- On the list of things to do when your football team is 4-6, thoroughly under-performing and failing to meet even the most realistic expectations for its current season, sending obscene emails to fans to hit you up with critical messages has to be pretty low. Guess Cleveland Browns general manager Phil Savage didn’t get that memo, because during the team's Monday night game against the Buffalo Bills, when a fan sent a disparaging e-mail to Savage, he fired back with a message containing an expletive (four letters, begins with “f”) in response. News of the exchange has been flying around since Monday night and yesterday, Browns coach Romeo Crennel confirmed the reports. Crennel said he spoke with Savage and tried to defend his GM’s indefensible actions. “We all get frustrated at times,” Crennel said. “Phil generally, like the rest of us, tries to be professional and hold it in. But sometimes some things slip out. It's unfortunate that it slipped out. Tough times, tough things happen. I'm sure that if we had it to do over again we'd do it a little bit differently.” Yes and no. Everyone makes mistakes, but that guy, in that position, can’t make THAT mistake. When you in that high-profile of a spot, you have to be above being baited into an “f’you” argument with a fan - via email, no less. You’re supposed to be the team’s highest-ranking executive, a man with a steady hand who is smart, savvy and doesn’t rattle easily. Getting hooked by some idiot fan in a 1987 Berne Kosar No. 19 jersey who paints his face orange and brown and barks like a dog doesn’t speak well of your ability to handle adversity, Phil. But right now, that’s exactly what your team needs after a tumultuous season in which Savage has involved in a dispute with Pro Bowl tight end Kellen Winslow, who criticized the club for its handling of a three-day hospitalization for a staph infection and in which the team has undergone a quarterback change. Getting into pissing contests with players and fans is a waste of your time, P. Eyes on the prize, because if you can’t get this train back on the tracks, soon enough it won't be your prize to keep your eyes on any longer and you’ll be in need of a new gig.….
- Lots of success in collecting this judgment, governments in Southern California. A $101 million judgment has been levied against a "nature-loving" homeless man who started two California wildfires, including one of the largest fires in state history. Steven Emory Butcher has also been sentenced to nearly four years in federal prison, but the ginormous fine is the real story here. Yes, Butcher was convicted in February of starting the 2006 Day Fire in Los Padres National Forest at his campsite in Piru Canyon. Yes, the fire did rage for an entire month and is listed as California's fifth largest wildfire, having burned more than 162,000 acres and cost more than $78 million to fight. However, the economics here don’t quite line up. Dude is homeless and he’s now going to prison, so how is he going to pay? I mean, the 15 cents an hour he makes working in the prison laundry room isn’t exactly going to cover that debt, is it? And once he gets out, how much money is a homeless ex-con really going to be able to earn? Unless he befriends Warren Buffett or Bill Gates some time in the next few years and they decide to float him a loan, that $101 million isn’t getting paid. If I’m Butcher, I’m not even fazed by it because the amount is so absurd that there is no way he can pay it, so why worry? During his sentencing hearing Monday, Butcher did attempt to defend himself, telling the judge that he “threw a cigarette butt or two on the pile,” and that he “tried everything to put it out. I'm afraid of fire. I hid up there for days afterward watching the animals running scared around me.” Of course, he is also the man who was convicted of causing the 2002 Ellis Fire that burned about 70 acres of the same forest, so sympathy is not something he’s likely to receive much of from anyone but me. I feel bad for the guy because he suffers from paranoid schizophrenia, depression and alcoholism and clearly has a lot of issues to deal with. Yes, we all want someone to blame for disasters like these fires, but this is a guy whose mind just does not work right and in spite of what he’s done, I for one hope he receives the treatment he needs and is able to overcome his many demons…..
- Note to self…..before carjacking someone, check to see whether the car I am about to steal is a stick shift or automatic transmission. Thanks to David D. Collins (if I know your middle initial, that’s not a good sign) of Kansas City, Mo., I will be sure to check on that sort of thing next time I pull a gun on someone and attempt to steal their vehicle. See, Collins and an unidentified partner in crime approached a woman around 11 p.m. Monday as she left a coffee shop and asked to use her cell phone. After making several calls, Collins pointed a gun at the victim and demanded money. Once the woman got out of her car at Collins’ demand, he got into the driver’s seat, where things went horribly wrong. According to the police report, “Collins attempted to drive away by initially backing out of the parking spot but failed to put into gear because he couldn’t drive a stick shift.” After that, both Collins and his cohort ran away and committed a second robbery nearby as a woman was entering her dorm room at the University of Missouri-Kansas City. Obviously, they were intent on stealing something from someone that night and weren’t going to stop until they succeeded. “Dude, we came out tonight to steal something. Now dammit, I don’t care if it’s a car, a purse or a Snickers bar from the 7/11 on the corner, we’re thieving something!” But maybe these two mental midgets should have stopped after the failed carjacking attempt, because shortly after their second robbery attempt of the night, they were arrested. Now, they are facing criminal charges for both crimes and it’s going to be hard to argue that they are innocent, solid guys when they had a night like this one. Yet it all could have been averted if only they had been smart enough to steal a car that they were capable of driving…..
- Wow. Quite an episode of Smallville tonight. All of it centered on the wedding between Jimmy Olsen and Chloe Sullivan, to take place at the Kent Farm, of all places. The one downside was that the episode went with the burst-of-action-at-the-start, then flashback setup, which I despise. Nothing kills an exciting episode quite like showing something that happens in the present then spending an entire hour working back to that point and knowing where the episode will end within the first three minutes. So in this recap, I’ll go the straight chronological route…..the day began with Lois trying to turn the Kent Farm into a suitable place for a wedding. It was never explained why Chloe and Jimmy couldn’t find a church to get married in instead of a barn, but whatever. As the barn was hit with lights, flowers, floor coverings, pews, chairs and other wedding decorations, Lois was busy assigning code names to everyone and communicating via walkie talkie and cell phone to make sure that everyone involved in the wedding was doing his or her job. For one of Jimmy’s friends, that meant being the wedding videographer and capturing all of the action, with ostensibly his footage being used for many scenes in place of the normal, high-end camera footage for TV shows in order to give it a more realistic feel. For Jimmy, doing his job meant tracking down his missing bow tie back at he and Chloe’s apartment above the Talon. That ended up putting him in an awkward spot when he saw Chloe a few hours before the wedding and helping her put on her garter belt following some reassurance from his bride-to-be that no wedding day jinxes or bad luck would doom their love. With his confidence bolstered, Jimmy returned to the farm and got ready for his big day. Chloe had her own adversity to deal with in the form of Davis Bloome, the paramedic/future destroyer of Earth from Krypton, a.k.a. Doomsday, who has fallen for her and while slowly turning into a monstrous alien being capable of mass destruction, has also been trying to convince Chloe not to marry Jimmy and to be with him instead. Davis keeps calling Chloe throughout the day and when she doesn’t answer, Davis experiences more of the blackouts he’s been having, this one ending in him disposing of bags full of blood and bloody remains in a dumpster behind the hospital. People seem to get hurt and/or killed every time he has a blackout, but this one takes a turn for the worse when a security guard finds Davis with his bloody trash bags and confronts him. That brings out the inner alien creature in Davis, a huge, hulking, black monster with a spiky, distorted face and frame. That portends doom (pun intended) for the wedding, which is also filled with drama not involving the bride and groom. As Clark tries to help prepare for the ceremony, he gets a visit from Oliver Queen/Green Arrow, who informs him that by tracing emails sent to new LuthorCorp CEO Tess Mercer from ghost servers around the world, he has been able to track Lex Luthor, who hasn’t been seen alive since last season’s finale. But every time Oliver flies to the place where the emails originate, the building has been stripped clean and there is no trace of anyone, especially not Lex. Oliver tries to talk Clark into using his super speed to rush to the next location an email is sent from, an offer Clark initially refuses because he has to be there to give Chloe away on her wedding day. But when reminded that while Chloe may no longer know his secret because of Jor-El’s mind erase last episode, Lex still does know who Clark really is, CK springs into action and super speeds to swipe a router that the most recent email from Lex came from. Back in Smallville, Clark visits Oliver in the cabin of his private jet, sitting on the runway and ready for takeoff. But Clark refuses to hand over the router until after the wedding to make sure that he can go on the mission with Oliver and make certain that Oliver’s motivation for finding Lex is because of how dangerous Lex is, both to Clark and the world, and not just to get revenge for Lex’s father Lionel killing Oliver’s parents. However, what CK doesn’t know is that one of Oliver’s tech wizards is in the next section of the plane, scanning the routing with wireless technology and pulling off all the pertinent info. With that information, Oliver heads to Cuba, where the last email originated. He raids a warehouse (why is it always a dirty warehouse in these situations?) and spots a figure that looks like Lex by a window and puts an arrow through the person’s eye. Only it isn’t Lex, but rather a mannequin with a note attached to it, saying, “Sorry I missed you.” after reading it, Oliver is attacked by none other than Lana Lang (the still uber-hot Kristin Kreuk). She claims to be tracking Lex and trying to protect Clark, just like Oliver, who suggests that they join forces. He also suggests that she return for Chloe’s wedding, insisting it’s the sort of thing that Clark would do. Lana capitulates and returns with Oliver, walking into the wedding just as Clark and Lois are about to share a romantic first kiss on the dance floor (well, they kissed before when Clark was posing as Green Arrow to help out Oliver, but this would have been their first official kiss). Lana’s arrival creates a buzz in the room and the kiss will have to wait, as Lois is clearly crushed by seeing Clark react to Lana’s return. However, a talk between CK and Lana in his barn loft, where they have shared so many moments, brings closure to their relationship instead of reviving it. Lana tells him that knowing his secret and dealing with it brought her to where she is now and that she wouldn’t change any of it - but also that although neither of them can admit it, maybe they weren’t meant to be together. Meanwhile, Lois pours out her heart to her own ex, Oliver, who tells her that Clark needs her just as much as she needs him. All of this is put on hold when Davis/Doomsday shows up at the wedding, literally crashing the party, destroying the barn and maiming people left and right. Jimmy is badly injured trying to defend Chloe, his new bride, and Clark takes a hit as well. He actually lands in the loft next to an exposed piece of meteor rock, rendering him helpless until Lana finds him and one more time, saves him by closing on the box the rock is in. Clark recovers, but it’s too late. Oliver comes up to the loft and informs him that “it” has taken Chloe. Later, at the hospital, Lois is devastated and consoled by Clark over Chloe’s disappearance. Lana sends Clark off to save the day, saying there is nothing else he can do to help her. Jimmy is in need of serious surgery and air-lifted to Star City to see a specialist, while Clark and Oliver begin trying to track down Chloe. The final image of the episode is a creepy one….Lex’s silhouette, hooked up to all sorts of wires and tubes, running into his body and especially his head, as he sits in a chair and watches video footage from the wedding. That image follows a text message to Lana at the wedding, asking, “Did the Archer (Green Arrow) believe you?” How Lex got the footage, where he is and how or why Lana would work with him, as is being implied, is bizarre and intriguing. But answers won't be coming until January 15, when Smallville returns from its holiday hiatus. So until then……
- Florida may not have had a major crisis and been the focal point of a close, contested election this year as it was in 2008, but that doesn’t mean voters in the Sunshine State didn’t prove that they are, by and large, morons. In 2000, some Floridians were befuddled by their ballots and the voting process, but this year, having some of those people confused and unable to register a vote would have been helpful. Why? Well, a look at the votes from some 736 voters in Duval County provides ample evidence. While I understand being underwhelmed by the two main choices on the presidential ballot and didn’t vote for either Obama or McCain, I also didn’t write in a totally ridiculous name, as did those idiots in Duval County. Who got those write-in votes? Well, let’s look at the breakdown: 23 - NONE OF THE ABOVE, 23 - JESUS, 6 - GOD, 5 - UNDECIDED, 4 - BISHOP V.M. MCLAUGHLEN, 4 - OBAMA, 4 - STEVEN COLBERT, 3 - DONALD DUCK, 3 - MICKEY MOUSE, 2 - BILL COSBY, 2 - BILL NYE, 2 - CHUCK NORRIS, 2 - GEORGE W BUSH, 2 - TIM TEBOW. So allow me to break those down: as for “none of the above,” if you don’t like any of the above, leave that portion of the ballot blank, ass clown, we’ll get the message; God/Jesus: while the Almighty would be a solid choice for president, He has bigger things to worry about and isn’t an official U.S. resident, thus ineligible for the office; Bishop V.M. McLaughlen: I don’t know him, but your pastor at your local church probably isn’t going to win any elections; Obama: are you kidding me? Obama is on the freaking ballot, just check the box beside his name, Barack Obama, you tool! Write-ins are for people NOT ALREADY ON THE BALLOT; Stephen Colbert: I love Colbert and his show is hilarious, but he’s a talk show host and ran a fake presidential campaign, it wasn’t real; Donald Duck/Mickey Mouse: one doesn’t wear pants ever and the other one is a giant rodent, need I say more?; Bill Cosby/Bill Nye: a television dad/pudding pitch man and a TV kids’ show scientist? Did you just flip through your TiVo and write down the first name you saw and then filled it in on your ballot?; Chuck Norris: dude brings the pain, but kicking ass on a TV show that was mediocre even back in the 1990s doesn’t qualify one for the nation’s highest office; Tim Tebow: either those two votes were from drunk University of Florida students or from knobs who don’t know that you must be 35 to run for president, either way, these two should be hunted down and deported; but most offensive are the two votes for W. Anyone who believes that man should be elected to any office following the abortion of a reign he’s had in the Oval Office the past eight years needs to be beaten and tortured in the most inhumane way possibly, then put out of their misery and removed from the gene pool. So thanks for proving that you’re still an election punchline, Florida, it wouldn’t have been the same without you…….
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