Thursday, October 09, 2008

Hef's rotating girlfriends, a felonious relief pitcher and protecting saguro cacti

- Here’s one mom you don’t want to run afoul of. While most parents protect their children fiercely, both emotionally and physically, a 42-year-old mother in St. Charles, Illinois has taken that concept to a disturbing new low. This kook is accused of badgering her daughter's teenage ex-boyfriend with hundreds of e-mails and text messages and threatening to post nude images of him on the Internet unless he started seeing her daughter girl again. And how old are the two young lovers? Try 13 years old, so obviously this was a very serious relationship with a solid future. According to a Sleepy Hollow police officer's sworn affidavit, investigators began digging into the matter on Aug. 21 after the 13-year-old boy's parents reported that he had received hundreds of threatening e-mails and text messages from the crazed mother. And how did this psycho mom get ahold of nude pictures of her daughter’s 13-year-old boyfriend? Well, according to the boy’s parents, he and his 13-year-old girlfriend had exchanged nude photos of themselves over their cell phones. Maybe I’m just a little too conservative, but is that not a little disturbing? Maybe 18-year-olds you’d expect to do that type of thing, but 13-year-old kids? Let me put it this way: if you have Hannah Montana sheets on your bed and your main concern is whether Joey in fourth period social studies thinks you look cute today, you should not be sending nude pics of yourself to anyone. But these two did, and after the breakup, the girl's 42-year-old psycho mother threatened to post the boy's pictures online unless he got back together with the girl. At this point, police are pursuing counts of intimidation, harassment and child pornography possession in the case,. More charges could be forthcoming, as investigators are still analyzing cell phones and computers seized from the girl's home and school. Look, I’m all for taking care of your kid, but this is a bit extreme. I mean, wouldn’t the time to parent be when your 13-year-old daughter is sending nude picture messages on her cell phone? That might be the ideal time to step in and exercise your parental authority, then you can avoid having to make criminal threats against her boyfriend after they break up….

- Busy plotting how to steal a stately saguaro cactus from the Arizona desert? You may want to rethink those plans, because soon you could be hauling off more than just a giant plant to spruce up your yard. National Park Service officials plan to imbed microchips in Arizona's signature plant in order to protect them from thieves who rip them from the desert and try to sell them off to homeowners, landscapers and anyone else they can make a profit from. Park Service officials hope that the chips will deter would-be thieves, but if the cacti are stolen, the chips will allow them to track down the pilfered plants. “There's probably more of it that occurs than we're aware of,” said Bob Love, chief ranger at southern Arizona's Saguaro National Park. Last year was a tipping point in this situation, with the single largest theft ever at the park taking place when 17 saguaros were dug up and stashed for transportation later. Fortunately, the thieves were caught, but there have been plenty of other cases where three to five cacti were stolen and not recovered. Compounding the seriousness of the matter is the fact that saguaros are unique the Southwest and mostly to the Sonoran Desert, 120,000 square miles covering portions of Arizona, California and the northern Mexican states of Baja California and Sonora. With their limited habitat, their value increases, making them more attractive to thieves. Plus, if you can manage to secure one for your yard, you get a majestic plant that can grow to heights of 50 feet, sprout gaggles of arms and weigh several tons. So why not just steal smaller ones to avoid the new computer chip system? Because while saguaros are amazing plants, they can take 50 years to flower and 70 years before sprouting an arm. In other words, if you want one and want to enjoy it, you need a fully grown cactus. Back in 2000, a census of the two districts making up the Saguaro National Park outside Tucson estimated that there were 1.3 million saguaros there. Thieves typically target specimens in the 4- to 7-foot range -- which are probably 30 to 50 years old and can make $1,000 or more selling them. Now, park officials can combat that using the microchips, which don't emit a signal, but instead are each is uniquely encoded will send back a code when a special wand is waved within a foot of them. It may not be ideal because officials still have to conduct the searches and know where to look, but at least there is something in place to help combat this growing problem……

- Must be nice when losing a curvy, smokin’ hot blonde girlfriend who has been a Playboy centerfold isn't a big deal because you have two more on hand and several other candidates lined up behind them. Hugh Hefner, Playboy founder and envy of millions of men worldwide, has split with Holly Madison, one of E!'s “The Girls Next Door.” Hefner says he's been “down in the dumps” about the break-up, but how bad can it be for a guy who can cycle through 36-24-34 women like most of us go through socks? He still has Playmates Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt as girlfriends who living with him in the Playboy Mansion. “If Holly says it's over, I guess it's over,” Hefner Wednesday. “She's still here in the house. Until a few days ago, we were still sharing the same bed.” Hefner confirmed that the split came after he told Madison that they would never wed or have children. Madison handled the announcement of the breakup the way you’d expect a reality TV “star” to; in a video posted on TMZ.com Tuesday. Now you have to wonder what will become of one of the most vapid, empty, pointless wastes of time in all of television, “The Girls Next Door.” The show is in its fifth season and Hefner has said he and the three women are committed to a sixth season. However, he also plans to seek out new live-in lovers, with the two leading candidates being 19-year-old Playmate twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon, who are living in the mansion, but aren't his girlfriends -- yet. That could change quickly if Hefner's relationship with his remaining two girlfriends -- Marquardt, 35, and Wilkinson, 23 -- changes with Marquardt in Europe filming the new Travel Channel series "Bridget's Beaches," and Wilkinson possibly moving out of the mansion and get her own apartment. In true Hef fashion, he said he may again seek out seven -- or more -- girlfriends. The only thing more outrageous than him saying that is the fact that he probably can……

- This literally might be the most absurd legal defense I’ve ever heard of, bar none. Ohio inmate Richard Cooey, scheduled to be executed for killing two University of Akron students in 1986, had been trying to stave off execution by arguing that he is too fat to die by lethal injection. Yes, dude says he’s too fat to be executed. Thankfully, the Ohio Supreme Court has rejected arguments that Cooey is too fat to die by lethal injection. They’ve given the go-ahead to kill of the 41-year-old, which makes sense given the fact that it makes no difference how fat Cooey is - he’s going to die. Dude, it doesn’t matter your health status, you wil be dead when this is over. You’re not going in for a complicated surgery where your doughy physique could complicate matters and put you in peril. The very nature of this procedure puts you in danger BECAUSE THE AIM IS TO KILL YOU. Nice try, but you will now be the first person to be put to death in the state of Ohio since the end of a de facto moratorium on lethal injection. However, thanks for the comedy as we had to hear your attorneys argue that prison food and limited opportunities to exercise contributed to a weight problem that would make it difficult for the execution team to find a viable vein for lethal injection. If they think they can find a vein, that I suppose that’s good enough. Plus, what are prison officials supposed to do, provide extra yard time for a death row inmate and schedule in individual time in the workout room so he can get fit enough to die? I don’t care if Richard Cooey is 5 feet, 7 inches tall and weighs 267 pounds, that sounds like a fine weight to be executed at……..

- Enough of this legal mumbo-jumbo, is Ambiorix Burgos going to be eligible to pitch next season for my fantasy baseball team or not? Seriously, do you have any idea how hard it is to fill the “accused vehicular homicide offender” slot on a roster? Right now the answer looks to be no, because the New York Mets pitcher will be jailed for three months in the city Nagua in the Dominican Republic while awaiting trial for a hit-and-run accident that killed two women. Burgos says a Dominican judge ordered him to remain behind bars Wednesday night out of concerns for his safety - well, that and the safety of innocent pedestrians he might run down in his car in the meantime. But don’t tell Burgos that things don’t look so good for him, because he seems to be operating under the impressons that he’s going to skate on these charges. “I am going to come out of this fine because my conscience is clear, and I'm not worried this will affect my career because I haven't done anything,” he said in the jailhouse interview. That opinion clearly is not shared by prosecutors, who accuse Burgos of abandoning the victims of the Sept. 30 accident and fleeing. The charges can carry six months to two years in prison, which would make him a definite no for my MLB fantasy team but a first-round pick for my Dominican prison fantasy team. Prosecutor Raul Quiroz has also stated that an investigation could lead to additional charges in the deaths of Angely Fana, 29, and Josefina Minaya, 38. Additionally, Fana's mother, Eudosia Ruane, has accused Burgos of intentionally running her daughter over because she refused to go out with him. That sounds like a pretty outrageous claim, and I hope it’s not true, because that kind of reaction would seem to indicate not only criminal tendencies on Burgos’ part, but some serious psychological and anger-management problems. According to witnesses, Burgos was the driver of the Hummer that struck the two women, while Burgos claims that he was sitting in the back seat with his cousin at the wheel. I guess now the question is whether the cousin will fall on the grenade for his famous relative, er, uh, whether Burgos is telling the truth. He’s also working the “people hate successful people” angle, saying that many people in the town are jealous of him and "exaggerate things" because he is the only Major League Baseball pitcher from Nagua. There is another reason for Burgos to need out of prison, other than providing another quality arm for my fantasy team next season; so he can go to court on Oct. 23 court New York, where he faces assault and harassment charges for allegedly throwing his girlfriend to the ground. “I'll get out of here soon, and I'll also clear up what happened in New York,” he said. Ambiorix, I’d like to believe you, but innocent, law-abiding people don’t keep racking up charges that include vehicular homicide, domestic violence and illegal weapon possession. You may have spent last season on the disabled list following elbow ligament replacement surgery, but that adversity is relatively small compared to the predicaments you now find yourself in…..

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