Jack Daniels has a terrible Thanksgiving, Vince Vaughn's new movie blows and Roid-ger Clemens is persona non grata at his own charity golf tournament

- No matter how bad you think your Thanksgiving was, I can almost guarantee it wasn’t worse than the Thanksgiving of Jack Daniels (no, not that Jack Daniels) of Canton, Mass. While the worst part of your holiday may have been spending a day with relatives whose faces you’d like to punch, Daniels spent most of his Turkey Day in the hospital after being hit by a train late in the morning. Daniels was crossing the tracks at the Canton Junction Station about 11:20 a.m. Thursday when he was hit by a northbound Amtrak Acela train heading from New York to Boston which was speeding by at 90 mph. The collision is one that probably should have killed Daniels, but somehow he managed to survive with back injuries and a few other minor injuries that are not considered life-threatening. As you might expect, in the moments following the collisions, Daniels was in shock and didn’t even realize what had happened to him. “I said, 'Sir, you just got hit by a train.' He says, 'No, I didn't.' I go, 'Yes, you did,' and I put my arms around him ... and he goes, 'Where's my teeth?' and his back was ripped, all the way down,” witness Dave Fortin said. Actually, Daniels refused to lie down in the aftermath and was instead intent on finding his teeth, which had been knocked out during the accident (he is 61 years old, so there’s a decent chance he has false teeth, which would make sense). Once paramedics arrived on the scene, Daniels was flown to Massachusetts General Hospital with several non-life-threatening injuries. And why did the man try to cross the railroad tracks? To get to the other side…..for a cup of coffee. Yes, Daniels told onlookers he tried the dangerous crossing because he wanted to get a cup of coffee at a nearby shop. How much time did he have to make the crossing? Not much, according to MBTA Transit Police Sgt. Preston Horton. “It comes very, very fast. He probably had about a second, a second and a half, to make a decision," Horton said. He also went on to point out that the transit authority has signs, big yellow lines and other measures designed to warn and prevent people from crossing the tracks, yet individuals like Daniels still choose to trespass. So I’m glad to hear that Daniels survived this ordeal, but the fact is that this is all on him and you can’t really feel sorry for him because he knew full well the danger he was walking into by breaking the law and stepping out onto the train tracks with a train coming. What, you couldn’t wait one minute for the train to pass? Learn your lesson and don’t repeat this incident, J.D…….

- Bet Kanye West is glad he doesn’t live in Myanmar. West blasted our government for its response to Hurricane Katrina, leading to the infamous “W. hates black people” comment. Now, a well-known Burmese comic finds himself sentenced to an additional 14 years in prison this week, on top of the 45 he was already facing, for criticized the government of Myanmar’s response to the cyclone that struck the country in May. In the interviews, the comedian and activist known as Zarganar said the government was too slow in responding to a May cyclone that killed more than 84,000 people (not sure, but I don’t think he said that the country’s ruling military junta hates black people). Those comments were enough to prompt a court inside Myanmar's notorious Insein prison to sentence Zarganar to 14 more years behind bars on Thursday, bringing his total prison term to 59 years. It hasn’t been a stellar two weeks for him, as he was given a 45-year prison sentence last week after he was convicted on charges related to interviews he gave to foreign media outlets. All of this comes because Myanmar's military, which has held power since 1962, is a full of dictatorial ass hats who tolerate no dissent. The government regularly arrests artists and entertainers regarded as enemies of the regime, and it has been on the war path against dissenters since Buddhist monks led pro-democracy protests in September 2007. At present, the government holds more than 2,100 political prisoners, up 75 percent from the nearly 1,200 it held in June 2007. The convictions against Zarganar convicted Thursday stem from charges of causing public alarm, a reference to his interviews with foreign media, and for communicating with exiled dissidents, among other charges. As with many entertainers, he has a stage name, Zarganar, and a real name, Maung Thura, but by any name he is among at least 100 people to be dicked over by one of the world worst, most oppressive governments and receive a sentence of two to 65 years in prison since early November. To top it off, many of the trials were held in closed sessions, often without defense lawyers or family present. In other words, they were trials so much as informative meetings to tell the accused not whether they had been found guilty but merely how long they were going away for. So no, I don’t think the government of Myanmar hates black people, I think it hates people in general, at least those with the heart and balls to speak out against its idiotic ways…..

- Hope you all are very happy with yourself, Wal-Mart shoppers in Valley Stream, New York. In the onrush of idiots that occurs every Friday after Thanksgiving, millions of maniacal, overzealous, frenzied a-holes who are willing to do anything and everything to one another, fellow shoppers and even themselves in order to save a few bucks on their Christmas shopping at the price of their dignity and self-respect storm their local mall, superstores, etc. They push, pull, grab, jostle, elbow and generally assault anyone who gets in their way, but at the Wal-Mart in Valley Stream, the throng of eager shoppers who bum-rushed the store when its doors opened at 5 a.m. took things to a disturbing new low. as the shoppers crammed into the store in a giant, rabid mass of humanity, a Wal-Mart employee was knocked to the ground and suffered an apparent heart attack. The man was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. Not only that, four others were hurt in the stampede, one of them a 28-year-old pregnant woman. Thankfully she and her baby are fine, but the people involved in this debacle need to stop and take a long, hard look at themselves. Trampling people to death, causing a man to have a heart attack and running roughshod over a pregnant woman, all in the name of….what? A few dollars off an iPod nano? The best price on a George Foreman grill or Tickle Me Elmo? Yeah, because that’s worth someone dying and have an unborn child possibly suffer serious harm. Because of your idiotic actions, one man is dead and the store was closed to incoming shoppers following the incident. Thanks for reminding me why I steered clear of civilization, anything remotely resembling a store and specifically ass hats like you people on Friday…..

- Hmm, this is curious. Why would baseball legend Roger Clemens be asked to end his involvement with a charity golf tournament he has hosted for four years? What could prompt a charitable cause to tell one of the best pitchers in the history of baseball to take a hike and disassociate himself with an event specifically designed to raise money for it? Oh yeah, it’s because Clemens is a complete ‘roid-head, a man who was named in the Mitchell report as such and who went before Congress and made a total fool of himself trying to lie, er, defend his way out of the mess he’s made. So even though Clemens helped raise millions of dollars for charities associated with the event, the Giff Nielsen Day of Golf for Kids was held Nov. 11 at Houston's Shadow Hawk Golf Club without him. “Roger Clemens is no longer affiliated with the tournament," the organizers of the even said in a statement. “We decided we would go our separate ways until his off-field stuff is settled.” Um, good luck on that, because he’s “off-field stuff” will be settled right around the second week of never. But hey, we still have Clemens’ continued denials that he ever used performance-enhancing drugs since he was identified in former U.S. Sen. George Mitchell's report on drug use in baseball. Then again, we also have mountains of evidence, circumstantial and otherwise, to say otherwise. Y’know, stuff like his former trainer, Brian McNamee, claiming he injected Clemens with steroids and human growth hormone. Oh, and there’s that tiny matter of federal prosecutors also looking into whether Clemens committed perjury when he testified under oath in front of a congressional committee that he never used performance-enhancing drugs. This is a whole lot of drama and smoke for a man who claims that the steroids fire currently burning down the legacy of his career doesn’t really exist…..

- Call me crazy and demanding, but if I’m going to pay $10 to go see a movie, I want more than 89 minutes of action and I want something better than a low-brow, lowest-common-denominator comedy. That’s what you’re getting if you go see Four Christmases, the holiday-themed flick starring Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn. The two play a couple who makes a point of leaving town every Christmas to head somewhere tropical, only this year all flights out of town are canceled and their families spot them on TV in one of those oh, so predictable reports from news stations about holiday travel that show holiday travelers fighting the long lines at airports. With their plan to leave town foiled, they must instead put in a yuletide visit to each of their divorced parents. What I think is supposed to happen is lots of laughs courtesy of four separate visits to homes filled with nutty, oddball characters. What actually does happen is a string of lame jokes, bargain-basement humor and a lot of bad comedy movie clichés in a film whose only saving grace is that it isn’t long enough to fully torture you with its awfulness. While each nightmare household Vaughn and Witherspoon visit has a wacky flavor all its own, but none of them are actually that funny. You have many of the typical characters you’d expect to see in this type of movie, actors like Jon Favreau (as Vaughn's mohawked sociopath brother) and Mary Steenburgen (as Witherspoon's pious mother). Vaughn’s nerotic, overly talkative character doesn’t do much to move the plot along or keep things interesting, and just as you might suspect from the previews, this is a movie you can more than afford to miss. Light your money on fire and shove your head into a running washing machine, I can guarantee it’ll be more fun than paying to see this piece of crap…..

Riot Watch! in Thailand, a cheesy byproduct making Washington roads safer and the New York Knicks in turmoil

- Who knew that the waste from dairy farms could be so helpful to motorists? No, the moo-cow refuse isn’t being turned into some sort of alternative fuel; it’s being turned into a substance being used to make icy roads safer this winter for drivers in the state of Washington. Some state transportation officials who like to think they are comedians in the making are calling it free whey for the freeway. To be fair, it’s not exactly whey, but rather the wastewater byproduct amassed by dairy farms after they use salt to separate curds and whey during the cheese-making process. In the past, this waste would end up in Puget Sound after being dumped in Seattle sewers, but it is now being donated to the state Department of Transportation by the Darigold dairy farm conglomerate. The company has part of its operation located in the town Sunnyside, which is close enough to the Chehalis WSDOT office to transport the waste water and combine it with rock salt and molasses to make an “anti-icer” to be put down on roads before winter weather hits. Using this cheesy byproduct will allow the state Department of Transportation to save on salt costs for roads in 11 counties in Southwest Washington and on the Olympic Peninsula. It’s an advance in road maintenance technology that has been six years in the making, as WSDOT has been testing different mixtures of the product since 2002. The mixture contains three parts rock salt, added to the partially salted wastewater, and topped off with fermented sugar cane juice and calcium chloride. The salt fills its normal role, melting the snow and ice, while the sugar helps bind the compound to the road surface. By including calcium chloride, the compound is effective at temperatures down to 10 degrees. According to a spokesman for WSDOT, the new solution has helped drastically reduce the number of accidents on a stretch of road known as White Pass, where the mix was initially tested, from an average of eight per week to six accidents for the whole season last winter. Motorists should also be pleased, as the product is not significantly harmful to cars and actually 77 percent less corrosive than using salt alone. So enjoy your safer roads this winter, Washingtonians, and be sure to thank your local dairy cows for their help…..

- As you might expect from a network whose weekly fall schedule has been filled with ginormous piles of sh*t, NBC will be offering viewers a drastically revamped lineup come January. For better (almost a given) or worse, the reshuffled lineup will sideline (temporarily in some cases) a handful of shows to make room for some new programming. And wouldn’t you know it, one of the new shows is all but certain to be even worse than any of NBC’s current shows! That show would be Superstars of the Dance, brainchild of So You Think You Can Dance boss Nigel Lythgoe, and it will be built as an internationally flavored "Olympic dance-off" and hosted by the egotistical blowhard Michael Flatley- oh, props on securing the services of a guy whose Lord of the Dance show hasn’t been on the cultural radar in nearly a decade, NBC - and it premieres Sunday, Jan. 9, before moving to Mondays. Here’s when the unfortunate twist comes, at least for those who are fans of the network’s one great show, Heroes. This new dance debacle will air for several weeks from 8 to 10 pm/ET Monday nights, bumping both Chuck and Heroes (but only until February). And what kind of garbage show has NBC found to follow up such a piece of crap? Why, nothing less than a new unscripted series from the teeth-bleaching, man-blouse-wearing, tip-frosting hack Ryan Seacrest would do, right? Amazingly, that’s just what NBC has in mind with Momma’s Boys, brought to you by the man who emcees the biggest abortion in musical history, American Karaoke. Tuesdays will stay the same, with The Biggest Loser: Couples and SVU, and on Wednesdays (starting Jan. 7), Knight Rider will remain at 8, while SVU repeats will spell Life until February. Thursdays are the same as well, but Friday nights will feature an extra helping of a man who, quite frankly, creeps me out - Howie Mandel. Howie will be hosting Howie Do It, a new hidden-camera show that promises more of the creepy How-man and that weird, unnerving hand wave/salute thing he does on Deal or No Deal. Following that up will be something that excites a lot of people - just not me. The return of Friday Night Lights' will come on Jan. 16 as the football-themed show kicks off its third season. So to sum it up….NBC is going to continue to suck, ‘nuff said…….

- There really wasn’t any other way for the W. administration to celebrate the final holiday season of its disastrous, apocalyptic eight years in office. The worst president in the history of this nation wanted to invite American Jewish leaders to the White House Hanukkah reception, so he and his staff did the obvious thing: send out a nice invitation by mail to those they wanted to have attend. The only problem: a picture of a Christmas tree adorned the cover of the invite, which is not the first thing you would expect to see on an invitation to an event celebrating Hanukkah. I’m torn in deciding the cause of this f’up, because on one hand, it might just be an honest mistake, a simple oversight….but this is W., so the real likelihood is that he has no freaking clue what Judaism is, what holidays they celebrate and thinks that the Star of David is just two blue triangles put together to signal a place where you can get a plate of nachos. In case you’re wondering what exactly the Jewish leaders received, the invitation was sent on behalf of the President and First Lady, requesting "the pleasure of your company at a Hanukkah reception," and it bore an image of a Clydesdale horse drawn cart, carrying the White House Christmas tree, with a Christmas wreath-adorned White House in the background. As you might expect Mrs. W’s press secretary, Sally McDonough, fell on the grenade by blaming it on a "staff mistake" in not printing separate cards for the different White House holiday events. Yeah, sure, whatever you say, Sally. All I know is that I would have been stunned (and probably a little disappointed) if this had played out any other way……

- As badly as I feel for the travelers stranded in Thailand, to those people I have to say: Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Yes, it’s time to spin around the globe and celebrate acts of social dissidence and dissent, even if those acts happen to inconvenience a few (thousand) travelers trying to get home. People like American Kerri Gannon and her husband, who were stranded in an airport in Bangkok, Thailand, Wednesday, because the facility was occupied by crowds of protesters and closed are just going to have to get over it, because dammit, riots and protests are bigger than any of us. When thousands of anti-government protesters assemble and storm the nation’s airports to protest the return of Thai Prime Minister Somchai Wongsawat from an economic summit in Peru, you need to respect their efforts and not complain. You know I love any protest or riot, but one in which explosions rock two Bangkok airports, four people are wounded and multiple airports were shut down I love even more. Leading the protests is a group called the People's Alliance for Democracy, and its leaders have said it will not end its occupation of the airports until the prime minister resigns. Fair enough, especially when you understand that the PAD accuses Wongsawat’s government of being a front for ousted former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra. So far, the protests have been a rousing success, forcing authorities to cancel all incoming and outgoing flights at Suvarnabhumi International Airport, which handles 60,000 incoming passengers daily. Additionally, pro- and anti-government protesters also exchanged gunfire Tuesday, and protesters with golf clubs and long wooden sticks clashed with airport taxi drivers, with each side throwing objects at the other. Golf clubs? Yup, always good to incorporate a theme into your protest, so a sports theme definitely works. The long wooden sticks are a bit primitive and basic, but I’ll allow it. The protestors are also blockading people trying to get to one of the airports, although they are being courteous enough to divert people to different roads rather than just simply attacking innocent bystanders for no reason. Yes, a violent, angry protest with some staying power, but one with a little consideration for the well-being of your fellow man, the best of both worlds……

- Stephon Marbury’s teammates seem to be getting a little bit tired of his continued refusal to don a uniform and actually play the game he is making $21 million to be a part of this season. Marbury has been inactive all season because he’s washed up, overpaid and unnecessary, but for two recent games, the New York Knicks actually did have need of Starbury’s services on the court. Because of two major trades completed last week, the Knicks were down to seven or eight active players for two games (12 is the norm), the second of which came Wednesday night against perennial Eastern Conference power Detroit. Both times, head coach Mike D’Antoni has gone to Marbury and asked him to play. Both times, Starbury has said no. Now, at least one of his teammates - well, the guys whose bench he sits on and whom he watches play while wearing a nice, tailored suit - has had enough. Knicks forward Quentin Richardson made it clear after the game against the Pistons that he's had enough of Marbury. “He hasn't played with us all year,” Richardson said. “Regardless of what you have going on with the organization or what you have going on with your coach or whatever -- you're not going to allow your teammates to be left out there the way we were basically being left out there.” Making matters worse for the Knicks on Wednesday was the fact that Richardson was playing hurt with an arm injury and Nate Robinson missed the game with a groin strain, leaving the Knicks with eight players before forward Wilson Chandler was ejected in the third quarter. “This is directed at us regardless if you're trying to stick it to whoever you're trying to stick it to,” Richardson said of Marbury's selfish standoff with the team that has resulted in him refusing to play. “At the end of the day we're shorthanded, people are hurt. Once again, I don't pay attention to [Stephon] because I don't look at him as a teammate anyway.” Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say that 1) this has officially become a major, divisive issue for the Knicks, and 2) Richardson isn’t the only Knick who feels this way - he’s just the first one to express it publicly. Repeats of the seven- or eight-man roster for games are unlikely, as the players acquired in the aforementioned trades are finally all ready to play and the team should be at full strength from here on out. But the damage done in these two games to Starbury’s rep and his relationship with his teammates…..that will last quite a while…..

NBC's new nightmare of a show, time to start following women's pro tennis again and who knew, it's wrong to hit an elementary school student

- Did I miss something? Is it suddenly wrong for an elementary school teacher to punch a student? Wow. The world sure has changed, and I for one do not feel good about living in a world where a teacher cannot just haul off and deck an 8-year-old, especially when you just know that 8-year-old did at least five things to deserve being punched. Corporal punishment can take lots of different forms, folks, not just whacking a kid over the knuckles with a ruler. David Adam Grant (if I know your full name, never a good sign) understands this vital educational principle, because he is the man who had the balls to wind up his fists of fury and punch an 8-year-old student in the face earlier this month at Sunland Elementary School in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Authorities allege that Grant "hit the 8-year-old student around his left eye with a loosely closed fist, causing a bruise over his right eye.” A bruise? That’s it? And we’re pissed at this guy? Isn’t that what they teach all education majors, that at the first hint of trouble, you sock a kid in the face? No? When did that change? Hang on….so you’re telling me that it’s now generally unacceptable to hit or otherwise physically assault students? Jeez, that sucks, especially for someone like Grant, who is/was an art teacher at the school. Art teachers at elementary schools are basically guaranteed day after day of messes, disasters, mini-explosions of paint, glue, glitter and other supplies. They probably need more patience than any teacher in any subject at any age in the educational system. That being said, if you can’t refrain from punching Joey in the face when he pisses you off, you probably should not be an elementary school art teacher. Just a thought, a way to help you avoid facing child abuse charges, as Grant now does. I’m here to help, people……

- Everyone, it’s time to start loving women’s professional tennis again. I know, we’ve all been able to take a few months off with the smokin’ hot Maria Sharapova out of action due to a shoulder injury. When I can’t watch a leggy, blond 6-foot-tall Russian bombshell bounce around the court, my interest in this particular sport wanes quickly, so I honestly can’t tell you a single freaking thing that has happened since Sharapova last played in July. She missed the Beijing Olympics and the U.S. Open, and so did I when it comes to women’s tennis. However, her agent says that my girl Maria is on track for a return to the court in the Australian Open, which starts Jan. 19. Actually, she plans to be back on the court before then, with agent Max Eisenbud saying this week that Sharapova expects to return to action in January at the exhibition event in Hong Kong she usually plays prior to the Aussie Open. Missing the U.S. Open in 2008 ended her streak of 23 consecutive major tournaments. But I am totally pumped for a return to caring about women’s pro tennis in January, and I’m sure a lot of you will want to join me in readying yourselves over the next two months or so to ensure that we are all ready to give Maria a great welcome when she steps back on the court in January…..

- Memo to those out there considering assassinating your spouse, especially if planning to do so by poisoning them to death: destroy the evidence. That should go without saying, but this week I was once again reminded that there are those out there who are so IQ-deprived that I need to remind them of things in this world that should be blatantly obvious. Among those tools are David Steeves of Riverhead, N.Y., a man who stands accused of killing his wife by dosing her coffee with a potassium cyanide. Ambitious as far as assassination attempts on spouses go, plenty of ingenuity….but for God’s sake, don’t leave evidence lying around in places the cops are sure to find it without much effort. That’s the part of the plan where Steeves fell short, leaving a terrorist poisoning manual on his laptop. Uh oh! I shouldn’t have to tell you this, David, but when your wife dies under suspicious circumstances, an autopsy is going to be performed. That autopsy will turn up the cause of death and when they find out it was poisoning, they’re going to ask questions and you are going to be a prime suspect. Thus, if you are dumb enough to leave a terrorist poisoning manual on your lapper, you’re going to get caught. So go ahead and plead not guilty to upgraded murder charges, as you did on Monday in Suffolk County Court, but expect to be convicted anyhow. Oh, and all of this advice is amplified by the fact that you and your wife Maureen were estranged. That’s going to make the police even more suspicious. According to Suffolk Assistant District Attorney Janet Albertson, investigators found an electronic copy of "The Mujahideen Poisons Handbook" on the Steeves’ computer. Oh, and you probably shouldn’t have handed police a seven-page written confession when you were arrested, only to have your attorney claim it was coerced. Now I doubt you’re going to have the chance to attempt murder on another wife (allegedly) in the future, but in case you do, keep these things in mind…..

- Pervy scumbag, party of one please. That party would consist of John Valdez, a now-former University of Illinois gymnastics coach who has been charged with secretly videotaping a gymnast in a campus locker room. Valdez, who coached American gymnast who coached Justin Spring at the Beijing Olympics, has been charged with one count of unauthorized videotaping, a Class 4 felony that carries a potential sentence of one to three years in prison. The pervy activity in question occurred when a gymnast training on Sept. 25 with Valdez in the gym used by the men's gymnastics team noticed a handheld video camera partially hidden under a T-shirt in an open locker. Hmm…..coincidence? I think not. What to do when you find what you suspect to be an intrusive, illegal attempt to invade your privacy? The logical thing, especially if it’s not your home gym, is to report it to your coach. That is just what the gymnast, who is a student at UI, did. The gymnast’s identity is being protected, for obvious reasons, but what we do know is that the camera was reported to Valdez. However, when the gymnast followed up later with campus police to find out where the case stood, the police stated that the incident had never been reported to them. Now that they did have knowledge of it, they began investigating and when they searched Valdez's Urbana home, they found the camera used in the locker room filming. “The images had been deleted, but the technicians were able to restore the deleted images,” Champaign County State's Attorney Julia Rietz said. What those images contain isn’t known, but Valdez is scheduled to appear in court in Urbana on Dec. 12. He resigned from his coaching post at the university a couple months ago, and to make life even better for him, he also faces a drunken driving charge in Waukesha County in Wisconsin after a Sept. 18 arrest. So not only is he a major perv (allegedly), he’s also a drunk driver and an all-around scumbag, good times……

- Prior to reading this next bit of news, I believed that NBC had one good show on its airwaves: Heroes. After reading this story, I can say with confidence that NBC has one good show on its airwaves and now what could be the worst, most unwatchable show on TV. I can say that because on Wednesday nights, at least for a solid 2-3 weeks until this abortion of a show is canceled, you can turn on NBC and see the most crass, un-funny, obnoxious, classless, foul-mouthed, angry-lesbian-minded “entertainer” in all of show business, the uber-fat, uber-ugly Rosie O’Fat, er, O’Donnell. Yes, NBC has inexplicably handed an hour of its air time each week to that fat, ugly, rude and loud-mouthed slob O’Fat, allowing her to host what the network is terming “a reinvention of the traditional variety hour.” And yes, as that description would imply, the show will (I’m cringing as I write this) feature a song-and-dance number with O’Fat and Liza Minnelli, performances by Ne-Yo and Alanis Morissette, and appearances by Kathy Griffin, Alec Baldwin and Jane Krakowski. Why any network would think putting a rotund, abrasive, irritating slob who can neither sing nor dance on screen to sing and dance is beyond me, and adding a freak show like Liza Minelli to the mix isn’t going to help. Oh, and Alanis Morissette? What is this, 1995? You’re telling me an hour of The Office reruns wouldn’t be better than this? Heck, digging out decade-old episodes of Friends and showing them would be better than this nightmare……

Why not to sex it up on a beach, starting your own Pacman "Banished from the NFL pools" and bribes make the drug smuggling business go 'round

- File this one under the heading of 1) bureaucratic red tape and moronic rules ruining potentially awesome situation for an underprivileged kid, and 2) whiny, weasely school/company/organization b*tching about someone not playing fair specifically because that other school/company/organization is better than them. The place(s) two high school football-loving towns in California, Oakdale in Stanislaus County and Colfax in Placer County. Colfax and Oakdale were set to meet Friday night in a playoff game, their fifth such meeting in the postseason for the fifth time since 2002. Boosters were firing up their grills, fans were setting out blankets to reserve the best seats and the Colfax Falcons were boarding a bus for the two-hour trip to meet their opponents. Enter something that just doesn’t belong in high school football, a state Superior Court judge in Alameda County who ordered the game suspended. Why? Because the aforementioned whiny b*tch(es) in question had gone to court to question the eligibility of 16-year-old named Dalton Dyer, a kid who has been in foster care his entire life, and has moved repeatedly under court order, and is now living with an aunt in the town of Auburn after living in Oakland until sixth grade, then, then in a foster home in Vallejo before the move to Auburn. After the most recent move, Dyer enrolled as a junior in Placer High School. He became one of the team’s stars, playing defensive back, and in the process drawing the attention of another school in the area which noticed he had been listed as a transfer student, called the Sac-Joaquin section of the California Interscholastic Federation and asked whether he was eligible to play. CIF Commissioner Pete Saco looked at Dyer's move to Auburn in August and determined that it was not a "valid change of residence," which the rules define as the movement of a student and his or her full immediate family, and all their possessions, from one residence to another. Because Dyer was a foster child, Saco ruled, Placer High should have filed the paperwork for a "hardship" transfer. Ignoring the spirit of the law and the use of common sense, the CIF ruled that because Dyer was ineligible in the five games he had played his team must forfeit those five games, three of which it had won, including two league games. Had the CIF ruled the right way to begin with, Placer would have been in the playoffs and either Colfax or Oakdale would not be. Unfortunately (but predictably), a governing body did the wrong thing and Placer had to go to court to fight for what should have rightfully belonged to it - a playoff spot. Now, three groups of kids have their fate up in the air, to be decided by a judge in a courtroom instead of on the field.

- So is it a problem if the man charged with shutting down the drug trade in your country is taking nearly half a million dollars in bribes each month from drug traffickers? I never can tell with these sorts of shades-of-gray situations, one where there is no clear-cut right or wrong. It’s hard to figure out what the right thing is in a case like the one involving Noe Ramirez Mandujano, Mexico’s former drug czar who is the man accused of taking those bribes. Mandujano has been detained on suspicion that he may have accepted $450,000 a month in bribes from drug traffickers from 2006 until this August until he left the post this year. Among the accusations being thrown around are that Ramirez met with members of a drug cartel while he was in office and agreed to provide information on investigations in exchange for bribes. So what you’re saying, Mexican authorities, is that doing those things is wrong? Okay, I guess if that’s how you want to see it. Mandujano’s arrest is part of an ongoing investigation called "Operation Limpieza," or "Operation Cleanup," which targets officials who may have passed information to drug cartels. And Mandujano is far from the only high-ranking official arrested this week, with Ricardo Gutierrez Vargas, the director for International Police Affairs at Mexico's Federal Investigative Agency and the head of Mexico's Interpol office, arrested at his home four days prior. All told, more than 30 officials have been arrested since July in connection with the anti-corruption operation and Interpol is sending a team of investigators to Mexico to investigate the possibility that its communications systems and databases may have been compromised. What I’m worried about is that these arrests are going to make it harder for my favorite illegal narcotics to make their way from Mexico in the United States and will thus drive up the price of those drugs. After all, drug trafficking in Mexico is a $20 billion- to $50 billion-a-year industry, so a lot of the drugs coming our way in the U.S. flow through our neighbors to the south. So help me, if the price of coke, crystal meth, LSD, weed, etc., go sky high, I am going to be very upset with you, Mexico. These drug cartels are paying good money to Mexican officials to keep their businesses running - bribes of $150,000 to $450,000 a month - and with good reason: people want their drugs. I don’t see how you don’t understand this…..

- Fire up your “Pacman Jones Lifetime NFL Ban” polls, everyone! Now that the IQ-deprived, grammar-killing criminal cornerback is on his way back to active duty for the Dallas Cowboys following a six-game suspension for his latest brush with the law. This time, he returns with what looks to be a full warning from the NFL that this is his absolute last chance. According to multiple media outlets, Pacman was informed that he must strictly adhere to the terms of his reinstatement and any missteps will lead to a lifetime ban from the league. For the time being, Commissioner Roger Goodell has reinstated Jones based on the recommendations of clinical specialists who oversaw Jones' 30 days in a rehab facility. Six games off might have been tough for Pacman, but it’s nowhere near the punishment he received when he was suspended for the entire 2007 season because of multiple incidents while with the Tennessee Titans. Never one to be bothered with learning from his mistakes (and when you’ve had run-ins with the cops and/or arrests totaling 12 or more, you have a lot to learn from), Jones made use of his fresh start by getting into an alcohol-related scuffle with one of his own team-provided bodyguards during a private party at an upscale Dallas hotel on Oct. 7.
A week after the incident, Goodell suspended Jones indefinitely. That indefinite length got definition when Goodell reinstated Jones this week and made him eligible to play Dec. 7 at Pittsburgh. By the time Jones returns to the field, he will have missed 22 of 28 games since the end of the 2006 season because of suspensions. In other words, fill out those pool sheets, break out your calendars and try to predict when the Pacman train will go off the tracks again. Personally, I have Feb. 3, 2009, shortly after the Cowboys’ season ends with another disappointing playoff clunker and Pacman is looking to blow off a little steam. But maybe I’m being too optimistic and should pick a date much sooner. Make your own call…….

- The in-vogue thing at the moment in the judicial system seems to be forcing “punk” kids who violate local noise ordinances to listen to crappy, boring music as punishment. It happened to a college student in Marietta, Ohio last month and now it’s happening to four high schoolers in Fort Lupton, Colorado who are collectively known as the rock band Revolving Reverence. The bandmates were among approximately 16 residents violating the town's noise ordinance, according to Fort Lupton Police, and as punishment they were sentenced to sit in a room for an hour and listen to everything from Barry Manilow to Barney the Dinosaur. For these four freshman, the ordeal was every bit as harrowing as it would be for someone like me to be punished by having to listen to hacks like Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Fergie and Cher for an hour. “You can't fall asleep,” said Rueben Fuentes, a member of Revolving Reverence, of the punishment. The oh, so clever legal mind behind the punishment is Judge Paul Sacco, who probably saw another judge try the same stunt and rather than try something new, recycled a lame trick. “These people should have to listen to music they don't like,” declared Sacco. All of this because these kids, trying to build a musical career and a rep as a legit band, played a set in the back yard at band member's father's house? Yes, they played at a house party and according to the band, those who attended had a great time. “People who were at the party loved it,” stated band member Robert Mort. “But the cop station was two blocks away. I'm not sure the cops did.” I’d say no, because the cops issued each band member a ticket for violating the town's noise ordinance. Judge Sacco was the one who sentenced them to Barry Manilow, and from the sounds of it, this knob probably has Manilow’s entire catalog as part of his music collection. “I actually don't think Manilow's too bad,” he said. That’s because you’re a moron, judge. But props on showing zero originality and a sad excuse for a sentence of humor in handling this case and others like it in your town…..

- Whew, that was a close call. Nothing like going on an expensive vacation to a warm, tropical climate and ending up in prison, so Michelle Palmer and Vincent Acors really dodged a bullet. The couple was arrested shortly after midnight on July 5 in Dubai, United Arab Emirates for - well, for hitting it on a public beach. The couple had faced a three-month sentence after being charged with illicit relations, public indecency, and public intoxication. They were arrested on a public beach after police found them in, well, a compromising position. At the time, they also appeared to be intoxicated, which tacked on an additional charge. Both Palmer and Acors denied they actually sexed it up on that beach, and either the judge in their case showed them mercy despite a conviction on the charge, suspending their prison sentences. They didn’t escape judgment entirely, as a court found them guilty in October and fined them 1,000 dirhams ($367) for the charge of public indecency. All of this is ironic because the United Arab Emirates, where Dubai is located, is among the most moderate Gulf states. To be honest, it sounds like the couple made their case on semantics, as they may not have actually had sex, but were likely on their way to doing so. In other words, the cops busted them before they could make it all the way around the bases. But maybe the police just didn’t want to see the whole show, so they intervened before it reached its apex. Perhaps next time they should just wait for the offending couple to finish, eh Acors and Palmer? How about this: if you want to have sex, don’t do it anywhere that you would openly welcome the general public to - beaches, airplanes, stores, the street, church, sporting events, etc. It’ll be better for you and for the rest of us…..

A Heroes recap. a random piano in the woods and why some Notre Dame students absolutely suck

- You suck, Notre Dame students. Well, not all of you, just the classless a-holes who pelted Notre Dame football players with snowballs during their 24-23 loss to Syracuse on Saturday. On Friday, nearly 10 inches of snow fell on South Bend, but there was no snow falling on game day. Thus, the stands and field were clear, but there was snow along the edges of the field. The snowball throwing had its genesis when a few people started by throwing the snow in the air, which seemed innocent enough. But then the underdogs from Syracuse began taking control of the game, so ass clowns sitting in the student section decided that the best way to voice their displeasure was pelting their own players with snowballs. One of the first victims of a snowball hit was defensive lineman Ian Williams, who thankfully got hit in the helmet, one place where significant damage is nearly impossible. However, defensive end Ethan Johnson wasn’t so fortunate, getting hit on the left cheek. Additionally, a St. Joseph County police officer on the sideline looking into the crowd got hit in the chest by some tool with either really bad aim or a serious dislike of law enforcement. On top of that, an NBC camera man also was a frequent target and several snowballs reached the field, showing that there was a lot of anger mixed with a lot of alcohol, multiplied by a lot of stupidity, in Notre Dame Stadium on Saturday. Pardon me for intruding on the fun, but what the frak did the NBC cameraman do to you? Were you pissed at him for helping broadcast your team’s ineptitude to a worldwide audience? At one point during the game, as the Irish defense held a meeting on the sideline, injured linebacker Brian Smith finally had enough and stood on a bench to try to shield his teammates. Even that wasn’t enough to stop the crowd for acting like total pieces of crap, as another came flying and hit defensive tackle Pat Kuntz. It was at that point Smith stood and faced the crowd and appeared to challenge whoever threw it to come down on the field. In the aftermath, at least one fan was seen being led away by police, but here’s hoping a lot more end up facing punishment for totally indefensible, moronic and classless actions that ruined what should have been a normal day at the stadium…..

- Times are so tough for the floundering American economy that even earnings luminaries like Tiger Woods are taking a hit. Granted, the hit Woods is taking will barely faze him and would at the same time cripple 98 percent of Americans, but even so. This news comes courtesy of the struggling U.S. auto industry, with General Motors Corp. announcing Monday that it is ending its nine-year endorsement deal with Woods as it continues cutting expenses and seeking hoard cash (may I suggest not having your CEO fly a private jet to Washington to ask for a taxpayer-financed bail out? Just a thought). GM is attempting to survive the worst sales downturn in a quarter-century. Also, in trying to deflect some of the attention from the fact that it is a sickly, wounded financial animal on the verge of extinction, the automaker also cited Woods’ desire for more personal time as he expects his second child as a reason for the dissolution of their partnership. As part of the relationship, Woods has endorsed GM products around the world and appeared in Buick commercials, as well as carrying the Buick logo on his golf bag since 2000. So there goes at least $7 million a year for Tiger, which I’m sure he’ll miss when he can’t afford the luxury package on his ninth Jaguar in a couple years. I’m no economist, so I can’t say how this development will affect GM’s sales, although even the most casual observer could conclude that it couldn’t possibly make them worse. When a company spends nearly $7 billion more than it took in during the most recent financial quarter and has issued warnings that, without federal help, it may reach the minimum amount of cash required to run the company by the end of the year, there isn’t much farther to fall. On a side note, Woods’ fellow PGA golfers will have to start looking elsewhere for their rides at Tour events, because Buick said last week that it would be cutting back on its deal providing courtesy cars at such events. Well, if anyone can survive that kind of hardship, it’s a tough, grizzled group like professional golfers…..

- This is one of those rare occasions where someone not living up to their end of a deal was a very, very good thing. Normally, welching on a contract is bad form, shows a lack of character and integrity and is something to be avoided at all costs. However, when the contract in question involves the King of Pedophiles, Michael Jackson, and was supposed to end with him producing more of that assault on the ears he calls music, I feel safe in saying that him backing out of the deal is a great thing. Not agreeing with me on this is Sheikh Abdullah, a multi-millionaire Bahraini royal who claims Whacko Jack-O failed to honor a business deal worth $7 million. The Sheikh filed suit against the KOP in London’s High Court to recoup his lost money, but the two have instead agreed to a settlement that will “amicably settle their dispute which was in litigation before the in. They wish each other well in their own, respective endeavors,” according to a joint statement by their legal teams. In his lawsuit, the sheikh accused Jackson of reneging on a contract for a new album and an autobiography -- a deal that he says included a $7 million advance. At this point, I feel the need to step in and give the sheikh a bit of advice. As I said before, no one needs any more of the abortion that is Jack-O’s music, it’s pop garbage from a man who is a walking gimmick and who is the most overrated artist in the history of music. Jack-O has ridden one gimmick after another, whether it’s the novelty of going from a black dude to a white woman, the whole “singing family” gig with his brothers, the one-glove shtick or any other his other novelties, to a career that is esteemed far, far more highly than it ought to be. Second, an autobiography? Do you really want to foist a tome filled with tales of sexual abuse on young boys, statutory rape (allegedly), an adult man living in a giant amusement park and all of Jack-O’s other freakery on the world? If you really want to do something good, pay him $7 million to never tell anyone about his freaky, twisted life. So I don’t need to know the details of the settlement, which will supposedly remain secret under one of the conditions of the agreement. All I need to know is that this new album from Jack-O is not forthcoming and neither is his autobiography. Still, it is an odd way to repay a man who allegedly
bailed you out of a financial hole following an expensive acquittal on child molestation charges in 2005, paying the $2.2 million you owed legal fees and hosting you in his home in Bahrain, turning around and reneging on a contract. In the end, I guess this gives us all something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, that these two new projects from the KOP won't be heading our way…..

- Heroes asked an interesting question Monday night: what would a day be like with no heroes, or more specifically, heroes without their superpowers. The impending solar eclipse had everyone scurrying, even the mighty Arthur Petrelli, who mused that he was learning that some things are beyond even his control. That doesn’t stop him from demanding that his own scientific muscle, Dr. Mohinder Suresh, find a way to explain and cope with the effects of the eclipse. Those effects are basically that everyone with powers loses them. For Peter and Nathan Petrelli, that complicated a day that begins with them flying down to Haiti to retrieve the mysterious Haitian, the man whose power allows him to block others from using their own powers. He is in Haiti to capture his brother, a Level 5 escapee with the power of impenetrable skin. Retrieving the Haitian is part of Angela Petrelli’s plan to take out Arthur, so Nathan flies down to Haiti and when Peter demands to come along, Nathan takes him as well. They are over a swamp in Haiti when the eclipse happens and strips Nathan of his power to fly. The two men crash into the swamp, then are forced to hike to the Haitian’s village. Along the way, they get lost because Nathan won’t listen to Peter’s navigation, but on their way back from getting lost, they do find the Haitian, except that the reunion is short-lived because the Haitian’s brother ambushes them. Peter and the Haitian manage to hide, but Nathan is captured by the Haitian’s brother, who informs him that Arthur had already told him that Nathan would be coming there. Back in the U.S., a second part of Angela’s plan called for hiding Claire Bennet so Arthur couldn’t find her. Because Claire’s blood contains the catalyst that Arthur needs to complete his formula that could give powers to everyone on Earth, keeping Claire away from him is paramount. To that end, Angela sends her off with her father, the man known as H.R.G., to Costa Verde, California. There, father and daughter took up residence in a safe house that was also the former residence of Steven Canfield, a man with the power to create and cast people into black holes, whom Claire tried to capture earlier in the season and who ultimately did away with himself by casting himself into his own black hole. Holed up in the safe house, H.R.G. went about helping Claire learn to fight, as she had asked to learn before, by having her swing 2x4’s and express her frustrations over him not being there for her growing up. The bonding session was going just fine until Elle and Sylar, two members of Arthur’s team at Pinehearst Industries, show up in town to find Claire. Elle is also trying to challenge Sylar to be his own man and stop allowing other to manipulate him, but their trip hits a bump when they arrive at the safe house to take Claire and realize that their powers are gone. A fight ensues and H.R.G. pulls his gun, but it gets knocked from his hand. He goes on fighting Sylar, but Elle grabs the gun and shoots at H.R.G., who is saved when Claire dives in front of him and takes the bullet. But with her powers gone, she can’t heal. H.R.G. rushes her home and tells his wife Sandra not to call 911 because that would mean a record of the shooting would be made and then when Claire’s ability to heal returned, they would have to explain that as well. Instead, H.R.G. does a little in-home medical treatment and stops the bleeding, then leaves to “finish something,” which turns out to be going back to shoot Elle and Sylar. H.R.G finds them still at the safe house, kissing, and he readies his gun from across the street, but the episode ends without him firing a shot yet. The loss of powers also hits hard for Matt Parkman, who along with lady friend Daphne Millbrook is trying to figure out how to follow the part of Angela’s plan that calls for them to track down Hiro Nakamura and use his time travel powers to help their cause. However, just as the two wonder how to find Hiro, he and his pal Ando knock on Parkman’s apartment door. That solves one problem, but another arises when Hiro turns out to still be stuck in believing that he is 10 years old, as he has thought ever since his encounter with Arthur Petrelli in Africa. Getting Hiro to realize that he’s not 10 is an impossible task for Parkman, who can’t understand and thus change the thoughts inside Hiro’s head because they are in Japanese. Parkman’s power to control people’s mind is useless if he can't understand their thoughts, so help comes from a familiar source for Hiro: the comic book starring him that also predicts the future. Using the most recent issue, they learn that they need to go to Lawrence, Kansas. At the same time, things are breaking down between Matt and Daphne because Daphne feels guilty about working with Arthur and against Matt before joining the good guys last episode, and also because she worries Parkman doesn’t trust her. Using her super speed, Daphne runs away and back to her childhood home - in Lawrence, Kansas. Hiro is able to teleport he, Parkman and Ando there, but as they approach the farmhouse where Daphne’s family lives, the eclipse is hitting and taking away their powers. Without the powers, Parkman can’t read or manipulate the thoughts of people, namely Daphne’s father, who answers the door. She refuses to see Parkman, but at Hiro’s urging, they stick around and Matt tries to talk to Daphne again. He gets inside the house this time, but is stunned to find that without her powers, Daphne is actually partially crippled and can only walk with the aid of full leg braces/crutches. Meanwhile, Hiro and Ando have wandered into downtown Lawrence, where they find a comic book shop and search for the new episode of the comic book starring Hiro, which is due out that day. The cover of the issue shows Hiro and Ando inside the comic book store they now stand in, a fact not lost on the owners of the shop. Now, they have to read the pages and find out what comes next. About the only person happy about the eclipse is Mohinder Suresh, who tried to give himself powers using an imperfect version of the formula Arthur is now working to assemble and has suffered horrible side effects, including scales and tendencies resembling those of an insect. Mohinder fears he will die or become a monster, but the eclipse takes away his powers as well (following a stay in one of the creepy, slimy cocoons he was imprisoning people in earlier in the season) and for the time being, he is back to normal, no side effects and no powers. Learning this, he is about to go see Maya, the girl he loves who was horrified at his transformation into a megalomaniacal insect man and left him after having her own powers removed. But Arthur and Flint, the man with the power to throw blue-hot flames from his body, confront Mohinder and tell him that he is going nowhere until he finds a way to reverse the effects of the eclipse. Also needing a reversal of those effects is Claire Bennet, who starts to bleed out after H.R.G leaves to go kill Sylar and Elle. Sandra finds Claire unconscious and bleeding heavily in her room, leaving Claire’s fate up in the air just like everyone else’s. This was about all for Part 1 of a two-part episode, to be concluded next week, so be sure to tune in for that because this season of Heroes is getting better and better….

- Welcome to Harwich, Massachusetts, where even the woods are a musical place. Granted, police there are still trying to figure out whether the mysterious appearance of a fully functioning, perfect-condition Baldwin Acrosonic piano, model number 987 in the middle of the woods is a prank, the result of a theft gone awry or some other bizarre scenario, but the sight of that piano just sitting there, in great condition, alongside trees, fallen leaves and other trappings of nature, was pretty freaking funny. So far, police aren’t sure what to make of the mysteriously placed piano and a probe of the instrument’s appearance in the woods is ongoing. It would be one thing if it were an old junker that someone wanted to get rid of, but even then….dumping it in the middle of the woods? The kicker is that it’s in good win the area and accompanied by a nearby piano bench, positioned as though someone was about to sit down and play. The piano’s serial number is 733746, which might help in tracking down the owner. Honestly….this looks like a prank, and a pretty funny one. If nothing else, it was humorous to make nearly a half-dozen police officers hike out into the woods in the cold and help move the piano into a vehicle to transport it to storage. We may never know the identity of those who released the piano out into the wild, but whoever you are, well done……

A breathtaking episode of Prison Break, Mike Vick gets some more bad news and stock market fraud, it's not just an American thing anymore

- Don’t you ever, EVER scare me like that again, Detroit Lions. I do NOT need you doing stupid sh*t like jumping out to a 17-0 first-quarter lead at home against Tampa Bay on Sunday, period. No one appreciates you channeling your inner Jerry Rice for a 15-yard touchdown catch, Calvin Johnson. And what the hell was that, scooping up a fumble and returning it 44 yards for a touchdown, Daniel Bullocks. Okay, okay….I can’t do this anymore. I’m totally lying….I wasn’t scared at all. To be honest, 17-point lead or 27-point lead, these are the Detroit Lions, folks. Clearly they have their eyes on the prize and are dedicated to, week in and week out, not doing what it takes to win. They know the dream is well within reach, the dream of an 0-16 season to go down in NFL history and make my year. So armed with that 17-point lead, the Lions came roaring from ahead to go down in flames. They gave up touchdowns every way you can imagine - running, receiving, punt return, interception return - to complete a rare trifecta of giving up a TD in every facet of the game - offense, defense and special teams. Things got so bad that starting quarterback Daunte Culpepper was pulled in the fourth quarter for the immortal Drew Stanton, who came though with a very Lions-like 2 for 6, 13 yards passing effort to help cement the loss. Now, you look ahead to the team’s remaining schedule and you have to like what you see. This week, they have a short week and play on Thursday in their traditional Thanksgiving slot. The game is against the Tennessee Titans, one of the three best teams in football and a team coming off of its first loss of the season, an embarrassing 34-13 drubbing by the New York Jets. After that, every team on the Lions’ schedule entered this week with a .500 or better record and all of them maintain legitimate playoff hopes. It’s Tennessee, Minnesota, Indianapolis, New Orleans and Green Bay to wrap up, all of them eminently loseable games. So as I do every week, I will now implore the Lions to keep not being focused, keep not doing what it takes to win and don’t lose sight of the prize, it’s now nearer than ever……

- Well this is certainly one way to combat the sagging stock market. If the stocks aren’t going the way you want them to, just do a little manipulation of the market and see if that doesn’t make you the richest person in your country, eh Wong Kwong Yu of China? Yu, the wealthiest man in mainland China, finds himself under investigation by Chinese police and trading in his company, Gome Electrical Appliances Holding Ltd., halted while the probe goes on. The Chinese electrical appliances company has helped to build Yu’s estimated net worth to $6.3 billion, but now it appears that much of those gains were ill-gotten. The Stock Exchange of Hong Kong indefinitely halted trading of Gome amid reports of a investigation of Yu, the company's chairman, executive director and controlling shareholder, for stock market manipulation. According to the 2008 China Rich List, Yu is the richest man in mainland China and it marks third time in five years he has topped the list. As you might expect in China, the government wasn’t exactly forthcoming with information, as thus far police have declined to comment on the report. Gome is trying to spin this mess in its favor, saying that as of yet it hasn’t received any official word from the government on the matter and that trading was suspended Monday "to avoid any disorderly market and volatility in the securities of the company that may result from further release of unverified allegations in the media.” Uh huh, sure. Look, I realize you have 587 stores last year in 160 Chinese cities -- 572 traditional stores, 13 digital stores and two flagship stores - but trying to protect your little empire doesn’t lessen the severity of what’s being alleged, nor can you semantic your way out of this one with double-talk and non-denial denials. Ironically enough, the company was incorporated in Bermuda, and isn’t that where all legitimate, law-abiding business look to set themselves up, in a place with lax tax and financial regulations. Stay tuned on this one, it should be interesting…..

- Double crossing was the order of the day on last night’s Prison Break. As you’ll recall, the last episode ended with Michael Scofield inside the Scylla vault, preparing to steal Scylla and bring down the Company in the process. Also, General Jonathan Krantz was headed for the vault with his security team to stop Michael. This week began with Krantz and his men entering the vault, seeing only Michael and then having guns pointed at the backs of their heads by Linc, Mahone and Sucre, who were waiting to ambush them. Michael then forced the General to hand over his Scylla card, the one the group hadn’t been able to get previously. Using all six cards, Michael was able to unlock the casing holding Scylla and get inside, pulling out a small hard drive that held big implications. He did so despite Krantz smugly watching him every step of the way and taunting Michael every time it seemed he had hit a dead end breaking into Scylla. With the hard drive in hand, the four remaining men in Michael’s team forced the General to accompany them into the elevator and up to his office. That served two purposes, the first being avoiding Gretchen/Susan and T-Bag, who were waiting for them at the other end of the tunnel they had gotten to Scylla through, the tunnel that originated from the storage closest in the office T-Bag occupies at GATE Industries while posing as Cole Pfeiffer. The second purpose is to get inside the General’s office and watch the escape portion of the plan unfold. It appears they are trapped when the General’s security triggers a total lockdown of the building. The General also tries psychological warfare, attempting to bribe each of the four members of Michael’s team in his office. They all turn him down, despite his telling Michael and Linc that their father worked for the Company and just as he tried to bring it down and failed, so would they. But the escape plan also involved the fifth and final member of Michael’s team, Sarah. She had sneaked into the restroom at the police luncheon that Lisa Tabak, one of the other Scylla cardholders, was attending, and bribed a server to spill a plate of food on Tabak’s lap, forcing her to take a trip to the restroom to clean up. There, Sarah was waiting to hold her at gunpoint and force her to call the General. When she did, he was told that she was being held at gunpoint and we also learned that Lisa is the General’s daughter - well, one of them. That was the piece of information Gretchen passed along to Michael last week via Don Self, and it proved to be useful. Michael told the General that he and his team were to be given safe passage out of the building, with Scylla, or Sarah would shoot Lisa. And so it was that Michael and the others pulled out of the Company HQ in a Company armored car, headed for the Ontario Airport. Once there, Sucre and Mahone went one way and Michael and Linc went the other - inside the airport. The General’s men tracked them to the airport and followed Michael and Linc inside, catching up with them at a security checkpoint. However, Michael had a plan for that, too; he had given Scylla to Sucre and Mahone, who also called in a tip to airport security about the backpack Michael was carrying and the man who had it - and that man turned out to be the head of the General’s security team after he “forced” Michael to surrender the backpack. But as the pack was handed over, airport security came on the scene and detained its new owner, freeing Michael and Linc to get away. Getting away was also what Gretchen and T-Bag had in mind once it became clear that Michael and Co. weren’t coming back with Scylla. Unfortunately, T-Bag/Cole’s boss spotted their cache of automatic weapons under T-Bag’s desk and was about to call the cops, forcing Gretchen’s hand. She elected to whip out her automatic rifle and hold the entire office hostage under she and T-Bag’s control. The kink in their plan came when Trishanne, the secretary in the office who was really an undercover Homeland Security agent working with Don Self, snuck in and began taking the restraints off of the hostages and freeing them. She and Self had escaped from being held up Mr. Xang, the potential Scylla buyer that Gretchen had set them up to be captured by last week, and made it out of the house where they were being held by killing Xang and his men. Trishanne, whose real name is Miriam, had a plan to get the hostages out two at a time, but when the boss, Mr. White, tried to make a run for it on his own, Gretchen spotted him and opened fire, killing him. That led to a firefight in which Gretchen and T-Bag fled to the lower levels of the parking deck adjacent to the building. Gretchen started to turn on T-Bag and was prepared for double-cross and shoot him dead when Miriam sped onto the scene in her car, causing Gretchen to hop into a ride of her own and get away. T-Bag wasn’t so fortunate, getting captured by Miriam and taken with her to the site where she was to meet Self after he got Scylla from Michael and Co. That first exchange happened at the warehouse the group has called home all season, with Self getting Scylla and promising to take it to those who could use it to take down the Company and Michael, Linc, Mahone, Sucre and Sarah getting an envelope with their transfer papers and instructions to wait for a convoy to take them to the nearest Homeland Security office to be processed and released. Michael was also told an ambulance was coming to take him to the hospital for his surgery, but after an hour passed with no word from Self, the group began to worry - with good reason. At his meeting with Miriam, Self revealed himself to be a traitor, shooting his partner and setting off to sell Scylla for his own gain. Back at the warehouse, Michael looked inside the envelope and found that there were no transfer papers - just blank pieces of paper. Self had set them up - but why and how? As the previews for next week show, Self plans to make it look like Michael and his crew turned on him and tried to kill him, thus sending the feds after them and allowing him to make his escape with Scylla. So just when you thought things were about to come to a conclusion, another curveball comes down the pipe, how very Prison Break of the show. Should be an awesome episode this week in what has become easily one of the best season of the four the show has had……

- Score one for the power of teary-eyed women ages 15 to 49 when it comes to the weekend box office results. Chicks everywhere clearly flocked to theaters to see the vampire romance "Twilight" and it showed in the final totals, with the movie taking in $70.6 million in its opening weekend to lead the earnings race. Additionally, in news that feminists will love, Catherine Hardwicke's film also enjoyed the biggest opening ever for a female director, blowing right past the previous mark of $41.1 million set by Mimi Leder's "Deep Impact" in 1998. Buoyed by a huge fan base of teenage girls, who are heavily into Stephenie Meyer's novel of forbidden love between a brooding vampire and a nerdy bookish high schooler, "Twilight" earned a stunning $20,636 per theater. Clearly, those numbers will only bolster the plans of Summit Entertainment, which released "Twilight," to get going on production of "New Moon," based on the second book in Meyer's best-selling series. Not bad for a studio in Summit that has only been around since April 2007 and made "Twilight," its sixth release. The film cost just $37 million to make, so clearly it is going to be ginormously profitable by the time it finishes its run in theaters. The movie wasn’t scheduled to open until Dec. 12, but when Warner Bros. pushed "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" from this weekend to a July 2009 debut, Summit moved up the date and reaped the benefits. Slipping to second on the weekend was last week’s top film, “Quantum of Solace,” which fell way behind the pace and only madder $27.4 million to edge out Pixar’s new animated comedy “Bolt,” featuring the vocal talents of John Travolta and Mr. Mullet, Billy Ray Cyrus’, daughter Miley. “Bolt” made $27 million, a solid opening but not what Disney was hoping for. Here’s how the top 10 unfolded from top to bottom: 1) "Twilight," $70.5 million, 2) "Quantum of Solace," $27.4 million, 3) "Bolt," $27 million, 4) "Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa," $16 million, 5) "Role Models," $7.2 million, 6) "Changeling," $2.6 million, 7) "High School Musical 3," $2 million, 8) "Zack and Miri Make a Porno," $1.7 million, 9) "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas," $1.67 million, 10) "The Secret Life of Bees," $1.28 million. Two animated films, a teeny bopper musical and a movie about losers making a porno…..yes, a weekend to remember at the movies……

- Of all the things Michael Vick needs right now - a fresh start, a way to power wash the images of his as a dog killer from the public’s minds, a way out of prison, a soul - new details about how he personally killed at least seven dogs was not on the list. Yet on the eve of a critical court appearance, there comes new information from federal investigators about how Vick personally killed at least seven of his fighting dogs by hanging or drowning. In responding to a Freedom of Information Act request, federal investigators revealed the grisly details about Vick’s dog-murdering ways and also that Vick failed police polygraph tests in which he denied killing animals. Among the other details revealed in the documents was the fact that Vick decided to start his dogfighting ring just days after being drafted by the Atlanta Falcons in 2001. In other words, this was something of a lifelong dream for him, one of those things he had penciled in to do as soon as he went pro and started making serious bank. Some guys want a nice house and a few new whips, maybe to set their momma up for life, but not Mike Vick. No, dude wanted to become a big-time dog fighter and sure enough, he got his wish. This information came as Vick was readying himself to receive punishment upon entering a guilty plea to state dog killing charges in Sussex, Va. Initially, the thinking was that he had gained leniency by pleading guilty, but this new information can’t help that cause. Nothing like leaving a federal lock-up in Leavenworth, Kansas, taking a break from serving a 23-month sentence for a federal dogfighting conspiracy and coming back home to face state charges as a new wave of damning details comes your way. Enjoy it, Mike, because God knows you’ve earned every last bit of it…..

Football criminals at UF, 24: Redemption raises interesting questions for season 7 and cops exercise excessive force again....shocker

- That’s the team spirit I love to see, Stephon Marbury. Showing that his “Starbury” persona is alive and well even though he’s been inactive for every game his team, the New York Knicks, have played this season, Marbury declined when Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni gave guard Marbury the chance to play for the first time this season. Because the Knicks were faced with a short bench after the team completed two trades earlier in the day, D’Antoni went to Starbury and offered him the chance to play. So why did Marbury decline to step on the court and help his team in what became a 104-87 to the Milwaukee Bucks? “The only thing I'm at liberty to say is that I was told that they were moving forward, and I'm not the person who chooses who plays or doesn't,” Marbury said. Detailed…..but unresponsive. You not being the one who decides who plays and who doesn’t do not explain why you wouldn’t play when asked. Because you wouldn’t swallow your massive, bloated ego, your team had to use a seven-player rotation as you once again took your customary spot on the bench in street clothes. However, D'Antoni said afterward that even though he wanted Marbury to play, he would not label the refusal as insubordination. “But that's enough of the talk, because it is a distraction, and we need to go forward,” D'Antoni said. "We've got a new team coming in.” Yes coach, you do have forward Al Harrington coming in from Golden State and guard Cuttino Mobley and forward Tim Thomas from the Los Angeles Clippers, but here’s the problem: you still have Starbury. This malcontent wouldn’t play even when his team’s two scorers, Zach Randolph and Jamal Crawford, heading out the door, so why would you believe that things are ever going to change. This is a bad situation all around, especially for the team and its fans, not as much for Starbury, who is making that $21 million salary to do nothing. For the sake of Knicks fans, who have endured a crapload of problems the past few years, here’s hoping this mess is resolved soon…..

- Stop me if this sounds familiar: a powerful Hollywood union is preparing for a strike. Where have I haeard that one before? Oh, that’s right, the writer’s strike that crippled last season in the world of television. Well, can I interest you in another strike? This one could come courtesy of the Screen Actors Guild after marathon talks between the union and producers broke off early Saturday and the SAG now saying it will ask its members to authorize a strike. The SAG's contract with Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers expired June 30 and at that point, the two sides couldn’t agree on how actors would be paid when movies and TV shows are distributed through so-called "new media," such as mobile phones and the Internet. “As previously authorized by the national board of directors, we will now launch a full-scale education campaign in support of a strike authorization referendum,” SAG said in a written statement. A date for the possible strike hasn’t been officially announced, but after prolonged, bitter negotiations like these, it could be at any time. The most recent round of talks, the first since July, ended at 1 a.m. Saturday after 27 hours of talks. So far, the producers alliance has demanded SAG accept terms similar to those in contracts concluded over the past year with six other unions representing writers, directors, etc. “Taken together, these six new labor agreements will keep our industry at work, allow producers to experiment with new media, and give everyone in our industry a stake in the success of new and emerging markets,” AMPTP said on Wednesday. At this point, the SAG isn’t suggesting that the strike vote won't result in an immediate walkout, but will serve first and foremost to fortify their negotiating position. All of this comes after last month’s request by the SAG's board of directors voted last month for a federal mediator to help with the negotiations. The decision to strike is now in the hands of the SAG's 120,000-plus members, a number that includes many who no longer pursue acting jobs and vote according to a policy stating that a member who joined after having just one line in one show has a vote equal to the highest-paid stars, as long as his or her annual dues are paid. In other words, ready for another strike to derail your favorite shows this year? Me neither…..

- Few things piss me off more than The Man abusing his authority, especially in excessive, violent displays of physical force. That would appear to be the case in Houston, Texas, where three police officers have been temporarily transferred from patrol duty to desk jobs after claims of assault against the father of Green Bay Packers wide receiver Donald Driver. The (alleged) excessive force users in question are officers Bacilio Guzman, Gilberto Cruz and Matthew Marin, and their fate will be decided based on the findings of the department's internal affairs division. Allegedly, Marvin Driver Jr. was beaten early Monday as police were arresting him for outstanding traffic warrants. Leading the charge in sounding out the allegations of police brutality are his relatives, who had asked that the officers accused in the incident be suspended or placed on administrative leave. According to police, they are still awaiting medical reports on Driver “to determine what injuries he sustained.” His injuries may not be known, but one positive is that Driver was in good condition Friday at Memorial Hermann-Texas Medical Center. For some reason, the Houston police seem more concerned with defending the reputation of the third officer to arrive on the scene than they are with making sure justice is served. They maintain that more blame for the incident should go to the first two officers who arrived at the scene and that the third man “was extremely concerned about the well-being of Mr. Driver.” Thankfully, Driver has been able to describe his experience in detail to investigators and his family. As you might expect, at least one member of Driver’s family has already played the race card. One of his sons, Michael, has said he thinks his father was beaten because he is black. The family’s take on the incident is that the officers stopped Driver in front of his mother's home, where an argument took place between relatives and police. The officers then explained to the family that Driver was being taken to jail for the outstanding warrants and from there, everything went to hell. I don’t know exactly what happened and from the sounds of this, this isn’t a Rodney King repeat, but it sure does sound like excessive force was used and once again, law enforcement has crossed the line from protecting and serving to beating and hospitalizing…..otherwise those they arrest would not be “injured, semiconscious and unresponsive” when paramedics arrived on the scene……

- Jack is back. On Fox last night, it was time for 24: Redemption and the location was Sangala, Africa. After Season 6 left Jack staring off a cliff in Malibu into the vast, unending Pacific Ocean, this season kicked off with the world’s toughest secret agent living in a small village, helping his old friend Carl Benton run a small school for boys in a war-torn region. Early on, courtesy of U.S. Embassy representative Frank Trammell, we also found out that for the past year Jack has been running from a subpoena from the U.S. Senate to testify about torture allegations from his time at CTU. Jack tells Trammell to f’off and decides that rather than allow the embassy to cut off funding and supplies to the school and bring trouble there, he will just leave and start running again. That becomes difficult when an African warlord named General Juma begins ravaging the area and abducting young boys to serve as soldiers in his army. Word comes that Juma’s men are coming to the village where Jack is, a rumor that is confirmed when two of the boys from the village are attacked and shot at a nearby soccer field by Juma’s men as they come to take them away. One boy, Desmond, survives and relays what has happened to Benton, who has come looking for him. Back at the school, Jack has to secure the area before Juma’s men arrive. The boys in the village all hide in a secret room under the floor of the village’s school building, with Jack left to defend the village against a couple dozen rebels using only a few sticks of dynamite and a couple of handguns - in other words, the usual Jack Bauer odds. He is able to hold them off for a while and kill a few, but is ultimately captured and tortured, just like old times. Deep into another round of torture, Benton makes it back to the village and signals Jack from the brush using a mirror off the jeep he has been driving. Jack feeds to rebels a lie about the boys from the school hiding in the very spot where Benton is and when the rebels go there, Benton takes them out, using the skills he learned back in his time in special forces service with Jack. Jack, Benton and the boys escape on an old bus owned by the school and head for the nearby capital city, which is a few hours away on treacherous roads. They head there because the U.S. government (more on this shortly) has ordered an evacuation of all non-military American personnel in the country and Benton has immigration forms that would allow all of the boys to leave the country. Using a radio he took from one of the rebels, Jack is able to monitor surveillance on the roads. This saves everyone on the bus when they are able to veer off the road just a minute before a rebel patrol on the road would have spotted them. The remainder of the trip into the city, just a few miles, must be made on foot. Unfortunately, one of the boys in the group, Willy, nearly steps on a mine when he wanders off the path and in saving him, Benton steps on the mine himself. Jack wants to try to disarm the mine, but Benton realizes that doing so would take an hour, time they don’t have. Jack agrees to take the boys to the embassy and Benton stays behind, knowing he is going to die but also hoping to take a few rebels with him. He accomplishes that feat when the rebels catch up to him and surround him, shooting him repeatedly and finding themselves blown up with him when the mine goes off. Jack and the boys make it into the city, but at the embassy, Trammell informs him that without the sponsorship of a U.S. citizen, they can’t get on the helicopter. Since Jack is their only hope and Trammell traps him into a deal of giving up himself to face the Senate subpoena in exchange for the boys getting to leave the country, Jack surrenders. He and the boys leave on the last helicopter out of the country, heading to the U.S. for vastly different receptions. The United States look vastly different than the one Jack fled at the end of Season 6. Cowardly, weasely President Noah Daniels is on his way out, making way for the new leader of the country, President Elect Allison Taylor, the first female president in U.S. history. It’s Inauguration Day, but the new president has big challenges on her plate before she even takes the oath of office. She becomes aware of the crisis on Sangala and opposes Daniels’ plan to basically do nothing, to pull all U.S. citizens out of the country and refuse to bring U.S. troops in the region in to intervene. Also, there is the mystery of finding out how General Juma has managed to raise and arm an army despite being stripped of his powers and resources by the U.N. three years ago. The explanation for that is funding from a mysterious, shady character named Jonas Hodges, played by Jon Voight. Hodges is funding Juma, and doing so has necessitated some shady accounting practices by his accounting firm. When the account manager, Kevin, who helped create and run the account feels something might be amiss and starts asking questions, he finds himself in deep trouble. Then, when his boss orders him to destroy all records related to the account, he becomes even more suspicious. Instead of destroying the records, Kevin forwards them to his home computer and goes to a unique source for help: Roger Taylor, who also works at the firm and who happens to be the son of the new president. Roger hears out his friend and promises to look at the records after the inauguration, but Kevin doesn’t make it that long. Two mysterious hit men sneak into his house, destroy his computer records, interrogate him and then kill him before burying him in concrete in his back yard. Roger doesn’t receive the email with the records, so he’s left to wonder what went wrong with his friend, something I’m sure will come up once the season starts. So a lot of questions raised to start the new season, a few questions answered as to what Jack Bauer has been up to since we last saw him and from the looks of the previews, a heck of a season coming up. Oh, and props to Fox for slamming us with commercials about purchasing the DVD or iTunes version of Redemption multiple times during the episode. Know what, I think I’ll wait for Season 7 to come out on DVD and get this prequel movie when it’s inevitably included there, thanks…..

- All seems to be in place for the Florida Gators to be one of the nation’s elite college football programs for some time to come. They have a great head coach in Urban Meyer, they have a steady influx of top recruits, a definite homefield advantage in the Swamp…..and they have the one thing every program needs to be truly elite, their share of knuckleheads and criminals on the roster. Meet Florida backup quarterback Cameron Newton, who was charged with stealing another student's laptop computer after being arrested Friday. Newton has been suspended from the team, which seems largely irrelevant, as it’s tough to take part in team activities when being held in the Alachua County jail. He is staring down felony counts of burglary, larceny and obstructing justice. This was clearly a well thought-out criminal enterprise, as Newton allegedly stole the laptop worth $1,700 and then threw it out his dormitory window Friday when officers arrived to investigate the theft. Good call, Cam. No one is going to notice a flying computer. It’s so common to see a lapper woth $1,700 flying out of a dorm window that no one even notices; just like those damn car alarms that no one pays attention to anymore because they go off at drop of a hat. Then again, it’s not surprising that Newton didn’t react more intelligently when the police showed up, because he’s shown a lack of intelligence and criminal savvy throughout the whole theft process. After a student reported the computer stolen Oct. 16, investigators were able to link the laptop to Newton five days later when he allegedly used the machine to access the school's network. And what gave him away? Well, the user name he logged on under was "cnewton." But it doesn’t end there; no, there’s plenty more here to show what an utter moron Newton is. When university police went to Newton's dorm Friday, were invited inside and noticed the laptop on Newton's desk. Yes, dude invited officers inside with the stolen property sitting out in plain view. It took the cops (and these were university police, so if they can turn you inside out that quickly, you know you’re not very bright) all of five seconds to find what they were looking for and after that, they left the room to confirm that the computer matched the serial code of the laptop reported stolen. How they were able to see past the clever cloaking job Newton pulled with the computer, I’ll never know. Allegedly, this knob had painted the laptop black on the top and had "Cam Newton" written on the top in white paint. Seriously? You thought that was going to fool anyone? Right, because that’s not very conspicuous, a computer with black paint on top of it and your name painted in white on it. My man, how many computers have you seen with the owner’s name painted in white or any other color? People don’t paint their names on their computers, that tends to be 1) ghetto and 2) possibly damaging to the machine. Still, there is more idiocy to come, as when the officers returned to Newton’s dorm, the computer was gone. They didn’t have to go far to find it, tracking it down behind a trash bin outside the dorm and learning that, “Mr. Newton threw the computer out of his bedroom window,” according to the police report. Well done, Cam, well done. Just a suck-tacular performance from start to finish. Hard to figure out why you didn’t get away with this. But hey, you can now have a chance join ex-teammate Jacques Rickerson, a backup cornerback at UF who was kicked off the team two weeks after he was arrested and accused of slapping his girlfriend, choking her and then covering her face with a pillow. Yes, the football program is definitely looking elite at the University of Florida once again……

Rivalry Saturday in college football, signs you aren't fit to be a parent and when hookers' apologies mend broken hearts

- Fat people of the world, there is hope for you. Aside from the endless parade of formerly fat celebrities who lost a lot of weight and credit various weight-loss programs for their thinner selves, there are people like Karen Daniel of Phoenix. Two years ago, Daniel was wider around than she was tall. She weighed in at a ginormous 375 pounds, which is too fat for anyone under 7’10. Because of her morbid obesity, the 45-year-old wife and mother had high blood pressure; her knees hurt, she felt fatigued and could barely breathe at the slightest exertion. “I wasn't living ... I was just existing,” recalled Daniel. This wasn’t a recent thing, either;
by the time she married her husband, Paul, at age 22, she weighed 225 pounds. Within seven months of her wedding, she had added another 50 pounds. Ten years and two kids later, she weighed 300 pounds and by the time her youngest daughter was 10 years old, Daniel weighed 375 pounds. “I couldn't bend over to tie my shoes, get down on the ground or fit into chairs. Everything was hard,” said Daniel. “You're constantly worried about fitting in the toilet or shower or visiting someone's house and [worrying] about breaking a chair. It affects every minute of your life and you don't realize it.” Her turning point came when she saw a TV commercial for exercise equipment that was being sold at a local gym. The commercial was geared toward senior citizens, but Daniel showed anyhow to buy the equipment and met the gym's owner, Bill Crawford. Crawford gave her some literature and invited her to call if she needed any help in getting going on her fitness quest. With the encouragement of her sister, Daniel decided to hire Crawford as he personal trainer and on September 15, 2006, Daniel showed up for her first training session wearing a dress over her workout clothes because she refused to be seen in size 40W pants. “When Karen first walked in the door, she weighed 375 pounds and she could barely make it from the car to the front door,” Crawford remembers. On that day, when Crawford took her measurements, but the tape measure wasn't long enough to fit around Daniel’s hips. He needed seven more inches. But in the past two years, she has used diet and exercise to drop 175 pounds and 16 dress sizes, which has allowed her to do things she couldn’t have done before; white water rafting with her family, going on a plane without having to buy two seats, etc. So if you’re out there reading this and facing a similar battle as Karen Daniel, hopefully you too can change your life….

- Oh good, another corruption scandal involving a government official, awesome. You know I can't get enough of this stuff; sleazy elected officials, taking bribes, lying and stealing, serving their own self-interests instead of the interests of their constituents. What say we take a trip over to Boston, where a federal investigation into alleged public corruption in the city grew Friday to include a long-time Boston city councilor known for his community activism in one of the city's African-American districts, a man who now stands charged with taking a $1,000 bribe and later lying to federal officials about it. Meet Boston City Councilor Chuck Turner, who was busted by federal agents Friday morning. Better yet, Turner was arrested at Boston City Hall. Gotta love it when the feds are storming your city hall, arresting members of the local government. According to the U.S. attorney's office, Turner was charged with attempted extortion under color of official right and making false statements. What did he do to earn those charges? Well, according to the affidavit, Turner took a $1,000 bribe from a confidential informant in exchange for his efforts to secure a liquor license for a proposed nightclub in the Crosstown area of Roxbury. I don’t mean to sound like a skeptic, but do you have some proof, because that’s a pretty serious charge. What’s that? You claim that Turner had been working to set up City Council hearings on creating more liquor licenses in the city, that the informant in question met with Turner in the city councilor's Roxbury office in August 2007 and gave Turner the money, saying, “You take your wife to dinner and ... have some fun,” after which Turner accepted the money, smiled and said "OK." Okay, so maybe, maybe you have something there. But that’s one man’s word and unless you have….what’s that? The FBI has released surveillance photos of Turner allegedly taking the money? Damn. Well, even so, it’s only one incident and it’s not like….what? You mean to tell me that investigators attempted to give Turner more cash at his City Council office later, but the transaction was interrupted when his assistant barged into the room? All right, I’ll admit it, this does look bad for Turner. But at least he’s not the only one involved in this kind of shady business in Boston. Former State Sen. Dianne Wilkerson was arrested last month and also indicted this week on charges of allegedly taking more than $23,000 in bribes in exchange for getting the proposed Dejavu nightclub a liquor license and for her aid in a land development deal in her district, which is also Turner's City Council district in Roxbury. Just like Turner, there are undercover photos of Wilkerson taking bribes, although instead of just putting the money in her hands as Turner did, Wilkerson allegedly stuffed thousands of dollars into her bra at a Beacon Hill area restaurant. Nice move there, verrrrry classy. But back to Turner: if convicted, he faces up to 20 years imprisonment, three years of supervised release and a $250,000 fine on the attempted extortion charge and five years in imprisonment, three years of supervised release and a $250,000 fine on the false statements charge. Fine batch of public officials you have in your area, Boston, you must be very, very proud…..

- It was rivalry Saturday in college football and while some of the traditional big games like Ohio State-Michigan had no luster because of crappy seasons by one participant (lookin’ at you, Michigan), it was still an awesome day of football. The OSU-Michigan game was every bit the train wreck you would expect, a butt-ugly game that featured more stops, starts and displays of ineptitude in the first quarter than a Pee-Wee football game. When Ohio State finally calmed down, they went on to b*tch-slap the Wolverines 42-7 because Michigan is just an awful, awful football team. The same could be said for the rivalry game between Purdue and Indiana, a game the Boilermakers led 24-0 by the end of the first quarter as they sent outgoing head coach Joe Tiller off with a 62-10 thrashing of their rival. There were other, smaller-scale rivalries like Montana defeating Montana State 35-3, and of course, The Game, Harvard v. Yale, won by the Crimson in a game in which they held Yale to less than 100 yards of total offense to secure at least a portion of the Ivy League title in a 10-0 win. Then there was the Mormon Throwdown in Salt Lake City, Utah, where the Utah Utes and Brigham Young Cougars met as the seventh- and fourteenth-ranked teams in the country, respectively. The Utes came into the game in position to score an at-large BCS spot with a win, but the Cougars hung tough - until quarterback Max Hall decided to stage his audition for the Detroit Lions starting quarterback job by lobbing five interceptions, including two inside the Utah 20-yard line. The Utes won 48-24 and all but assure themselves of a BCS invite. Meanwhile, in North Carolina, North Carolina State salvaged an otherwise wasted season by throttling in-state rival North Carolina, beating the Tar Heels 41-10 to end any lingering hopes UNC had of playing for the ACC title. Other notable contests saw Penn State secure a spot in the Rose Bowl and a share of the Big Ten (11) title by crushing Michigan State 49-18 in a game that could have won the Spartans a share of the league title - if they had bothered to show up. Instead, they were gashed for 557 yards by PSU and will have to settle for a second-tier bowl. Boise State kept alive its BCS hopes by going down to Reno and defeating Nevada 41-34, improving to 11-0 behind three touchdown passes by quarterback Kellen Moore. My main man Ian Johnson also had a 66-yard TD run to help the Broncos, who still need Utah to lose in order to become the top non-BCS conference team in the idiotic BCS rankings and thus earn an at-large bid. The supposed big game of the day turned out to be its biggest rout, with the story being written by halftime as Oklahoma throttled, thrashed and ripped Texas Tech 65-21. OU led 42-7 at halftime thanks to a stunning display of offensive power. Texas Tech couldn’t do much right, although its first turnover didn’t come until late in the first half when the Raiders already trailed 35-7. The second half didn’t offer any hope as the Sooners refused to take their foot off the gas pedal. The won going away and in the process threw the BCS into just the type of chaos that might actually inspire a change in the worst championship-determining system anywhere in sports, good times……

- This should fix everything. How can all not be forgiven when a high-end call girl apologizes to the wife of a man she sexed up for money and whose life was basically ruined because of his escapades with her? I say everything should just go back to normal now that Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the hooker-turned-awful-aspiring-pop-singer who hit it with former former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer for $1,000 an hour has apologized to Spitzer’s wife. Dupre says that the FBI informed her in early March that it was investigating one of her clients and that she found out which client it was a few days later when she recognized Spitzer on TV resigning. But being the hooker with a heart of gold she is, Dupre says she was sick seeing the expression on Silda Wall Spitzer's face. "I try not to revisit that place too often, but when I think about his speech, I think of her face, her eyes, the hurt," Dupre said. Yeah, that tends to happen when you hit it with a woman’s husband for money and the world finds out about it. In spite of that, though, I’m sure that you apologizing to Spitzer’s wife for an ABC "20/20" segment that aired Friday. Her message to Silda Wall Spitzer: "I'm sorry for your pain." Not to be critical here, but don’t you mean, “Sorry I took money from your husband and allowed him to do really pervy things to me in the sack,”? Oh, and hearing that you practiced safe sex with all her clients, including Spitzer, that undoubtedly made Mrs. Spitzer feel better too. In case you are wondering what’s next for a disgraced former hooker with aspirations to be the next Britney Spears - you know, no musical talent, sketchy morals, a ravenous appetite for sex with scumbags, etc. Well, Dupre envisions a future for herself in music, fashion and "writing books" -- but not prostitution. "Never again,” she said in regards to the world’s oldest profession. Hmm…..after seeing the interview, I’m going to suggest that you revisit that idea. You are not qualified to write book, you have no musical talent and I’m not sure about the fashion aspect, but I think you’ve proven that you can succeed as a hooker…..

- Judgment may not be one of the life skills that Timothy Allen Hall of Moon Lake, Florida has in abundance. See, Hall decided to take a drive Tuesday night, which ordinarily is not a major cause for concern - unless of course, you are drunk, speeding and have left two young children at home alone. The second of those three errors in judgment was the reason a Florida Highway Patrol trooper pulled Hall over on Lake Drive, but it may end up being the least of his troubles. It was just after 5 p.m., when the trooper pulled Hall over in front of a mobile home. Once again showing that lack of sound judgment, Hall immediately stepped out of the car and the trooper ordered him back inside for "officer safety reasons.” In his first (and possibly only) solid choice of the night, Hall complied and began fumbling through his glove box while apologizing and explaining he just ran out to take out the trash. When the trooper finally approached the car, she smelled a strong odor of alcohol coming from Hall. Additionally, he was unable to produce his license, registration or proof of insurance. Stunningly, when the trooper ran his license, she learned it had been suspended numerous times for several violations, including driving under the influence. Had things ended there, it would have already been a really, really bad night for Hall. But no, dude had to show his limited mental faculties again, asking the trooper if he could check on his two children inside the home they were parked in front of. She asked whether they were alone and rather than answering the questions directly, Hall repeated that he had only run out to put out the trash. At that moment, yup, you guessed it….cue the entry of a crying, distraught little girl. At almost the exact same time, the front door of the house opened and a young girl stood inside crying. For some odd reason, the trooper was suspicious and went inside and to find a house that was a mess. Then, in a moment you might not see anywhere outside of Britney Spears’ home, one of the two children, who turned 2 on Tuesday, walked out of his bedroom with a pack of Newport cigarettes in hand and one dangling from his mouth while he chewed on it. If that wasn’t bad enough, the 5-year-old girl who had stepped out of the front door hugged the trooper and cried, asking through tears when she could get her dad out of jail. Oops, that’s not good. But wait, there’s more! The girl then told the trooper that her father didn't have a driver's license and had left them home alone before. Double oops! But wait, there’s more! Searching the house, the trooper also found marijuana in Hall's bedroom. Hey, I’m sure there’s a good excuse for that, right? Well, no and no. According to the police report, Hall told the trooper that he and his girlfriend smoke it but “that was all old.” Sorry bro, but your weed being “old” doesn’t make it any less illegal. The legality of pot isn’t determined by age; it doesn’t become legal at a certain point in the aging process. So what was the end result of this evening of criminal chicanery? Well, Hall was arrested on three failure to appear warrants, which stem from worthless checks charges, driving with a suspended or revoked license with knowledge, drunken driving and child neglect charges. All told, a solid collection of evidence that not everyone is qualified to be a parent….or a human being, for that matter…..