way for any non-hipsters in attendance to reach a breaking point in their tolerance for flannel……..

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