Pacman might try wrasslin', O.J. Simpson might be...no, he is the worst guy ever and Greek checks in with a new episode

- Hey soccer fan, if David Beckham is going to “save” soccer in America, then why is the sport’s most famous and promising young player fleeing Major League Soccer to go play professionally in Portugal with the Benefica soccer club? Freddie Adu, a guy who’s been on the sports radar since his early teens because he was such a prodigy at such a young age, is fleeing American soccer to go play in a place where people actually give a crap about the sport. Soccer (i.e. futbol) in Europe is to Europeans what the NFL is to Americans, so clearly it’s the right move for Adu. He’ll get more money, more fan interest and the chance to play against the best competition in the world. His departure also serves to underscore the hollowness and irrelevance of Beckham coming to MLS. If the biggest young star is leaving for greener pastures, that’s a clear condemnation of the MLS and a surefire statement that Beckham is nothing more than a washed-up, broken-down former star player who can no longer compete at the highest level and whose primary asset at this point is no longer his on-field skill set but rather his name and notoriety. Of course, if Becks keeps missing games because of the ouchie in his ankle, even that notoriety isn’t going to matter much. If you notice, already coverage of the MLS and the L.A. Galaxy have faded to nearly zero less than two weeks after Beckham’s first MLS game. Yeah, but he’s going to save soccer in this country, sure he is soccer fan…………

- A few thoughts on last night’s episode of Greek, bearing in mind that we now know the end point for this season. With the last new episode set for mid-September, last night’s episode dealt in large part with the issue of one of the show’s central characters, Calvin, and his homosexuality. That storyline was advanced by a visit from Calvin’s father, who was on the campus of Cyprus-Rhodes University to help his old fraternity, the Omega Chi’s, win an intramural floor hockey game. Despite the proverbial “dork who wants to play sports and conjures up a magical game despite having no athletic ability” storyline with protagonist Rusty, the episode was still good, although the comedy was more on the back burner than in previous episodes. The drama between Rusty’s sister Casey (Spencer Grammer) and her nemesis, Zeta Beta pledge Rebecca Logan (Dilshad Vadsaria) is a little soap-operatic, but still entertaining. The bitchiness and cat fighting is pretty funny, actually, but not as humorous as scenes with Rusty and his uber-dorky roommate Dale (Clark Duke). Plus, how great was it that Rusty’s frat, Kappa Tau, was willingly “tricked” into haven a drunken rager with the Zeta Betas the night before their big game versus the Omega Chi’s, even after they knew up front that it was a set up to help the Omega Chi’s win the game? You gotta love a group of guys who love drinking, partying and hot chicks so much that they’re willing to get slobbering drunk the night before the big game and still show up to play. Besides which, you can’t not like any show that makes a pointed, sarcastic joke about Dick Cheney shooting a hunting buddy in the face and uses it as a way for one character to teach a lesson to another character, which also happened in this episode. So far, the ratings and reception for the show have been very good, but no final decision on renewing it for a second season has been made. Here’s hoping ABC/ABC Family have the good sense to treat this show better than another great summer series, Traveler, and renew it for another year. As always, if you missed this week's episode, you can watch/record it Friday at 9 p.m. on ABC............

- O.J. Simpson is chipping away at his debt to the family of Ron Goldman, bit by bit. To be fair, he’s not doing it willingly or even of his own accord, but he’s still doing it thanks to a federal bankruptcy judge in Miami. The Goldman’s were awarded the cursed proceeds from the Juice’s how-to murder book, If I Turned Two People into Human Pez Dispensers, Here’s How I Did It. With the book canceled after widespread outrage over its potential release, I don’t know that this decision will go too far in satisfying the $38 million wrongful death judgment against Simpson over the (alleged) murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Nor can I fathom what it would feel like for the Goldman family to receive profits from a book written by the wrongfully acquitted (allegedly) killer of their son about exactly how he “theoretically” sliced up two people and got away with it. And in case you’re out there asking the obvious question, Juice…….yes, you are still the worst guy in the history of the modern world and the race isn’t even close.

- What to do with a year-plus of free time when you’re suspended from the NFL….what to do, what to do…….how about getting involved with a low-rent pro wrestling outfit? Adam “Pacman” Jones, the suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback who recently lost an appeal to Commissioner Roger Goodell to at least attend training camp this year even though he is suspended, is close to a deal with Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA) that would bring him on board in a non-wrestling capacity. Jones’ agent was sure to clarify that Jones would not be actively participating in-ring, which would be a violation of his contract with the Titans. Actually, the Titans are probably hoping he does wrestle and violate the contract so they can void the deal and release him. But even if he’s within his legal and personal rights to be a part of TNA, it might not be the best step for Jones. If you’re looking to clean up your image and get back in the good graces of the Titans and the NFL, associating with the shady world of low-rent pro wrestling isn’t the best way to go about it. Instead, you might want to try not getting arrested, not having any members of your posse involved in shootings outside of strip clubs and not having police seeking you for questioning in any such incidents. The legal advice is free, a gift from me to you, Pac, make good use of it……….

- Speaking of guys going on benders the night before big games, how about Andy Roddick blaming his loss in the semifinals of the Indianapolis championships tennis tournament on………a fast food bender the night before the match. Yeah, that’s right, dude is claiming that downing some fast food grub late in the night prevented him from being at his best the next day. On one hand, I understand where Roddick is coming from. After all, I make it an explicit point of emphasis to avoid any and all things Taco Bell and McDonald’s at all times, partially because of the scare a few months ago with tainted veggies used in Taco Bell grub but mostly because I’m not sure most of the crap on the menus of these places actually qualifies as food. So if A. Roddick downed a couple of bean burritos with some guacamole, an order of nachos bell grande, a chili cheese burrito and an order of nachos late at night, I can see where he might not be right the next day. On the other hand, how the hell do you allow that to happen? First of all, you’re a professional athlete, man, not a competitive eater. Maybe Joey Chesnut or Kobayashi can get away with cramming copious amounts of unsavory, unhealthy grub down their pie holes and not suffer major consequences, but you’re a professional tennis player. A big part of what you do is based on physical fitness, which involves eating right so your body has the right fuel and nutrients. You’re not getting those nutrients from a Quarter Pounder with extra cheese, bacon and mayo, my man, nor are you getting it from a double-decker taco with guacamole. Ultimately though, even if you were weighed down by a fast food bender, you still can’t use that as an excuse for losing a match. It’s weak, it’s pathetic and it might explain why you can’t seem to win the big matches any more, Andy.

Thank you to NutriSystem, the weekend box office winner and a perjury investigation for our friend Alberto Gonzales

- Speaking on behalf of all guys who grew up in the late ‘80s and ‘90s, I want to extend a sincere thank you to NurtiSystem. Up until now, the commercials featuring various past-their-prime athletes and actors extolling the virtues of various weight-loss programs have been alternately creepy, annoying and just plain hokey. However, when I saw the commercial featuring former Boy Meets World babe Danielle Fischel (better known as Topanga), I was pumped. For any guy who grew up watching that show, Fischel was definitely someone you crushed on at some point. Problem is, even back then, she wasn’t the most svelte girl around. She was on TV and she was still pretty cute, but she wasn’t thin by any stretch of the imagination. Thing is, if you can keep control of your weight and physique at that point in your life, in your teens and twenties, that doesn’t bode well for you. You should be at your physical peak at that point, with your metabolism as high as it’s going to be, so that’s your best shot to be in great shape. So it wasn’t a major stunner when, post-Boy Meets World, Fischel packed on the pounds in a hurry. Unless you made a point of looking for her, you didn’t see her on TV or in movies. Following that sabbatical from the public eye, you can imagine how great it was to see her show up on a NutriSystem commercial recently, in no small part due to the fact that she looks better now than she ever has. She even has her own quasi-Baywatch moment, jogging in a revealing bikini on the beach, showing off her new body and bringing back some great memories for all the Topanga fans out there. Even if this is just a temporary fix and D. Fischel eventually swells back up to a portly size, I’m grateful to her and NutriSystem for giving her one shining (and thin) moment in the sun.

- Clearly, the four founders of Bad Newz Kennels are a tight group, bound by an unbreakable oath and a closeness that cannot be measured or described in mere words. Well, until one of them is offered a plea deal by the feds and rolls on the other three to save his own ass. The rat in question would be Tony Taylor, one of the four defendants in the federal dogfighting case that centers on Atlanta Falcons quarterback Mike Vick. Taylor was cited in the original indictment as the person responsible for scouting the Virginia property used for the dogfighting operation, constructing many of the buildings on the property and being a leader in the effort to kill dogs who either wouldn’t fight or lost their fight. Now, Taylor has rolled on his three co-defendants and struck a plea deal with the feds, with his sentencing not until December. I’m sure that sentencing will hinge largely on how effective he is at helping the government build its case against the other three defendants and in testifying at their trial, set to begin Nov. 26. Obviously this is “Bad Newz” for Vick, because the charges against him focus mainly on conspiracy to create a gambling endeavor across state lines and conspiracy to engage in animal fighting and in such cases, each person charged is held responsible for the group’s actions as a whole and the crimes of one are the crimes of all. Thus, with Taylor admitting to what he’s been charged with and implicating Vick and the others, that casts a pretty damning shadow on their protestations of innocence. Surely Vick’s attorneys and the attorneys for the other two men will attack Taylor’s credibility and the credibility of the other four main witnesses in the case, but even if they prove that the witnesses are bad people and stand to benefit from testifying (at least in Taylor’s case), that doesn’t mean they’re not telling the truth. Unfortunately for Vick, there isn’t going to be a plea deal coming for him, partially because he maintains his innocence by mostly because he’s the one the feds are after and they’re not about to cut him any breaks. If I’m Mike Vick right now, I’m doing everything I can to enjoy these next few months of freedom because the chances that he’s going to prison seem to increase exponentially by the day.

- In a development that should surprise exactly no one, The Simpsons Movie was the big winner at the box office this weekend, raking in $71.8 million and outdistancing second-place finisher I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry by nearly $53 million. I’m the first to admit that I am not now, nor have I ever been, down with the whole Simpsons phenomenon. I just don’t find it funny to watch an animated, adult-oriented cartoon with lowest-common-denominator humor, but despite all of that, I’m glad to see any movie at all out-earn the debacle of a picture that Chuck and Larry is. A ginormous collection of gay jokes and Jessica Biel as the token eye candy doesn’t make a worthwhile movie, so props to any film that takes that movie off the top of the earnings list. And yes, I know that I might be one of the 0.7 percent of Americans who aren’t down with the Simpson phenomenon, but I’m OK with that, so don’t waste your time or energy trying to convince me that I need to get on board with it.

- Is anyone else looking forward to a potential perjury investigation of Alberto Gonzales as much as I am? This investigation would be the ultimate slam-dunk, akin to investigating Jose Canseco for steroids, Isaiah Knight for racial insensitivity or Willie Nelson for drug use. The true problem facing Congress should it choose to investigate ol’ Alberto for perjury wont be finding acts of perjury he’s committed; it will be deciding which act of perjury to investigate first. “This is going to have a devastating effect on law enforcement throughout the country if it’s not cleared up,” warned Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt. and the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee. What, you mean having the highest-ranking member of the legal system in our country blatantly ignoring the law, acting illegally and then lying about it to Congress and the American public might be bad for law enforcement? It should be interesting to see how the W. administration tries to get Gonzales out of this mess, because I don’t think the same “I am a member of both the legislative and executive branches and also a member of neither branch at the same time,” excuse that Vice Lord Dick “Shotgun Blast to a Friend’s Face” Cheney used in refusing to turn over documents demanded by the national archives.

- Speaking of Jose Canseco……he might be a scumbag, he might be a lowlife and he might be a publicity seeking, attention-grabbing tool, but that doesn’t necessarily discredit what he has to say about steroid use in Major League Baseball. Two years ago Canseco wrote Juiced, a book about baseball’s steroids culture that led to Congressional hearings, the public excoriating of Mark McGwire and the outing of guys like Ivan Rodriguez and Rafael Palmeiro as alleged roid’ users. Now Canseco has apparently burned through his savings and needs more money and/or more attention, because in a recent interview with a Boston radio station, he hinted at the fact that he’s sitting on more material that could be used in a second book, this time containing “stuff” about New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez. Canseco was squirrelly and evasive when asked if that “stuff” was steroid-related, but I doubt it is. I’m not casting aspersions on the validity of whatever Canseco is alleging; I’m simply saying I don’t believe it has anything to do with steroids. If he had that kind of information, it would have come out long before now and he wouldn’t be waiting for a second book that he doesn’t even have a publishing deal for to reveal it. Based on the fact that large chunks of what he claimed in his first book bore out to be true (some parts were total falsehoods and have never been substantiated, so bear that in mind), I think you have to consider what Jose has to say if and when this second book is published. At that point you can weigh what he says and decide if you believe him, but the fact that he was right about many details in the first book buy him, in my mind, a modicum of credibility and the right to be heard if and when he speaks out again.

- Having never performed an exorcism on a family member or even been inspired to attempt to perform an exorcism on a family member, I can’t exactly wrap my head around what Ronald Marquez was thinking, but I’ll give it a shot. Marquez, 49, was attempting to perform an exorcism on his 3-year-old granddaughter at the family’s Phoenix home when a concerned relative called police. The police showed up, scuffled with Marquez and ultimately had to use stun guns to subdue this maniac, who was literally choking the life out of the toddler as part of the exorcism. After the Taser blasts, Marquez released his hold on the child but then stopped breathing. He could not be revived and was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. The family member who called police said Marquez had also attempted an exorcism on the child on Thursday, so clearly he was bent on getting this thing done. As for wrapping my head around what he was thinking and what went on here, here goes: Ronald Marquez was insane. I thought only crazy characters in poorly made horror movies became convinced that a young child was possessed and tried to choke the evil out of them. Maybe Marquez saw The Omen one too many times, maybe he’s always been insane, but there is no logical or sane explanation for choking a 3-year-old almost to death because you believe they are possessed by demons. Even if you do believe in people being possessed by evil spirits, are you telling me there was no priest or minister you could call to do a normal, conventional exorcism? I’m not up on the proper procedure for those events, but I feel safe in stating that choking someone to death is not part of the protocol.

Beckham is worthless and so are some ESPN analysts

- There he is, David Beckham, leading the soccer revolution in America in that most soccer of ways, sitting on the bench because he has a boo-boo. Becks has missed his second straight game with an ouchie on his ankle, an injury I’m sure is devastating…..to a soft, Euro soccer player. Beckham has already been a ginormous disappointment and his MLS career has barely begun. This guy isn't going to change the way soccer is perceived in America because at the rate he’s going, he can’t even change the perception or performance of a crappy team in a second-rate soccer league. Have you heard anyone raving about Beckham and how exciting following Major League Soccer has become for them since his arrival? More likely, even the people who took the most interest in Beckham coming to America paid attention for all of one game then realized, like most Americans, that they don’t give a crap about the sport and that the only people who truly enjoy it are under the age of 12 and enjoy soccer because it gives them an excuse to go out and run around with their friends, drink Capri Sun and eat orange wedges. Thanks for nothing, Becks, you’ve been every bit the non-factor I knew you would be.

- Those pesky cameras stationed at bank ATM machines are there for a reason. An ATM located at a truck stop in Mansfield, La. began giving out $20 bills instead of $5 bills this week, but authorities claim they already know who took the bonus $7,000 given out by the machine and plan to track them down to recover the cash. Some people run right back to the bank when a teller or ATM gives them even a few dollars more than they were supposed to receive, while clearly some people are content to take the money and run. If that sounds like you, three words of advice: wear a disguise. Slap on the fake nose, mustache and plastic glasses, wear a wig and make sure you cover the license plate on your vehicle just in case. If you’re one of the honest few, take heart in knowing that for once in a world where the liars, thieves and crooks get away with it most of the time (sometimes they even get elected president!), this time doing the wrong thing is going to catch up with someone.

- Good news for all of my stoner readers (put down the Doritos and Cheetos, guys, I’m talking to you) - Trey Anastasio is back with a new album. Potheads worldwide have been really bummed out, dude, ever since Anastasio’s former band, Phish, called it quits. The group was famous for, um, shall we say inspiring a heavily mellow, weed-loving band of followers, so when they broke up, dude, it was bad, man. Anastasio is back with his new album, XXXXXXX, which tries to recapture to Phish vibe and succeeds for the most part, although Anastasio clearly needs to do his own thing and build his own style as well. I’ve never been a Phish fan, nor have I been a fan of being able to get a contact high from a ticket stub two weeks after a concert, but for all you pot-smoking, mellow stoner dudes out there, you’ll want to get your copy of this album ASAP.

- Being a pro football player does not necessarily mean you’re smart. In fact, it often appears to mean that your skills lie solely on the football field and don’t extend to the more, shall we say cerebral parts of life. Take former players and future hall of famers Emmitt Smith and Deion Sanders, two men who were legendary on the field and are now saying legendarily stupid things off of it. Both have tried feeble attempts at rallying to the defense of embattled Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick as he faces mounting federal charges related to a dogfighting ring he and three friends allegedly ran in Virginia. Smith was the first to stick his foot in his mouth, first insisting that the feds were only going after Vick because he’s the “big dog” in the case and they want to attack him to put pressure on those who are really behind the criminal activity, or so Smith theorizes. Emmitt then went on to say that it’s no big deal even if Vick has attended one, five, ten or even twenty dog fights and bet on the events. How magnanimous of you, E., to absolve Mike Vick of blame for some of the most heinous, reprehensible and disgusting acts that most of us have ever heard of. I didn’t even know that was within your power to grant that kind of pardon, so thanks. Then you have Deion, who tried to make an excuse that maybe it’s ok for Vick to be involved in this mess because he wanted to prove he had the biggest, baddest dog on the block, so to speak, and that perhaps Vick, being a pro athlete, identified with those tough dogs and being the top dog. The delicious irony is that both of these guys are paid football analysyts for major TV networks, although I have to second the thoughts of Sports Illustrated writer Peter King when he says that the suits at ESPN must be seriously wondering if they made a terrible mistake in hiring Smith. He’ll have to do better than these moronic comments, otherwise he’ll end up being just as bad and just as unwatchable an analyst as his former Cowboys’ teammate and ex-ESPN analyst Michael “Terrell Owens’ Stool Pigeon” Irvin.

ABC president Stephen McPherson is a moron, a lowlife steals money from a church and NASA can't pull itself together

- Does anyone remember why Lindsay Lohan got famous in the first place? Seriously, as best I can remember, nearly all of her movies have been as unequivocally bad as her newest stink bomb, I Know Who Killed Me. Already reeling from a week filled with legal troubles, a drug-and-booze relapse and criticism coming from every angle, Lohan’s newest movie, which falls into the “torture porn” category that has produced nothing but unwatchable crap in recent months, is receiving the lowest possible rating from nearly every possible source. The plot is absurd and half-baked, the acting is awful and the dialogue is as bad as either of those two things. I know L. Lohan is good for some crazy, scantily clad images in pictures every few weeks, but that alone can't be enough to keep her in the spotlight, can it? There are thousands of skanks out there aspiring to be famous who will pose in little or no clothing and look as good or better than Lohan. Plus, they would give us the added bonus of not putting out movies centering on an amnesiac, one-legged attempted-murder survivor who claims she’s a stripper named Dakota Moss. Think about it people, we can do better………

- Bad news, TV fans….it turns out that the finale of Traveler on July 18 was indeed the series finale, which is not what I had initially posted. The decision to put the show on what producer David DiGilio terms “permanent hiatus” (see his TV Guide blog, http://community.tvguide.com/blog/Celebrity-Blogs/Davids-Traveler-Blog/800048619) is a regrettable one and many fans have spoken out vocally against ABC’s choice, including me. ABC president Stephen McPherson sounded incredibly dumb at the ABC upfront when he addressed the cancellation of the show, saying, “We were disappointed with the way the show was creatively developed.” Disappointed? What, you mean exciting, action-packed hours of drama with a great plot and interesting characters disappoint you? I’m so sorry to hear that, Steve-O, and even sorrier that it will mean the demise of a series I’d really come to like this summer. Again, there’s always a miniscule chance the series could be rescued, but if that’s going to happen fans have to speak out loudly, repeatedly and vocally. I hope you’ll do just that, because with hidden camera crap-fests, lame reality shows featuring hack inventors and other reality shows with D-list celebs ballroom dancing, ABC doesn’t have many good shows to offer, besides Lost and Greek.

- A while back, the WWE claimed that it was instituting its own internal drug-testing program for the company’s wrasslers. At the time everyone cracked jokes about the announcement, figuring it was as phony and scripted as the action in WWE wrestling. After all, with a roster full of jacked-up, chiseled performers that would seem to undoubtedly contain at least a few guys using ‘roids, WWE wouldn’t really test wrestlers and take action against them for using steroids, would it? For WWE’s sake, I hope that they were telling the truth, because in the wake of the Chris Benoit double murder/suicide tragedy, two congressmen who opened steroid hearings into Major League Baseball have requested that World Wrestling Entertainment provide records pertaining to the WWE's testing policies and practices. In a three-page letter dated Friday, Rep. Henry Waxman, the chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, and Tom Davis, the committee’s ranking minority member, asked WWE to provide several documents that should give the committee an in-depth look at WWE's drug-testing policy, including information about the results of performance-enhancing drug tests on wrestlers. The letter from Waxman and Davis cited the influence WWE performers have on young people as a reason for increased scrutiny of the message they would send by using ‘roids. The WWE has until Aug. 24 to respond, and a company spokesman has offered up a perfunctory response that says simply that WWE is “reviewing this letter and will respond accordingly.” As much as I enjoy watching WWE and as impressive as some of the physiques the wrestlers display are, it’s in no way worth it if it means these guys using performance-enhancing drugs that will continue leading to a slew of early deaths for former pro wrestlers.

- Tom Cruise may be weird, he may be insane, he may be creepy, kooky, bizarre and mildly frightening, but that doesn’t mean you get to extort money out of the little man. Two men have been arrested and charged with attempting to extort money from the diminutive, mentally unstable star by demanding a ransom for stolen photographs from his brain washing/wedding in Italy last year to Katie Holmes (come to your senses, Katie, it’s not too late!). David Hans Schmidt, a man known for brokering deals involving compromising photos and videos of celebrities, and Marc Lewis Gittleman, the co-conspirator who helped pull the photos from a discarded computer disk, have been hit with charges including conspiracy to commit extortion and sending communications for purposes of extortion. Schmidt allegedly approached Cruise’s reps six weeks ago with a $1 million ransom demand in exchange for the photos. Cruise’s crew then called the FBI, which in turn had little trouble unraveling the poorly constructed, meteorically stupid plan of Schmidt and Gittleman. It’s reassuring to know that sometimes in this world of oft-miscarried justice, stupid people get what they deserve.

- Of all the companies in Houston to emulate the business plan of, can I ask why NASA seems to have chosen Enron as a role model? No, NASA isn't guilty of egregiously dishonest, illegal financial practices, but they seem to be doing just about everything else wrong and ruining their reputation faster than you can say “Astronaut wearing adult diapers.” NASA’s recent run of black eyes began when Lisa Marie Nowak drove from Houston to Orlando to confront another woman in an astronaut love triangle, then the problems continued earlier this week when an unidentified NASA employee sabotaged a computer that was to have been transported by the space shuttle Endeavor to the international space station in a couple weeks. Now comes news that NASA may have ignored evidence of astronaut drinking and as a result put missions in danger, according to a panel of outside experts. The panel claims that after drinking heavily, one astronaut flew on a Russian spacecraft and another was cleared for flight on a space shuttle. Based on interviews it conducted, the panel says that NASA officials ignored the advice of flight surgeons and other astronauts who warned of safety risks because the astronauts in questions had too much to drink. The chairman of the panel, Col. Richard Bachmann Jr., did not expound much on the allegations but said the panel was informed about multiple infractions involving alcohol. The news was another punch to the junk for NASA, which still has not fully cleared up many of the issues that arose with the demise of the space shuttle Columbia. But hey, look at it this way, it’s not as if we’re trusting these people with billions of dollars, allowing them control over potentially deadly and dangerous situations and giving them clearance to send people out into space…..oh wait, we are…………

- It takes a complete and total lowlife to hatch a 10-year plan to steal thousands of dollars from the collection plate at their local church. William Biunno, 71, of Mountainside, N.J. has been charged with stealing nearly $28,000 over 11 years from the collection plate during Sunday Mass at Our Lady of Lourdes Roman Catholic Church. Church officials caught Biunno on tape with his hand in the collection plate, removing money instead of putting it in. Other than robbing little old ladies, scamming seniors out of their Social Security checks and pyramid schemes, this is just about the lowest, most despicable way to make money that I’ve heard in a long time. People come to church and try to give money to God and to the work the church is doing and there you are, ripping off God, church and fellow parishioners all in one fell swoop. Maybe next time there’s a sermon on the Eighth Commandment, you should pay special attention Mr. Biunno, remember, “Thou shalt not steal………..”

More NFL knuckleheads, more NASA nut cases and I'm behind North Dakotans looking to legalize hemp

- I’ve found a good cause to throw my weight behind: the legalization of hemp in North Dakota. Your response is probably that advocating the legalization of hemp is akin to legalizing marijuana (which I favor for medicinal purposes), but that’s where you’d be wrong. Although hemp contains small, small traces of tetrahydrocannabinol, the psychoactive substance better known as THC in marijuana, and the two are from the same genus and species, hemp is in no way the same as marijuana in terms of usage. No one smokes hemp to get high; they use hemp to make clothes, lotions, car door panels, insulation, jewelry and more. The leading advocate for the legalization of hemp in North Dakota is David C. Monson, a farmer, high school principal and Republican state legislator in the state who sees his idea as “practical agriculture.” Six states across the country considered similar measures to the one that Monson is proposing over the past year, and Representative Ron Paul, R-Tex., introduced a bill in Washington, D.C. that would let states allow such crops. Still, North Dakotans have been the most outspoken on the issue, going so far as to have the state legislature has pass a bill allowing farmers to grow industrial hemp and creating an official licensing process to fingerprint such farmers and a global positioning system to track their fields. Of course, our stiff, rigid and bullsh*t-filled federal government is against the idea, citing the Controlled Substances Act. “Basically hemp is considered the same as marijuana,” said Steve Robertson, a special agent for the D.E.A. at its Washington headquarters. “We’re an enforcement agency. We’re sworn to uphold the law.” Right, Mr. Robertson, because we wouldn’t want to take a closer look at the law and see if it can be adapted and redefined to better address the issues it was actually designed to address. Good thinking on that one, D.E.A. Keep up the fight, North Dakota, hemp ought to be legalized and it looks like you’re the right ones to lead the fight.

- Amidst all of the uproar over the gambling scandal involving former NBA referee Tim Donaghy is the fact that a player who in many ways is the face of the league is building a new, 40,000-square-foot home that has its own freakin’ casino. You may remember hearing a few months back that LeBron James was constructing a mansion in the Akron, Ohio suburb of Bath Township. The house will be ginormous and boast things like a barber shop, basketball court, movie theater, two-story walk-in closet and the aforementioned casino. I know that the NBA can't control things like this, but how ironic is it that James is building this monstrosity at the very time the league is in the throes of a huge gambling scandal that has the potential to do major, possibly irreversible damage to its rep? Yes, there won't be any sports book action and money being bet on games at the in-house casino. Presumably it’ll be a place where James and his friends go to play poker, shoot some craps and have a good time, with James running the place himself. Still, if you listen to former mob boss and now anti-gambling advocate Michael Franzese (which I highly recommend you do), he vociferously states to anyone who asks that any involvement with gambling or gaming by athletes is a bad idea and can lead to nothing but negative ramiprecussions. Hopefully nothing comes out of James and his home casino, but it does go to show you how ingrained gambling and gaming are with these pro athletes; it’s something they feel the need to do regularly, even when it results in them losing tens of thousands of dollars and puts them in compromising situations.

- For the second time in his career, Michael Vick is having an apparel ban of some sort dropped on him by the NFL. Acouple years ago, the league had to prohibit fans from ordering Vick’s #7 jersey with the name “Mexico” printed on the back after Vick gave an unsuspecting woman herpes after sleeping with her and she came back to sue him. At that time, the NFL decided that fans would no longer be able to personalize Vick jerseys with the Mexico name, but right now that ban isn't looking so severe. As of today, NFLShop.com will not be selling any Michael Vick-related items and Reebok has stopped all sales of Vick jerseys, to which the company has the rights. A few weeks ago, it would have been hard to fathom an NFL without Vick in it, as he’s been one of the faces of the league for the past six years. More and more, though, the developments in the federal dogfighting case against him are making it plausible that not only could Vick miss the 2007 season, he could be done in the NFL altogether. A conviction on the charges he’s facing would definitely mean prison time under strict, inflexible federal sentencing guidelines, and from everything being said about the case, no one would be surprised if the Falcons released Vick no matter what the outcome of this case, barring a swift and improbable dismissal of all charges against him.

- Following the new NFL personal conduct policy that Commissioner Roger Goodell has set forth shouldn’t be this difficult for players. If you can avoid getting arrested, stay off drugs and behave like a somewhat normal citizen, you’ll have no trouble with Goodell. Yet players continue to get arrested for driving drunk, get into brawls at clubs, test positive for steroids and end up behind bars at an alarming rate. A large chunk of the trouble seems to be happening at clubs, especially strip clubs, so you’d think players would wise up and avoid this type of establishment. Carolina Panthers offensive lineman Jeremy Bridges clearly is not one of the smarter members of the league, because he now stands accused of misdemeanor assault for allegedly pulling a gun on a female employee during an altercation at a strip club in Charlotte. With no prior run-ins with the law (none of note, anyhow), and being a first-time offender of the NFL’s player conduct policy, Bridges might escape without a suspension, but then again, Goodell is suspending guys for just about everything this side of parking tickets, so maybe not. But good thinking by Bridges here, I mean who’s more dangerous than a chick working at a strip club? Plus, what solves an incident better than pulling a gun on a woman you weigh twice as much as? Players should just abide by the simple rule that if you feel like you need to take a gun to a place you’re going, maybe it’s a place you should be going to begin with. Start using your brain, Bridges, or Goodell will have you on the suspended list along with Mike Vick, Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Odell Thurman………and the list just keeps going.

* A brief addendum: The Panthers have gone ahead and suspended Bridges for the first two games of the regular season, clearly trying to beat the commish to the punch.

- Does NASA make a point of hiring psychopathic nut jobs? I only ask because after astro-nut Lisa Marie Nowak’s cross-country caper several months ago to kidnap/murder another woman involved in an astronaut love triangle, it became clear that NASA doesn’t do the best job of monitoring the mental stability of its employees. Now comes news that an unidentified NASA employee tried to sabotage the space shuttle Endeavor less than two weeks before the ship was to take flight. This loose cannon purposely damaged a computer inside the shuttle by cutting wires inside the machine, which is supposed to be delivered to the international space station by the Endeavor. The computer is supposed to monitor the strain on a space station beam and relay the information to flight controllers on Earth. The saboteur also damaged a second computer that wasn’t intended to be on the flight. No motive was given, but speaking of motives, this should be ample motivation for NASA to step up its security and mental health evaluations for anyone on its payroll that gets anywhere near a shuttle. Tighten things up, NASA, we can't have a government agency running so inefficiently, ineffectively and out of control, can we? Take a look around, see if you have any other agencies and departments running amok like that…….besides Alberto Gonzales and the Justice Department, and besides the war in Iraq and besides Vice Lord Cheney and his direct defiance of the National Archives requesting information he’s bound to turn over….aww, screw it. The entire administration is one ginormous joke, so why should NASA be any different?

A classic drug excuse, a cyber-tool gets what he deserves and an angry passenger concocts a terrible plot

- It never ceases to amaze me how many people are carrying around their friends’ or family members’ drugs in their pockets or vehicles. Seriously, when was the last time someone was pulled over or arrested by police, found to have drugs on them and openly admitted to being the owner of said drugs? Every time, especially when the person in question is a celebrity or pro athlete, the individual goes to the, “They’re not mine, they belong to (friend/family member),” card. Lindsay Lohan is merely the latest to read from this tired script, trying to spin her arrest on misdemeanor driving under the influences, driving without a license and felony cocaine possession charges. She maintains her innocence on the drug charges, but I haven't heard her deny the driving-related offenses, which is good. After all, it is hard to deny driving without a license when you currently have your license suspended and were pulled over while driving your vehicle. But I’ll be fascinated to hear how someone else’s drugs magically appeared in your pocket, L. After all, drug users aren't known for being the most trustworthy, lasseiz-faire people when it comes to their drugs. They generally don’t hand their coke, weed or X over to someone else - they tend to want it in their possession so they can use it and don’t have to worry about someone else having it and ripping them off. But no worries, because someone who is clearly a stable, mature and responsible individual, as Lohan clearly is, should have no trouble beating a rum rap like this. That is, of course, assuming she can find time in between her continual trips to and from rehab to appear in court and defend herself.

- Internet squatters are one of the lower life forms on this planet, mostly because they look to buy up domain names they know companies and organizations will want in the future and then try to extort massive payments out of those companies and organizations in exchange for the rights to those domain names. In other words, they’re trying to earn a lot of money for doing nothing other than being a greedy weasel. That level of low-lifeness was taken even lower by Keith Malley, a man from New York who pirated the www.thesimpsonsmovie.com IP address, used it to divert people to a porn site and his own personal perverted site and then tried to bilk Twentieth Century Fox out of $50,000 for rights to the name. The World Intellectual Property Organization, a U.N. agency dealing in these types of matters, ruled that Malley must turn over the domain name to Fox and cannot force the company to pay him for it. Too bad for you, Malley, but you got exactly what you deserved: nothing. Just because Fox is a massive international company with deep pockets doesn’t mean you get to rip them off. Next time, come up wit a better scam, one that doesn’t involve you funneling unsuspecting Internet users to sites promoting sexual freakery.

- You’re going to be floored by this next piece of news, so brace yourself. Documents acquired by senators investigating Alberto Gonzales litany of lies, misdeeds and misconduct as attorney general directly contradict statements ol’ Alberto made in a hearing just a few days ago. Where have I seen this before…..oh right, last time Gonzales testified before Congress. He doesn’t seem to be able to tell the truth much in these kinds of settings or in any other settings for that matter. Actually, Congress might want to hit Alberto with a heavy dose of sodium pentathal before he testifies again, otherwise the lying is likely to keep on going. The new documents given to senators show that eight congressional leaders were briefed about the W. administration’s terrorist surveillance program on the eve of its expiration in 2004, directly contradicting statements Gonzales made before Senate committee earlier this week. At that hearing, Gonzales repeatedly insisted that the meeting in question had nothing to do with the surveillance program, but rather focused on an ambiguous, undefined intelligence program that he refused to discuss or elaborate on. Right, because that sounds soooo convincing. “No guys, that meeting was about a double-secret, top-level classified intelligence program that I really can't talk about.” How convenient for you, Mr. Gonzales, and by convenient I mean it was a blatant and obvious lie designed to disguise more of your own illegal and unethical actions. This isn't going very well for you, A., so maybe you should stop lying for a while and just shoot straight with the senators and the American public. I know it’s a new concept and it’s scary, but it’s your best option.

- I’m thankful to see that Cleveland Browns draft pick Brady Quinn has his priorities in order. While holding out from training camp and demanding that the Browns pay him like a top-five pick even though he was picked 22nd because he believes he was a top-five talent and the team had him rated as such, Quinn is busy appearing at area malls, signing autographs for $75 and also appearing on local sports talk radio shows. Instead of signing a rookie contract in line with the spot where he was picked, Quinn and his representatives continue to demand that he be paid for how talented they think he is and where they think he should have been picked. Sorry guys, but that’s not how this works. The NFL isn't a league where you can tell people how much you think you deserve and they blindly follow along even when there’s direct, contradictory evidence right at hand. Furthermore, Quinn looks like an idiot for holding out when he could very well have had a shot at winning a starting job if he had been in camp on time and performed to the high level that he thinks he should be paid at. Browns fans are tired of having a crappy team and they’re not going to have a lot of sympathy for a guy who could help their team but elects to put his own bank account ahead of getting on the field and being part of that team. The reality is that if Quinn is as good as he and his stool pigeons say he is and his performance on the field reflects that, then he’ll get the money he’s after - he just needs to prove it.

- Missing your flight sucks, period. For a traveler, there’s no worse feeling than rushing to get to the gate in time, only to realize that you’ve missed the plane and now you’re not going to get where you need to go on time. Sometimes you miss a flight and it’s your fault, sometimes it’s circumstances beyond your control, but either way, throwing out a bomb threat for the plane you were supposed to be on and missed is an unacceptable way to deal with the situation. This incredibly intelligent, thoughtful plot was hatched by an unidentified man at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport who missed a departing Northwest Airlines flight on Wednesday. What exactly are you hoping to accomplish by doing that? Like you’re going to force the plane to turn around and come back, then admit you were kidding and say, “Hey, since the plane is back, just go ahead a let me on board?” Bad news, you ginormous tool, when you make a bomb threat, whether it’s legit or fake, there’s one place you’re going and it’s not aboard a plane - it’s jail, moron. Perhaps this dude was looking to exact some revenge on the airline for having its flight take off on time when he was running late. If so, he sure showed them, eh? They brought the plane back and then sent it on its way, while this guy gets to face criminal charges for his brilliant bomb-threat plan. Sounds like an even exchange to me………..

- For those pointing to NASCAR driver Greg Biffle as the first “pro athlete” to speak out in condemnation of Michael Vick and his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring, I have to say that you are all dead wrong. To make that statement is to make one critical assumption that is in fact very, very inaccurate: that race car drivers are in fact athletes. For the one millionth time, sitting in the driver’s seat of a car, pressing the gas pedal, turning the steering wheel and going around in circles with a bunch of other losers does not make you an athlete. A glorified motorist with a colorful jumpsuit, yes; a legitimate, well-conditioned professional athlete with actual athletic skills, no. Biffle is certainly free to say what he wants, so long as he realizes that his opinion doesn’t matter - at least no more than any person you’d talk to on the street. I value the views of the neighborhood butcher, the crossing guard outside the local elementary school or the guy who fixes my lawnmower as much as I do Biffle’s thoughts on the Vick case. Now if G. Biffle wants to weigh in on what the best kind of spark plugs are or how often I should rotate the tires on my car, I’m all ears. Otherwise, Biffle, know your role……AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Bigots still exist, the iPhone disappoints and Alberto Gonzales lies...again....and again....and again

- Six months ago, Ian Johnson was part of the best college football game I’ve seen in years and one of the best underdog stories in sports, period, when he scored the winning two-point conversion in Boise State’s Fiesta Bowl win over national power Oklahoma. After scoring the winning conversion, Johnson immediately made his way through the end zone, over to the sideline where he dropped down on one knee and proposed to girlfriend Chrissy Popadics, a Boise State cheerleader. It was a cool capper for an amazing night of football and a genuine feel-good story all around. It’s continued to be a feel-good story…..right up to the point where Johnson and Popadics were forced to hire security guards for their wedding this weekend because they have received death threats based on the fact that Johnson, a black guy, is marrying a white girl. That’s right, some backwoods, backwater, backwards, socially retarded thinkers out there have been so incredibly classless, socially stunted and small-minded as to send death threats to two college kids because they’re getting married and are of different racial backgrounds. It wouldn’t surprise me if some of those threats came from people who regularly wear hoods and giant white sheets, if you catch my drift, but there’s never, ever any excuse for anything like this. Even if you want to hold an outdated, bigoted and just plain wrong belief such as the belief that interracial marriages are wrong, you have no right at all to threaten, harass or even belittle those who enter into such a relationship. The biggest issue you should have with a wedding is what music to play at the reception, what color to make the bridesmaid dresses, etc. - not how many security guards to hire. As much of a long shot as it is, I hope that the police are able to find out who is making these death threats and prosecutes them to the fullest extent, because that type of backwards-thinking, racist person is hurting society a lot more than they are contributing to it.

- So maybe the new iPhone from Apple isn't the be all, end all of technological marvels that it was supposed to be. Numbers released yesterday by AT&T show that in the first two days after the iPhone’s release last month, a significantly lower number of the new phones were sold and activated than had been predicted. Analysts had theorized that as many as 500,000 iPhones would be sold the first few days, but the actual total ended up being 146,000. In related news, shares of Apple stock closed down $8.81 a share Tuesday, a 6.1 percent drop that put the value of an individual share at $134.89. Of all the possible results for the release of the iPhone, selling less than a third of the number of new phones than was predicted wasn’t one of the more expected outcomes. Glitches and bugs in the phone, maybe. Problems with service and reception on the phone, also plausible. But that hundreds of thousands of people would look at the iPhone, see what it has to offer and say, “Nah, I’ll pass,” wasn’t what most people expected.

- As a regular user of Facebook, I was surprised to hear that a rival site is suing Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg for allegedly stealing their idea. The three founders of ConnectU, a social networking site similar
to Facebook, have sued Zuckerberg on the basis that they originally came up with the concept he used for the site and asked Zuckerberg to finish the computer code for their project while all of them were students at Harvard. Instead, the plaintiffs contend that he repeatedly stalled and put them off, only to pirate their idea and pass it off as his own. The lawsuit they filed will be heard at the U.S. District Court in Boston and the suit asks the court to shutter Facebook and give control of the company and its assets to the three founders of ConnectU. Part of me wants to ask if these three just finished watching The Italian Job on DVD and were inspired by Seth Green’s character’s continual claims that he was the real Napster and that Shawn Fanning stole the idea while both were students at…..Harvard. Either way, these three had better hope they have documented proof that they had the idea first, because unless they can provide more than a case of their word versus Zuckerberg’s, their lawsuit is going to be bounced quickly and with prejudice.

- The tenure of Alberto Gonzales as U.S. Attorney General was summed up nicely by a group of senators questioning him at hearings on Capitol Hill, with that summation coming in the form of two words: unqualified and deceitful. Gonzales’ part in the firing of eight federal prosecutors and his role in W.’s federal eavesdropping program have been under intense scrutiny mostly because he’s clearly done illegal things and lied about them repeatedly. For four hours on Tuesday, senators grilled Gonzales about a number of things, including allegations that he pressured a hospitalized attorney general into approving a counterterror program that the Justice Department considered illegal. As is his custom, Gonzales evaded, double-talked or outright refused to answer many questions. “It’s hard to see anything but a pattern of intentionally misleading Congress again and again,” criticized Sen. Russ Feingold, D-Wis. Nobody knows lying and deceit better than Congress, so if Sen. Feingold says something like that, I’m going to go ahead and believe it to be true. Well, to be fair, I’ve seen enough of the testimony ol’ Alberto has given to see his pattern of hemming, hawing and double-talking to know that he’s a lying sack of s**t. Hopefully this hearing will restart the pressure on Gonzales and his crew for all they’ve done, especially the illegal and politically motivated firings of those eight attorneys general. Ah, the W. administration……….it’s FAN-tastic!

- It’s not a good day for social networking sites, because not only is Facebook facing a federal lawsuit, MySpace is in the spotlight because it now appears that the site, best described as an adolescent version of Facebook, is an even bigger haven for pedophiles than originally thought. An internal investigation by MySpace found more then 29,000 registered sex offenders with profiles on the site, more than four times the number the company had initially estimated. North Carolina State Attorney General Roy Cooper and his colleagues had recently demanded that the News Corp.-owned site provide detailed information about how many sex offenders were registered on MySpace and where they live, but I doubt that either Cooper or MySpace execs were expecting such a disturbingly high number of sexual deviants and freaks. Anyone who has ever had an account on MySpace, well that’s a different story. I think anyone who has used the site even a bit would think that 29,000 might be seriously underselling things.

- What’s the big fuss? Who doesn’t have $207 million in spare change laying around their house? For some reason, when police discovered that amount of money at the Mexico City home of Maryland businessman Zhenli Ye Gon, they got suspicious and that suspicion culminated in Gon’s arrest on Monday on charges of operating one of the biggest drug trafficking rings ever discovered in the Western Hemisphere. Gon allegedly was in charge of an operation that supplied the main chemical ingredient in making meth. He was arrested in a restaurant in Silver Springs, Md. and something tells me he’s going to have a hard time making a case for his innocence. There aren't a lot of ways to legally accumulate $207 million and those who do earn that kind of cash legally don’t tend to keep it in physical form at their home. Those people - the Paul Allens, Warren Buffetts and Bill Gates of the world - they usually keep their hundreds of millions of dollars in banks and investments. And of course, this is definitely going to drive up the price of meth, so all my druggie readers will want to make sure they’re stocked up before prices start soaring…...kidding. I don’t have that many druggie readers, I don’t think…………

Thoughts on last night's Greek, today's NBA news and 2008's presidential election

- Last night was another good episode for the new ABC Family series Greek, which makes the show three for three so far. Maybe this is a cynical way to view it, but if I’ve watched three episodes of a show and not once said to myself, “Hey, this kinda sucks right now,” then I’d qualify that series as successful. Aside from the continued hint, hint and wink, wink suggestions that Calvin, a friend of main character Rusty and a pledge for a rival fraternity, is gay and the fact that the show keeps going out of its way to drop heavy-handed hints and clues about it without any of the characters actually picking up on it, which is getting old quickly, I don’t have any gripes. Actor Jacob Zachar, cast in the role of Rusty, an uber-geek if there ever was one, is a perfect fit…….right down to the most pipe cleaner-ish, pasty white arms and legs I’ve ever seen. Seriously, the scene in this week’s episode with Rusty in the gym, trying to lift weights and hit on girls, was hilarious on several levels, not the least of which is the fact that his arms appear to be about two centimeters in diameter at most. The show is also aspiring to levels higher than the usual college show about sex, partying and slackers, attempting (successfully for the most part) to mix in interesting dramatic elements like the relationship between Rusty’s sister, Casey and her boyfriend Evan after he cheated on her. Also, the writers and producers are doing a good job of giving some depth to Rusty, keeping his geeky core while also making him funny, likeable and believable. His decision not to have sex with a girl his fraternity brother Cappie set him up with for the expressed purpose of having sex was somewhat predictable, but it still made him a more sympathetic character overall. With Traveler done for the summer, Greek is the lone show left that I recommend watching for the duration of the summer, so if you missed this week’s episode you can watch, tape or TiVo it on Friday at 9 p.m. on ABC.

- NBA Commissioner David Stern has spent years building as reputation as a smart, polished, smooth and slightly arrogant man, a man very much in charge of his empire. As such, it was jarring to see Stern at the podium today as he addressed the scandal involving former NBA referee Tim Donaghy and Donaghy’s alleged gambling indiscretions that may involve him shaving points and/or affecting the outcome of games he refereed. Stern tried to lay out the league’s policies in relation to gambling and their investigation into a series of misdeeds and misconduct by Donaghy over the past year, but clearly he was rattled and on edge as he spoke. The confident, poised expression was gone and he looked thoroughly overwhelmed as he attempted to pin all of the blame on Donaghy as one rogue, out-of-line ref who in no way an indication of a larger problem in the NBA. This stance does beg the question of how Stern can say this for sure when the league clearly had no idea that Donaghy was altering the outcomes of games prior to a few months ago. If they didn’t know he was doing it, why should we believe the league would know if other officials were as well? By Stern’s own admission, Donaghy was considered one of the NBA’s better referees, so if that’s the case, they thought he was doing a good job even as he was messing with point spreads, making intentionally bad calls and generally kowtowing to the orders of bookies he owed money to. The NBA needs to be honest and face up to the seriousness of the dilemma it’s smack dab in the middle of, because this isn't something they can just pin totally on Donaghy and wash their hands of. It’s bigger than that, so Stern and Co. need to deal with that reality.

- Memo to all candidates in the 2008 presidential election: If you want to win, one guaranteed in with millions of voters will be making sure that the new two-year plan formulated by American military commanders for Iraq doesn’t play out fully. In about 18 months, our new president will take office (thank God!) and if that new president can assure the American public that this buffoonish two-year plan is shortened and that American troops will be coming home prior to that two-year mark, that will win him major points with many, many voters (definitely with me). I realize that with the tool we currently have in office, our military needs to plan out for a future that includes their presence in Iraq, but just because they formulate a strategy for the next two years doesn’t mean we need to follow it out to its bitter end. W. is probably slightly pissed that it’s only a two-year plan; that idiot was probably hoping for a seven or eight-year plan at minimum. You suck, W., and the 2008 election can't come soon enough.

- File this under the heading of great cause, bad execution. Music legends Quincy Jones and Russell Simmons, along with fashion icon Tommy Hilfiger, are organizing a concert to raise funds for a Martin Luther King Jr. monument on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. It’s a terrific idea, one that’s long overdue…..but when the headliners for your concert are the beefy, makeup-hawking Queen Latifah, Garth Brooks and Kenny “Babyface” Edmonds, exactly who are you honoring? MLK was a great man, a civil rights pioneer and someone we would all do well to emulate, so why get a portly, waaaay-past-her-prime female rapper, a country musician who’s even further past his prime and a guy who hasn’t had even a minor hit in the past five years? What, was Wilson Phillips not available? Could Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch or Vanilla Ice or O-Town not be secured for a performance? I sincerely hope this monument is financed and built very soon, but I can’t help but feel bad that such an amazing and powerful leader is being “honored” by such a crappy slate of performers.

- A big, heart yawn goes out for the announcement of Drew Carey as the new host of The Price is Right. I didn’t care about the show when Bob Barker hosted it, so I certainly don’t care about it now that a B-list, overweight actor whose main claim to fame is hosting an improv comedy show that’s a copycat of a British show from about a decade and a half ago. Seeing Drew and his trademark horn-rimmed glasses explain Plink-O and the giant wheel to contestants and challenge them to guess the price of laundry detergent and baked beans just doesn’t float my boat. I just wonder if like B. Barker, Drew has free reign to grope, flirt with and hit on all of the showcase models, or if that was a privilege reserved for the old man only. Congrats on the big break, I guess, just know that it’s pretty much a concession that you’re giving up on your acting career and admitting that hosting crappy game and comedy shows that require little or no actual talent is the best you can hope for.

Canned meat recalled, a horrible movie is box officer leader and Hugo Chavez fires back at those calling him a dictator....by being a dictator

- Curt Schilling has an opinion on everything, baseball and non-baseball, so most of the time I read a comment of his on a particular topic and go on my way, nonplussed. However, his recent comments about the idea that he could sign with the New York Yankees caught my attention because they highlight something that’s been bothering me recently. Schilling said he could never play for the Yankees because doing so would be “phony and disingenuous” and would invalidate his years playing with the Yankees’ archrival Boston Red Sox. Left unsaid by Schill but clearly seen in the subtext of his comments is a scathing condemnation of former teammate Johnny Damon, who did the very thing that Schilling says would make him phony and disingenuous. Damon bolted the Red Sox for the Yankees following Boston’s 2004 World Series title, choosing a 4-year, $60 million contract over staying with a team where he was a cult hero. Seeing Damon with the Yankees now is one of the most disheartening, pathetic things I’ve experienced as a baseball fan lately. He went from being one of the self-proclaimed “Idiots” with the 2004 Red Sox to a cleaned-up corporate sellout with the Yankees. Gone are the Idiot trademarks of long, flowing hair, a scraggly beard and a general goofy demeanor; in their place are a neat, tight, heavily-producted ‘do, no beard and a buttoned-up, boardroom persona that are just detestable. Damon is a shell of his former self on the field as well, mostly reduced to being a designated hitter and almost never playing center field where he made a name for himself with a reckless, all-out style in Boston and Oakland. For once I agree with Schilling, because no matter how much money Big Stein gives you, signing with the Yankees will always be selling out and selling a piece of your baseball soul in the process.

- Welcome to Venezuela, where you can keep your freakin’ mouth shut or you can leave. That alluring, inviting new slogan for tourism that I am so generously bequeathing to the Venezuelan board of tourism comes courtesy of inspiration provided by President Hugo Chavez, who says that any foreigners who publicly criticize him or the country’s government while in Venezuela will be expelled from its borders. Chavez, ever the overbearing dictator and oppressor, ordered Venezuelan officials to closely monitor international figures on visits to the South American nation and boot them out if they speak out against Chavez and his administration. “How long are we going to allow a person - from any country in the world - to come to our own house and say there’s a dictatorship here, that the president is a tyrant and nobody does anything about it?” Chavez whined. Points for going to the “Protect this house!” card, Hugo, I can see someone has been brushing up on his Under Armour commercials. But you’re right, what better way to show that you’re not an oppressive, fascist dictator than to take away the rights of visitors to your country to speak out against your oppressive, fascist, dictatorial ways? Nothing says free and easy, relaxed and friendly ruler of a nation quite like putting a gag order on anyone who dares dissent with your political views. Should I go ahead and assume that I am not welcome in Venezuela? This is quite frankly a very disappointing development because a while ago, I had thought Mr. Chavez and I were on the same page. He went to the U.N. and openly denounced W. for a variety of political reasons and I said to myself, “Now there is a smart, thoughtful guy!” But now H. Chavez goes and does something like this and he and I are once again at odds. Thanks for ruining what could have been a truly beautiful friendship, Hugo.

- So there weren't any good movie released over this past weekend…….and how do I know this, you ask? Did I go and see all of the new releases in theaters and use that firsthand knowledge to formulate an informed opinion? No, I simply looked at the top of the box office earnings list for the weekend, saw that I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry was the top-grossing movie and correctly deduced that if such an abysmal, clichéd, canned hack job of a movie was the one that the most people went to see, then there must not have been any good flicks hitting theaters the past few days. This movie has accurately been described as what you’d get if you rounded up all of the worst, lamest gay jokes you and your friends have ever told and threw them all into one script, mixed with a pathetic plot and not much else. Sorry to the producers of this movie, but as hot as Jessica Biel is, she’s not hot enough for me to pay ten bucks to go and watch your crappy movie for two hours just to see her. I knew that the lull between Ocean’s Thirteen, Transformers and the rest of the early-summer blockbusters and The Bourne Ultimatum on August 3 was going to be a down time for movies, I just didn’t know it was going to be this bad…………

- Would you have guessed that there would be a major recall of canned meat products in America and Spam wouldn’t be involved? It’s true, the long-running butt of canned meat-related jokes is clear of this story, which involves Georgia-based meat processing company Castleberry Food Co. recalling more than 80 brands of stew, chili, corned beef hash and other meat products in connection with a botulism outbreak. This is in addition to ten other brands of meat products the company had already recalled after consumers reported illnesses coming after consuming them. This would be yet another illustration of the truth in the old saying, “Never eat any meat that comes out of a can.”

- Wow…..I may openly and continually ridicule the dorky, loser-ish actions of Harry Potter fans as they dress up in costumes despite being middle-aged adults, but it’s still amazing to note that the last installment of the popular children’s book series sold 8.3 million copies in its first day on store shelves. Even great books by well-known and accomplished authors like Tom Clancy, John Feinstein and John Grisham don’t reach that type of lofty number in their entire run in stores and online, yet J.K. Rowling has sold that many books in one day. Thankfully, from pictures I have seen, many of the buyers are children or at least adults dressed normally, so it could be worse. Also worth noting is the fact that at $290 million in sales, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows brought in more than three times as much as the last Harry Potter movie did in theaters. Still, I am proud to say that I am one of the select few, someone who has never read a single word of any of these books or seen even a second of one of the movies in the series. For those of you who have, I do wonder what will fill the empty void in your lives now that no new Harry Potter books are on the horizon………..

Smashing Pumpkins return, Esai Morales joins a dubious club and soccer falls flat on its face in L.A.

- Bill Corgan is not one of the more beloved figures in the music world. That’ll happen when you date a loud, belligerent lightning rod of a woman like Courtney Love, as Corgan did before Love married Kurt Cobain. The perception of arrogance and over-the-top showmanship that Corgan is tagged with doesn’t help either, so when Billy reforms Smashing Pumpkins for a new album after several years doing solo projects and albums with other project bands, some people are going to rip the album no matter what simply because they dislike Corgan. I’m not one of those people and even though I’m not the world’s biggest Pumpkins fan, Zeitgeist is a good (not great) album that I’d rank somewhere between 7 and 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. The first single off the album, “Tarantula”, showcases the arena rock, hard-charging style that has been visible on most of the Pumpkins’ popular songs over the past decade-plus, but the album overall suffers from Corgan’s superficial, no-thought-involved lyrical style that shows little to no creativity on most songs. Longtime Pumpkins fans will find enough on the disc to enjoy it and not completely regret buying it, but it’s not an album that’s going to win over any new converts. It will probably accomplish its goal; namely making Corgan and mates a lot more money in album sales and touring revenue, but beyond that it will go down as just another rock album that was good, not great.

- Actor Esai Morales, welcome to the Ron Mexico Club. Ron Mexico, you may remember, was the fake name used by Atlanta Falcons quarterback and accused dogfighter and dog murderer Michael Vick when he was traveling out of the country and had sex with a woman, infecting her with herpes (allegedly). Morales stands accused of doing the same - well, sans the fake name part of the equation - by former girlfriend Elizabeth Mazzocchi. She is suing Morales for $25,000 based on charges that he assaulted her and intentionally infected her with herpes, a charge that Morales disputes. Well, that would be the ultimate “screw you” to an ex-girlfriend who treated you like crap……..but here’s hoping that those charges aren't true. A question for Mazzocchi, though: How is it that if Morales had herpes you never got it while the two of your were dating and presumably sleeping together? Are you trying to tell me that he went out and got herpes after you two broke up (either intentionally or otherwise) and then came back to have sex with you so he could infect you? I’m going to go ahead and say that I highly doubt this claim, it sounds a lot more like a cash grab than a legitimate lawsuit.

- So a female president has finally been elected……in India. Pratibha Patil, a congresswoman, lawyer and former governor of the northern state of Rajasthan, was elected as the country’s first female president on Saturday. One caveat is that in India, president is a mostly ceremonial position, with the country’s prime minister shouldering more of the executive responsibility and wielding more power (oh, that president was such a hollow, powerless post in the United States right about now…….). I have to say, I hope America follows this trend…….just not in the upcoming election. That would be because the only female candidate in this election will be Sen. Hank Clinton, D-N.Y. and I don’t think any of us want to be subjected to the true horror that we would experience if that vitriolic, abrasive, venomous shrew were elected as our next president. But if Patil’s election leads to advances for women in India, then two thumbs up for it.

- Soccer, feel the excitement! Wait…..you don’t feel it? Damn, neither do I. However, according to ESPN and the cadre of celebrities who filed into the Home Depot Center last night, we should all be verrrry excited about soccer and more specifically about the alleged savior of the sport in America, David Beckham. One quick aside: In order to save something, doesn’t it have to have been alive and breathing at some point? But Becks arrived amid much self-serving, unwarranted hype from ESPN and the broadcast kicked off with a half-hour special on Beckham coming to America, with announcers Rob Stone and Julie Foud-a-stain or whatever her name is trying to draw parallels between Becks and other great athletes who have “saved” their respective sports…..with the only difference being those athletes weren't ten years past their prime and the sports they were saving were sports Americans actually gave a crap about. Even so, with notable celebs like Katie Holmes, Kevin Garnett and Wayne Gretzky on hand, this had to be a great evening, right? Umm, sure if you love lots of Euros running around on a big patch of grass, kicking a black and white ball in arbitrary directions and showing exactly zero proficiency for putting said ball into the goal. Becks played an uninspiring ten minutes, just enough to claim he actually made the effort to play but not enough to keep the new “fans” who had tuned in interested enough to come back for more next time Beckham and the L.A. Galaxy are on TV. Go back to your obscure, ignored spot in the corner of the sports world, soccer, and we’ll call you if we have any interest in hearing from you again.

- What does it take to work the World Anti-Doping Agency into a frenzy? Apparently a vague, unproven and hearsay allegation made by a former pro golfer about the prevalence of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs in professional golf will do the trick. After golf legend Gary Player claimed that some golfers take drugs, WADA President Dick Pound (save your jokes about his having a promising future in the adult film industry) says he supports Player’s allegations and criticized the PGA Tour for refusing to acknowledge there may be a problem. "That is certainly my suspicion, and Gary Player says he knows, so that's fairly powerful medicine from somebody who has only the integrity of the game at heart," Pound told BBC radio Sunday. Look, I’m not doubting that some golfers do ‘roid up, but Pound is clearly grasping at straws here. WADA and other anti-doping governing bodies are always one step behind the cheaters and they’re looking for any angle they can get to gain ground. Player saying he knows golfers are using because he was told so by a current golfer and then another one confirmed that allegation doesn’t definitively prove anything. Should the PGA Tour implement a testing program just as other sports are doing? Absolutely. But to insinuate that there is a major problem in golf without any substantiated proof is just wrong, and guys like Player and Pound should keep their opinions to themselves until they have names and data to back up their claims.

Fun with Tasers, riots in Bolivia and a corrupt NBA ref

- Not to be outdone by the NFL in controversy, the NBA finds itself in the middle of its own major scandal this week. But as difficult as this may be to believe, the scandal now facing the NBA may be more damaging to the sport as a whole than the dogfighting allegations surrounding Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. The indictment against Vick could completely destroy his career if he’s convicted, but the allegations of fixing games leveled at former NBA referee Tim Donaghy could land a devastating blow to the NBA at large. The FBI is investigating reports that Donaghy, a 13-year-veteran who recently resigned from the league, helped shave points and fix games in order to pay off gambling debts he owed to bookies. The findings came in the midst of a New Jersey-based investigation into organized crime. The reason this is such a big story is obvious: if you have a referee who is responsible for officiating games and whose judgments and actions regulate games and directly, powerfully impact the outcome of those games and that referee is corrupt and is acting under the influence of gamblers, the integrity of the game is greatly compromised. We watch games because the outcome is not predetermined and we want to see who wins based on skill. If you have a referee (or player) not doing their best or blowing calls or plays because they have to settle a gambling debt, then the legitimacy of your sport is called into question. Donaghy worked more than 60 games this year, including several playoff games, so he could definitely have impacted games in a big way. The NBA will surely face pressure to not only comply with the FBI investigation, but also to conduct an internal investigation of its own to make sure that this is an isolated incident and not a widespread epidemic. The league should accede to that pressure and do its own fact-finding, because if it ever comes out that three, four or five referees were in on this, the entire league will be in a crisis it may not ever fully recover from.

- In case you were wondering, yesterday was the easiest day in the history of mankind to identify the 40-year-old virgin losers in your town. They would have been the ones lined up outside the nearest bookstore, dressed full-out in Harry Potter costumes. Before you Potter-heads get all riled up, realize I’m not saying that reading and liking HP books and movies makes you a loser if you’re over the age of 12 (well I might think that, but……..). What I am saying is that if you waited outside a bookstore late at night, waiting for midnight, clad in the costume of one of the wizards, goblins, sorcerers, whatever there characters are, from the movie and you’re not a child, then you are a LOSER. It’s no different than the pasty, lifeless freak jobs who dress up in Star Wars gear and camp outside the theater any time a new Star Wars movie comes out. I can't blame kids too much because they’re kids and the book is targeted at them. Even adults who wanted to buy the book aren't that bad, it’s just the losers who are 45-year-old accountants by day, yet there they are with makeup, a mask and a wizard outfit outside the store, ready to stampede anyone in their way to get a copy of the new Harry Potter book. Still, a bigger loser exists than even these people - the tool who managed to get his or her hands on a copy of the book prior to its release and took the time to scan in copies of all 700-plus pages into their computer and post it online to spoil the ending for everyone else. That doesn’t make you cool, clever or a rebel; it makes you a ginormous tool who was deliberately mean to a group that includes millions of small children. Way to go, loser, hope that was worth it.

- Oh Iraqi government, you do so disappoint me. Well, not really. I don’t expect anything of you anyhow, and when you don’t have any expectations of someone, it’s impossible to be disappointed. When the Iraqi government announces that its military forces won't be able to take full control of the country by the end of the year, exactly zero people are surprised. When a governmental advisor gives no time table for when U.S. troops may be able to withdraw, even less people are surprised. Were America governed by an intelligent, capable, competent leader, our response (well, if that leader was in place we wouldn’t have been in Iraq in the first place, but play along nonetheless) would be a giant middle finger to Iraq as we pull each and every last one of our troops out and say, “Too bad, this is your mess to deal with, not ours.” Mouwaffak al-Rubaie, a national security advisor for the Iraqi government, refused to give any some of timeline for when Iraq might actually have the wherewithal to govern itself and run its own country, so clearly these guys have been influenced by W. far too much. They refuse to set any schedules, refuse to tell the truth and refuse to take responsibility for their own mess. Next thing you know, these guys will start continually butchering the names of foreign leaders and try to buy a Major League Baseball team……….

- St. Louisianans, you’re about to miss a golden opportunity thanks to your mayor. Mayor Francis Slay has rejected a proposal to make Sept. 2 “Ike Turner Day.” Turner will be performing at the Big Muddy Blues Festival in St. Louis on that day and it could’ve been a truly wonderful day for all citizens of the city. You could have passed out free wife beaters to everyone, lifted all laws against domestic violence and passed out a free dime bag to everyone attending the festival. All over St. Louis, boyfriends and husbands could have been beating and abusing their girlfriends and wives, using drugs and generally creating mayhem. Now to be fair, Ike Turner disputes that portrayal of his character, as shown in What’s Love Got to Do With It, a 1993 movie depicting the life of dancing, warbling, offensively bad singer Tina Turner. Ike would prefer that you remember him as a frequent performer at blues and jazz clubs in and around St. Louis. Sorry Ike, but I and millions of Americans will always think fondly of you when we hear the words domestic abuse and your name will continue to be the first on our tongues whenever we need to crack a quick, snappy domestic violence joke.

- Life is not going so well for Scott Olsen. The Florida Marlins pitcher had just come back from a team-imposed two-game suspension for insubordination and gotten a win by going seven innings and giving up only two runs, but his day was about to take a serious turn for the worse. Later in the night, Olsen was pulled over by the police because he was driving erratically. Instead of complying with the directions of the officer on the scene and taking his punishment, Olsen decided that he was going to resist. He got physical with the officers while they were attempting to arrest him and attempted to flee, with predictable results – charges of driving under the influence, resisting an officer with violence and fleeing and eluding a police officer. The only thing missing is a good Taser blast – oh wait, we did have a Taser blast? Sweet! A big salute to Scott Olsen for taking the smart route in this situation. When pulled over by the police for driving drunk, it’s always best to be as rude and belligerent as possible and to try to get away in your inebriated state. Because of course your chances for escape are so high and cops are always verrrry forgiving when you assault them and try to get away. That type of behavior never upsets them and it never leads to additional charges against you. Scotty, you need to realize very quickly that no matter how much talent you have on the baseball field, if you don’t stop acting like a complete ass clown off of it you’re going to quickly go the way of Denny McLain and Doc Gooden - amazing baseball talents who ended up spending more time behind bars than in the big leagues because they couldn’t get a hold on themselves.

- I’m ecstatic to have a protest/riot story to share, this one coming to us from the Bolivian capital of La Paz. Hundreds of thousands of Bolivians took to the city’s streets to protest a proposed move of the country’s capital from La Paz to Sucre. It is one of the largest demonstrations in the country’s history, which scores the protestors major points. However, there are no reports of any looting, rioting, burning or overturning of cars or smashing of storefront windows, so I have to deduct a few points there. If no hostages are taken and no major structural damage is done, how are the powers that be going to remember that you were there, protestors? Leave damage, destruction and the smoldering remains of buildings and automobiles and let them cry out as a testament to your rage and disdain.

A bad hoax, a giant cheesy mess and FEMA f's over hurricane victims....again

- The good news just keeps flowin’ for Michael Vick. Not only is he facing a federal indictment on charges of building, financing and operating a dogfighting ring in which losing or non-compliant dogs were killed by beating, hanging and electrocution, Nike has decided to do the closest thing it can do to severing ties with Vick without actually severing ties with Vick - yet. Vick’s new signature shoe, the Air Zoom Vick 5, was scheduled to be released later this summer but has now been pulled by Nike. The company isn't going to pull other products with Vick’s name on them out of stores, but they aren't going to be producing any new products that would tie them to a dog-murdering, depraved freak job like M. Vick (allegedly). It looks suspiciously like Nike is doing the same thing the NFL and the Atlanta Falcons are doing, i.e. distancing themselves from Vick without totally abandoning, condemning or punishing him until the legal process plays out. Until he’s convicted of anything, none of these entities want to come out totally against him, lest he be exonerated (unlikely but possible) and it come back to bite them in the ass. However, the reality is that if Vick is convicted and ends up going to prison, all the issues with his team, the league and endorsers will be worked out. At that point, there’s no need for the Falcons or NFL to suspend him; he’s in prison, so clearly he can’t play. Also, companies whose products he endorses can than wash their hands of him and walk away without any fear of backlash. Bearing all of this information in mind, I’m stoked for the start of Falcons training camp on July 26, because I cannot wait to see the absolute circus this is going to be if Vick shows up.

- For all you Veronica Mars fans living in Denial-ville with me, our ride has come to an end. Up to this point in the summer, the CW has been rerunning episodes from this past season of Mars in the show’s normal 9 p.m. Tuesday time slot, but that has changed now that the network is bringing back another installment of the vapid, superficial, idiotic and uber-contrived “reality” series Beauty and the Geek. In other words, they want to take a bunch of nerdy guys, put them together with a bunch of “hot” girls who usually aren't all that hot and pretend that it’s a “social experiment” and that’s the kind of programming they want to hitch their fortunes to while running great shows like Veronica Mars off the air. For the first few weeks of the summer, the reruns of Mars were a nice diversion for fans like myself, a chance to pretend that the show hadn’t been canceled and that come fall, TV wouldn’t suck a little more because it was gone. Now I’ll have to wait for Season Three on DVD while sticking pins in my Dawn Ostroff voodoo doll. Actually, that doll is pretty much full of pins at this point and there’s nowhere left to stick new ones, so I’ll have to move on to a new one, which will be number………let’s see……95. What? It is Dawn Ostroff, after all, the most incompetent, stupid network executive in the history of television, she deserves it.

- Hey, Hurricane Katrina victims are already suffering, so why not inflict a little more pain and discomfort on them, eh FEMA? Word has come out that lawyers for the Federal Emergency Management Agency actually had the chutzpah to discourage officials from pursuing reports of dangerous levels of formaldehyde in trailers housing thousands of hurricane victims. That revelation comes courtesy of documents subpoenaed by members of the House of Representatives and released to the public Thursday. In a House hearing on the matter, three families who believe their illnesses were caused by the tainted trailers, Republicans and Democrats alike criticized the inexcusable and sleazy handling of the problem by FEMA. The orders from the organizations lawyers meant limited testing and inspecting of trailers whose occupants reported respiratory problems. But there was FEMA administrator R. David Paulison (never trust someone who begins their name with a single letter like that), trying to put a smiley face on a giant pile of rat feces by apologizing to the trailer occupants and saying, presumably with a straight face, “This agency made the best decisions it could with the information it had.” No, R. David Paulison, you purposefully limited to information you had on hand to make those decisions because you knew that if you had all the facts, you’d have to do something about the unhealthy, dangerous conditions those hurricane refugees were living in. But hey, if they’ve survived a massive hurricane, the destruction of their home, the loss of their personal belongings, prolonged flooding, slow or non-existent federal aid and other indignities, what’s a little formaldehyde poisoning? Good work, FEMA, you’re one more example of the absolute farce that this current administration is.

- Had you been driving down the freeway in Sacramento early Thursday morning with a carload of nachos, it would have been your lucky day. That’s because a tractor-trailer carrying blocks and blocks of cheese erupted in flames, turning its cargo of provolone, cheddar, mozzarella, American and other cheeses into the ultimate serving of hot liquid cheese. The melty, tasty river o’ cheese clogged the burning remains of the truck and the surrounding freeway, but no injuries or accidents were reported as a result of the spill. In a related story, Rosie O’Donnell was spotted in an airport on Thursday morning, demanding the earliest possible flight to Sacramento and clutching several family size bags of Tostitos as carry-on items.

- We feared it might happen and alas, it appears we’ve totally lost Katie Holmes to the dark side. The dark side, of course, is that of manically insane, couch-jumping-on, raving-mad Scientologist Tom Cruise, who somehow Jedi mind-tricked Holmes into marrying him, having his child and allowing him and his Scientology cronies to basically run every part of her life, including approving and movie script sent to the former Joey Potter of Dawson’s Creek fame. The new issue of People magazine promises on the cover to explain why Holmes is “happier than ever.” It’s their quote, not mine, but I’m guessing mind-altering drugs of some kind or a partial lobotomy were involved. Not that Holmes was the second coming of great actresses like Lauren Graham or Meryl Streep, but it’s still sad to see her life and career so thoroughly co-opted by a guy who would be much more at home in a padded room than in the general population of this nation. Then again, if having Cruise and his Scientology hacks look over potential movie scripts sent to Holmes keeps us from seeing another First Daughter, then maybe some good can come out of this.

- Hoaxes are funny, right? Who doesn’t love a good April Fool’s Day prank? Oh right, that would be me. Hoaxes could be really funny but usually aren't because the people perpetrating them are ginormous tools, but from time to time a funny hoax is cooked up and executed by a smart, savvy or sarcastic person who gets over on decidedly less intelligent, less savvy and much more clueless individuals. This would not be one of those times. A reporter for a Beijing TV station apparently decided that he needed something to jump start his career and figured that creating a fake news story about street vendors using chemical-soaked cardboard to fill meat buns was the way to do it. The report was presented as a hidden-camera expose on the illegal, unsanitary practice by food vendors on the streets of China’s capital city but turned out to be nothing more than the misguided ambitions of a struggling TV reporter who will now get to do a firsthand expose on life in a Chinese prison.

A great season finale for Traveler, a ball-less move by Senate Republicans and what could be the worst album in the history of music

- If any single action or opinion can make you a total and complete idiot, this would be the one: everyone is only angry at Michael Vick and condemning his alleged role in a dogfighting ring because he’s black. That is the single most asinine, ignorant statement you can make in reference to this or any other alleged crime. To say and believe that is to ignore the detailed, disgusting and thorough indictment handed down by the feds against Vick and his cohorts, an indictment accusing them of organizing and operating a dogfighting ring in which dogs were bought, bred and trained to fight to the death and if they refused to fight, the dogs were executed by electrocution, hanging or being slammed to the ground repeatedly until dead. People, especially black people (based on those I’ve heard defending Vick, I’m not being biased, just observing what I have seen and heard) who blindly defend a person of their own race by playing the race card first and repeatedly thereafter are just plain dumb. There are situations, such as this one, when race is not a factor or at least not a factor of any significance. The federal government didn’t indict Vick because he’s black; they indicted him because he’s a scumbag who ran a dogfighting ring and brutally murdered dogs when they refused to fight. If Drew Brees or Peyton Manning did what Vick is alleged to have done, people would be just as angry and just as thirsty for justice. Playing the race card in a situation such as this shows you are either not smart enough, too blinded by racial motivations are just too ignorant to realize the truth. By so doing, you’re invalidating other times when people are being persecuted and mistreated because of their race or ethnicity and when those times occur, your false claims of bias in cases like Vick’s will have weakened the cause of people who are being treated wrongly. Oh, and it’s also interesting to note that just a couple weeks ago, ESPN was diligently reporting that Vick was extremely unlikely to be indicted in the dogfighting ring. Something has obviously changed and changed dramatically in a short span of time. Realize that the feds have a 95 percent conviction rate when they issue an indictment. In other words, they don’t indict unless they’re certain they can and will get a conviction. They don’t want to waste time, money and reputations by indicting people if those people have any chance at all of being exonerated.

- Could someone tell me if this is 1993 or 2007? I’m admittedly disconcerted after learning that this summer, at some point, Hootie & the Blowfish are going to be touring the country. Right now the tour is on hold as lead singer Darius Rucker recovers from a staph infection in his left knee (what, has he been spending a lot of time in the Cleveland Browns locker room lately, a.k.a. Staph Infection Central?). He’s hard three operations trying to clean out the knee and is hoping that the third one will get the job done. Rucker’s health problems have forced H & TB to cancel four shows and postpone eight more, to the utter disappointment of tens and tens of fans. Also, the first 13 shows of the tour, which was scheduled to begin June 29, have also been pushed back. For the two or three of you who can't wait any longer to see the band, they will be performing three songs on CBS’ The Early Show tomorrow, live from their hometown of Charleston, S.C. So dust off your copy of Cracked Rear View and practice your vocals for Hold My Hand, because one of the biggest one-trick ponies of the ’90s music scene is back and just as mediocre as ever.

- God bless firefighters. They do so much for so many people, risking their lives in dangerous situations to save people and save buildings from burning to the ground. However, being a hero doesn’t absolve you from, say, destroying the wrong house in a training exercise when the actual house you were supposed to use is two blocks away. Firefighters in Braintree, Mass. were all set for a departmental training exercise and went at it with gusto, cutting holes in the roof of what they thought was a deserted home, cutting more holes in the walls and breaking windows. Somehow, they failed to realize that the actual house they were supposed to be using, one scheduled for demolition soon, was two streets away. Now, the town will be paying for the remodeling of the house, which ironically the owners were planning on doing anyway - just not to this extent. The fire department in Braintree would do well to remember an old carpentry maxim that has held up for centuries: Measure twice, cut once. Only in this situation it would be: Check twice to make sure you’re not destroying the wrong house for a training exercise, go ahead and wreck the house once. Hope that will help avoid any further disasters of this ilk, as always I’m here for any help you all need.

- Last night was the season finale of Traveler, my favorite new summer TV show. Yes, I said “season” finale, not “series” finale, which is good news. Although no official announcement has been made about the show’s future following its successful eight-week summer run, good ratings and good reviews should give it a shot at returning to ABC’s lineup at some point in the near future. As for the finale itself, it was definitely one of the top two episodes of the season, if not the best. It began with yet another face-to-face meeting between Jay, Tyler and law enforcement, only this time Will Traveler was there to intervene. The trio obviously escaped, and over the course of the episode went after Jack Freed (Neal McDonough), a man we learned is a former FBI exec who now works for Homeland Security but has his own agenda in some sort of domestic terrorism program with participants in several branches of the government and also the private sector. Having Will, Tyler and Jay together was a good chance to see how much their characters have grown and changed during the short season. There were plenty of twists and turns, as per the season finale playbook. Kim Doherty, Jay’s girlfriend, was arrested by the FBI and taken into custody at some remote location. The agent in charge of the investigation into the Drexler Museum bombing, Special Agent in Charge Fred Chambers (Steven Culp) was revealed to be a traitor and part of Freed’s organization when he pulled Agent Jan Marlow (Viola Davis) off the case and then shot Agent Guillermo Borjes (Anthony Ruivivar), her partner as he attempted to arrest one of Freed’s men. The season ended with Will, Jay and Tyler tricking Freed and driving him in a stolen limo to the offices of a local newspaper where they left him locked inside along with video evidence of showing him admitting to being responsible for the bombing. But in another twist, Freed or someone involved with him blew up the limo right after Jay placed a call to the paper from a nearby pay phone. Thus our trio of intrepid travelers are once again involved with an explosion, one that presumably will send them on the run again for the start of next season. All told, an exciting, fast paced finale that set up season two perfectly and answered a lot of questions at the same time. If I had to give a final grade for the series, it would definitely be an A, and I’ll be eagerly looking forward to the next season.

- Chalk one up for stupidity, courtesy of the Senate Republicans. Only four GOP senators had the testicular fortitude to join the Democrats in voting to end a filibuster and allow a vote on a measure to force the withdrawal of U.S. combat troops from Iraq. Instead, the stooges, er, senators on the wrong side of the 52-47 vote sided with the Ass Clown in Chief, W., and his demand that no strategic re-evaluations on Iraq be made until his artificial, stupid September evaluation date. Well of course we should follow that logic, I mean why go ahead and re-evaluate the situation now and make changes in July if things are clearly, terribly wrong? Why deal with problems now when you can keep your head up your ass a couple more months and then allegedly deal with those problems when they’ve had two more months to fester? Hey W., if four-plus years of one failure after another is the evidence we have, how is two more months with more of your faulty, moronic logic and strategy going to help? Are you suddenly going to stop being an idiot by September? That the Senate vote fell eight votes short of the 60 needed to end the filibuster is discouraging but not surprising. Too many of these guys are party stooges who don’t have the cahones to contradict their leader, even when he’s so obviously wrong. Thanks for nothing, Republican senators, so much for you serving in the best interests of your constituents and doing what’s best for our nation.

- How do you know a potential new album is going to be awful before you’ve heard any of it or know what songs will be on it? When the mere thought of that album makes you more nauseous than an American Karaoke artist like the effeminate Clay Aiken, then you know an album is going to be mind-numbingly terrible. Just what kind of album could inspire such a reaction? How’s about a collaboration between the man perm-wearing, elevator music-crooning Michael Bolton and Desperate House-skanks star Nicollette Sheridan? The pair are already married, so I guess they felt like they needed to stop inflicting pain and auditory discomfort on one another by singing around the house and start sharing that pain with the world. Bolton has already foisted some of the most crap-tacular whiny ballads ever recorded on the world, but teaming with his wife, whose musical abilities are subpar at best, could push him over the top and lead to one of the five worst records in the history of music, right behind whatever album Macarena appeared on and a greatest hits album by Cher.

Yi Jianlian is a whiny b*tch, Jon Lovitz is a bad dude and Bar-roid Bonds is selfish (shocker!)

- Division II sports are a different animal than major-college athletics, with substantially less money involved and much tighter budgets for team and programs. That’s doubly true for lesser, more peripheral sports - sports like track and field, softball, wrestling, etc. However, no matter how tight scholarship money is and how tough it is for your players to afford their college education, coaches really can't be giving players money for tuition and books. There’s a term for that, and it’s not “lending a helping hand.” That term would be “NCAA rules violation” and the result of said violation is being felt by D-2 school Lynn University in Boca Raton, Fla. Former LU softball coach Thomas Macera gave two players a combined $3,188.61 to pay for tuition and books in 2005, the NCAA said in its report. As a result, Lynn University's 2005 Division II softball national championship will be vacated. The Knights' 54 wins from 2005 will be erased but their losses will remain, NCAA spokeswoman Stacey Osburn said Tuesday. Their opponents’ records will not be affected. This whole situation is further proof that corruption and fraudulent behavior isn't just limited to the upper-echelon, Division I programs. There are shady characters at all levels of sports, college and even high school.

- It’s more than a little suspicious that Barry Bonds has now been scratched from the starting lineup for the all three games of the San Francisco Giants’ series in Chicago against the Cubs. Citing sore and tired legs, Bonds has told manager Bruce Bochy that he couldn’t play in any of the games, a move that has to be engendering all sorts of positive, warm and fuzzy feelings from his teammates. Bonds did deign to pinch hit in the eighth inning of the second game of the series, but it’s pretty obvious what he’s up to. He wants to break the career home run record at home in ‘Frisco so he won't be booed mercilessly and heckled nonstop as he would be if he broke the record on the road. Thus, he’s sitting out road games and claiming it’s due to problems with his legs. Good one, Bar-roid. Either that or he’s in a down month due to cycling off whatever type of steroids he’s currently taking and is waiting for the next round of ‘roids to kick in. Regardless, he needs to stop throwing around laundry carts and having temper tantrums when he doesn’t play well and stop letting down his team in order to ensure optimum conditions for himself when he finally breaks the home run record. You suck Bar-roid, and everyone outside of San Francisco hates your lying, cheating, surly ass.

- Would someone please tell Jon Lovitz that it’s not nice to beat up girls? Honestly, I know that every last person who’s ever had to bear witness to the spectacularly awful spectacle that is Andy Dick wants to kick the living sh*t out of the guy, but Lovitz going medieval on Dick’s candy ass at an L.A. club over the weekend put all of that pent up rage into action. Looking at the doughy, unconditioned physique of Lovitz you wouldn’t guess him to be a brawler, but he administered a total beatdown to Dick that included smashing Dick’s head on the bar several times. There has been ill will between the two actors for years, dating back to their Saturday Night Live ties and Lovitz being added to replace Phil Hartman on the sitcom NewsRadio that Dick appeared on. Lovitz apparently blames Dick for introducing Hartman’s wife Brynn to cocaine five months before she killed her husband and then shot herself. Also, Dick decided a few months back that not thinking before speaking was a wise choice and had the utterly poor taste to place a “Phil Hartman hex” on Lovitz, saying, “You’re the next one to die.” Classy, Andy, verrrrrry classy. Come to think of it, you got off easy with one isolated bar beating, so if I were you I’d keep my mouth shut and move on.

- This week’s Whiny B*tch of the Week award goes to………Yi Jianlian! Congratulations, Yi, for being the most spoiled, overrated and ungrateful piece of crap in all of the world this week. In case you missed it, Yi and his posse are continuing to insist that he won't comply with the same rules that all NBA draft picks are expected to comply with and go to the team that actually drafted them. No, Yi keeps insisting (as if he has any say in the matter) that he won't play for the Milwaukee Bucks and wants a trade. Now, Yi’s Chinese team is involving itself in the mix. Guangdong Tigers chief, Chen Haitao, lied and said, “This is not -- as media reports have said -- because Milwaukee, as a city with very few Chinese people, is not good for Yi's commercial development,” Chen said. “Rather we want to find a team suitable for Yi's growth. That's the root of the problem,” he added. Hey Chen, buddy, I have bad news for you. There is no “we” here. You’re not part of the equation. When your boy Yi decided to come to the NBA, you ceased to matter in the equation. The NBA doesn’t want or need your input on where the best place for Yi is. The NBA has its own rules and system and your attempts to circumvent that are total bullshit. You need to know your role and shut your mouth, pal. I continue to urge the Bucks to stand strong and to kindly extend a middle finger right in Yi’s face. Heck, they should even hold a press conference and state unequivocally, “Yi is not going to be traded, ever. If he ever wants to play in the NBA, he will do so with the Milwaukee Bucks. We hold his right and we will not relinquish them. His options are to play for us or not play in the NBA, ever.” Screw you and your crew, Yi, you’re the biggest freaking ingrate crybaby in sports.

- In an announcement that will only serve to fuel arguments of ‘roid rage as a cause of the grisly double murder/suicide involving WWE wrestler Christ Benoit, his wife and young son, authorities announced yesterday that Benoit's body contained 10 times the normal level of testosterone, as well as amounts of the anti-anxiety drug Xanax and the painkiller hydrocodone. They were also careful to say that there is no evidence that the phenomenon known as ‘roid rage played any part in the killings, but you know that anyone who wants to argue that it was a factor will gloss over that and trumpet these findings as evidence of their rightness. All I’ll say is that having that much testosterone and other drugs in your system can't be good, no matter what the situation, and the realization that this is probably true for a large number of pro wrestlers is incredibly unsettling. There’s been a creepy cloud hanging over the WWE since this incident, and either the federal government or someone else with authority needs to step in and mandate that the WWE stop encouraging or promoting steroid use among its wrestlers, because that’s undoubtedly what’s happen, overtly or not. Those in power need to make sure that the Benoit incident is the last of its kind, not the first in a series of sad tragedies……….

Beckham goes soccer player, Greek is even better the second time around and congressional slumber party

- Prepare to be floored, America: David Beckham is already injured with a “swollen ankle” and may not be able to make his scheduled debut with his new team, the L.A. Galaxy, this Saturday. Yes, a soccer player is suffering from a tragic injury even though he’s barely played in months, it’s amazing. I’m not sure it Becks injured his ankle walking down the stairs, getting out of his car or slipping on some water spilled on his kitchen floor. What I’m wondering, though, is whether soccer players follow the same protocol for getting injured at home as they do in games. You know, the typical soccer routine of going down like you’ve been shot the instant anyone makes any contact with you whatsoever, writhing around on the ground like you’re being electrocuted, having a half-dozen trainers come rushing to your aid. I just wonder if Becks takes a wrong step coming down the stairs of his house, does he still go down in a heap and start writhing around, groaning and grimacing? Do trainers burst through his front door and tend to his wounds? How very soccer player of you, Becks, you haven’t even played your first game and already you’re wussing out with some shady injury. Ah, the beauty and passion of soccer, the beautiful game. And you soccer honks wonder why your sport will never, ever catch on here in America………..

- Two episodes of the new ABC Family series Greek down, two very watchable hours of TV. The second week of the fraternity/sorority-based show was very good, continuing to mix a few good laughs with interesting drama and characters that are likeable and interesting without playing too much to the normal clichés and stereotypes that you usually get in shows centered around college kids. One good example to illustrate this point came this week when the show’s central character, Rusty, decided to procrastinate on a crucial homework assignment to play in a beer pong tournament with his fraternity. He rushed to complete the assignment but missed the deadline and came to his frat buddies for help. The normal cliché for this situation would be to have a member of the fraternity who is a wizard at math help Rusty out and get the assignment done, then talk the professor into taking the assignment late. Instead, Rusty and friends organize a humorous plan to have a pickup football game go awry, creating a diversion to get the assignment in the professor’s hands without his knowing it. While I’m not enjoying the sorority side of the show as much with Rusty’s sister, Casey, it’s still not too much of a drag and the Rusty-Casey relationship is getting more interesting as well. All in all, this is the second series that has shown itself to be worthwhile, along with Traveler (which coincidentally has its finale tomorrow at 10 p.m. on ABC, tune in).

- When you’re a new coach taking over a mid-level, perennially disappointing college football team, what sort of goals do you set for your team to take it to the next level? Recruit better athletes? Perhaps. Instill better strength and conditioning programs for players? Maybe. Have one of your players charged with third-degree sexual misconduct and have three other players as suspects in the same case? Definitely. Nothing catapults a team to the top of the conference faster than having one (possibly four) of your players having with a woman who was "physically helpless” and having that sex act caught on a cell phone video. Minnesota cornerback Dominic Jones is the player in question, charged with sexually assaulting an 18-year-old woman said she had been raped at an apartment complex near campus. Defensive end Alex Daniels, cornerback Keith Massey and running back E.J. Jones all were arrested and questioned in April. They have not been charged, but have been suspended ever since by coach Tim Brewster. Brewster has to be psyched about his players exhibiting this kind of class and character, it sets quite a tone for what Minnesota Gopher football is all about. The woman making the allegations arrived at the apartment to hang out with friends, and Jones arrived later and had sex with the woman while Daniels recorded the video on his cell phone, Freeman said. The file had been deleted from the phone, but investigators recovered a part of it, he said. Good thinking, fellas, when committing a crime, always record the act on video where it can be recovered and used against you. Clearly, college is not making these guys any smarter; maybe prison will be more beneficial.

- Not often do you regret asking a famous athlete for an autograph and instead wish you’d punched him in the face repeatedly, but I find myself thinking just that at this moment. Last year when I got an autograph from Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick after beign on the same flight from Atlanta to Newport News, Va., I couldn’t have begun to imagine that a year and a half later, M. Vick would to indicted by a federal grand jury on some of the most revolting, disgusting and sickening animal abuse/murder charges I’ve ever heard. Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury Tuesday on charges of sponsoring a dogfighting operation so grisly the losers either died in the pit or sometimes were electrocuted, drowned, hanged or shot. Oh, there was also at least one instance where a dog that refused to fight was repeatedly slammed to the ground until it died, so there’s that as well. The indictment casts somewhat of a shadow of doubt on Vick’s insistence that he didn’t know anything about the dogfighting on his property, as the feds generally don’t indict just for the heck of it and if they don’t believe they can get a conviction. An indictment may not be a conviction, but if even part of these allegations are true, Vick is a sick, twisted freak and I don’t ever want to see him on an NFL field again, no matter how talented an athlete he is. I look forward to seeing you in prison orange, Mike, not Falcon red and black.

- Slumber parties and sleepovers aren't just for teenage girls anymore. The U.S. Senate decided that sleeping over and ordering pizza might be fun, so they rolled out cots and ordered pizzas as they settled in for a marathon Senate debate on Iraq last night that featured numerous speeches but little chance of getting any closer to resolving the stalemate over how to end the war. Democrats chose the tactic in an attempt to enact legislation forcing a withdrawal of combat troops, with Republicans once again promising to block an attempt to do the right thing and make the right choice. The Republicans, with heads firmly planted either in the sand or up their ass, dismissed the Democrats’ ploy as political theatrics. Theatrics or not, if something results in ending the debacle of war that has claimed thousands of American lives that should never have been anywhere near Iraq, then I’m all for it. Bring out the cots and sleeping bags, order pizza, give each other facials and makeovers, play “Truth or Dare” and “Spin the Bottle,” I don’t care. Fix this Mess O’Potamia and while you’re at it, impeach W. if it’s not too much trouble.

I contradict Fidel Castro, I take a shot at ESPN and I oppose the Turkish government.....yep, it's a Monday

- That’s the best ESPN can do for a musical act to close out the ESPYs? A singer who barely eked out her 15 minutes of fame and some obscure elevator music backing band? Macy Gray is famous for two things, one of them being that she sounds like she inhaled a half dozen tanks of helium before performing and the other being that she once wore the tackiest outfit in awards show history, a dress with lettering from head to toe demanding that people buy the new album she was putting out. When you combine this wretched performance with the fact that they kept showing Kelly Clarkson sitting in the audience and actually had the former karaoke contestant as a presenter, this was easily the worst awards show ever in terms of musical content. The only way to make it worse would be mixing in some of Clarkson’s other American Karaoke reject buddies, maybe throw in Yanni, John Tesh and Cher and have them all do a salute to disco. Seriously, you’re telling me that not a single good indie rock group would be down with coming to perform at an awards show where the most famous athletes of the world are gathering en masse? For the majority of the show it looked like LeBron’s ridiculous cover of Bobby Brown’s My Prerogative would be the musical lowlight of the night, but Macy Gray made sure it wasn’t.

- As badly as I’d like to bring criminal charges against some music artists for their inane, moronic lyrics (yeah you, Fergie), here in America that type of thing just doesn’t happen. In Turkey, however, the government is a lot more vigilant about repressing the rights of its citizens (even W. and his collection of stooges aren't so severe) and so a punk rock band that goes by the name Deli is being taken to court for the lyrics to one of their songs. The song in question openly and harshly criticizes the Turkish equivalent of the SAT test American students take, a test that all Turkish students must pass to have any chance to get into college. Prosecutors allege that the offending song is an insult to the state and its employees (uh, most good music is in some sense) and even though the tune is several years old, it’s causing a major stink. A Turkish teenager lip-synced to the song and posted it on YouTube last year (ah, YouTube, the scourge of oppressive governments worldwide) and thus it was brought to the government’s attention. Now the band, their manager and a former member will go on trial in the capital city of Ankara, with a possible sentence of up to 18 months awaiting them if they are convicted. Sadly, these appear to be the obstacles facing all artists and creative individuals in a country with an Islamic-leaning, freedom-restricting government. On behalf of all writers, musicians and artists worldwide, here’s hoping that Deli and their manager aren't thrown into prison simply for speaking out against something as benign as a college entrance exam.

- Remy Ma needs to realize that just because you’re in a rap group called Terror Squad doesn’t mean you actually need to live life up (or down) to that billing. The thug rapper whose actual name is Remy Smith has surrendered to authorities and been charged with attempted murder following a near-fatal shooting in New York on Saturday. Better still, it was one of her own friends, Makeda Barnes-Joseph, that Remy shot after accusing Barnes-Joseph of stealing $2,000 from her. Remy Ma shot her (alleged) friend twice in the mid-section, then fled. She apparently had a change of heart and turned herself in, but she now insists that the charges against her are false allegations. The fact that Remy Ma has been arrested several times since 1996 for weapons possession, assault and other criminal charges should in no way imply that she is……well actually that does make her look kinda guilty. Just to be safe, though, from here on out why not stick to rapping about killing and shooting people and leave out the actual practicing of those actions?

- Good news for all unmarried women in their forties who formerly got their thrills watching the absurdly distorted and unrealistic “relationship adventures” of Sarah Jessica Parker and her crew of marginally attractive, massive ego-toting friends from Sex and the City: the movie version of the vastly overrated TV show is about to come to fruition. Amazingly, all four of the women from the show (Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon and Parker) have either set aside their massive egos or, as is more likely, been paid enough to massage their bloated self-images sufficiently and now one major hurdle remains: getting Chris Noth, a.k.a. Mr. Big, to agree to be in the movie. His manager has claimed that no offer has been made and that Noth is hoping the scheduling can be worked out for him to be in the picture, which is code for “Pay me more money, you haven't offered enough yet,” in actor-speak. I’m seriously hoping that Noth signs on and this movie gets made, but not because I have any interest in seeing it. No, I just don’t want scores of angry, bitter middle-aged women throwing a royal tantrum because the movie fell apart after Mr. Big wouldn’t be in it. For the good of all of us, especially men, sign the frakkin’ contract, Chris, take however many millions they’re offering and be happy.

- I loves me a good conspiracy theory, but this one is too far-fetched even for my tastes. Erstwhile Communist leader Fidel Castro, the man responsible for repressing and ruling with fear over Cuba for decades, has alleged that the United States government has actually allowed recent terrorist attacks against its citizens because it needed to “deliver a bang” in order to justify the war on terror. Let’s see, creating terrorism so you can then justify fighting said terrorism……..that’s some of the most convoluted logic I’ve ever heard. It would be one thing to allege a private-sector company creating a demand that it would then be able to capitalize on financially, but this is the U.S. government. Even an incompetent, dishonest and shady administration like the one in office now wouldn’t deliberately allow terrorist attacks so it could justify a war on terror. In fact, most Americans don’t have a problem with the war on terror; we’re fairly unanimous in saying that terrorism is bad and we want it stopped. We don’t agree with invading other countries because of mysterious, made-up reasons, interjecting ourselves in their own civil wars and seeing thousands of American troops die as a result, but we’re almost all down with the idea of fighting terrorism. Maybe Fidel is still a little loopy from all of the pain and other medication he’s been taking since his most recent surgery, but these claims he’s made are just outright absurd.

Pete Townsend strikes again, an ingrateful karaoke singer and toxic humus

- The Who may be no more (sadly, as even in their old age they would still be better than half of the poseur “rock” groups out there (yeah, I’m lookin’ right at you, Maroon5), but that doesn’t mean Pete Townsend isn't still putting his musical talent to good use. Continuing a gig he started back in 1969, Townsend has written a new rock opera titled The Boy Who Heard Music. Not the most clever, creative title, but if the rock opera is anything like 1969’s tragedy Tommy or 1973’s Quadrophenia, it should be a good show. Somehow this newest project morphed from an Internet novella (huh?), a novella being a short novel of 40,000 words or less. Who writes an Internet novella I don’t know and how it turns into a rock opera I have even less idea of, but the plot centers around a “hallucinatory tale of three teenagers from different ethnic backgrounds as seen through the eyes of an aging rock star.” Umm, OK. Basically it’s how Townsend would view an up-and-coming indie rock trio, I guess. The opera will have a trial run at Vassar College in Poughkeepsie, N.Y. and from there may go on to bigger and better things. Here’s hoping it is successful, because there aren't nearly enough theater performances that don’t put me to sleep in half an hour or less.

- Add being an ingrate to the list of reasons to hate the music of all former American Karaoke contestants. The most “successful” (it’s akin to being the tallest midget or the highest-grossing Pauly Shore movie) former karaoke-er, Kelly Clarkson, continues to throw a diva tantrum despite the fact that she is no diva and that she’s incredibly blessed to have a music career at all. Her hackneyed attempts at music that have erred so egregiously on the side of bubble-gum pop and shown all the lyrical intelligence of Ren and Stimpy on crack have somehow found a marginal fan base among tone-deaf and musically dumb listeners, mostly teenage girls, but that’s not enough for Clarkson. She keeps in b*tching about how her record label is trying to over-manage her and how she’s not being allowed to do things her way. In her most recent whiny comments, she remarks about RCA president Clive Davis, he of the legendary musical status, “We don’t braid each other’s hair. And despite the rumors, he is nowhere near a father figure.” Zing! Whew, you are freaking hilarious, Kelly. That was a major zinger right there, I’m laughing so hard I can barely breathe, I mean………..just kidding. Here’s a word of advice for you from someone who can actually recognize good music and thus knows the garbage you keep putting out is a steaming, stinking pile of monkey crap: K. Clarkson, you need to shut up and be grateful anyone listens to your music at all. Be thankful to anyone who has been dumb enough or ignorant enough to give you the chance to make a record, because after being a part of the most fraudulent, ridiculous karaoke contest/music program in the history of music, the fact that you haven't been banned for life from making any non-Karaoke music is a miracle. Be thankful for what you have and stop whining.

- A sad note from Major League Baseball this week, where the New York Mets released the ageless wonder, Julio Franco. Julio has literally been a major leaguer since before I was born and he’s reinvented himself (and sucked a whole lot less) than Madonna over the years to remain a viable contributor for several teams. His career has taken him to Mexico and Japan, and if not for those diversions he would be well over the 3,000-hit plateau and a certain hall of famer. As is, he’s about 500 hits shy and now without a team after the Mets let him go. I realize he’s only hitting .200 this year, but I still admire a guy who gets up at 3 a.m. to drink a protein shake, works out ten times harder than guys half his age and is so dedicated to healthy eating that last year when the team had a birthday cake for him in the clubhouse, he wouldn’t eat any of it because he abstains from sweets and desserts. Julio has gone from being a skinny shortstop who won a batting title to a ripped, built utility man who continues to set records for being the oldest player in baseball history to accomplish certain feats (home runs, stolen bases, etc.). He’s said he wants to play until he’s 50, and hopefully there is a team out there who will sign him and give him the chance to reach that goal. I’m pulling for you, Julio, keep battling………….

- Toxic and deadly food is all around you, and if you don’t believe me just listen to the following two stories. First, Gerber Foods Co. has recalled all packages of its organic-rice and organic-oatmeal cereals (thus sending waves of panic through the tofu-eating, wheat-grass guzzling health-conscious plastic people of Southern California) because of potential clumping of the food that could cause a choking hazard. Gerber says it has received complaints of choking but no reports of injuries, which raises two main points in my mind. First, what the frak can you put in baby food that would cause it to clump that severely? And secondly - most importantly, perhaps we’ve finally found out what Mama Cass was really eating when she died! This could be the answer to that age-old question, because heaven knows that woman would eat anything she could get her hands on, even if it was organic-oatmeal baby foods. The second story comes to us from Chicago, where some bad humus at the Taste of Chicago outdoor food festival made 378 people seriously ill. The Chicago Health Department has so far confirmed that 32 of the illnesses were caused by salmonella poisoning, proving yet again how hard it is to find good humus in America. Maybe that’s why you see mostly hot dog stands on street corners, because it’s just so difficult to make non-sickness-causing humus. Either that or humus is a disgusting food that most people have the good sense to avoid if at all possible…….

- I can't be the only one looking forward to the most mellow, high hour on television, can I? There’s no way to not be excited about a new E! reality series featuring marijuana-loving rapper Snoop Dogg, a man who might be the only one in the world who can rival Willie Nelson’s insatiable desire for the chronic. The D-O-double-G is set to debut later this year with his series, which the network is trying to bill as “hilarious and heartwarming” but which I am choosing to describe as the closest you’ll ever get to getting a contact high from your TV screen. Seriously, just go ahead and head to Sam’s Club to buy the biggest size container of Doritos and Cheetos they have right now, because Snoop loves his hippie lettuce and there’s no possible way to edit that totally out of a reality show, not if E! wants to have enough actual footage left to fill an hour. In between hits off the bong, the show will follow Snoop as he runs the youth football league he’s organized, manages his music career and chips away at the 800 hours of community service he was given in April after pleading no contest to felony drug and gun charges. I know I normally rip reality TV because it’s fake, phony and unrealistic and it insults the intelligence of anyone with an IQ above 75, but this is one program I’ll make an exception for, assuming that E! doesn’t totally neuter Snoop and only show happy, fuzzy, family-friendly footage and leave out the real part of his life.

- No props to ESPN for it’s once-again-whacked handling of its ESPYs award show. For some bizarre reason, the network continues to have the show on a Wednesday night, tape it and not broadcast it until Sunday night, even though 1) that means anyone with an Internet connection knows the results Wednesday night, and 2) there are exactly zero quality sporting events going on the Wednesday after the Major League Baseball All-Star Game, which is the day the show is held every year. Why not broadcast it live on a night when the rest of the sports world is a barren wilderness of boredom? There’s not a good answer, but then again ESPN is the network that televises poker, spelling bees, auto racing and dog shows and tries to pass them off as actual sports, go you can't expect too much logic and sensical thinking from them.

Rudy Giuliani is not a friend of potheads, I'm a fan of a new TV show and David Stern is a fan of suspending NBA felons

- As promised, I tuned in for the premiere episode of Greek on ABC Family/ABC and was pleasantly surprised. It’s not a groundbreaking, medium-changing mega-series that will change the television landscape, but the show is still pretty good. It straddles the line between being a drama and a comedy, with geeky lead actor Jacob Zachar providing a few laughs and some other interesting characters making for good viewing. The series revolves around Zachar’s character Rusty as he begins his academic career at prestigious Cypress-Rhodes (doesn’t sound like an actual college, I know) College and looks to join a fraternity. With a roommate who is a “borderline racist”, an overzealous religious individual and an outright geek, a popular sister who doesn’t like to even own up to having a brother and the respective fraternity and sorority members around him, Rusty has a whole lot of adjusting to do. While some of the dialogue is a bit stilted and some parts of the series fall victim to normal clichés about Greek life, for the most part the acting is good and the story is interesting enough to hook you. While I’m reluctant to become too attached to any new series for fear it could be cancelled within a few weeks, I’m on board with Greek and plan on watching it regularly throughout the rest of the summer/fall and I suggest you do the same.

- It’s a two-for-one special in the NBA today on suspending mentally unstable, extremely violent miscreants. Commissioner David Stern has handed down seven-game suspensions to both Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest for separate legal incidents they have been involved in this past year. Jackson pleaded guilty last month to a felony count of criminal recklessness for firing a gun outside an Indiana strip club last fall, when he was with the Pacers, while Artest pleaded no contest in May to a misdemeanor domestic violence charge stemming from a March 5 dispute with his wife, the latest in a string of off-court problems. It’s nearly impossible to be surprised any time these two are suspended; the true shock is if a season passes without one of them being suspended. Remember, they were the most prominent characters in the worst incident in NBA history, going into the stands in Detroit to fight a fan who threw a cup of beer at Artest as he lay on the scorer’s table in protest of a referee’s call. Jackson punched a fan, Artest attacked the wrong guy and the league suffered a ginormous black eye in the process. Both Jackson and Artest have move on from the Indianapolis Pacers, their team at the time of the melee, but they’re actually geographically close to one another with their new teams, Artest in Sacramento and Jackson with Golden State (in Oakland). So maybe these two nut jobs can hang together and attack random people on the street or get a two-for-one special at their psychiatrist’s office to pass the time as they are forced to sit out the first seven games of next season…………

- People do ridiculous and absurd things to get free stuff. Sometimes vacationers attend a sales pitch for a time share to get free tickets to an amusement park, while college kids often sign up for a credit card with an insanely high interest rate to get some free swag. However, I think I’ll draw the line at what I’ll do for something free at having some hack hypnotist try to determine whether or not I’ve ever had sex before. Guess that means I won't be receiving a free ticket to the premiere of producer Ken Davenport’s new off-Broadway show, My First Time. Davenport decided to give a free ticket to any applicant who could prove they were a virgin……..but how to be sure? As it turns out, Davenport believes hypnotist Sebastian Black, a self-named human lie detector, is able to analyze people and determine if they are being truthful about never having had sex. The whole premise of the show is getting people to talk about their first sexual experience, but to me Davenport and his whole hypnotist charade sound like a major gimmick to try and draw attention to his show. I’m not biting, and my guess is that once the free tickets are gone, neither will most theater patrons.

- Raise your hand if you saw a preview or commercial for the new “torture-porn” movie Captivity and said to yourself, “Hey, that looks really good.” No hands? No one? Everyone I’ve talked to who has even a remote idea of what this movie is about and what it looks like in previews has said roughly the same thing: It’s gonna suck. If it can't even make a good impression in previews and a small, small number of people will even consider seeing it before it comes out, how do crappy movies like this get made? Sorry studio execs,
but casting a smokin’ lead actress like Elisha Cuthbert isn't enough to convince most people to see your movie. We can find hot chicks on any TV show and in any movie, so you need more to offer than some T&A and tired, played scare tactics to make people buy a ticket. Cuthbert plays a New York supermodel who is kidnapped and tortured by some mysterious stranger, subjected to rehashed tricks like being buried alive in sand, etc. Predictably, Cuthbert and a fellow handsome male captive hook up during the movie, following another tired cliché. The villain tells us the story of what’s happening, chapter-by-chapter, and it’s an excruciatingly boring ride. Here’s hoping if you’re not smart enough to avoid this movie that you’re smart
enough to walk out by the midway point of it’s short-but-still-too-long run of one hour, 25 minutes.

- In an unsurprising development in the race for the White House in 2008, Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani says he opposes the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Gee, you mean a Republican is against legalizing a helpful, effective drug that can be a great help to patients suffering from debilitating diseases like cancer and the pain they cause? Wow, I’m flat-out stunned by this. What’s next, you’re going to tell me that another Republican candidate favors giving tax breaks to the rich? Or perhaps you’ll tell me that another Republican is openly promoting and financing a totally unnecessary, indefensible war in a country where we don’t belong and sacrificing thousands of American lives in what is actually a civil war we have no stake in, all the while lying to the whole country about what’s going on in the war……….oh, that’s actually true. The day any Republican has the balls to openly embrace a logical, sensical and compassionate stance that incorporates a “radical” notion like legalizing marijuana for medicinal use only will be the day William Hung and Fergie team up to write the greatest album in the history of modern music.

Cockfighting under attack, high school football goes big time and re-confirmation that Maroon5 absolutely sucks

- Tales of star athletes receiving preferential treatment are nothing new. Most days in any given week you can hear about a pro football, baseball or basketball player being let off the hook for an alleged misdeed because of who that athlete is. Even star players in college get academic and other help that bends or breaks NCAA rules because someone is always willing to help out someone who can bring so much prosperity to their school with their on-field talent. However, it’s definitely jarring to hear that this kind of treatment is going on in high school, to the point that a star player gets to play despite being accused of a sex crime. The sex coverup has made headlines across Florida since December, and an investigation indicated star running back Antwain Easterling was given special treatment after he was charged with lewd and lascivious battery on a minor. Though a School Board rule mandated a 10-day suspension, Easterling was never disciplined, and school and district officials allowed him to play in the championship game. The Bulls won. Now, that decision has resulted in 21 teachers, coaches and counselors who knew about but did not report the sex scandal being removed from the school. Great decision making, all of you. What is this, an elite college football program or high school football? I refuse to believe that any high school can be so dependent and reliant on its football team that nearly two dozen school employees overlook a criminal offense by a student-athlete in order to allow that athlete to play in a big game. But hey, I’m sure that Easterling won’t have any sense of entitlement or being above the law from here on out, so no worries………..

- If there has ever been a bigger conflict of interest in the television world, I haven't seen it. The way ESPN is ridiculously fawning over David Beckham and trying to hype up his arrival in America is equal parts absurdity and self-servitude on the Worldwide Leader’s part. An event that America in general doesn’t give a crap about and even the majority of American sports fans are completely indifferent to is being turned into a huge ordeal at ESPN, which not so coincidentally also has a television deal with Major League Soccer, the league Beckham is coming to play in. You have ESPN throwing out nonstop commercials of “soccer fans” in Europe being devastated by Beckham leaving while Americans are purportedly overjoyed by his arrival. There was also the televising of the press conference introducing Beckham as a member of his new team, the L.A. Galaxy. Somehow ESPN is glossing over the fact that this guy is 10 years past his prime and plays a sport that is second or third-tier in this country, but hey, don’t let the facts get in the way of some good hype. Hearing the network’s soccer analysts wax poetic about how Beckham’s arrival is so huge and how it’s going to revolutionize soccer and how the sport is perceived in America……….it’s total bulls**t. The same things were said when the U.S. women’s national team won the World Cup, Brandi Chastain ripped off her shirt and those in the soccer community talked about how that day would forever change the country. Well it’s been several years and soccer is still the sports pariah it’s always been in the U.S., and Becks is just the latest failed attempt to jumpstart the sport in this country. At best, a few curious people will tune in for Beckham’s first game with the Galaxy, watch a few minutes of boring play and then switch off their TV, wondering why they even bothered. Way to hitch your wagon to a dead, dead, dead horse, ESPN, this should work out just splendidly for you……….

- When is a prank or hoax just not worth it? How’s about when it leads to federal prosecution and to possibility of 10 years in prison? Adam Hart, 22, a Chicago man who misled federal authorities into believing that a Muslim student he met on a social networking site was a terrorist planning an attack on the Sears Tower, is finding that lesson out the hard way. Why Hart thought this would be funny or amusing, I don’t know. If he had some sort of grudge against the Muslim student, how’s about playing a better prank, one that wouldn’t land Hart in prison? That’s actually the topic for the fourth session of my seminar for aspiring criminal masterminds, making sure you don’t try to land someone else in trouble with the law only to have them remain free while you’re shipped off to the hole. Perhaps it escaped Mr. Hart that when someone throws out an allegation of a planned terrorist attack against someone else, the feds are going to take it seriously and look into it. If it’s a hoax, they’re going to figure that out and come looking for the person who made it all up. What’s wrong with keying the dude’s car or leaving a derogatory message on his Facebook wall, Hart? Let’s try to be a little smarter next time………

- Devastating news from the state of Louisiana, where Governor Kathleen Blanco has done the unthinkable and signed into law a ban on cockfighting to take effect in August 2008. Really, I don’t get this outright persecution of a beautiful, majestic sport that features two roosters armed with razor blades on their feet, pecking and slashing one another to death while degenerates gather around the ring in a dimly lit basement and place wagers on which bird kill the other. Why are so many people against something that so clearly promotes everything that is good and right in America? Who’s not down with bloodshed for sport, for forcing two animals to fight to the death and profiting off of it? This bill will make Louisiana the 49th state to outlaw cockfighting, meaning New Mexico will be the only state in the union where you can see the wonder that is cockfighting after August 2008. I hope Blanco is happy, because she is depriving the good people of her state of the chance to see a sport that is truly all-American. Of course, cockfighting is still going to exist in Louisiana, just as it does in many other states where it’s banned. The sport will simply go underground and exist in an even seedier, more depraved form than before, if that’s possible. Still, it’s people like Kathleen Blanco that are making me less and less proud to be an American…………

- Anyone still having doubts as to whether Maroon5 is the weakest, wimpiest, most sissified, panty-waisted elevator music wannabes in the music business, I ask that you take a few short minutes to listen to the first single off of their new album, a song titled “Makes Me Wonder.” I can't fully describe the awfulness with mere words, but it’s like the most feminine, whiny Robin Thicke song multiplied by a thousand. Top it off with a disco-style video where in the group’s lead singer, Adam Something-or-the-Other, moves around like a clumsy teenage girl doing a bad Elvis imitation and well, it’s as bad as it sounds and then some. So in case you aren't getting my drift, the new album from Maroon5 (should be named Pink5, it would suit their effeminate quality better) is one you’re going to want to purposely miss.

Pedestrians stuck in car windshields, Rickey Henderson is flat out awesome and Tim McCarver is a ginormous tool

- This is going to be absolutely hilarious. There’s no other way that the New York Mets hiring Rickey Henderson as the team’s hitting coach can play out other than intense, prolonged, off-the-charts unintentional comedy. Rickey is an absolutely priceless gem, a mix of arrogance, self-promotion, goofiness and brashness that has produced more memorable moments than I have time and space to recount. The funniest Rickey story came when Henderson was playing in Toronto and approached notoriously quiet and reclusive first baseman John Olerud in the locker room. Olerud was well known for wearing a plastic batting helmet in the field instead of a baseball cap like every other player, and Rickey took notice of the oddity. He walked up to Olerud and said, more or less: “I used to play with a guy in New York who wore a batting helmet like that in the field.” To which Olerud replied, “Yeah, I know Rickey, that was me.” Rickey has never been the best with names, but how utterly classic that he played with this huge, unique white guy wearing a batting helmet in New York and wasn’t able to remember that same guy when they played together again. Of course, Rickey is also famous for the day he broke baseball’s career stolen base record and with former record holder Lou Brock in attendance, treated Brock with about one one-millionth of the respect he deserved. Upon stealing the record-setting base, Rickey ripped the base from the ground, held it aloft over his head and declared, “Lou Brock was a great player, but today……..I am the greatest of all time.” Thanks for the humility, Rick. Now this guy who can’t remember people’s names and is one of the most glory-hungry showboats ever is going to be the hitting coach for a team in NYC?

- Thanks for joining the party, China. Seeking to restore confidence in its exported products, the Chinese government has banned diethylene glycol, a thickening agent in antifreeze, from use in toothpaste. There have been multiple scares with toxic toothpaste coming from China in recent months, necessitating recalls and creating a minor panic in places where the toxic toothpaste was distributed. Weirdly, most people aren't down with using a product containing an ingredient that can cause kidney failure, paralysis and death. Diethylene is sometimes used as a low-cost substitute for glycerin, a sweetener commonly found in toothpaste and food products. However, I think we can all agree that spending a little more on glycerin as opposed to diethylene glycol is preferable to a death-causing toothpaste any day. Zero points for the Chinese for doing something they should have done years ago. It shouldn’t take a major international outcry and health scare for you to do the right thing, jerks.

- I’m remiss for not mentioning this yesterday, when the memory of Tuesday night’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game was fresh in my mind: Tim McCarver is an idiot. The man is a walking, (barely) talking billboard for the onset of dementia, yet FOX keeps trotting him out there to broadcast major sporting events. Examples from Tuesday night’s game include McCarver explaining to us in the top of the 2nd inning that a catcher cannot practice his swing while he's on the field catching………umm, thanks for the brilliant insight Tim. Also, he marveled at Alfonso Soriano’s home-run power despite weighing only 160 lbs., apparently electing to ignore the fact that Soriano is listed at 180 lbs. Then late in the game, FOX showed a fan in the stands wearing an exaggeratedly grotesque pirate costume, complete with a giant mask front with a Gene Simmons-esque tongue hanging out. McCarver took a good five seconds to react to the shot at then started laughing in this weird, disturbing, mentally unstable chuckle, leading to an awkward exchange with broadcasting partner Joe Buck, who covered by jokingly asking if it was difficult for McCarver to make a salient baseball observation while looking at the man in the pirate costume. No Joe, it’s just difficult for McCarver to make a salient point, period, baseball-related or otherwise. Maybe for the playoffs, FOX will team Buck up with a more competent, sane and intelligent partner, perhaps Knut the Polar Bear Cub from Germany or Bozo the Clown. Either way, I can't take any more McCarver.

- I shouldn’t have to tell people that if and when you strike a pedestrian with your car and that person becomes lodged in your windshield, you need to stop the car and get the person out of the windshield. After all, it’s not like hitting a bug that splatters and leaves a tiny spot on the glass; people tend to leave large, bloody holes in the windshield when you hit them. My main man Steve Warrichaiet of Green Bay, Wisconsin doesn’t seem to be aware of this protocol, because when he struck two pedestrians with his vehicle and one of them became lodged in the windshield, he continued driving home. Not surprisingly, the man who was lodged in the windshield died, while the second pedestrian, a woman, is in critical condition. You may recall an incident a couple years ago in Houston where a nurse hit a hobo with her car, drove home and left the hobo there to suffer and die while she went inside to have sex with her boyfriend. At least Warrichaiet didn’t emulate that performance, but that’s probably because he was drunk at the time and likely went inside and fell asleep. I hafta ask, though, did no one try to get Warrichaiet’s attention when they passed him on the road? “Hey, yo, man, you know you’ve got a man lodged in your windshield.” People gesture and shout when you leave your blinker on or if you have a tail light burned out, how does no one notice a dude lodged in a windshield? And I know Green Bay residents are well-known for loving their alcohol and being able to hold their liquor, but if you’re too hammered to deal with the situation when you strike two pedestrians with your car, then clearly you should not be driving. The legal limit may officially be .08, but I think we can all agree that “Too Drunk to Help a Guy Lodged in My Windshield” is also an acceptable standard for determining one’s capability to operate a motor vehicle. So for future reference, if you strike a pedestrian, hobo or otherwise, with your vehicle, the proper response is: A) Drive home, leave the person in the windshield and go have sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend, B) Drive home, leave person lodged in your windshield and go sleep off your bender, or C) Stop car immediately, remove person from windshield and call 911………yes, C is the correct choice, well done!
- Remember that thrilling 8-4 season that the University of Oklahoma football team put together in 2005? Really? You do? If you think you remember that season, I’m sorry to tell you that you’re dead wrong because as of yesterday, that season officially did not happen. The NCAA has forced OU to vacate its results from 2005 as a part of the punishment for rule violations involving former players Rhett Bomar and J.D. Quinn. Bomar and Quinn were found to have been paid for time they did not work at the Big Red Sports and Imports car dealership in Norman. The players and their supervisor at the dealership, Brad McRae, engaged “in a deliberate scheme to deceive both the employer's payroll system and the university's employment monitoring system in an attempt to violate NCAA rules of which they were real aware,” an NCAA report stated. Quinn and Bomar were both suspended from the team before last season and have since moved on, but OU is still bearing the weight of their indiscretions. Oklahoma must erase its wins from the 2005 season and will lose two scholarships for the 2008-09 and 2009-10 school years, the NCAA said Wednesday. And some of you still doubt me when I say that to be a top-notch, powerhouse college football program you need to stock your roster with cheats, criminals, rule breakers and miscreants……….

- Not sure how many of you caught the series premiere of the new ABC Family show Greek, but I watched parts of the pilot and it was surprisingly watchable. I didn’t see enough to give a definitive verdict, but the show will re-air Friday on ABC, so I’m going to give it a watch all the way through and suggest that you do the same. ABC Family has in the past been a repost of older shows from networks like the CW, WB and ABC, which was fine by me because it gave me a chance to re-watch old episodes of Smallville, Gilmore Girls and Everwood. However, the network has begun focusing more on developing its own original programming, leading to crappy shows (Lincoln Heights), good ones (Kyle XY) and other mediocre ones. Greek looks like it might be the best of the bunch, so tune in or set your DVR for ABC tomorrow at 9 p.m. and see for yourself. The normal air time for the new episodes will be 9 p.m. Mondays, so watch and see what you think.

Another beauty queen with trashy pics, $7 million for doing nothing and another failure in Iraq...that would be #47,885

- All beauty pageant contestants should just release all the explicit, revealing and embarrassing photos of themselves prior to competing, because it seems like every day one of these girls is being dragged into some sort of controversy relating to sexually charged photographs of them that someone is distributing/threatening to distribute. Tara Conner was the first when she and the reigning Miss Teen USA were photographed making out, boozing it up and doing all sorts of other things unbecoming of a beauty queen, but Conner was allowed to keep her crown. There have been others since then, but the story of Miss New Jersey Amy Polumbo puts a new and interesting twist on the whole “skanky pictures of a beauty queen” scandal. Polumbo announced Thursday that someone was trying to blackmail her with old photographs and demanding that she give up her crown by Friday. The Wagner College (N.Y.) student has refused to step down and declined to comment further on the matter. Then on Saturday, Polumbo received a second package that her attorney says contained a threatening letter and possibly new photographs of the 22-year-old beauty queen. At present Polumbo is set to represent New Jersey in the Miss America pageant, something that isn't likely to change based on the stance she’s taking. Personally I’m down with all of this, because anything to spice up and sex up the Miss America pageant is good news as far as I’m concerned. Again, any time hot college chicks want to pose for suggestive pictures knowing that those pictures have a good chance of eventually making their way online or into the public view, it’s cool by me. Beauty pageants are too stiff and boring anyhow, so why not liven things up a bit? Whoever is trying to blackmail this girl needs to stop the posturing and threatening, because they’re not going to get what they want and what they will get is arrested and thrown in jail for blackmail when they’re caught. If this person would just release the pictures and stop the threats, we could all enjoy the images and no one would have to get hurt.

- Are you as stunned as I am to hear that the Iraqi government has failed to meet benchmarks and guidelines that the U.S. has set for the country in its rebuilding process? I mean, all of the competence, efficiency and shrewd management of the rebuilding process up to this point gave absolutely no warning that the Iraqis might be behind schedule. After all, they’ve pretty much quelled all violence, gotten all the dissident groups of their country in harmony and are speedily rebuilding all of……..oh that’s right, they’re not doing any of those things. The idealistic, naïve and just plain stupid plan that W. had tried to fleece the American public with in defense of the indefensible war in Iraq is failing and failing miserably, just like every other facet of this God-forsaken debacle has failed. An upcoming governmental report on the Mess O’Potamia will conclude that the U.S.-backed Iraqi government has met none of its targets for political, economic or other reform and the nasty rumor swirling around is that all of this will result in a vastly accelerated pullout of American troops from the country. Mmm hmmm……..yeah, we’ve heard that type of BS before. W. lies and deceives the American public nonstop about the war and suddenly he’s going to make good on a promise? Color me cynical, but seeing as how we’ve been in Iraq for more than four years, lost thousands of lives, seen things get progressively worse, failed to find the mythical WMD’s, etc., etc., I’m pretty sure the only way this morass will end is when we get us a new president, pardon my grammar.

- A big, hearty screw you goes out from me to the Pope on this day. Pope Benedict XVI had the audacity and ignorance to issue a new document stating that Catholicism is the only true path to salvation and that all other Christian communities are defective or not true churches. Hmm, lemme see, either follow the Bible, the Word of God, or follow some old dude in a funny hat and a dress who will die within a few years and be quickly and easily replaced by some other old dude who’ll put on the same funny hat and dress……I’ll go with Option A. Thanks, P., but I’ll stick with the many, many Protestant leaders who immediately came out against your asinine statement. Nothing like alienating and pissing off nearly every other religion in the world and doing so on the basis of a merit-less, flimsy claim.

- It’s Vice Lord of Darkness Cheney vs. the U.S. Senate, and the Democrats in the Senate just might be able to win this battle. In response to the Dark Lord’s refusal to comply with national security disclosure rules and pretty much any other rule in our nation that Cheney doesn’t agree with, the Democrats are moving to cut off funding to Cheney’s office. A senate appropriations committee headed up by Sen. Richard Durbin, D-Ill., refused to fund the Dark Lord’s proposed budget until Cheney’s office complies with parts of an executive order governing its handling of classified information. Here’s hoping the senators hold firm on this and don’t buckle the way they did when they had W. over a barrel on the war-funding/troop withdrawal issue. Of course, I would strongly suggest to all members of this committee that they not accept any invitations from Cheney to go duck hunting any time soon, lest they be on the receiving end of an “accidental” shotgun blast to the face.

- Let’s say you were drafted as the second overall pick in the NBA Draft, barely played for two years with the team that drafted you and were then traded to another team. Suppose you had a mediocre season and a half with that new team and had anemic career high averages of eight points and five rebounds in your one full season with that team. What kind of contract might you expect if and when your team released you and you became a free agent? If you said an exorbitantly lucrative contract worth $7 million annually over three years, then DING DING DING!!!!! You’re a winner!!!! Darko Milicic, the arrogant young Serbian player who was drafted right behind LeBron James in the 2003 draft and has completely underwhelmed both the Detroit Pistons and the Orlando Magic to the extent that both washed their hands of him, has suckered the Memphis Grizzlies into giving him an inflated new contract. Other than standing 7’0 and breathing, Darko doesn’t appear to have any of the qualities that would normally earn someone $7 million a year, but maybe Memphis knows something I don’t. Oh wait, what they know is that they finished with the worst record in the NBA last year and just hired the former GM (Chris Wallace) of the team that finished with the second-worst record in the league last year. Forgive me for second-guessing the basketball Mensas in Memphis, my apologies guys. I’m sure you’ll do just fine with Darko………..

W. either ignores the Constitution or just can't read it, Canada has the right idea on military conflicts and Bud Selig loses a game of chicken

- Don’t you just love it when the two men holding the two highest elected positions in our government basically use the Constitution and laws of our land to wipe their collective arse while simultaneously giving all of America the finger? Me too! That’s why I was so pumped to hear that on the heels of Dick(head) Cheney refusing to turn over documents and materials to the national archives without an actual legal, defensible reason, our un-esteemed leader W. is ordering former White House aides to defy congressional subpoenas ordering them to explain their roles in the (wrongful, politically motivated) firings of eight U.S. attorneys over the winter. You may remember that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and his underlings continually passed the buck, lied and double-talked when asked by Congress to explain their actions. Now, W. is claiming executive privilege and ordering the aides to openly defy Congress. Right, because why would we want to actually have the truth come out and get to the bottom of this? Oh, you mean this is another attempt to cover up the wrongful, nay illegal actions of an administration that is intent on screwing over our country in every possible way? Never mind then, go ahead, W. and sycophants, keep lying, manipulating the truth, ignoring the law and generally saying a hearty, “F*** You!” to the American people.

- It’s not often that Americans can say we wish our country would be more like Canada, but on this day I wish America could be more like our mullet-sporting, round bacon-eating neighbors to the north, eh? While we’re busy funneling our troops off to Iraq to fight and die in an unjust, unnecessary and indefensible war, Canada is sending its fighting men and women off……to the Arctic. The Canadians are looking to reassert their control over the Northwest Passage, a region rich in oil and natural gas that the United States says is international territory. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper says six to eight patrol ships will guard what the Canadians believe to be Canadian waters and that a deep water port will also be built. Quite frankly, I like the idea, because it involves sending additional troops to a region where there isn't likely to be an actual war and where one country isn't wrongfully inserting itself into the politics and civil war of another country thousands of miles away. You taking notes on this, W.?

- In the biggest game of baseball chicken I can remember, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig has wussed out and Barry Bonds has won. Selig has reportedly decided that he will be in attendance on the night when the ‘roid-fueled, surly and contemptuous San Francisco Giants slugger finally break’s Hank Aaron’s record for career home runs. MLB officials deny that the commissioner has made any final decision on what to do about Bonds breaking the record, but I suspect that he has made his choice and that he will be there when the tainted milestone happens. There’s no way MLB or Selig himself would allow any information at all that would even remotely suggest that Selig planned to attend the milestone game for Bonds if it wasn’t true. For whatever reason, B. Selig has held out on making an official statement about his intentions for as long as possible. Maybe it’s akin to realizing you were really wrong about something and you’re confronted with the truth and you fight like heck to not admit it, even though you realize that eventually you’ll have to. Or maybe Bud is hoping that some miraculous event, i.e. Bonds being found with a load of steroids in the trunk of his car, will happen in between now and home run No. 756 to allow the commish a viable excuse for not being at the game when the record is set. Either way, it appears Selig has finally caved to the pressure, bowed to the popular opinion that he has a duty to be at the game and decided to do just that. I for one am disappointed in him, because I’m not going to be one of the politically correct masses and hide behind that belief of not convicting Bar-roid because he’s never actually failed a drug test. If Selig doesn’t feel like he should be there and that Bonds has cheated to reach this record, then Bud should have the testicular fortitude to make a stand and stick with it.

- All hail Captain Obvious, a.k.a. Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. In coming out of self-imposed seclusion after an affair with a local newscaster, my main man Antonio had the following uber-obvious statement: “I made a mistake.” Well thanks for clearing that up, A., because I wasn’t sure if you had or not. I mean, no one is really clear on whether cheating on your wife, breaking your wedding vows and then trying to cover the affair up is the wrong thing to do, so I’m glad you’ve clarified that. Villaraigosa went into hiding on July 3 after finally admitting to his relationship with Mirthala Salinas, a 35-year-old correspondent with Telemundo’s L.A. affiliate, KVEA. The affair has earned Salinas a suspension from her job and may lead to her being fired. The pair became involved when Salinas covered the mayor (insert your own joke here) for KVEA. Now, the affair has begun wrecking both of their lives, with Villaraigosa’s wife Corina filing for divorce. An odd side note about their marriage is that the Villaraigosa name is actually an amalgam of the mayor’s original last name, Villar, and the wife’s name, Raigosa. The mayor will keep the name, although after this scandal, his name isn't going to be worth much to him in the eyes of the people of Los Angeles.

- Things to not do after you’ve been drafted by an NFL team but before you’ve signed your rookie contract……..one of them would have to be jumping a guy on the street after he threw a rock at your car and teaming up with a friend to administer a severe ass-kicking to said guy on the street. San Diego Chargers rookie linebacker Anthony Waters is off to a bad start in the league after being slapped with assault and battery charges following an incident in Horry County, South Carolina. According to a police report, Waters had the windshield of his car was smashed last week when Colby Sarvis allegedly threw a rock at the vehicle. Waters pulled to the side of the road, a confrontation ensued, and Waters and a friend, Brian Rogers, are alleged to have beaten Sarvis. Given Roger Goodell’s stance on player misconduct, I’ll go ahead and assume that he isn't going to look favorably on a guy who has barely made it into the league already running afoul of the law in such violent fashion. Waters needs to realize that he’s no longer some slacker college dude who can mix it up whenever he wants and get away with a slap on the wrist. He’s an NFL player now and people are going to look to get under his skin, to bait him and be the one to get into a brawl with the pro athlete so they can cash in on the notoriety.

I've got me a favorite political candidate, I've got a message for Katie Couric and I try to help the ever-effeminate Clay Aiken

- Now here’s a political candidate I can get with. Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a soldier killed in Iraq who has been an outspoken anti-war advocate ever since, is vowing to run for a congressional seat against House Speaker Nancy Pelosi unless Pelosi introduces articles of impeachment against W. in the next two weeks. Last we heard from Pelosi, she was busy wasting taxpayer dollars on a “fact-finding” vacation, er, trip to the Middle East. Now, she has an angry anti-war activist setting a July 23 deadline for impeaching the president, lest Sheehan run against Pelosi in the 2008 election. Actually, July 23 will be the culmination of Sheehan and her supporters’ 13-day caravan/walking tour from their protest site near W.’s ranch in Crawford, Texas to Washington, D.C. While I’m unable to physically join the Sheehan-led march, I’m definitely with the group in spirit. I’ve been calling for Congress to impeach our Tool-in-Chief for months now, so I’m happy to welcome any willing souls to my bandwagon. The optimal outcome would be the first-ever impeachment of an entire administration, top to bottom, but I’ll settle for W. and his stool pigeon Dick Cheney if that’s all we can get. So get on the impeachment proceedings, Pelosi, don’t make Cindy Sheehan march right into town on July 23 and stick a boot straight up………..YOUR CANDY ASS!!!!!

- You can call Katie Couric a lot of things, and apparently naïve is one of them. The CBS anchorwoman now says that making the move from hosting the morning show on NBC to hosting the evening news on CBS would have been much less appealing if she had known that she’d be stuck doing the traditional, run-of-the-mill CBS Evening News broadcast she now hosts. “People are very unforgiving and very resistant to change,” the formerly perky newswoman whined. Really Katie, you think so? You mean that people who watch the national evening news, people probably in the 30-70 age bracket, people who are actually concerned about what’s going on in the world and are socially conscious enough to care, you mean those people are resistant to change? Seriously? How the frak could you not have known that to begin with? People who are unconventional and welcome change aren't the ones watching national evening news shows. Punks, outcasts and anti-establishment individuals in their teens and twenties aren't going to tune in to some formal, structured nightly newscast, Couric. If you thought people approaching or already past retirement age were going to welcome a new, envelope-pushing, innovative news broadcast, then you’re a lot dumber than most of us presumed you to be. I’d feel bad that you’re unhappy at that the ratings for the CBS Evening News have dropped precipitously since you came on board, but you signed a megabucks deal to do the show, so I really don’t feel bad for you at all

- My easy-to-make prediction of continued success for the new Transformers movie held up over the weekend, with the film raking in $67.6 million for the weekend and $152.5 million for its opening weekend. It’s actually the highest opening-week gross for any non-sequel movie ever, which is actually an amazing feat. Either there are a lot more nostalgic guys out there who grew up playing with Transformers toys than I thought, or Optimus Prime and crew have held up surprisingly well in terms of popularity and relevance with kids of all ages over the past two decades. The next highest-earning movie for the weekend was the animated Ratatouille, which raked in $29 million. Not so amazingly, the new Die Hard movie was nowhere to be found on the list of top earners……..hmm, could it be because the movie blows big time? For those of you counting down to the real thriller of the summer, The Bourne Ultimatum, it’s just over three weeks away, and despite the movie pairing up with NASCAR as a promotional partner, I’m still excited to see what Matt Damon and crew have in store.

- We have a new Seven Wonders of the World list, and if you didn’t take the chance to vote on the new list via the Internet or by text messaging, you’ve now officially missed out on your chance to be a part of history. The new list includes the following: the Great Wall of China, Rome’s Colosseum, the Taj Mahal, Peru’s Machu Pichu, Brazil’s Statue of Christ Redeemer, Mexico’s Chichen Itza pyramid and the rock-carved city of Petra in Jordan. Conspicuously absent from the list is one of the true wonders of the modern world, Barry Bonds’ ginormous, bloated head. Seriously, it’s a true wonder how that thing stays balanced atop Bonds’ shoulders, given that it’s roughly the same circumference as most planets. It’s interesting to note that Greece, with all its historical and architectural wonders, doesn’t have a single entry on the list. But overall you can't be too displeased with the results of the voting, because it didn’t turn out nearly as bad as you might expect for any sort of polling/voting in which the general public is involved. After all, if you look at some of the atrociously bad selections fans make for the NBA or Major League Baseball all-star games, you have to feel pretty darn good about the seven entries on this list.

- I love a good chick fight, so I was extremely enthused to read about a recent skirmish between a female passenger on a flight headed to Tulsa, Oklahoma and someone who can surpass just about any woman on the planet in terms of being effeminate, Clay Aiken. The waifish, girlish crooner whose status as a former American Karaoke contestant is just one of many reasons to ridicule him, had his foot on the woman’s arm rest presumably because he’s Clay Freaking Aiken (in his mind, anyhow) and he can do whatever he wants. The unidentified woman wasn’t cool with this auspicious display of “celebrity” (this is an admittedly big stretch of the term celebrity) egotistic behavior and gave Aiken a “minor shove.” The flight crew resolved this dispute, possibly by offering free facials and pedicures to both combatants, and Aiken later joked at his Tulsa concert about having been beaten up by a girl on his flight. Umm, Clay, you’re already known for being a girlish wimp, so maybe you don’t want to be joking about things that would make you look even weaker and more effeminate. Of course, at this point announcing that you’re going to make a new workout video with Richard Simmons is about the only way you could accomplish that……….

- Call French President Nicolas Sarkozy the anti-W. Sarkozy decided not to issue mass pardons to France’s prisoners on Bastille Day, something that had been a tradition for years. When presented with a decree proposing the release of 3,000 prisoners, N. Sarkozy rejected it. So there will be no mass pardon on July 14, when France celebrates one of the many, many times it has surrendered to anyone with so much as a pellet gun and a butter knife. OK, I’m kidding, don’t get your unwashed, smelly selves in a bunch, France. Bastille Day actually celebrates the 1789 storming of the Bastille prison in Paris by angry crowds. Besides, there’s no way France could actually celebrate each and every one of its surrenders to invading forces; there just aren't enough days in the year.

- NFL players don’t make good criminals. Whether it’s a current or former player, pro football players continue to show that when it comes to outsmarting the law, they’re not very good at staying out of trouble. Current NFLer Mike Vick, Atlanta Falcons quarterback and reputed heavyweight in the world of dog fighting, continues to be caught up in a federal investigation centered around a house Vick owns in Virginia. Late last week, authorities raided the property for a second time in search of 30 dog corpses from animals they believe to have been killed in dog fighting bouts. The current word is that Vick is not likely to be indicted in the investigation, but that could certainly change and even if it doesn’t, clearly Vick had some involvement with this mess and that reflects negatively on him. Former NFL lineman Bill Maas isn't going to be so fortunate in evading the long arm of the law. Maas was arrested on Friday night after being arrested on drug and weapons charges during a routine roadside stop. He’s now been released from jail, but he and Sarah Murphy, a passenger in Maas’ car, were ordered to appear in court on August 21. More and more I’m starting to believe that the NFL needs to put a formal program in place for ex-players to help them stay out of jail, because these guys are turning to a life of drugging, killing, assaulting, conning, scheming, boozing and deviant behavior at an alarming rate. Of course, when so many of these guys are already criminals while they’re in the league, what exactly do you expect from them when they get out of football?

- Today is a day for all sports fans and ESPN viewers to rejoice. The self-righteous, pompous, horse’s ass of a broadcaster known as Dan Patrick will be leaving the Worldwide Leader after an 18-year run. Patrick has (unfortunately) been one of the faces of the network for a long time now, relying on a shtick that basically involves him being a rude, objectionable jerk who thinks himself to be far more entertaining than he actually is. Patrick has announced that he will be leaving ESPN in August, ending both his radio program and his role as an anchor on ESPN broadcasts. I speak for a whole lot of sports fans when I say good riddance, Danny, you won't be missed.

Anger for Bar-roid, dap for the Running of the Bulls and a chance to rip the CW

- You can always count on Barry Bonds to remind America why we so energetically and unflinchingly loathe him. Fresh off receiving a late surge (albeit a suspiciously convenient surge) of fan votes to win a starting spot in Tuesday night’s All-Star Game, Bar-roid turns right around and thanks the fans by refusing to take part in Monday night’s Home Run Derby, even though it’s being held in his home park, Pac Bell Park. Usually the argument by players who refuse to take part in the derby is that it messes up their swing and can cause problems for them in the second half of the season. Bonds is claiming that as a 43-year-old guy, the preparation for the derby would just be too much for him to go through. Barry, allow me to quote noted philosopher The Rock and say this: KNOW YOUR ROLE…..AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH! You owe a huge debt of gratitude to the fans for their unwarranted support of your ‘roid-fueled quest for the all-time home run record and of your drug-enhanced career with your enlarging head and feet still growing in size at age 43. Even if you have to put in a little extra prep time (hey, maybe your friends the cream and the clear could help!) you need to do it because the fans deserve it. Quit whining, quit posturing and quit being such a surly blowhard, Bar-roid. Man up, participate in Home Run Derby and then we’ll have one less reason to hate you.

- The running of the bulls is one of Spain’s, Europe’s and the world’s best traditions. The spectacle of a couple dozen raging bulls running through the narrow streets of Pamplona, chasing thrill-seeking runners to gore, is always great to see. The first run of this season took place Saturday at the San Fermin Festival, with all-around positive results. Fun was had, thrills were achieved and only seven people were treated for injuries, all of them minor. Best of all, unlike a bull fight where the bull is stabbed with a sword inside its shoulder blade to prevent it from being quite as powerful and dangerous, the bulls who run in this event are the ones dishing out the punishment instead of receiving it. Running with the bulls is definitely on my list of things to do if I ever make it to Spain, and it should be on your list too unless you lack and semblance of intestinal fortitude and would rather spend your Euro adventure drinking wine and strolling on the beach.

- Never a good sign when your network is following the CW playbook, so I’ll issue a Level Four warning for NBC and hope the network comes to its senses. Just as the CW inexplicably, stupidly and indefensibly did with the abysmal, awful, terrible 7th Heaven in 2006, bringing the show back even though it had rightfully been declared dead, NBC will attempt to resuscitate the dying behemoth that is The Apprentice and give Donald Trump’s televised quest to find the next person to kiss his ass another try. The show was thought to be dead but with a regime change at NBC, the new powers-that-be have elected to give D. Trump another shot to pull his show out of the ratings dumpster. Actually, I should be nicer to NBC and not equivocate them to the CW, because in this situation, not only would the CW have brought back a dead, boring show like Apprentice, it would also have cancelled a fantastic series like Heroes to do so. So my apologies, NBC, on your worst day you’re still not as bad as the CW. You still suck hard, CW, and you especially suck, Dawn Ostroff.

- A quick music recommendation for all you indie music lovers out there: the newest album from the Arctic Monkeys, Favourite Worst Nightmare, isn't receiving nearly enough attention but it’s actually a much better record than anything currently on Billboard’s top album charts (Amy Winehouse, Ryan Adams, Kelly Clarkson or Maroon5 - yes, f’ing Maroon5, I’m as depressed as you about that). For those not familiar with Arctic Monkeys, a quick rundown would include that the quartet from Sheffield, England are a funky, offbeat-sounding group that mixes fast and slow paced tunes with equal skill, mixes in some catchy pop-esque vocals from time to time and knows how to deliver plenty of catchy guitar hooks on songs such as D is for Dangerous, or songs from their 2006 album, Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not, songs like Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor and Fake Tales of San Francisco The band is currently touring Europe in support of the record, so our Euro readers should definitely check out their website, http://www.arcticmonkeys.com/, and find out when they’re coming to your area. I can't draw a great comparison for the Arctic Monkeys, maybe think The Killers if they didn’t rely so much on synthesizers, techno type sounds and if they didn’t generally suck………..or maybe a slightly more up-tempo, energetic version of the Thermals. Either way, Favourite Worst Nightmare is an album that I definitely felt compelled to mention because no one else seems to be giving it its due and if you only pay attention to music that people are already talking about, chances are you’ll miss out on this great album.

- An early note on the movie front for the week/weekend: Transformers already set several records on its opening night(s) of Monday and/or Tuesday, so it’s fairly safe to say that the movie will be your champion for this weekend. The question now is how much the movie will rake in over the weekend, although judging by its success on the Fourth of July, when people tend to eschew movies in favor of outdoor activities, Michael Bay’s new flick should be just fine.

The courts score one for The Man, a bad day for R. Clemens and the real problem with Live Earth

- My Saturday was made as a sports fan by three hours and 46 minutes of bliss broadcast from Yankee Stadium. The target of an overwhelming majority of my baseball-related hostility, Roger “Pocket Rocket” Clemens, was on the mound for the Yankees against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Near Encino Next to Redondo Beach. When Clemens pitches, my outcome of choice is always to see him be pounded by the opposition and take the loss. Running a close second in fates I love to see befall the big-headed, big-egoed Clemens is to see him pitch as well as he possibly can………and his team still loses. Option Two was the result today, with R. Clemens going eight innings and giving up only one run, yet the Yankees still lost, 2-1 in 13 innings. There’s not much better than watching Clemens give his all, go balls-to-the-wall, exhaust his every reserve of energy and still have it be not quite good enough. The loss, coupled with tonight’s loss by Boston, keeps New York to 11 games back in the division race, meaning that the Yanks can be no closer than 10 games when the All-Star break sets in after tomorrow. The Yankees may not be getting the season-saving boost they hoped for by signing the Pocket Rocket, but the $1 million per start they’re paying this jerk is definitely buying me a lot of enjoyment. So thanks for the help, Mr. Steinbrenner, you’re the best!

- I’m torn on what to think of the Live Earth concerts around the globe today, because it is definitely good to see people stand up against the continued abuse of the planet and our natural resources but some of the musical acts performing…….umm, they suck. I realize that if you’re going to have such a massive event and have concerts staged all around the world, you can't just go with one specific genre of music; that wouldn’t appeal to all of the people you want to reach. However, I think it is still possible to fill a 150-slot roster and avoid wretched and ear-assailing artists like Madonna, Shakira and Kelly Clarkson. With concerts in Rio de Janeiro, London, Tokyo, Johannesburg, Shanghai, Sydney, Hamburg, Washington, D.C. and East Rutherford, N.J., you could surely find enough acts who aren't all-dance, all-attitude, no-musical-skill-having skanks who are either 15 years past their prime (yes, you Madonna) or sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks operating a jackhammer (yes you, Shakira), no? Thankfully there are decent acts involved, including Metallica, Snow Patrol and Kanye West, but there are far too many hacks taking part for this to be a truly great event. I do feel bad for Washington, D.C. residents because the two headliners for the concert in their city are Garth Brooks are Trisha Yearwood, so many condolences go out to those living in our nation’s capital. Not everyone is down with the concept of a series of concerts to promote environmental awareness and conservation, though. “The last thing the planet needs is a rock concert,” whined The Who’s Roger Daltry. That’s the spirit, Roger, to hell with concerts, especially rock concerts! I guess you can say those sorts of things when you’re a member of a legendary, establish rock band, but I disagree with R. Daltry. The problem here isn't that a worldwide concert is being held; the problem is that the concert is mostly going to suck because of who’s performing in it.

- Oh, how I love empty, showy symbolic gestures. Nothing is better and more uplifting than empty, meaningless displays laced with all sorts of heavy metaphors and social messages. Case in point: the NAACP is going to hold a symbolic “burial” for the N-word at it ongoing convention in Detroit, with Julian Bond, the NAACP’s chairman, declaring that use of the word is wrong whether the person saying it is black or white. I don’t disagree with his sentiment, mind you; I’m just saying that in no way and no how is this one single, empty ceremony going to stop anyone from using that word. Fact is that people everywhere use it, whether it is bigoted, racist people of other races using it in a derogatory sense or whether it’s black people using it as a friendly or endearing term between each other. Whether the NAACP says that use of the word should cease or continue, people who use the word are going to continue using it. They don’t care what some activist organization says and you’re not going to convince them otherwise. It’s a nice concept by the NAACP, but it’s not going to have any impact at all.

- Passing the buck…….now that’s what should be the motto of our federal government. I don’t know what it is, probably something about unity, patriotism, service and commitment - I just know that passing the buck is what our government is all about. No one wants to actually be responsible for anything, as evidence by the decision of a federal appeals court in Cincinnati which rejected a lawsuit challenging W.’s intrusive, abusive and outright wrong domestic spying program that basically allows the government to totally invade its citizens’ right to privacy and intrusion upon their lives and private communication by the government. The appeals court justices ruled in a 2-1 decision that the plaintiffs had no standing to sue because they couldn’t actually prove that their communication had been monitored by the government. Amazingly, the two Republican judges on the panel were the ones voting in favor of a law enacted by an inept, idiotic, dolt of a Republican president. The decision vacates a ruling by a lower court in Detroit in 2006 that declared the warrantless surveillance authorized following the 9/11 terrorist attacks was unconstitutional. If you’re scoring at home, this makes the running tally The Man 1, Oppressed Citizens 0.

- That was fast. As quickly as the new CW series Hidden Palms came hurtling onto the airwaves, it is burning out just as quickly. The show will be airing its series finale this week, which is funny because having a wrap-up for a series that has only been on the air for a brief and aborted summer run is absurd. I’m not sure if the CW had plans for this to be a long-term show (and by long-term I mean more than a dozen episodes or so), but obviously not too many people were down with what was supposed to be a new version of The O.C. What’s also funny is that based on the subpar ratings Hidden Palms received, I’m surprised the CW cancelled it. After all, isn't it the network’s policy to keep its crappiest and most unwatchable shows on the air and get rid of its best shows? You’re saying that’s not their policy? Are you sure? This is the network that keeps One Tree Hill and Everybody Hates Chris on the air, revived a dead, dead, dead 7th Heaven for another season even though the show had outlived its usefulness about five or six years prior and killed off awesome shows like Everwood, Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars. It absolutely floors me that the CW cancelled what was clearly a terrible show in such expedient fashion and it leads me to believe one thing: Dawn Ostroff is no longer in charge. The good people at the network must have offed her and now be pulling a Weekend at Bernie’s with her corpse, because no way does that incompetent moron make the right decision in any situation. So adios to Hidden Palms, I never watched you and I’m glad I didn’t.

A failure of a protest, a failure for the use of performance-enhancing drugs and a failed Fourth of July celebration

- If this is what taking performance-enhancing drugs do for you, athletes may want to reconsider the practice. Detroit Tigers infielder Neifi Perez, he of the robust .172 batting average, one home run and six RBI, was hit today with a 25-game suspension by Major League Baseball after testing positive for a banned stimulant. Perez is past his days of being a starter and a star player, so maybe he was taking the stimulant in an attempt to boost his productivity and usefulness to the team, i.e. a means to earn more playing time. Whatever his reason, the drug he chose obviously didn’t work if you use his performance as a measuring stick. Perez’s suspension continues to trend of less-than-star players being the principal fall guys of MLB’s drug testing policy. So far, not a single A-list, star-quality player has gotten dinged. So either those guys know how to beat the testing, MLB chooses to look the other way if they test positive (unlikely given the new scrutiny on the sport by Congress and the public) or most of baseball’s best players are able to perform at the highest level without any supplementary help from ‘roids. As for our friend Neifi………well, at least he has a month off during the middle of the summer that he can use to take a vacation to Europe or the Caribbean, also to cycle off of whatever drugs he had been using. I realize that may drop his home run production from X to zero, but it’s a sacrifice Neifi’s going to have to make if he wants to continue to play professional baseball.

- Count me as one of the people who don’t give a rat’s arse about the upcoming Tony Parker-Eva Longoria wedding. I barely care what Parker does on the court, what with the NBA being my fifth or sixth favorite sport, so why again should I care about any detail of the man’s wedding? So he’s famous and his wife is even more famous, great. Their wedding will have lots of expensive stuff and be held at a fancy place, also super. A lot of rich people tend to do that stuff. Also, like every other wedding ever held anywhere at any time, the bride and groom will exchange vows and rings, then kiss one another and walk down the aisle together. Unless the wedding is also going to include a special moment where Ton and Eva announce a cure for cancer, declare that they are going to send me a check for $1 million or that they are single-handedly going to end the war in Iraq, then I really don’t see a single reason for me to care about their nuptials. I wish them well and hope their marriage is more successful than the majority of celebrity marriages, of which the average lifespan seems to be 18 months. Other than that, I’ll be making a point of ignoring any and all news about the wedding and hopefully you’ll be smart enough to do the same.

- This never would have happened to the “real” James Bond. An al-Qaida-inspired computer expert who billed himself as the “jihadist James Bond” was sentenced to 10 years in prison Wednesday by a British court for running a network of extremist websites and stockpiling videos of the murders of Americans Nick Berg and Daniel Pearl. Younis Tsouli, 23, also uploaded guides on how to build suicide-bombing vests onto the Internet. Taken in totality, his antics would definitely be Bond-esque, but James Bond most definitely wouldn’t get caught and put in prison for ten years. Also, before I’m willing to bestow that type of nickname on Tsouli, I need to know how often he hooks up with smoking hot, drop-dead gorgeous women who just happen to be nuclear scientists, doctors and jewel thieves and whether or not his car is capable of shooting missiles from the headlight sockets and/or turning into an underwater craft at the push of a button. Lastly, mixing in an escape from prison would also help Tsouli truly earn the “jihadist James Bond” label. He is in fact imprisoned in England and James Bond is, after all, British, so it’s only fitting.

- No bigger fan of a good protest and/or riot exists than me, but I also must take the time to mock and ridicule those who stage bad protests and give all of us dissidents world wide a bad name. Thus, a major, major wag of the finger to the weak, feeble protest attempt made by more than a million people in Colombia on Thursday. These yutzes were bold enough to………honk their car horns in unison to demand the immediate liberation of all the company’s kidnap victims! That is absolutely, positively one of the worst protest ideas ever. In order to make a powerful political/social statement, you join together with a bunch of other bozos in making one of the five or six most annoying sounds known to mankind (ranking behind any music from Britney Spears, the Spice Girls or American Karaoke, the sound of Fran Drescher’s voice and the noise from a smoke alarm). Five seconds later, your protest is over and I’m sure that the people responsible for all of those kidnappings were scared to death. Either that or they were laughing their butts off at your pathetic attempt to make a statement. For future reference, Colombians, please note that any good protest/demonstration must contain at least two of the following: marching, signage, chanting, rioting, burning, looting, pillaging, kidnapping, hostages, fiery rhetoric and gunfire. Of those eleven possible ingredients, your “protest” contained none, making your effort an utter and abysmal failure.

- Not to compound the grief of a family that has just lost a child, but is it too much to ask that people stop acting like complete morons and trying to incorporate things like cannons into their Fourth of July celebrations? An 8-year-old boy in Olympia, Wash. was tragically killed Wednesday when a small cannon being fired as part of his family’s holiday celebration exploded. For the family of this boy and other families across America, I have a special educational message: Your local municipality probably has fireworks of some sort, usually on a much grander scale. Also, chances are that there are people at those fireworks shows who have at least some clue about what they’re doing and that tends to avert this very kind of catastrophe. Go to these shows for your major firework enjoyment needs and restrict your home celebrations to sprinklers, bottle rockets and the occasional Roman candle if you happen to be knowledgeable about fireworks. From now on, leave cannons and all other major artillery out of the holiday equation unless your holiday plans include sacking and plundering a Medieval castle or laying siege to the fort in your nearest port city in an attempt to gain a military stronghold.

Tales of weed, eccentric soul singers and a Communist Olympics

- When all else fails for a celebrity, especially a musician or author, nothing can raise your street cred quite like going to the “mysterious recluse” card for a couple decades. It’s worked wonders for the profile of Salman Rushdie, in fact. Now, we’ll se if it applies to a legendary funk musician. In the late ’60s, funk musician Sly Stone was a huge star with his band Sly and the Family Stone. He last gave an interview in the ’80s, choosing to spend the last two decades or so in seclusion. He briefly resurfaced last year at the Grammys to perform in a shiny, metallic jacket, a ginormous belt buckle with “Sly” spelled out in sequins and sporting a massive blond mohawk. Now, Sly says he’s returning to the studio to record a new album. “I got a lot of songs I want to record and put out,” said Stone, who clearly did not spend his time in seclusion brushing up on his grammatical skills. “I’m gonna try ‘em out on the road. That’s the way its always worked the best: Let’s try it out and see how the people feel.” It’s ironic to hear a musician notorious for flaking on gigs say that he chooses which songs to record by testing them out at concerts, but I guess you just have to show up for enough performances to test out new material and then you don’t worry about the other gigs. Either way, expect a tepid response for the new album, what with most of Stone’s fans from the ’60s being either deceased or geriatric and younger fans having no idea who he is. Good to have you back, Sly, I think……..

- Who’s ready for a Communist Winter Olympics? If that’s you, you’ll want to circle 2014 on your calendar (granted, it will have to be one of those elusive 10-year calendars, hard to come by) because that’s when the city Sochi, Russia will be hosting the 22nd Winter Olympics. Sochi is a resort town located near the Black Sea, which sounds like a bad place to have to go for the Olympics until you consider that the runner-up in bidding for the Games was Pyeonchang, South Korea. Yes, the International Olympic Committee was considering sending Olympians to a country where the Communist, burgeoning nuclear power North Koreans reside just a slight jaunt to the north. Of course, the way Russia is headed, they’ll be fully Communist by 2014 anyhow and they’re already nuclear-capable, so it’s six one way and half a dozen the other. Props to the IOC for ignoring the best of the three finalists, Salzburg, Austria. Now that’s a place the Winter Olympics should be. When I think winter sports, I think the Austrian Alps, that’s for sure. When you consider that Salzburg already has world-class sports venues in place and could have been ready for the Olympics quickly and easily, it should have been a no-brainer, but Russia managed to bribe, er, coerce, er win the IOC over with its bid and so the world’s elite winter sports athletes will be heading to Sochi in 2014.

- So Al Gore was arrested Wednesday by San Diego police for speeding and suspicion of drug possession…..oh, did I forget to mention that it was Al Gore III, the 24-year-old son of the former politician-turned environmental crusader? The younger Gore was tearing down the San Diego Freeway at about 100 mph when cops pulled him over at 2:15 a.m. The officer who stopped Gore smelled marijuana in the car and a search turned up a small stash of the hippie lettuce, along with Xanax, Valium, Vicodin and Adderall, four prescription drugs that Gore does not have a prescription for. I’d be more surprised by the possession of weed, but what do you expect from the son of a tree-hugging environmentalist? Besides, isn't it a rule that all high-profile politicians must have a child or other family member who is the proverbial black sheep and embarrasses the family with arrests and a totally out-of-control lifestyle? Bubba Clinton had his brother Roger, W. has his two alkie daughters and Al Gore has his pothead of a son. Besides, if we freak out over every young kid who is pulled over with a car filled with an assortment of illegal drugs, America will be stressing itself right into a collective ulcer several on a regular basis. However, for future reference, Gore III, if you feel the need to possess marijuana and prescription drugs that weren't prescribed to you, don’t have them loaded up in your car a 2:15 a.m. while going 30-40 mph over the speed limit on a major freeway. Stay home, watch Planet Earth on TV and alternate handfuls of Cheetos and Doritos, my man, it’s all good.

- I’ve never read OK! magazine and after hearing this bit of news, I plan to start subscribing a year after never. Every magazine or magazine-style TV show thrives on making lists to stir up debate, whether it’s most beautiful, wealthiest, most successful, more influential, etc. However, any magazine that includes a list of the “most influential” celebrities and picks the infant daughter of a deceased porn actress as one of the 19 most influential people is the biggest farce of a publication I’ve ever seen. Yes, OK! magazine has chosen the daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith, young Dannielynn. as one of the world’s most influential celebs. Are you freaking kidding me? Other than having a bunch of publicity hungry scumbags fighting to prove paternity after the untimely demise of a mother who, rest in peace, made her fame and fortune taking her clothes off and getting after it with strangers on camera, what the frak has this kid done? She can't walk, talk or write and to the best of my knowledge, she’s contributed exactly nothing to the world at large, as it the case with pretty much all infants. Who has she influenced, and what has she influenced them to do? Unless she can influence her father, Larry Birkhead, to stop being a professional slimeball who tries to exploit his daughter for attention and money, then I don’t think Dannielynn has done anything of note. Creating controversy and discussion through your inane, concocted list is one thing OK! magazine, but looking like a bunch of total ass clowns who created this list while on a painkiller/vodka/heroin binge with a tequila chaser and after suffering a series of blows to the head with the stupid stick is quite another. Not that your magazine had any credibility before, but it has less than zero credibility now.

- WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Alerting the whole eastern seaboard, you are in grave, grave danger. Hide your children, especially boys under the age of 14. The King of Pedophiles, er, Pop, is looking for a vacation home and his target is somewhere along the Atlantic coast. Apparently looking to reestablish roots in America after terrorizing the rest of the world for a while, Whack-O Jack-O has begun perusing properties on Maryland’s Eastern shore but is not limiting himself to that area. His spokesman says the Freaky One would be willing to consider locations all along the coast, meaning that literally hundreds of communities and their population of young boys are in serious trouble. If you live in a town along the east coast, you’re going to want to go ahead and establish some sort of early warning alarm and other safety protocols just in case the K.O.P. decides to go house hunting in or, heaven forbid, live in your area.

- One thing I cannot and will not stand for is acrobat abuse. The countless lives that have been ruined by horrible, thoughtless people who abuse the circus’ most valued performers are truly heartbreaking. For this reason, I could not be angrier at a trio of Las Vegas men who enslaved more than 20 members of a Chinese acrobatic team, feeding them next to nothing, paying them little or nothing to perform and confiscating their passports and visas. You Zhi Li, 38, Yang Shen, 21 and Jun Hu, 43, were arrested this week on slavery charges and made their maiden appearance in U.S. District Court on Tuesday. The reason these three nitwits were caught is that a woman who worked as a translator for the China Star Acrobats escaped from captivity in June and contacted authorities. Not that there’s ever a good excuse for kidnapping and enslaving people, but how great of Li, Shen and Hu to do that to people of their own nationality as they tried to make their way in a foreign country. Way to show Chinese solidarity, guys! Maybe no one told you, but the who slavery fad died out here in America about 150 years ago, so trying to resuscitate it in 2007 was a decidedly bad idea on your part.

- Someone needs to inform the University of Florida football team that the window for wild celebrations and disorderly conduct following the winning of a national championship is about 24 hours. You win, you riot, end of story. Except that the UF team appears intent on acting like hooligans year round, which has led to the suspension of two starters from the team, one for the entire 2007 season and one for the season opener. Offensive lineman Ronnie Wilson has been suspended for the season, while running back Brandon James is suspended for UF's season opener. Wilson, a sophomore, was charged June 14 with one count of battery and one count of discharging a firearm in a public place, both first-degree misdemeanors. He was arrested April 5 after allegedly firing a semiautomatic rifle following an argument. According to a Gainesville Police Department report, Wilson spit on and slapped a man at a Gainesville nightclub. Wilson left the club, and the man followed him as he drove away. Wilson reportedly pulled into a parking lot, removed the gun from his trunk and fired it into the air as the man drove away. James, UF’s top kick returner last year, was arrested June 11 with Brandon Powell, a reserve guard on UF’s basketball team. Each face charges of purchasing marijuana and possession of less than 20 grams of marijuana. Hmm, recklessly firing a gun into the air, rolling with a stash of weed……..sounds like a night-of-championship style party. Instead, Wilson and James have put their careers in jeopardy because they just don’t know when to say when with their hijinks and shenanigans.

Gluttony lives here, Venus Williams isn't welcome here and here is a place we respect discarded Nepalese deities

- U.S.A!! U.S.A.!!! Say it loud, say it proud America, the champion of chowing down, the gargantuan of gluttony, the king of competitive eating now resides in our great nation. Joey Chesnut did something that is all at once amazing, revolting, beautiful and disgusting, downing 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes to claim the title of World Hot Dog Eating champion. Chesnut defeated nemesis Takeru Kobayashi and set a new world record in the process, eating more hot dogs in one-fifth of an hour than I’ll eat in the rest of my life if I’m fortunate. As the champion, Chesnut receives the Nathan’s Mustard Yellow belt, and I’m not ashamed to tell you that as that belt was held aloft over Chesnut’s head and he was announced as the new champion, there was a tear of pride in my eye. That pride went nicely with the absolute gut-busting laughter I engaged in when the participants for the contest were announced. You have all of these jokers who come from all over the country, work normal jobs and presumably have reasonably normal lives, but they’re being introduced like they’re heavyweight fighters entering the ring for a title bout. They have on all sorts of swag, robes, hats, shades, and there’s some dude pulling magic handkerchiefs out of his mouth, one after the other, then there’s the self-glossing nicknames they’ve bestowed upon themselves and the absurdly disgusting food items that these sick freaks have won contests for eating, it’s all uber-hilarious. Seriously, where else could your name be announced along with the notation that you hold the world record for eating pig’s feet, Rocky Mountain Oysters, mayonnaise or butter and a massive crowd cheers raucously? Congrats to Joey Chesnut for doing the impossible and defeating a legend, and a sweet farewell to T. Kobayashi as the biggest eater in the world. For all the rest of the freak jobs in this contest……..well, here’s hoping I don’t ever sit down in a restaurant at a table near any of you.

- From star of the winning team in the Super Bowl to making a cash grab to play for the worst team in the NFL to being suspended for four games from that worst NFL team because you couldn’t behave yourself in the offseason: It’s the story of running back Dominic Rhodes. Rhodes was a member of the two-headed running back monster that helped propel the Indianapolis Colts to a victory in Super Bowl XLII, then he bolted as a free agent to sign with the Oakland Raiders, the worst franchise in the league. I’m sure Rhodes would argue that it wasn’t about the money, which means that of course, it was all about the money. Oakland gave him big bucks and he jumped at their offer. Everything was going really well……..until the NFL announced yesterday that Rhodes has been dinged with a four-game suspension for an undisclosed violation of the NFL’s substance-abuse policy. The league doesn’t announce what specific substance a player used, so there’s no way to know for sure what caused the suspension - well, unless you assume that it’s related to the incident in March where Rhodes pleaded guilty to reckless driving charges in Indiana after prosecutors agreed to drop drunken driving charges against him. I’m not a financial advisor or investment expert, but I’d have to say that so far, the Raiders aren't getting a very good return on the investment they made in Dominic Rhodes. You bring a guy in the help revitalize your running game and he can’t even stay in his shoes long enough to avoid being suspended for a quarter of the season two months before it even begins. Maybe you didn’t know, Dom, maybe you hadn't heard - there’s a new sheriff in the NFL and his name is Roger Goodell. His justice is swift and severe and if you f’up, he’ll bring the sword of vengeance down on your ass in less time than it takes you to blink. Take your punishment, keep your mouth shut and stop driving drunk, or else you aren't going to have much of a future in this league.

- Ironically, after a story about wayward NFL players, we come to a story about Tasers. Those two things are irrevocably tied together, so for that reason I’m going to suggest that the robots you’re about to read about will inevitably come into contact with one or fifty NFL players within the next three or four years. iRobot Corp., a manufacturer of robots used extensively by the U.S. military, has added Tasers to robots it already makes for military use, and the company says it hopes to give soldiers and law enforcement a defensive, non-lethal tool. Critics claim the Taser-armed ‘bots are just one more step toward having robots able to kill and also make decisions about when to use lethal force, but I like to see a silver lining in all of this. Let’s say you have an unruly, drunk NFL player out on South Beach and your nearest uniformed officer is a 5’2, 110-pound rookie female cop. Instead of forcing that officer have to face off with a belligerent, intoxicated, 305-pound lineman, just send in the Taser-bot to take care of business. Actually, the city of Cincinnati might want to go ahead and pre-order about five dozen of these robots, because with the Bengals set to kick of their season soon, the Cincinnati police need all the extra help they can get.

- I’d like to personally thank Venus Williams for single-handedly ruining Wimbledon for me this year. Maybe you’re asking, “How can she ruin the entire tournament for you, she’s playing good, exciting tennis and winning?” Allow me to answer in four words that will send a wave of sadness and depression over every male ages 18-49 in America: She beat Maria Sharapova. For your average guy, Sharapova is more than enough reason to have an interest in women’s tennis, what with her being a 6’2, smoking hot blonde that you don’t mind watching run around the tennis court for a couple of hours. Furthermore, she recently made it known that one of her life goals is to be a Bond girl, i.e. to fill a film role that is a favorite of any guy to ever watch a 007 movie. Actually, if you’re not familiar with Maria, allow me to pause so you can go ahead and head on over to Google Images and find out what I’m talking about……………………………………OK, now you see my point? Thanks to V. Williams ousting the lovely Ms. Sharapova in the freaking quarterfinals of Wimbledon, I now have zero reasons to watch the remainder of the tournament. Way to ruin what should have been a great run to the finals, Venus, you’re now #1 on my list of most despised athletes, edging ahead of Roger “Pocket Rocket” Clemens…….well, until the next time he pitches and I have to see his fat, ugly, bloated, arrogant face splashed all over my TV screen.

- Relying on the House of Representatives when a crucial decision hangs in the balance for our nation doesn’t exactly fill me with hope. Yet I’m forced to hang my hopes on this collection of 435 self-important, self-serving, wasteful, dishonest scumbags as they wage a battle against an even bigger tool, W., as he tries to continue his administration’s disturbing trend of being power hungry and trying to override, ignore or blatantly flout the rules and laws by which our nation is supposed to operate. When it’s not VP/Vice Lord/Master of Darkness Dick Cheney claiming that he is part of both the executive and legislative branches and a part of neither at the same time, it’s W. trying to grab even more undeserved and unneeded power by giving an obscure White House office authority over regulations affecting health, worker safety and the environment. In other words, W. wants to bestow that authority on a mysterious, dark-corner office within his control. Yes, the same president who basically refuses to admit that global warming exists and pressured scientists to change their findings on the issue wants to have an office under his heavy hand of influence as an arbiter on all things environmental. The Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs would be the recipient of this oh, so generous gift, unless of course the House succeeds in shutting down W.’s power play. The House measure designed to halt this despicable and offensive power grab by W. “stops this president or any president from seizing the power to re-write almost every law that Congress passes, laws that protect public health, the environment, safety, civil rights, privacy and on and on,” stated Rep. Brad Miller, D-N.C., the bill’s sponsor. Yes, folks, this president is so bad that Congress is being forced to enact measures to prevent him from totally f’ing up our country on a permanent basis. On a side note, the guy making this move to seize power he doesn’t need or deserve is the same one currently using some of the power he has to commute the sentence of a convicted criminal he used to employ, Scooter Libby, and possibly give this crook a full pardon! Yes, W. is simply not content with the lead he has in the race for the worst president ever, so in his remaining time in office he’s looking to pad that lead as much as possible.

- I can totally sympathize with Sajani Shakya, a 10-year-old Nepalese girl who suffered quite a heavy loss over the weekend. It seems young Sajani is one of several “Kumaris,” or living goddesses in the small Asian nation - at least she was until an ill-fated trip abroad led to her being stripped of her lofty title. Sajani traveled overseas to promote a documentary about the ancient Kumari tradition in Nepal and lost her title as a goddess because of breaking that very same tradition by leaving the country. As one of the kingdom’s top three living deities, Sajani is subject to restrictions that don’t allow her to leave Nepal (I don’t make this stuff up, even if it sounds bizarre, I just tell it like it is). Now she has been stripped of her title and I’m sure she must be devastated. One question, though: If you’re a freaking living goddess, how can anyone strip you of your title? You’re the freaking deity, so how can a human being take it from you, especially if you’re one of the top three living goddesses? Can’t you just strike someone down if they try to take your title away? Sorry for your bad fortune, Sajani, but if it helps, you’re still at the top of the list for me when it comes to alleged living goddesses in obscure Nepalese kingdoms.

A new reason to bash W., Mexican drug testing and a Chinese-American standoff

- I was starting to get a little tired of being a one-track presidential critic, continually bashing W. for anything and everything associated with the war in Iraq in any way. Not that I was going to stop the verbal abuse, because let’s face it, there are so many facets of this war to be pissed off about that you can hit on something new every day. Still, I happily embrace the chance for another topic on which to verbally eviscerate our colossally crappy leader, that topic being his indefensible and horrifically unjust commutation of the 30-month prison sentence given to former White House aide I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby for his role in the CIA leak that caused a national uproar last year. Personally I’d give him a 2 ½ years in the whole just for being a grown man with the nickname Scooter, but that’s just me. Still, after a jury found Libby guilty of obstructing justice in a probe into the leak of a CIA operative’s name and sentenced him to the 30 months in jail, how sleazy and despicable of W. to wipe out the prison time and leave a former member of his staff with only a $250,000 fine and two years’ probation. This is dirty, dishonest and underhanded politics at its utmost, and I wanted to reach right through the TV screen and pummel the president when he outright lied by saying that his actions “still leave in place a harsh punishment for Mr. Libby.” No, President Ass Clown, they don’t. A fine that amounts to a slap on the wrist for someone like Libby and two years probation aren't a stiff punishment, especially not when you’ll probably just pardon him again if he’s convicted of violating that probation. Also, whoever wrote the president’s remarks for him about the decision needs to use smaller words, because there’s no way I’m going to believe that W. had anything to do with a speech that uses multi-syllabic words such as “excessive.” How many months of this absolute bulls**t in the Oval Office do we have left again?

- No one who has watched even a small amount of professional wrestling could reasonably deny the existence of steroid usage among wrestlers. However, I don’t know if many people were aware of just how absolutely huge a problem that ‘roids have been, are and will continue to be in the world of the squared circle. If the details coming out about Chris Benoit and the amount of steroids he bought and used are any indication of the pro wrestling world in general (and from everything we’ve heard, including the inclusion of several wrestlers on the list of people purchasing ‘roids from an illegal online pharmacy a few months back), then this is an extremely, extremely big problem and one that demands immediate and severe action. It’s now being reported that Benoit was regularly purchasing a 10-month supply of injectable anabolic steroids from his doctor, Dr. Phil Astin. Every three or four weeks, Astin would sell the ‘roids to Benoit. Ironically, Astin hasn’t been indicted yet for any misconduct relating to Benoit, but Monday an indictment was issued which charges Astin with improperly dispensing painkillers and other drugs to two different patients. Assuming that Benoit wasn’t turning around and dealing the ‘roids (a reasonable assumption), then the fact that we was using up a 10-month supply in the space of three or four weeks is frightening. Yes, it has come out that he was injecting his own 7-year-old son with steroids because he believed the boy was undersized and needed to get bigger and stronger, but a large quantity of those steroids had to be consumed by Benoit as well. If even five percent of professional wrestlers are involved in the same type of ‘roid use as Benoit, then this is a huge problem that the WWE needs to address now. Going on a crusade against Astin might seem logical as well, but I’d argue what’s the point? There will always be doctors willing to do what he did, to prescribe drugs illegally to patients and circumvent the law. You have to go after the ones that do and prosecute them, but beyond that the right choice is to attack the problem from the other end, i.e. the user. Dealing with a culture like that of WWE, where steroid use is encouraged, if not promoted, is a much bigger priority and hopefully it can help in preventing the furtherance of an already alarming trend of pro wrestlers dying before they reach the age of 40.

- Today’s riot watch takes us to the Central American nation of Guatemala, where 1,500 angry villagers (and really, angry villagers are the best kind) rioted to protest the purported kidnapping of two children from their town. The rioters burned down the local police station and took the village’s mayor and another man hostage. The whole riot was sparked when police tried to prevent the angry mob from seizing an 18-year-old man they believe to be responsible for the kidnapping. The size of the crowd forced the outmanned police to flee, leaving the 1,500 angry citizens to burn down the police station and the home of a woman thought to have tried to buy the two kidnapped children. First, mad props to the rioters for the torching of the police station, because what better way is there to stick it to The Man than to burn down a place that symbolizes authority and repression of the common man? And while the villagers may be jumping the gun a bit with their attempt at vigilante justice, maybe would-be kidnappers will think twice when they look to snatch a child from this village. In the end, the true measure of riot quality is the aftermath, and I’d say one police station destroyed by fire, one home destroyed by fire, running off the police and taking two hostages, including the mayor, would qualify this as an A, riot. The only thing keeping it from A+ status is the lack of gunfire, explosives and the flipping over/burning of cars. So a tip of the hat to the Guatemalan villagers, you guys sure know how to throw a good riot………

- “Dear Parent, we are sending home this permission slip with your son/daughter _____________________ to ask your consent for administering regular drug testing to your child.” Most permission slips sent home from school are for field trips, class trips, participation in sports and similar school activities, but if Mexican President Felipe Calderon has his way, that sentence you just read will become a reality for the parents of thousands of Mexican public school students. The tests would be “a permanent monitoring of the students’ health so we are able to detect any addiction and immediately act,” Calderon said in a statement on Monday. While it is true that Mexico is besieged by drug cartels and is a major point along the route for cocaine, marijuana and heroin coming to the United States, I can’t get on board with this testing. The school isn't there to parent your kids or to be their family, it’s there to supply them with the education they need as they go throughout life. Presenting this testing as a measure not to punish, but rather help kids is simply disguising it and trying to sell it as a helping hand instead of the invasion of privacy it is. Parents should reject it and refuse to sign up for the program, because it’s not the school’s place to be testing their kids for drugs. If you suspect your child is using or may be experimenting, why would you push it off on the school to do the testing? Why not deal with it yourself? And if you don’t believe your child is involved with drugs, why would you subject them to the scrutiny and dehumanization of enforced drug testing? Besides, it would only teach these children another educational skill that up to now has been reserved for adults: how to beat a drug test. Leave the parenting to parents, Calderon, and stop trying to turn your public schools into the ultimate Big Brother.

- It turns out that the most exciting subplot of this year’s NBA Draft wasn’t the draft lottery to determine the order teams picked in, nor was it the night of the draft itself, when numerous trades took place and we got to see what team players would go to. No, as the fallout from the draft happens, the absolute best story is the standoff between the Milwaukee Bucks and the man they picked sixth overall, Chinese sensation Yi Jianlian. Before the draft, Yi and his flunkies did everything possible to discourage the Bucks from drafting the 7-footer, going so far as to refuse to allow the Bucks to attend Yi’s workouts. They made it known that he had no intent or desire to go to Milwaukee, but instead wanted to go to a city with a sizeable Chinese population. The Bucks took all of that in, weighed their options………and then gave Yi and his crew the ultimate middle finger by picking him anyhow. The team decided to pick the best player available to them, his objections be damned. Now, Yi is digging in his heels and refusing to have anything to do with the Bucks. He did not go to Milwaukee for the customary day-after press conference to be introduced in his new home city, he hasn’t negotiated at all with the Bucks or communicated with them in any way other than to ask to be traded. Instead, Yi has gone off to play with the Chinese national team in games he was already committed to play in anyhow. So here we sit, both sides refusing to budge and with one side, the Bucks, holding almost all of the power. They don’t have to trade Yi and they retain his rights unless they trade or release him, so if the team doesn’t change its mind, he can either play for them or not play at all in the NBA. It’s a tough position to be in, having your top draft pick refuse to play for you, but I give the Bucks big-time credit for staring down Yi and his representatives and saying in essence, “Screw you. You want to play in the NBA, you have to submit to the draft like everyone else and play with the team that picks you. You don’t get to dictate to us where you want to go.” Hey Yi, if you’re really that pissed about playing in Milwaukee, you can always go back to China and play there for the rest of your career, making a whole lot less and without experiencing the NBA and American lifestyle you’ve grown so fond of. Your choice, big boy………….

Let it go, Diana-lovers, I hate you all, New York Yankees and what the British are doing to improve their dental deficiencies

- Just because I’m a sports junkie and watch ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNEWS and ESPN Classic incessantly doesn’t mean I’m down with every show, segment and new idea the Worldwide Leader has. Sometimes, they come up with a new SportsCenter segment or gimmick that I absolutely loathe, then they compound the issue by giving control of that segment to Stuart Scott and the hideously butchered bastardization of the English language that he speaks. The current target of my ESPN ire is “Who’s Now?”, a terrible gaffe of an idea that is so abstract and out in left field that it took me all of two seconds to pause, take a look and say, “Aww, screw it, this idea sucks!” The concept, and it’s still really fuzzy so I’ll do my best, is to factor in things like on-field success, marketability, popularity, ability to make a good fondue, tendency to have a bad case of morning breath and ability to complete Sodoku puzzles and come up with an athlete who is the most “Now,” whatever the frak that even means. Having Stu Scott speak his gibberish-ese into the camera only compounds the problem. Now, this segment has become one of the parts of SportsCenter (right up there with any talk about auto racing, NASCAR and horse racing) that I make a point of not watching. The only now I’m concerned about as it relates to “Who’s Now” is wishing that this whole shtick would end now so I can get back to actually wanting to watch one of my favorite shows on TV.

- She’s been freaking dead for ten freaking years, people! Every time I see another $&#%$&%#^! special, concert or investigation into the death of Princess Diana, I feel the need to scream that at every person involved. The woman is dead, she’s been dead and since she died, a lot of other people, famous people even, have died as well and I don’t see concerts or shows in their honor. Good grief, the woman didn’t cure cancer, bring peace to the Middle East or win a Nobel Prize and yet because she was a member of a decaying, only-for-show monarchy in a small island nation in Europe and died in a car crash, everyone insists on continuing to focus on her like she’s a combination of Gandhi, Mother Therese, the pope and Martin Luther King all rolled into one. The latest dog-and-pony show in honor of Diana was a concert over the weekend where a bunch of sucky musical acts sang, her two sons spoke to the crowd and viewers with no friends, no hobbies and no sense of self-respect tuned in on VH1 to watch. Hacks like Nelly Furtado and Duran Duran performed at the concert, held on what would have been Diana’s 46th birthday. Note to Price William and Prince Harry, Diana’s sons: Holding a public concert for your deceased mother isn't cool, it’s creepy. Birthday parties are for people who are still alive. If you want to gather the family for a private event, that’s cool. If you want to hold a special service at her graveside to honor her, that’s also fine. But having N. Furtado sing Man Eater……….well, that’s just dumb. That song is enough to ruin anyone’s birthday, living or dead. The bottom line is that Diana is gone and the sooner people start facing up to that and stop trying to act like she was the greatest poet/humanitarian/philanthropist/philosopher/warrior/savant ever, the better off we’ll all be.

- The box office champion this past weekend? None other than an animated rat, Disney’s Ratatouille took the top honors, grossing $47.2 million and edging out its competitors. Another big story is the precipitous drop in earnings for the crap-tastic Evan Almighty, which brought in $15 million, down 52 percent from its opening weekend. The movie’s producers had hoped to rake in $175 million in profits, but given the fact that even the theatrically simple, lacking-in-good-movie-taste public is treating the movie like it’s the most offensive piece of cinematic crap since Gigli, those hopes look like they’ll be dashed. Also worth noting is the $4.5 million total posted by Michael Moore’s new movie Sicko, good for ninth place in the box office standings but with one significant caveat: that’s an amazing total for a documentary. For a normal film it would be a subpar opening weekend, but for a documentary about the deplorable state health care has been allowed to sink into under the inept leadership of W., it’s a great total. But overall, not a strong weekend in terms of new movie openings, because when Live Free or Die Hard is considered the “blockbuster” for a given weekend, going to the theater is about the eighth or ninth best thing to do with your time on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday.

- Props to England for killing two big problems with a single shot. England became the final country in the United Kingdom to join the 21st century and drop a smoking ban on the entire country. In so doing, British officials also unwittingly took a major step towards solving another major issue in their country: the absolutely atrocious state of the teeth in the mouths of British citizens. There are jokes made about the disgusting state of British chiclets in so many movies and TV shows for a reason; your average Brit sports molars, canines and incisors that are a nasty shade of yellowish-brown. By banning smoking, which has a fantastic ability to expedite the yellowing process for teeth (as well as turning your face into a leathery mess resembling a used baseball catcher’s mitt), the British government has inadvertently helped many of its citizens avoid both lung cancer and nasty teeth. The new smoking ban is so extensive that it even includes Buckingham Palace. Of course, if you’re taking a trip around Europe for vacation, you can actually make up for the secondhand smoke you’ll miss inhaling in Britain simply by spending an extra day or two in France or Greece, so no worries.

- On very rare occasions, you wish really hard for something and it actually happens, usually about as often as Pauly Shore releases a watchable movie (OK, a little more often than that). For millions (AND MILLIONS) of baseball fans worldwide, that wish was to see the pudgy, arrogant, self-important mercenary Roger “Pocket Rocket” Clemens fall flat on his fat, ugly, steroid-bloated (allegedly) face in his return to the team with a fat, bloated payroll of aging superstars that everyone loves to loathe, the New York Yankees. A month in, everything is going according to plan. After a brief surge of competency, the Yankees have returned to their underachieving ways, having lost 9 of their last 11 games to fall to 37-40, a hulking 11 GB of first-place Boston and in third place in the American League East. And what of the would-be savior, Clemens, and his return to the mound for the team he once lied to about retiring and then jumped ship to Houston? That piece of crap is a verrrrrrry impressive 1-3 with a 5.30 E.R.A., meaning that he’s done exactly 0.005% of what the Yankees are paying him $1 million per start to do. He had his first start pushed back several days due to a groin injury and has pitched like there’s something wrong with him ever since. No, Yankee fans, there is no second-half surge on the way for your mediocre team and its broken down “ace” and all of America is going to spend the rest of the baseball season laughing our butts off at the absolutely suck-tacular season you’re putting together.

P.S. So what are the Yankees doing to get their season back on track? Lighting their equipment on fire right on the field, of course. At least that’s what relief pitcher Scott Proctor is doing. After yet another dreadful outing (yes, I know Yankee fan, they’re all blending together right now), Proctor proceeded to haul some of his gear out onto the gravel area near the home dugout at Yankee Stadium and set it ablaze. Rumor has it that he lit the fire from the smoldering remains of the fire he’d created when he entered the game, doused the infield with gasoline and started flicking around lit blue tips to send the team’s chances of winning up in flames. Proctor attempted to downplay the whole pyromaniac episode by saying that he’s done the same thing numerous times before, which makes me feel a lot better. What’s more reassuring than a player who likes to set fire to things when he doesn’t play well? Proctor’s assertion that his burning of equipments lightens the mood is nearly as funny as it is scary. If burning things makes him feel happier, what does he do when he’s really pissed? Create a homemade bomb and blow up a car? Find the forest nearest his home and light the whole thing on fire? Yes, it’s a decidedly good time to be a Yankee Hater………

An agent forgetting his place, an NBA team in disarray, toxic bootleg toothpaste

- Scott Boras needs to stick to what he does best, namely being an objectionable, arrogant ass of an agent and negotiating insanely over-inflated contracts for his clients. Unfortunately, when someone with a ginormous ego like Boras has is around the game of baseball, he is always going to think that he has a ton of brilliant ideas that could make the game sooooo much better. Witness the letter that Boras sent to MLB commissioner Bud Selig, which contains among other things an absolutely horrific idea for jacking up the World Series. The World Series is currently in a 2-2-1-1-1, best-of-seven format, meaning the first team to win four games is the victor and the team with home field advantage (stupidly determined by which league, American or National, wins the All-Star Game) plays the first two games on its home turf, the opposing team gets the next two on its home field and then games alternate back and forth until the seventh game, which is played (if it’s needed) on the field of the team with the home field advantage. Boras, in his infinitely finite wisdom, wants to expand the series to a best-of-nine have the two additional games be played on a neutral site prior to the current seven games that exist in the World Series. His hope is to turn the World Series into an event like the Super Bowl, with all of the MLB season awards (Most Valuable Player, Manager of the Year, Rookie of the Year, Cy Young, etc.) announced at a big gala event the night before the first World Series game, with the top five candidates for each award present at a big awards ceremony, a la the MTV Movie Awards. I could spend days dissecting why this is such a terrible idea, but I’ll restrict my rant to two points: 1) The World Series already starts and ends too late in the year, meaning games are often played in frigid, awful weather not conducive to anyone actually enjoying them and this proposal would mean going even later into the year, closer to winter, and 2) The World Series is what it is largely because all games are played at the home stadium of one of the teams involved. That generates all sorts of passion, excitement and the potential for amazing memories for fans of that team to see in their own stadium in person. Moving even two games to a neutral site would ruin that, period. Again, my advice to S. Boras is to go back to being a pompous prick of an agent and leave these matters to people who are much more capable than you.

- Not much revs me up like the news that a former American Karaoke contestant is coming out with a new album. I don’t have nearly enough crappy karaoke music in my collection, so I’m usually lined up outside the door of my local record store the day the album comes out. Either that or I laugh uncontrollably at yet another feeble attempt to prolong a career by one of these losers and run the other direction, lest I listen to even a second of the garbage they call music. Thus, I really can’t find anything positive to say about the new album from Kelly Clarkson, even though it’s clear she’s trying to move more towards the rock end of the spectrum (albeit with a mix of depression and deep-seated bitterness) and away from the pop-tartiness that she’s embodied up to this point. It’s similar to those times in school when a teacher let you turn in an assignment a day late, but penalized you a letter grade for your tardiness. No matter what, you were working with a handicap and couldn’t do better than a B. Or for those of you long removed from school, it would be like having a girl who once ruthlessly broke up with your best friend, cheated on him, threw a rock through his car windshield and set his house on fire, and now that girl has decided she wants to go out with you. No matter how nice she is or how hot she looks, she’s behind the 8-ball and you’re not going to have anything to do with her. That’s more or less what being associated with the farce that is American Karaoke has done for Clarkson. Being on that show has forever tainted her, and I don’t care if her future albums contain collaborations with Aerosmith, AC/DC, Nine Inch Nails, Velvet Revolver and KISS, she’s not going to ever lose the AK stench in my view. Nice try, though, K., I’ll begrudgingly admit that of all the albums released by former AK contestants, this one just might suck the least.

- It’s becoming less and less of a mystery why the New York Knicks have been the absolute laughingstock of the NBA the past three or four years. With an organization this “well” run……….let’s just say that allegations of executives ordering cheerleaders to flirt with referees before games, star players calling front office personnel derogatory names and having drunken sex with marketing staffers after hitting up a strip club doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in your ability to run a functional pro basketball franchise. Those allegations come from former team marketing executive Anucha Brown Sanders, who filed a sexual harassment suit against the Knicks and team president Isaiah Thomas what now seems like an eternity ago and issued these detailed accusations in reply to a request from the Knicks to have the courts dismiss Sanders’ initial lawsuit. The star player in question for sexing it up and shouting obscenities at Sanders is Stephon Marbury, the shoot-first, shoot-second, shoot-third, pass only if forced to at gun point guard who has brought an enormous contract, an enormous ego and little else to the team in his time with them. Thomas and the team have denied that Sanders was ever sexually harassed, although Marbury did admit to shouting the obscenity in question. If even a small part of what Sanders alleges turns out to be true, it could make the disastrously bad and salary-cap wrecking roster Thomas crafted and the dysfunctional team he’s put on the court these past few years make a lot more sense. After all, if the guy conducts himself with such little class, self-control and intelligence in the office, why would he be any better or more successful running basketball operations. Well done, Zeke, at least you’ve given me an amusing visual of a guy with one of the highest, most effeminate voices in sports committing a crime like sexual harassment………

- She can have a top single, a top-selling album and appear on as many late night shows to perform as she wants, but I’m just not down with Amy Winehouse. The whole dirty, slightly slutty, Goth-version-of-Joss-Stone vibe just doesn’t get it done, nor does the fact that the lyrics to Winehouse’s most popular song are about someone making her go to rehab for her alcohol problem. You could probably guess as much because the title of the song is Rehab (bonus points for subtlety, Winehouse) and you could guess that Winehouse appears to have an affinity for the dark and Goth-like, what with the album title being Back to Black. Still, I just don’t buy into the image and it feels like she’s trying too hard and selling the badass routine too much. Winehouse has a decent voice, but the self-loathing and continual melancholy don’t draw me in; they actually make me wonder why she’s so depressed and why I should care. At least Joss Stone manages to seem mildly happy from time to time in her music, even if it isn't all that great to listen to.

- Some things I understand the urge to bootleg and counterfeit: money, DVDs, CDs, jewelry…….but toothpaste? F’ing toothpaste? Who the heck counterfeits Colgate toothpaste? I wouldn’t have believed it, but some yahoos somewhere have done just that, because loads of bootleg Colgate have shown up in Canada. And as with any bootlegged or pirated goods, there are inherent flaws in the product and it’s of less than stellar quality. The toothpaste that has been confiscated contains dangerous bacteria, although it is not the same poisonous toxin that was found in toothpaste distributed in four states last month, including to prisons and mental hospitals in Georgia. Shipments of this new bogus toothpaste also made their way south of the U.S.-Canada border and were sold to stores in Michigan and Virginia. But let’s look on the bright side and be thankful that this time around, the offending hygiene product doesn’t contain diethylene glycol, a chemical typically found in antifreeze. The lesson for all you kids out there, as always, is that when buying black market toothpaste, always get it from a semi-reputable dealer, not some guy with his product stashed inside a giant raincoat, stationed in a back alley somewhere in the seedy part of town.