- If only I had a time machine, I can tell you the first place I’d go: back to 2005, where I’d be stopping in regularly on the wide receiver meetings for the NFL’s Jacksonville Jaguars. No, it’s not that the 2005 Jaguars were an all-time great team or even that they had one of the best receiving corps in the history of the NFL. No, I’d want to be in those meetings because there’s a pretty high probability that being in those meetings would have led to me seeing one or more NFL players snort or ingest some blow. See, it may not have been known in 2005 that the Jaguars’ receiving corps was comprised of several coke heads, but in the past foru years we’ve learned the truth. Most NFL teams carry five or six receivers on their active roster during the season, so the fact that in the past year, three receivers from that 2005 team have been arrested for possession of coke is noteworthy. Matt Jones and Reggie Williams, both of whom were let go by the Jaguars after the 2008 season, chalked up their crack possession arrests a year ago and two months ago, respectively. But it was until two days ago that former Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Jimmy Smith was pulled over by the Florida Highway Patrol and found with crack cocaine and marijuana in his car. Smith, who played 10 seasons for Jacksonville, was pulled over on Interstate 95 in Jacksonville for excessive window tint on his 2009 Mercedes Benz. For some odd reason, the cop who pulled him over became suspicious when the inside of the car smelled like burnt marijuana. Always a bad idea to burn so much weed that your car reeks of it and the cops have all the reason they need to search your car. It’s an even worse idea when inside your car are crack cocaine, marijuana and a business card with powder cocaine residue. Uh-oh! Smith faces multiple drug charges, plus a charge of driving with a suspended license. All in all, a horrific day for him, but it would be a great day for me - if I only had that time machine. With Smith becoming third current or former Jaguars receiver to be busted for crack possession and all of them playing together in 2005, it would have been like a freaking drug supermarket in the Jags’ locker room. Whether you needed blow, a rock of crack or some hippie lettuce, you would have been able to find what you needed. I just feel sorry for the Jaguars’ receivers coach in 2005, because coaching three confirmed crack heads couldn’t have been easy……
- Oh no he didn’t…..actually, yes he did. A Saudi man really did divorce his wife by text message and even worse, a court upheld the texted divorce as legal. The man was in Iraq when he sent the SMS informing her she was no longer his spouse. He followed up with a telephone call to two of his relatives, which I would have loved to listen in on. “Hey bro, what up? You just divorced your wife? By text message? Cool, how is the weather in Iraq?” When the matter came before a court in the Red Sea city of Jeddah, you might think that the judges would reject the legality of divorcing one’s spouse by tapping out a quick text on the ol’ Blackberry, but no. They finalized the split -- the first known divorce in Saudi Arabia by text message -- after summoning the two relatives to check they had received word of the husband's intention. In other words, you can use whatever means you want to ditch your wife, just as long as you tell two relatives what you’re up to. Then again, that is the law in Saudi Arabia, which practices a strict form of Islamic Sharia law, Under the law, clerics preside over Sharia courts as judge and a man can divorce his wife by saying "I divorce you" three times. I believe that’s also the law that Elizabeth Taylor lives under, but maybe I’m mistaken. In the end, this divorce may not even matter. The Saudi man was in Iraq to participate in "what he described as 'jihad',” and if we’ve learned anything about jihad in the Middle East, those waging it often end up going home one way - in a body bag………..
- Some of Andrea Wachner’s former high school classmates may have an issue with her sending a stripper in her place to their 10-year high school reunion, but not me. Wachner didn’t want to go back and see her old schoolmates, not when her answer to the inevitable question of "What do you do?" would be answered with, “I’m a freelance comedy writer.” Instead of paying a lot of money to go back and eat a crappy meal in a room full of people she didn’t like ten years ago and hasn’t talked to since, Wachner elected to hire a stripper to go in her place and filmed a documentary about the whole experiment. “I Remember Andrea" wasn't picked up by the film festivals this go-around, but Wachner did find a manager who took interest in her project. They are shopping it around as a reality TV show or a narrative feature. Some of you may have a lot of fond memories of high school and look back at it as the best time in your lives - you are morons. For most people, high school is best described as Wachner describes it: brutal. Her four years of high school in her hometown, Palos Verdes, weren’t memorable and so if she wanted to send scantily dressed woman named Cricket to her reunion, so be it. Unfortunately, some of her classmates don’t have a sense of humor or the ability to remove that giant stick from up their asses, so when Wachner posted clips on YouTube from her 40-minute documentary, there was a bit of outrage. “There's definitely a contingency of people who hate me because of this,” she said. Hmm, perhaps that has to do with the fact that Palos Verdes in an upper class community for Los Angeles' professional set and rich people don’t like to be embarrassed. On the day of the reunion, Wachner brought a crew, two cameramen and a sound technician to the Marriott Hotel in Torrance, Calif., and set up near the festivities. She also brought her yearbook to aid in identifying the attendees. Cricket showed up in a burlesque outfit: fishnets, a tight black dress that resembled a slip, and tall black spike-heeled boots. She rocked multiple tattoos and short jet-black hair, accented with a purple flower. All of the other attendees were in formal attire, so it was quite a contrast. Cricket and Andrea had met in Jumbo's Clown Room in Hollywood, Calif., where Cricket danced and performed balancing acts. Still, Wachner had to find a way to explain the presence of cameras and microphones to the attendees, so she had Cricket tell the alums that they were filming a documentary about artists called "Work to Live, Live to Work." Wachner communicated with Cricket through an earpiece the entire time, coaching her on what to say and how. Cricket told the reunion attendees that she'd had reconstructive surgery and also suffered from amnesia. At the end of the night came the coup de grace, a striptease performed to what Cricket described as "one of the worst songs of the '90s," Lisa Loeb's "Stay." Cricket took a chair to the dance floor and began stripping, pulling off her top, and then her skirt, revealing her underwear. Several of the alums clapped, some screamed and some laughed. One woman ran up to Cricket and stuffed a bill in her panties. While she danced, the earpiece Wachner had been using to communicate with her, but no one noticed. It was at this point that the wet blankets working for hotel security put an end to the fun. The hotel said it didn’t want footage of someone dancing scandalously in its ballroom. But the bigger uproar came once Wachner threw up her YouTube clips, at which point her old classmates were made to look like the colossal asses that many of them appear to be………..
- This season has not gone the way the New York Yankees had hoped, not in any sense. Their new stadium is a band box that yields more home runs per game than any venue in baseball, their overpriced roster is underperforming at an alarming rate and fans just aren’t spending ridiculous amounts of jack for tickets at the new Yankee Stadium. While four to five homers per game fly out of the yard and high-priced free agent signees like CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett and Mark Teixeira have subpar starts to the season, the most glaring issue might just be the scores of empty seats at the new ballpark. The issue is glaring enough that commissioner Bud Selig is answering questions about it. Selig the teams will discuss the ticket situation, but that it was not an issue for Major League Baseball to decide. “They're going to discuss it, and whatever adjustments they want to make, they should make," Selig said. "I wouldn't be presumptuous talking about what they should or shouldn't do.” To me, this is just one more example of the arrogance of the Yankees on display. In spite of the brutal economic times and the fact that people have less and less discretionary income to spend on things like tickets to baseball games, the Yankees are charging $500-$2,625 for Legends Suite tickets in 25 sections at the new Yankee Stadium in the first nine rows around the infield, an area that contains 1,895 seats. The only game for which those seats were mostly full was the April 16 opener. However, they were more than half-empty for the remaining five games on the homestand and even worse, some entire sections were unfilled. “Hal Steinbrenner did say a couple of weeks ago that he thought that, you know, they may have overpriced tickets and they'll look at it. Well, good for him," Selig said of the Yankees managing general partner. This isn’t a problem exclusive to the Yankees, as the 30 teams in Major League Baseball were averaging 29,612 fans per game through Wednesday, which is down 5 percent from a similar point last year. However, the Yankees are the only one of the 30 teams with a sparking, new $1.5 billion stadium that isn’t selling out. Things are so bad that even Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber is taking shots at the Yankees. “It's incomprehensible that you watch a game, and there will be front row seats empty,” Garber said. Garber said the league's law firm had canceled its Yankees season tickets this year. His comments appear to have gotten under the skin of New York Yankees president Randy Levine, who showed how thin his skin is by firing back like an angry fifth grader at recess. “Don Garber discussing Yankee attendance must be a joke," Levine said Friday. "We draw more people in a year than his entire league does in a year. If he ever gets Major League Soccer into the same time zone as the Yankees, we might take him seriously. Hey Don, worry about Beckham, not the Yankees. Even he wants out of your league.” Ouch, a “Beckham wants out of your league blast, zing! True, but still unnecessary. You’re the New York Yankees, so why are you so sensitive to the comments of the commissioner of a league that isn’t even one of the major sports leagues in this country? Take a good, hard look in the mirror, R. Levine. Not only is your new stadium a bandbox that can't hold an average fly ball, not only can you not sell all of the seats, but you’re getting suckered into verbal sparring matches with the commissioner of Major League Soccer. Get ahold of yourself…..
- Did I miss Bill Clinton changing his name, moving to South America and becoming president of a small Spanish-speaking nation there? I must have, because the leader of a country being accused of knocking up three women outside of wedlock sure sounds like Bubba, doesn’t it? For now, I’ll go along with the ruse that this man is Paraguayan President Fernando Lugo. This week, a third woman came forward with an accusation that Lugo fathered a child with her out of wedlock. Damiana Moran, a teacher, said she is confident Lugo will recognize the paternity of the 16-month-old boy. “He has the will to take responsibility as it corresponds to the rights of the child,” she said. What’s amazing is that all three paternity claims against Lugo have come in the past three weeks and all come just eight months after he rose to power after spending years as a Roman Catholic bishop fighting for the rights of his poor parishioners. He’s already acknowledged being the father of a 2-year-old child conceived in the months before he stepped down as bishop. That admission came after the woman, Viviana Carrillo, filed suit seeking a paternity test. The second claim came on Monday, when Benigna Leguizamon came forward with her own paternity claim. She said her son was conceived in 2002, and that she was going public to help the 6-year-old boy, who is starting school. She has asked for a DNA test to establish paternity, and her lawyer is trying to position the case as such that if Lugo refuses to take the test, he’s basically admitting he’s the father. “The law presumed that he who does not take the DNA test accepts paternity," her lawyer, Sergio Park, said. As for Moran, she worked for Lugo's campaign and claims that she’s speaking out about the child to prevent the president's political opponents from exploiting the situation. “The most important thing for me ... is my political role ... with my community and with my society. ... (That) is what drove me to clarify this before this story is manipulated as it was with the two other women,” she said. I have to say, I’m impressed. This guy’s life changes drastically, his position shifts and he’s moving from place to place and yet he remains irrevocably consistent in one thing: he’ll hit that. And by that, I mean apparently any woman who will sleep with him. Lugo might literally rival Bubba Clinton in terms of mojo, but what’s funny is that dude was a bishop, a man of God. Guess it’s a good thing he got out of that particular line of work…….
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