- Mysteries are fun, right? Usually, yes. That could change
if the mystery in question is the identity of the mystery block of mold at the
back of the office fridge that used to be someone’s lunch but is now a verified
biohazard to everyone within a 10-mile radius. It could also change if the
mystery is the identity of a creature currently attacking livestock in a
largely rural county in Kentucky. The good people of Shelby County, Ky. are on
high alert after the latest in a round of nighttime attacks in the past few
weeks that has included maulings of six
goats -- five of which had to be put down -- and four calves. "It's not
doing it to kill the animal to eat, these animals are just being mauled. That's
where the mystery is at this point," said Deputy County Judge Executive
Rusty Newton. Like any mysterious attacker that has not been caught or even
seen, this vicious creature has spawned all manner of urban legends. Residents
say the creature lurks in the woods and only comes out at night, which could
make it a vampire – or simply nocturnal. Many in the town are on the lookout
for the beast and one couple found what they believe are tracks from the
animal. Resident Frank Edwards said he and his family have placed trail cameras
out to try and locate the creature, along with traps, but mused that “it's
smarter than we are." Oh, so many jokes to make there, but let’s allow
those to go by the wayside. County officials are holding a meeting Monday night
to inform concerned citizens about the state of the mini-crisis………..
- Has anyone seen Radiohead guitarist Jonny Greenwood lately? Hands
down, sources in Brazil, because anyone claiming that the axe man for the
British rockers is hiding in Sao Paulo awaiting the end of the world in eight
days doesn’t have a ton of credibility. There may be plenty of kooks around the
globe who are stocking their apocalypse bunkers with ammunition, spam and
portable generators and there may even be some who happen to be in bands, but
the odds that Greenwood has chosen to hunker down in Brazil because he believes
the Mayans were right in predicting that the world will end on Dec. 21 aren't
high. However, those claims were backed by Tourism Minister Eduardo de Oliveira
Coelho and numerous Brazilian media sources, so maybe Greenwood really
has bought fully into the Mayan calendar and is locked in the rural Catuçaba
hotel waiting for the end of the world (cue Elvis Costello). "The reason
why he's here is to get away, because hotels like this preserve the privacy of
the guests and he does not want publicity,” said Emmanuel Rengade, owner of the
hotel where Greenwood was rumored to be staying. Add de Oliveira Coelho’s
claims that Greenwood has been at the hotel since the start of December and
that his Radiohead bandmates will be joining him nearer to A-Day and you have
all the makings of a legitimate scam to increase tourism, er, a real news
story. In de Oliveira Coelho’s version of the story, Greenwood is planning to
provide free classes to youths in the city while staying there and would extend
his stay should the Mayan prediction fail to happen. Radiohead’s management has
categorically denied the claims, although they could kill them entirely by
producing a recent photograph of Greenwood somewhere other than Brazil……….
- The parliament in Ukraine is a model for legislatures
around the world. Rather than suiting up in expensive, three-piece suits and
ties and following bullsh*t rules for decorum that leave them trying to talk
each other (and the issues) to death, why can’t legislators simply turn their
rings around, take off their chains, remove their expensive cuff links and
brawl when a problem arises? The scene in parliament on Thursday was epic for a second
straight day as newly elected legislators approved two presidential allies for the posts of
prime minister and parliament speaker, but not before a massive brawl between
government supporters and opposition lawmakers broke out. The Party of Regions,
led by President Viktor Yanukovych, and its allies secured a majority in the
Verkhovna Rada thanks to a (probably) rigged election in October. Three
opposition parties performed well in the vote and despite their (bogus) defeat,
they all vowed to challenge Yanukovych's grip on power. Rather than allow their
threats to ring hollow, these opposition heroes threw haymakers and chanted
"Shame! Shame!" and "No to defectors!" The brawl sparked up
shortly after parliament began its work Thursday morning, when opposition
lawmakers bum-rushed the parliament's podium and a fight erupted with
pro-government legislators. Impromptu wrestling matches broke out around the
podium and some deputies were knocked over in the melee, although unfortunately
there were no chair shots dished out or arm-bar holds applied. What incited the
attack from opposition members? They were angry over the fact that some of
their opponents continued the controversial practice of voting in place of
their absent colleagues, despite a recent ban. If that isn’t a reason to drop
gloves and go, then what is? Yanukovych ally Volodymyr Rybak was speaking at
the time and tried to calm the room down, but to no avail. Once the fight
ended, Rybak was approved as prime minister and later in the day, parliament
voted to approve acting Prime Minister Mykola Azarov, a staunch Yanukovych
ally, as the country's premier. Opposition members refused to take part in both
votes and its members stormed out of the hall in protest, casting a little bit
of doubt on how stable the government will be moving forward………
- There is good news and there is bad news about your
refusal to die, world. On the upside, a sharp decline in deaths from malnutrition and
diseases like measles and tuberculosis has caused a shift in global mortality
patterns over the past 20 years. The bad news is that the world isn’t getting
any bigger and with global warming and rising seas chewing up pieces of
available land, there are fewer and fewer places to cram new members of
civilization. This disturbing news comes from a new report suggesting that more
people are living into old age and dying from diseases more associated with
rich countries, like cancer and heart disease. Optimists could argue this as a
victory for improvements in sanitation, medical services and access to food
throughout the developing world, as well as the success of broad public health
efforts like vaccine programs, while cynics could point out that THE WORLD
ISN’T GETTING ANY BIGGER AND WITH GLOBAL WARMING AND RISING SEAS CHEWING UP
PIECES OF AVAILABLE LAND, THERE ARE FEWER AND FEWER PLACES TO CRAM NEW MEMBERS
OF CIVILIZATION. Researchers at the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation,
a health research organization financed by the Bill and Melinda Gates
Foundation at the University of Washington, produced the report and found that infant
mortality has declined by more than half between 1990 and 2010, and
malnutrition, the No. 1 risk factor for death and years of life lost in 1990,
has fallen to No. 8. Deaths from cancer are down and for the most part, life
expectancy is up….for the most part. Not surprisingly, American women
registered the smallest gains in life expectancy of all high-income countries
between 1990 and 2010 and American men were not much better. “It’s alarming
just how little progress there has been for women in the United States,” said researcher
Christopher Murray, who coordinated the report. Murray attributed the lack of
progress in this area to rising rates of obesity among American women and the
legacy of smoking. Other than obese American women with smoking habits, sub-Saharan
Africa was another dark spot on the otherwise-positive report. Infectious
diseases, childhood illnesses and maternal causes of death still account for
about 70 percent of all illness in the region, which is clearly doing its part
to fight overpopulation…….
- There have not been many encouraging signs for the New
York Yankees so far this offseason. The front office is operating under an unprecedented
mandate to cut payroll instead of adding it at will and that has led to a total
of zero big trades and no Earth-shaking signings for the Bronx Bombers. To
date, the biggest move the Yankees have made was signing Red Sox (and White
Sox) castoff Kevin Youkilis, who isn't the player he once was. Additionally,
Alex Rodriguez is expected to miss the first four to six months of the season after
he has hip surgery next month and The Captain, Derek Jeter, is battling back
from a leg injury of his own and recently showed up in a paparazzi photo with
20 or 25 extra pounds around his midsection. Without any major signings
imminent and two of their stars in less-than-stellar shape, Yankees fans need
something to feel good about and they got it Wednesday when legendary closer Mariano Rivera said he'll be ready to
pitch on Opening Day. During an appearance at the Yankees' annual holiday food
drive, Rivera said he's "feeling good" as he continues to rehab a
torn ACL sustained shagging fly balls in Kansas City last season. "Oh,
yeah, I don't see why not," Rivera said in response to a question about
his chances to pitch in the opener. "We have at least three months, four
months until that point. I'll be ready." He suffered the injury in May and
admitted he has not started throwing regularly but recently lobbed the ball off
the mound during a commercial shoot. The team clearly believes Rivera will be
able to not only return, but contribute, as they signed him to a one-year, $10 million
deal earlier this offseason. At this point, his successful return to the mound
would be welcome news for a franchise in need of it……….
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