- U.S.A!! U.S.A.!!! Say it loud, say it proud America, the champion of chowing down, the gargantuan of gluttony, the king of competitive eating now resides in our great nation. Joey Chesnut did something that is all at once amazing, revolting, beautiful and disgusting, downing 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes to claim the title of World Hot Dog Eating champion. Chesnut defeated nemesis Takeru Kobayashi and set a new world record in the process, eating more hot dogs in one-fifth of an hour than I’ll eat in the rest of my life if I’m fortunate. As the champion, Chesnut receives the Nathan’s Mustard Yellow belt, and I’m not ashamed to tell you that as that belt was held aloft over Chesnut’s head and he was announced as the new champion, there was a tear of pride in my eye. That pride went nicely with the absolute gut-busting laughter I engaged in when the participants for the contest were announced. You have all of these jokers who come from all over the country, work normal jobs and presumably have reasonably normal lives, but they’re being introduced like they’re heavyweight fighters entering the ring for a title bout. They have on all sorts of swag, robes, hats, shades, and there’s some dude pulling magic handkerchiefs out of his mouth, one after the other, then there’s the self-glossing nicknames they’ve bestowed upon themselves and the absurdly disgusting food items that these sick freaks have won contests for eating, it’s all uber-hilarious. Seriously, where else could your name be announced along with the notation that you hold the world record for eating pig’s feet, Rocky Mountain Oysters, mayonnaise or butter and a massive crowd cheers raucously? Congrats to Joey Chesnut for doing the impossible and defeating a legend, and a sweet farewell to T. Kobayashi as the biggest eater in the world. For all the rest of the freak jobs in this contest……..well, here’s hoping I don’t ever sit down in a restaurant at a table near any of you.
- From star of the winning team in the Super Bowl to making a cash grab to play for the worst team in the NFL to being suspended for four games from that worst NFL team because you couldn’t behave yourself in the offseason: It’s the story of running back Dominic Rhodes. Rhodes was a member of the two-headed running back monster that helped propel the Indianapolis Colts to a victory in Super Bowl XLII, then he bolted as a free agent to sign with the Oakland Raiders, the worst franchise in the league. I’m sure Rhodes would argue that it wasn’t about the money, which means that of course, it was all about the money. Oakland gave him big bucks and he jumped at their offer. Everything was going really well……..until the NFL announced yesterday that Rhodes has been dinged with a four-game suspension for an undisclosed violation of the NFL’s substance-abuse policy. The league doesn’t announce what specific substance a player used, so there’s no way to know for sure what caused the suspension - well, unless you assume that it’s related to the incident in March where Rhodes pleaded guilty to reckless driving charges in Indiana after prosecutors agreed to drop drunken driving charges against him. I’m not a financial advisor or investment expert, but I’d have to say that so far, the Raiders aren't getting a very good return on the investment they made in Dominic Rhodes. You bring a guy in the help revitalize your running game and he can’t even stay in his shoes long enough to avoid being suspended for a quarter of the season two months before it even begins. Maybe you didn’t know, Dom, maybe you hadn't heard - there’s a new sheriff in the NFL and his name is Roger Goodell. His justice is swift and severe and if you f’up, he’ll bring the sword of vengeance down on your ass in less time than it takes you to blink. Take your punishment, keep your mouth shut and stop driving drunk, or else you aren't going to have much of a future in this league.
- Ironically, after a story about wayward NFL players, we come to a story about Tasers. Those two things are irrevocably tied together, so for that reason I’m going to suggest that the robots you’re about to read about will inevitably come into contact with one or fifty NFL players within the next three or four years. iRobot Corp., a manufacturer of robots used extensively by the U.S. military, has added Tasers to robots it already makes for military use, and the company says it hopes to give soldiers and law enforcement a defensive, non-lethal tool. Critics claim the Taser-armed ‘bots are just one more step toward having robots able to kill and also make decisions about when to use lethal force, but I like to see a silver lining in all of this. Let’s say you have an unruly, drunk NFL player out on South Beach and your nearest uniformed officer is a 5’2, 110-pound rookie female cop. Instead of forcing that officer have to face off with a belligerent, intoxicated, 305-pound lineman, just send in the Taser-bot to take care of business. Actually, the city of Cincinnati might want to go ahead and pre-order about five dozen of these robots, because with the Bengals set to kick of their season soon, the Cincinnati police need all the extra help they can get.
- I’d like to personally thank Venus Williams for single-handedly ruining Wimbledon for me this year. Maybe you’re asking, “How can she ruin the entire tournament for you, she’s playing good, exciting tennis and winning?” Allow me to answer in four words that will send a wave of sadness and depression over every male ages 18-49 in America: She beat Maria Sharapova. For your average guy, Sharapova is more than enough reason to have an interest in women’s tennis, what with her being a 6’2, smoking hot blonde that you don’t mind watching run around the tennis court for a couple of hours. Furthermore, she recently made it known that one of her life goals is to be a Bond girl, i.e. to fill a film role that is a favorite of any guy to ever watch a 007 movie. Actually, if you’re not familiar with Maria, allow me to pause so you can go ahead and head on over to Google Images and find out what I’m talking about……………………………………OK, now you see my point? Thanks to V. Williams ousting the lovely Ms. Sharapova in the freaking quarterfinals of Wimbledon, I now have zero reasons to watch the remainder of the tournament. Way to ruin what should have been a great run to the finals, Venus, you’re now #1 on my list of most despised athletes, edging ahead of Roger “Pocket Rocket” Clemens…….well, until the next time he pitches and I have to see his fat, ugly, bloated, arrogant face splashed all over my TV screen.
- Relying on the House of Representatives when a crucial decision hangs in the balance for our nation doesn’t exactly fill me with hope. Yet I’m forced to hang my hopes on this collection of 435 self-important, self-serving, wasteful, dishonest scumbags as they wage a battle against an even bigger tool, W., as he tries to continue his administration’s disturbing trend of being power hungry and trying to override, ignore or blatantly flout the rules and laws by which our nation is supposed to operate. When it’s not VP/Vice Lord/Master of Darkness Dick Cheney claiming that he is part of both the executive and legislative branches and a part of neither at the same time, it’s W. trying to grab even more undeserved and unneeded power by giving an obscure White House office authority over regulations affecting health, worker safety and the environment. In other words, W. wants to bestow that authority on a mysterious, dark-corner office within his control. Yes, the same president who basically refuses to admit that global warming exists and pressured scientists to change their findings on the issue wants to have an office under his heavy hand of influence as an arbiter on all things environmental. The Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs would be the recipient of this oh, so generous gift, unless of course the House succeeds in shutting down W.’s power play. The House measure designed to halt this despicable and offensive power grab by W. “stops this president or any president from seizing the power to re-write almost every law that Congress passes, laws that protect public health, the environment, safety, civil rights, privacy and on and on,” stated Rep. Brad Miller, D-N.C., the bill’s sponsor. Yes, folks, this president is so bad that Congress is being forced to enact measures to prevent him from totally f’ing up our country on a permanent basis. On a side note, the guy making this move to seize power he doesn’t need or deserve is the same one currently using some of the power he has to commute the sentence of a convicted criminal he used to employ, Scooter Libby, and possibly give this crook a full pardon! Yes, W. is simply not content with the lead he has in the race for the worst president ever, so in his remaining time in office he’s looking to pad that lead as much as possible.
- I can totally sympathize with Sajani Shakya, a 10-year-old Nepalese girl who suffered quite a heavy loss over the weekend. It seems young Sajani is one of several “Kumaris,” or living goddesses in the small Asian nation - at least she was until an ill-fated trip abroad led to her being stripped of her lofty title. Sajani traveled overseas to promote a documentary about the ancient Kumari tradition in Nepal and lost her title as a goddess because of breaking that very same tradition by leaving the country. As one of the kingdom’s top three living deities, Sajani is subject to restrictions that don’t allow her to leave Nepal (I don’t make this stuff up, even if it sounds bizarre, I just tell it like it is). Now she has been stripped of her title and I’m sure she must be devastated. One question, though: If you’re a freaking living goddess, how can anyone strip you of your title? You’re the freaking deity, so how can a human being take it from you, especially if you’re one of the top three living goddesses? Can’t you just strike someone down if they try to take your title away? Sorry for your bad fortune, Sajani, but if it helps, you’re still at the top of the list for me when it comes to alleged living goddesses in obscure Nepalese kingdoms.
No comments:
Post a Comment