- Did I miss something? Is it suddenly wrong for an elementary school teacher to punch a student? Wow. The world sure has changed, and I for one do not feel good about living in a world where a teacher cannot just haul off and deck an 8-year-old, especially when you just know that 8-year-old did at least five things to deserve being punched. Corporal punishment can take lots of different forms, folks, not just whacking a kid over the knuckles with a ruler. David Adam Grant (if I know your full name, never a good sign) understands this vital educational principle, because he is the man who had the balls to wind up his fists of fury and punch an 8-year-old student in the face earlier this month at Sunland Elementary School in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Authorities allege that Grant "hit the 8-year-old student around his left eye with a loosely closed fist, causing a bruise over his right eye.” A bruise? That’s it? And we’re pissed at this guy? Isn’t that what they teach all education majors, that at the first hint of trouble, you sock a kid in the face? No? When did that change? Hang on….so you’re telling me that it’s now generally unacceptable to hit or otherwise physically assault students? Jeez, that sucks, especially for someone like Grant, who is/was an art teacher at the school. Art teachers at elementary schools are basically guaranteed day after day of messes, disasters, mini-explosions of paint, glue, glitter and other supplies. They probably need more patience than any teacher in any subject at any age in the educational system. That being said, if you can’t refrain from punching Joey in the face when he pisses you off, you probably should not be an elementary school art teacher. Just a thought, a way to help you avoid facing child abuse charges, as Grant now does. I’m here to help, people……
- Everyone, it’s time to start loving women’s professional tennis again. I know, we’ve all been able to take a few months off with the smokin’ hot Maria Sharapova out of action due to a shoulder injury. When I can’t watch a leggy, blond 6-foot-tall Russian bombshell bounce around the court, my interest in this particular sport wanes quickly, so I honestly can’t tell you a single freaking thing that has happened since Sharapova last played in July. She missed the Beijing Olympics and the U.S. Open, and so did I when it comes to women’s tennis. However, her agent says that my girl Maria is on track for a return to the court in the Australian Open, which starts Jan. 19. Actually, she plans to be back on the court before then, with agent Max Eisenbud saying this week that Sharapova expects to return to action in January at the exhibition event in Hong Kong she usually plays prior to the Aussie Open. Missing the U.S. Open in 2008 ended her streak of 23 consecutive major tournaments. But I am totally pumped for a return to caring about women’s pro tennis in January, and I’m sure a lot of you will want to join me in readying yourselves over the next two months or so to ensure that we are all ready to give Maria a great welcome when she steps back on the court in January…..
- Memo to those out there considering assassinating your spouse, especially if planning to do so by poisoning them to death: destroy the evidence. That should go without saying, but this week I was once again reminded that there are those out there who are so IQ-deprived that I need to remind them of things in this world that should be blatantly obvious. Among those tools are David Steeves of Riverhead, N.Y., a man who stands accused of killing his wife by dosing her coffee with a potassium cyanide. Ambitious as far as assassination attempts on spouses go, plenty of ingenuity….but for God’s sake, don’t leave evidence lying around in places the cops are sure to find it without much effort. That’s the part of the plan where Steeves fell short, leaving a terrorist poisoning manual on his laptop. Uh oh! I shouldn’t have to tell you this, David, but when your wife dies under suspicious circumstances, an autopsy is going to be performed. That autopsy will turn up the cause of death and when they find out it was poisoning, they’re going to ask questions and you are going to be a prime suspect. Thus, if you are dumb enough to leave a terrorist poisoning manual on your lapper, you’re going to get caught. So go ahead and plead not guilty to upgraded murder charges, as you did on Monday in Suffolk County Court, but expect to be convicted anyhow. Oh, and all of this advice is amplified by the fact that you and your wife Maureen were estranged. That’s going to make the police even more suspicious. According to Suffolk Assistant District Attorney Janet Albertson, investigators found an electronic copy of "The Mujahideen Poisons Handbook" on the Steeves’ computer. Oh, and you probably shouldn’t have handed police a seven-page written confession when you were arrested, only to have your attorney claim it was coerced. Now I doubt you’re going to have the chance to attempt murder on another wife (allegedly) in the future, but in case you do, keep these things in mind…..
- Pervy scumbag, party of one please. That party would consist of John Valdez, a now-former University of Illinois gymnastics coach who has been charged with secretly videotaping a gymnast in a campus locker room. Valdez, who coached American gymnast who coached Justin Spring at the Beijing Olympics, has been charged with one count of unauthorized videotaping, a Class 4 felony that carries a potential sentence of one to three years in prison. The pervy activity in question occurred when a gymnast training on Sept. 25 with Valdez in the gym used by the men's gymnastics team noticed a handheld video camera partially hidden under a T-shirt in an open locker. Hmm…..coincidence? I think not. What to do when you find what you suspect to be an intrusive, illegal attempt to invade your privacy? The logical thing, especially if it’s not your home gym, is to report it to your coach. That is just what the gymnast, who is a student at UI, did. The gymnast’s identity is being protected, for obvious reasons, but what we do know is that the camera was reported to Valdez. However, when the gymnast followed up later with campus police to find out where the case stood, the police stated that the incident had never been reported to them. Now that they did have knowledge of it, they began investigating and when they searched Valdez's Urbana home, they found the camera used in the locker room filming. “The images had been deleted, but the technicians were able to restore the deleted images,” Champaign County State's Attorney Julia Rietz said. What those images contain isn’t known, but Valdez is scheduled to appear in court in Urbana on Dec. 12. He resigned from his coaching post at the university a couple months ago, and to make life even better for him, he also faces a drunken driving charge in Waukesha County in Wisconsin after a Sept. 18 arrest. So not only is he a major perv (allegedly), he’s also a drunk driver and an all-around scumbag, good times……
- Prior to reading this next bit of news, I believed that NBC had one good show on its airwaves: Heroes. After reading this story, I can say with confidence that NBC has one good show on its airwaves and now what could be the worst, most unwatchable show on TV. I can say that because on Wednesday nights, at least for a solid 2-3 weeks until this abortion of a show is canceled, you can turn on NBC and see the most crass, un-funny, obnoxious, classless, foul-mouthed, angry-lesbian-minded “entertainer” in all of show business, the uber-fat, uber-ugly Rosie O’Fat, er, O’Donnell. Yes, NBC has inexplicably handed an hour of its air time each week to that fat, ugly, rude and loud-mouthed slob O’Fat, allowing her to host what the network is terming “a reinvention of the traditional variety hour.” And yes, as that description would imply, the show will (I’m cringing as I write this) feature a song-and-dance number with O’Fat and Liza Minnelli, performances by Ne-Yo and Alanis Morissette, and appearances by Kathy Griffin, Alec Baldwin and Jane Krakowski. Why any network would think putting a rotund, abrasive, irritating slob who can neither sing nor dance on screen to sing and dance is beyond me, and adding a freak show like Liza Minelli to the mix isn’t going to help. Oh, and Alanis Morissette? What is this, 1995? You’re telling me an hour of The Office reruns wouldn’t be better than this? Heck, digging out decade-old episodes of Friends and showing them would be better than this nightmare……
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