Mark McGrath is desperate, protestors are desperate to end the Iraq debacle and W. is desperately stupid

- Isn't it about time that we set up some sort of shift schedule for the Iraq war protests in Washington? There seems to be a protest or two going on at all times, and God knows that there are enough pissed off people with enough valid reasons to march and demonstrate against this abomination, so can't we just divvy this thing up, maybe go on some sort of bi-weekly rotation or something? The latest protest took place Saturday, with an estimated 10,000 to 20,000 demonstrators marching to denounce the war on the fourth anniversary of our ill-fated invasion of a country we had no reason to invade. Also, it was the 40th anniversary of a massive protest against the Vietnam War, so those two dates dovetailed nicely. Ironically, the war in Iraq is pretty much W.’s version of what ‘Nam was for Nixon. You could even pull out old protest signs and materials from 1967, replace Vietnam with Iraq, replace Nixon with Bush and you’re good to go. The protest march passed by Arlington National Cemetery and ended at the Pentagon, even as near-freezing temperatures made for a miserable afternoon. Where was our brainless leader during all of this, you ask? Oh, W. was away for the weekend at Camp David, probably trying to work his way through the final few pages of the most recent Curious George book.

- Mark McGrath’s predictable downward spiral has hit its next low point. The former frontman of Sugar Ray, one of the most absurdly stupid acts in bubble gum pop music, has now landed a role of some sort on the reality debacle from the Pussycat Skanks, The Search for the Next Doll/Skank. When I read the news, I can't say as I was surprised, because McGrath has been on the way down every since he first appeared in the public eye. Sugar Ray was a sorry excuse for a pop band with no depth, no musical talent and little more than a ploy to appeal to teenage girls as the “rock” band for them. However, when you appear as a live musical act in a movie with Matthew Lillard and Freddie Prinze Jr. (Scooby Doo: The Movie), that’s a clear sign that any legitimacy you had as a musician is gone. Now, McGrath has leeched on at the lowest rung on the musical ladder, a group of dancing bimbos who couldn’t write lyrics better than those heard on your average Barney the Dinosaur sing-along video. I look forward to your appearance on The Surreal Life 14 with Britney Spears and Sammy Sosa, Marky.

- Yet another thing I saw coming: Michael Mankaymer, 35, jumped off of a cruise chip near Miami and was rescued by the Coast Guard abut eight hours later. Of course Mankaymer jumped off the Carnival Glory ship, he, like me, knew he was far safer in the open waters of the Atlantic than on a disease-ridden death trap that is your average cruise ship. In the ocean, he would be safe from Norovirus and all the other viruses and food poisoning illnesses that seem to best passengers on every single cruise ship that has ever set sail. I’m willing to beat that Mankaymer’s wife or girlfriend dragged him onto the cruise and he was merely taking his shot to escape before he became stricken with some sort of terrible illness. The true question here is why more cruise ship passengers don’t jump overboard. Even if there are sharks and you might be at the mercy of the tides and the hot, harmful rays of the sun with no cover to shield you, are your chances really that much worse than if you stay aboard the ship? Mankaymer’s first words once aboard the cruise ship were, I am told, “Whatever you do, just don’t take me back to that cruise ship. Lock me up, take me to a hospital, just don’t send me back to that breeding ground for viruses and food poisoning.”

- Like Mark McGrath and his former band, Sugar Ray, another group that has made its reputation by appealing mostly to girls ages 13-17 is a group hailing from my neck of the woods, Canton, Ohio, Relient K. The boys of Relient K, whose composition is ever changing (only two of the original four remain), are out with a new album, Five Score and Seven Years Ago. I can't say as there’s anything that bad about this album, but I also can't say that there’s anything especially good, either. One thing missing are the normally wacky, off-the-wall song titles and goofy subject matter you can always find at least once or twice on your average Relient album. Still, the free-and-easy punk rockin’ is there, without a lot of depth and with lyrics that don’t offer much in the way of subtlety. Come Right Out and Say It and Devastation and Reform are prototypical Relient K songs, and most of the album is radio-friendly. As with the five previous albums from the group, it’s good listening, but it doesn’t show any development or advancement of Relient K musically. It’s the same old same old, which will of course be just fine with the aforementioned teen chick demographic that the group garners most of its support from. To sum it up, it’s an album that you’d enjoy listening to if you had it and wouldn’t get tired of, but it’s also an album you’d have a hard time convincing yourself to spend the money to purchase.

- For the second time in as many days, I’m here to bring you news about a teacher-student sex scandal. Not so long ago, the Mary Kay Laternau scandal was a big deal in the country, but now sex scandals between teachers and their students are more common than stories of Britney Spears rehab stints and Pacman Jones run-ins with police. This story comes by way of Wilmington, Del., where a sixth-grade science teacher has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for getting after it with one of her 13-year-old students. Rachel L. Holt, 35, was convicted of second degree rape for having sex with the unidentified boy, who I’m sure won't have any long-term consequences, mentally and emotionally, from this. Sure, for the next few weeks he’ll be a hero with his fellow 13 and 14-year-old buddies, but I’m guessing that down the road, this whole affair (pun intended) will cause some serious issues for this kid. Maybe it’s just me, but if you’re desperate enough that even sex with a 13-year-old student of yours is acceptable, then you are no longer fit to be teaching anywhere or to be anywhere other than a psych ward or prison, which conveniently enough is where Ward is now headed.

$532 billion in mistakes, plus more teachers who can't keep their hands to themselves

- After watching nearly every minute of coverage on CBS for the NCAA Tournament’s first two rounds, three disturbing trends have come to the forefront. First, the strategy of fouling to extend the game has gotten out of hand. The practice has grown much more common in recent years, with a team on the losing end of the score intentionally fouling the other team, sending the leading team to the free throw line. The hope is simply for the team in the lead to miss it’s free throws and for the trailing team to get the ball back quickly and make their own shots to catch up. Unfortunately, things have gotten a little absurd…..OK, they’ve gotten extremely absurd. Now you have teams down by 17-18 points or so with less than a minute to go, still fouling. The clock ticks down under 20 seconds, they trail by 14 points, yet they foul away. Look, losing team coaches, we all get that you don’t like to lose and don’t want to admit defeat, but this is taking that to the insane extreme. You are no longer brave, courageous and fighting til the bitter end; you are instead pathetic, stupid and prolonging a game that is O-V-E-R to the extent that every fan in the arena, both your fans and the other team’s fans, are openly booing every idiotic foul. Give it up, because you’re turning games into two and a half hour monstrosities. My second beef is with coaches who take last names off of the back of your team’s jerseys in some misguided attempt to show team unity and togetherness. This is as hokey as it sounds, turning every player into an anonymous part of the whole, as if you are bringing everyone together and solving every team chemistry issue with that. Plain and simple, it’s a cheap, gimmicky trick that doesn’t do a darn thing to help your team win. Lastly, I am completely appalled that the concept of defense has essentially been boiled down to a player getting beat to the basket by the man he’s guarding, and one of the defender’s teammates trying to slide in and take the charge. There’s an attempt to take a charge, or more accurately a flop by a defender, on nearly every play so far in the tournament.

- What might you do with an extra $532 billion lying around? It’s an intriguing question, and one we as Americans could actually be considering if the ass hat in charge of our nation, W., hadn’t started and sustained the indefensible, idiotic war in Iraq. Estimates of the cost for the war show that between 2003 and 2008 (projected out, obviously), that $532 billion is the expected amount of appropriations and funds requested for the war effort. Better yet, more than 3,200 U.S. troops have been killed in Iraq, a staggering total that’s even worse than the massive financial hit. This could be crazy talk, but couldn’t $532 billion help fix a whole lot of roads, help thousands of displaced and decimated families in the Gulf Coast region rebuild after Katrina and provide a whole lot of help for a Social Security system that is struggling badly and seems headed for disaster? Aren't those immediate needs within our own borders far more important than some unnecessary war with no point, no relevant purpose (as far as Americans are concerned) and no end in sight? Thanks for wasting hundreds of billions of dollars on this, W., this alone is reason for the next ten generations of Americans to retroactively hate you and to look back on yours as the single worst presidency in American history. You suck.

- Ever question how sanitary and safe that cafeteria food at your elementary, junior high or high school is? Or maybe it’s your kids who are now subjected to the questionable edibility of macaroni and meat, Salisbury steak and vegetable medleys. Regardless, it has to be disturbing to find out that an average of one in 10 schools don’t receive the bi-annual health inspections mandated by Congress in order to prevent food poisoning. It is stunning, I know, that people do not comply with what Congress orders, especially since the federal government itself has failed to meet energy specifications set for appliances and other utility products despite 34 different deadlines being set in the past few years. One of the common violations that go overlooked in cafeterias that do not receive proper inspections is storing food at incorrect temperatures, which I’m sure isn't a problem either. Those meat-like products America’s children are served certainly can't spoil if they’re kept at the wrong temperature, can they? Oops, maybe they can…..and while you’re chewing on that thought, know that not only are 10 percent of school cafeterias not inspected at all, another 29 percent receive only one inspection per year, not the mandated two. Yup, we’ve got us another prime example of governmental efficiency and effectiveness at its best.

- Teacher-student hook ups are becoming more and more common, but two sex scandals popping up on the same day, with one ending in a fatality is excessive. The fatality came in Knoxville, Tenn., where an 18-year-old who was having an affair with his married, 30-year-old teacher was fatally shot at that teacher’s home with the husband of the teacher the prime suspect. Yeah, I’d imagine coming home to find your wife getting at it with one of her students would be upsetting, but pulling a gun and shooting the guy? You go that route and what you’re saying is, “Hey, I’d rather spend the rest of my life in prison than hire a divorce lawyer, give my wife the boot and go about building a new life.” Not the wisest option, even in the heat of the moment. Terrible as it is, that story doesn’t turn my stomach as much as this next one does. A first-grade teacher in Salt Lake City, Frank L. Hall, 36, has been charged with sexually abusing three students inside his classroom. Ironically, Hall was honored last year as one of the best teachers in Utah. This would be a bizarre turn, except late last year, a Pennsylvania teacher who won an award as the top teacher in her state was convicted of having sex with and providing alcohol for a male student. Still, it’s a lot less perverted than Hall’s offense, because anyone who would sexually abuse six-year-olds is just a vile, reprehensible person. I’m sure your future fellow inmates will take verrrrry kindly to you once they learn you’re a child molester, Frank. Something tells me you just might find out how those students you (allegedly) molested felt once you’ve spent some time behind bars.

Terrorists protect bananas, sleep-drivers are on the loose and a warning for March Madness gravy trainers

- If you want to be totally technical about it, then I suppose you can make a mildly convincing claim that Chiquita Brands International did something kinda sorta a little bit wrong in paying a Colombian terrorist group for protection of the company’s farmlands in a volatile region of the South American nation. I, however, choose to take a different view of the situation. The incredible $25 million fine being assessed by the U.S. Justice Department seems extremely high, because if you look at it this way, it doesn’t seem like such an egregious sin: in recent months tomatoes, spinach, lettuce, cantaloupes, mushrooms and spinach have been recalled for bearing dangerous bacteria and illness-causing agents like E. coli. But have you heard of any such offense from bananas? No. Now I’m not saying for sure that the protection from the terrorist group helps Chiquita stay pollutant and bacteria free, but if having their fields and orchards protected by some leftist terror group allows Chiquita’s people to focus on making their products safe and free of E. coli, then I might allow them a little more leeway. We’ve got enough illness-causing food on the market, slowly we are running out of fruits and veggies that are actually safe to eat.

- Ain’t smoking great? Besides being a deadly killer for both smokers and the unfortunate victims upon whom smokers foist their secondhand smoke and being a vile addiction that millions of people are unable to shake, now smoking is causing fires and explosions. An adult care home in Raleigh, N.C. was smoking near oxygen tanks (always a super idea, assuming you know nothing at all about chemistry and physics and what happens when you mix pure oxygen and an open flame) and caused three explosions and a massive fire that left one person dead and 20 others injured. Super, just super……you make a product that’s so addictive that people are willing to use it in a setting where it can cause massive explosions and fires and result in the death of an innocent bystander. The tobacco industry is the most worthless and vile industry we have in America, and if they were shut down and permanently banned tomorrow, America would be a better place for it.

- This could be a problem: the Food and Drug Administration warned Wednesday that all prescription sleeping pills could sometimes cause sleep-driving, a fact that isn't at all alarming considering that millions of people nationwide are on these drugs. Makers of the 13 prescription insomnia pills currently on the market will have to put warning labels on their packages alerting consumers to this danger, but how many people really read the fine print? Ironically, though, I’m debating whether people driving while asleep would actually make out nation’s highways any less safe, considering how some of the ass hats on the road drive when they are awake. If you’re drinking your uber-hot coffee, talking on your cell phone, steering with one hand and trying to apply makeup or fix your hair with your other hand, is being asleep really that much worse? This sleep-driver phenomenon is just one more danger on an already too-long list of road hazards, and maybe not cause for as much alarm as you might think.

- A brief human rights rant: an Illinois couple is pissed, claiming that the state’s ban on the arcane practice of administering shock treatments to certain mental patients is harmful to their son. To be fair, their son is 48-year-old Bradley Bernstein, who suffers from autism, and they say an electronic cattle prod (yikes!) is all that keeps him from having fits and seizures and harming himself. I’m not a doctor, but I’ll play one here: there has to be something more humane and less crude than a cattle prod to treat your son. Autism is a scary and difficult disorder, but I can't bring myself to get behind the use of a cattle prod for any treatment of any sort. There’s a reason it’s called a “cattle” prod and not a “human” prod, people…………

- My love for March Madness is matched by my utter disdain for all of the cutesy name ripoff attempts made by businesses, networks and pretty much any other entity trying to sell or promote something during the NCAA Tournament. These March Madness Knockoffs, as I have labeled them, include gems like “Mattress Mania”, “Mazda Mania,” and one especially moronic term created by the boss at a place I used to work, “Banquet Madness” (to promote uber-boring, all-too-frequent banquets used as fund raisers). People who use these terms think they are being funny and creative, and I stress think. What they are is disingenuous, idiotic, unoriginal and ass hats. If what you’re doing has nothing to do with basketball and is, especially in the case of those banquets, not exciting, not interesting and not something I want to be anywhere near, then don’t try to gravy train on the popularity of the best event in all of sports through some ham-handedly crafted name for your event that not-so-cleverly tries to play on the name of March Madness. You look like even more of a jabroni than you already are, so if you’re thinking about going this route, do us all a favor….don’t.

Billy Packer - you are an ASS, with extra emphasis on the ASS portion of the word

- My feelings about CBS basketball announcer Billy Packer are one of the more clearly delineated things in my life: Billy Packer is a pompous ass, plain and simple. As such, when something moronic comes flying out of his pie hole on-air, I reserve the right to catalogue it and skewer him for it. Today’s NCAA Tournament broadcasts provided two prime examples of Packer being an idiot, and they are as follows: 1) during the UNLV-Georgia Tech game, Packer commented about UNLV forward Wendell White, “Willie White needs to come back now and expose himself.” I think Packer was trying to say that White needed to make himself available to receive a pass, but he never made that clear with a follow-up comment. Instead, it sounds like he’s reading from Michael Jackson’s Handbook for Interactions with Young Boys, which advocates exposing yourself as often as humanly possible. The second Packer foul-up was when he decided that a tall player for Texas A&M - Corpus Christi was “a tall target in the middle of the court to try and throw a pass over.” Billy, let me go ahead and explain the concept of the word “target” to you….a target is something you throw at, not to. If you are trying to throw over this guy, he is not the target; the spot above him you are trying to throw to is the target and he himself is an obstacle or an obstruction. By their very definition, targets are things you throw at, and since he was on the opposing team and was defending against the pass instead of being its intended recipient, he literally cannot be a target. See, Billy, this is what you get when you’re an arrogant, pompous, self-important, blowhard ass of a man; people look for everything you do wrong (not hard in this case) and tear you a new one for it. I know CBS won't fire you because you’ve been around for decades and you have tenure and all, but the tournament broadcasts would be immeasurably better without your sourpuss, contrarian act around to pollute them.

- How the hell do people come up with ideas like this and actually claim they’ve done any work or put any thought into them? The new NBC comedy (I think) Raines, starring Jeff Goldblum, is not only a pathetic-looking show, it’s a blatant ripoff of two shows already on the air. While Ghost Whisperer and Medium aren't specifically about a male detective who sees visions of murder victims that help him solve crimes, they’re damn close to having the exact same premise. Neither one is a good show, for starters, and both center around protagonists who communicate with deceased people. Heck, Ghost Whisperer even has its main character (Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose, um, physical appeal, is the only redeeming quality of the show) seeing dead people and communicating with them to solve problems left unsolved by their death. The creators of GW and Medium should seriously sue NBC and Raines’ creators for copyright infringement. I know coming up with a premise for a show that’s original is tough nowadays, but this is blatantly offensive because it looks like those responsible for Raines didn’t even make an attempt.

- It’s a bloodbath for my favorite TV shows this spring, and it’s starting to seriously depress me. Already, we’ve seen the demise of The O.C. in February, and now I am forced to cope with the news that three other shows I watch regularly, including one long, long-time favorite and another I consider among the best shows on TV, could be done after this season. At the top of that list is Gilmore Girls, a show in its seventh season and still going strong. Contract discussions for an eighth season have reportedly stalled out, meaning that at this point it’s a near certainty that it’s over for Rory, Lorelai, Luke and Star’s Hollow’s quirky cast of characters. Worse yet, the Tuesday night companion of Gilmore on the CW, Veronica Mars, is also in serious danger of being axed. Mars is newer, only in its third year, but it is an amazingly well-done show, interesting, thought-provoking, funny, charming and with a great cast of characters who you care about. Scenarios of how to squeeze a fourth season out for the show are being discussed, but I have to issue a serious warning to CW head honcho Dawn Ostroff: Listen you brain dead, intellectually stunted piece of crap, you already f’d me and many others over when you inexplicably and unjustifiably cancelled Everwood after last season and kept the gawd-awful 7^th Heaven. So help me, if you get rid of both Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars, I will hunt you down, kidnap you and systematically amputate every last one of your fingers and toes, without anesthetic. I will then force you to watch a continuous loop of 7^th Heaven reruns while drinking the hottest hot sauce known to man and having your body continually scrubbed with steel wool and thumb tacks. Do I make myself clear? Oh, I almost forgot, the CW is also seriously considering canceling One Tree Hill, another show I watch regularly, even though I’m not nearly as attached to it as I am to the other two shows. Still, this is like a new coach taking over an NFL or NBA team and systematically trading away or releasing every single player who was brought in by the team’s former regime, simply to get rid of any guys that aren’t “his” guys. The CW should be ripped from the airwaves for even considering the moves I’ve just mentioned, and if you think I’m joking about those threats, Ostroff, try me, b*tch, because I’m very much not kidding.

Improving international relations with a ginormous wall and why you might wanna drive carefully with pot on board

- When I read that President Bush is promising to work better with Mexico when it comes to policies and international relations, it warms my heart…..well, mostly that’s because nothing says “We want to work with you more and having better relations between our two countries,” quite like planning to erect a giant wall on the border to keep out would-be illegal immigrants from the other country in this equation. Mexican President Felipe Calderon met with W. when our Dumbass in Chief visited Mexico on his tour of Central and South America (yup, good choice, start an unnecessary war in the Middle East, allow it to deteriorate into an international debacle, then go on a tour of Colombia, Mexico and other countries who have nothing to do with said war. Unless this is some sort of scouting mission to find the next country we want to senselessly and wrongfully attack and invade……). Another issue discussed was drug trafficking, which allows Calderon to point out what his government has been doing to combat this vice while also criticizing the U.S. for not doing enough to help. What better response to that criticism than to build a gigantic freaking wall? Lastly, how charming and reassuring to hear W. claim he’ll dedicate the final years of his presidency to overhauling immigration law. Hey ass hat, why don’t you go ahead and focus on the joke of a war you’ve forced America into? Think you can devote some attention to that? As much as everyone else in America knows you’re a moronic ass clown and that this war is a total disgrace, you’re the only one with the final authority to pull our troops out and end it. So break out your crayons and write in (or perhaps have someone else help you to write in) time on your planner to think about ways to fix the whole Iraq mess. Thanks……..

- Who doesn’t love a good dynamic duo? Batman and Robin, Jordan and Pippen, Starsky and Hutch…..and the list goes on. The particular dynamic duo chosen by Seattle Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens is not one of those duos we all know and love, at least not the law enforcement professionals among us. Stevens, enjoying his off-season in the way many athletes seem to, was picked up by the cops in Arizona for a DUI and for possession of the hippie lettuce. On Tuesday, Scottsdale, Ariz. police pulled over Stevens for driving erratically and surprise, surprise, they found some of the chronic in his vehicle. Is there an athlete out there who doesn’t like to smoke weed? Honestly, every athlete brush with the law seems to involve pot. Guys that haven't been arrested for it admit in interviews that they enjoy smoking it, and Ricky Williams was willing to leave the NFL for a year so he could keep on gettin’ high. Stevens is already known as an irritant on the field by opponents, and he’s rubbed some of his own teammates the wrong way with his ‘tude. What should be readily apparent to Stevens and to all his other stoner/athlete buddies is this: if you have marijuana in your vehicle, you’re going to want to avoid any other illegal behavior or actions that might lead to the cops pulling you over and thus finding your stash. Don’t drive intoxicated, don’t go 100 m.p.h., don’t drive stoned….you get the point. If you have your weed on your person, make sure you drive within the confines of the law, then smoke your tree whenever you get home or to the home of a friend you’re going to visit. Seems like I should have to say that, but from the looks of it, I need to state it clearly and frequently.

- The true fun in this whole governmental crackdown on steroids, HGH and performance-enhancing drugs in general is hearing the lame-o excuses and explanations that the athletes and other individuals accused of purchasing the drugs offer for their alleged transgressions. Take, for example, Sly Stallone, who has been fingered for bringing the prohibited human growth hormone Jintropin into Australia in February. Honestly, though, I don’t think anyone really believes that Sly was intending to use those 48 vials of HGH, especially this particular one, which is commonly used as an anti-aging substance which reduces excess body fat, increases muscle mass and decreases wrinkling. Why would anyone believe a 60-year-old man who needs to be in good shape to make boxing and action movies would take a performance enhancer that builds muscle, reduces fat and combats wrinkles? I mean, it’s patently absurd. Additionally, I’m sure the possible $22,000 fine is verrrrrry scary to a man worth tens of millions of dollars. Nothing like being fined for a crime and having enough loose change rattling around in your car’s ashtray to pay said fine.

- Cross prison shower drains off your list of ideal places to hide a stolen diamond. Prison officials in Orange County, Calif. discovered a diamond worth $25,000 in one of the prison’s shower drains, and surprisingly, the man accused of stealing said diamond, Bret Allen Langford, is an inmate at the exact same prison. Shocking, I know…….but if you’re convicted of a crime, what does it really hurt to be found with the evidence? It does kinda poke a big hole in your chances of having your conviction overturned. Also, if the plan was holding onto the diamond and using it to finance your new life after your release, then hiding it in the shower drain or losing it there would be problematic. Interestingly, this diamond was stolen two years ago, and it’s just now being found. Just goes to show that in America, you don’t need to be bothered with pesky details like finding the physical evidence in order to convict someone. Just find twelve easily led souls who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty and you can steer them to any verdict you want. This time, thankfully, it looks like they stumbled upon the correct one for a change.

Viva el Donald!

- My main man Donald Trump is back at it. In addition to appearing regularly on recent editions of WWE programming to promote his participation in the upcoming WrestleMania, the Donald is once again launching verbal scud missiles at Rosie O’Donnell for no real reason other than the fact that he finds her revolting and that a couple months back she had the bad sense to make snarky remarks about him. Now that Trump has been riled up, not even the revelation that she is suffering from depression can protect O’Fat from the Donald’s attacks. On the subject of O’Fat’s depression, Trump deadpanned, “I’d probably be depressed to if I looked in the mirror and saw what Rosie sees.” Also, when asked about his nemesis’s therapy method of hanging upside down in some sort of harness contraption, D. Trump replied, “Rosie hanging upside down, now that is something I would pay money not to see.” To that kind of attack, I have only one thing to say: welcome back, Donald, it’s good to have you around taking shots at Rosie again. Just wasn’t the same without you mercilessly taunting and eviscerating O’Fat. Keep it up, lest Rosie get the idea that she’s not still a huge, disgusting loser.

- Someone really needs to explain to me how the frak Arkansas is anywhere near the NCAA Tournament. This mediocre, uninspiring squad blundered through the regular season, thoroughly underwhelming everyone to the point that their head coach, Stan Heath, was rumored to be on the chopping block unless his team won the Southeastern Conference tournament. But the Razorbacks win their opening round game and eventually make it to the tourney final, where they are blown out by Florida, and suddenly they’re NCAA material? Huh? Play like crap all year, just get enough wins to look marginally viable and have a surprising run in your conference tournament and you’re welcome in our tournament seems to be the sentiment from the NCAA. I look forward to seeing you booted out of the tournament on your ass the first game, Arkansas, so I hope you enjoy your entirely undeserved extension of your season.

- Man, this is going to hurt the prospects for their reality TV show. Rob and Amber, the couple that have made a life out of the disgusting spectacle that is reality TV, were eliminated from The Amazing Race on Sunday’s episode, and I’m not all that sad to see them go, but not for the reasons you might think. I’ve had a real issue with these two leeches ever since they used their notoriety of meeting and falling in love on Survivor to crash Amazing Race, one of the only decent reality shows on. You want to pollute Survivor with your narcissistic, self-promoting act, fine, but don’t go ruining a good show. Yet they did just that and because of their success the first time, they were invited back for Amazing Race: All-Stars. Yet they couldn’t hack it on this week’s episode and were eliminated in South America, losing out on the last spot to that annoying lawyer bitch and her oompla loompa midget cousin. Adios, Rob and Amber, take your self-promoting shtick somewhere else.

- Been concerned about the recent lag in random people declaring their intent to run for president in 2008? For a while there, we had about four a day throwing their hat in the ring, then all of the sudden the supply dried up and we were coming dangerously close to resigning ourselves to the candidates we already had and actually having to start examining who these bozos were and what they stood for. Fear not, however, as actor Fred Thompson has announced that he’s considering a run for prez, and he actually has a political background. For 10 years, Thompson was a U.S. senator from Tennessee, and honestly he is probably no less qualified than most of the other 782 candidates who have decided to run for a nomination this time around. Plus, he has fake legal experience, having played a district attorney on Law &Order. I would say that a good measuring stick was to judge Thompson against our current president and see how he stacks up, but let’s be honest: a drunken, stoned woodchuck with a learning disability would stack up favorably to the guy currently sitting in the Oval Office.

- This is government in action, functioning at its highest level. The Food and Drug Administration has established new rules for preventing food poisoning in freshly cut produce, but companies are not required to follow said rules. Instead, produce companies are “urged” to adopt the new guidelines, which are theoretically similar to the rules the meat processing industry is governed by. Disease scares courtesy of tomatoes, spinach, lettuce, cantaloupes, mushrooms and spinach in recent months prompted the new regulations, but unlike the meat industry, the produce industry’s rules are voluntary. Nothing demands that someone clean up their act quite like throwing down the gauntlet with new rules that are more or less suggestions. “You’d better stop producing products that make people sick and kill them, or else we’ll…..we’ll…….do nothing. Yeah, that’s right, don’t make us mad!” These kinds of decisions are why I absolutely love our government, because who wants an effective governing body that actively protects the well being of its citizens and enforces the rules it creates? Not me!

- Wow. Someone isn't running for president. Sen. Chuck Hagel, R.-Neb., has decided against running for the Republican nomination in ’08, electing (pun intended) to focus on his Congressional duties. I find this particularly stunning because scores of senators and representatives are eschewing their duties to go out and campaign for president, yet Hagel wants to hang around Washington and actually try to find a way out of what he termed “the mess in Iraq” that W. has created. Kudos to you, Chuck, although it does seem fundamentally absurd to praise someone just for doing what they were elected to do. Oh well, maybe his example will inspire at least a few dozen others to follow suit. Here’s hoping………

Mediocrity rewarded and reasons to HATE DePauw U.

- Freud believed that the goal of therapy was to convert misery and anguish into general, everyday unhappiness. In the world of the NBA, or the New York Knicks at least, the goal seems to be to convert all-out suckiness into mediocrity. Isaiah Thomas, the coach and general manager of the most perpetually inept and formerly great franchise in the Association, took over the team this year after serving solely as general manager because owner James Dolan wanted Thomas to clean up the personnel mess he himself made and to see if he could get anything out of the roster of overpriced, ego-riddled small forwards that Zeke assembled. Thomas was given this year to show “visible improvement”, and if the team didn’t do markedly better than last year’s 23-59 record, he would be gone as both coach and GM. Well, apparently leading your team to a 28-34 record and a spot on the fringe of the playoffs qualifies as the necessary improvement for Zeke to not only keep his job, but to receive an extension. That’s right, he’s the general for a team losing more than half of its games and one that probably won't make the playoffs, but he’s rewarded with an extended contract. Matt Millen and his continued presence with the Detroit Lions think that’s an absurd notion. Millen’s futility as Lions’ GM and Thomas’ repeated failures with the Knicks are just about the two worst general managing jobs in sports over the past five years, but apparently incompetence is rewarded, at least in sports. Good thing Jim Dolan wasn’t in charge of Enron, or he would have given Kenneth Lay a 15 percent pay raise, a new company car and a ten-year contract extension. Well done, Jimmy, well done.

- Much of Europe hates America, more specifically our imbecilic leader, W., and we know that the Middle East isn't crazy about our Buffoon in Chief either. You can check off Sotuh America on that list too, because during W.’s recent visit to Colombia, 1,500 protestors, including students, labor activists and opposition groups, gathered to taunt W.’s caravan as it passed through the streets of Bogotá. Some threw rocks at the caravan, and 100 people were arrested, and may I say that I am deeply proud of all of those people. See, this isn't an American thing, it’s a universal thing. We can all band together to despise incompetence and idiocy from this man. You need not live in the United States to openly loathe W., and perhaps this is the one cause that can unify us all. Protestor Luz Marina Carrillos doesn’t quite get what W. is all about, though. “He wants us all to get on our knees for him,” Carrillos lamented. No, Luz, he doesn’t want you on your knees, he wants you on the next military transport plane to Iraq so you can fight in the atrocity of a war he created and refuses to end. He wants you to fight and potentially die because he can't just own up to the war being a total debacle and failure and simply end it. Still, I am loving your protest, and I honestly wish more Americans would take to throwing rocks at W.

- Haven't seen the movie 300 yet, but for once, it does look like the biggest movie on a given weekend might actually be worth the praise and support it is getting. Based simply on the fact that it doesn’t have an over-the-hill star trying to make a stab at humor and failing miserably (Wild Hogs, anyone?), doesn’t include Pauly Shore or any of the Wayans brothers, isn't a remake of a movie that was successful in the past and has inspired others to piggyback on its success and has (at least judging from the promos) a decent production value and a discernable plot, this movie is a winner. Problem is, it will be hard to tell how good it actually is in a larger sense because 98 percent of the movies in theaters now are so gawd-awful that they make most anything with a modicum of quality to it seem like Citizen Kane. I do look forward to the day, though, when I no longer see the commercial with that one angry Spartan dude screaming…..“This….is….SPARTA!!!”

- I hate DePauw University. I’m going to say that right now and yes, hate is a strong word, but DePauw merits every ounce of hate I can muster. This university is diametrically opposed to what is truly good and right about college, and a decision made by its leaders is absolutely reprehensible. The Delta Zeta sorority was ordered off of the campus by this fall for, get this, only allowing popular, attractive members. Am I the only one missing the problem here? If a sorority only wants hot girls as members, then you don’t boot them off campus, you salute them for a job well done. I’m guessing that none of the fraternities or male students at DePauw had issues with this policy. More likely, some overweight, ugly girls didn’t get in to the sorority and they threw a fit. Well sorry, girls, but this isn't modern youth soccer, where everyone gets to play, no score is kept so no one wins or loses and everyone is treated the same and we all play nice together. The world isn't a place where people have to overlook you being fat and unattractive for everything you want to be involved in. Can you be fired from a job for being fat and ugly? No. Can you be denied admission to a public university for those same reasons? No, and that’s how it should be. Fundamental rights should not be taken away on the basis of criteria like that, but membership in a sorority is different. There are plenty of sororities out there, and if you don’t like any of the ones available, then go Revenge of the Nerds and create your own. Instead, we’ve got an Animal House-like situation, with a Greek organization being run off campus. Worse yet, it’s an organization of hot girls…..this makes me profoundly sad. Of course, all the Delta Zetas will do is find a new house off campus and they can operate outside the guidelines and rules that on-campus Greeks have to abide by. They can be even wilder and more out of control, and coupled with a couple dozen hot sorority girls, that should make them the most popular Greek organization at DePauw.

I'm pissed......I'm just pissed, really pissed

- The NCAA Tournament Selection Committee should be ashamed of itself. I know apologists will say what a hard job these guys have and how many worthy teams they have to consider. My reply is one word: bullshit. These tools sit in their meeting room and apparently smoke dope, take repeated blows to the head and take turns spinning round and round to see who will get dizzy and pass out before making their choices. How else do you explain allowing teams like Arkansas (seriously, freaking Arkansas!) and Stanford in but excluding teams like Drexel, Syracuse, West Virginia and my beloved Akron Zips. Also, how do you ass hats explain the disturbingly decreasing number of mid-major schools in, with a measly six in this year as at-large teams, the lowest total in the past six years. Two of my complaints (Drexel and Akron) are mid-majors, and yet the selection committee goes all highbrow on us and cherry picks undeserving teams just because they are from so-called “power conferences”. So now, it looks like to be a mid-major and get an at large bid, you must be at least 31-2, because otherwise you’ll get the shaft so teams whose asses you could kick can get in based on their conference pedigrees. What a joke……..

- Let’s go ahead and start up the office pools for when a couple of new shows, midseason replacements to be more precise, will be cancelled. Andy Barker, P.I., is a show with a premise that’s um, well, bad. If I need to go into more detail about why an accountant mistakenly falling into the business of being a private investigator is destined to fail, then maybe you need to read a blog with a slightly lower IQ level. Bad premise, and any show that’s lazy enough to derive part of its name and the first name of its main character from the name of the actor playing that character (Andy Barker) doesn’t hold much promise. Second on the list would be The Winner, starring Rob Corddry, formerly of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart fame. See, this is what happens when one guy from a show spins off to his own show and has success, a la Steve Carrell with The Office. Others think they can do the same thing and networks, stupid and clueless as they are, blindly throw money and scripts at these people, hoping they can match what their comrades have done. Sadly for Corddry, when even the promos for your new show, which should theoretically be the funniest, most interesting parts in order to generate interest, suck as bad as the promos for Winner do, there’s no way I’m wasting time watching the actual show itself. So in this case, you could actually go one of two directions with your pool; either bet on when each show will be cancelled individually, or bet on which will be cancelled first. My money is on Andy Barker to get whacked first; I just don’t see any redemptive qualities in the show at all.

- Ladies, next time you complain about a guy not being a gentleman and holding the door open for you, stop and remember this story and realize you may actually be fortunate. Police in New York are searching for a man who is suspected of attacking elderly women and stealing their purses after pretending to be a chivalrous gentleman holding the door for them. His victims include a 101-year-old and an 85-year-old, which officially makes this guy a piece of crap. Attacking a woman is cowardly under any circumstances, but elderly women? C’mon, that’s as low as it goes.

- Know how you can tell when you’re a walking magnet for trouble? When someone tries to knife you at a bowling alley, you can be certain that your life has become more than a little out of hand. Tennessee Titans cornerback and aspiring gangsta Adam “Pacman” Jones is just such a person, and perhaps he is the consummate example of this type of person. For someone who has smashed a fellow student in the head with a pool cue in college, spit on a woman, been a major contributing factor in a strip club brawl that left one man paralyzed and been interviewed by the police more often than most people change their socks, Jones just can't learn his lesson and get away from trouble. He was involved in another incident over the weekend, and although this time he is the victim, his previous trespasses and missteps can't help but make you wonder why this dude isn't locking himself in his house and never coming out. Clayton Smith is the man accused of trying to carve Jones up with a knife, but thankfully no one was hurt in this incident. But overall, the Titans have to be even more sure now that they need to release Jones, because even when he’s not causing a riot or melee, a riot or melee seems to find him anyhow. It’s a matter of time before he kills someone or is shot, and the Titans don’t need this head case on their team.

- Two great albums just out that you’ll be sorry if you miss, one is a blast from the waaaaay back past, one is a fresh face on the music scene that’s only been around, at least in the collective consciousness of the music world, since 2004. In some sense, Iggy Pop can't be a blast from the past because he’s never really gone away for any substantial length of time. What is a throwback to another era, though, is the Igg-ster releasing an album with his old buddies, the Stooges. Iggy has been solo for a long time, and this is his first album with the Stooges since the ‘70s. Along with brothers Ron and Scott Asheton, the Stooges were a Detroit-based band that was a forerunner of the punk movement. Iggy made a name for himself in those days, often by doing things like rolling around in broken glass onstage and generally acting like a madman. This new album, captures much of that feel, but it also shows some evolution. For music fans who weren't around for the first incarnation of Iggy and the Stooges, The Weirdness will be a great experience, and for those who were aorund, it’ll be a great trip back in time. The new face in this story would be the Arcade Fire, a Montreal-based seven-person band that’s become a kitschy cool favorite of indie rock fans all over the world. Any band that dares to bring violins, xylophones, tambourines, a disco ball and a mini-parade onstage at their concert definitely has two things: innovation and balls. The new album from the band is Neon Bible, and it follows in the footsteps of the group’s previous efforts, Funeral (2004) and their self titled album (2005) in the vein of abstract, enigmatic music. This isn't a hopeful optimistic album; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. The world of today isn't a pleasant place in the eyes of Win Butler and his merry band of misfits. “Every spark of friendship and love/Will die without a home,” aren't words that leave much room for ambiguity. Still, the musicianship is good, and the reality is that the world isn't always a sunny place, so music like this is often right on the mark. Two albums from very different places musically, but both Iggy and the Stooges and the Arcade Fire deserve your attention.

For a third straight day..........

http://www.gozips.com/ViewArticle.dbml?SPSID=47192&SPID=4338&DB_OEM_ID=10800&ATCLID=824492

And here's what I did with my Friday, just follow the link

http://www.gozips.com/ViewArticle.dbml?SPSID=47192&SPID=4338&DB_OEM_ID=10800&ATCLID=823758

Here's what I did today.......

http://www.gozips.com/ViewArticle.dbml?SPSID=47192&SPID=4338&DB_OEM_ID=10800&ATCLID=822817

Rosie O'Donnell is fat, disgusting and dumb, and I revel in ripping her

- Paging Donald Trump, paging Donald Trump……..Rosie O’Donnell is in need of another verbal beatdown, and since the Donald so loves lighting O’Fat up with a flurry of verbal jabs and uppercuts, I thought he’d want the chance. Normally a person could make the moronic comments that O’Fat makes and they’d fly largely under the radar, but because of her recent history of sounding bitter, militant and unintelligent every time she opens her pie hole (well, when she’s not busy shoving a side of barbecue spare ribs into it), I feel compelled to blast her on a regular basis. This time, O’Fat weighed in (something I’m sure she doesn’t do too often, because after all, finding one of those roadside weigh stations with a big enough scale to weigh her giant, flabby body is tough) on the Antonella Barba scandal, and not surprisingly, O’Fat sounds like the bitter, fat, gross slob she always is. She insists that Barba still on American Karaoke only because she’s thin and white, while a black contestant was voted off in a previous season after posing for reveling photos as Barba did. I can't speak for the white/black part of the equation, but here’s the thing; neither can Rosie. Hey O’Fat, you do know you’re white, right? I don’t remember seeing you leading our nation’s civil rights crusade with Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson, so don’t play the race card now because you’re just too stupid to come up with anything more insightful. Secondly, and most importantly: yes, most people prefer looking at thin, good looking women as opposed to obscenely fat, three-chin sporting slobs like you. Sorry, but it’s the truth. Quit being the bitter fat chick and if you really have an issue with this, push away from the buffet table and hit the gym at least once a decade. This is a fake reality show/karaoke show/talent competition, and people who are dumb enough to pay to call in and vote for the winner deserve to vote on whatever criteria they choose. This ain’t the presidential election, O’Fat, and it doesn’t matter who wins or how. I would rather hear Antonella Barba and her talentless voice sing for a week straight than to listen to one second of the offensively bitter and moronic blathering coming from your mouth, so can it, O’Fat, no one thinks you’re funny or insightful.

- My blanket policy when it comes to spandex is thus: it’s something you should try to avoid if at all possible. Sometimes you can’t, such as track and field athletes who need to be as aerodynamic as possible and who could be hurt literally by being slowed down even .0001 seconds. However, the general population and even athletes in other sports really don’t have a pressing need for spandex outfits, at least not as a primary layer of clothing. You want to slap on some spandex shorts under a pair of athletic shorts as a secondary layer, fine. Otherwise, we need to have a mandatory licensing process for anyone wanting to wear spandex, as evidenced by the many, many people who, to put it kindly, have a bit too much beef on their physique to look good in the material. For this reason, I have to say how absurdly bad the new basketball uniforms from Nike look. The new duds feature the normal basketball shorts topped off by a form-fitting spandex top, and they look as absurd as they sound. You’ve got the normal, past-the-knee length shorts players like to wear that look more like Capri pants than shorts, then up top you have this über-tight jersey and the juxtaposition of the two is ridiculous. Everyone’s looking for the next cool look and the next innovation to stay ahead of the fashion/athletic performance field, but this is a step back, not a step forward.

- See, this is why you need to avoid sending personal email from your work email address. If you make that mistake and then find yourself in the middle of an astronaut love triangle wherein one of the participants drives cross country wearing an adult diaper to kidnap another member of the triangle, then those emails will become public fodder. Astronaut Bill Oefelein is finding that out now that emails described as “steamy” are being released as part of the court records in the case against astro-nut Lisa Nowak. There are emails between Oefelein and both Nowak and Air Force Sgt. Colleen Shipman, and in those emails you can find talk of ripping clothes off, being head-over-heels in love and getting your astronaut freak on. I’m betting that our buddy Bill is regretting sending those emails from his NASA account right about now, just like he’s regretting ever hooking up with Nowak in the first place, then dumping her for Shipman. Lots of guys have stories about crazy ex-girlfriends who go too far to exact revenge, but Oefelein looks to have hooked himself one of the craziest, most mentally unstable fish in the pond this time.

- I don’t know who looks worse in this next story, the schmucks who fell for a multi-million dollar art scam or the crooks that operated it. Normally you’re inclined to rip anyone who bilks others out of that kind of jack, but this time, equal ridicule has to go to the bilkees. Many of us enjoy art and the idea of having a painting by Picasso, Chagall or Dali hanging in your home to impress friends and visitors is enticing. However, if said piece of art, alleged to be signed by the painter himself, was purchased through a televised auction on some home shopping channel, I have to begin asking serious questions about the IQ level of the buyer. If you’re dumb enough to believe that you are buying a piece of art from a world-renowned painter through a TV auction, then you just might deserve to part with some of the money in your wallet. Kristine Eubanks, 49, and husband Gerald Sullivan, 51, are alleged to be at the helm of the scam and have been charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud, wire fraud and interstate transportation of stolen property. Crimes of stupidity, thankfully, are not allowed, so those who got suckered into buying the faux-art won't be charged with anything. I guess P.T. Barnum wasn’t wrong when he said there’s a sucker born every minute, because most of the time it seems like there’s one born every ten seconds.

- Some lucky Star Wars loser is going to be verrrrrry popular when he or she attends the next Convention of Losers. That’s because someone out there paid $107,109 to buy the robe worn by Sir Alec Guinness when he played Obi Wan Kanobe in the first round of Star Wars flicks. The robe, which is described as being more of a burlap sack, was sold for that obscenely high price at an auction, and I can just picture the winning bidder, phoning in from his mom’s basement, playing Dungeons and Dragons and trying to use his grubby 32-year-old hands to fish the last of his money out of his Jabba the Hut piggy bank and asking his mom if he can have this week’s allowance a day early so he can buy this robe he just has to have. Next time this dork goes to a Star Wars convention, I bet all of the chicks dressed as Princess Lea will definitely want to hook up with him now that he’s sporting this great piece of movie history. Well done, loser, I hope you’re happy with yourself.

- Steve Spurrier arrived at the University of South Carolina seeking to establish the Gamecocks as a national college football power, and based on this latest story about his program, he’s well on his way. More so than signing a Top 10 recruiting class, having a player arrested is a clear indication that you are in fact a big-time program. Stephen Garcia, a freshman quarterback for South Carolina, is in a bit of trouble after he allegedly keyed the car of one of his professors, along with a prior arrest for drunkenness and failing to stop for a police officer. You can talk all you want about big wins on the field, recruiting top-notch players, winning bowl games and championships, but nothing says “major football power” quite like an arrest. Preferably it would be for domestic violence (a la Lawrence Phillips in the ‘90s at Nebraska) or drug use, or assault, but in this case vandalizing a prof’s car will have to do. The Miami Hurri-thugs have built nearly their entire tradition on being criminal gangstas, and if South Carolina can keep piling up the arrests, they can build that same kind of tradition. If they need any sort of mentoring in this endeavor, they can always contact the professionals, by which I mean the Cincinnati Bengals, an NFL team that takes getting arrested to a whole new level, almost an art form.

- I urge you to ignore the new O.J. Simpson story about him claiming that he may be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s infant daughter. Quite frankly, the Juice is simply working as hard as possible to upgrade his suite in hell. He’s currently at the deluxe model condo with a plasma screen and hot tub, but by claiming he may have fathered the baby of a deceased woman and joking that he hopes he’s not the father so Fred Goldman won't try to repossess the baby to help satisfy the civil judgment against O.J. in the wrongful death suit, the Juice is clearly trying to move up to the über-deluxe mansion with a game room, indoor pool and in-home theater. Yes, O.J., you are still the worst guy ever.

Ron Artest strikes again, fat kids get help and ABC greenlights an idiotic new show

- Ron Artest is a bad, bad man. By that, I mean he’s Likes to Fight Guy, and he’s also marginally insane. You probably remember Ron Ron from the incident a couple years ago when he attacked a fan in the stands at a game against the Detroit Pistons. Even non-sports fans heard about this; it was all over the news for days, and the NBA received a lot of negative publicity and made a lot of rules changes as a result of the brawl that ensued. As it turned out, Artest attacked the wrong fan, punching out someone who didn’t actually throw the cup of beer at him as he lay on the scorer’s table in defiance of a foul call he didn’t like. His team, the Indiana Pacers, viewed him as radioactive from that point on and ended up trading him to Sacramento shortly thereafter. There have been minor disturbances since then, but over the weekend, Mount Ron Ron finally blew its top in the most clichéd of all athlete misbehavior, domestic violence. He is accused of pushing his girlfriend to the ground during an argument, then committing another crime by preventing her from using the phone to report the abuse. Best of all, though, is the fact that his girlfriend, apparently a lot braver than most of us, came right back at Ron Ron, busting the window on his Hummer with a frying pan when he tried to drive away. Honestly, I’m terrified just looking at the angry, slightly off-kilter look on Artest’s face in his mug shot, so I admire his girlfriend for being willing to come right back at him after he attacked her. We might as well go ahead and put Ron into a steel cage match with Mike Tyson now, because that’s where both of them are headed as circus freak sideshow acts. But Artest has plenty of time to think about all of this, because Sacramento has given him a paid, indefinite leave of absence from the team. Happy trails, Ron Ron, please stay away from Ohio so I don’t have to build a security wall around my home.

- For a magazine that is all about business and finance and presumably caters to smart, successful people, Forbes magazine is incredibly stupid, at least when it comes to sports. The magazine has named Minnesota Timberwolves GM Kevin McHale as the #1 GM in all of professional sports, which is the most befuddling choice since Richie Nixon and that whole Vietnam thingy. McHale is one of the most inept general managers in sports, not one of the best. His team’s record the past four years: 161-144 (a mediocre .527 winning percentage). Number of championships: 0. Playoff appearances: 1. Coaches hired and fired: 3. Despite having future Hall of Famer Kevin Garnett in his prime, McHale has continually failed to surround KG with any semblance of talent in order to win a title. He was penalized in 1998 for blatantly breaking the rules to sign overrated free agent Joe Smith to an illegal contract, and the team lost draft picks as a result. Currently, he has a guy on his team named Marko Jaric, who McHale traded for, along with a bloated 4-year contract that Jaric has validated by scoring hearty 5.2 points per game and not even being good enough to earn a starting role.

- Have you gotten more than a little tired of those Geico commercials featuring the three cavemen? You’ve probably seen the three Neanderthals (literally) who are insulted by claims that using Geico is so easy “even a caveman can do it.” Not only have those spots been run into the ground, they’ve reached such a subterranean level that they might be piercing the earth’s core any moment. Even the best ads cease to be funny and/or interesting when you see them over and over and over again. Well, ABC apparently is too clueless to realize this, because the network has actually ordered a pilot for a comedy tentatively titled Cavemen, featuring the three characters from those ads. Normally I wait until I see promos for a show to rip it, but I’m going to make an exception here. First, even without the ads, this show would be an abysmally awful idea. A show about three cavemen? Seriously, you want to pin ratings hopes on that pile of manure? It’s so unrealistic that it’s offensively stupid. Yes, some shows (those like Heroes, Smallville, Supernatural, etc.) do require you to suspend your disbelief in order to buy into their supernatural premises, but that isn't what this is. There are no supernatural goings on here, just a trio of individuals from prehistoric times presumably living in today’s world. Any jokes or humor you could derive from that were explored in those commercials, and if there’s not enough humor to carry a 30-second ad, how in the world can you even think of building a half-hour sitcom out of it? ABC really needs to institute a stronger drug testing policy for its executives, because whoever green-lighted this one is clearly high on the ganja.

- If you can't capitalize on a national tragedy and exploit it for political gain, then what good is it? Democratic presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hank Clinton both took advantage of the remembrance of the day in 1965 when white police beat black Alabamans nearly 42 years ago at a civil rights march in Selma, Alabama to promote their campaigns by showing a “genuine” concern for civil rights and remembering their heritage. The only problem? Hank Clinton is a white person and Obama is the son of an African father and a European mother, so neither one of them knows the first thing about dealing directly with the horrible effects of slavery. Showing up for a photo op at a ceremony is as disingenuous as you can get, and seeing a picture of Obama at one end of a line of people and Clinton at the other end, looking at one another with phony, fraudulent smiles makes you’re stomach turn. I’m still overwhelmingly behind Obama and any other candidate who isn't Hank Clinton, but Barack, my man, stop being such a phony and a slick politician. It’s your nature, I know, as a politician, but if you can fight to actually be even quasi-normal and real, you’ve got a great chance at being the next occupant of the Oval Office.

- Once again, fat people are looking for 1) ways to blame everyone but themselves for eating too much and not exercising, and 2) methods to eliminate their portly, blubber-clad physiques without eating too much and actually exercising. Specifically, this story involves obesity in children, based on the fact that the number of U.S. children having obesity (gastric bypass) surgery has tripled in between 2000 and 2003. Nearly 800 children has the obesity surgery in 2003, which is disturbing on many levels. First, nice to know that parents continue to shove greasy, friend, fatty foods down their kids’ pie holes. Also nice to know that parents are able to overlook the fact that they, by and large, control what and when their kids eat and thus could help alleviate the rolls of fat around their children’s waists and ankles by giving them healthier food and making sure they get plenty of exercise and physical activity. Much easier to just wait until your kid weight 200 pounds and have them go under the knife to address the problem, though. It helps the kids to learn that they need not take charge of their own health, because there’s always a quick fix for being fat; just get some surgery. That way, they can be well-prepared to grow into the overweight adults that the rest of the world mocks Americans for being.

I still hate Duke, I love Euro-anarchists and I'm gonna avoid raw oysters

- This next story is prefaced by the fact that I hate the Duke men’s basketball team. I absolutely abhor Coach Kryzewski and his merry band of upper class, snobbish suburban underachievers, most of whom won't be able to hack it in the NBA and will end up back at Duke as one of Coach K’s horde of assistant coaches. Even with my open hatred of Duke, though, my take on the incident involving Duke played Gerald Henderson flagrantly fouling North Carolina player Tyler Hansbrough and breaking Hansbrough’s nose wouldn’t be any different if I was totally indifferent to Duke or even if I liked them. Henderson’s violent elbow to Hansbrough came in the final minute of a game that Carolina clearly had in hand. Hansbrough went to the basket for a dunk and Henderson cocked an elbow and blasted him in the face, earning a flagrant foul, an ejection and a lot of Hansbrough’s blood on the floor. Duke apologists are already spinning it by saying that Carolina shouldn’t have had its starters in when the outcome of the game was no longer in doubt, or they’re saying that it was accidental. Both claims are futile, though, because the game was in the 12-14 point range, yeah, but it’s a rivalry game and why give Duke any hopes of even starting to make a comeback, and also, this was no accident. Watch the replays and you’ll see Henderson readying himself to deliver the blow, going right for the head. Coach K hinted at the fact that if the starters for UNC had been out, this wouldn’t have happened, but of course he lacked the testicular fortitude to own up to the fact that the foul was designed to send a message to Carolina. Henderson earns a one-game suspension for the flagrant foul and ejection, which should be good enough. Hansbrough might be the one with the broken nose here, but Duke is the one with a black eye from this incident, the last pock mark on a decidedly underwhelming, un-Duke-like season.

- Hopefully you, like me, are keeping a running tally of food products that are no longer safe to eat. Celery, green onions, mushrooms and peanut butter have already gone up on the list in the past few months, now they are joined by oysters. The Food and Drug Administration has warned consumers not to eat raw oysters harvested from San Antonio Bay in Texas after more than two dozen people in Maryland became ill last month after eating those very oysters. Honestly, you could’ve stopped after the part about not eating raw oysters and most of America would’ve been good with that, save the small population of competitive eating freaks who jam massive quantities of disgusting food down their gullets for no real reason. But the Rose Bay Oyster Co. Bayview Seafood have issued a recall on their oysters, so be on the lookout for them if you’re a seafood lover. Also, stay tuned because I’m sure within a few days, I’ll have another addition to the list of toxic foods that you’ll need to avoid.

- It must be nice to be so rich that you can have valuable, stolen artwork laying around and not even realize anyone is looking for it. Director Steven Spielberg had a thieved Norman Rockwell painting, Russian Schoolroom, in his collection, but didn’t know it was stolen until some of his employees spotted it on an FBI website and reported it. Not sure what these minions were doing browsing an FBI website (maybe research for an upcoming movie?), because when it comes to employees perusing the ‘Net at work, law enforcement sites are typically low on the list, behind ESPN.com, defamer.com, TMZ.com, weatherchannel.com and fark.com. But the important thing is that a valuable painting that Spielberg probably forgot he even had and never even looked at because it was at one of his four different homes around the world that he rarely stays at has been returned to its home in Clayton, Mo. I’ll speak for all of America and say that thank God that national nightmare is over, we can all sleep better tonight thanks to that burden being lifted from our shoulders.

- Slight pet peeve to hit on when it comes to sporting announcers, or even with announcers/hosts of TV or radio broadcasts in general……every time I hear one of these unfunny a-holes broadcasting from a warm climate (Florida usually, sometimes SoCal) and they try to bust out with a funny line about how it’s nice where they are or maybe it’s unusually “chilly” for, say Florida (like 60 degrees) but they shouldn’t complain because it’s friggin’ freezing any snowing in most of the country, I wanna wring their pretty little TV necks until their eyes pop right out of their heads. Hey, we get it, it’s a lot nicer where you are than where we are. We don’t like freezing our butts off, but it’s where we live at least for now. It’s not funny or fresh, and it’s about the most unoriginal joke you can make on a broadcast. You’re going to draw one of the following responses, and they’re all negative: 1) not funny, bad joke, 2) thanks for rubbing it in, jerk, or 3) you suck, please shut up. If you can't do any better than that when coming up with material for your on-air time, might be time to hang ‘em up and ride off into the sunset.

- Back to back days, back to back stories of riots in the Europe/Western Asia corner of the world. This tale comes by way of Denmark, where riots by a group of anarchists in the Danish capital of Copenhagen have led to more than 500 arrests since the protests began Thursday. It isn't just Danish anarchists, either; anti-establishment folk from all across Europe have flocked to Denmark to join in on the civil (and not-so-civil) disobedience. Late night clashes with police have led to the burning of cars, the vandalism of a school and damage to several other buildings. The Swedes, the Norwegians and the Germans have all lent a hand to the Danes in this anti-government activity, aimed at opposing proposed reforms by the center-right government that leftists claim will erode their country’s governing system. Denmark sports high taxes to finance a generous welfare system, with free education and health care that is heavily subsidized. Stodgy politico Anders Fredrik Mihle of the governing Liberal Party’s youth wing, sounding very much like the crusty old guy he is, said, “The spoiled kids in the youth house woke up to reality in Danish society where you have a job and pay rent.” Well said, you out of touch old bastard. The igniting spark for the riots came when squatters were evicted from an abandoned building that had become a center of sorts for young leftists and punks, but honestly, these people were looking for a reason to go, and the cops gave it to them. My position is that rioting and looting are only acceptable as a means of celebration when your team wins a championship, so I’m going to have to lightly admonish the Euro anarchists, but I still applaud their willingness to go toe-to-toe with those who enforce a system they deem unfair. And anyone who riots against the “realization that in _________ society you have to have a job and pay rent” is A-ok in my book.

- I just couldn’t let this one go. It’s my sworn policy to rip any and all mindles, inane music that is founded solely upon moronic lyrics whose entire point is, “I’m hot, look at me and want to get with me.” This applies mostly to musical abominations like Fergie and the Pussycat Skanks/Dolls, but this concept has been taken to a new, literal low point by an artist named Mims. Now I’ve never heard of Mims before now, I don’t know if it’s a dude or a chick (with the title of this song, hopefully a chick, because a dude singing this song would be wrong on so many levels), I don’t know if it’s a group or a solo act, and I’m not at all inclined to waste any of my time finding out, not when I could be doing other, more important things like organizing my sock drawer. But the title of Mims’ current single is This is Why I’m Hot, and it’s about the dumbest thing, musically, I can remember seeing in a long, long time. Unless you can come up with something less superficial, less idiotic, less mindless and more complex than that, your recording contract should be ripped from you. Heck, Mill Vanilli and Vanilla Ice think your song lacks creativity and depth, Mims. I’m offended just reading about it, to be honest.

Lovin' the Black Donnellys, a shipment of human organs goes awry and riots in Russia

- This is a few days late, but a definite thumbs up to NBC for its new drama, The Black Donnellys. I watched the pilot episode on its initial broadcast Monday night and enjoyed it so much I tuned in for the rebroadcast on Thursday. Also, I’m not saying I loved it just because they cast the chick (Olivia Wilde) who played Alex, Marissa Cooper’s lesbian lover on The O.C., as one of the female leads, and seeing Wilde brought back memories of her and Mischa Barton making out on screen. This show is legitimately good, although it will be interesting to see if they can keep from becoming to stereotypical in their portrayal of organized crime and of the Irish heritage of the four Donnelly brothers, the stars of the show. The drama was good, though, and there was enough understated humor to keep things interesting. The show definitely has a dark element to it, but it’s not overly bleak or all serious all the time. Maybe the fact that until Heroes premiered last fall NBC hadn't had a quality new show since early this decade is blowing my enthusiasm for the Donnellys out of proportion, but I doubt it. This is a really good show that should be a staple of the NBC lineup for a while. Of course, you know what that means. It’ll be cancelled within a year or two, because that’s apparently what happens to all good shows nowadays.

- The Era of the Snake is over in the NFL. Jake “The Snake” Plummer, the erratic, inconsistent, bearded quarterback who patrolled the field and threw indefensibly dumb passes for a decade for the Arizona Cardinals and Denver Broncos, has retired. This is noteworthy because of the bizarre circumstances under which the retirement took place. The Broncos, who benched Plummer last year in favor of rookie Jay Cutler, attempted to trade the Snake to Tampa Bay, but rather than accept the trade and report to Tampa, Plummer just quit. It’s just the kind of competitive, fiery spirit I love to see in athletes. If you’re traded to a team you don’t want to play for, quit. If you have to go to a team where you may have to fight for the starting quarterback job, just quit. If you are benched and can no longer lead a team to wins, quit. Thanks for the hearty, refuse-to-die spirit, Jake, you and your omnipresent interceptions, brain farts and general mediocrity will be sorely missed.

- If you’ve been jones-ing for your Donald Trump fix like me, now that the Donald has ceased dropping verbal beatdowns on Rosie O’Donnell, here’s a pleasant bit of news for you. Trump, deciding to mingle with the commoners a bit, is making appearances on World Wrestling Entertainment programming in preparation for taking part in WrestleMania in April. Trump and WWE owner Vince McMahon will oppose each other in the “Battle of the Billionaires”, with a wrassler representing each of them and the losing billionaire to have his head shaved by the winning billionaire. Somehow I don’t think the Donald would agree to this if he were going to end up on the losing end, so let’s go ahead and assume that the outcome for this match will be in his favor. Good to see the world’s most arrogant, self-confident billionaire mingle with the common folk, though, and that his TV endeavors aren't limited to his unwatchable reality show, The Apprentice.

- This will look great in the wedding album. Elizabeth Hurley, marrying some random Indian businessman, had the ever-fruity Elton John give her away at the ceremony. Normally that’s reserved for the father, but I don’t know if Hurley’s father is deceased or they’re estranged, so I’ll overlook that particular part of the story. However, I need to know if Elton was wearing one of his blue, sequined jackets with matching sequined sunglasses for the wedding. Also, was he performing at the reception, doing his 1,000,000^th rendition of that song he did for the Princess Diana funeral and hasn’t stopped performing incessantly since? Yes, nothing adds class and dignity to a wedding quite like Elton John, that’s for sure.

- There’s nothing better in life than sticking it to the man. It’s not nearly as much fun when the man sticks it to you, quite literally, with big metal sticks. That’s what happened to Russian protestors in St. Petersburg, hometown of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Several thousand demonstrators, participating in what they called the March of Those Who Disagree (veeeeery clever, intelligent moniker) marched through the streets of St. Petersburg but were met with heavy opposition by police. The cops clubbed the protestors with truncheons after the protestors ignored demands that their activity be limited to a rally away from the center of the city. In a ballsy move, Those Who Disagree broke from their rally site and began marching. The bullying cops began administering beatdowns and dragging the protestors into waiting buses. The real irony here? The protest was against Russia’s alleged rollback from democracy. And nothing proves people wrong about your country rolling back from democracy like a dictatorial, oppressive thwarting of a protest march. That’ll shut ‘em up, Putin. Mix in some state control of agriculture, force people to surrender their property and belongings to the state and you’ll really have made your point. Props to Those Who Disagree for the stance they are taking and their willingness to give the finger to The Man, it makes the world a better place.

- What’s the proper delivery procedure for human organs to your home? I know you have to sign for certain packages and some can't be left on your porch without a signature, but does that apply when receiving a shipment of 28 human organs? A Cascade Township, Mich. man was faced with that question when a DHL delivery guy dropped off two packages containing, among other things a liver and part of a head, to his home. Apparently, the delivery man believed the packages were pieces of a table, and honestly, who wouldn’t make that mistake? Pieces of a table, pieces of a human body, whatever. The packages came from China and authorities believe that the body parts were actually intended to be distributed to medical institutions around the country. But I’m guessing the unintended recipient of those body parts will have a great story to tell friends for years to come….”Hey, remember when I thought I was getting that dining room table delivered but instead I got a package with some spleens, kidneys, livers and intestines? Wasn’t that hilarious?” Clearly, better labeling for packages is in order for DHL, that way we can avoid any inadvertent body part deliveries to unsuspecting citizens.

You CAN fix stupid, and I can help two crappy reality shows with their problems

- Proof that stupid is not fatal and is reversible: actor Vincent Pastore, who originally agreed to appear on this season of Dancing With the (D-list) Stars, but after only one week or training, Pastore quit. While he cited the intense physical nature of the training being too much to handle, I’m going to read between the lines and assume that what he’s really saying is, “I realized what an ass hat I’d look like appearing on this show and what an absolute joke this whole thing is. Being on a show with a bunch of hacks who are either wannabes or washed up, desperate publicity hounds is a terrible idea, and I’m sorry I ever agreed to this in the first place.” So realizing that’s your sentiment, Vinny, I wholeheartedly salute you for righting this wrong. You will be better off for it, assuming that your wife or girlfriend doesn’t drag you into watching the show anyhow.

- Diaper-clad, gun-rubber-mallet-and-garbage-bag toting astro-nut Lisa Nowak has dodged a bullet. Prosecutors have charged her with attempted kidnapping (and other lesser charges) in incident involving her and a romantic rival for the affections of another astronaut. Police recommended an attempted murder charge as well, but prosecutors decided against it. Intent to inflict bodily harm, burglary using a weapon and battery are also among the charges against Nowak, but stunningly she denies them all. I’m not sure how you can deny the charges when you’re found with a cache of weapons and wearing an adult diaper, but deny she has. Frankly, I’d have gone the not guilty by reason of insanity, because this is one case where it might actually be accurate and not just a last-ditch attempt to get out of a crime that the evidence clearly convicts you of. Not many sane people drive halfway across the country wearing a diaper with a gun, a lead pipe, trash bags and other weaponry to confront a supposed romantic rival. Insanity seems like the only sane defense the Nowak camp can apply to this one.

- I’m a solutions-oriented guy. I love helping people by figuring out logical answers to problems that are plaguing others, and so I feel very good about being able to help out two separate groups of people with one very simple solution. The two groups I’m going to help are the producers of reality shows American Karaoke and that other one with the really long name that’s looking for the next Pussycat Skank, er, Doll. My answer is two words: Antonella Barba. With mounting evidence that she’s little more than a shrill-voiced skank who enjoys taking her clothes off, I have the perfect solution for all involved. Clearly, no one thinks she belongs on AK (although since when does not having talent preclude you from staying on that abomination?), and her burgeoning sex kitten image could further embarrass a show that already embarrasses itself quite adequately simply by existing. Meanwhile, the producers of the show to find the next Pussycat Skank are about to waste a lot of time and money by producing and filming their show when the answer to their quest lies right before their eyes. I’ll even spell it out: remove Barba from American Karaoke and declare her the automatic winner of the Pussycat Skank reality debacle. She fits their criteria quite well; as already stated, she has little to no musical ability and no aversion to wearing little or no clothing. She’s a perfect fit for Cinnamon, Dakota, Destiny and whatever the other Pussycat Skanks are named. Also, AK could be rid of her and could focus on finding its next effeminate, makeup-loving, man-blouse wearing balladeer. It’s a win-win for everyone, and I feel very good about myself for coming up with it, and no thanks are necessary, it’s just how I roll, b’otch.

- The more I hear Tracy McGrady’s comments re: the 2008 NBA All-Star game in New Orleans, the more I think T-Mac sounds like an absolute nincompoop. The short version is that, in the wake of Katrina, with the Big Easy still recovering and rebuilding, McGrady says he wouldn’t feel safe attending All-Star weekend in the city. My most obvious beef is as follows; T-Mac’s concerns have a really easy solution. Fly into N.O., go straight to your hotel and only leave when going to the game or to All-Star Weekend festivities. When you do go out, hire a driver and a couple security guards so your only exposure to the street is walking out of the hotel to your waiting ride. You concerns, T-Mac, are about when you go out at night, go to clubs, whatever. Well, genius, no one is requiring you to do that. You’re only exposing yourself to as much danger as you choose to expose yourself to. A secondary beef of mine is that the game is still a year away, and New Orleans will be much better off in a year than it is now (I hope, as long as F.E.M.A. gets the hell out of the way so qualified, competent people can take charge). Also, way to kick the residents of New Orleans while they’re still hurting, T-Mac. Like the 400+ arrests, multiple shootings and brawls in Vegas were perfectly safe this year. Yet another piece of evidence that athletes should shut their mouths unless they’re commenting on the game itself, because most of these guys are too brain-dead to intelligently comment on societal issues in general.

- Call my nutty, but I would much, much rather watch the excitement of the so-called “mid-major” conference basketball tournaments than the more-publicized, more-hyped major conference tourneys the next week or so. The Big Ten, Pac-10, ACC, SEC, etc. will get most of the attention and TV time, but the intensity just isn't the same for the most part. Why? Well, in the major conf tournaments, usually half of the teams involved or more have NCAA tournament bids sewn up before the tourney begins. They know they’re going to the Big Dance regardless; thus, that extra level of intensity that can only come via desperation isn't there. But go to the Atlantic Sun or Southern Conference tournaments, for example, and you have 10 or 12 teams who know that their only shot at the NCAA’s is winning their conference tournament. You also have teams who’ve had amazing seasons, 28-4 type seasons, and yet if they don’t close it out by winning their own tournament, all those wins will go for naught. That pressure and desperation improves these tournaments exponentially, and it makes them far superior viewing to two Big Ten teams battling to see who can move up a seed or two in the NCAA tournament that they’re both assured of making.

Gambling away your daughter, a $500,000 snowboarding trip and more lies from W.

- Snowboarding is an expensive hobby to pick up, and if you don’t believe me, ask Los Angeles Laker forward Vladomir Radmanovic. Vlad decided to make his first-ever foray into the snowboarding experience over the NBA’s All-Star break, but his first venture into snowboarding might also be his last. An accident on the slopes left him with a separated shoulder, but because activities like snowboarding are among those specifically banned in contracts (for that exact reason of injuries like this) for pro athletes, Radmanovic had to come up with a cover story to avoid getting into trouble with the Lakers. His attempt at an excuse: he was carrying some coffee and slipped coming out of the café, an excuse that the team astonishingly didn’t buy. They pressed the issue and ultimately learned how Radmanovic actually hurt his shoulder. Because he sustained the separated shoulder doing an activity prohibited in his contract and then lied about it, Vlad has been fined $500,000, which is waaaaay too much to pay to go snowboarding. When you mix in the cost of the board, the pass for the ski resort, the goggles, the coat and pants from the Land’s End catalog and the public humiliation for being both a liar and an idiot, that’s one expensive outing. Find another hobby, Vlad, because you are not going to be confused with Shawn White or Travis Pastrana anytime soon.

- Peanut butter can go on the list of food products that aren't safe to eat. Celery, green onions and mushrooms have been recent additions to the list because of contamination that usually involves E. coli, and now the discovery of salmonella at the ConAgra foods plant in Sylvester, Ga. makes everyone’s favorite sandwich spread the next dangerous food product. All sorts of peanut butter and peanut-butter-related products have now been recalled, but the list of foods that are actually safe to eat is growing shorter and shorter. At this point, unless you grow the food yourself, harvest it yourself and prepare it yourself, your chances of avoiding salmonella or E. coli appear to be slim at best.

- New rule for public officials, both elected and appointed: whatever sex you were when you took your current position, you need to remain that same sex throughout the duration of your term. I shouldn’t have to explain that one, but Steve/Susan Stanton of Largo, Fla. makes it necessary because dude was asking the public to keep him on as city manager even though he plans to undergo a sex-change operation and become a chick. I hate to be harsh, but let me bottom line this: Steve/Susan, you sick freak, sex change operations are about the most disgusting thing you can do. God made you one sex, and you really shouldn’t be having crucial body parts and appendages added or subtracted so you can change over to the opposite sex. That being said, if you really feel the need to do that, don’t do it when you’re in a high-level political position and we all have to be witness to your freakery. Wait til you’re out of office, then do it quietly and start anew somewhere else, somewhere where people won't remember you as once being a man. Of course, I do find it veeeeery compassionate and caring that Pastor Ron Saunders of the Lighthouse Baptist Church in Largo told Stusan, “If Jesus was here tonight, he’d want you terminated. Make no mistake about it.” Now that’s the kind of Christian love I like to see, play the, “Jesus wants bad things to happen to people who make questionable choices” card. Call me crazy, pastor, but I think maybe Jesus would view Stusan with a more compassionate eye and not wish for him to be fired and run out of town despite a morally wrong choice. None of that changes the fact that Stusan is a freak, though, and he/she is not someone that the people of Largo wish to have as their city manager any longer.

- Take heart, ye citizens devastated by Hurricane Katrina and still with your lives in shambles more than a year and a half later, the government finally realizes how slow it has been in providing the assistance it promised! Yes, you may have been saying for months and months that you’re not receiving the aid and support you need, and FEMA may have f’ed up badly, failed to help you and made life miserable, but be encouraged because the Chief Idiot, our beleaguered leader W., told New Orleans city officials that he realizes help has been slow in coming and that he “wants to know the frustrations.” Well, I hope that makes it all better, the bold promise to….hear your complaints. Not to fix them, rectify the mistakes or provide actual assistance, but to hear your frustrations. Well, at least these words came in expedient fashion, a mere 18 months or so after the disaster. That kind of speed and promptness should instill a sense of pride in every American and give Gulf Coast residents hope that their region will be rebuilt and will return to glory….in 2027.

- Good to see that students at Columbine High School are still mindful of the tragedy that happened at the school in 1999, when the deadliest school shooting in U.S. history took place. By mindful, I mean that some tool, maybe a student or maybe just some joker in the community, phoned in a bomb threat to CHS Thursday. Bomb threats are always lame and always totally out of line, but you’d think people who lived through such a major tragedy might have a little more sensitivity to this type of thing. But then again, maybe not. Police report that this was the 10^th threat of violence against the school since the shootings, proving that to some twisted freaks, even the massive loss of human life isn't cause enough to stop acting like brain-dead idiots.

- Speaking of governmental efficiency and effectiveness….you can always count on the federal government, so long as you aren't counting on it to do things in a timely or ethical fashion. The Government Accountability office announced that the government (yes, the government evaluating the government, I realize how unbelievably illogical that is) has missed not one, not two, but thirty-freaking-four Congressionally imposed deadlines for requiring energy-efficiency standards on items ranging from home appliances to power transformers. Now that is focus and dedication at it’s finest. Anyone can fail to meet a few deadlines, but to miss 34 of them, you really have to be at the top of your game. Thankfully, those nearly three-dozen failures haven't negatively impacted anyone el-………oh wait, you mean that the result has been that consumers and corporations have had to pay tens of billions of dollars more for energy? Oh. Well, as evidenced by the previous story about the uber-slow hurricane relief, I’m sure that this matter will be addressed in a prompt, direct fashion.

- Nobody likes a welcher. If you lose a bet, pay up. That near universal rule is an important one when it comes to wagering, as it speaks to the integrity and character of those involved. Of course, lumping integrity and character in with gamblers is an oxymoron of the highest degree, but you do need to pay your debts when you wager. That being said, I think we can all agree that not paying up on the following bet is the right move. An unidentified Pakistani man who lost a poker bet to his friend Lal Heider some 15 years ago never made good on his bet. What did this anonymous Pakistani lose in the bet? Oh, just his then two-year-old daughter, Rasheeda. Yes, you read right, this degenerate bet his own daughter. Heider told his friend that if he won the bet, his $151 debt would be forgiven, but if he lost, he lost little Rasheeda. Now fast forward to the present, where our anonymous gambler has passed away but Lal Heider is still trying to collect on the bet. Rasheeda, now 17, is not surprisingly fighting to keep from going into Heider’s custody and has gone to court to stop it from happening. Hard to absolve anyone of fault here, with the exception of Rasheeda. She was an infant at the time of the bet and I don’t think she really would’ve been able to voice opposition to being put up in a bet. But how exactly do you bet your own kid? In what universe is that acceptable? I suppose it beats the ritual in ancient times of people who sacrificed their children to a pagan god by fire, but that’s not saying much. Worse, however, is Heider, who is still trying to force this teenage girl to honor her father’s bet and go into his custody. Color me cynical, but a middle-aged dude pushing hard to get his hands on a teenage girl…..I hate to say this, but it sure looks like Heider might have some questionable motives. I’m not a mind reader, nor do I want to allege what our buddy Lal might be thinking (SEX), but if I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s after Rasheeda for shady reasons (SEX, SEX, SEX). All in all, proof positive that in some bets, no one wins.