- Hello, America. You’re FAT. That message is harsh, but
it’s true and extremely necessary. The same came be said for the not-so-sutble
reminder an obese Utah woman received recently when she visited a local
amusement park and was informed by the filthy carney running one of the rides
that she was too FAT to ride. The West Valley City woman headed to the Lagoon theme
park near Farmington and tried to board a ride called “The Bat.” Unfortunately,
Mary McBroon has not been able to push away from the buffet table often enough
or find five minutes to bang out a few crunches or push-ups and the ride’s
safety features made it impossible for her to get on board. According to
McBroon, the chest restraint fit her just fine but not the lap belt. The
frazzled carney called a co-workers for help wedging McBroon into her seat, but
she said it quickly became uncomfortable. “He just said ‘I’m sorry, it’s just
not gonna work.’ The girl then said ‘yeah it will, I’ve helped bigger people,” McBroon
said. “I went to guest services, explained I was too fat for the rides and got
a refund. The whole experience was just mortifying and disappointing.” She left
the park and is somehow angry at the park because it wasn’t explicit enough in
making it known before her visit that grossly obese people may not be able to
ride all of the park’s rides. “I understand,” says McBroon. “But couldn’t they
have said, ‘hey did you read the sign?’ ‘Did you read the disclaimer.’ That
would have been much better and more discreet.” Sorry lady, but there is no
discreet was to tell someone they are too FAT to ride a roller coaster. The
only mistake the park made was backing down or issuing any sort of apology when
clearly, all of the blame goes on the FAT person in question. “We’re sorry for
any embarrassment or discomfort this lady experienced, we’re not in that
business. We’re in the fun business,” said Dick Andrew, vice president of marketing
at Lagoon. According to park officials, their rides are designed for 95 percent
of the population, but there are several that have larger seats for bigger
customers. Lagoon’s website even spells out the reality that safety
restrictions mean guests with unusual/ginormous body proportions may not be
able to ride some rides. Losing weight is always an option and one these
chunkers may want to explore……..
- America may not possess the level of space dominance it
once did, but it will be a 155-degree day in Saskatchewan before the United
States is not more of a presence in the great beyond than America’s Hat, a.k.a.
Canada. The Obama administration has drastically reduced NASA’s budget to the
point where hitching a ride with the Russians at $60 million an astronaut seems
like a viable option, but when the maple syrup chuggers to the north need to
get equipment into space, they still turn to the good ol’ U.S. of A. See the Canadian Space Agency initiating talks to
launch a rover beyond Earth orbit aboard NASA's huge new deep space rocket if
you have any doubts about this fact. According to CSA's Gilles Leclerc, a
senior Canadian official, Canada recently unveiled seven rover prototypes that cost
a total of $60 million and a few of those rovers have even been field tested.
Furthermore, these field-tested rovers have included work with NASA and have
impressed officials with the U.S. space agency, according to Leclerc. Having
put in their work and done their due diligence, CSA and NASA are reportedly considering
flying a rover on the latter’s Space Launch System (SLS) rocket, which is
slated to become operational in the early 2020s. Next week’s U.S. presidential
election could throw a wrench in these plans because four more years of Obama
would likely be four more bad years for NASA funding. And yes, that means Newt
Gingrich’s moon colony is still very much in danger………
- Carly Rae Jepsen and Owl City's Adam Young crafted the poppy,
over-produced, talent-free exercise in Top 40 excess that is “Always a Good
Time” and it became one of the mindless songs of the summer and helped elevate
sales of Owl City’s “The Midsummer Station” album. How funny would it be if the
song were stolen from some anonymous scrub who received none of the rewards for
penning a horrifically bad song that struck a chord with the tone-deaf masses?
Such is the claim from someone named Allyson Nichole Burnett, an Alabama-based
singer and songwriter who authored the 2010 song, "Ah, It's a Love
Song." Burnett has filed a lawsuit California federal court against
Jepsen, Young and several publishing companies, alleging copyright infringement.
The lawsuit alleges that Young, Matt Thiessen and Brian Lee copied a prominent
motif of her song to create “Good Time,” which was released in June and reached
No. 8 on the Billboard Hot 100. It was also played repeatedly during NBC's
broadcast of the 2012 Summer Olympics and was used as a soundtrack inclusion for TV shows such as
"90210," "Parks and Recreation" and "The Office."
Song-theft lawsuits are not uncommon, but this one is different because it is
rife with details about musicology and contains other idiosyncrasies. The suit references
a hook in Burnett's song that is labeled a "unique vocal motif" that
is repeated throughout the song and "has a catchy pop vibe that both draws
people in and sticks in people's heads." The latter part of that
description seems highly subjective and psychologically based, making it more
difficult to prove in court. Burnett’s version of the song appeared on her
totally-ignored 2010 album "The Takeover" and has been licensed to
MTV for the shows "The Hills" and "Friendzone." In its
wealth of page space, the lawsuit claims: "Defendants' extensive access to
'Love Song' is sufficient to trigger the 'inverse ration rule,' whereby a
reduced standard of proof of substantial similarity is required when a high
degree of access is shown. However, the substantial similarity between the
Original Motif and the Copied Motif... is striking under any standard of
proof." It goes on to lay out chord structures and progressions, detailing
how Burnett's song is in the key of F while "Good Time" is in the key
of E flat, but Burnett’s attorneys insist in the filing that other key features
are similar, including an identical pitch sequence (5-3-5-3-2), melodic contour
(down, up, down, down), rhythmic construction (8th rest, 8th note, 8th note,
8th note, 8th note, 8th rest, quarter note) and timbre (textless vocals). If
Burnett hopes to win the lawsuit, she probably should do everything within her
power to make sure the court doesn’t find out that she sometimes performs as
Ally "Cupcake" Burnett because while the American legal system is a
complete joke in many senses, people who rock the nickname “Cupcake” are
generally not taken all that seriously in a court of law……
- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Turkey hasn’t calmed down and its
angry secularists
aren't backing down despite the continued show of force by the country’s
oppressive government. The battle continued Monday when Turkish police fired
tear gas and water cannon to disperse thousands of protesting at a banned rally
in the capital city of Ankara. A mass of chanting men and women draped in
Turkish flags and carrying banners portraying the country's founding father
Mustafa Kemal Ataturk showed up to voice their opposition to The Man and riot
police were having none of it. Increasingly authoritarian actions from an
Islamist government are a reason to riot and the showdown highlighted the
continued division in Turkish society between staunch secularists and more conservative
religious Turks. Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan won a third term in power last
year with 50 percent of the vote, but secular Turks are adamant about forcing
he and his socially conservative AK Party from power and ridding Turkey of its Islamist
tendencies that threaten the secular republic founded by Ataturk. Protestors –
before they were tear gassed, of course – expressed concern that Erdogan’s
regime is turning their country into another Iran or some kind of neo-Ottoman
Empire. It was the local government in Ankara, also controlled by Erdogan's AK
Party, that banned the rally citing "intelligence" it would be used
for "provocation." Protestors smartly saw through the lie being used
in an attempt to silence government opponents and showed up to riot anyhow. These
flag-waving patriots gathered outside the old parliament building in the city
center to try to march to Ataturk's mausoleum to mark the 89th anniversary of
the founding of the Turkish Republic in 1923. "Resign government! Damn you
Tayyip!" the crowd chanted. Sadly, the protestors didn’t bring enough
weaponry and were turned away by a barricade of riot police who began firing
tear gas and water cannons into the crowd, drenching a group that included
children and elderly men and women. A few brave souls attempted to storm the
police blockade, but to no avail……….
- Mike Trout has come up just short for a second time. After
the rookie stud who played a stellar center field for the Los Angeles Angels of
Anaheim Near the Coast Adjacent to Newport Beach and led off for a lineup that
came up just short in its push for the postseason, Trout’s number still stood
out. Being a part of a team that spent huge on free agents and trades but could
not make the playoffs had to sting, even with Trout hitting .326 with 30 home
runs and stealing 49 bases even though he wasn’t called up to the majors until
one month into the season. Because Detroit’s Miguel Cabrera won batting’s
Triple Crown, the first player to win it since Carl Yastrzemski in 1967, Trout’s
chances to win the American League MVP award are not as high as they should be.
Still, his long list of highlight-reel catches and outstanding plays in the
outfield had to make him the favorite for a Gold Glove, right? The award that
recognizes fielding excellence has to go to the best center fielder in the AL,
right? Umm….no. Trout had his Gold Glove ripped from him by Baltimore
center fielder Adam Jones, who was one of three winners for the Orioles, who
also grabbed one of the two wild-card spots that eluded Trout’s Angels. Ironically,
one of Trout’s best catches came at Baltimore’s Camden Yards in June, when he
robbed Gold Glove-winning shortstop J.J. Hardy’s bid for a game-changing home
run by bringing it back from over the fence. Trout brought several home runs
back during the year, but was stoned when the first major awards of the
offseason were announced. Major League Baseball feebly attempts to prolong its
moment in the sun by announcing one award per day for what seems like four
straight weeks and when the AL MVP is announced in the near future,
Trout will get stiffed all over again………
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