Sunday, November 23, 2008

Rivalry Saturday in college football, signs you aren't fit to be a parent and when hookers' apologies mend broken hearts

- Fat people of the world, there is hope for you. Aside from the endless parade of formerly fat celebrities who lost a lot of weight and credit various weight-loss programs for their thinner selves, there are people like Karen Daniel of Phoenix. Two years ago, Daniel was wider around than she was tall. She weighed in at a ginormous 375 pounds, which is too fat for anyone under 7’10. Because of her morbid obesity, the 45-year-old wife and mother had high blood pressure; her knees hurt, she felt fatigued and could barely breathe at the slightest exertion. “I wasn't living ... I was just existing,” recalled Daniel. This wasn’t a recent thing, either;
by the time she married her husband, Paul, at age 22, she weighed 225 pounds. Within seven months of her wedding, she had added another 50 pounds. Ten years and two kids later, she weighed 300 pounds and by the time her youngest daughter was 10 years old, Daniel weighed 375 pounds. “I couldn't bend over to tie my shoes, get down on the ground or fit into chairs. Everything was hard,” said Daniel. “You're constantly worried about fitting in the toilet or shower or visiting someone's house and [worrying] about breaking a chair. It affects every minute of your life and you don't realize it.” Her turning point came when she saw a TV commercial for exercise equipment that was being sold at a local gym. The commercial was geared toward senior citizens, but Daniel showed anyhow to buy the equipment and met the gym's owner, Bill Crawford. Crawford gave her some literature and invited her to call if she needed any help in getting going on her fitness quest. With the encouragement of her sister, Daniel decided to hire Crawford as he personal trainer and on September 15, 2006, Daniel showed up for her first training session wearing a dress over her workout clothes because she refused to be seen in size 40W pants. “When Karen first walked in the door, she weighed 375 pounds and she could barely make it from the car to the front door,” Crawford remembers. On that day, when Crawford took her measurements, but the tape measure wasn't long enough to fit around Daniel’s hips. He needed seven more inches. But in the past two years, she has used diet and exercise to drop 175 pounds and 16 dress sizes, which has allowed her to do things she couldn’t have done before; white water rafting with her family, going on a plane without having to buy two seats, etc. So if you’re out there reading this and facing a similar battle as Karen Daniel, hopefully you too can change your life….

- Oh good, another corruption scandal involving a government official, awesome. You know I can't get enough of this stuff; sleazy elected officials, taking bribes, lying and stealing, serving their own self-interests instead of the interests of their constituents. What say we take a trip over to Boston, where a federal investigation into alleged public corruption in the city grew Friday to include a long-time Boston city councilor known for his community activism in one of the city's African-American districts, a man who now stands charged with taking a $1,000 bribe and later lying to federal officials about it. Meet Boston City Councilor Chuck Turner, who was busted by federal agents Friday morning. Better yet, Turner was arrested at Boston City Hall. Gotta love it when the feds are storming your city hall, arresting members of the local government. According to the U.S. attorney's office, Turner was charged with attempted extortion under color of official right and making false statements. What did he do to earn those charges? Well, according to the affidavit, Turner took a $1,000 bribe from a confidential informant in exchange for his efforts to secure a liquor license for a proposed nightclub in the Crosstown area of Roxbury. I don’t mean to sound like a skeptic, but do you have some proof, because that’s a pretty serious charge. What’s that? You claim that Turner had been working to set up City Council hearings on creating more liquor licenses in the city, that the informant in question met with Turner in the city councilor's Roxbury office in August 2007 and gave Turner the money, saying, “You take your wife to dinner and ... have some fun,” after which Turner accepted the money, smiled and said "OK." Okay, so maybe, maybe you have something there. But that’s one man’s word and unless you have….what’s that? The FBI has released surveillance photos of Turner allegedly taking the money? Damn. Well, even so, it’s only one incident and it’s not like….what? You mean to tell me that investigators attempted to give Turner more cash at his City Council office later, but the transaction was interrupted when his assistant barged into the room? All right, I’ll admit it, this does look bad for Turner. But at least he’s not the only one involved in this kind of shady business in Boston. Former State Sen. Dianne Wilkerson was arrested last month and also indicted this week on charges of allegedly taking more than $23,000 in bribes in exchange for getting the proposed Dejavu nightclub a liquor license and for her aid in a land development deal in her district, which is also Turner's City Council district in Roxbury. Just like Turner, there are undercover photos of Wilkerson taking bribes, although instead of just putting the money in her hands as Turner did, Wilkerson allegedly stuffed thousands of dollars into her bra at a Beacon Hill area restaurant. Nice move there, verrrrry classy. But back to Turner: if convicted, he faces up to 20 years imprisonment, three years of supervised release and a $250,000 fine on the attempted extortion charge and five years in imprisonment, three years of supervised release and a $250,000 fine on the false statements charge. Fine batch of public officials you have in your area, Boston, you must be very, very proud…..

- It was rivalry Saturday in college football and while some of the traditional big games like Ohio State-Michigan had no luster because of crappy seasons by one participant (lookin’ at you, Michigan), it was still an awesome day of football. The OSU-Michigan game was every bit the train wreck you would expect, a butt-ugly game that featured more stops, starts and displays of ineptitude in the first quarter than a Pee-Wee football game. When Ohio State finally calmed down, they went on to b*tch-slap the Wolverines 42-7 because Michigan is just an awful, awful football team. The same could be said for the rivalry game between Purdue and Indiana, a game the Boilermakers led 24-0 by the end of the first quarter as they sent outgoing head coach Joe Tiller off with a 62-10 thrashing of their rival. There were other, smaller-scale rivalries like Montana defeating Montana State 35-3, and of course, The Game, Harvard v. Yale, won by the Crimson in a game in which they held Yale to less than 100 yards of total offense to secure at least a portion of the Ivy League title in a 10-0 win. Then there was the Mormon Throwdown in Salt Lake City, Utah, where the Utah Utes and Brigham Young Cougars met as the seventh- and fourteenth-ranked teams in the country, respectively. The Utes came into the game in position to score an at-large BCS spot with a win, but the Cougars hung tough - until quarterback Max Hall decided to stage his audition for the Detroit Lions starting quarterback job by lobbing five interceptions, including two inside the Utah 20-yard line. The Utes won 48-24 and all but assure themselves of a BCS invite. Meanwhile, in North Carolina, North Carolina State salvaged an otherwise wasted season by throttling in-state rival North Carolina, beating the Tar Heels 41-10 to end any lingering hopes UNC had of playing for the ACC title. Other notable contests saw Penn State secure a spot in the Rose Bowl and a share of the Big Ten (11) title by crushing Michigan State 49-18 in a game that could have won the Spartans a share of the league title - if they had bothered to show up. Instead, they were gashed for 557 yards by PSU and will have to settle for a second-tier bowl. Boise State kept alive its BCS hopes by going down to Reno and defeating Nevada 41-34, improving to 11-0 behind three touchdown passes by quarterback Kellen Moore. My main man Ian Johnson also had a 66-yard TD run to help the Broncos, who still need Utah to lose in order to become the top non-BCS conference team in the idiotic BCS rankings and thus earn an at-large bid. The supposed big game of the day turned out to be its biggest rout, with the story being written by halftime as Oklahoma throttled, thrashed and ripped Texas Tech 65-21. OU led 42-7 at halftime thanks to a stunning display of offensive power. Texas Tech couldn’t do much right, although its first turnover didn’t come until late in the first half when the Raiders already trailed 35-7. The second half didn’t offer any hope as the Sooners refused to take their foot off the gas pedal. The won going away and in the process threw the BCS into just the type of chaos that might actually inspire a change in the worst championship-determining system anywhere in sports, good times……

- This should fix everything. How can all not be forgiven when a high-end call girl apologizes to the wife of a man she sexed up for money and whose life was basically ruined because of his escapades with her? I say everything should just go back to normal now that Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the hooker-turned-awful-aspiring-pop-singer who hit it with former former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer for $1,000 an hour has apologized to Spitzer’s wife. Dupre says that the FBI informed her in early March that it was investigating one of her clients and that she found out which client it was a few days later when she recognized Spitzer on TV resigning. But being the hooker with a heart of gold she is, Dupre says she was sick seeing the expression on Silda Wall Spitzer's face. "I try not to revisit that place too often, but when I think about his speech, I think of her face, her eyes, the hurt," Dupre said. Yeah, that tends to happen when you hit it with a woman’s husband for money and the world finds out about it. In spite of that, though, I’m sure that you apologizing to Spitzer’s wife for an ABC "20/20" segment that aired Friday. Her message to Silda Wall Spitzer: "I'm sorry for your pain." Not to be critical here, but don’t you mean, “Sorry I took money from your husband and allowed him to do really pervy things to me in the sack,”? Oh, and hearing that you practiced safe sex with all her clients, including Spitzer, that undoubtedly made Mrs. Spitzer feel better too. In case you are wondering what’s next for a disgraced former hooker with aspirations to be the next Britney Spears - you know, no musical talent, sketchy morals, a ravenous appetite for sex with scumbags, etc. Well, Dupre envisions a future for herself in music, fashion and "writing books" -- but not prostitution. "Never again,” she said in regards to the world’s oldest profession. Hmm…..after seeing the interview, I’m going to suggest that you revisit that idea. You are not qualified to write book, you have no musical talent and I’m not sure about the fashion aspect, but I think you’ve proven that you can succeed as a hooker…..

- Judgment may not be one of the life skills that Timothy Allen Hall of Moon Lake, Florida has in abundance. See, Hall decided to take a drive Tuesday night, which ordinarily is not a major cause for concern - unless of course, you are drunk, speeding and have left two young children at home alone. The second of those three errors in judgment was the reason a Florida Highway Patrol trooper pulled Hall over on Lake Drive, but it may end up being the least of his troubles. It was just after 5 p.m., when the trooper pulled Hall over in front of a mobile home. Once again showing that lack of sound judgment, Hall immediately stepped out of the car and the trooper ordered him back inside for "officer safety reasons.” In his first (and possibly only) solid choice of the night, Hall complied and began fumbling through his glove box while apologizing and explaining he just ran out to take out the trash. When the trooper finally approached the car, she smelled a strong odor of alcohol coming from Hall. Additionally, he was unable to produce his license, registration or proof of insurance. Stunningly, when the trooper ran his license, she learned it had been suspended numerous times for several violations, including driving under the influence. Had things ended there, it would have already been a really, really bad night for Hall. But no, dude had to show his limited mental faculties again, asking the trooper if he could check on his two children inside the home they were parked in front of. She asked whether they were alone and rather than answering the questions directly, Hall repeated that he had only run out to put out the trash. At that moment, yup, you guessed it….cue the entry of a crying, distraught little girl. At almost the exact same time, the front door of the house opened and a young girl stood inside crying. For some odd reason, the trooper was suspicious and went inside and to find a house that was a mess. Then, in a moment you might not see anywhere outside of Britney Spears’ home, one of the two children, who turned 2 on Tuesday, walked out of his bedroom with a pack of Newport cigarettes in hand and one dangling from his mouth while he chewed on it. If that wasn’t bad enough, the 5-year-old girl who had stepped out of the front door hugged the trooper and cried, asking through tears when she could get her dad out of jail. Oops, that’s not good. But wait, there’s more! The girl then told the trooper that her father didn't have a driver's license and had left them home alone before. Double oops! But wait, there’s more! Searching the house, the trooper also found marijuana in Hall's bedroom. Hey, I’m sure there’s a good excuse for that, right? Well, no and no. According to the police report, Hall told the trooper that he and his girlfriend smoke it but “that was all old.” Sorry bro, but your weed being “old” doesn’t make it any less illegal. The legality of pot isn’t determined by age; it doesn’t become legal at a certain point in the aging process. So what was the end result of this evening of criminal chicanery? Well, Hall was arrested on three failure to appear warrants, which stem from worthless checks charges, driving with a suspended or revoked license with knowledge, drunken driving and child neglect charges. All told, a solid collection of evidence that not everyone is qualified to be a parent….or a human being, for that matter…..

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