- Being married to Danny Bonaduce? Painful. Getting a divorce from Danny Bonaduce? Costly. The value of finally being free from a ‘roid-raging, egomaniacal lunatic with subpar acting skills? Just about $16,000 a month, from what I can tell. That’s based on the fact that a Los Angeles judge has signed off on the a deal officially and legally ending Bonaduce's nearly 18-year marriage. For that privilege, Bonaduce will pay $16,000 a month to his ex-wife, Gretchen, for spousal and child support. Additionally, the two of them will retain joint custody of their children, who are 14 and 7 years old. Maybe I’m just being overly analytical here, but perhaps placing an already frayed marriage at the center of a reality TV show isn’t the smartest move. In case you missed it (and judging by the ratings, most of you did), the marriage was the subject of the reality show, “Breaking Bonaduce,” on VH1. When you add that to the fact that Bonaduce is a former child star's and drug addict, hard to see where things went wrong, eh? But hey, I’m sure my man D. Bonaduce has to be thrilled with this outcome, what with him keeping the rights to sell a show called, “The Next Mrs. Bonaduce.” Good to see you take marriage so seriously, bro. What says “I want to make my relationships work” quite like searching for a new woman via reality TV? I say all of this hoping I never come face to face with Bonaduce because he’s clearly a ‘roid-head who might snap me in half, but something tells me that dude’s life is not on the right track…..
- This is not something you would hope for, not when your football team is underperforming and failing to live up to expectations following a breakout season. As his team sits at 5-4, University of Illinois head coach Ron Zook is dealing with an off-the-field issue with one of his regular running backs for the second straight week. And when I say an off-the-field issue, of course I mean that one of Zook’s running backs will be missing Illinois’ game today against Western Michigan because one of his teammates cold-cocked him in the face and broke his jaw. What else would I be referring to? This incident comes even as the Illini try to end a two-week slump in the running game, but they’ll have to do so without
freshman Mikel LeShoure, who will miss the game because of a broken jaw suffered in a brawl with a teammate. “I’m very disappointed something like this has occurred,” coach Ron Zook said in a statement. “We have investigated the incident and will deal with it internally.” So far, the identity of the other player was not made known, but we do know that the incident took place last Saturday, a few hours after LeShoure carried five times for 11 yards in the Illini's 27-24 victory over Iowa. Maybe the unidentified teammate thought he should have gained more yards, perhaps 12 yards on five carries? Here’s what I do know, though: when you are 5-4 and struggling to become bowl-eligible, you should not be jacking up your teammates because 1) it’s a garbage thing to do, and 2) at this point, anyone who might be able to help you win is valuable. Stop hitting each other and start hitting the other team, it might do you some good……
- Boy, Italian mobsters just ain’t what they used to be. Italian organized crime was once the gold standard for mobsters, the guys that everyone else looked to as the blueprint for how to structure and operate their own organized crime syndicate. Now? Now, we have Italian mobsters getting popped by the police in a private Italian plastic surgery clinic following liposuction surgery. After spending more than a year on the run, eluding the authorities, mobster Domenico Magnoli slipped up and was finally captured after waking up in his room following surgery and finding police officers surrounding his bed, waiting to arrest him. The plainclothes officers posed as visitors, carrying flowers and boxes of chocolates to greet Magnoli after he underwent to remove fat from his thighs and stomach. Vanity will get ya every time, Domeinco, every time. Nothing like just waking up in a groggy haze and getting arrested. And what was he arrested for? Rest assured, it was a good one. Paramilitary Carabinieri police in Cosenza say that they popped Magnoli on a French warrant for alleged drug trafficking. In addition to being pudgy and very vain, Magnoli also allegedly has links to the Piromalli crime clan in the 'ndrangheta syndicate, an organization He had been a fugitive for which operates cocaine and other drug trafficking rings between South America and Western Europe. Ironic, isn’t it, that such a sophisticated, powerful crime syndicate can have people running it who can be so careless and reckless while knowing that they are being chased by the authorities. I mean, maybe you have plastic surgery to alter your appearance, change your face so you can evade the police, but lipo? That’s just sad……
- Morons aren’t just on MySpace; no, Facebook has its share of them too. While MySpace still has a choke hold on the pedophile demographic, Facebook may have taken the lead in racist idiots. As Exhibit A, take
Caitlin Davis, 18, the now-former New England Patriots cheerleader who lost her job after turning up on Facebook in pictures showing her holding a Sharpie marker up to an unconscious man with offensive graffiti all over him, including two swastikas and crude drawings of male genitalia. Davis was kicked off the team of glorified strippers/cheerleaders after her pictures came to the team’s attention. They were taken at a Halloween party at Boston College, one that was a lot more trick for Davis than it was treat. “Me and my girls left the dorm and went to another house and came back to the kid passed out on the futon we were suppose to sleep on,” Davis said in an interview. “The guys ended up drawing more on him due to the fact that he was the first one to pass out on Halloween night...at the time I had jumped in the picture with the kid. I didn't realize what had been drawn on him, which I take responsibility for not being alert.” Nice cover, but no. Not being alert? Try drunk and or/high on something, given the way Halloween parties on any college campus tend to go. Either way, next time you probably want to check and make sure that when you’re clowning some dude who has passed out and posing for pictures with him, he doesn’t have offensive emblems on his face that represent the slaughter of 6 million Jewish people. Clearly the
Patriots did not find the photos so amusing, because they wasted no time in getting rid of Davis. “She is no longer with the squad,” said Stacey James, a spokesman for the team. Well, those things tend to happen when you hire girls straight out of high school based on their ability to dance and fill out a skin-tight uniform. Still, it’s a devastating end to a cheerleading career that began because, in Davis’ words, she wanted
to become a Patriot cheerleader because of community service, which she also did "growing up with my church youth group. In addition to spreading a good image for the Patriots, you do some good things for others," she stated during tryouts. Well, you certainly did serve others….with plenty of laughs at you for being a moron, that is. Johnson & Wales University, where Davis is currently a freshman, must be very proud……..
-This really isn’t going to turn around, is it? O.J. Simpson is really not going to go free and he’s actually going to jail for a crime he committed? Wow. Allow me a moment while that sinks in so I can process it and come to grips with that startling reality……….okay, I think I can continue. Let’s take a trip to Las Vegas, where the Juice has been denied in his motion for a new trial. The decision came down from Judge Jackie Glass, who said that she had studied the motions for a new trial by Simpson and his co-defendants and denied them all. Ouch, Your Honor, that’s harsh. Am I to understand that you’re not bound by that deal the Juice has with the devil that basically absolves him of the blame for any crime committed here on this Earth?
Clearly not, because in the first court proceeding since Simpson and co-defendant Clarence Stewart were convicted on 12 criminal counts, things decidedly did not go their way. Attorneys for both men complained to Glass that their clients were not allowed to wear suits to court and were instead dressed in the blue uniforms of the Clark County Detention Center. Yeah, because that would have made a world of difference, counselors. Actually, what would have made a difference was if any of the seven issues you raised in your motion for a new trial, including errors during jury selection, not allowing full cross-examination of witnesses and not allowing the defense to present their theory of the case through jury instructions, had any merit. Also helpful would be if your clients weren’t 100 percent guilty of the crimes with which they were charged, that probably would have been good. But alas, the first step in a post-conviction process that will take its next turn at sentencing in December was another bad day for the Juice. Expect more of those as his defense team is likely to file an emergency appeal on the matter with the Nevada Supreme Court, a motion that will almost certainly be denied. Whatever happens in between now and sentencing on December 5, just brace yourself for the bizarre sight of one Orenthal James Simpson actually being convicted of a crime and sent to prison for the rest of his life……
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