- There he is, David Beckham, leading the soccer revolution in America in that most soccer of ways, sitting on the bench because he has a boo-boo. Becks has missed his second straight game with an ouchie on his ankle, an injury I’m sure is devastating…..to a soft, Euro soccer player. Beckham has already been a ginormous disappointment and his MLS career has barely begun. This guy isn't going to change the way soccer is perceived in America because at the rate he’s going, he can’t even change the perception or performance of a crappy team in a second-rate soccer league. Have you heard anyone raving about Beckham and how exciting following Major League Soccer has become for them since his arrival? More likely, even the people who took the most interest in Beckham coming to America paid attention for all of one game then realized, like most Americans, that they don’t give a crap about the sport and that the only people who truly enjoy it are under the age of 12 and enjoy soccer because it gives them an excuse to go out and run around with their friends, drink Capri Sun and eat orange wedges. Thanks for nothing, Becks, you’ve been every bit the non-factor I knew you would be.
- Those pesky cameras stationed at bank ATM machines are there for a reason. An ATM located at a truck stop in Mansfield, La. began giving out $20 bills instead of $5 bills this week, but authorities claim they already know who took the bonus $7,000 given out by the machine and plan to track them down to recover the cash. Some people run right back to the bank when a teller or ATM gives them even a few dollars more than they were supposed to receive, while clearly some people are content to take the money and run. If that sounds like you, three words of advice: wear a disguise. Slap on the fake nose, mustache and plastic glasses, wear a wig and make sure you cover the license plate on your vehicle just in case. If you’re one of the honest few, take heart in knowing that for once in a world where the liars, thieves and crooks get away with it most of the time (sometimes they even get elected president!), this time doing the wrong thing is going to catch up with someone.
- Good news for all of my stoner readers (put down the Doritos and Cheetos, guys, I’m talking to you) - Trey Anastasio is back with a new album. Potheads worldwide have been really bummed out, dude, ever since Anastasio’s former band, Phish, called it quits. The group was famous for, um, shall we say inspiring a heavily mellow, weed-loving band of followers, so when they broke up, dude, it was bad, man. Anastasio is back with his new album, XXXXXXX, which tries to recapture to Phish vibe and succeeds for the most part, although Anastasio clearly needs to do his own thing and build his own style as well. I’ve never been a Phish fan, nor have I been a fan of being able to get a contact high from a ticket stub two weeks after a concert, but for all you pot-smoking, mellow stoner dudes out there, you’ll want to get your copy of this album ASAP.
- Being a pro football player does not necessarily mean you’re smart. In fact, it often appears to mean that your skills lie solely on the football field and don’t extend to the more, shall we say cerebral parts of life. Take former players and future hall of famers Emmitt Smith and Deion Sanders, two men who were legendary on the field and are now saying legendarily stupid things off of it. Both have tried feeble attempts at rallying to the defense of embattled Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick as he faces mounting federal charges related to a dogfighting ring he and three friends allegedly ran in Virginia. Smith was the first to stick his foot in his mouth, first insisting that the feds were only going after Vick because he’s the “big dog” in the case and they want to attack him to put pressure on those who are really behind the criminal activity, or so Smith theorizes. Emmitt then went on to say that it’s no big deal even if Vick has attended one, five, ten or even twenty dog fights and bet on the events. How magnanimous of you, E., to absolve Mike Vick of blame for some of the most heinous, reprehensible and disgusting acts that most of us have ever heard of. I didn’t even know that was within your power to grant that kind of pardon, so thanks. Then you have Deion, who tried to make an excuse that maybe it’s ok for Vick to be involved in this mess because he wanted to prove he had the biggest, baddest dog on the block, so to speak, and that perhaps Vick, being a pro athlete, identified with those tough dogs and being the top dog. The delicious irony is that both of these guys are paid football analysyts for major TV networks, although I have to second the thoughts of Sports Illustrated writer Peter King when he says that the suits at ESPN must be seriously wondering if they made a terrible mistake in hiring Smith. He’ll have to do better than these moronic comments, otherwise he’ll end up being just as bad and just as unwatchable an analyst as his former Cowboys’ teammate and ex-ESPN analyst Michael “Terrell Owens’ Stool Pigeon” Irvin.
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