- Not to be outdone by the NFL in controversy, the NBA finds itself in the middle of its own major scandal this week. But as difficult as this may be to believe, the scandal now facing the NBA may be more damaging to the sport as a whole than the dogfighting allegations surrounding Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. The indictment against Vick could completely destroy his career if he’s convicted, but the allegations of fixing games leveled at former NBA referee Tim Donaghy could land a devastating blow to the NBA at large. The FBI is investigating reports that Donaghy, a 13-year-veteran who recently resigned from the league, helped shave points and fix games in order to pay off gambling debts he owed to bookies. The findings came in the midst of a New Jersey-based investigation into organized crime. The reason this is such a big story is obvious: if you have a referee who is responsible for officiating games and whose judgments and actions regulate games and directly, powerfully impact the outcome of those games and that referee is corrupt and is acting under the influence of gamblers, the integrity of the game is greatly compromised. We watch games because the outcome is not predetermined and we want to see who wins based on skill. If you have a referee (or player) not doing their best or blowing calls or plays because they have to settle a gambling debt, then the legitimacy of your sport is called into question. Donaghy worked more than 60 games this year, including several playoff games, so he could definitely have impacted games in a big way. The NBA will surely face pressure to not only comply with the FBI investigation, but also to conduct an internal investigation of its own to make sure that this is an isolated incident and not a widespread epidemic. The league should accede to that pressure and do its own fact-finding, because if it ever comes out that three, four or five referees were in on this, the entire league will be in a crisis it may not ever fully recover from.
- In case you were wondering, yesterday was the easiest day in the history of mankind to identify the 40-year-old virgin losers in your town. They would have been the ones lined up outside the nearest bookstore, dressed full-out in Harry Potter costumes. Before you Potter-heads get all riled up, realize I’m not saying that reading and liking HP books and movies makes you a loser if you’re over the age of 12 (well I might think that, but……..). What I am saying is that if you waited outside a bookstore late at night, waiting for midnight, clad in the costume of one of the wizards, goblins, sorcerers, whatever there characters are, from the movie and you’re not a child, then you are a LOSER. It’s no different than the pasty, lifeless freak jobs who dress up in Star Wars gear and camp outside the theater any time a new Star Wars movie comes out. I can't blame kids too much because they’re kids and the book is targeted at them. Even adults who wanted to buy the book aren't that bad, it’s just the losers who are 45-year-old accountants by day, yet there they are with makeup, a mask and a wizard outfit outside the store, ready to stampede anyone in their way to get a copy of the new Harry Potter book. Still, a bigger loser exists than even these people - the tool who managed to get his or her hands on a copy of the book prior to its release and took the time to scan in copies of all 700-plus pages into their computer and post it online to spoil the ending for everyone else. That doesn’t make you cool, clever or a rebel; it makes you a ginormous tool who was deliberately mean to a group that includes millions of small children. Way to go, loser, hope that was worth it.
- Oh Iraqi government, you do so disappoint me. Well, not really. I don’t expect anything of you anyhow, and when you don’t have any expectations of someone, it’s impossible to be disappointed. When the Iraqi government announces that its military forces won't be able to take full control of the country by the end of the year, exactly zero people are surprised. When a governmental advisor gives no time table for when U.S. troops may be able to withdraw, even less people are surprised. Were America governed by an intelligent, capable, competent leader, our response (well, if that leader was in place we wouldn’t have been in Iraq in the first place, but play along nonetheless) would be a giant middle finger to Iraq as we pull each and every last one of our troops out and say, “Too bad, this is your mess to deal with, not ours.” Mouwaffak al-Rubaie, a national security advisor for the Iraqi government, refused to give any some of timeline for when Iraq might actually have the wherewithal to govern itself and run its own country, so clearly these guys have been influenced by W. far too much. They refuse to set any schedules, refuse to tell the truth and refuse to take responsibility for their own mess. Next thing you know, these guys will start continually butchering the names of foreign leaders and try to buy a Major League Baseball team……….
- St. Louisianans, you’re about to miss a golden opportunity thanks to your mayor. Mayor Francis Slay has rejected a proposal to make Sept. 2 “Ike Turner Day.” Turner will be performing at the Big Muddy Blues Festival in St. Louis on that day and it could’ve been a truly wonderful day for all citizens of the city. You could have passed out free wife beaters to everyone, lifted all laws against domestic violence and passed out a free dime bag to everyone attending the festival. All over St. Louis, boyfriends and husbands could have been beating and abusing their girlfriends and wives, using drugs and generally creating mayhem. Now to be fair, Ike Turner disputes that portrayal of his character, as shown in What’s Love Got to Do With It, a 1993 movie depicting the life of dancing, warbling, offensively bad singer Tina Turner. Ike would prefer that you remember him as a frequent performer at blues and jazz clubs in and around St. Louis. Sorry Ike, but I and millions of Americans will always think fondly of you when we hear the words domestic abuse and your name will continue to be the first on our tongues whenever we need to crack a quick, snappy domestic violence joke.
- Life is not going so well for Scott Olsen. The Florida Marlins pitcher had just come back from a team-imposed two-game suspension for insubordination and gotten a win by going seven innings and giving up only two runs, but his day was about to take a serious turn for the worse. Later in the night, Olsen was pulled over by the police because he was driving erratically. Instead of complying with the directions of the officer on the scene and taking his punishment, Olsen decided that he was going to resist. He got physical with the officers while they were attempting to arrest him and attempted to flee, with predictable results – charges of driving under the influence, resisting an officer with violence and fleeing and eluding a police officer. The only thing missing is a good Taser blast – oh wait, we did have a Taser blast? Sweet! A big salute to Scott Olsen for taking the smart route in this situation. When pulled over by the police for driving drunk, it’s always best to be as rude and belligerent as possible and to try to get away in your inebriated state. Because of course your chances for escape are so high and cops are always verrrry forgiving when you assault them and try to get away. That type of behavior never upsets them and it never leads to additional charges against you. Scotty, you need to realize very quickly that no matter how much talent you have on the baseball field, if you don’t stop acting like a complete ass clown off of it you’re going to quickly go the way of Denny McLain and Doc Gooden - amazing baseball talents who ended up spending more time behind bars than in the big leagues because they couldn’t get a hold on themselves.
- I’m ecstatic to have a protest/riot story to share, this one coming to us from the Bolivian capital of La Paz. Hundreds of thousands of Bolivians took to the city’s streets to protest a proposed move of the country’s capital from La Paz to Sucre. It is one of the largest demonstrations in the country’s history, which scores the protestors major points. However, there are no reports of any looting, rioting, burning or overturning of cars or smashing of storefront windows, so I have to deduct a few points there. If no hostages are taken and no major structural damage is done, how are the powers that be going to remember that you were there, protestors? Leave damage, destruction and the smoldering remains of buildings and automobiles and let them cry out as a testament to your rage and disdain.
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