- Speaking on behalf of all guys who grew up in the late ‘80s and ‘90s, I want to extend a sincere thank you to NurtiSystem. Up until now, the commercials featuring various past-their-prime athletes and actors extolling the virtues of various weight-loss programs have been alternately creepy, annoying and just plain hokey. However, when I saw the commercial featuring former Boy Meets World babe Danielle Fischel (better known as Topanga), I was pumped. For any guy who grew up watching that show, Fischel was definitely someone you crushed on at some point. Problem is, even back then, she wasn’t the most svelte girl around. She was on TV and she was still pretty cute, but she wasn’t thin by any stretch of the imagination. Thing is, if you can keep control of your weight and physique at that point in your life, in your teens and twenties, that doesn’t bode well for you. You should be at your physical peak at that point, with your metabolism as high as it’s going to be, so that’s your best shot to be in great shape. So it wasn’t a major stunner when, post-Boy Meets World, Fischel packed on the pounds in a hurry. Unless you made a point of looking for her, you didn’t see her on TV or in movies. Following that sabbatical from the public eye, you can imagine how great it was to see her show up on a NutriSystem commercial recently, in no small part due to the fact that she looks better now than she ever has. She even has her own quasi-Baywatch moment, jogging in a revealing bikini on the beach, showing off her new body and bringing back some great memories for all the Topanga fans out there. Even if this is just a temporary fix and D. Fischel eventually swells back up to a portly size, I’m grateful to her and NutriSystem for giving her one shining (and thin) moment in the sun.
- Clearly, the four founders of Bad Newz Kennels are a tight group, bound by an unbreakable oath and a closeness that cannot be measured or described in mere words. Well, until one of them is offered a plea deal by the feds and rolls on the other three to save his own ass. The rat in question would be Tony Taylor, one of the four defendants in the federal dogfighting case that centers on Atlanta Falcons quarterback Mike Vick. Taylor was cited in the original indictment as the person responsible for scouting the Virginia property used for the dogfighting operation, constructing many of the buildings on the property and being a leader in the effort to kill dogs who either wouldn’t fight or lost their fight. Now, Taylor has rolled on his three co-defendants and struck a plea deal with the feds, with his sentencing not until December. I’m sure that sentencing will hinge largely on how effective he is at helping the government build its case against the other three defendants and in testifying at their trial, set to begin Nov. 26. Obviously this is “Bad Newz” for Vick, because the charges against him focus mainly on conspiracy to create a gambling endeavor across state lines and conspiracy to engage in animal fighting and in such cases, each person charged is held responsible for the group’s actions as a whole and the crimes of one are the crimes of all. Thus, with Taylor admitting to what he’s been charged with and implicating Vick and the others, that casts a pretty damning shadow on their protestations of innocence. Surely Vick’s attorneys and the attorneys for the other two men will attack Taylor’s credibility and the credibility of the other four main witnesses in the case, but even if they prove that the witnesses are bad people and stand to benefit from testifying (at least in Taylor’s case), that doesn’t mean they’re not telling the truth. Unfortunately for Vick, there isn’t going to be a plea deal coming for him, partially because he maintains his innocence by mostly because he’s the one the feds are after and they’re not about to cut him any breaks. If I’m Mike Vick right now, I’m doing everything I can to enjoy these next few months of freedom because the chances that he’s going to prison seem to increase exponentially by the day.
- In a development that should surprise exactly no one, The Simpsons Movie was the big winner at the box office this weekend, raking in $71.8 million and outdistancing second-place finisher I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry by nearly $53 million. I’m the first to admit that I am not now, nor have I ever been, down with the whole Simpsons phenomenon. I just don’t find it funny to watch an animated, adult-oriented cartoon with lowest-common-denominator humor, but despite all of that, I’m glad to see any movie at all out-earn the debacle of a picture that Chuck and Larry is. A ginormous collection of gay jokes and Jessica Biel as the token eye candy doesn’t make a worthwhile movie, so props to any film that takes that movie off the top of the earnings list. And yes, I know that I might be one of the 0.7 percent of Americans who aren’t down with the Simpson phenomenon, but I’m OK with that, so don’t waste your time or energy trying to convince me that I need to get on board with it.
- Is anyone else looking forward to a potential perjury investigation of Alberto Gonzales as much as I am? This investigation would be the ultimate slam-dunk, akin to investigating Jose Canseco for steroids, Isaiah Knight for racial insensitivity or Willie Nelson for drug use. The true problem facing Congress should it choose to investigate ol’ Alberto for perjury wont be finding acts of perjury he’s committed; it will be deciding which act of perjury to investigate first. “This is going to have a devastating effect on law enforcement throughout the country if it’s not cleared up,” warned Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt. and the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee. What, you mean having the highest-ranking member of the legal system in our country blatantly ignoring the law, acting illegally and then lying about it to Congress and the American public might be bad for law enforcement? It should be interesting to see how the W. administration tries to get Gonzales out of this mess, because I don’t think the same “I am a member of both the legislative and executive branches and also a member of neither branch at the same time,” excuse that Vice Lord Dick “Shotgun Blast to a Friend’s Face” Cheney used in refusing to turn over documents demanded by the national archives.
- Speaking of Jose Canseco……he might be a scumbag, he might be a lowlife and he might be a publicity seeking, attention-grabbing tool, but that doesn’t necessarily discredit what he has to say about steroid use in Major League Baseball. Two years ago Canseco wrote Juiced, a book about baseball’s steroids culture that led to Congressional hearings, the public excoriating of Mark McGwire and the outing of guys like Ivan Rodriguez and Rafael Palmeiro as alleged roid’ users. Now Canseco has apparently burned through his savings and needs more money and/or more attention, because in a recent interview with a Boston radio station, he hinted at the fact that he’s sitting on more material that could be used in a second book, this time containing “stuff” about New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez. Canseco was squirrelly and evasive when asked if that “stuff” was steroid-related, but I doubt it is. I’m not casting aspersions on the validity of whatever Canseco is alleging; I’m simply saying I don’t believe it has anything to do with steroids. If he had that kind of information, it would have come out long before now and he wouldn’t be waiting for a second book that he doesn’t even have a publishing deal for to reveal it. Based on the fact that large chunks of what he claimed in his first book bore out to be true (some parts were total falsehoods and have never been substantiated, so bear that in mind), I think you have to consider what Jose has to say if and when this second book is published. At that point you can weigh what he says and decide if you believe him, but the fact that he was right about many details in the first book buy him, in my mind, a modicum of credibility and the right to be heard if and when he speaks out again.
- Having never performed an exorcism on a family member or even been inspired to attempt to perform an exorcism on a family member, I can’t exactly wrap my head around what Ronald Marquez was thinking, but I’ll give it a shot. Marquez, 49, was attempting to perform an exorcism on his 3-year-old granddaughter at the family’s Phoenix home when a concerned relative called police. The police showed up, scuffled with Marquez and ultimately had to use stun guns to subdue this maniac, who was literally choking the life out of the toddler as part of the exorcism. After the Taser blasts, Marquez released his hold on the child but then stopped breathing. He could not be revived and was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. The family member who called police said Marquez had also attempted an exorcism on the child on Thursday, so clearly he was bent on getting this thing done. As for wrapping my head around what he was thinking and what went on here, here goes: Ronald Marquez was insane. I thought only crazy characters in poorly made horror movies became convinced that a young child was possessed and tried to choke the evil out of them. Maybe Marquez saw The Omen one too many times, maybe he’s always been insane, but there is no logical or sane explanation for choking a 3-year-old almost to death because you believe they are possessed by demons. Even if you do believe in people being possessed by evil spirits, are you telling me there was no priest or minister you could call to do a normal, conventional exorcism? I’m not up on the proper procedure for those events, but I feel safe in stating that choking someone to death is not part of the protocol.
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