The case of North Face v. South Butt, Delonte West is freaking scaring me and Google Wave about to wash over us

- It would seem tat apparel maker North Face does not have much of a sense of humor, corporate-wise. The company is none too happy with Jimmy Winkelmann, a University of Missouri freshman who created a new clothing line called South Butt, with a logo and name that are obviously clever pokes at North Face, which manufactures, shirts, jackets, shorts and other clothing items. Winkelmann’s South Butt clothes are sold at the Ladue Pharmacy in his hometown of St. Louis, but if North Face has anything to say about it, they won't be there for long. Jim Winkelmann, Jimmy Winkelmann’s father, said that North Face sent a letter asking his son's South Butt line to "immediately" stop production. "We don't understand why they were taking this aggressive posture," Jim Winkleman mused. According to the letter, North Face’s grievance is with the younger Winkelmann’s use of the half-dome design that it has made famous as its logo. On South Butt merchandise, the half-dome is flipped upside down, but North Face doesn’t seem to see the humor. Winkelmann’s attorney, Albert Watkins, stated this week that he attempted to resolve the matter with North Face’s lawyers, but to no avail. "I did try to explain with a great deal of candor to counsel for the North Face that the general public is aware of the difference between a face and a butt,” Watkins humorously recalled. Ironically, Winkelmann's dad says the whole idea behind his son's creation is to offer customers an alternative to North Face’s soul-less corporatism. Jimmy Winkelman admitted that he was nervous at first when North Face came after his company, but now he relishes the attention his merchandise is getting and the fact that it could boost sales. For the time being, the clothing will continue to be sold, which is good on several levels. First, I think this is a clever concept and although I personally wouldn’t want to wear any South Butt gear, I can see where some people might. Second, this has the potential to lead to one of the funniest-named court cases ever: North Face v. the South Butt. Say what you will about Jimmy Winkelman, but don’t tell me you wouldn’t laugh for a good 10-20 seconds at least if you saw “South Butt defeats North Face in landmark case” as a headline……………

- They have not have won a World Series title in nearly two decades, but no franchise in Major League Baseball is deserving of more respect on an annual basis than the Minnesota Twins. For those unfamiliar with the economics of baseball, let’s just say that there is no salary cap and teams like the New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox and Los Angeles Dodgers, all based in major media markets, have infinitely more revenue and bigger budgets than small-market teams like the Twins. This year, Minnesota boasts a payroll of $65.2 million, less than a third of the $201 million the Yankees are paying their bloated, bought roster of all-stars. So the Twins can't sign prime free agents in the offseason and more often than not, they must watch their own elite players leave in free agency when their contracts are up because they simply don’t have the resources to hand out absurd free-agent deals like the Yankees do. In spite of that, the Twins are ridiculously competitive on a yearly basis with rosters filled with cast-offs from other teams, scrappy overachievers and homegrown talent. This year, they overcame an injury to MVP candidate Justin Morneau and missing all-stat catcher Joe Mauer for more than a month during the season because of a knee injury and have battled right back into the AL Central race, currently residing just two games behind the front-running Detroit Tigers. Last year, they were in a similar position and ran down the Chicago White Sox to force a one-game playoff for the division that the Sox ultimately won. They’ve won the division four times in the past seven season, even as their chief rivals outspent them. Manager Ron Gardenhire is a fiery leader who is beloved by his players. They know he always has their backs and will fight for them to the end, an attitude that permeates throughout the clubhouse. Another advantage the Twins always have working for there is their stadium, the infamous Metrodome. With its off-white roof, the dome presents incredibly difficult challenges for opposing players trying to pick up fly balls hit up near the roof. The Twins’ outfielders are adept at doing so because they play 81 games a year there. Also, the hard-as-a-rock playing surfance underneath the Metrodome’s Field Turf artificial grass allows the Twins to absolutely kill teams with multiple-hop base hits on balls that would be fielded easily on natural grass fields. Now, those Metrodome advantages will be gone after this season as the team moves to Target Field, a new outdoor stadium being built in downtown Minneapolis, but the other advantages of coaching, organizational excellence and toughness will still be there. So whether the Twins chase down the Tigers and win the division this year or not, their great pursuit and the toughness showed all season long will only bolster their stellar reputation around Major League Baseball and with knowledgeable fans of the game around the world……..

- Who to oppose here, who to oppose, despise and mock? On the one hand, I hate the American Civil Liberties Union because they basically seem to go around defending the rights of deviants, troublemakers and problem-causers and revel in stirring up dissent in defending those who quite frankly should not be defended at all. On the other hand, you all know my fierce despisal of The Man and especially when The Man tries to go all Big Brother and invade the private lives of Joe Citizen. So with the ACLU pitted against the city of Sacramento in its plan to install surveillance cameras throughout the city. The ACLU is taking the stance that the cameras are an invasion of privacy and may open the door to racial profiling. As for the first charge, I might be able to get with the idea that the cameras invade privacy. Where do you put them, how much can they see and are they strictly limited to non-invasive, public places are all valid questions. As for the racial profiling angle…..that’s typical ACLU bullsh*t. They will pick up the minority angle any time then can and bang that drum even if racism has no correlation to the issue at all. What, are there going to be special cameras that are rigged to follow only black people as they move around the city? Will there be special software installed on the cameras and the system that set off alarms when Hispanic people appear on camera? The race claim is so ridiculous that it basically invalidates the ACLU’s claim right off the bat. The agency points to a recent study which found that police in a city with 1 million surveillance cameras, only 1,000 crimes in 2008 were solved using closed circuit television. The ACLU’s argument is that instead of putting up cameras, the $615,000 grant from Homeland Security should be used to put more police officers on the street. "If you're walking down the street and somebody is thinking about mugging you, crooks are not stupid, they can see the camera," said ACLU Chairman Jim Updegraff. "They are not going to assault you, they will wait until you get to the next corner where there is no camera, then you get assaulted.” Perhaps there could be a camera on the next corner or police patrolling in areas where there aren’t cameras? But I hate the ACLU for putting me in a position where I’m almost defending law enforcement, because I hate that. However, the fact that I disagree with the Sacramento Police Department’s claim that putting up cameras will not infringe on people's rights, so no worries. "You can go online look around the world, there are surveillance cameras monitoring major cities and major iconic places like Tiananmen Square, so cameras are everywhere," said Sacramento police Sgt. Norm Leong. Umm, you probably don’t want to cite any tactic the Chinese government uses to control its citizenry as justification for your own actions, Norm. The Chinese government isn't generally considered a fair, forward-thinking group that makes the right choices in protecting and serving its people. Having taken in the arguments from both sides, I suppose my verdict is…..that we lock the two groups in a small, dark room and…..that’s it. Just lock them in that room, let them do what they want to one another and we don’t have to put up with either of them…………

- Who’s ready to ride the wave? For months now, we’ve been hearing about how Google Wave is going to revolutionize online communication, so now that the product is in the hands of 100,000 beta testers as of today, we’ll see how legit it is. Wave combines e-mail, chat, Wiki documents, blogs and photo-sharing sites to create a form of Internet communication called a "hosted conversation," or a "wave." Google debuted the product at the Google I/O developer conference in San Francisco, California, in May. The invitation-only group of beta testers will be looking to identify and bugs in the application so that Google can release it to the general public by the end of the year. The creators of Google Wave are familiar faces to Google and its users: Jens and Lars Rasmussen, the Australian brothers who developed Google Maps. These two have high ambitions for their new creation, as they have openly stated their hope that Google Wave will eventually replace e-mail as the main way people converse online. "This should be something everybody uses and something everybody knows," Jens Rasmussen said. Hmmm…..no. I’m not sold on Wave yet and don’t really need everything lumped into one ginormous application. Sure, e-mail-like communications can be edited by several users simultaneously in Wave and users can chat about certain sections of documents in real time, but not everyone has a need for that. So Brothers Rasmussen, I appreciate the effort to make online communication more efficient and collaborative, but your implication that email is basically snail mail for computers is off base. "We really have a much too strong tendency to just take things we know and just adapt them to the digital world," Jens Rasmussen said. My suspicion is that the concerns that the app may be too complicated for mainstream Web users are on point and that this thing will take a long time, if ever, to be accepted beyond a small group of niche users………….

- When Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West was pulled over a couple weeks ago in Maryland for cutting off a cop on his three-wheeled Can-Am Spyder motorcycle and was discovered to be packing a .357 Magnum, 9mm handgun and a shotgun in a guitar case, the reaction against him was swift and strong. People viewed him as yet another gun-toting athlete who was trying to act like a gangsta. The reality behind that incident appears to be rooted much deeper in West’s troubled psyche. This is a cat who has a lifelong history of mood disorders and depression. He took 10 days off during training camp last year to seek treatment for these problems and speculation is that he may have been off his medications at the time of the gun incident. At the Cavaliers’ media day Monday, West was in attendance but didn’t want to discuss the incident other than to say he was back on his meds and doing fine. However, he’s missed the team’s first four practices over the past two days, all of which have been unexcused absences according to the team. All the Cavaliers will confirm is that West is in Cleveland and not in any immediate danger. Still, this is a scary situation that doesn’t appear to be getting better. A troubled dude who is taking mood stabilizers, going on and off of his meds and messing around with multiple guns is not good. If he’s struggling this much in the offseason, how is West going to handle the pressures that come with being a key component of a team that is considered a championship contender for the upcoming season? At this point it’s not clear when West might return to the team, but I am among those hoping he will take whatever time he needs to seek professional help, address his mental problems and get himself back on solid footing. Basketball is great and earning a living as an NBA star is the dream of millions, but it’s not worth it if it pushes you to the point that you are going to do something harmful to yourself or others. As much as Cleveland fans are starved for a championship, I don’t think any Cavaliers fan in his or her right mind would want to see West push himself back onto the court if it’s going to lead to disaster for the guy off the court. So best wishes to Delonte and his family during this time, do what you need to do to get right and basketball can wait until you do that…………

Heroes stumbles in Season 4, Week 2, reasons not to emulate the Oakland Raiders and a former Peruvian leader on trial #4 in a year

- The same problems that plagued Season 3 of Heroes are predictably still present in Season 4, namely keeping the key characters who have played a big role in the show up til now a part of the action while also integrating new characters into the action. And as often happened last season, last night’s episode of the show did not do a good job of straddling that line. For the second time in two episodes of this season, Mohinder Suresh (played by Sendhil Ramamurthy) was AWOL and not even mentioned in passing. Nathan and Angela Petrelli, Hiro Nakamura and his pal Ando, all in the season premiere, were also absent from this week’s episode. Same goes for Tracy Strauss and Micah, a.k.a. Rebel. So with all of those key pieces having nothing to do with the episode, things focused in on three separate storylines: Peter Petrelli in New York, Matt Parkman in L.A. and Claire Bennet, in college at an unidentified university in Arlington, Virginia. For Peter, life became a bit more litigious when a process server appeared at his apartment door and served him with a lawsuit from a man he allegedly injured during a rescue from a recent bus crash. The plaintiff’s name is William Hooper and Peter’s first reaction is to go to the records department at the hospital where the crash victims were taken and request the records from William Hooper’s visit. That leads to an encounter with a new PWP (person with powers), Emma, a deaf woman whose ability allows her to see sounds in the form of colors (i.e. reds, blues and purples coming from the bows of an upright bass). More on her shortly, but Peter gets the records he’s looking for and finds that Hooper is still at the hospital. When Peter tracks him down, Hooper tells a sad tale of being in New York because his brother just died and coming to his old hometown to reconnect with his past. However, Hooper is not really Hooper, but rather the enigmatic carnival operator known as Samuel (Robert Knepper) who we met last week as he began his quest to find PWP who could help his “family” and recruit them over to his side. The first scenes of the episode show Samuel at the Sullivan Bros. Carnival with his lady friend Lydia, a.k.a. the Tattooed Woman. Samuel gets dressed in a suit, something he admittedly hates, and tells Lydia that he’s headed to visit someone he thinks could be a replacement for his deceased brother Joseph. He then sucks an entire jar full of ink right into his hands, which of course he can then inject into someone and make the ink take whatever form or shape he wants it to. His power, it seems, is controlling the Earth and any element derived directly from it. Dressed and coiffed so he “looks just like everyone else,” off he goes to New York to unfurl his plan. Samuel leaves Peter in the hospital room with the claim that he was, in fact, on that bus and perhaps Peter is so burnt out by working double and triple shifts as a paramedic that he doesn’t even remember those he’s saved. Hours later, Samuel sneaks into Peter’s apartment, uses some of his absorbed ink to inject his likeness into a picture in a newspaper article of the bus crash that Peter has posted on his wall. Upon returning home, Peter takes a closer look at the picture to see if he can spot Samuel and sees the likeness that Samuel himself injected to fool him. A stunned Peter truly believes that Samuel really was on the bus when it crashed. A few more hours later, Peter runs into Samuel on the street and the two have a conversation about Joseph, about Peter’s life as a paramedic and other related topics. Samuel manages to forge something of a bond, enough that Peter opens up to him and tells Samuel that he should go back and visit his childhood home while he’s in town. The two shake hands and little does Peter know that when he does, Samuel uses his power to transfer the ink he absorbed into Peter’s body. During the night, when Peter and his paramedic partner respond to am emergency call, they find a sink hole that, unbeknownst to them, Samuel has caused. He went to visit the home where he grew up, a mansion where his father was a member of the help staff, and asks if he can go inside to look around. The lady of the house curtly informs him that they are having a dinner party and he needs to leave, so apparently Samuel takes great offense, causes the sinkhole and it swallows up the house, killing those inside. When Peter and his partner arrive, Samuel is lurking in the shadows, watching. He uses his power to manipulate the ink he injected into Peter, causing it to form into the shape of the very compass Samuel spent his henchman Edgar to take back from Emile Danko and then Noah Bennet last episode. The compass “tattoo” is on the inside of Peter’s right wrist and it’s spinning out of control, just like the real compass for the brief moment he held it in his hands. So that’s Peter story, which in the very least was not as deadly as Matt Parkman’s awful day out in L.A. On a stakeout of a drug suspect’s house, Parkman and his partner finally receive word that the judge has granted their warrant, allowing them to enter the house. That’s the good news, but the bad news is that Sylar is still haunting Parkman’s mind, taunting him to start using his mind control powers again and also to help Sylar find his body after transforming it into Nathan Petrelli’s body in last season’s finale. With Sylar haunting him, Parkman and his partner search the house and find nothing. Their suspect hides in a closet and tries to shoot Parkman but misses. As Parkman interrogates him and his partner searches the home, Sylar continues to lurk. At one point, the bound-and-tied suspect looks on in confusion as Parkman has a heated argument with Sylar, who only he can see. When Sylar points him in the direction of clues that seem to suggest a much more sinister crime than selling drugs - kidnapping of a child - Parkman finally caves in and uses his power to read the suspect’s mind, but not before brutally beating the suspect to the verge of death. Inside the mind, he finds what he’s looking for. The man’s thoughts lead him to a hidden room under the stairs where Parkman sees the dead body of a young girl. By this time, his partner returns to the main floor of the house and finds the suspect, bloodied and unconscious - maybe even dead. He is horrified and asks Parkman what he’s done. Parkman tells him about the dead girl, but when his partner looks insdie the room under the stairs, there is nothing there. Everything Parkman has seen - the clues, the girl, etc. - haven’t been real, but rather the ghost of Sylar turning Parkman’s own mind control powers against him and making him see things that didn’t exist. Faced with the reality that he’s killed a suspect who is almost certainly innocent, Parkman knows his career is over and jail could well be in his future. Rather than lose it all, he makes the decision to use his powers to force his partner to say that the killing was justified because the suspect attacked him and Parkman was merely coming to his aid. A satisfied Sylar tells Parkman that they are becoming more and more alike and that it’s the first day of the rest of Parkman’s life. In the third stoyrline of the evening, Claire must deal with new friend Gretchen having seen her fling herself from the third-floor dorm room window last week, hit the ground and heal from her wounds in an attempt to figure out whether Claire’s roommate, Annie, actually committed suicide. At first Claire tries avoiding Gretchen and denying it all, but when Claire’s dad Noah comes to visit, the situation takes a twist. Noah/H.R.G. invites Gretchen along to lunch and while there, it becomes clear through veiled, hint-dropping comments that Gretchen now knows Claire’s secret. H.R.G. wants to call in the Haitian to wipe Gretchen’s memory, but Claire prevails upon him to let her handle the situation. Her method is to come clean with Gretchen, trusting her to keep the secret. Claire also asks Gretchen to be her new roommate, perhaps to keep an eye on her. There was actually one scene where H.R.G called Claire and while she talked on the phone, we saw Gretchen sitting alone in Claire’s room, ominous music playing in the background, seemingly setting things up for the Haitian to swoop in and erase her memory. But when Claire ended her call and came back into the room, Grethcen’s memory seemed intact, so maybe the Haitian didn’t do his thing. Now, as for Emma….after her encounter with Peter, in which she sees colors come up from the floor when he coffee mug breaks and realizes something odd is going on, she goes to the doctor. Her doctor suggests she may have something called synesthia in which senses heighten or combine when a person lacks one sense, i.e. hearing. That theory is put to the test when Emma goes to the park - the same one where Peter and Samuel meet and at the same time - and picks up the bow of an upright bass player who is playing for donations in the park. When he takes a break, she picks up his instrument and plays, drawing a large crowd and raucous applause when she finishes. An embarrassed/confused Emma rushes off, leaving Peter to watch her go and wonder what is up with this chick. So that’s it and that’s all for this episode, one that would earn an “I” for incomplete if I had to grade it but should probably get a failing grade because in all honest, it just wasn’t that good and didn’t do enough to build on a solid season premiere from the previous week…………….

- That’ll show ‘em what a legit, total badass you are, pint-sized female rapper Lady Sovereign. This chick’s rhymes and beats were already suspect and her hip-hop cred marginal at best, but spitting in the face of a doorman at a gay bar in Brisbane, Australia isn't exactly going to get her more respect. Yes, beefs with the law and arrests are general good for street cred, but getting liquored up and hocking a loogie in the face of a bouncer at a gay bar doesn’t exactly scream hardened gangsta. The alleged incident took place on first night of Lady Sovreign’s current Australian tour, just hours before she was scheduled to take he mic for her 4:40 p.m. slot on the opening date of the Parklife national festival tour. Sovereign, whose real name is Louise Amanda Harman, had been in Australia for a mere seven hours when she had one or five drinks too many, spit in the face of the doorman and found herself evicted from Beat, a popular gay nightclub in Brisbane's Fortitude Valley. The 5'1" Harman was reportedly hysterical as she was thrown out of the venue and spend the next few hours sitting in a cell at the local jail. She was released in time for her performance, but that didn’t lessen her ire toward The Man for trying to hold her down. "Brisbane police need to go catch some real criminals... what a waste," she Tweeted. "Spitting in someone's face is nasty, but how about a guy dressed up as a girl running at you in the toilets and punching you in the head?” Umm, OK? Not sure if you’re saying that happened to you or you just saw it happen, but my guess is that you were really, really drunk and the alleged punch to the head didn’t happen to anyone at all. Either way, Harman was charged with assault faced the Brisbane Magistrates Court on Saturday morning, where she pleaded guilty to assault and drunk and disorderly charges and was fined $345 and ordered to pay $172 in compensation to the bouncer. Way to ingratiate yourself to the country you’re visiting, L. Sovereign. Nothing like asking people to pay what I’m sure are bloated ticket prices to come see someone who is hammered out of her mind and spitting on the faces of the natives less than eight hours after landing in the country………….

- Normally, saying a college football program conducts its business like an NFL team would be a compliment and a testament to its professionalism, efficiency and high standards. When that comparison likens your program to the Oakland Raiders……well, let’s just say it’s less of a compliment and more of a scathing indictment. You may recall that last month, an Oakland Raiders assistant coach named Randy Hanson accused head coach Tom Cable of sucker punching him during a meeting, a claim Cable and the team later lied about and tried to cover up by saying that Cable merely flipped Hanson out of his chair, causing him to hit his head on a cabinet in the process. That case is still making its way through the legal process and Hanson is now pressing for assault charges, but suffice it to say that regardless of the outcome, University of New Mexico head coach Michael Locksley would do well not to emulate Cable’s example. Of course, someone should have told Locksley that before he (allegedly) punched wide receivers coach Jonathan "J.B." Gerald in the face after a "heated" coaches meeting around 7:15 p.m. on Sept. 20. Unlike Hanson, Gerald cooperated with the police and filed a report the day of the alleged incident. And unlike Cable, Locksley actually admitted his mistake, albeit in a prepared, cookie-cutter statement. "I apologized to Coach Gerald, the coaching staff and our team for my poor judgment," Locksley said. "I would also like to apologize to Lobo fans. Like I remind our players, when mistakes are made, you acknowledge them and deal with the consequences.” The way the fight went down, according to the police report, was that at one point in the meeting Locksley grabbed Gerald by the collar and later, things got heated again. Other coaches attempted to intervene, but Locksley slipped a nice jab in and hit Gerald square in the face, causing a small cut on the inside of his upper lip. An officer who responded to the scene of the incident also noted a scratch to Gerald's left forearm. This comes on the heels of a sexual harassment suit against Locksley by a former secretary in the football office, a suit that is reportedly on the verge of being resolved. Bottom line here: This guy is out of control, clearly has anger and self-control issues and based on his team’s winless on-field performance, Locksley should be looking for a new job by season’s end. Ironically, it was Gerald who has been on leave and missed Saturday's game against New Mexico State University for what the school termed personal issues. Just for the benefit of all involved, I’m going to go ahead and suggest that the entire New Mexico football program stop emulating the Raiders and start conducting themselves with some class and dignity…………..

- Days like today, I sincerely regret that my man Alberto Fujimori is no longer the acting president of Peru. Because while having your country’s former president plead guilty to charges of illegal wiretapping and embezzling government money to bribe politicians and journalists to support his 2000 re-election campaign is cool, having the guilty party as your current head of state is so much better. It’s also nice that a verdict was finally reached in this case, as this was the fourth criminal trial that Fujimori faced since being extradited to Peru from Chile in 2007. The guy had already been through three other trials for completely different offenses, so I’m sure he was tired of seeing the inside of courtrooms. Sentencing will take place tomorrow, but government prosecutor Jose Antonio Pelaez Bardales has asked the court for an eight-year prison sentence and a fine of $1.7 million to be paid to the state, and $1 million to go to victims of the wiretapping. The kicker is that Fujimori lost the election in question after serving as the country’s president from 1990 to 2000. The trial wasn’t much of a trial at all, as Fujimori admitted his guilt with a short "I agree" to the judges, avoiding the spectacle of the 60-plus witnesses the government planned to call to testify against him. The witnesses were set to include former congressmen, authors, journalists, former United Nations officials and presidential candidates, all of whom were to testify about the bribery and wiretaps. The shame in all of this is that Fujimori did a lot of good for Peru, leading the stabilization of the country’s economy and defeating the Shining Path gorrillas, who carried out terrorist attacks. However, dude also had issues with human rights abuses and corruption - namely that he liked to abuse people’s human rights and was notoriously corrupt. That corruption was on display from the time he took office as president in 1990 and allegedly used public funds to set up surveillance centers to intercept phone conversations of people deemed a threat to his rule. That tradition of corruption was something he carried through his entire term in office, bribing members of Peru's congress after the ruling party failed to gain a majority during midterm elections in 2000. That would have been bad enough, but my man Al Fujimori dipped into public funds for the bribe money. Regardless of the sentence that is handed down, he won’t be seeing freedom any time soon - as in the rest of his life. In his first criminal trial, Fujimori was sentenced to six years for breaking into the home of a political rival’s wife to confiscate incriminating videos and in April, he was sentenced to 25 years in prison after being convicted of authorizing the operation of a death squad responsible for killing civilians. The third installment of Fujimori on Trial came in July, when he was sentenced to 7½ years in prison for paying a $15 million bonus to an ally out of the government treasury. Stacked up against that impressive trio, a simple bribery case doesn’t seem nearly as bad………….

- All beware the Floor Mats of Death! If you are the owner of a late-model Toyota or Lexus, you are hereby advised that the floor mats in your whip could well kill you. Both car companies have advised drivers of 3.8 million of their cars to remove floor mats or risk a forced-down accelerator pedal that could lead to a fatal crash. Teaming up with Lexus and Toyota for this uplifting announcement was the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. The trio released a statement Tuesday alerting drivers to the fact that the removable mats could interfere with the pedal and cause it to stick. "A stuck open accelerator pedal may result in very high vehicle speeds and make it difficult to stop the vehicle, which could cause a crash, serious injury or death," the statement declared. I’ve got two words for you on that one: Uh-oh! What’s disturbing is that Toyota recalled accessory all-weather floor mats in 2007 for similar problems, but the NHTSA observed that reports of vehicles accelerating rapidly even after the release of the pedal have continued. This warning applies to drivers of seven different makes of Toyota and Lexus vehicles. One story that helped trigger this warning is a fatal crash involving a family driving a 2009 ES350 loaned by a local Lexus dealer in San Diego, which the car maker admitted could have been caused by an all-weather floor mat interfering with the accelerated pedal because of a faulty mat installation. "There is an urgent matter," said U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood in the NHTSA statement. "For everyone's sake, we strongly urge owners of these vehicles to remove mats or other obstacles that could lead to unintended acceleration." Toyota plans a safety recall soon, but both NHTSA and the automaker warn Toyota and Lexus drivers of certain models to remove that floor mats sooner for safety. So what cars are affected? Here’s the list: the 2007-2010 Camry, 2005-2010 Avalon, 2004-2009 Prius, 2005-2010 Tacoma and 2007-2010 Tundra. The Lexus models are the 2007-2010 ES 350, and the 2006-2010 IS 250 and IS 350. As a quick aside, how nice is it that rich, spoiled people who drive a Lexus are now panicked because something could be very wrong with their cars? Now you know how the rest of us feel, Lexus owners. You’re just like the commoners, having parts of your car recalled and wondering if your ride is all that safe…………..

Saluting Ken Burns, tonight's episode of Greek and Honduras, where oppression is alive and well

- I’m the rare person under the age of 60 who really enjoys the occasional show on PBS. Typically it’s a good episode of This Old House, but for this week it’s Ken Burns' new documentary, The National Parks: America's Best Idea. I admit that part of the allure of this project for me is that I am someone who absolutely loves getting out into national and even state parks and doing some running, enjoying the scenery, etc. However, judging from what I saw in the first installment of the six-part series last night, there is something for most everyone in this documentary. Burns successful highlights the diverse and amazing beauty that makes out 391 national parks so unique and interesting. Considering that the entire system began with just one park, Yellowstone, and built so successfully over the past century-plus is a tribute to the parks system and to those who created it and Burns manages to highlight much of that in this project. On display are the mountains, waterfalls, canyons and seashores that Americans can see simply by making the effort to get in their cars, drive a few hours and use the legs that God gave them to walk around and explore. Heck, because the parks are all technically public land, you even own a piece of them. So on the one hand, I’d encourage you to watch the remaining five episodes of this documentary or track them down on DVD once they come out, hopefully seeing these snow-covered peaks, geysers, rivers of ice, volcanoes, grasslands, bison, moose, bears and eagles will also inspire you to get out and explore. Burns’ also looks to provoke some discussion by raising topics that have been relevant and applicable to the national parks system since it came into existence, arguments like public vs. private, preservation vs. development and use vs. conservation. I saw a recent interview with Burns in which he admitted that his hope is for Americans to be so inspired after seeing his 12-hour documentary that they flock to the national parks in numbers that far exceed the 275 million who visited them last year alone. That sentiment is right on and I second those hopes, so a tip of the cap to Burns and his crew for a job well done…………..

- I’ll admit it, I am absolutely jacked up about the corruption scandals currently sweeping through our nation’s mayoral ranks. It kicked off a few months ago with a massive federal corruption probe in New Jersey that led to the arrest of several mayors, moved on to Connecticut and has now landed in Ecorse, Michigan. That’s where federal agents arrested Ecorse Mayor Herbert Worthy and the city's Controller Erwin Hollenquest on Friday. These two have been charged with conspiracy, bribery and fraud, according to a criminal complaint which alleges that they demanded and accepted things of value in exchange for ensuring that Michigan Municipal Services, LLC would be awarded a multi-million dollar contract to perform public works for the City of Ecorse. And since they were allegedly partners in crime, it’s fitting that Worthy and Hollenquest were arraigned together Friday afternoon in Federal Court. Basically, the criminal complaint paints a picture of these two as your typical greasy, greedy, unethical public officials who took whatever bribes they could get their hands on in exchange for handing out favors. Mayor Worthy allegedly accepted cash payments from the owners of Michigan Municipal Services between November 2007 and December 2008 and Hollenquests is accused of accepting the Lexus automobile. In exchange for those gifts, they allegedly allowed the owners of Michigan Municipal Service to submit false and fraudulently inflated invoices. "These charges are just two examples of corrupt government officials who abuse the public trust and confidence," stated Special Agent in Charge Andrew G. Arena. " Public corruption is a top criminal priority of the FBI and will not be tolerated. This investigation demonstrates the FBI's commitment in investigating public corruption and brings those who betray the public's trust to justice." Hmm…..not quite on the level of douche-baggery exhibited by former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, but a solid effort by Messrs Worthy and Hollenquest nonetheless. Good effort guys, keep on this path and some day you might make it to the big leagues………….

- Traditions were tested on tonight’s edition of Greek. First, Zeta Beta found its role as the top sorority on campus put to the rest. With the Lambda Sigma fraternity putting together its annual calendar featuring the pledge classes of campus sororities, the ZBZ’s were expecting their usual slot in the calendar’s best month, July, and a spot on the cover in festive American flag bathing suits. But when the Lambda Sig’s give the ZBZ’s November instead of July, it forces Zeta Beta to confront some tough truths. Along with the cancellation of two schedules mixers with other fraternities, the pledge class has been having a lackluster run. Despite Casey and Ashleigh trying to rally them, the pledges have fallen into a rut and are mostly sitting around the house, watching TV and acting like lazy bums. Abby, the most vocal of the pledges, seems to be speaking for the group when she continually questions ZBZ leadership and the train seems to be about to come off the tracks. Casey and Rebecca attempt to tell Ashleigh about the pledge class crisis, but she’s still more focused on her on-the-rocks relationship with boyfriend Fisher and Rebecca’s role in that by kissing Fisher at the Kappa Tau “End of the World” party. Thus, she’s still ignoring Rebecca and refusing to talk to her. But Casey gets the message through about the calendar and promises to refocus the pledges and get them to do a kick-ass picture as the girls of November. Her plan doesn’t hold up long, as the unhappy pledges don’t show up for the photo shoot and only Rusty’s girlfriend and ZBZ pledge Jordan comes to explain why. Faced with this challenge, Casey ends up talking to Pan-Hellenic president and frien-emy Katherine about the problem and learns that ZBZ has fallen so much that it’s now the fourth-ranked sorority on campus. Katherine explains that a sinking cumulative GPA, declining philanthropy hours and a run of nonstop scandals are the cause of the decline, but that it’s all part of the cycle for sororities and that every one of them goes through down years from time to time. Casey and Ashleigh dig into ZBZ’s archives and find that the cycle concept is true, with their house having had down years in the late ‘80s. They vow to not let ZBZ have down years on their watch and stage a last-minute photo shoot to get their sexy pilgrims/Indians picture into the calendar. The photo shoot is a success and attracts plenty of attention to the ZBZ front lawn where it takes place, but the picture is too late for the calendar. In its place, the Lambda Sig’s put a picture of the ZBZ logo superimposed over top of a turkey. Thinking the pledges are pissed off by this, Casey and Ashleigh sit at Dobler’s for the party celebrating the calendar’s release thinking that the pledges will no-show again. To their surprise, the pledges not only show up, they show up in their sexy Thanksgiving costumes. Ashleigh is still pissed at Rebecca, although she is at least willing to acknowledge her presence. Still, she blows right past Rebecca for her first “reunion” date with Fisher. Over at the Kappa Tau house, Rusty is dealing with his own romantic issues. His girlfriend Jordan admits to him that she’s drifting in her studies and doesn’t have the same passion for her classes that Rusty has for his major as an engineer. She also asks if everything is OK with them, which causes Rusty to worry. In an attempt to assuage his fears, he decides to engage in a Cyprus-Rhodes tradition and lavaliere Jordan, which basically is some sort of quasi-commitment showing their bond. When Rusty reveals his plans to his fellow Kappa Tau’s, they are…..horrified. It seems that the KT’s, being the “commitment phobes” they are, don’t do much lavaliering and those who have tried saw their attempts end in disaster. Reading from a supposed book of KT history, Cappie tells Rusty a tale of a KT who proposed to his girlfriend at the University of Chicago on Oct. 7, 1871 and the very next day, the legendary fire that nearly burned the entire city to the ground took place. In spite of this, Rusty plows ahead and goes to buy the lavaliere from the on-campus bookstore, which only has one KT lavaliere in stock because as everyone knows, the KT’s don’t do a lot of lavaliering. Rusty asks Beaver to be his lavaliere bearer, i.e. holding onto the item for him until he needs it, but the KT lavaliere curse seems to strike when Beaver accidentally swallows it. Beaver then tries to flush the jewelry out of his system with a high-fiber diet and the help of the pledges who are forced to, um, sift through his waste, but Cappie intervenes and offers Rusty a spare lavaliere he has around and once planned to give to Casey. So Rusty can lavaliere Jordan and is making plans to when she drops a bomb: she’s applied to spend a semester studying abroad. After confirming that she would be allowed to take a semester off from pledging at ZBZ and return, she applies and tells Rusty of her decision. At that point, he’s unsure of how to proceed. Thankfully his ZBZ brothers intervene and kidnap him, looking to prevent him from actually lavaliering Jordan and being in further danger from the curse. Rusty is saran-wrapper to a column on campus, as per the instructions in the KT history book for dealing with the curse, and it’s there that Jordan happens across him after dark. The resulting conversation ends up with Rusty admitting his plans to lavaliere her, Jordan saying that she accepts in spite of wanting to spend a semester abroad and the two sharing a kiss and a happy moment. The moments aren’t so happy for Cappie and Evan after the two former best friends-turned-nemeses-turned-friends bump into each other on campus. Evan is in desperate need of cash because he’s still broke after giving up his trust fund and Cappie points him to an ad for “cater waiters,” serving food at fancy functions. When Evan goes to apply and Cappie tags along, he meets Lana, a hot girl that Cappie of course must have. So Cappie talks himself into a job as well and the two of them help cater a fundraiser, Cappie as bartender and Evan serving food. Throughout the event, Cappie hits on Lana but to no avail. He quits at the end of the night because his only aim was to pick up on her, to which she replies that he could have simply gotten her number from the staff phone list. Evan, on the other hand, looks like he’s found the source of income he needs. All told, a funny episode and not just when Beaver couldn’t tell the difference between bearer (as in lavaliere) and bear. Some good laughs and a fun episode, good times…………

- Honduras: Oppression Lives Here. Not only does the country’s interim government stage military coups to oust elected leaders from power, it’s also apparently in the business of shutting down broadcasters who dare to be dissident and speak out against it. That took place today, as Honduras' coup-installed government silenced two dissident broadcasters on Monday right after it got done ripping civil liberties from its citizens in a supposed effort to prevent an uprising by backers of ousted President Manuel Zelaya. The fist victim of this blatant abuse of power by the government was Radio Globo, which had its offices raided by dozens of soldiers. After that, it was on to Channel 36 television station, which was yanked from the air and left broadcasting only a test pattern. What flimsy excuse is the government hiding behind for this one? Truth be told, they didn’t delve too deep into the “Oppressing Your People 101: Flimsy Excuses for Totalitarian Regimes” handbook, electing to go with the ol’ “right to close news media that attack peace and public order." That was the line of reasoning espoused by Rene Zepeda, a spokesman for the interim government. Zepeda claimed that two outlets had been taken off the air in accordance with a government emergency decree announced late Sunday that limits civil liberties and allows authorities to silence whoever they want, whenever they want and without a legitimate reason. Thankfully Hondurans aren’t taking this lying down and supporters of the deposed presidente marched in the streets Monday in defiance of the emergency order as part of what Zelaya calls a "final offensive" against his ouster on the three-month anniversary of the coup. Still, what strikes me is the nature of these station raids, carried out by literally 200 soldiers in both locations at dawn. The soldiers seized all equipment, storming through the buildings as employees scrambled out emergency exits to escape the raid. For Radio Globo, the drill was a familiar one. Soldiers also raided their station on June 28, the same day Zelaya was ousted. What’s ironic is that up to this point, the interim government has been pointing to the continued operation of Channel 36 and like-minded broadcasters as evidence of its tolerance for pro-Zelaya viewpoints. Now, dictator/ President Roberto Micheletti is yanking civil liberties left and right and issuing ultimatiums to the Brazilian government, which is allowing Zelaya to stay at its embassy in Honduras’ capital city of Tegucigalpa while this mess is resolved. Brazil now has 10 days to turn Zelaya over for arrest or grant him asylum and take him out of Honduras. Should Brazil not comply, the Honduran government hijackers implied that the embassy would become a private office — meaning it could be raided by police. Soldiers are already surrounding the place, so raiding it wouldn’t be that much of a stretch. Keep it up, Honduras, because in no way is this debacle damaging your international rep at all…………

- Life as a Cleveland Browns fan is a miserable existence in any year, but what has to be absolutely killing Browns fans this year is that they could see this disaster coming from way down the tracks. It’s almost like the scene in the first Austin Powers movie where Austin is heading toward a bad guy in a slow-moving steamroller and the bad guy won't move, resulting in crushing death that takes a comedically long time to unfold. This season has been that way for Browns fans, who watched their team fire both its coach and general manager after a lackluster 4-12 season in 2008. Those firings were the absolute right decisions, but the problem is that they mark the last correct decisions the franchise has made. To fill their coaching vacancy, the Browns should have first found a new GM, hired him or her and allowed that GM to find the coach. New England Patriots vice-president of player personnel Scott Pioli was widely viewed as the best available option, but the Browns supposedly balked when he asked for too much organizational control. Pioli found a team not run by morons, the Kansas City Chiefs, and the Browns continued their ass-backwards ways by hiring a coach first, then a GM. That in and of itself would not have spelled disaster if the coach they hired had been someone other than ass hat Eric Mangini, a cryptic, personality-lacking tool who was fired by the New York Jets after last season. Mangini, two seasons into his career as a head coach, had already carved out a rep for being an overbearing taskmaster and a legalistic a-hole who berated and fined players over the most minute, ticky-tack rules (like banning music from the locker room along with cell phones and anything else remotely fun). The Jets fired him and literally no one in the league with a coaching vacancy was interested in him - except the Browns. Just two weeks after being fired by the Jets and even though not one other team’s ownership saw Mangini and said, “Hey, Eric Mangini is available, we gotta get this guy now!,” the Browns and owner Randy Lerner became so enamored with this terrible coach that they snapped him up. Later, the Browns suckered Baltimore Ravens executive George Kokinis into taking their GM job and together with Mangini, he assembled a crap-tacular roster that may actually be worse than the one the Browns sported in 1999, their first year back in the NFL as an expansion team. Mangini inexplicably brought in as many Jets castoffs as possible despite the fact that they a) were second-rate players and not impact guys by any means and b) they were part of an underwhelming 8-8 season last year. So in comes a glut of former Jets, out goes any semblance of fun, personality, skill and talent and into the crapper goes the 2009 season for the Browns. Mangini exacerbated a bad situation by mistakenly believing that when it came to the identity of his starting quarterback for the team’s opening game, he was the director of clandestine missions for the KGB and as such, he must withhold the starter’s identity from the world at all costs. A bad idea because a) everyone knew it was going to be Brady Quinn anyhow, b) the opponent for that game, Minnesota, knew that the offense would be the exact same regardless of whether Quinn or Derek Anderson started and c) any coach dumb and naïve enough to believe that his team would need that sort of asinine tactic in order to win a game has basically admitted his team sucks far too much to win that game anyhow. Predictably, the Browns were waxed 34-20 in that game, suffered a 27-6 shellacking in Denver last week and were utterly decimated in a 34-3 beatdown this week in Baltimore. Add them up and it’s a 95-29 margin, an average of 31.7 ppg against, 9.7 ppg for. That’s neither good nor acceptable and as unthinkable as it might be to consider firing a coach just three games into his tenure, the Browns should absolutely consider it. Players are fighting in the locker room (as happened late last week) and having to be restrained from a full-on brawl by teammates and Mangini is worried about making sure that players always park their cars in their assigned spots at the team’s practice facility (a true story). So not that this is any surprise to you, Browns fans, but this year is going to suck even more for you than most, and for that you have my sympathies…………..

Delusional pet owners, a crack-dealing point guard and who won your CW "show cancellation" office pool

- When the NCAA passed new rules allowing student-athletes to have jobs to earn extra spending money during the school year, I don’t think this is what they had in mind. Binghamton University basketball player Emanuel "Tiki" Mayben took the NCAA up on its offer and found himself a gig - as a crack dealer. Mayben was arrested Wednesday night in his hometown of Troy, N.Y. and charged with selling cocaine twice on June 29 when police found 3.4 grams of cocaine on him. The arrest came as part of a three-month undercover probe of cocaine sales in Troy. At his arraignment Thursday, Mayben pleaded not guilty to possessing and selling cocaine. More than likely, he and his attorney, Greg Cholakis, are looking to work some sort of plea deal with the prosecutor, perhaps to have Mayben roll on others higher up in his operation and name names, but arrests that result from three-month undercover sting operations tend to be more likely to result in the actual guilty parties being arrested, in my untrained legal experience. Not sure this is quite that head coach Kevin Broadus had in mind after his team made its first appearance in the NCAA basketball tournament last year, that his starting point guard would be arrested and revealed as a coke kingpin. "I did all I could," Broadus said. "I tried to help the kid." Hmm, that doesn’t sound like a guy who is all that surprised, no? Of course, one look at Mayben’s illustrious college career raises some major red flags about the type of guy he is. He was recruited by Syracuse University out of high school, but wasn’t smart enough or academically disciplined enough to qualify to play for the Orange. Instead, he began his college career at the University of Massachusetts, where he sat out one season before playing 31 games in the 2006-07 season. He lasted there for all one of year before transferring to Hudson Valley Community College, where he played during the 2007-08 season. In other words, Binghamton was his fourth intended school and the third for which he actually played. I hate to go all cynical on you, but smart, high-character guys don’t jump from one school to another four times in just over three years. On the floor, Mayben was good enough to set a school single-season record for assists at Binghamton, but off the court he clearly is a shady dude. Cholakis’ assertion that he’s never been in trouble before does little to quell my concerns about his character. Don’t confuse never having been convicted of a crime before with being a good guy and an upstanding citizen, counselor. This is merely the latest black eye for the Binghamton program under Broadus. In May of last year, Miladin Kovacevic, who wasn't recruited by Broadus, left a classmate in a coma for several weeks after a barroom brawl in May 2008. Kovacevic jumped bail and fled the country. Then in November, Malik Alvin, a transfer student brought in by Broadus, was charged with stealing condoms from Wal-Mart (I wrote about that one, laughs all around). Call me nuts, but Broadus doesn’t seem to be a good job of bringing in quality guys or policing the less-than-quality guys already on hand………….

- There’s a winner in your office pool for which crappy, low-quality, poorly written and inane CW show about rich, spoiled, famous people living in New York or Southern California will be canceled first and it is…..the person who put his or her money on the Ashton Kutcher-produced series The Beautiful Life! Yes, picking any one of these crap-tacular garbage fests over another is tough, but because the CW can’t get the message that putting hot people on screen with mindless dialogue and absurd plots isn't enough to pull in viewers, it’s a debate we’ll continue having. Beautiful Life, a scripted drama about the world of modeling, is not only the first moronic CW show to be canceled this fall, it’s also the first casualty of the new fall TV season. As a nice tie-in to the previous story, it starred everyone’s favorite coke addict (allegedly), Mischa Barton. But the plug has been pulled and production ahs ceased after the debut episode lost about 60 percent of the audience of its lead-in, America's Next Top Runway Bimbo, and the second episode only attracted 1 million viewers. The real question now is what crappy, low-quality, poorly written and inane show about rich, spoiled, famous people living in New York or Southern California the CW will fill this time slot with and the answer appears to be the revamped Melrose Place, a show also receiving dismal ratings. Reruns of the newest episode of this nightmare of a show will take the place of Beautiful Life, which is akin having a bleeding ulcer replaced by kidney stones. Sure, the CW is far from the only network with new shows bombing out big time, but its shows are just so much worse than nearly everyone else that it’s impossible not to mock them. As for the other networks with shows that will soon be canceled, leaders in that race would seem to be NBC’s Parks and Recreation and ABC’s Accidentally on Purpose. Oh, and I would be remiss if I wrote about crappy TV shows and didn’t rip one of Fox’s lame-tastic reality shows, so here goes: So You Think You Can Dance is registering such lackluster ratings that will probably be relegated back to the summer. So if you are the proud winner of your office pool by virtue of picking The Beautiful Life, I salute you. If you picked another CW show, I recognize you for a valiant effort. If you picked another show on a non-CW network…….you are a moron……………

- Few groups are more deserving of loathing and incessant mockery in our society that overzealous, out-of-touch-with-reality dog owners. I love dogs, I had a dog growing up that was amazing and a great friend to the family, but he was not, as you dog kooks out there would like to believe, a child or an actual family member on par with the humans in our family. If you believe that, then you don’t have any friends and you are a pathetic loser. Get out, meet people and interect with your fellow humans, you loser. It is against that backdrop that this next story is set. Pet food company All American Pet Brands is holding its Cutest Dog Competition, asking dog owners to submit photos of their adorable dogs to the contest's Web site. So far, over 60,000 people have uploaded pictures and visitors to the site can vote for their favorite pooch. "It's a fraternity or sorority with people who don't just have pets, these are their family members, their best friends," said All American Pet Brands CEO Barry Schwartz. Allow me to translate from bullshit-ese for my man Barry: We found a way to squeeze some pub and business out of these pathetic losers and we’re milking every last drop from this. But the contest itself isn't the real debacle here; no, that comes courtesy of one particularly loathsome entrants to this contest, New Orleans piano teacher Cara McCool. Allow me to sat that McCool’s plan to win the contest and use the $1 million prize for New Orleans recovery efforts is admirable. New Orleans is still struggling to recover from Hurricane Katrina and people don’t fully realize that fact. However, McCool acting like some great injustice has been perpetrated against her simply because her dog, Mozart, has been bumped from the first-place spot in the contest by Stephen Colbert el dos, a Pomeranian Chihuahua mixed-breed puppy from Atlanta, Georgia. As you might have guessed, Stephen Colbert el dos is named after Stephen Colbert, the best fake newsman on television. "It's just coming out of nowhere," McCool said. "It's just unfortunate. MoMo is named after a famous person too, but he's dead." Oh shut up, you wench. I already hate you for that comment, but there’s more. "He's my furry child," McCool explained. "Sometimes I pull up chairs for him to sit next to me when I play or teach. He has been known to jump on the bench and actually has put his paws on the keys.” Wow….you are a ginormous, pathetic loser. THE DOG IS NOT YOUR CHILD. THE DOG IS NOT HUMAN. YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS AND NO ONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU IF YOU ARE TALKING LIKE THAT. I hate to go with the all caps, but McCool left me no choice. It also needs to be pointed out that Stephen Colbert el dos is not owned by the actual Stephen Colbert, although fan sites have speculated that Colbert el dos will appear on "The Colbert Report" if he makes the top 12, but the show will not confirm those reports. Either way, Colbert el dos should benefit from the famous “Colbert bump,” which Colbert claims is given to candidates, products and other entities he endorses. He himself has won a contest to have NASA name a room in the International Space Station for him, although NASA doubled back and instead of naming the room in his honor, the agency sent a treadmill to space with his name on it instead. As for the pathetic loser/owners contest, er, Cutest Dog Contest, the winner will be announced on Thanksgiving Day, so you have until then to vote…………

- Animation ruled at the box office for the second straight weekend as Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs earned $24.6 million worth of tickets and falling off a minuscule 19 percent from the previous weekend to win the top spot yet again. That take brings the film’s total gross to $60 million, not a bad tally at all. Coming in a distant second was a Bruce Willis movie that has gotten surprisingly little buzz, positive or negative, Surrogates, which opened with $15 million. The movie stars Willis as an FBI agent in a futuristic world where people can enter and live through the bodies of others. Willis is curiously absent from much of the movie’s marketing, including an odd poster campaign that featured human-robot hybrids in seductive poses. In third was a recycled version of Fame, which did better than it probably should have in making $10 million despite a solid veteran cast featuring names like Megan Mullally and Kelsey Grammer. Following those three up on the earnings list was The Informant!, which had an underwhelming debut last weekend but dropped off just 34 percent this time around and earned $6.9 million for a fourth-place finish. Sadly, also lingering in the top five was Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself, a movie I could not think less of and will be glad to see just go away. There were also some new releases that enjoyed mixed results, as the outer space thriller Pandorum earned just $4.4 million from 2,506 theaters for a lame-tastic per-screen average of $1,758. By contrast, Michael Moore’s Capitalism: A Love Story generated a whopping $240,000 from just four theaters for $60,000 per-screen average—the year’s best so far. A movie that you’ve undoubtedly never heard of, the Audrey Tautou period biopic Coco Before Chanel, grossed $177,000 at 5 location for a $35,400 average. Lastly, all fans of The Office out there should be happy that one of the show’s stars, John Krasinski, pulled in $20,600 at a single screen with his directorial debut, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men. The last movie of note to talk about is a movie that hit the promotional hammer hard over the weekend, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, which earned a decent $369,000 from 120 theaters. So while having an animated family movie as the top earner for a second straight weekend might seem like a negative development for the cinematic world, just know that it could be worse and temper your complaints accordingly……………

- I’m still deciding whether or not to be pissed at the World Wildlife Fund for ripping the WWF acronym from World Wrestling Entertainment (formerly World Wrestling Federation) about a decade ago, but I’ll set aside my possible hostilities and enjoy the news that the organization has announced that some 163 new species discovered last year in the Greater Mekong region of southeast Asia, including a frog that eats birds and a gecko with leopard stripes. Plants dominate the list, tallying 100 of the 163 spots, with the rest breaking down thusly: 28 fish, 18 reptiles, 14 amphibians, two mammals and one bird species. These 163 new species further highlight the wealth of biodiversity in the region, said Barney Long, head of the WWF's Asian Species Conservation program. "It's a melting pot of diverse habitats. It has some of the wettest forests on the planet, high mountains, and a diverse array of terrestrial and marine habitats, including the Mekong River," he said. "We continue to find new species of fish, primates and mammals, and nowhere else compares to the amount of large mammals that have been discovered in the region. It shows how little we know about species in the region. From a biodiversity perspective, there are still huge amounts to discover about region." For the geographically ignorant among you, the Greater Mekong consists of the countries through which the Mekong River flows: Cambodia, Laos, Myanmar, Thailand, Vietnam and Yunnan Province of China. I know, I know, it’s extremely ironic that any region including the world’s worst polluter, China, would also be celebrated for its biodiversity. But a big reason for that diversity is the fact that the Greater Mekong has more protected spaces than anywhere else on mainland Asia. That’s why it’s home to new species like the colorful Cat Ba leopard gecko of northern Vietnam, with its large, orange-brown "catlike eyes" and a body of leopard stripes. This curious creature was discovered on Cat Ba Island, the largest of 366 islands in Cat Ba Archipelago and home to many rare species that can only be found on the island, including Limnonectes megastomias -- a fanged frog with an appetite for other frogs, insects and birds. Who knows, not that some of the war and unrest in the region - albeit a very limited portion - have simmered down a bit, scientific exploration could turn up even more new species in the months ahead. With all of the negative environmental news coming at you every day, hearing about new species and biodiversity should be a nice pick-me-up experience, glad I could help………….

The inevitable demise of KFC's health food hopes, a tumultuous college football Saturday and Dustin Diamond tries to start a fight with me

- Hear that? It’s the sound of inevitability. Just as that train was a comin’ down the tracks at Keanu Reeves in the first Matrix movie and nothing could stop it, what I’m about to tell you was also inevitable. For years and years, Kentucky Fried Chicken, a.k.a. KFC, has made it bones selling greasy, fatty fried chicken to customers. Sure, they’ve thrown in buttery biscuits, crappy green beans, corn slathered in butter and dry mashed potatoes, but the fried chicken has always been the heart of the operation. Well, now that America is the FAT-test nation on the planet and looking to reverse its unhealthy ways, KFC attempted to jump on board with its new grilled chicken. The idea was obviously to cash in on the healthy-eating movement, but denying who you are never works and let’s face it, KFC is not a health-conscious establishment. As such, it was inevitable that a national health advocacy group would file a lawsuit against KFC in San Francisco Superior Court, saying the company must post warning signs because its grilled chicken sandwiches contain carcinogens - Uh oh! According to the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, a Washington, D.C.-based group that promotes veganism, KFC's grilled chicken contains a cancer-causing chemical known as PhIP, part of a chemical grouping that has been linked to several types of cancer. Set aside for a minute that I’m no fan of vigilant vegan kooks who run like banshees from any animal products, because I do despise those fools. However, I have to wonder if there is any truth in the allegations. Now let’s not be foolish; I don’t believe that even if there are these carcinogens in these sandos that you would be drastically affected unless you ate like four of them a day for the rest of your life. As you’d exepct, the suits at KFC are dismissing the RCPM’s claims out of hand with gusto. In a statement, a KFC spokesman dismissed the suit as part of PCRM's "vegetarian agenda." Whether that’s true or not…..I’ll allow you to judge for yourself, but know that the PCRM commissioned independent lab studies of grilled - no fried - breasts, wings, drumsticks and thighs from 12 Bay Area (California) KFC restaurants and reports that every single sample contained PhIP. Based on those findings, the group is demanding that KFC be up front with people about the true health value (or capacity for harm) of its grilled chicken sandos. The complaint filed Wednesday morning alleges that KFC is violating the California Safe Drinking Water and Toxic Enforcement Act of 1986, commonly known as Proposition 65. Basically, the law requires businesses to notify patrons if significant amounts of cancer-causing chemicals may be present at the business or in its products. KFC’s response to these claims is that PhIP is "a natural byproduct of grilling chicken" and that it is in full compliance with the law. So for those of you who held out hope that the culinary tiger could change its unhealthy stripes, looks like you may have to pin your hopes elsewhere…………..

- Who’s going to be left in the top 10? That’s what most college football fans were thinking as the dust settled on the fourth weekend of the season. After fourth-ranked Mississippi proved how much they didn’t belong among the nation’s elite by dropping a 16-10 stink bomb at South Carolina Thursday night, three more top 10 teams made Ole Miss look not as bad by dropping even bigger turds in big games. Actually, that’s not totally fair. Fifth-ranked Penn State played a solid Iowa team at home and lost a 21-10 decision that was closer than the score indicates, so I won't lump them in with these next two teams. California and Miami…..wow. Just wow. Hope you are both very ashamed of yourselves; I know I am, and I didn’t attend either school, nor do I have any ties to either program. But No. 6 Cal and No. 9 Miami came into their games undefeated and riding high, both angling to get into the national title picture. Losing 42-3 (Cal on the road in Oregon) and 31-7 (Miami on the road at Virginia Tech) won't exactly accomplish that. While Cal played in good weather on the West Coast and Miami played in shi**y weather on the East Coast, the bottom line is that both teams were embarrassed by conference foes and didn’t really bother to show up. Cal had a matchup with USC on the horizon, but that game has lost all of its luster after the Golden Bears had their pants pulled down in Eugene by the Ducks. Miami showed that while it is much better this year, it’s not nearly back to being an elite program after several down years. Elsewhere, the Mississippi State Bulldogs had No, 7 LSU on the ropes, on the LSU 1-yard-line, second down and goal with a few mintues left in the game, trailing 30-24. The Bulldogs has three shots to score the go-ahead touchdown and failed all three times, denying first-year head coach Dan Mullen a huge, program-building win and allowing LSU to stay undefeated following a game it absolutely should have lost. The biggest beneficiary of all this chaos has to be Boise State, which went on the road and throttled Bowling Green 49-14 and should be in the top five come next week. The Broncos have quality wins under their belt and now must simply run the table in the lackluster Western Athletic Conference. Another beneficiary should be Cincinnati, which has one of the nation’s best quarterbacks in Tony Pike and an undefeated record thanks to a 28-20 home win over a solid Fresno State squad. But all of this pales in comparison (at least in the minds of University of Florida fans and Fox broadcaster Thom Brenneman) to the news out of Lexington, Kentucky. Sure, the Florida Gators throttled the host Wildcats 41-7 in a game that was never close, but all-everything quarterback Tim Tebow left the game in the third quarter after a brutal sack that ended with him falling to the ground and cracking the back of his head against the knee of one of his own offensive linemen. The injury was later diagnosed as a concussion and Tebow’s status is up in the air right now, but the horrified looks on the faces of the UF fans at the game (as Brenneman undoubtedly hyperventilated into a paper bag somewhere) made you think they were watching a city destroyed by and earthquake or something. If Tebow is out for any length of time, the Gators take a HUGE hit and could easily lose a game in the rugged Southeastern Conference. One additional note in a Florida-centric review of the football weekend, possibly the biggest stunner of the day came from Tallahassee, where unranked and unheralded South Florida (a misnomer if I’ve ever heard one, as they are located in freaking Tampa - i.e. the middle of the state) marched in and upset No. 18 Florida State. Never mind that South Florida wasn’t ranked and is a member of the ugly stepchild of the six BCS conferences, the Big East, the Bulls came into the game having lost senior quarterback Matt Groethe for the year with a knee injury. Groethe has been the absolute rock of the USF offense since his freshman year, running and passing them to a lot of wins. Losing him and replacing him with untested freshman B.J. Daniels should have spelled disaster, especially on the road against a top 20 team, but the Bulls’ defense stepped its game up and choked the life out of the Seminoles. The result? A 17-7 USF victory and a second loss in four games for Florida State. Guess major academic fraud scandals aren’t good for business, eh FSU football? Quite a weekend of football, plenty of upheaval and I will be extremely interested to see where everyone stands when all of the dust finally settles…………

- With steroid accusations flying around nearly every professional sport the past few years, fans have basically become numb to the “revelations” that their favorite players have been juicing and putting every performance-enhancing drug on the market into their bodies. David Ortiz may have used? So what. Manny Ramirez is a ‘roider? Big deal. I was right there with everyone on the numbness to these announcements…….until now. Now comes news that…..well, that I just can’t….or don’t want to believe. Anyone who has grown up in the past 15 years or so can relate to what I’m about to say: if that a-hole Screech Powers is going to allege that Zack Morris’ performances on Saved by the Bell were steroid-enhanced, he’d better have some f’ing proof. Of course, Dustin Diamond’s shocking news comes as he’s trying to sell a book. Behind the Bell comes after he’s tried his hand at celebrity boxing, bombed out of the acting business and clearly has nothing better to do than grow ugly facial hair. As he makes the round promoting his book, Diamond has been discussing his role as Saved By the Bell's adorable dork while also seeking to tear down the reputations of his former co-stars for profit. “I could smell a certain 'smoke,' wafting from the crack" from under his castmates' dressing rooms, says Diamond. He went on to imply that Mark-Paul Gosselaar, aka Bell's Zack Morris, used steroids before production of Saved by the Bell’s short-lived spin-off, Saved by the Bell: The College Years, in 1994. "He suddenly exploded with manliness, loading 25 pounds of muscle on his once-scrawny frame in, oh, about a month," Diamond observed. All right Screech, them’s fightin’ words. Zack Morris was the coolest guy on campus at Bayside and just because you were his nerdy best friend doesn’t mean you can sully his reputation with your outrageous accusations. Unless you have hard stats to back up your claims, stuff it. Did Zack’s Q-rating suddenly skyrocket or did he nail more of his lines once Saved by the Bell: The College Years started? I will not visually indict Zack Morris for his alleged steroid use and unless Diamond can produce dirty, used syringes with Gosselaar’s DNA on them that Diamond used to shoot him up and then kept in empty beer cans in his garage for years, a la Brian McNamee, I don’t believe a word of this. It’s one thing for Diamond to allege that Tiffani Thiessen, Mario Lopez, Elizabeth Berkley and Gosselaar were hooking up on set; I’m fine with that. Just don’t go throwing around unproven ‘roid accusations, because that’s where I draw the line, Screech………..

- No we didn’t……the United States did not just accuse Russia of having a "Cold War mentality" and waging a "disgusting" smear campaign on a U.S. diplomat in Moscow. Actually, that’s exactly what the American government did in coming to the defense of Kyle Hatcher, a U.S. embassy liaison with religious and human rights groups in Russia. Hatcher is at the center of a controversy created an alleged sex video recorded at a hotel room in Siberia that surfaced last month on a Russian "news" website believed to have close ties to Moscow's Federal Security Service (FSB) spy agency. “We believe ... that he has been the subject of a smear campaign using the Russian press. And of course, this kind of campaign is disgusting and deplorable,” Ian Kelly, a State Department spokesman, said. "It's an example of the continuation of a Cold War mentality ... There clearly are still people who have this Cold War mentality and don't want our relationship to improve." Good, good, invoke memories and mental imagery from the Cold War, that’s how you do it. Better yet, this comes as the U.S. and Russia have been supposedly looking to patch up diplomatic relations after being at each other’s throats for years. Sure, President Obama recently spoke of trying to "reset" the relationship with Russia and his counterpart, Russian President/Vlad Putin’s sock puppet Dmitry Medvedev, backed American calls for tougher sanctions against Iran, but so what? A good sex tape scandal can undermine all of that in no time and I for one am thrilled to see it. The U.S. is doing its part, lodging a complaint to Moscow through diplomatic channels. Another top US official seemingly acknowledged the existence of the video, calling it "really gross" and claiming that it was shot last year at a hotel in Siberia. As a quick aside…..even if Kyle Hatcher was sexing it up with some Russian lady in a Siberian hotel…..what the hell else are you going to do in Siberia? Drinking vodka and hitting it are about your only two options and both are good because they help keep you warm. It’s freaking Siberia, so anything that can take your mind off of the fact that you are stuck in Siberia is welcome. But as for the video, it shows a man, allegedly Hatcher, alone watching television and later standing near the wall close to the hidden camera. The lights are turned off and with what little light remains, a man and a woman are seen touching each other, but the darkened room prevents a positive identification of the man as Hatcher. "It's him in the room in the beginning. But then the lights come down, and that's when a woman comes in and that's when it's not him anymore," said the official, who requested anonymity. Hatcher has admitted being present at the hotel, but denies that he’s the one sexing it up on camera. This anonymous official decried the tape as an attempt to have Hatcher removed from his post. That’s something that all U.S. officials involved in this case have steadfastly declared will not happen, but it’s neither here nor there. As long as the Cold War gets started up again, Hatcher will merely be the blessed catalyst and deserving of our thanks……….

- Dear Evander Holyfield: Please quit boxing before you a) die in the ring or b) lose your remaining ability, albeit scarce, to form a coherent sentence in English - or any other language. Evander should take my advice, but as you’d expect, he’s not going to. Like any proud, former champion boxer, Holyfield is going to keep putting on the gloves, stepping through the ropes and getting his face pounded in until they have to carry him off on a stretcher. Look, I get that aspect of boxers’ psyche. They are warriors, trained to keep getting up no matter how many times they’re knocked down. However, there has to be that voice in the back of their mind that, at some point, clicks in and tells them that they’re no longer battling valiantly at something they are good at - they’re slower, more brittle, battered and in danger of dying in the ring if they don’t stop. It would be great if Holyfield could reach his goal of retiring as heavyweight champion because perhaps that would erase the sting of him being revealed as a guy who has fathered near double-digit kids by multiple women who were not his wife at the time and being found out as a steroid user who tried to conceal his identity when purchasing ‘roids online by using the pseudonym Evan Fields (verrrrry clever, E.), but it just ain’t happening. Just look at where he’s traveling for his next fight: freaking South Korea in November. What’s sad is that my man Evan Fields is getting on board with promoting environmental protection and it’s a great cause, but it’s not so great when it could very likely be tied to boxing’s next in-ring death. Great, Evan Fields is building a 40-acre solar energy farm on his suburban Atlanta estate and turning another acre into an organic garden that can be used by neighborhood youths - those are great things, but he can do those without boxing. Likewise, he can continue appearing in Taco Bell ad campaigns as he continues to dig out of the financial hole he was in when his home twice faced foreclosure notices. But look inside the ring and you’ll see that E. Fields has lost his last two bouts, both in bids to claim shares of the fractured heavyweight title. "I will be the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world," Fields said recently. "I'm sure I will be champion next year sometime." My man, no you won't. Not unless you make up your own Evan Fields Boxing Federation title and hand the belt to yourself, and even then it’s not a lock. Bro, you’re flying to South Korea for a fight on Nov. 8 and you still don’t know who your opponent is; that’s not good. Take your legacy as boxing's only four-time heavyweight champion and ride off into the sunset. Take the hint that losing seven of your last 12 fights should give you, call it quits and spare the rest of us the horror of having to see you die in the ring or become a vegetable who can’t think, walk or talk on his own…………..

A nonsensical Smallville season premiere, the end of a good run for Tiburon, Calif. and a new Cold War over the New Jersey Nets

- It was a good run for the city of Tiburon, California. The city had gone an entire decade without a murder, but that streak came to an end Tuesday when 75-year-old Joan Rosenthal found dead in front of her house, shot in the head. A friend who routinely visited the woman found her body Tuesday morning near the front of the house, which is located along a normally quiet street in the Del Mar neighborhood. Of course, a lot of streets in Tiburon could be described that way; it’s why the FBI considers Tiburon among the safest cities in California. You can tell how unusual this sort of incident is by the fact that when a local TV station went around the neighborhood looking to get reaction to the crime, no one they spoke to wanted to be identified on camera. At this point, police aren’t sure what the motive for the shooting was, as there were no apparent signs of a break-in and no obvious signs of theft. Rosenthal was found with a gunshot wound to the head near her front door in an enclosed patio. Funnily enough, Tiburon police are so unaccustomed to dealing with murders that they have asked the Marin County Sheriff's Department and Belvedere police for help with the investigation. 
"What it is, is a woman who has obviously been murdered on her front doorstep at her residence and beyond that we really don't have any suspects or even a motive at this point," said Tiburon Police Chief Michael Cronin. Not only is this the first murder in Tiburon in 10 years, it’s only the fourth homicide in the past 40 years. Whatever the motive, it’s hard to imagine that anyone set out to kill Joan Rosenthal because they had a beef with her. She was one of the more active volunteers at the Belvedere-Tiburon Library where she volunteered and organized book clubs and those who knew her best say they can’t even begin to imagine why anyone would want to kill her. I wish the Tiburon police and their fellow law enforcement compadres success in solving this crime so that Rosenthal’s friends and family can get the closure they need………….

- Oh, this should solve everything for the Chicago Cubs. They’ve suspended mentally unstable rage-a-holic Milton Bradley for the rest of the season for what amounted to conduct detrimental to the team, one day after he criticized the franchise in a newspaper interview, but Bradley’s momma is taking up for him. Charlena Rector said Tuesday that her son would consider returning to the team if it will have him back. "All the people on TV keep saying, 'Oh, Milton has played his last game for the Cubs,'" Rector said. However, Rector believes that her baby boy will be back with the team as long as Cubs management will have him. “Milton eats, sleeps and drinks baseball. He loves it. That's all he wants to do," Rector told the newspaper. Judging by the way the club has reacted to Bradley’s act this season, don’t count on that. Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said he decided to send Bradley home after learning of the remarks the mercurial outfielder made in a recent interview. “You understand why they haven't won in 100 years here," Bradley mused. He’s also been critical of Chicago fans, who he basically accused of being racist and hating him based on the way they’ve treated him in this, his first season with the Cubs. Hmm….wonder if it could have anything to do with the fact that he’s batting .257 with 12 homers and 40 RBIs this season for a team that is staggering along at 78-73, out of the playoff race despite being a consensus World Series contender at the start of the season. Sorry Milton and momma, but when a guy inks a three-year, $30 million contract and puts up such paltry numbers for an underachieving team, the fans just aren’t going to get with him. That would be true even if it were a personable, likeable guy - something Bradley is most definitely not. He’s temperamental, tempestuous and always on the verge of blowing up. Hendry and the team’s management have suspended him for the remainder of the season and on Sunday, the GM said he did not know if the relationship can be salvaged. "Recently, it's become intolerable to hear Milton talk about our great fans the way he has," Hendry said. "We pride ourselves on having the greatest fans in baseball, so at this time we felt it was best to send him home for the rest of the season." One thing that won't help Bradley’s case is his momma doing interviews in which she blames his lackluster season and poor attitude on racism that his 3-year-old son has faced at school. "When racism hit his 3-year-old baby in school, he couldn't take that," Rector said. "Parents, teachers and their kids called him the n-word. He didn't even know it was a bad word until his mom told him." Seriously? For one, I don’t believe those claims. Second, even if they are true, you cannot tell me that having his kid called racist names is what made this guy so unhappy this season. He’s been unhappy everywhere he’s gone - Cleveland, Texas, Oakland, Montreal, San Diego, L.A. and now Chicago. His son is three years old and ol’ Milton has been pissed off and crazy for much longer than that. Stop making excuses for him, even if he is your son. You’re not helping him, you’re hurting him and you shouldn’t be giving interviews trying to excuse his bad behavior, man……………

- This doesn’t make sense, fit or flow well and it’s not that much fun to watch. If I’m saying that about the season premiere of Smallville, which theoretically should be a great episode in order to get people hooked on the new season, that’s not a good thing. But over and over, that’s what I thought as a watched the show tonight at its new night and time. For one, Clark Kent is apparently a) still lurking around Metropolis, although it’s not clear if he lives at the Kent Farm or has a pad in the city, b) wearing all black with the emblem of his Kryptonian family painted on his shirt, c) has cut off everyone he cares about and d) begun another round of training at the resurrected Fortress of Solitude. Lois Lane, having been beamed to the future by Clark’s Legion ring in last season’s finale, somehow is thrown back in time to the present, landing on a moving elevated train in Metropolis. With her comes a Kryptonian assassin chick who tries to kill Lois. There battle and the bursts of energy that transport them in time cause the train to derail, but Clark catches the falling train and saves everyone. As he speeds off, he leaves his new calling card: the same symbol on his chest, burned into the nearest building. Lois goes to the hospital and refuses to stay long. After being checked out, she is ready to leave. Chloe shows up and is glad to see her cousin, who has apparently been missing (i.e. stuck in the future) for three weeks. After sending Chloe on a bogus errand, Lois rushes from the hospital and goes back to visit the site of the wreck. Apparently the police and emergency personnel don’t bother taping things off or guarding accident scenes, because she waltzes into the fallen train and is soon confronted by a man she believes is a cop. This tall, dark stranger doesn’t say one way or the other, but when a uniformed officer catches them, he kisses Lois to seemingly cover their real motives for snooping around the train. Later, Lois goes to her customary pay phone on the street, expecting another call from the Red/Blue Blur, for whom she’s become a confidant. That call doesn’t come because Clark has made a trip to the Fortress to ask his biological father, Jor-El, why he still can’t fly. Jor-El says the power to do so is within him, but he’s holding himself back because he still hasn’t severed all ties to the human side of his existence. Clark realizes he must say goodbye to “her,” and speeds back to Metropolis, where he calls Lois at her Daily Planet desk with the purpose of saying goodbye. But when he hears her voice, he can’t bring himself to do so. While on the roof of a downtown building to make the call, Clark is also confronted by Chloe, who has also been busy. From the spacious old apartment she and now-deceased husband Jimmy were supposed to share, she’s been trying to track down Oliver Queen, Black Canary and their legion of superhero friends. They’ve all dropped off the map, distraught by the disaster of what happened with Jimmy and Doomsday. Chloe gets some unexpected help from Dr. Hamilton, a colleague of Oliver’s who reluctantly agrees to help her in her quest as Watchtower. But it is actually Lois who finds Ollie, on the outskirts of Metropolis in some sort of bad Fight Club ripoff. She poses as a card girl between rounds of the fight and tries to tell Oliver about her trip to the future and the Kryptonian assassin who mad the trip back with her, but the assassin shows up and makes that point herself. Before this badass chick can do any more damage that destroying a wall, Clark zooms onto the scene and the assassin tells him, without even turning around to face him, that he’s the one she’s after. Clark grabs her and they brawl from the warehouse all the way to the Kent barn, where the assassin reveals that she’s carrying blue Kryptonite, which robs both she and Clark of their powers. She then cryptically informs him that she’s come from the future and she’s after him because “you betrayed us” and would do something that would lead to the destruction of the world in the future. She then attacks Clark and they brawl around the barn, ultimately ending in a KO for Clark when his attacked is impaled on a knife of some sort. Before he can get any more information from the assassin, she dies. But we learn more about her because, in the most nonsensical twist of the episode, we see that she is a member of some bizarre Kryptonian military faction that has taken up residence with Tess Mercer at the Luthor Mansion. The being known as General Zod arrived in last season’s finale, but he’s gone from appearing on the lawn outside the mansion to having a battalion of his soldiers with him, two of whom have begun to turn on him, believing that he is holding out information from them. That information would include why they are on Earth, how they came to be there and why they don’t have their Kryptonian powers. Tess appears to have been taken prisoner and beaten for answers, but to no avail. When the rest of Zod’s (who is being called Major Zod, not General Zod) battalion calls he and Tess before some type of military tribunal, he turns the tables on them, chastising them for not respecting him even after he’s “scoured this land” for they and their families and done all he could to help them in the strange new place. So it would seem that lots of Kryptonians were beamed to Earth and landed all over the place, which is completely out of context and is one big reason this episode made no sense. The soldiers accept Zod’s reasoning and kneel in respect, including the same assassin who we saw Clark kill in the barn. The morning after the tribunal, Tess awakes and the Kryptonians are all gone, along with any evidence they were there at all. She meets with her chief of security, asking for the footage recorded while the Kryptonians were on the premises. In other words, she wanted them there and was looking to do what? No idea. But the footage has vanished, wiped out by the Kryptonians on their way out the door. The last two bits of news from the episode: 1) the man who kissed Lois in the train is John Corbin, a new reporter at the Planet and 2) Chloe, having found the Legion ring in Lois’ room at the hospital and takes it to the barn, where she asks Clark to use it to travel back in time to save Jimmy. He refuses, citing the tragedy that happened when he went back in time before to same the lovely Lana Lang (the über-hot Kristin Kreuk, who I so badly miss on this show) - the end result being his father died. When Clark won't go back to save Jimmy, Chloe caustically remarks that it’s good he’s embracing his Kryptonian roots because “there’s nothing human left in you.” And so it ended, an episode that I cannot describe as anything other than bad, off-kilter, disjointed and making no sense at all. Here’s hoping the season gets better from here and helps all of this make sense, because right now none of it does………..

- As we’ve discussed time and again, the drug business is a tough one. There are never-ending challenges from every direction - the law, competitors, nature - and the mortality rate tends to be high. Yet the intrepid, never-say-quit souls who plant, grow, harvest, process, transport and sell illegal drugs of all kinds love their business far too much to give up and so they forge ahead. With border patrols and policing stepping up across the U.S.-Mexico border, Mexican smugglers need to find new routes into the United States and those routes are taking them away from dry land and out onto the open seas. Smugglers are turning increasingly to the Pacific Ocean for a short sail to the California coast, where they drop off illegal immigrants and marijuana, a nice double dip for sure. "We've seen a huge spike in smuggling by water," said Lauren Mack, a spokeswoman for the Immigration and Customs Enforcement office in San Diego, California. "It's become very, very risky and difficult to cross by land. Smugglers try to jump where they think we're not looking.” Thanks to those effort, Coast Guard officials estimate that interdictions of human cargo on the Pacific have doubled since last year and drug trafficking increased even more. So while it’s a bummer that authorities have confiscated 60,000 pounds of marijuana this year, I take solace in knowing that if 60,000 pounds have been seized, tens of thousands more have made it into the U.S. - great news for all of my stoner friends. At this point, the water route is popular because in spite of the 60,000 pounds of the hippie lettuce seized there, the land border between the U.S. and Mexico is so heavily policed that the percentage of supply lost taking that route would undoubtedly be much higher. For example, take the trouble one bold smuggler ran into last week. Two Border Patrol agents opened fire on this cat simply because they believed was trying to run one of them over with a vehicle, and the suspect was wounded in the process. Such is life at San Ysidro, the nation’s busiest border crossing. The checkpoint has speed bumps, concrete barricades, a gate and tire shredders, so of course people are going to take to the high seas as they attempt to bring their much-ballyhood product into the U.S. Do these cartels really want to rely much on the high school students they’re paying $200 to $300 for each trip of taping drugs to their bodies and walking across the border? I think not. Instead, it’s time to take to the high seas. Besides, I’m sure that the drivers of the thousands of cars stopped on the road for hours when U.S. authorities closed all 24 northbound lanes into the country following the San Ysidro incident would have appreciated it if the smugglers had simply gotten a boat and tried that approach. So to all the would-be drug smugglers out there who are striving each day to find a way to get the chronic into the hands of the stoners who need it most, I say keep scheming, keep plotting and keep trying………..

- Two days ago I lamented the Communist, er, Russian takeover of the NBA’s New Jersey Nets by Russian tycoon Mikhail Prokhorov. But as unhappy as I am with the idea of a Commie taking over an American pro sports franchise, I may have found some people who are even angrier about this deal than I am. Several Russian legislators and analysts are absolutely ripping Prokhorov for his purchase because they believe it’s a major blow to their nation's sports. "I can't consider this action as anything other than unpatriotic," said Aslambek Aslakhanov, a member of the upper parliament chamber's sports committee. "We also have talented children here, but sports isn't being developed. They're not trying in order for us to return to our former sports ranking of best in the world." Unpatriotic? Wow. I’m not a guy who is huge on that sort of thing, but calling a person unpatriotic is basically saying he hates his country and all but accusing him of being a traitor. But Prokhorov’s purchase of 80 percent of the Nets' shares and agreement to finance nearly half the cost of building a new arena are looking like they may launch the next round of the Cold War if these critics have their way. Perhaps they’re still bitter over the collapse of the Soviet-era "Big Red Machine" as a dominating force on the international sports scene, I don’t know. What I do know is that the idea that a country’s richest man must first and foremost invest in his own country’s sports system before he even considers buying a team in another country is backwards and stunted at best. Prokhorov does own a share in the prominent Russian team CSKA and he’s stated that he wants the deal partly as a way to get access to the NBA's training methods and educate coaches on how to improve Russian basketball. In other words, he wants to steal American secrets and siphon them off for use back in Mother Russia. That should thrill the Russians, not offend them. Just don’t tell that to men like Viktor Ozerov, another upper-chamber legislator, who believes that Prokhorov is sending his money in the wrong direction. "I don't deny that Mikhail Prokhorov has put money into developing sports in Russia, but I would have liked all the means he considered possible to have gone to specifically supporting sports in the fatherland," Ozerov declared. Just about the only party yet to weigh in on this from a Russian perspective is the Kremlin, so hopefully unofficial leader/Prime Minister Vlad Putin will grace us with his observations sooner rather than later……

Fist-bumping the Dalai Lama, catching up with K-Fat and busting your fist on a fellow athlete's face

- There are good reasons why a college athlete would miss the start of his team’s season: dealing with a serious illness, an injury related to on-court activity or a family emergency come to mind. Sitting out with a dislocated thumb sustained in an on-campus brawl involving several football and basketball players would not be one of those reasons. Someone should have clued Kansas sophomore guard Tyshawn Taylor into that fact, because he will now be out up to four weeks with that dislocated thumb suffered in a rumble Tuesday evening outside of the university's student union building. Witnesses say that players from the two teams were arguing as they entered and exited the building and punches were thrown. Why they were fighting, I don’t know. Sure, the basketball team has historically been much, much more successful than the football team, so there could be some animosity there, I suppose. The problem for Taylor is that he’s the only one who was dumb enough to get injured in the fight, presumably because he doesn’t know how to correctly throw a punch. Kansas coach Bill Self said he did not have all of the details and did not know if there would be any disciplinary action taken against those involved, but go ahead and assume that they’ll receive something lame like a one-game suspension that takes place when Kansas plays some overmatched Division III team that they’ll beat by 60 points with or without Taylor and his felloe Muhammad Ali wannabes. What may work in Taylor’s favor is that he’s not denying what he did. Actually, dude is doing what every person under the age of 50 is doing these days with any development in their life, big or small: slamming it up as his Facebook status. "I got a dislocated finger ... from throwing a punch, so don't let the newspaper gas ya all up, aite," he posted after midnight the day after the incident. He also may have inadvertently chronicled the tension that led up to the fight on Tuesday morning when he wrote, "keep my name out ya mouth for you get smacked in it." A half-hour later, a posting read, "never get outta character ... I'm always a G about it." Later that afternoon, Taylor posted, "n-----s be muggin me ... you know I'm mugging back." From there, it was a mere two and a half hours before the brawl went down. Kansas’ first game isn't until Nov. 13, so there is time for Taylor to recover, but if Self has any self-respect for himself or his program, Taylor won't be playing whether he’s healthy or not…………

- This just in from the Department of the Obvious: Kevin Federline is FAT. For months now, K-FAT, er, K-Fed has been waddling around and showing up at various events and public places looking like the bastard son of Kansas football coach Mark Mangino and Rosie O’Donnell. Seriously, dude has packed on the lbs. and he’s done a great job of it. The problem is that being a FAT former backup dancer/ex-husband of a hack-job pop tart like Britney Spears and the owner of one of the shortest-lived, most inept attempted rap careers in history isn't exactly good for business - no matter what your business is. So in order to shed nicknames like K-FAT, Cake-Fed, Corn-Fed, K-Overfed and Kevin Fatterline, the former Mr. Britney Spears is joining the cast for the new season of Celebrity Fit Club, 
which premieres on VH1 on Feb. 14. Basically, the show ropes in a bunch of has-beens, never-weres and D-list losers who think that being on the show will get them back into the industry by a) helping them lost their flabby physiques and b) getting their faces on TV for casting directors to see. A panel of trainers berates, belittles and pushes these FAT celebrities, kind of like The Biggest Loser only these “celebrities” are people you don’t feel the least bit bad for because they’ve thrown away careers that were, in most cases, at least mildly profitable and eaten their way right out of the entertainment world despite having so much to lose. Other cast members for the seventh season of Celebrity Fit Club will be K-FAT’s ex -girlfriend Shar Jackson, Bobby Brown and actress Nicole Eggert. For anyone who was unfortunate enough to behold Cake-Fed’s portly physique when he showed up at a Miami pool recently, I sincerely hope that you didn’t get that image burned into your retina and that this guy is able to lose enough weight that no one is ever subjected to that type of torture again…………..

- The images coming out of Australia yesterday were truly stunning, almost like something out of a low-rent sci-fi movie. When a ginormous dust storm swept through parts of the country on Wednesday, cities and towns were engulfed in a reddish haze. Sydney was among the cities turned an odd reddish hue, with citizens left to look out their windows or up at the sky and wonder exactly what was going on. Some of them even took the day off work to avoid the dust storm mess. The dust storm had rolled in by the time most citizens woke up in the morning, which had to make some people wonder if they had actually woken up or if they were still caught up in a bizarre dream. In some places the red dust was so thick that residents couldn’t even see their neighbors’ homes. Health officials in Sydney warned residents to stay in indoors if possible, especially if they had asthma or heart and lung conditions. "Avoid spending too much time outdoors due to the high particle levels and hazardous air quality," the New South Wales Department of Heath Web site said. The Sydney Harbour Bridge, one of the city’s best-known landmarks, could be seen obscured from view and cloaked in a blanket of red in pictures taken during the dust storm. Ambulance crews were kept busy throughout the storm by calls from people who had trouble breathing. The cause for the storm and resulting red haze was identified as strong north-westerly winds which blew the dust overnight to Sydney and regions west of the capital, according to the country's bureau of meteorology. As the day progressed, the dust blanket moved north onto the Queensland capital of Brisbane and kept on moving north, eventually clearing populated areas and passing out onto the open seas. Now if only Jimi Hendrix were still around to write a song about the red haze…………

- I have a new favorite mayor and it’s none other than Memphis Mayor Pro Tem Myron Lowery. Mayor Lowery was on hand when His Holiness the Dalai Lama arrived in Memphis Tuesday to receive the National Civil Rights Museum's Freedom Award and Lowery helped make it a truly special event not just for the Dalai Lama, but for everyone. When greeting His Holiness, Lowery didn’t settle for a handshake or a bow. No, he went straight for the go-to greeting for anyone who’s not 70 years old and out of touch with the world - the fist bump. "Here we also have a tradition," as he showed His Holiness how to fist bump. Yes, dude fist-bumped the Dalai Lama, spiritual leader of the nation of Tibet. "You say you've got a sense of humor," Lowery said, "I've always wanted to say Hello Dalai." So while the visit may have been special for the Dalai Lama because he has admitted an admiration for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who was murdered in Memphis, it will also be a special memory because Memphis is where he learned to fist bump. "Dr. King, although I never met, but I heard his sort of motivation, his determination, his service for civil rights," His Holiness said during his first visit to the city. While there, he also blessed the Mississippi River with a white prayer scarf and stopped by the statue of Tom Lee to pay respects. All of that is well and good, but my favorite part of this story is that a mayor saw one of the most respected spiritual leaders in the world, a mythical figure in his corner of the world, and he decides that it’s about time the Dalai Lama learned how to fist bump. Well done, Mayor Lowery, your city should be proud…………

- Well done, students at the University of California-Davis, well done. While students at schools nationwide are getting dicked over by their colleges and universities with ever-increasing tuition costs, not every school can say that some of its students took off their clothes and assembled for a "naked rally" to protest those exorbitant tuition costs. That’s what happened on the UC Davis campus Tuesday, when dozens of students took off their clothes and gathered to make their voices heard in the hopes of drawing attention to a proposed 30 percent fee increase across the UC system. But while the increase would affect all state universities, I don’t see students at UC-Berkeley, UC-Santa Barbara or UC-Irvine taking their clothes off to make the point that they don’t like the hike. These lazy bums need to take their cue from the students at UC-Davis, who gathered with signs reading "I'll put my pants on when Yudof resigns," (a reference to UC President Mark Yudof), "The Naked Truth: UC Thinks I'm A Ca$h Machine," and "Don't Strip the Student Body." Better still, the protestors say that the "naked rally" in Davis is just the beginning of their planned protests. Today, students, faculty and staff will be holding strikes and walkouts Thursday at all UC campuses. Big ups to everyone taking part in these protests, because colleges and universities continue to masquerade under the guise of being havens of higher learning while all the while they’re just another business looking to squeeze every possible dollar out of anyone within their reach. People need to take a stand against them and not take their act lying down, so these protests are a good start………

Communists taking over one NBA franchise, Nigerians are a tad too sensitive and the Greenpeace kooks arrive for the G-20 summit

- Few things piss me off more than groups acting all offended and put off by how their race, creed or ethnic group is depicted in a fictitious Hollywood movie. Studios are concerned with one thing and one thing only: making money. You acting like they set out to viciously malign the character of your people is both offensive and self-centered. So to Nigerians who are outraged by how they are portrayed in the summer sci-fi blockbuster District 9, I say this: Get over it. The images of people who happen to be Nigerian eating aliens and having sex with aliens aren’t real. I don’t recall any white American getting pissed when white guys were having sex with Natasha Henstridge in Species, although that may have had something to do with the fact that Natasha Henstridge was really hot. Fact is, if the movie hadn’t been set in Africa, it would have been set in another country and I’m guessing that people there wouldn’t be quite so oversensitive. Basically, District 9 is a story set in South Africa about an alien space ship that breaks down over Johannesburg -- leaving the stranded creatures in a fierce battle with humans. When the South Africans give the aliens the boot, the Nigerians are more than willing to take them in - and exploit them. A Nigerian gangster provides the aliens with a range of paid services including prostitutes, food and weapons. And because of this, Nigerians are outraged and creating Facebook groups to express said outrage (seriously, creating a Facebook group is about the laziest form of social dissidence ever invented)? Again, I say this to Nigerians: every movie has bad guys in it and those bad guys have to be from somewhere. Often, those bad guys are nothing like the real-life people in the country they are supposedly from, but typically people realize as much and don’t throw a hissy fit over the movie. Not you, Nigerians. No, officials in your country have banned the movie and are demanding an apology from Sony Pictures, the film's principle distributor. "Why do they want to denigrate Nigerians as criminals, cannibals and prostitutes who sleep with extra-terrestrial animals?" said Dora Akunyili, information minister. "We've had enough with the stereotypes they have branded us with ... we are not going to sit back and allow people to stigmatize us." Seriously? Grow a sense of humor and an understanding of the term creative license, you tool. Furthermore, Sony insists that Nigerian authorities cleared the film for release and it screened in that country for two weeks. It’s not as if the depiction of Nigerians in the movie comprises the bulk of the movie either; those scenes make up less than 10 minutes of the 113-minute film. Some idiots out there are actually suggesting that director Peter Jackson should have used a fictional country as the setting for his movie. Not really, morons. Just because you are hypersensitive and have a persecution complex doesn’t mean that the rest of us need to cater to your whims and insane demands………..

- There is no one who is less a fan of the police than me, but in the rare event that an officer is on the receiving end of shady treatment from those higher up his or her particular bureaucratic food chain, I feel compelled to speak out. Officer Thomas Strain, a white cop from Philadelphia’s 35th District, is in that very position all because of his hairstyle of choice. Dude was yanked off the street and kept on desk duty for two days all because he had the audacity to get cornrows. He wasn’t allowed to return to his normal post until he cut his braids off even though many black officers on the force wear cornrows regularly. Strain showed up for work Sept. 3 with his new hairstyle and within minutes, his superiors took issue with his mane. "They pulled him out of roll call and took him right up to the inspector's office," said an officer who asked to remain anonymous. It’s a bullsh*t move, but the one thing you can say for the police department is that they’re not lying about the real reason they treated Strain like crap. Strain's superior didn't feel his cornrows were "professional," explained police spokesman Lt. Frank Vanore said, Inspector Aaron Horne is the tool who made the decision to mistreat Strain. Horne, who oversees the Northwest Police Division, is the supervisor who directed Strain to banish the braids. "The policy's the policy, it doesn't matter what race you are," Vanore said. Police policy requires officers to have "clean, properly trimmed and combed hair" that doesn't prevent them from wearing their uniform hat "in a military-manner.” The policy also bans "unnatural" hair colors such as blue, purple or green but that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with cornrows. Unless the cornrows prevent Strain from wearing hit hat in the required military manner, there shouldn’t have been an issue. On top of all of this, the department has a complete double standard in regards to its hair policy, as the policy for female officers is more permissive than the policy for men. By all accounts, Strain is a well-respected officer who appears to have been the victim of a small-minded, backwards-thinking supervisor who needs to join the rest of us in the 21st century………….

- The Communists are taking over the NBA, the Communists are taking over the NBA! Okay, so maybe that’s a bit extreme, but it is true that Russia's richest man, Mikhail Prokhorov, has made a takeover bid for the New Jersey Nets. Prokhorov confirmed on his blog on Tuesday, much to the shock and horror of the capitalist world - okay, I made that up too. This is a guy who made his millions as a nickel mining baron and now he wants to become to first foreigner to control an NBA franchise. Under the terms of his proposals, sent to existing Nets shareholders over the weekend, Prokhorov’s Onexim group would provide a loan to build a substantial part of a new arena. That project has been waffling back and forth between disaster and survival for some time now, as current owner Bruce Ratner has switched designs and designers repeatedly in attempts to shave dollars off the cost of the arena. "For our Onexim group the realization of this very lucrative business project, whose participation was made possible by the world crisis [never in history have foreigners owned an NBA club], is another interesting sports development," Prokhorov wrote. Interesting or horrifying; I guess it depends on your perspective, eh comrade? To make this deal a reality, the money involved would have to be somewhere in the $700 million range. Maybe I’m the only one holding out hope for this, but current Nets minority owner Jay-Z is perhaps the man who could save the team from the Communists, right? I’m not sure how much money H.O.V.A. has, but with all the albums he’s sold, all the business deals and investments he’s made and all the sold-out shows he’s played, dude has to have $700 mil laying around, right? If not, his wife Beyonce could perhaps kick in a few bucks too. C’mon y’all, this is to fight the evils of Communism encroaching upon our very soil. Commissioner David Stern and the suits in the NBA league office need to step up too, because transfer of ownership requires background checks on a new owner as well as approval by 75 percent of the league's 30 owners, meaning this sinister plot could still be stopped. Let this red take the billions he made after cashing out of assets in 2008 before the global crisis caused commodity prices to crash and buy some foreign soccer team or league, but not an American pro sports franchise. Sure, Prokhorov’s estimated fortune of $9.5 billion is impressive, but do you really want one of the NBA’s franchises becoming a Communist regime? Do you want bread lines and rationed water in place of concession stands? Besides, Forbes magazine in December ranked the Nets as the 26th most valuable of the 30 NBA teams, with an estimated value of $295 million. That means damn near anyone (in the millionaire world anyhow) can afford them. Find a good, capitalist and most importantly, American buyer and tell Prokhorov to take his rubles elsewhere…………

- While women ages 18-45 everywhere may be breathlessly awaiting "New Moon" -- the second movie installment of the "Twilight" vampire series -- because of the movie itself, I’m actually more impressed with the soundtrack for the movie. That’s partially because I’ve never seen the first “Twilight” movie or read any of the books, but that doesn’t change the fact that the "New Moon" music supervisor Alex Patsavas has assembled a great lineup to provide the musical backdrop for the movie. Death Cab for Cutie scored the lead single for the "New Moon" soundtrack with "Meet Me on the Equinox," but the list of great indie rock acts doesn’t end there. The soundtrack will include, among others: Thom Yorke, "Hearing Damage," The Killers, "A White Demon Love Song," Muse, "I Belong to You (New Moon)," Bon Iver & St. Vincent, "Roslyn," (personal favorite) Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, "Done All Wrong," Sea Wolf, "The Violet Hour," Grizzly Bear, "Slow Life" and Editors, "No Sound but the Wind." The soundtrack is set for release on Oct. 20, exactly one month prior to the movie’s arrival in theaters. It will be a marked improvement from the name-heavy first "Twilight" soundtrack, which featured Paramore, Collective Soul and Linkin Park. That first soundtrack debuted on the (utterly meaningless and irrelevant) Billboard 200 at No.1 and has sold 2.2 million copies so far. Not saying I’m going to go out and buy the new soundtrack or see the movie, but I do salute Patsavas and his crew for assembling an impressive lineup for a soundtrack that should help make the movie better….just not good enough for me to want to see…………

- Nothing brings out the enviro-kooks quite like the G-20 economic summit, eh? And among the enviro-kooks, who is kookier than Greenpeace? No surprise at all that come this morning, four Greenpeace kooks were dangling off the West End Bridge in Pittsburgh, high over the Ohio River, with a large sign calling for change. The banner, which read "Climate Destruction Ahead" and "Reduce CO2 Emissions Now," was hung from the underside of the bridge just one day before political leaders from around the world were due to arrive for the summit at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center. You all know that normally I’m a huge fan or rioters and protestors, but hooking yourself up to a rope and hanging from a railing on a bridge isn't exactly Grade-A protest material. Besides, these tools only lasted for about two hours, after which they climbed up their ropes and returned safely to the bridge deck. They didn’t make any demands, they were mostly cooperative with police and their only goal, according to Pittsburgh Police Assistant Chief William Bochter, was to get their point across. The only person who did land in a pair of the silver bracelets was a man who was on the bridge deck during the protest. This guy explained that the protesters want President Barack Obama to deal with climate issues during the G-20 this week. This sad, underwhelming protest was organized by a man named Damon Moglen, who said that "Greenpeace is here to get a message out about climate change, and I think that people in Pittsburgh realize how important this issue is. This is a city that has a reputation for various green initiatives, and that's a terrific history that they're developing, so I think this is a message that people in Pittsburgh can really appreciate." So to summarize: nothing was burned, no property was destroyed, no one brawled with the police, there were no angry chants, the protest only lasted two hours and no injuries were reported. Let’s go ahead and chalk this one up as a protest failure. There were five other people wearing Greenpeace shirts who were arrested in Point State Park downtown and they had helmets, rappelling gear and duffel bags, but no one knows what their intentions were. You’re not off to a very good start here, Greenpeace, and I’ve got four words for you as it pertains to the rest of the G-20 summit: Step your game up………..

Heroes kicks off a new season, Riot Watch! visits Honduras and why I feel bad for Twitter

- Heroes kicked off its fourth season in style last night, with a two-hour premiere that introduced plenty of new characters and caught us up to speed on some familiar ones as well. Things began in a generic field in the middle of nowhere (Japan, as it turned out), where a mystery man named Samuel (Prison Break’s Robert Knepper) was gathered around a freshly dug grave with a band of misfits. He was speaking about redemption and new beginnings and of Joseph, the man in the coffin who he had lost and who was a member of his family. Samuel vowed that “they will return home,” by which he seems to mean the heroes we’ve come to know and love, and will rejoin his “family.” Samuel, it seems, also has the power to control dirt, as he moved the dirt around the coffin and covered it simply by moving his hands - interesting. As the funeral ends, Samuel and his band of followers trudge back to their carnival, set up outside of Tokyo. There, they go about their business and it isn't until later in the evening we find that Samuel’s band of freaks posseses powers of its own. Lydia, a.k.a. the tattooed woman, enters Samuel’s tent wearing a loose-fitting robe and immediately drops said robe before sitting down on a chair. Samuel uses some sort of wand to inject a magical ink into her back and the ink transforms under her skin to show the face of someone Samuel is looking for - Emile Danko. Samuel then calls in another member of his gang, Edgar, and directs him to track down Danko and retrieve “it.” Edgar resists the order, so Samuel injects the same magic ink into him and it morphs into the image of a hand under Edgar’s skin, choking him by the neck until he agrees to follow Samuel’s order. Edgar heads off on is mission, heading to New York to find Danko. Six weeks have now passed since last season’s finale, so everyone has basically returned to their old life. For Danko, that means hunting PWP’s (people with powers). With Tracy Strauss alive, well and killing ex-Building 26 agents who worked for him even though he shot her last season, Danko is on a mission. He vows to kill Tracy and wants H.R.G.’s help. Around the same time, H.R.G./Noah Bennet realizes that he’s the next target on Tracy’s list. After conferring with Angela Petrelli, Noah tries to keep himself from being her next victim. That nearly happens when Tracy, still with her power to freeze things and turn into water, floods the inside of his car as Noah tries to start it up. Danko comes to the rescue, breaking open a car window in time to save Noah. It’s still not enough for H.R.G. to help Danko and instead he makes contact with Tracy, trying to convince her that she should trust him and work with him. She’s skeptical until H.R.G calls on his old friend the Haitian to wipe Danko’s memory clean and get him off of Tracy’s trail. That’s enough to earn her trust, but when Tracy goes to Danko’s apartment to see if he really has forgotten who she is, Edgar is waiting to attack. He slices open Danko with his power - wielding knives and moving at the speed of light - and leaves him dead on the floor. Edgar also attacks Tracy, but her ability to turn into water saves her life, as you can’t exactly cut water. In the end, Edgar flees without getting what he came for. Tracy calls Noah, who shows up and deduces that Edgar came looking for something, that something being in Danko’s possession. He puts a plastic bag on his hand, fishes around inside Danko’s exposed innards and comes out with a key. That key leads him to a safe deposit box at a downtown bank, but Noah is hesitant to go open the box because Edgar may be waiting for him there. Noah calls in backup in the form of Peter Petrelli, who is back to his old job as a paramedic. Peter is using his powers to help save people’s lives in an attempt to assuage his guilt for all the wrong he, his family and the Company have done in the past. Noah asks Peter to be his bodyguard at the bank, which Peter agrees to do despite also pulling double and triple shifts as a paramedic in order to save as many people as possible. At the bank, Noah opens the safety deposit box and inside is a broken old compass. It appears to be totally busted, but that doesn’t stop Edgar from attacking. Peter fends him off by using his ability to absorb powers from others and fighting off Edgar, leaving he and Noah in possession of the compass. When Peter picks up the busted piece of junk, something odd happens: it not only works, it spins round and round at top speed. Noah wants Peter to keep the compass, but Peter explains that his life finally makes sense and is normal, so he wants to stay as far away from the new Company as possible. That decision has dire consequences when Edgar attacks Noah for a second time that night, taking the compass and nearly killing Noah in the process. While Edgar returns to the Sullivan Bros. Carnival to give the compass to Samuel, Noah is saved when Peter responds to an emergency call, finds him on the sidewalk and rsuhes him to the hospital. There, H.R.G. receives a visit from Tracy, who he has called because now that he’s divorced from Sandra, his ex-wife, he has no one else. Tracy comes and the two begin to form a bond, working with the idea that they might be able to help PWP rather than hunt them. Helping people is just what Hiro and Ando have in mind back in Tokyo. They’ve created “Dial A Hero,” a business where they use their powers (theoretically) to save people. With no clients, DAH looks like a flop. Hiro’s sister Kimito is all over their case about the money they’ve spent and when their first client turns out to be a girl whose cat is stuck on a ledge. Hiro volunteers Ando to climb up and rescue the cat because neither of their powers is useful in this particular situation, so Ando shimmies up, grabs the cat but loses his balance, falling several stories to the ground - until Hiro uses his power to stop time, saving his friend mere feet from the ground, rotating his body so he lands on his feet and thus ensuring a successful rescue. Once it’s over, another problem arises: time has re-started, but Hiro has not. He is now frozen and Ando must carry him back to the office, sneak him past Kimito and figure out what’s wrong. Once Hiro snaps out of his frozen state, he informs Ando that he’s already seen a doctor about his condition - headaches, nosebleeds, etc. - and that the bad news is that he is dying, and soon. A picture of Hiro, Ando and Kimito at a carnival 14 years ago is sitting on the desk and triggers a conversation about the past, how Kimito has always hated Ando and how his spilling his slushie on her at that carnival started the hate. Hiro then explains that at the carnival is where he knew he was destined to become a hero, as a fortune teller there told him of his great destiny and set him on the path to discovering him time-stopping/traveling power, which has put him in the deteriorating medical condition he’s now in. Ando suggests that he travel back in time, stop himself from visiting that fortune teller and going down the path he’s on. Hiro refuses, but the next thing he knows, he’s disappeared and traveled back in time 14 years to the carnival. There, he sees his old self with Ando and Kimito, having fun. As past Hiro goes to visit the fortune teller, Hiro meets Samuel, who has also traveled back in time to be there when Hiro arrives. After doing his ink trick with Lydia again and learning about Hiro, Samuel asks another member of his group, a decrepit old man named Arnold, to send him back in time to meet Hiro. Once there, Samuel tries to convince Hiro to change his destiny by stopping his past self from talking to the fortune teller. Hiro refuses, saying he must not change the past, but Samuel keeps at it and convinces him to change something else - the infamous slushie spill. This time, present Hiro steps in front of Kimito, takes the Slushie hit and changes the course of history by keeping his sister from coming to hate his best friend. That done, Hiro snaps back from the past to the present and finds that in the present, Kimito and Ando are in love and that his actions did in fact change the future. The future is also on the mind of Claire, who is now enrolled in an unnamed college in Arlington, Virginia. Her roommate his overachiever Annie, an uptight snob who is bent on becoming the next leader of the free world - or at least the youngest governor of Massachusetts ever. Claire isn't a big fan of Annie and struggles to adjust to college life, a struggle made worse when she bumps into a girl named Gretchen, who recognizes her name from the Union Wells massacre at Claire’s old high school in Texas. Gretchen is obsessed with murder and the bizarre, a fascination that becomes magnified when, after a first-night-of-the-semester party at which Annie is a guitar hero hog and irritates everyone, Annie is found dead on the sidewalk outside the dorm, having fallen from the third-floor window of she and Claire’s room. The police arrive and find a suicide note on Annie’s bed, but Claire insists the note wasn’t there when she came back to the room. She suspects foul play and Gretchen takes up the trail, buying forensic books and diving in head-first. Gretchen suggests the “jump, push, fall” test police use to determine whether someone who died from a fall jumped, was pushed or fell using a test dummy. Claire brushes the idea off, but later that night, she uses her own can-heal-from-anything, can’t-get-hurt self as the dummy, flinging herself from the window, landing in the tape outline where Annie’s body had landed and realizing that Annie had, in fact, killed herself, or so it seemed. The problem came when Gretchen saw Claire on the ground, putting herself back together after the fall, pushing ribs back through her skin, etc. Now Claire must figure out how to deal with this problem, and quickly. Out in L.A., Matt Parkman has huge problems of his own. First, Angela calls to demand that he “fix” whatever is wrong with her son Nathan, who Matt morphed “created” by erasing Sylar’s memory and forcing his body to morph into Nathan’s in last season’s finale using Matt’s mind control powers. Nathan is now showing eerily Sylar-like tendencies and habits and Angela doenst like it. Matt turns her down flat, but he’s dealing with his own demons. First, he doesn’t like the close relationship his wife Janis has with Roy, the handyman she’s used for the past few years, even when they were separated. Roy is a ripped, good-looking young guy and Matt is clearly jealous. Second, the ghost or spirit of Sylar is haunting Matt’s mind, popping up in his dreams and in visions while Matt is awake. Sylar haunts him at home, at work and everywhere else, demanding that Matt get him back the body he turned into Nathan. At work, Matt snaps into a conversation with imaginary Sylar while interrogating a drug ring suspect and throws a chair at the vision, making it appear that he’s very much crazy. At the same time, Matt has quit using his mind control powers cold turkey, saying he had gotten too addicted to them. Ghost Sylar tries to convince him to use them again and Matt refuses - until he catches a glimpse of Roy getting a little too friendly with his family one more time. Matt caves in, uses his powers and makes Roy decide to go away and never see Matt’s family again, much to the delight of Sylar. Meanwhile, the man occupying Sylar’s body, Nathan, is seeing one sign after another that something is amiss. He can move objects using telepathy, blue sparks are shooting from his hands and he feels totally out of sorts. He confides as much to Angela, but she brushes it off because she doesn’t want to admit the truth. Nathan tries to get Peter on the phone to talk about it, but Peter won't even take his calls. The episode ends back at the carnival, where Edgar returns the compass to Samuel, who then coaxes his next three targets from Lydia: Peter, Claire and Sylar. Edgar mentions Samuel’s encounter with Hiro and muses that they have someone to replace Arnold, the sick old time traveler. “You don’t replace family,” Samuel rebukes him. That’s where things end, quite a premiere if you ask me. There is a lot to chew on and this episode sets up quite a season, so it’ll be very interesting to see where things go from here…………

- I can always get on board with a good cause (usually a riot or protest), so I can definitely get with a nonprofit group called Pilots N Paws. For one, they’re an animal group that has yet to use a tear-jerking, über-sad Sarah McLachlan song for its commercials over top of images of sad, shaggy dogs sitting in animal shelters waiting for adoption. Second, Pets N Paws is a very interesting operation in that it’s not just looking to find good homes for orphaned animals, it’s recruiting volunteer pilots to pick up dogs from shelters where they are in danger of being euthanized and transporting them to no-kill shelters in other states. The group’s goal is to save 5,000 animals from being put down, but hopefully they can go above and beyond that number. Dogs are literally being transported all over the country, including a Labrador mix, a German Sheppard and a set of beagles from Kentucky that were flown to Lancaster (Pa.) Airport Saturday. As you might expect, Pilots N Paws needs more pilots willing to donate their time and talents, so if anyone reading this can help, I’d definitely encourage them to do so. Actually, perhaps Michael Vick could use this as an opportunity to show he really is committed to the cause of protecting animals and buy some planes and/or pay for some pilots who can help out this worthwhile group. If you want more information on Pilots N Paws, visit pilotsnpaws.org and see what they’re all about. Not every shelter can afford to keep dogs around for a prolonged period of time, but getting pooches to ones that can keep them is an admirable goal and one well worth supporting……….

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! With the current political climate in Honduras, it was only a matter of time before a riot or 15 broke out in the Latin American nation and sure enough, it happened today when hundreds of supporters of ousted President Manuel Zelaya gathered outside the Brazilian Embassy in Tegucigalpa and went toe-to-toe with The Man. Things got out of hand quickly and they really escalated, which is obviously what you hope for in any riot. Police broke out tear gas, water canons and in one case, fists of fury in an attempt to subdue the unruly crowd. One picture from the melee showed a policewoman punching a handcuffed woman in the face. Nice touch there, unidentified Honduran police officer! Nothing says classy public servant like taking a cheap shot at a woman who is handcuffed and unable to fight back. But the rioters didn’t just bend over and take it; they fought back and fought back hard. Demonstrators flipped over and burned a police vehicle, which makes me so proud that I may have to pause for a moment to compose myself. Another picture from the riot showed a photo of an overturned truck and eyewitness accounts have rioters lobbing rocks and anything else they could find at police. Yeah, the cops fought back with tear gas as they looked to disperse the rioters, but everyone who knows anything about rioting knows that tear gas is an absolute desperation measure. As for the site of the riots, the Brazilian embassy is where Zelaya has sought refuge since secretly returning to the country, so it is now ground zero for the resistance. With that in mind, the Honduran government also has placed sharpshooters near the embassy and is blasting the compound with loud noise to drive people inside "crazy." Several people have already been arrested and hopefully more are on the way because that will mean the riot is not subsiding. That might be tough now that military and police are preventing people from approaching the embassy, by setting up roadblocks 1,300 feet away from the embassy, but it’s doable. On a side not, zero props to the cowards at the U.S. Embassy in Tegucigalpa, which has closed because of the "fluid" situation there. Thank the State Department for that idiotic decision. In spite of this cowardice, let’s not overlook the bravery of the rioters. Because of them, Honduran officials also have extended an overnight curfew and have closed the airport in the nation's capital. "They have declared a state of siege," Zelaya said. Zelaya himself is under the threat of arrest if he leaves the Brazilian Embassy, so he’s suffering as well. For now he’s safe because under international law, a nation's embassy is sovereign territory in the host country and cannot be entered without permission. Even though Micheletti has asked Brazil to turn Zelaya over to Honduran authorities, Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva has refused. At this point, the issue isn't even Zelaya’s plans to hold an election that day on a measure to allow a president to run for a second consecutive term. No, the issue at hand is the will of the people to fight back against The Man, to make their voice heard and to strike back at the leaders of a military coup who have wrongfully seized power without being legitimately elected. Take it to the streets, y’all, and riot on………..

- At this point, I almost feel bad for Twitter. Twitter didn’t do anything to any of us; it was just sitting there, a site created with good intentions and the aim of helping people communicate and connect with others. It’s not Twitter’s fault that so many of the people using it are brain-dead, diarrhea-mouthed morons who don’t think before they typed and would probably still type incredibly stupid things even if they did bother to think. The worst offenders in typing moronic things via Twitter are probably athletes, which pains me to say. I like athletes and being one myself, I hate cracking athletes. But as bad as some random loser ruminating about how much he hates people with more than 12 items in the supermarket checkout line or how much he hates it when people drive slowly in the left lane, the tweets coming from athletes are just horrifically bad. Take Washington Redskins rookie Robert Henson as a perfect example of what I’m talking about. If you’ve never heard of Robert Henson, don’t feel bad. He’s a sixth-round draft pick who has yet to play this season. Why a sixth-round draft pick needs to tweet at all, I don’t know. Seriously, what is this guy tweeting about? “Just stood on the sidelines for three hours while my teammates went out and beat the Rams, boy am I hungry!” or “Coach still doesn’t know my name and keeps calling me ‘Hey you,’ hope that changes soon!” But Henson insists on having a Twitter account and because of that, he’s dug himself a bit of a hole. Seems that after Redskins fans booed the team during its lackluster 9-7 win over the lowly St. Louis Rams Sunday at FedEx Field, Henson fired off a tweet calling those fans "dim wits" and asked how people who "work 9 to 5 at Mcdonalds" could know what's best for the team. Great perspective, R. Those fans couldn’t possibly know football because they aren’t professional football players or coaches. You’d be better off tweeting about how annoying it is that the lid on the jar of pickles at home is screwed on too tight or musing about why there’s a cotton ball stuffed into the top of every bottle of aspirin than saying what you just said. It took all of one day for Henson to see the backlash against his comments and issue an apology, which he did Monday. The experience scarred Henson so badly that he has since yanked his Twitter page down and anyone clicking on Henson's Twitter account today saw a message saying "Sorry, that page doesn't exist!" Honestly…..it’s probably better that way. Lord knows what this tool would say if you gave him enough time and enough rope to metaphorically hang himself. I’m a big advocate of Twitter forcing would-be users to pass an IQ test before receiving an account, as it would help us avoid ugly incidents like this one……….

- For once, I find myself nodding confidently and agreeing wholeheartedly with Tyra Banks. Banks and I don’t see eye to eye on many things and I couldn’t care less about the many fashion-related and vapid projects she is constantly working on and/or promoting. However, Banks appeared recently on an episode of Larry King Live and that old geezer predictably brought up Banks’ weight gain and the portly figure she’s been sporting for the past couple of years. You may even recall the time when Banks devoted a portion of her talk show (which I keep trying not to watch and always succeed) to chastising those who mocked her cottage cheese thighs, flabby midsection and overall lack of physical conditioning. “Kiss my fat ass!” were here exact words, if I remember correctly. Well, the topic came up with King and for some odd reason, Tyra took the conversation in a potentially disastrous direction. She said the following, wandering off on a bit of a tangent: “I always feel great when I don't have clothes on. So at home, by myself, walking past ...” and her voice then trailed off as King moved on to the follow-up question. The funny thing is that I completely agree with and support that statement. I am all for Tyra Banks feeling good naked and loving walking around with no clothes on…..so long as I never, ever, ever have to see it - ever. As long as she stays in the privacy of her own, pulls the curtains shut, draws the blinds and stays in a room with no outside windows, then she can be naked as much and as often as she wants. I’m not some jaded, bitter person who doesn’t like to see others happy, so if Banks is happy without clothes on, then good for her. Let her be naked 24/7, but let that nudity be in the confines of her own home and without any cameras of any sort in a one-mile range. As jarring as the mental image of her walking around in the buff is, having that mental picture replaced by an actual picture would be tragic and awful. I know Banks has shed a few pounds since her infamous outburst, but in good shape she ain’t. So continue doing what makes you happy, T., just do it somewhere that I won't ever have to see it………….

A near-naked Megan Fox outdone by cartoons, Faceook in an international squabble and last night's Greek

- Judging by the numbers I’m looking at, a lot more people out there are interested in seeing an animated comedy than they are in seeing the über-hot Megan Fox with little or no clothing on. Fox’s new movie, the Diablo Cody-directed Jennifer’s Body, made a mere $6.8 million in its opening weekend, well behind the box office leader, Pixar’s family flick Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, which won the top spot with a strong $30 million debut. As a fan of animated movies and an even bigger fan of not seeing movies made by Tyler Perry make the most money on a given weekend, I was ecstatic to see Meatballs seize the top spot from Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself (as bad as the movie is, that’s the freaking perfect title for it), the reigning box office champion. Coming in second was The Informant!, starring Matt Damon and directed by Steven Soderbergh, with an estimated $10.5 million. In third place was I Can Do Bad All By Myself with $10 million, followed by Love Happens, co-starring Aaron Eckhart and Jennifer Aniston, in fourth place with $8.4 million. As a quick aside, can I say how nice is it to see Eckhart finally land a role that doesn’t have him playing a condescending, unlikeable ass? Dude seems to be cast in those roles a lot and typically does well in them, but good to see him in a likeable role. That $6.8 million take put Jennifer’s Body fifth for the weekend, with the rest of the top 10 being: 6) 9 ($5.5 million), 7) Inglourious Basterds ($3.6 million) 8) All About Steve ($3.4 million), 9) Sorority Row ($2.5 million) and 10) The Final Destination ($2.4 million). A big chunk of Meatballs’ revenue came from its 3-D runs, which always cost a few dollars extra to see. Overall, the total box office earnings were up significantly from last year at this time. This is one of those weekends where there were a few good movies in the top 10, so hopefully you had a chance to see one of them…….

- Considering that I (and I’m guessing you) have never heard of Colombian singer Juanes, the fact that this dude has managed to touch of an international controversy involving a country he’s not even from is pretty freaking amazing. Juanes, who I’m told is a 17-time Latin Grammy winner, is staging a "Peace without Borders" concert in Havana, Cuba as a platform for speaking out about change on the Communist island. He’s brought 15 international artists to Havana and hopes to help expedite the process of improving U.S.-Cuba relations. Any time you wade into a tense political environment like the one that exists both inside Cuba and wherever the island’s exiles reside, controversy is bound to break out and this is no different. The concert has sparked an exceptionally violent and angry reaction from the large Cuban exile community in Miami, where Juanes also resides. Juanes has received death threats over the concert via Twitter and his home in Miami is under police protection, which the singer admits he somewhat expected. "I mean, we knew that this was going to happen," he said on his Web site. "I have been living in Miami for seven years, and the first time I visited Miami was 10 or more years ago, so I know what happened in Miami with the Cuba issue and with all these things before [we decided] to go to Cuba to do this event. "I deeply regret having caused, let's say, this bad moment." The beef the Cubans exiles living in Miami have with the concert is that they view it as an endorsement of the Communist regime and a declaration of war - yup, you read that right: A DECLARATION OF WAR. And in any war, there are casualties. The first casualties of this war have been Juanes’ albums, many of which were smashed to pieces by Cuban exiles in a public anti-Juanes demonstration in Miami. To ease tensions, Juanes has spoken to Cuban exile leaders in Miami to explain his motives, but to little avail. “If they say that I am a Communist, that Juanes has political intentions," there is nothing to be done, he said. "I can only control what's in my heart, what's in my mind. We know what we are doing and why we are doing it." Performers at the concert will include Cuban performers barred from visiting the United States, like Silvio Rodriguez. The event will be held in one of Havana's main squares, La Plaza de la Revolucion, where Pope John Paul II appeared in 1998. Whether you love the idea or hate it, you have to admit that it’s good to see someone actively trying to enact change and make things better, even if it is with music I’ve never heard and artists I’ve never heard of………..

- Bad news hit the Cyprus Rhodes campus this week: it was the annual dry weekend for all fraternities and sororities, meaning no alcohol in any way, shape or form. Everyone took a slightly different approach to the challenge, with Casey ending up right in the middle of the no-alcohol fun quite by accident. After Pan-Hellenic president/witch Katherine announces dry weekend, Casey’s under-her-breath comments lead to her being called out and subsequently giving a speech about how Pan-Hellenic should give sororities other alternatives to have fun if they are banning alcohol for the weekend. Since Casey seems to be the one with the ideas, Katherine puts her in charge. That means Casey a) sets up a “progressive” evening in which each house has a fun activity (karaoke, a drunk driving simulator, etc.) and b) is assigned to do sober patrol with a member of the IFC (fraternity council), which turns out to be none other than her ex (one of them anyhow), Evan Chambers. The progressive evening turns out to be somewhat successful, as the karaoke and house-to-house party idea works fine. However, while on sober patrol, Casey inadvertently get high by eating a pot-laced brownie at the Psi Pi house and spend the rest of the evening - well, acting like stoners do. They chow down on salty snack foods and whipped cream, sit on the floor on the bathroom and sniff beauty products and have meandering, goofy conversations. Their stoner act plays out at the ZBZ house, which is also the backdrop for the ongoing tension between ZBZ president Ashleigh and her ex, Fisher. He’s still working at the house as a hasher, despite Ashleigh’s best attempts to run him off, and the party brings the tension to a boiling point. Despite promising not to get in her way if she meets a guy she likes at the part, Fisher can’t help but do just that to Ashleigh. She’s finally had enough and yanks him aside for a not-so-friendly chat. The result of the talk, aside from her punching him, is Fisher finally agreeing to quit. But after a heart-to-heart with Casey the next day, Ashleigh decides that she was too hard on Fisher and offers him his job back. He accepts, but clearly these two are on their way to getting back together. Relationships - at least with girls - aren’t the problem for Rusty, who is dealing with the reality of being dubbed “Anchor” by his engineering program peers because of getting a C on his organic chemistry midterm. Even roommate Dale is in on it, admitting that he too has been using the Anchor nickname for his pal (“Nerd on Nerd hazing is what Cappie terms it). To make the undesirable moniker go away, Rusty takes Dale’s suggestion of finding a faculty member to sponsor him for an outside research project. When his advisor, Dr. Hastings, turns him down for sponsorship, Rusty is at a loss. It isn't until Cappie inadvertently tells him that his mail is still coming to the KT house instead of his apartment that Rusty figures out what to do next. While sifting through his mail, he comes across an invitation to a book signing for Dr. Larson, another member of the engineering faculty. Cappie offers to tag along to the book signing mostly for the open bar, but also to be Rusty’s wing man as he looks to find a professor at the book signing who will sponsor his project. When the two of them arrive, they find Dale already schmoozing professors and brown-nosing, which is no surprise. While Cappie decides to hit on a few cute engineering students he sees, Rusty tries to talk to Larson about sponsoring his project. Dale informs him that Hastings is a “tough get,” but Rusty tries anyhow. He fails on his first attempt, just as Cappie is shot down by the girl he hits on. They put their heads together and decide that they need their wing man to be successful, so Rusty plays Cappie’s wing with the engineering girls and manages to make Cappie sound smart and interesting enough for one girl to take an interest. However, when Cappie returns the favor, Larson explains that he’s already agreed to sponsor Dale’s project. Rusty and Cappie confront Dale about stealing Hastings from out under his friend, so Dale reluctantly concedes that Rusty needs the help more and agrees that he should still ask Larson to be his sponsor. The third time is a charm, sort of, as Larson agrees…..to allow Rusty to be an assistant for Dale on his project. Rusty ultimately turns down the offer, but his boldness with Larson inspires Dr. Hastings to give him another shot and agree to sponsor Rusty’s project. The last story of the episode involves Calvin and roommate Grant, whose girlfriend comes to visit. That’s a stunner because Grant is homosexual, but clearly his girlfriend has no idea. She senses something is up, but Calvin knows he can’t be the one to tell her. Instead, she invites Calvin and his “special someone” on a double date to celebrate Grant’s birthday and he ropes Rebecca Logan into going with him. She’s willing to do so because she wants Calvin’s help mending fences with Ashleigh for kissing Fisher, so the double date ends up at Dobler’s, where the conversation finally wanders to a place where Calvin ends up admitting he’s gay and Grant decides to break the news that he is also. Honestly, this wasn’t a great episode, as it didn’t have a ton of humor (aside from KT members Wade and Beaver posing as academics to crash the open bar at the book signing) or a lot of interesting drama, so I have to say it was the weakest episode of the season so far, but still fun to watch (although no screen time for Rusty’s gal Jordan)………….

- I feel confident in saying that Facebook should never be the cause of any major controversies. It’s a site where people log on and take stupid quizzes about their favorite breakfast cereals and who they are secretly in love with, not a forum for debates and issues of substance. But when you live in the Middle East, I suppose that almost anything can be the trigger for a major controversy. The reason this involves Facebook is because the site has been faced with the challenge of whether to allow residents of the Golan Heights to list Syria or Israel as their home country. The debate over which way to go on the issue actually sparked fears about an anti-Facebook cyber-war, but the site has averted disaster by permitting both options. I suppose that sort of thing will happen when two groups have spent the past 42 years battling to the death over a piece of land, as Israel and Syria have when it comes to the Golan Heights. The area is Syrian territory that was captured by Israel during the Six-Day War in 1967 and been internationally classified as Israeli-occupied territory since then. Yet until Facebook’s recent change, users in the Golan Heights could only choose Syria as their country of origin or else leave it blank. How to react to that if you’re Jewish? As with any group feeling wronged or disenfranchised on Facebook, the answer was simple: start a Facebook group. Pro-Israel Web site honestreporting.com created a group called "Facebook, Golan residents live in Israel, not Syria." In its first week, the group added 2,500 members and shortly thereafter, the suits at Facebook changed their policy. "We have enabled users in Golan Heights to choose either Syria or Israel in the listings," a Facebook spokesperson explained. "We currently have the same dual-listing options for the West Bank settlement, which is listed in both Palestine and Israel. We deal with the listings for disputed territories on a case-by-case basis, and with Golan Heights we decided a dual listing made sense in this instance." Israeli users of the site are predictably thrilled with the change and Syrian users are tepid at best, incensed at worst. To that I say: Can’t we all just take a “When will you die?” Facebook quiz and get along…………

- Have a bunch of used, old electronics sitting around that have fallen into disuse as you’ve upgraded to the latest technology? I don’t, but I’m told a lot of you do and so I pass along this bit of info. Internet start-up Gazelle.com, which launched in 2006, may have a solution for your problem. The company pays cash for used electronics -- ranging from LCD TVs to video game consoles and cell phones -- and then either resells or recycles the items. Using their services is simple: just log onto the site, answer a few questions about how functional your device is and Gazelle calculates how much it will pay for the item through an algorithm that uses price data culled from primary and secondary retailers like eBay and Amazon. Selling your old laptop or iPod could net you a few hundred bucks, maybe more. At this point, the company still isn't turning a huge profit, but it hopes that will change soon. “Customers pay a premium for the convenience of having us sell the item for them," said spokeswoman Kristina Kennedy. On average, Gazelle accepts about 30,000 electronic devices a year and pays for shipping by sending customers a box for most orders. The item eventually lands at Gazelle's Boston office and is then evaluated by one of the company’s 75 employees. Also, for the tech stupid among us, they delete any user files that haven’t already been erased. The entire process typically takes four days or less, at the end of which the device is either recycled or sold off to secondary retailers, wholesalers or refurbishers. Kennedy estimates that about 90 percent of the 75,000 items that Gazelle has received have been resold, with customers netting an average of $100 per device. The operation has its genesis in the environmental spirit, as co-founder Israel Ganot was inspired to start the site after a local retailer said it would charge him $10 to recycle his old BlackBerry. Things were slow in the beginning, but now Gazelle is growing by 100 percent each quarter and took in more than 10,000 products in August alone. Now their primary competition appears to be consumers’ laziness and unwillingness to spend a few minutes sifting through their drawers and closets to fish out their unused electronics……..

Delonte West goes "Desperado," college football's weekend tells us things we should have known and a bear on the attack in Japan

- Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West has earned a reputation as a cool dude and a smooth operator among teammates and fans alike, along with being known as a lockdown defender and hard-nosed player on the court. Now, it seems West can add another label to his list: gun-toting badass. While his teammates are hopefully in the gym, grinding and getting ready for the upcoming season, West was arrested Thursday after officers pulled him over for speeding on a motorcycle while carrying two loaded handguns and a loaded shotgun in a guitar case. A loaded shotgun in a guitar case? Who is this guy, a shooting guard for an NBA team or the outlaw character El Mariachi in the 1995 movie Desperado? I’d love to know the story behind West ending up on his Can-Am Spyder motorcycle north on the Capital Beltway in Upper Marlboro at about 10 p.m. when he cut off an officer, who pulled him over. To his credit, West was neither drunk nor high, and he was also “very cooperative” with the officer and according to the police report, “there were no issues" during the incident. However, the officer did find a handgun in his pocket, another in his pant leg and a shotgun in a guitar case strapped to his back with the aforementioned shotgun inside. West was charged with speeding and weapons counts, as it is illegal to carry concealed weapons and to transport loaded guns in Maryland. The stay in jail wasn’t a long one for West, who was released on his own recognizance early Friday. The Cavaliers have stated that they are monitoring the situation, but as with all such teams in their position, there’s not much they can do until the legal process plays out. However, this situation can’t be encouraging to the team on the verge of training camp, as last year West left the Cavaliers' training camp to seek treatment for depression and a "mood disorder" he said he has battled his entire life. What frame of mind will he be in coming to camp with this hanging over his head? That, I don’t know. What I do know is that if you feel the need to strap yourself with a Beretta 9mm handgun, a Ruger .357 magnum handgun and a Remington 870 shotgun before heading out on a motorcycle ride, then perhaps you should find a safer hobby that doesn’t involve multiple firearms………

- Maybe I should be excited about the prospect of televisions capable of creating three-dimensional images becoming available to consumers by the end of next year, but I’m just not. Sony and Panasonic say they will release home 3-D television systems in 2010, while Mitsubishi and JVC aren’t far behind."TV finally becomes real" in three dimensions, said Robert Perry, an executive vice president at Panasonic. "You're in it. It's the next frontier." Whatever you say, Bobby. You may think that people are going to line up to pay thousands of dollars for these systems and to slam on those ridiculous 3-D glasses so they can see shows jump off the screen at them, but I think you’re wrong. Your claim that the 3-D transition is on par with the switch from black-and-white to color television and the shift from standard- to high-definition images is ridiculous at best. Yes, ESPN is test-recording some sporting events in 3-D, but this concept just seems too balky and cumbersome to really catch on. Seeing football players in hi-def is one thing, but having them jump off the screen and into your living room isn't something I want or need. Plus, television makers haven't released specifics on the price of 3-D TV, although (shocker), it will requires a new television, broadcasting content and 3-D glasses. In other words, let’s say you just ponied up for a new HD television and spent a couple thousand dollars for it. If you want 3-D television, you’d then have to find even more money in your bank account to pay for something that will also require you to look like a total ass by putting on red-and-blue 3-D glasses every time you want to watch a three-dimensional program. Oh, and there are concerns that 3-D broadcasts, which require twice the data, will gobble up an unworkable amount of television bandwidth, which isn't cool either. If you’re every worn 3-D glasses, you probably know that many people get headaches from wearing them and who wants that? Different companies will approach 3-D TV in different ways, of course, but in my not-so-humble opinion, they’re all going to end up at the same inevitable destination: realizing that 3-D TV isn't the next big thing, but rather a ridiculous phenomenon that simply won't catch on - ever…………..

- He’s now been captured, but I would love to know the thought process that went into allowing legally insane killer Phillip Paul to go on a supervised field trip to a county fair Thursday. The guy had been confined in a mental institution because of a murder confession, but he was allowed to be a part of a field trip and managed to escape while on said trip? Not cool. Paul escaped from the fair around noon, triggering a massive manhunt that didn’t end until late in the day Sunday. In the meantime, this loon was roaming free and sending waves of panic and terror throughout Spokane County. After all, Paul also escaped briefly in 1991 and assaulted a law enforcement officer, so he’s not exactly a reformed, rehabilitated non-threat to society. "These incidents, separate and coincidental, have raised serious questions about the security readiness of our two state psychiatric hospitals," said Susan Dreyfus, secretary of the state's Department of Social and Health Services, referring to Paul’s escape and other inmates who have also been able to escape under similar circumstances. So just what sort of psychopath was free for nearly 36 hours, roaming through Spokane County? Well, Paul was committed to Eastern State Hospital after admitting he strangled and slit the throat of community activist Ruth Motley in 1987 because he believed Motley was a witch and killed her in response to voices in his head. Oh, and after the murder, dude burned a deer carcass as a sacrifice, so there’s that too. To get a thorough picture of just how demented this guy is, realize that the extent of Paul's illness was disturbing even to mental health professionals. "He's the only paranoid schizophrenic -- I've seen hundreds, maybe thousands of them -- that frightened me," Dr. Frank Hardy, a licensed psychiatrist, said. "The first time I took one look at him -- and I've never done this before or since -- I asked the jailer to remain in the room while I examined him.” And that’s the kind of person who is going on field trips to the local fair in your area, Spokane! Thankfully Paul was captured by the end of the day Sunday, but what say we revise the policies and procedures allowing this sort of whacko to be out on field trips in the first place, Spokane County correctional authorities? Thanks………

- Where’s Ron Burgundy’s dog Baxter when you need him? Baxter saved the most legendary anchorman in the history of fictional movies about legendary anchormen, along with Ron’s lady friend Veronica Corningstone, from an angry bear in the bear exhibit at the San Diego Zoo, so I’m guessing Baxter could also have been of assistance in averting the disaster that struck when a bear injured nine people at highway rest stop in central Japan before being shot dead in a souvenir shop. The black bear meandered into the rest stop in Nyukawa, a small mountain town about 140 miles west of Tokyo, and proceeded to attack people it encountered at a bus parking lot. Once the bear had its fill of ripping human flesh in the parking lot, it then entered a lodge where it stormed the souvenir shop, possibly enraged by the ridiculous price of the useless trinkets that are sold in every souvenir shop in every corner of the world, proceeded to tear the place up and attack a few more people. Ultimately, the 4-foot-tall bear was trapped in the souvenir shop and shot dead by a hunter. Thankfully no one suffered life-threatening injuries in the attack in spite of the fact that the entire incident lasted about an hour. What’s interesting is that in the midst of the chaos, someone at the site decided that rather than attempt to help one of the people who was attacked by the bear, it would be a good idea to take a picture of the bear mauling that person while he lay prone in a parking lot and another man attempted to scare the animal off. Officials insist that bear attacks are extremely rare in the area even though the rest stop is on a mountainous road that is open during summer months to licensed buses and taxis and is popular with tourists for its scenic views. Perhaps this rest stop should find its own Baxter, who can then talk to the bears in their own language and assure them that the humans mean them no harm………..

- Coming off of the college football weekend, the one thought that sticks with me is that the “surprising upsets” of the weekend weren’t all that surprising. Third-ranked USC was coming off of the sort of big game (last weekend’s 18-15 win over Ohio State) that it always wins and up next on the schedule was the sort of game USC always loses - a ho-hum game against a mediocre conference opponent coming on the heels of said big win. The ho-hum opponent was Washington and with USC starting quarterback Matt Barkley sidelined with injury, the Huskies uglied up the game, held USC’s offense in check and won a 16-13 decision that will definitely boost the credibility of first-year head coach Steve Sarkesian with fans and players alike. Fact is, USC coach Pete Carroll can get his team ready for big games like no other and he always wins those games, but his teams inevitably have a letdown in a game where they are clearly more talented, stronger, faster and more athletic. The question now is whether the loss will keep USC out of the national championship picture, which I’m guessing it will. The other non-surprise surprise was No. 7 BYU, riding high after a couple of wins to start the season and at the center of the BCS-busting hopes for every sane, IQ-rich college football fan who is rooting for the demise of the Big Crap Shoot (BCS) and the creation of a playoff system. The Cougars entered the weekend 2-0 and ranked in the top 10, but they left it 2-1 and on the receiving end of a 54-28 beatdown from unranked Florida State in a home game for BYU. FSU busted out of the gate like a freaking tornado, built a huge lead and never really allowed BYU to get back into the game. Fact is, BYU had a win over then-No. 3 Oklahoma after the Sooners lost Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Sam Bradford to a shoulder injury just before halftime and then wiped out an overmatched Tulane team the following week. The Cougars were wildly overrated and a so-so ACC team went on the road and exposed them as such. The losses by USC and BYU were something we all should have seen coming, period. What wasn’t so easy to see was Lane Kiffin taking his Tennessee team on the road and actually being competitive enough to stay within 10 points at Florida. Kiffin no sooner accepted the Tennessee job than he began taking verbal shots at UF coach Urban Meyer, accusing him of cheating in the recruiting process and vowing to sing “Rocky Top,” the Tennessee fight song, after the Vols beat Florida this year. Well, the Vols didn’t win the game, but they were able to all but shut down all-everything quarterback Tim Tebow and the potent UF offense, losing 23-13 but proving that as a program, they’ve taken a definite step forward under Kiffin. The other noteworthy games of the weekend included: Notre Dame saving Charlie Weis’ job with closer-than-it-should-have been, 33-30 win at home against Michigan State, California getting four touchdowns from darkhorse Heisman candidate Jahvid Best to win 35-21 at Minnesota and BYU’s fellow Mountain West and Utah resident school, the University of Utah, further letting the conference down by going on the road and losing to unranked Oregon. The Utes had been No. 18 heading into the game, but the loss knocked them right out of the polls. Not a good weekend for the Mountain West, nor for the Mid-American Conference, whose teams played a slate of games against teams far better than they were and were universally beaten to a mid-major pulp by day’s end. All told, not a lot of surprises to take in, but not every college football weekend can be a legendary work of art, I suppose……….

More ammo for those who call America FAT, Guster on the comeback trail and Rich-er Fraud-riguez continues to be a scumbag

- This isn't going to help our reputation for being really, really FAT, America. Having a woman who is so morbidly obese that she has been turned down by more than 600 clinics in her home state of North Carolina is simply going to give the rest of the world more ammo with which to fire away at our flabby physiques. Sharon Purcell of Winston-Salem, N.C. has spent the last month in Wake Forest Baptist Hospital for various FAT-related medical problems and now that she’s ready to be discharged, she has nowhere to go because of her massive weight - 623 pounds. See, Purcell is too large for most rehab and weight-loss centers, she isn't a good candidate for gastric bypass surgery and she can't go home, because her bed and lifts won't fit through the door. In spite of that, this woman doesn’t appear to be all that motivated to eat healthier and change her lifestyle. "To me, food is life and food is death. If I don't eat, I'm going to die. If I eat, I'm going to die," Purcell said. Seriously, you need to stop making food the focal point of your life, Sharon. That line of thinking has gotten you where you are, namely on the verge of eating yourself to death. My God, take a look at yourself. The rolls and rolls of FAT on your body are suffocating your lungs, kidneys, and other organs and making it impossible for them to do their jobs. "Her legs are so big in the middle she can't put them together to walk. She has lymphedema, bad swelling, she's in pain all the time," said Elizabeth McLaurin, Purcell's daughter. With all of that on her plate, Purcell also must cope with the fact that one of her doctors believes she doesn’t have much time left to live unless something changes drastically. "It will not happen within hours or days, but certainly over months, we're not talking year," explained Dr. Tom Walsh, a bariatrics surgeon, in discussing the gradual breakdown of Purcell’s body. Late in the week, her family received some good news as a weight-loss facility in Illinois that can handle Purcell’s case was found. However, it would cost $6,500 to transport her there (yet another downside of being über-fat) and at this point, that’s money her family simply doesn’t have. I do sincerely hope that this woman finds a way to this facility and that it helps her lose 400 pounds or more, perhaps by calling in that kook Richard Simmons, but I just know that all the other countries who love mocking America's obesity will have a field day with this one.............

- How very freaking Rich-er Fraud-riguez of you, University of Michigan football coach Rich-er Fraud-riguez. What typifies this a-hole more than his steadfast refusal to administer any discipline at all to Michigan junior linebacker Jonas Mouton for punching Notre Dame center Eric Olsen following a run play with 8:42 left in the second quarter of last Saturday’s game? When asked about the punch before Wednesday's practice, Fraud-riguez said Mouton wouldn't face any punishment from the team. "What are you talking about?" Rodriguez told reporters. "I know they were talking about one incident on film, and I didn't see anybody throw a punch or anything like that. The little bit I saw on the clip, I saw guys got tangled up together, and Jonas tried to free himself. There's a whole lot of officials out there, and I'm sure if there was an infraction, then they'd call it." There are so many things wrong with that statement, I’m not sure where to start. How arrogant and dismissive to say that because the officials didn’t call a penalty, nothing wrong must have been done. Right, because the officials can see everything. Fact is, things happen in piles and packs on the field that officials can’t see but video of the action catches. That punch was one such play and Fraud-riguez’s idiotic denial that it happened was both insulting and offensive. Secondly, him trying to spin it that Mouton was merely trying to extricate himself from a pile was just as offensive. I’ve seen the video and he wasn’t looking to “free himself” from anything, unless he was attempting to free himself from his quandary of whether or not to punch Olsen in the head - in that case, mission accomplished. Further highlighting Fraud-riguez’s hypocrisy and asinine words is the fact that his league, the Big Ten, has stepped in and done what Fraud-riguez and UM have neither the class nor the integrity to do: suspend Mouton for one game for his blatant punch to the head of an opponent. Oddly enough, the Big Ten didn’t need all that long to review the video and make its decision after the same video of the same incident managed to baffle Fraud-riguez and confuse him as to what actually happened. The league also issued a public reprimand of Mouton and for the first time that anyone can remember, it stepped in to suspend a football player when the player's team did not. "The actions of Jonas Mouton during the Notre Dame game are unacceptable," Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany said in a statement. "Mouton's behavior has no place in the sport of football or the Big Ten Conference." Good thing someone is making a point of policing UM and their merry bad of thugs and miscreants, because their coach surely isn't getting that job done…………

- Score! We’ve found someone else willing to take a few Gitmo detainees off our hands and bring us that much closer to shutting down the detention facility that has long been a thorn in America’s side. The tiny Pacific nation of Palau has agreed to accept two more Chinese Muslim detainees held at Guantanamo Bay and those prisoners have accepted the transfer, their lawyer said Saturday. That brings the number of Gitmo rejects Palay has agreed to take on 13, which I have to admit is impressive. I mean, you’ve got guys who have been held by the U.S. since their capture in Afghanistan and Pakistan in 2001, they’ve been tortured (allegedly), deprived of their rights, treated like crap even though some of them may in fact be innocent and you’re asking other countries to welcome them so you can shut down the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay? Then again, getting shipped off to Palau is a significant improvement over the fate these Uighurs would face if China had its way. The Chinese regard them as terrorist suspects and want them returned, but U.S. officials have have focused on finding a country to take them in. "Two more of our clients have agreed to go to Palau as the U.S. continues to look for a permanent home for them," said Eric Tirschwell, the U.S.-based lawyer for four of the detainees. These guys aren’t the only former Gitmo prisoners headed to tropical new homes. In July, four Uighur detainees were resettled in Bermuda. All of the relocation agreements need U.S. Congressional approval, a process that is expected to take about two weeks. "We are hopeful that this long overdue move to freedom will happen as quickly as possible and are doing whatever we can to make that happen," Tirschwell said. The one curious aspect of this relocation process is that Palau is a developing country of 20,000 that is best known for diving and tourism. Not sure how adding some alleged terrorists and disgruntled Gitmo prisoners to the mix is going to affect that, but Palau is in the middle of the freaking Pacific Ocean, so I guess it’s out of sight, out of mind…….

- Fans of indie rock like myself have been missing the band Guster for the past three years, ever since its most recent studio effort, 2006's "Ganging Up on the Sun." Among other things, the band has spent the past couple of years making the transition into fatherhood, with three fourths of Guster members becoming dads over the last two years. However, the band is regrouping and looking to begin work on its next album. Guitarist-vocalist Adam Gardner is optimistic about the band’s ability to produce a lot of good, new music in the months ahead.
"Right now I think we have easily two albums worth of material, so it's really hard to know what we'll end up with," Gardner says. "Some of these songs go all over the place but there seems to be a coherence in all of them, which is good. It's still Guster, and we're still focused on melody." Fans had been hoping for the album’s release this year, but at this point a date some time in the first few months of 2010 seems much more realistic. As the album begins to take shape, Guster will also embark upon a 10-date fall tour Oct. 28 in Charlotte, N.C.

"It was one of those things where we weren't sure what the tour was going to be," Gardner stated. "We were hoping to have everything done before, and we're still hoping to do that, but I think it's likely that we'll still be finishing up. But that tour is really about the 10th anniversary of [1999 album] 'Lost and Gone Forever.' That record was really our first major label album we made with Steve Lilywhite, and it seems to be one of the records that resounds with the fanbase pretty heavily.” The theme of the tour will be ‘An Evening with Guster' in two sets, the first being 'Lost and Gone Forever' in its entirety and the second set being other songs from the band’s catalog and from the new album. As you’d expect with such a short tour, the shows will be set mostly in major cities, but I’m sure a more lengthy, wider-ranging tour will happen next year after the album is released, so fear not, Guster fans…….

- Now that’s what I’m talking about. With the G-20 international summit set to hit Pittsburgh next week, you knew that protestors and activists would be descending upon the Steel City looking to wreak havoc and make their various messages heard. However, I absolutely love the fact that some intrepid dissidents got an early jump on the action and make a statement by jamming nails and screws in the tires of about a dozen vehicles at Pittsburgh police headquarters in North Side some time late Wednesday night or early Thursday morning. Police aren’t sure exactly when the vandalism happened, but theorize that it may have occurred over the course of a week to unmarked detective cars parked in the facility's lower and upper lots. “We're discovering that detectives have come outside and found a tire flat and a nail in it, but they just assumed they had run over the nail," police spokeswoman Diane Richard said. "But then we are hearing that it's been happening to others, too." The vandals also got a piece of the personal vehicle of Sgt. Ronald Griffin, damaging its tires. In the wake of these hilarious acts of striking back at The Man, the department has officers patrolling the lot as "sentries" to look out for suspicious activity, but so far no arrests have been made and no suspects have been identified. I doubt that those responsible for these great pranks will be caught or step forward to take responsibility for their actions, but hopefully they’ll read this story and know that I am saluting their efforts and laughing right along with them…………

The pack mentality of idiots, Facebook snags a burglar and uniform humor in the NFL

- It’s one of life’s inevitable truth: guys in groups, especially young guys, inevitably end up doing stupid sh*t and acting like morons. Simply put, the pack mentality takes over and one guy acting like an idiot eventually leads to the entire group acting like idiots. Mix in the passion and testosterone-fueled energy of professional football and its fans and the recipe for disaster is all but foolproof. So it should surprise exactly no one that after Buffalo Bills cornerback Leodis McKelvin had his lawn defaced following his key fumble late in Bills' season-opening 25-24 loss at New England on Monday night, the culprits ended up being two 16-year-old males. No way, two teenage guys who love their football team were pissed after watching that team lose another big game in heartbreaking fashion and they went out and spray-painted a message and an obscenity on the lawn of the player whose mistake basically cost his team the game? Color me stunned. These two, whose identities were withheld because they are minors, admitted to committing the vandalism shortly after the game. Apparently they knew where McKelvin lives because they are from his neighborhood, which I’m guessing means these two live in a fairly nice section of town, as NFLers tend not the live in the ghetto. But as always, money can’t buy class or intelligence and these two tools are living proof of that. The Erie County district attorney's office will have to determine whether to take action against the suspects because McKelvin has refused to have them charged, showing that he is a lot more forgiving and classy than these two idiots would be (and most of us would be in his shoes, I’m guessing. I’d almost feel better if it had been a couple of beered-up idiots who lost money betting on the game and decided to take their frustration’s out on McKelvin’s lawn, because at least then there would be the mitigating factor of alcohol. But no, it was a couple of kids already acting like overzealous, out-of-touch fans with no perspective and no class. Then again, I suppose that makes these two stupid beyond their years………

- Facebook is a unique blend of components and vices. It’s addictive like crack for some people, it’s a means of connecting with friends and family for others and a method of quietly stalking people for people with little or no life. For one bumbling burglar in West Virginia, the social networking site also proved to be an effective crime-solving tool - assuming that the involved criminal is a brain-dead tool with an IQ of 60 or less. Jonathan G. Parker is one such idiot and when he committed a burglary in the town of Martinsburg, he committed one fatal faux pas that ultimately led to his downfall. His victim arrived home to find her home has been burglarized. She called police and Deputy P.D. Ware of the Berkeley County Sheriff's Department responded to the call. The deputy learned that the intruder had entered the home through a bedroom window, rifled through cabinets in her garage and most other rooms in the house. But it wasn’t until later that the victim realized (she’s apparently a bit slow on the pick up) that a) she was missing two diamond rings from her dresser in her bedroom and b) someone had used her computer, presumably the burglar. Normally that wouldn’t be a useful tool for finding a burglar unless he or she had left fingerprints on the keyboard that could be traced back to determine identity. But this was a special case with a special kind of criminal, as Parker had used the victim’s computer to log onto Facebook and subsequently forgotten to log off - uh oh! During the investigation, one of the victim’s friends informed her that the same man whose Facebook profile had been up on her computer was in fact staying at a house nearby. Police went to the home, spoke to a friend of Parker’s and were informed that the night before the burglary, Parker asked him if he wanted to help break into the victim's home but he refused. From there, it was merely a matter of tracking Parker down, slapping the silver bracelets on him and charging him with one count of felony daytime burglary. If convicted, he faces one to 10 years in prison. Now I don’t know if he would have ultimately been caught even if he’d been smart enough not to log onto Facebook during the burglary, but this just goes to show what an absolute tool this cat is. What, you couldn’t wait an hour to get home and update your Facebook status or accept those two new friends request? Maybe Parker is one of those losers who updates their status constantly with even the most mundane and inane things: “Making a PB&J sandwich for lunch, MMM!” or “Can’t believe it’s raining again, I hate rain!” Perhaps he even updated his status during the burglary: “Just broke into this lady’s house, casing the joint….sweet, a couple of nice rings!” But if you’re going to do that, my man, at least be smart enough to wipe the browser history clean, empty the cache and delete all of the cookies before you go. Shut the computer down, leave it in exactly the condition you found it and no one will be the wiser. Or better yet, have enough self-restraint and forethought to skip a Facebook session in the middle of a burglary. That’s lesson No. 6,788 at my ever-expanding seminar for aspiring-yet-stupid criminals, coming soon to a town near you………..

- Man’s game, eh Tom DeLay? Because what’s a tougher, manlier play than suffering a pre-stress fracture in your right foot but valiantly vowing to continue competing in a lame reality dancing show with a bunch of D-list rejects and never-were’s to see who can throw on the most ridiculous, feather-laden, neon costumes and do the Flamenco to orchestral versions of crappy pop songs and vowing to continue competing “until the foot breaks”? The former House Majority leader is clearly pretty pumped about being a part of this lame-fest, known as Dancing With the (D-List) Stars because he’s going to keep on dancing at the risk of hurting his foot boo-boo. "I'm very cognizant that if it breaks I may have to leave the show, so I am trying to follow the doctor's orders. His orders were relative rest," DeLay said. "Let me put it this way: I'm going to dance until the foot breaks." Here’s hoping that happens sooner rather than later, T.D. And no, I’m not saying that because I think DeLay is a tool for agreeing to appear on this show, although I do think that. No, I’m hoping his foot breaks because that’s the quickest way for him to get off of this abortion of a reality show because he’s clearly too stupid to do it voluntarily. Seriously, of all the things to risk your health for, this is easily among the five dumbest and most pointless. How many of you can tell me who has won any of the however many seasons of this crap-fest there have been? Not many, I’d say. And if you can tell me, get lost because I don’t want anyone with entertainment standards that low reading this space. You don’t need to actually watch DWTDLS to actively root for DeLay to break his foot into a thousand pieces. "Now I'm walking around in ugly hiking books. I'm icing every 30 minutes and we're not dancing for as long a period of time and I'm resting longer," DeLay informed us even though no one cares. He and partner Cheryl Burke will take on the rest of the has-been/never-were losers beginning whenever it is that this nightmare starts and DeLay plans on receiving regular cortisone shots to keep him going. “I'm going to the bitter end — whatever happens!" he exclaimed. The only way I’m going to be bitter is if this guy’s foot doesn’t shatter like a glass bowl hitting a cement floor………..

- Dunta Robinson, you have my full support even if your team, the Houston Texans, don’t have your back. Embroiled in a contract dispute with the team, Robinson decided to send a message in Sunday’s season opener using a unique billboard: his shoes. Robinson wore shoes with the words "Pay me Rick" written on them, referring to general manager Rick Smith. That message cost him $25,000 in the form of a fine from the Texans, although I have to admit that the zealots in the NFL office who police every minute detail of players’ uniforms down to the height of their socks and the towels they tuck into the waistband of their uniform pants didn’t also fine Robinson for doing anything to stand out from the other 21 players on the field. "I got here today, and it was in my locker," Robinson said of the letter informing him of his fine. "I knew it was coming. I talked to Rick [on Monday], and he said he was going to fine me, so there's nothing to be surprised about. "It was over a long time ago. I've moved on. Me and Rick don't have a problem. I'm focused on Tennessee [this Sunday]." Basically, the contract dispute boils down to the fact that the team hit Robinson with the franchise tag this offseason, meaning that any team wishing to sign him would have to compensate them with two future first-round draft picks, a price no one is going to want to pay. The franchise tag does mean that a player must be paid a salary equal to that of the average salary for the top five players at his position in the NFL, but for a guy like Robinson, seeking a long-term contract, it’s not the solution he’s looking for. That’s what prompted his clever sartorial shout-out to his GM, even though Smith said that he told Robinson when he signed his contract for this year (the one mandated by the franchise tag) that the issue of a long-term deal could not be a lingering issue. "When he reported to sign his contract, I explained to him how important it was that he not let his contract status become a distraction," Smith said. "He assured me he would do that. That's not the message we want to send. I explained that to him Monday.” C’mon Rick, grow a sense of humor. That’s tough after your team opened its season with an embarrassing 24-7 home loss to the Jets, but everyone can use a laugh and having one of your players make his contract situation a public matter without speaking a word is hilarious. Robinson got that off of his chest, Smith got to lay the disciplinary smack down on him and Robinson plans to donate the money from the fine to a Boys and Girls Club or a needy family - everybody wins. I’m 100 percent behind my man Dunta, even if his own team isn’t………..

- Planning that long-awaited trip to Ciudad Juarez, Mexico? Unless your vacation plans include your own death, now would be a good time to reconsider those plans. As prolific as Juarez was in 2008 in terms of murders in 2008 with 1,607, 2009 has blown right past its predecessor and at this rate, there may not be anyone left alive in the city by year’s end. As of Wednesday, the death total for Juarez in 2009 stands at 1,647, pushed past last year’s record total by a rash of killings this week that included a stunning 12 on Tuesday. Of course, Juarez is located right across the border from El Paso, Texas, so you could always just vacation in El Paso, enjoy the scenery there and buy a nice pair of binoculars to scope out the bloodshed and brutality over in Juarez. Drug-related violence has long been a factor in the city, but things really spiraled out of control in early 2008, when the Sinaloa drug cartel began a turf war with the Juarez cartel. In response, President Felipe Calderon sent federal troops to patrol the city and at least 7,500 troops will remain in Juarez at least for another six months at the mayor's request, but that simply hasn’t done much to curb the killings. The city is also trying to do its part by adding additional police officers, but the drug cartels in Mexico are legendary for buying off or intimidating the cops in order to get their business done. So lots of success to the 635 new police officers who graduated from the police academy and joined the Juarez police force Monday, but even a police department that’s now up to more than 2,600 officers seems little match for the cartels. But wait, the police also have an exciting new weapon that is sure to help shut down those nasty drug cartels: a new crime-stoppers phone system. Yes, they’re expecting people to phone in tips to help them in their fight against the cartels. That’ll last right up to the point that someone phones in with a tip, has their head lopped off and hung from a lamp post. I guess what I’m saying here is that maybe, maybe Juarez is not the place to go if you’re looking to relax……or stay alive……..

ACORN hearts hookers (allegedly), how Brett Favre is like an STD and the dubious combination of Amtrak and firearms

- How great is it that ACORN, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, which calls itself the nation's largest community organization of low- and moderate-income families, working together for social justice and stronger communities, is at the center of an alleged scandal involving its staffers helping pimps and hookers obtain housing for their business? In the past few weeks, secret videos showing ACORN workers engaging in this illegal behavior have begun popping up and this week, a fourth such video surfaced. Filmmaker James O'Keefe and his partner Hannah Giles, who posed as a prostitute named "Eden," set up their little sting operation against Tresa Kaelke, a staffer at ACORN's office in San Bernardino, Calif. Just as in their three previous videos - set at the group's offices in Baltimore, Washington and Brooklyn, N.Y. - O’Keefe and Giles are able to get Kaelke on screen, offering to assist the couple in their efforts to establish an illegal sex business. They lay out their plan to bring in 12 girls from El Salvador to work in a home they hope to acquire via the community organization. "We're bringing these girls from overseas, but we are going to take a cut of the profit and intend to use the profit from the tricks the girls perform to fund my political campaign and the advertising," O'Keefe tells Kaelke. He goes on to explain that the prostitution business will fund at least 50 percent of his planned run as a Democratic congressional candidate. Surprisingly, Kaelke admits to O’Keefe and Giles that she once turned tricks herself. However, she’s initially skeptical of the plan and does caution O'Keefe and Giles that they are doing some very illegal things if they follow through on their plan. "You know you are breaking the law if you have these girls in your care and they're minors," Kaelke said on the tape. “If I didn't know better, and I don't, but I would think this is a total setup." In spite of that, she didn’t report O’Keefe and Giles to the police, which would technically be the right move. In fact, being in the position she’s in, Kaelke was obligated to do so and failing to fulfill that obligation is tantamount to condoning the prostitution ring in the eyes of many. But leave it to the good folks at ACORN to insist that Kaelke knew she was being set up and only responded as she did to play along with the ruse. "She matched their false scenario with her own false scenarios," ACORN said in its written statement. Sure thing, ACORN. Just one question: Why would Kaelke play along at all? She wasn’t some undercover cop on a sting operation, looking to take down a wanted criminal. Even if she knew the whole situation was a setup, playing along gave O’Keefe a damning video to use against ACORN and put anyone viewing it in a position to judge and condemn the organization that they would not have been in if she had merely done the right thing and shut O’Keefe and Giles down right away. Instead, she told the couple, "As far as getting a place, I don't know why you don't go out and rent a place," adding that the couple could classify it as a "group home" to avert detection. When O’Keefe tells her that he and Giles have been unable to get financing from other places, Kaelke didn’t exactly tell him that ACORN wouldn’t be helping set up their prostitution business either. "ACORN will tell you the same thing, they will," Kaelke said. "You might get an old-timer like myself who really knows what's up and who could care less." Now I can't say for sure what Kaelke was thinking and what her intentions were, but what I can tell you is that she looks bad, ACORN looks bad and it wouldn’t have been this way if she’d played this scenario the right way from the beginning………….

- Brett Favre is like the worst STD; a gift that keeps on giving…..and giving…..and giving pain, suffering agony. Not only does he come to your team after hijacking the entire NFL news scene with his retire/unretire bullsh*t, scammed his way out of having to participate in training camp and offseason workouts and stroked his massive ego in the process while lying to everyone in sight about his intentions, he then doesn’t bother to learn his new teammates’ names, often isolates himself from the team and oh yeah, puts himself smack dab in the middle of injury cover-ups that result in fines for a team and its former coach after Favre is long gone. Even for Favre, this is something new, as he is at the center of a controversy involving his lone season played with the New York Jets, the 2008 campaign. Basically, Favre played the year with a torn biceps tendon and with that injury, he should have appeared on the Jets’ injury report. Teams must list all injured players on their injury report based on the probability that they will play in that week’s game, ranging from probable (75 percent chance to play) to doubtful (25 percent chance to play). With his injury, Favre should have been on that injury report in some form. However, the Jets failed to list him on the injury report at any point and more than likely that fact would have simply gone by the wayside - if not for Favre’s big mouth. Speaking with the media after practice for the team whose season and spotlight he is currently commandeering to feed his massive ego, Favre “inadvertently” let it slip that he thought he was hurting the Jets because of the injury and had discussed it with the coaches and the front office. He then tried to paint himself as noble and unselfish (both lies) by saying that he would have been willing to sit out, even though that would have ended his NFL-quarterback-record streak of consecutive starts, which now stands at 270 games. That revelation led the NFL to investigate and before the league could even reach a decision, Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum admitted the Jets should have listed Favre as "probable" on their injury reports. The NFL seems to agree, because on Wednesday the league assessed a total of $125,000 in fines to the New York Jets and former coach Eric Mangini for violating the league's rules on injury reporting. The team was hit with a $75,000 fine and Tannenbaum and Mangini each received $25,000 penalties. So why is the league so vigilant about ensuring that teams are truthful with their injury reporting? Well, because gambling is such an essential part of the sport, er, um, because hiding injuries could affect an opponent's preparation, that’s why. Commissioner Roger Goodell clearly viewed this case as an opportunity for the league to show teams how serious it is about enforcing these rules and he said as much earlier this week. What cracks me up about this (and doesn’t surprise me one bit) is that while Tannenbaum and the Jets have somewhat owned their mistake, Mangini continues to profess his innocence, saying he has always abided by the league's guidelines for injury reports. "That was true there [in New York]. It's true here," Mangini said. "It'll be true every week of the season and that's how we approach it." Highly unlikely, E. I know you like to consider yourself something of a covert CIA operative, trying to keep the secret identity of your Week 1 starting quarterback like the United States keeps its nuclear secrets, but it’s pretty clear you knew what was going on. No way your starting quarterback is hurting and he talks about it with the coaching staff but you don’t know. All in all, Favre comes across as disingenuous here for saying what he said, knowing full well the sort of problems it would create. He just doesn’t care, but don’t buy the good ol’ boy, aw shucks routine he’s selling. Dude is cunning, conniving and calculated and he threw the Jets under the bus big time. The only one who comes off nearly as bad as Favre here is Mangini because he simply won't own his dishonesty and stop the lying…………

- Guns on Amtrak trains, what could be better? You’re already putting your life in serious jeopardy by setting foot on an Amtrak train to begin with, so why not add a little firearms fun to the mix? What makes this story so much better is that it’s the freaking federal government that is demanding Amtrak allow guns on its trains or else the company would lose its federal subsidies. A bill passed by both the House and Senate mandates that unless Amtrak puts a system in place by early next year to check and track firearms so that passengers can legally put the weapons in their checked baggage, those subsidies will be ripped from them. The House passed its version of the bill back in July, but the Senate didn’t pass its version until this week, approving it by a 68-30 vote. The measure, which is technically an amendment to the transportation and housing appropriations bill, passed Monday but because the House version of the bill does not include the provision, the bill must now go to a conference committee to resolve all differences between the two versions before it can land on President Obama’s desk. At this point, Amtrak's policy prohibits passengers from carrying "any type of gun, firearm, ammunition, explosives or weapon" in carry-on or checked baggage. According to Amtrak spokesman Steve Kulm, firearms were allowed in checked baggage before the September 11 attacks, but the policy changed after that. What’s funny is that Amtrak has no real, detailed procedure for searching for firearms; it merely says they are not allowed. Fact is, the railroad has no secure loading areas, and trains make multiple stops, so keeping guns off of trains is already virtually impossible. In spite of that, National Railroad Passenger Corp. (Amtrak) claims that putting a screening system in place would require money and time that the railroad simply doesn’t have. However, Kulm warned that if Amtrak were to lose federal funds, it would result in the "cessation of all Amtrak service nationwide." If put in place as spelled out in the Senate version of the bill, the new measure would require the following: 1) before checking the bag or boarding the train, the passenger must declare that the firearm or pistol is in his or her bag and is unloaded, 2) the firearm or pistol must be carried in a hard-sided container and 3) the hard-sided container must be locked, and only the passenger has the combination or key. The man responsible for the vice grip in which Amtrak currently finds its balls is none other than Sen. Roger Wicker, R-Mississippi. Wicker sponsored the gun measure in August as part of the budget resolution. His reasoning for the idea, other than being a gun-toting Southerner (just kidding, Southerners) actually pretty convoluted. "Under current practices, all of the American domestic airlines permit firearms in their checked luggage. Other American passenger railroads also allow checked firearms," Wicker said on the Senate floor Wednesday. "Only the federally subsidized Amtrak prohibits law-abiding American citizens from exercising their Second Amendment rights in checked baggage.” The new federally-mandated rules for carrying firearms would ostensibly work hand in hand with what Amtrak terms on its Web site as "a range of behind-the-scenes and front-line security measures" that include random passenger and carry-on baggage screening; checked baggage screening; K-9 units; onboard security checks; and identification checks. " Bottom line here: In order to receive any federal funding under this amendment, Amtrak would have six months to build a process for checking and tracking firearms. Based on its less-than-inspiring record of keeping its trains on tracks nationwide, color me less than optimistic about the railroad’s chances for success in that endeavor………

- Attention dudes everywhere: She may be married, she might not speak to or associate with you in any other way, but a rare opportunity has presented itself for you to hang with none other than the über-hot Scarlett Johansson. Johansson is auctioning off two movie premiere tickets, as well as a meet-and-greet session, for next spring's "Iron Man 2" premiere. Granted, she’s only doing it for charity, but does it really matter why you get to hang out with Scarlett Johannson? The prize will be auctioned off on eBay beginning Thursday at 10 p.m. EST at eBay.com/Oxfam, with all proceeds benefiting Oxfam America, an organization long dedicated to finding lasting solutions to poverty, hunger, and social injustice around the world. And I’m sure that’s exactly why thousands of men ages 18 to 49 will be bidding the heck out of this auction, because of philanthropic motives. The auction will run through September 24, so you don’t have a ton of time to get in on the action. "I'm so thrilled to be a part of this eBay charity opportunity, again raising funds for Oxfam," Johansson said in a statement. "Oxfam is an incredibly worthy organization that I'm most passionate about.” If you win, you and a guest will attend the Los Angeles, California premiere and receive a complimentary session at the Cristophe Salon in Beverly Hills, California to prepare for the red carpet. I’m personally rooting for a guy with a wife, fiancée or steady girlfriend to win and take that lady to the premiere so she can spend the entire night glaring at her significant other while her drools and obsesses over Johannson. Should you be too poor or value your marriage/relationship too much to put it on thin ice by bidding on a night hanging with Scarlett Johannson, you could always settle for her chair from the set of her hit movie "He's Just Not That Into You" or signed LPs of Johansson's latest single "Realtor" (a duet with Pete Yorn), both of which are also up for auction and should be markedly cheaper than the night at the movie premiere. And for the ladies out there who may be asking what there is for you to bid on, rest assured that Oxfam America has not forgotten about you. You can bid on a Hollywood-style experience featuring the hunky Colin Firth if you so choose. Whatever you bid on, keep in mind that it’s all for a great cause…………

- Taking over health care isn't the only sector where the federal government is looking to mirror the private sector. Just as Apple and Microsoft have their own app stores for applications to be used on smart phones, the Obama administration has unveiled a government "app store" designed to push the government into the era of cloud computing. It’s a decision designed to save money and cut budgets, as it will have some federal employees using services like YouTube, Gmail and WordPress to store data on private Internet servers instead of on those paid for with public money. Vivek Kundra, the U.S. chief information officer and the No. 1 pick in my government bureaucracy fantasy draft last month, made the announcement Monday. "Our policies lag beind new trends, causing unnecessary restrictions on the use of new technology," Kundra wrote on WhiteHouse.gov. "We are dedicated to addressing these barriers and to improving the way government leverages new technology." The Obama app store will be exclusively for federal employees doing official government business and not available for use by the public. In a related development, Google announced the creation of a "government cloud," in which public data will be stored on Google computer servers by 2010 to meet the needs of federal, state and local governments. For those not familiar with the concept of "cloud computing," its fundamental principle if allowing users to access applications that exist online instead of ones taking up space on their computers' hard drives. In tandem, these two projects should help the government save money, although how much money depends on what figures and statistics you believe. According to Kundra, the federal government spends $75 billion per year on data storage and other information technology costs. He also contends that the new arrangement will give government employees access to tools sometimes used in the private sector. The app store, located at apps.gov, will bring together Web programs, tools and services available to some government employees. Some apps will be free, but many will be for sale. “With more rapid access to innovative IT solutions, agencies can spend less time and taxpayer dollars on procedural items and focus more on using technology to achieve their missions," writes Kundra. One concern that everyone, government personnel or the public, would seem to be the security of the app store and the data stored there. And while everyone involved is adamant that security won't be a problem, any time data is stored online, there is no way to be 100 percent sure that a hacker won't find a way in…………

I take on some Native Americans, a warning for some Somali pirates and good news for Vampire Weekend fans

- You freaking Native American kooks. Yes, you had your land stolen by the white man when he came to this country and you were run off that land, given smallpox-infested blankets and crammed onto too-small reservations, all of which are travesties and injustices of the highest order. That being said, one thing I will never support is the malcontents among you who insist on waging war against college and professional sports teams who use Indian-themed nicknames and/or mascots to represent themselves. Whether it’s the Cleveland Indians, Marquette University, the Atlanta Braves or any other team/school, these idiots who clearly having nothing better to do with their lives insist on persecuting these teams and schools and campaigning for them to change their mascots and nicknames because their current ones supposedly belittle and demean the Native American culture and legacy. The kooks eventually won out at Marquette, which changed its nickname from Warriors and its mascot from an Indian head to the Golden Eagles. Thankfully sanity has prevailed in Cleveland, where Chief Wahoo remains in place and the Indians are still the Indians. The latest such assault comes from a group of American Indians who take great offense to the Washington Redskins name and want the Supreme Court to take up the matter. Amazingly these tools were able to score a meeting with the court’s nine justices Monday and asked the court to review a lower court decision that favored the NFL team on a legal technicality. Worse still, this group of seven Native Americans has been hacking its way through the court system since 1992, wasting everyone’s time, money and energy in trying to have the Redskins trademarks declared invalid. Somehow they won a decision from a U.S. Patent and Trademark Office panel in 1999, but in seeking to enforce that ruling, they’ve been shot down by a series of judges who ruled that they simply waited too long to bring their suit in the first place. Yet here they are, trying to take up time from the highest court in the land, a court with much bigger and more important issues to weigh in on. Thanks for continuing this charade and giving the rest of us something to make fun of, group of seven Native Americans involved with this case, but beyond that, you all are utterly useless…………

- As someone who has been against the Iraq war from Day 1 and still considers it this country’s biggest debacle since Vietnam (which I wasn’t actually alive for), what I’m about to say might be surprising. Whereas the war in Iraq has always been illegitimate, indefensible and bogus, the war in Afghanistan has had a justifiable purpose: going after Al Qaeda. We know Afghanistan is where they operate for the most part and that idiot Osama bin Laden is there, so waging war there makes a lot of sense. If anything, every soldier and supply that went to Iraq should have been going to Afghanistan and maybe we’d be a lot farther along there than we currently are. Yet it seems that most Americans aren’t even down with going after the terrorists and waging a war that needs to be fought. A new national poll, released this week, indicates that support for the war in Afghanistan is at an all-time low. A mere 39 percent of Americans favor the war in Afghanistan, with 58 percent opposed to the mission. Journey back merely to April and you’ll find that 53 percent of Americans supported the war then. The 39 percent figure marks the lowest level of support since the start of the U.S. military mission in Afghanistan after the September 11, 2001, attacks. Perhaps not so surprisingly, the breakdown of who supports the war and who doesn’t looks like this: 23 percent of Democrats, 39 percent of independents and 62 percent of Republicans. However, even Republican support for the war has dipped an estimated eight percent in the past month. The Iraq war has been a different story all along, as support for the modern-day Vietnam first dropped to 39 percent in June 2005 and has generally remained in the low to mid-30s since. So what has precipitated the American people’s sudden and swift turn against a war we actually need to be fighting? Well, it could have something to do with the fact that this poll was released after the two deadliest months for the U.S. military in Afghanistan. A total of 93 U.S. troops were killed in Afghanistan in July (45) and August (48), each setting a new high for deaths in a month. In spite of the wavering support, President Obama has called Afghanistan a "war of necessity" and maintained a strong on defeating the Taliban and al Qaeda militants operating there. And in a decision that will surely rankle the majority of Americans now that a majority opposes this war, U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates is expected to approve sending thousands of additional troops to Afghanistan to deal with the growing threat from roadside bombs. In other words, Obama’s health care plan ain’t the only unpopular thing that’s about to be forced down the throats of the American people……….

- Ironic as it is the a band named Vampire Weekend developed a cult following after the release of its self-titled album in 2008, the fact is that the boys from VW are hanging around and looking to build on their ever-increasing indie rock cred. Vampire Weekend is a New York band, but its debut album caught the attention of indie fans nationwide and even worldwide. Their unique, offbeat style and talent for mixing creative lyrics, quirky vocals and a cacophony of sounds in their songs make for great listening. This week, Vampire Weekend announced on its website that its sophomore album, "Contra," will be released on January 12. In its shows this spring and summer, the band previewed the album by playing the song "White Sky." Those who saw them on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" in March or at the All Points West festival in New Jersey in late July heard the song, although it’s tough to judge from one song what an entire album will sound like. Thus far, Vampire Weekend's self-titled debut has sold 466,000 copies since its release in Jan. 2008 and I’d look for even bigger numbers this time around given how much their fan base and exposure has increased in the past 20 months or so. The full track list for "Contra," (which probably doesn’t mean much at this point without the sounds and lyrics of each song to attach to it) is:

"Horchata," "White Sky," "Holiday,"
 "California English,"
"Taxi Cab,"
"Run,"
"Cousins,"
"Giving Up the Gun,"
"Diplomat's Son," and
"I Think Ur a Contra." So for the indie rock fans out there (too few in my book), this is something to look forward to at the start of 2010………

- While I have always had an will continue to have much admiration for my boys the Somali pirates, I think they may have overstepped their bounds a bit this week. Ordinarily I’m a fan of these scourges of the high seas harassing, hijacking, looting and plundering from anyone they choose, but that was until they messed with a North Korean cargo ship. The incident occurred last week in waters just off the coast of Somalia near Mogadishu. The Somali pirates attacked but had to abort when crew members fought back with Molotov cocktails and sped away. It was actually a smart time to attack, as the North Korean ship was adrift off the coast of Mogadishu for engine work. The crew of 10 pirates saw their chance and pounced on the wounded ship, approaching in two speedboats. Unfortunately the crew of the North Korean ship immediately started the engine and moved away, calling in for help as it fled while the scallywags in the speedboats began firing rocket-propelled grenades and machine guns. The ship was somehow able to fend off the pirates and escape, but I’m worried that the tale won't end here for the pirates. See, what concerns me is that they attacked a North Korean ship and we all know how North Korea reacts to this type of incident. Kim Jong Il and Co. are hurriedly working toward developing their own nuclear weapons and a way to launch them all the way to the U.S., so I have a feeling that the coast of Somalia is well within reach or will be soon. That whack job K.J. Il is a homicidal, maniacal dictator who has no regard for the lives of his own people, so what does he care if he obliterates a few pirates in the Gulf of Aiden? The combined trouble incurred from attacking the other 155 ships that pirates have attacked off the coast of Somalia this year won't even be close to the wrath they may face for going after just one North Korean vessel. The North Koreans are “likes to fight” guy, that edgy psycho just looking for any excuse to go. You don’t provoke them, you just keep your head down, don’t make eye contact and shuffle on by as quickly as possible. The only hope for these pirates is that no one got a good enough look at them or their boat to identify them, because that may be their only chance to stay alive and retain all of their body parts and appendages. Next time, be more careful about who you attack and make sure to double-check that no North Koreans are involved in the equation, Somali pirates. I still love you guys, but you have to step your game up…………..

- Rather than trot out a bunch of lame wrasslin’-related puns to announce that former World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon will be running for Senate in of Connecticut next year as a Republican, how’s about I take the high road? No quips about her looking to put a smackdown on the competition, seeking to power bomb incumbent Sen. Chris Dodd or make the voters tap out, no siree. I do think it will be interesting to see how voters react to McMahon’s candidacy for a variety of reasons. For one, her husband Vince and two children are still actively involved in the WWE’s multiple TV shows and Vince appears regularly on WWE’s Monday Night RAW, ECW and Friday Night Smackdown. Having your husband orchestrating cage matches and get clobbered with steel folding chairs may not be the best way to endear yourself to voters. Plus, Linda McMahon herself has been an active, on-screen participant in multiple WWE storylines over the years and you can be sure her opponents will seize on those images to portray her as a celebrity/millionaire dabbling in politics without the experience and expertise to do the job. Furthermore, you may recall that over a decade ago, Vince McMahon was hauled before a congressional committee and grilled over the rampant use of steroids within WWE, then known as the World Wrestling Federation. That was quite the debacle for WWE and nearly crippled the company, although it has bounced back quite well. As for Linda McMahon’s candidacy, she describes herself as a "different kind of candidate" who will run a "different kind of campaign” than her opponents. “With your help, we are going to change Washington and start making Washington work for ordinary people," she said on her campaign Web site. In an interesting twist and in mirroring the campaigns of other independently wealthy people who have made a run for public office, McMahon vowed to finance much of her campaign using the fortune she made from WWE and limit contributions to $100. Now ultimately this could be a moot point, as there is already a clusterf*ck of candidates lining up for the Republican primary and as such, McMahon faces long odds to even make it to the main race and take on Sen. Dodd. Personally I’m rooting for her if for no other reason than the possibility of having a female senator who can possibly kick Hank Clinton’s ass if things get out of hand in the Senate chamber………

The San Francisco 49ers don't negotiate with terrorists, the best album of 2009 and FAT-centric TV on Tuesday

- It is the policy of the United States not to negotiate with terrorists and the San Francisco 49ers seem to have embraced the same philosophy in dealing with holdout draft pick Michael Crabtree. To make a long story short, Crabtree was expected to be a top 5 pick and the top receiver chosen in the 2009 NFL Draft but ended up as the second receiver selected and the tenth pick overall. In spite of that, he and agent Eugene Parker have continued to insist that he be paid as if he had been the first receiver chosen and had been selected where they felt he deserved to be drafted as opposed to where he was actually drafted. Thus, Crabtree hasn't accepted the 49ers' offer for approximately five years and $20 million with a reported $16 million guaranteed. He’s seeking money comparable to the five-year contract with at least $23.5 million guaranteed that was given to Oakland Raiders receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey, the No. 7 choice and the receiver who was inexplicably taken ahead of Crabtree (ironically, Heyward-Bey played in Week 1 and had as many catches as Crabtree had sitting on his couch at home). But the 49ers aren’t budging and head coach Mike Singletary said that he’s asked the team’s front office to keep him completely out of it so he can focus on the 53 players he has on the active roster. "At this time in the year, that may be the case," Singletary said of making a new offer. "At this point, the whole Crabtree thing, it's over there. I'm focused over here." However, he did say that the team’s decision makers have talked about changing their offer to Crabtree and I feel confident in saying it’s not for more money. They just won their season opener on the road against the defending NFC champion Arizona Cardinals and looked good doing it. The Niners also know that Crabtree won't be drafted nearly as high if he sits out the season and re-enters the draft next year. They’ll hold his rights up to draft day, meaning he won't be allowed to work out for any other teams. Those teams will also have to weigh the possibility of drafting a guy who a) hasn’t played in a year and a half, b) will clearly be tough to sign and c) apparently is more focused on getting paid than becoming a great NFL player. So while he would be way, way behind if he did sign with Frisco this season, it’s Crabtree’s best move. That $16 million in guaranteed money is going to look awfully good compared to what he will likely be offered next year if he’s drafted again. So I applaud the Niners for doing the right thing and continue to marvel at Crabtree and Parker’s delusional thinking, selfishness, short-sightedness and idiocy. Well done guys, you are officially the contract terrorists of the National Football League…….

- I find myself wondering if receiving a one-week reprieve on death row is the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. That’s the dilemma facing inmate Romell Broom, a prisoner in Ohio facing execution for abducting, raping and fatally stabbing a 14-year-old girl in East Cleveland in 1984. He was slated to be executed Monday, but Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland on Tuesday gave a death-row inmate after authorities tried for hours to find a vein to administer his lethal injection. "Difficulties in administering the execution protocol necessitate a temporary reprieve," said Strickland's Warrant of Reprieve, filed in court Tuesday afternoon. In other words, the doctors administering the lethal dose of drugs to put Broom to death can’t find a vein and so they can’t execute dude yet. I know, I know, if you’re killing a guy, why can’t you just hack it and make it work? Well, our constitution sorta mandates that this type of thing be done and humanely and safely as possible, not cruel or unusual in any way. So after spending more than two hours trying to find that elusive vein, prison authorities had to call of the search for the time being. What that means is that Broom’s execution has been pushed back a week and again I ponder whether that’s good news or bad news for him. On the one hand, if you know that you’re going to die and never experience a single thing on the face of the Earth ever again, even a week of life could be considered a blessing and a chance to make further peace with what you’ve done, perhaps try to make peace with people you’ve hurt. On the other hand, if you know you’re going to die, living another week with the sword of Damocles hanging over your head, so to speak, would be a pretty miserable way to spend that week. Of course, assuming that Broom did in fact commit the horrendous crime for which he was convicted (no sure bet with our justic system, which entrusts a person’s fate to 12 idiots not smart enough to find a way out of jury duty), then who cares how miserable and unhappy he is for the next week? For all the pain and suffering he’s inflicted, it’s only appropriate that he be left to dangle on the hook a while longer. The final verdict here? For everyone but Romell Broom, this is a great thing and for Broom….who cares………

- There was quite a contrast on two major networks, NBC and Fox, tonight in the 8 p.m. time slot. Both featured FAT-centric programming, but with very different slants. On Fox, the absurdity that is More to Love continued, as a gaggle of FAT chicks vied for the affection of an obese guy. And before I get the same angry emails I get every time I travel this road, allow me to assert once again that I don’t believe everyone needs to be model-thin to be beautiful. However, I have a problem with glorifying people who are in most cases obese and in need of serious weight loss by slamming them into a reality show with other FAT people to show that they deserve to be loved too. Yes, everyone deserves love, but that doesn’t mean it’s cool for them to be 50, 60, 70 or more pounds overweight. In fact, FAT people finding love wouldn’t even be on my radar or be upsetting me if a major network wasn’t seeking these people out and looking to promote them. On top of that, you all know my loathing of the concept of finding “true love” on a reality show, because of all the things to be found on one of these freak-fest reality dating shows, love is not one of them. But I digress…..for a better example of FAT-centric television, look no further than NBC, where The Biggest Loser returned with a collection of 16 morbidly obese people looking to turn their lives around. The show is back for its eighth season and although there are some people who still somehow manage not to lose significant weight despite having two top-notch professional trainers, all sorts of medical and dietary help, being on a ranch where the explicit purpose is to help people lose weight and competing for a huge cash prize if they can lose the most weight, the fact is that dozens of people have had their lives changed on this show. They’ve shed hundreds and hundreds of pounds and emotional baggage along the way and have become much healthier versions of themselves - yes, some of them have become very thin, but others have merely been able to attain a much healthier, more moderate weight and lifestyle. I guess the bottom line here is that we should not be glorifying FAT people for being FAT and thinking it’s cool and beautiful, because it’s not. Get healthy, shed a few lbs. and you’ll find that your world is a much better place where it’s easier to breathe and not get exhausted doing the most routine of physical activities………

- While most of the world is looking to move forward in the 21st century, big ups to a province in Indonesia for actively looking to move backward to the second or third century A.D. Lawmakers in a devoutly Muslim Indonesian province voted unanimously Monday that adulterers could be sentenced to death by stoning, even after voters overwhelmingly chose to throw conservative Islamic parties out of power. As the country’s new government, led by the moderate Aceh Party, is set to take over, this regional parliament controlled by hard-liners is holding fast to the most backwards, socially-stunted ways of life. In a unanimous vote, the 69-seat house passed the bill even after members of the moderate Democrat Party voiced reservations. None of them had the kahones to vote against the bill even though it fundamentally violates international treaties signed by Indonesia. There is hope that once the Aceh Party takes over, they would amend or tone down the law. Most of the country’s Muslims practice a much more moderate form of the faith than these whack jobs who want to run around stoning people, so there is hope for overturning this archaic law. Sadly, the practice is still allowed in some form in Afghanistan, Iran, Pakistan, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and parts of Nigeria. Under the terms of the new Indonesian law, adulterers can be punished by a minimum of 100 lashings and a maximum of stoning to death. Yes, that’s a minimum of 100 lashings, how munificent of you. The law also contains sections addressing homosexuality, another behavior considered morally unacceptable and thus punishable by public lashings and more than eight years in prison. As you’d expect, homosexual rights groups are especially outraged by this portion of the bill and claim it violates national and international treaties signed by Indonesia protecting the rights of minorities and women. But hey, at least it puts you on the map, Indoneisa….even if it is for being a backwoods, backwater place where people are stoned to death for adultery as they would have been two thousand years ago………..

- I have heard the best album of 2009, and it is…..The Great American Midrange by The Elms. If you’re never heard of The Elms, well, you’re missing out. These are four hard-rockin’ boys from Indiana, guys from the Heartland who play straightforward, American rock ‘n’ roll. They sing about things the are real and which truly matter in life, not the Hollywood-centric crap, drug-laden parties, expensive cars and rock star lifestyle that too many bands are caught up on. For The Elms, TGAM is their fourth studio album and the first released on their own record label. It’s a 12-song masterpiece of bluesy, Midwest rock that pulls no punches, tackles tough subjects and is thoughtful and interesting from start to finish. Better still, if you buy the album from the band’s Web site, theelms.net, you can get the album itself and a bonus of an acoustic version of every song on the album for the same price. There are legitimately a half-dozen amazing songs on the album and all 12 are worthwhile. Strut kicks off the album and I’m not lying when I say that I’ve literally listened to just the opening riff about five dozen times. A five-second burst of mellow, acoustic guitar gives way to the most bluesy, slashing rock guitar you’ll ever hear and off you go on a rockin’ journey. Lead singer Owen Thomas’ tenor voice is strong, confident and flecked with just the right mix of attitude, honesty and emotion throughout the album, but especially on this song. “I walk out and stand in my front yard/It’s plain to see that the times are hard/What’s a man to do when he’s had enough?/You put on your boots and you strut your stuff,” the opening verse declares. There are just too many great song on this album to discuss in detail, but Unless God Appears First is a Paul Westerberg-esque song with the same bluesy, rock ‘n’ roll guitar sound as Strut thanks to lead guitarist Thom Daugherty. Daughterty and bassist Nate Bennet are also great on backing vocals and this song is a great picture of living life being who you are and sticking with that. Back to Indiana is something of a tribute to the band’s home state, a fast-paced, hard-rockin’ song about getting home to the girl you love and the place you love and from what I’m heard, the band is already hard at work on a video for the song, which should be fantastic. The album does have a mellow side, and not just with the acoustic versions of the 12 songs. This is How the World Will End is an amazing song, challenging society’s conceptions of how things should work and declaring openly that unless we start treating one another with love, kindness and compassion, that’s how the world will truly end, not by bombs and disasters. The Good Guys is a song in a similar vein, a bit more upbeat and faster-paced, but we can all use a reminder that living the right way is a long, tough road and always will be. But as I said at the top, I could go on all day talking about this album. The bottom line is that if you love to rock and you love great music with thoughtful, introspective and expositional lyrics that are more than just catchy phrases over a good beat, this is a fantastic album, the best one I’ve heard this year……….

Serena Williams is one scary dude, a Greek recap and a smackdown on the Honduran interim government

- I’ve said it before in regards to Serena Williams and I’ll say it again now: that dude scares me. After seeing that profanity-laced tirade Williams unloaded on a U.S. Open line judge Saturday, I was legitimately terrified. A muscle-bound, burly, raging athlete is nothing new, but seeing the fury with which Williams went after a call didn’t go her way was frightening. And for anyone who objects to me referring to Williams as a dude, just look at that physique. I’m all for chicks being in shape, but Williams takes it to a new extreme with bulked-up arms and pillar-like legs that are just a tad too much. As for the incident, Williams had dropped the first set of her semifinal match against Kim Clijsters on Saturday night and was two points from losing in the second set. She faulted at 5-6, 15-30 and on her second serve there, the line judge called a foot fault, making it 15-40 and giving Clijsters a match point. That didn’t sit well with Williams, who immediately began berating and brow-beating the line judge. Witnesses heard Williams threaten to kill the judge, a claim she denied. She also raised her racket toward the judge in a threatening manner, even though Williams insists she meant no harm. After the match, she wasn’t exactly apologetic about her outburst. The next day, she didn’t back down either. "Last night, everyone could truly see the passion I have for my job. Now that I have had time to gain my composure, I can see that while I don't agree with the unfair line call, in the heat of battle I let my passion and emotion get the better of me and as a result handled the situation poorly," Williams said in a statement released Sunday by a public relations firm. "I would like to thank my fans and supporters for understanding that I am human and I look forward to continuing the journey, both professionally and personally, with you all as I move forward and grow from this experience." Yes, she hid behind her PR people instead of owning her mistake. Furthermore, she tried to explain her meltdown away by attributing it to her competitive spirt and passion. Nice try, S. When she finally got around to talking about the incident in her own words, Williams again tried to pat herself on the back and praise her own competitive fire rather than owning her mistake. Thankfully, the USTA has fined her $10,000 for the incident, not nearly enough but at least a sign that her boorish behavior isn't simply being shrugged off. Additionally, the Grand Slam Committee Administrator will "determine if the behavior of Ms. Williams warrants consideration as a major offense for which additional penalties can be imposed." Hopefully that consideration will lead to a suspension, because Williams was out of line throughout the match against Clijsters, not just at the end. She was also $500 for smashing her racket after the first set of the match in addition to a ‘roid-rage-like verbal assault on a line judge that Williams could probably bench press with one arm. The only thing more offensive than her act on the court was her act in trying to spin what happened and apologize without actually apologizing for anything. Thanks for nothing, Serena, you’re one classy dude………..

- The tools in the administration at UCLA might have canceled the school’s legendary Undie Run, but the tradition was alive and well on this week’s episode of Greek. With the 60-year tradition set to take place, the drama centered on a prudish Pan-Hellenic leader who wanted to ban all campus sororities from participating and also on the ongoing “Gotcha!” assassin game for all campus Greek organizations. When the Pan-Hellenic council, led by uptight president Katherine, vowed to penalize any sorority whose sisters participated in the run, ZBZ rep Betsy was already past her breaking point. After calling the council members bitches repeatedly, she turned her PH duties over to Casey, who attended her first meeting in time to hear the Undie Run verdict. Appalled at the decision and the fact that she and her suddenly fitness-conscious ZBZ sisters wouldn’t be able to show off their hard work at the gym, Casey stood up to Katherine and looked to an unlikely source for help: her ex, Evan Chambers. After finding a loophole in the PH rules that allows a president’s decision to be overridden if a petition with 500 sorority signatures can be acquired, Casey enlisted Evan and his Omega Chi brothers to set up shop on campus in their boxers and collect signatures for the petition. In the end, the petition worked and Casey and the ZBZ sisters were able to participate in the Undie Run. But before they could, Katherine said something that stuck with Casey and inspired a great idea. After chiding Casey for not putting her experience as a Congressional intern over the summer and post as ZBZ’s Pan-Hellenic rep to better use than fighting for the right to run around campus in her underwear along with other sorority and frat members, Katherine inadvertently challenged Casey to make the Undie Run more meaningful. To accomplish that, Casey comes up with the idea to have everyone donate the clothing they wear to the start of the Undie Run (and thus take off) to the local homeless shelter, thus making the run a more meaningful event and proving a point to Katherine in the process. On the other hand, “Gotcha!” wasn’t exactly about proving a point as much as winning the prize money for your fraternity or sorority. As the game dwindled down, Rusty found himself with some tough choices. First, he had to “shoot” his best buddy Calvin, who was his next “Gotcha!” target. After putting a dart right off Calvin’s forehead walking to class, Rusty then inherited Calvin’s next target: Rusty’s girlfriend Jordan. At the same time he was tasked with offing her in the game, the two of them were still trying to find the right time to have sex for the first time after being interrupted by her dad during Father/Daughter weekend last episode. The tension of being two of the final players in “Gotcha!” only complicated things. The problem became even bigger when one of the other remaining players, KT member Beaver, was eliminated from the game by a player known as the Jackal, who tricked him to Dobler’s by mailing him phony coupons for free drinks. When he showed up, the Jackal took him out. The Jackal, it turned out, was Jordan. Eliminating Beaver left Rusty and Jordan as the only two players in the game, meaning they had no choice but to attempt to shoot one another. When Cappie and the KT brothers realize this, they stick Rusty with 24/7 protective custody, and the ZBZ’s do the same for Jordan. Still, the two love birds sneak away from their guards to meet up at Rusty’s place for a supposed romantic dinner. It turns out that both are still playing the game despite promising not to and Jordan tries to shoot Rusty. Cappie, who has been lurking on the apartment’s porch, dives inside and in front of Rusty to take the dart for him. The near-miss only makes everyone edgier and after a night-time ambush in which Rusty breaks up the heavy guns (literally, some huge dart guns) and rains darts down on Jordan without success, a tense sit-down with Cappie, Rusty, Jordan and Rebecca, Rusty and Jordan takes place. Rusty and Jordan are both put on lockdown, but later in the day, they once again manage to rendezvous at Rusty’s apartment and this time, both promise to quit playing “Gotcha!” and focus on their relationship. This time, they end up having sex for the first time and all is well - until Jordan pulls out a dart gun, shoots Rusty and wins the game. Rusty couldn’t care less about losing the game because he got what he really wanted. The ZBZs were happy to win and the KT’s were actually understanding of Rusty’s decision that led to losing the game. The last storyline from the episode was Calvin and Grant, who tried to move their relationship along by going on a date in the next town over from Cyprus Rhodes so none of their Omega Chi brothers would know, as Grant still hasn’t come out of the closet. Yet even in another town, they run into Evan, who apparently has been working a restaurant job to earn extra money now that he’s given up his trust fund. Seeing Calvin and Grant and them seeing Evan ruins both of their secrets, along with costing Evan his job because he’s too stunned to property sing “Happy Birthday” to Calvin after Grant lied and said it was his birthday to get a free desert. Evan comes clean about his trust fund situation and Calvin then reveals that a) Grant is gay and b) that they are dating. So that’s that, it was a really funny episode and probably the best of the season so far, thumbs up………..

- We don’t like your interim government, Honduras, and here’s what we’re gonna do about it! The American crusade against Honduras' interim government rages on, as over the weekend the United States revoked the visa of the country's leader, de facto President Roberto Micheletti. But that wasn’t enough, as 14 supreme court judges also had their visas revoked, along with Honduran Foreign Minister Carlos Lopez. All of this is part of the U.S. government’s effort to convince the current Honduran government to restore ousted President Jose Manuel Zelaya to power. Apparently our government feels very strongly that it’s mean and wrong to seize an elected president in his pajamas and send him into exile. That scene unfolded on June 28 after Zelaya attempted to go through with his plan to hold a referendum that could have changed the constitution and allowed longer term limits. The country's congress and its supreme court lined up against him and the standoff ended with Zelaya being given a one-way ticket out of town. Interim President Roberto Micheletti and his supporters continue to insist that Zelaya's removal was a constitutional transfer of power and not a coup despite the fact that it fits the dictionary definition of a coup to a “T.” The Organization of American States has joined the U.S. in calling for Zelaya’s return to power and the ousted leader has twice attempted to re-enter the country only to be turned away. The United States announced last week that it was terminating all non-humanitarian aid to Honduras to pressure the interim government to return Zelaya to power, but the pressure has seemed to have little effect thus far. Heck, even those impotent fools at the United Nations have condemned Zelaya's ouster and refused to recognize Michiletti's government, but to no impact. But this decision to revoke the visas of the government’s leaders is taking things to a new low, because now the these guys and gals won't be able to take their much-anticipated Vegas trip in October or hit up their favorite clubs on South Beach come November, which is truly a loss………

- There are a lot of people who are very angry about Kanye West's hijacking of the microphone from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards - too many people and they’re far too angry. "Taylor, I'm really happy for you," West said after grabbing the microphone from a clearly stunned Swift. "I'll let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!" In other words, dude was upset that one woman won a Moon Man statue for a music video instead of another woman winning the same tacky trophy. Great, that’s a huge concern. I’m not sure why Kanye gives a damn who won for Best Female Music Video for a number of reasons. For one, what’s more irrelevant and pointless as it relates to good music than anything tied to MTV? The day I allow any MTV any part in being an arbiter of my musical tastes is…..well, let’s just say there’s a better chance of Rosie O’Donnell turning down a free ice cream buffet. Second, since when does Kanye care about anyone but himself? That’s a stunning revelation, much more stunning than anything else associated with this story. Yet the outrage from fans and fellow musicians against West has been fast, furious and vitriolic. He was booed loudly at the ceremony and after it ended, those same musicians and singers couldn’t wait to Twitter about the incident. Singer Pink tweeted, "Kanye West is the biggest piece of [expletive] on earth. Quote me." The front man for one of the biggest bands of poseurs around, Good Charlotte, was also unhappy. "All i'm saying is Taylor Swift is a young chic and you just walk up and grab the mic," tweeted Joel Madden of the band Good Charlotte tweeted. Fans were even more unmerciful and West has been continually skewered on Twitter, Facebook and every other social networking site since Sunday. I’m not saying what he did was acceptable or anything other than out of line, but let’s step back and get some perspective, folks. A) It’s a freaking MTV awards show, one of the most worthless and pointless of all self-congratulatory, self-aggrandizing awards shows in existence. MTV has nothing to do with good music anymore and hasn’t for a couple of decades. Most of the artists the network features are pop hacks masquerading as legit artists in other genres. B) This is one millionaire musician offending another one with words, nothing more. At the end of the night, both West and Swift went home to their multi-million-dollar mansions and with millions of dollars in their bank accounts. No one was injured, assaulted or killed. Stop getting so worked up about something so unimportant, period. This is what Kanye does: He shoots off his mouth, strokes his own bloated ego and has the misguided impression that he is the “voice of this generation.” Just ignore him, go about your business and stop making so much out of something so irrelevant……..

- This is one of those days when I am oh, so proud to live in the state of Ohio. Hearing that Ohio State Patrol troopers stopped a semi-trailer on Interstate 70 in Preble County Friday afternoon and seized $4.5 million in cocaine pumps me up. No, not because law enforcement in my state was able to uncover and take possession of illegal narcotics. Actually, that part of the story sucks exponentially and really bums me out. What has me excited is that the Buckeye State is esteemed highly enough by mis amigos in the drug trade that they are willing to traffic their fine product through this state. Not surprisingly, the shipment appears to have originated in Texas, as the Freightliner tractor and the 1999 Dorsey trailer it was hauling were both rocking Texas license plates. The truck was traveling eastbound on I-70 around 1:50 p.m. when the driver, Jose Antonio Dominguez Melendez, allegedly committed lane violations and was pulled over. Melendez and passenger Oscar Santos Ardueta didn’t have their act together and gave conflicting stories about picking up a load of lettuce in Salinas, Calif. According to the police report, several criminal indicators were present and they called in a K-9 unit to conduct a search. When the dogs detected something suspicious, the vehicles were then taken to an off-loading site and searched. It was then that troopers found 45 kilos of blow, valued at $4.5 million, concealed within loads of lettuce headed for New Jersey. Vegetables and the Colombian nose candy, I like it. Healthy eating and a treat for the nose, all in one. If only these two could have rehearsed their stories and been able to sell police on being a couple of humble truck drivers transporting some produce across the country, they could have gotten the job done. Instead, they were hauled off to the Preble County Jail and are being charged with possession of cocaine, criminal tools and marked lane violations. Still, it’s good to know that the state of Ohio is still a valuable link in the cocaine highway across this great nation and that it is doing its part to supply the coke needs of this country’s friendly coke heads………

The weekend in football, Disney's quest for world domination and Riot Watch! in U-freaking-ganda

- Coming off of the first NFL/college football combo weekend of the season, there’s certainly a lot to dissect. There were some great college games Saturday - just not the one “marquee” game of the day. Ohio State versus USC might have been decided in the final minutes, but that doesn’t make it a great game. It was a freaking ugly stinkbomb of a game in which two offenses sputtered, two young quarterbacks were largely inept and a grand total of 33 points were scored. A far better game was Notre Dame against Michigan, a 38-34 thriller that was literally decided in the final half-minute. Freshman quarterback Tate Forcier hit senior wide receiver Greg Matthews with a touchdown pass with 11 seconds left to win the game and give Michigan a much-needed 2-0 start. For Notre Dame, it was a tough loss because of the colossal expectations for the season and also the chance to go into the Big House and rip a win from UM on its home field. Toggling back and forth between that game and the stunning upset pulled by Houston over then-No. 5 Oklahoma State in Stillwater was challenging but worthwhile. After a huge win over SEC foe Georgia on the same field a week prior, Oklahoma State was stunned by the unranked Cougars, hailing from mighty Conference USA. The 45-35 win was a back-and-forth affair in which OK State rallied from an early two-touchdown deficit and briefly took the lead early in the second half. In the end, Jamal Robinson’s 26-yard interception return for a touchdown with the Cougars clinging to a 38-35 lead sealed the deal. Other than that, there wasn’t much to see in college football. Florida showed its national title mettle by beating down another cupcake, Troy, by a 56-6 count. Second-ranked Texas did a little better by going on the road and walloping Wyoming 41-10. One other game of interest was in Minnesota, where the Minnesota Golden Gophers opened its brand-new, 50,000-seat on-campus stadium with a 20-13 win over Air Force. TCF Bank Stadium looks like a gem and I’ve always hated indoor football (UM previously played home games inside the Metrodome in Minneapolis), so thumbs up on that. As for the NFL, there weren’t many surprises in terms of winners and losers, but there were plenty of butt-ugly football games. For example, the Cincinnati Bengals and Denver Broncos played s scintillating first half that ended with the Broncos ahead 3-0. The game ended with Denver on top 12-7 thanks to a bizarre tipped-pass touchdown that went 87 yards in the game’s final minute. Then there was the 14-12 snooze-fest between Indianapolis and Jacksonville that the Colts won in boring fashion. The Cleveland Browns continued their ineptitude, following their epic stretch of offensive failure from last season (no offensive touchdowns in their final six games) by failing to score an offensive TD until the final three minutes of their 34-20 loss to Minnesota. Brett Favre looked old and slow for the Vikings and they won on the strength of their defense and all-world running back Adrian Peterson, so all the Favre sycophants out there can stuff it with any positive evaluations of his performance. But unquestionably the ugliest performance of the day came courtesy of the St. Louis Rams, who were supposed to play in Seattle but never actually showed up. The scoreboard says that the Seahawks and Rams played four quarters and the home team won 28-0, but neither the Rams’ offense nor their defense made an appearance that I saw. When you accumulate less than 280 yards of total offense, score no points and surrender 28 to your opponent, you did next to nothing right in the game. Rams quarterback Marc Bulger has long been hailed as an accurate passer and an underrated player, but why do I find myself wondering who his backup is and when that backup will take over under center? Oh, that’s right. It’s because Bulger completed less than half of his passes Sunday and looked absolutely horrendous all game long. But arguably the day’s best game came at the end of the day, when the Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers staged an epic, back and forth battle featuring two hard-hitting defenses, numerous big plays and a 50-yard touchdown pass from Aaron Rogers to Greg Jennings with 1:11 left in the game to win it for Green Bay. Overall, a solid weekend of football and even if the excitement didn’t come from the places we all expected it to, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a great ride……..

- Nobody loves protests and riots more than me. That’s a fact and can be verified by multiple independent sources, both domestically and abroad. But even my abiding, unfailing love of social dissidence doesn’t mean that I unequivocally support every single protest held, not when knuckleheads are gathering for the wrong reasons and staging protests that are embarrassing at best, absurd and a waste of time at worst. The tens of thousands of tools who marched to the U.S. Capitol on Saturday holding signs plastered with slogans like "Obamacare makes me sick" and "I'm not your ATM" would be exactly who I’m referring to here. Sure, there’s always room to disagree with the government and invariably a good reason to do so, but these idiots have been trotting out the same tired, clichéd bullsh*t for months now and slamming it into a piece of poster board for a march on the Capitol doesn’t make it fresh or new. We get it, you have complete and total disdain for the president's health care plan. So what, you jam up the streets for several blocks near the Capitol and that’s supposed to accomplish what? You want to try that on a weekday, then we might have something to talk about. But the chants were bland, mundane and inane, just like the signs, so that didn’t help matters. Demonstrators chanted "enough, enough" and "We the People." Others yelled "You lie, you lie!" and "Pelosi has to go," referring to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Yet more of these ass hats tried to inject some recycling and environmental humor into their protest by holding signs reading "Go Green Recycle Congress." Ironically, I’m guessing that most of these people don’t give a damn about the environment. And then there were the kooks, weirdos and freaks rocking colonial costumes and holding signs depicting Obama with the signature mustache of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler or with his faced imposed on that of the villainous Joker from "Batman."
What all of these people seem to be missing is that we’ve heard their rhetoric before and at this point, they are more of a punchline than they are a voice for social change. Saying the same bogus crap over and over again doesn’t make it true; it merely makes you an unoriginal, inaccurate, dogmatic idiot………

- Typically when I look at the box office results for a given weekend, my reaction is some mixture of shame, resignation, disbelief and outrage. Fact is, America, you’re a bunch of freaking sheep when it comes to the movies you go see. The films with the most “buzz” and the best marketing tend to succeed and the best movies often go by the wayside because they don’t have the biggest stars or the most TV commercials. This is one of those weekends where my reaction to the top 10 at the box office breaks down thusly: shame (100 percent), resignation (100 percent), disbelief (100 percent) and outrage (104.4 percent). And yes, that’s 404.4 percent, my math is spot on. There’s just no other way to react when the top movie is the latest piece of crap from the wildly overrated Tyler Perry. I don’t know who told this guy he was funny and that his movies and TV shows are anything other than lame, ridiculous attempts at humor that fall woefully short, but he keeps churning out different incarnations of the same terrible movie (much like Matthew McConaughey, only with his shirt on) and you all keep going to see it. His latest movie, I Can Do Bad All By Myself, grossed $24 million to take the top spot for the weekend. It represents Perry’s third-largest opening, trailing Madea Goes to Jail ($41 million) and Madea’s Family Reunion ($30 million) in 2006. Personally I’m not sure why Perry bothers with naming the movies, because they’re all the same damn thing. Coming in second for the weekend was the post-apocalyptic animated flick 9 with $10.9 million. That number is impressive because the movie played in just 1,661 theaters. Holding strong for a third-place finish was Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, held steady in its fourth weekend with $6.5 million to push its cumulative total to $104.3 million, well on its way to passing Pulp Fiction this week to become Tarantino’s highest-grossing movie. Rounding out the top five were All About Steve (No. 4 with $5.8 million) and The Final Destination (No. 5 with $5.5 million). It was not a good weekend for newcomers Sorority Row and the Kate Beckinsale thriller Whiteout, which limped to the finish line with $5.3 million and $5.1 million, respectively. I guess this proves that no matter how hot Kate Beckinsale is, an action thriller set in Antarctica isn't a sure-fire hit. Oddly, enough, The September Issue — the documentary about Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour — did fairly well as it expanded into 111 theaters, raking in $730,000 for a per-screen average of $6,577. But allow me to conclude as I started this, America: shame (100 percent), resignation (100 percent), disbelief (100 percent) and outrage (104.4 percent). Drink those numbers in and let them ferment, because you earned them……..

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Things are turning ugly in Uganda (no, Rosie O’Donnell isn't moving there) and that means RIOTS! Mass riots broke out Sunday between The Man (also known as Ugandan government forces) and loyalists of a traditional kingdom in the country. How do I know these riots were good? Well, more than 640 people were arrested and 14 killed in the battles between the rebels and The Man, that’s how. Not only that, these riots raged on for three full days and police are still sifting through the fallout, threatening that the number of people arrested for suspected roles in the riots could go up because investigations are still under way. Kale Kayihura, the nation's police chief, is trying to put The Man’s spin on these riots, but I’m not buying it. Trials for those accused of inciting and fueling the riots will begin tomorrow, with people charged with crimes including taking part in violent acts and unlawful assemblies. Crimes? Those aren’t crimes, they’re freaking commendable actions and badges of honor to be worn proudly. Far be it from me to tell others how to run their country, but tensions between President Yoweri Museveni and the Buganda kingdom -- headed by King Ronald Mutebi II, the ruler of the Baganda tribe -- are at an all-time high and sooner or later, things were going to boil over. All that was needed was for the government to give one final push and force this powder keg past its tipping point. That happened Thursday when the government said it would not allow the king to travel to an area inhabited by a renegade rival group. That was all it took to send angry Bagandans out into the streets, where they manned up by stealing ammunition from a police station and confronting officers, accusing them of harassment. But those were just the riot appetizers, because the true backbone of any good riot is the burning, looting and destruction of property and rest assured, that was on the way. Rioters burned tires and cars, set buildings on fire and looted stores and by the time things ended, the streets of the capital were strewn with debris, including torched cars and burned tires. Flat-out awesome, no doubt about it. These rioters hit every key ingredient necessary for a Grade-A, top-notch riot: storming the police station, brawling with The Man, burning, looting, pillaging and destroying cars and buildings. Well done everyone, well done. In case you’re wondering just who these amazing rioters are, Bagandans are the dominant ethnic group and one of four ancient kingdoms in the nation and their kings are limited to a ceremonial role overseeing traditional and cultural affairs. They see the government as overstepping its bounds here and personally…..I don’t give a crap as long as it means I get to see this awesome rioting………

- Here we go, further confirmation of my theory that Disney is an evil regime bent on taking over the world that is expertly disguised as “The Happiest Place on Earth” and a family-friendly entertainment Mecca for adults and children alike. Disney recently outlined plans for the largest expansion in the history of the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World, including a major renovation of Fantasyland and the construction of a new Little Mermaid ride. You heard me right, a Fantasyland renovation AND a new Little Mermaid ride. If that doesn’t scream hostile world takeover, I don’t know what does. “We're going to take the guests beyond the castle walls,” Disney Imagineer Jack Blitch declared. I’m sure you are, Jack, I’m sure you are. Now Disney would have you believe that the expansion will bring more visitors to the park and also more jobs to Central Florida, but don’t be fooled. This is yet another excuse for them to hike up exorbitant ticker prices even further, pave more acres with parking lots and take over an even bigger chunk of prime Sunshine State realty. Walt Disney Parks and Resorts Chairman Jay Rasulo announced his company’s plans for world domination at the first D23 Expo in California. "Storytelling is the DNA of Disney dreams and we're always exploring new ways to tell new stories in new places," said Rasulo. As for the timetable for these plans, Fantasyland will be expanded by 2013. That will be preceded by the Little Mermaid attraction, a new dining area inside a castle designed after the Beast’s castle from “Beauty and the Beast” and the doubling in size of the area covered by The Dumbo ride. Visitors who have forked over their $70-80 for admission will also be able to visit the various Disney princesses in themed castles, cottages and chateaus. After the new Little Mermaid ride, to be called “Journey Under the Sea with Ariel,” opens at Disney World, a similar ride will open at Disneyland in Anaheim in 2011. Of course, this is Disney merely firing the latest salvo in the battle after Universal Studios in Orlando broke ground on a new Harry Potter section of its Islands of Adventure park. And as anyone familiar with these battles knows, when you break out the Harry Potter guns, that means war………

Confirming that Jerry Krause is still a tool, five (or perhaps 10?) great reasons to watch "The Vampire Diaries" and a dictatorial return in Russia

- Jerry Krause is a tool. We’ve known that for a long time, as evidenced by his crotchety, prickly bitterman routine over the years. He’s a FAT, multiple-chinned bitterman who almost no one likes. Him not attending Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame induction ceremony on Friday because the Hall has not inducted legendary coach Tex Winter is not going to help his case for likeability. Simply put, Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time and not attending his induction ceremony when he played the entire relevant portion of his amazing career for your team is unforgivable. Michael Jordan’s induction into the Hall of Fame is not the vehicle for your political BS about who you think should be in the HOF. Quit hijacking other people’s moments in the sun for your own agenda, J. "Michael's the greatest player who ever played a team sport," Krause said. "He's given me and my family and everyone who has been associated with the Bulls, everything. We all benefited from Michael being there, and I'm happy for him and his special day. But the Hall of Fame thing is personal with me. I'm not walking back in there until Tex Winter is acknowledged." I tell you what, a-hole, how about you use some of your free time to print up a few signs and placards at your neighborhood Kinko’s and go to the Hall to picket every day instead of refusing to attend when the greatest player in the history of your franchise and sport is inducted into that sport’s most elite club? Sure, Winter, 87, is recognized as the person who created the triangle offense that has been made famous by the Los Angeles Lakers and current coach Phil Jackson. The Bulls also used that offense during the six Jordan-led championship teams in the 1990s, while Winter was an assistant coach. So yes, Winter was a key part of those six championships and I’m not disputing the fact that he should be in the Hall of Fame; I’m merely decrying Krause’s choice to commandeer Jordan’s big moment to use as the setting for his own campaign to get Winter inducted into the HOF………

- I wasn’t planning on watching the new CW show “The Vampire Diaries,” but I may have to reconsider that decision. For one, shows about vampires just don’t hold a lot of interest for me and secondly, the CW has quickly become the most prolific producer of ubar-crappy, unwatchable shows that center entirely on rich kids in either New York or Southern California and their lives of exclusive parties and upper-class living. Not sure that “The Vampire Diaries” fits into that mold, but based on its premise and the previews I’ve seen, I have received no motivation to watch the show - until now. My change of heart has nothing to do with the show itself, its acting or its writing. No, it has everything to do with the fact that five actresses from the show were arrested after allegedly dangling off a Georgia overpass and flashing drivers. Nina Dobrev, Sara Canning, Kayla Ewell, Krystal Vayda, and Candice Accola were drunk out of their minds, er, out having a good time and they blessed some fortunate motorists in the ATL with the sight of their nice racks. Maybe they were trying to see if they could get someone to wreck by distracting them, I don’t know. What I do know is that the tools who called 911 on Aug. 22 to report seeing the young women flashing drivers on I-75 from the side of the Rumble Road overpass just north of Macon are the ones who need to be arrested. Either enjoy five hot, young actresses showing off their bodies or stay out of the way of those who are trying to enjoy it. Also arrested was cameraman Tyler Shields, who would seem to substantiate the actresses’ claims to Monroe County authorities that they were just filming for the show. Sure it’s a ridiculous claim and yes, it almost certainly has no basis in fact, but who cares? When was the last time a crew of five beautiful actresses decided to flash drivers from an overpass in YOUR city? For my money, the fact that these lovely ladies were charged with disorderly conduct is the true crime. Arrest them? You should be giving them each the key to the city and informing them that they are welcome to come and flash your citizens any time…….

- Color me freaking stunned. Russia’s former Communist czar/dictator and the country’s current premier, is considering a run for president in 2012? Not that the dude has ever really left power, not with his handpicked successor President Dmitry Medvedev taking his orders, er, leading the country. In a discussion with some 45 Russia experts from around the world, Putin talked about he and Medvedev “deciding” who will represent their party in the despot/presidential election of 2012. Putin lied and said that he and Medvedev will decide together who should run for president in the next elections and that their decision will be based on the situation in the country, their own personal plans, and the wishes of the United Russia party. Given that Putin is the party’s leader and he’s basically Medvedev’s political godfather, figuring out who will run in 2012 shouldn’t be too difficult. Sure, Bad Vlad could have merely given a giant middle finger to the Russian constitution in 2008 when it called for him to step down after two successive terms in office. That same constitution has conveniently been changed since that point to allow dictators/presidents to serve terms of six years in office instead of four. That means if Putin reinstalls himself in office/is “elected” by the people in 2012, he could potentially remain until 2024. And of course V. Putin rejected suggestions that such a process would be undemocratic. Lastly, he moved quickly to quash any rumors of tension between he and his boy Medvedev. “There won't be any tension in 2012," he said. I bet there won’t be, Vlad. If you decide to run, your boy Medvedev had better fall in line or it’s off to the gulag for him. Heck, I’m interested to see how Medvedev survives until 2012, given the fact that he recently ripped his country for its oil-dependent economy, rampant corruption and "weak democracy." Let’s overlook that last part, because I think he’s confusing a Communist government disguised as a non-existent democracy with “weak democracy.” He then followed up those scathing, misguided words by urging a slow, cautious path toward reform. Make up your mind, Dmitry. Just don’t worry about 2012 because your friendly national dictator V. Putin will make that choice for you…….

- Know your product. That’s a freaking ironclad rule for drug dealers and drug users worldwide. You need to know your product because a) you’re either paying or receiving a lot of money for it, b) both buyer and seller are typically violating one or more laws to make the transaction c) using and selling drugs can both be deadly propositions if you don’t have or receive the right stuff and d) getting high/buzzed/stoned is an essential part of any druggie’s day and as such should be taken seriously. For all of those reasons, Timothy Ogburn of Clarksville (perhaps he rode the last train there) is not what I would call a respectable druggie. Ogburn spotted two teenage girls walking home from school and decided that it would be a good idea to point a pistol in their faces. Why would he do that? Well, because he thought they had weed in their purses, that’s why. Apparently, someone spotted a baggie in one of the girls' purses and told the Ogburn and his crew that she had marijuana. He then spent what I’m sure were five thoughtful seconds contemplating his next move before approaching the girls, pulling his piece and demanding their bag of the chronic. The girl toting the purse with the aforementioned bag willingly surrendered it to the Ogburn and his boys, only to reveal that it was not the hippie lettuce but rather oregano. “Is this what you want? It’s just oregano,” she explained to these two tools. Ogburn, Victor Little and a third individual received no tree on this day and instead were charged with aggravated robbery with a $25,000 bond. None of this would happened if they knew their drugs and didn’t haphazardly act on false information without taking time to verify it. A good stoner, heck, a good addict of any illegal drug would have known this and wouldn’t find themselves in this position. Burned in a meth lab explosion, perhaps, but not in this particular position……..

- With Smallville set to return Sept. 25 at 8/7c on the CW, the show is still finalizing some key details for its ninth season. For the duration of the series, Terence Stamp has voiced Jor-El, Clark Kent’s Kryptonian father, but Julian Sands will be playing the on-screen role this season as the Man of Steel’s other-worldly father shows up on screen thanks to a unique plot twist. Basically, the arrival of Kryptonian bad guy Zod (Callum Blue) on Earth is going to bring a wide range of alien visitors with him. Although Zod is unaware of Clark Kent and who he'll grow to be, Zod and his fellow galaxy travelers will undoubtedly bring a lot of complications into CK’s life. No doubt the arrival of Jor-El, Clark's biological dad, will take things in an interesting direction. But Jor-El won't appear until the season's seventh episode, which is titled "Kandor." Executive producers Brian Peterson and Kelly Souders hinted at the chance to see a living Jor-El this season during their appearance at Comic-Con last month. “You'll learn pretty quickly -- in Episode 2 -- what happens," said Peterson. He also pointed out that Stamp will still be heard from this season, so there are clearly a lot of moving pieces in this puzzle that will be falling into place throughout the season. Personally I’m pumped for this season, even if I will have to deal with the heartbreaking reality that this will be the first season of the show in which the über-hot Kristin Kreuk won’t appear. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to weep quietly in the corner……….

Suspicious money seizures in Colombia, Lil Jon returns and impending disaster in Memphis

- Since when is there something suspicious about nearly $11 million in cash stashed in plastic bags inside two containers filled with a chemical industrial product on a ship from Mexico to Colombia? If you’re calling that suspicious, then you must find everything you encounter during the course of a normal day to be suspicious. Colombian customs agents fit this description, because they seized those bags of money from the aforementioned ship, with each bag containing $700,000. The seizure occurred at the port of Buenaventura and may in fact be the largest such seizure in the country’s history. What infuriates me is that no one is saying why the shipment was seized or how authorities learned of its existence in the first place. The shipment originated in Manzanillo, on Mexico's Pacific coast and the nation's busiest port, but what about that is suspicious? It’s not like anything illegal or drug-relate ever goes on in either Colombia or Mexico, right? The odds of $11 million in cash found on a cargo ship being associated with any illegal drug activitiy can’t be any higher than a measly 98, 99 percent, right? With that being said, I don’t think Colombian customs agents need to be going around, harassing drug smugglers, er, um, boat captains who just happen to be carrying around eight figures in plastic bags on their ships. What kind of world is this going to become if people can’t haul around huge loads of possibly ill-gotten cash on their cargo ships to pay for, um, whatever, you know………..

- This is not going to end well. Actually, that depends on your definition of ending well, but any reasonable or sensible definition of that term unfolds in a way that makes it more than impossible for Allen Iverson’s tenure with the Memphis Grizzlies to end any other way that total, unmitigated disaster. After spending almost the entire offseason unable to find a team willing to take on his bloated ego and baggage, the 10-time All-Star and former league MVP signed a one-year deal worth $3.1 million with the Grizz and will now look to prove those who say he's lost a step and is on the downside of his career wrong. It’s not often that you can sign a guy who has scored more than 23,000 points in his NBA career and isn't that far removed from being one of the NBA’s leading scorers, but The Answer is a different cat. He’s always thrived on being the hardest, toughest guy on the court and proving his critics wrong, but he’s also a too-short, shoot-first guard in a point guard’s body. He’s all about how many points he can put on the board and being a starter, not about winning. If he were about winning, he wouldn’t have gone into Operation Shutdown in Detroit last year after being traded from Denver at the start of the season. Once he arrived in Detroit and it became clear that he wasn’t going to be in the starting lineup regularly and be the leading scorer, his attitude went south faster than Paul Shore’s movies go straight to DVD. He became such a malcontent that the Pistons made up a bogus back injury and told Iverson that he wasn’t welcome around the team at the tail end of the season. That same me-first, focal-point attitude was undoubtedly at the heart of teams’ hesitance to sign him this offseason. Because of that, he has inked a one-year deal with a team coming off a 24-58 season that tied for fifth-worst in the NBA. But AI being AI, he’s taking all of this opposition to heart and looking to shut everyone up this season. "This year for me is so personal," Iverson said at his introductory news conference. "It's basically going to be my rookie season again. It hurts, but I turn the TV on, I read the paper, I listen to some of the things people say about me having the season that I had last year and me losing a step, things like that. They're trying to put me in a rocking chair already.” In a rocking chair or playing for an irrelevant, second-tier franchise like the Grizzlies, either one is basketball Siberia. The bottom line here is that Memphis is going to suck this year, AI is going to be a gunner with a terrible shooting percentage on a bad team and it’s only a matter of time before this experiment implodes and the Grizzlies find out what the Pistons discovered last year, namely that AI is no longer worth the trouble……..

- You critics and haters out there can all suck it, because I’m standing firmly beside my man Dr. Delos "Toby" Cosgrove, CEO of the Cleveland Clinic. Cosgrove pissed off a lot of FAT people when he said recently that if he could, he would choose not to hire obese people. Not that he needed to defend those wise words, but Cosgrove opened Obesity Summit 2009 at the clinic by saying his remark was intended to spur discussion. He went on to explain that obesity represents a major social, economic, and medical problem that should be given the same priority as efforts to curb tobacco use. To that end, the Cleveland Clinic stopped giving jobs to smokers two years ago. All of those are valid points but once again, T. Cosgrove, your words do not need to be defended. You are right on when you say that hiring obese people is a bad idea. First, people need to understand that obese people are not merely those who have 5-10 extra pounds on their frame or ever 20 pounds, for that matter. Obese people are the ubar-FAT individuals whose bloated physiques are a) disgusting, b) depressing to look at and c) a major drain on our health care system because of the many, many physical problems that result from obesity. These people are basically making a public proclamation to the world that they don’t give a rat’s ass about their bodies or their health and that depresses me. So of course Cosgrove doesn’t want these individuals working at his hospital, a place where PEOPLE GO WHEN TRYING TO GET HEALTHY. Who wants to show up to the hospital for anything and see orca-FAT people working there? I would have been cool with it if Cosgrove had followed through on his words, but given that the Cleveland Clinic never stopped hiring obese people, there should be no outrage at all. Ignorant people with big mouths have led the charge in decrying Cosgrove’s wise words and a conference panelist from an organization that fights insurance and job discrimination against the obese accused Cosgrove of having a "bias mentality,” but I’m here to lend my support for Dr. Cosgrove and remind him that he has nothing to apologize for………

- It took five years, but Lil Jon is finally set to release "Crunk Rock," the followup to his 2004 album, "Crunk Juice." (Note: I’m detecting a theme here, namely the need work the world crunk into every album title.) Fans of poseur rappers like Lil Jon are undoubtedly pumped up and he’s (falsely) promising an amazing, mind-bending album. “This album has all the Lil Jons you've ever heard," Lil Jon declares. "From the crunk Lil Jon, to the Usher-like Lil Jon, to the electro Lil Jon who's hanging with LMFAO. I've got to touch all my fans." The album will drop Nov. 24 and the first single, "Give It All U Got," leaked online last week. If you’re doubting my claims that the album is going to be bogus and illegitimate as a hip-hop effort, know that this single was produced by Lady GaGa Sean Kingston, who have as much of an edge as lemonade, Care Bears and cupcakes. The lyrics are exactly what you’d expect from Lil Jon, namely ordering "ladies to the dance floor" and telling everyone to "drink it up, full throttle/Fiesta like there's no tomorrow." It’s a song that is clearly geared towards the clubs and it’s basically crappy electro-pop, not the Southern crunk that Lil Jon was spouting when he first came onto the scene. In spite of that, he continues to lie/insist he's still the same artist. "'Lovers and Friends' [his 2004 R&B single featuring Usher and Ludacris], that was a stretch to people," he explains. "But when they really got into the record, they were like, 'This is a hot song -- it don't matter if Jon ain't screaming and hollering.' So I think people will accept this one without any problems." Accept it? Maybe. But what they’ll also accept, if they have any musical taste at all, is that you are a poseur and a hack who has no real hip-hop cred. Mindful of that, Lil Jon plans to release an edgier single shortly after "Give It All U Got," a Drumma Boy-produced collaboration with R. Kelly that he promises will "hit so hard--it's gonna be major." The one positive in regard to this album is that "Crunk Rock" will have a total of 20 tracks, which is good because too many artists rip off fans by putting out albums with 10 tracks and less than 40 minutes of music. Sure, these songs will by and large suck, but at least you’ll get 20 of them. Other songs on “Crunk Rock” will include guest spots by Soulja Boy, 3OH3! and the Ying Yang Twins. Fans will supposedly hear a mash-up of styles throughout the album, including crunk, rock, Afro-punk and more. Can “Crunk Rock” top the success of "Crunk Juice," which has sold 2,505,000 million copies? I sincerely doubt it, not if word about this album gets out quickly and people realize what it sounds like…………

- I can see where a bank executive who oversees foreclosed properties throwing ragers and spending long summer weekends in a $12 million Malibu beach house just after it had been surrendered to her bank to satisfy debts could rub some people the wrong way. But hey, Cheronda Guyton needed a place to chill and hang, so if she wanted to (illegally) take up residence in a Malibu mansion, I say go for it. So what if a bankrupt couple had to sign the property over to Wells Fargo last spring? Dammit, this woman needed a pad in which to throw a good beach party and she took it. Real estate agent Irene Dazzan-Palmer first became curious when the couple in question signed the home over to Wells Fargo & Co. and the bank subsequently denied requests to show the house to prospective buyers. Odd, but not enough to act on. Further evidence came when residents in the gated community spotted a woman they now believe was Guyton taking up residence in the home and obtained Guyton's name from the community's guards, who had issued her a homeowner's parking pass. They also wrote down the license plate number of a 2007 Volvo sport-utility vehicle they say was parked in the home's garage and check of state motor vehicle license plates found the vehicle was registered to Guyton. Yes, rich people are paranoid and snooty, so of course these people were on high alert when an outsider was making herself at home in their little haven for the world. People like resident Phillip Roman were outraged at Guyton’s behavior and for invading their rich, spoiled corner of the world. "It's outrageous to take over a property like that, not make it available and then put someone from the bank in it," Roman said. But in this case, the rich, snotty people aren’t being totally unreasonable, not when Guyton, her husband and two children showed major kahones by frequently hosting guests at the home, including a large party the last weekend of August. Wells Fargo is refusing to comment on the matter, but I’m guessing this isn't what the bank had in mind when it signed the agreement with the prior owner that required it to keep the home -- a 3,800-square-foot, two-story structure built in the early 1990s -- off the market for a period of time. Something tells me there was no provision in the house allowing a company executive to use the house as her own personal party pad in the mean time. Nice try, though……….

The League of Fascism grows, Richard Seymour doesn't seem to want to be a Raider and "American Karaoke" gets an appropriately crappy new judge

- The League of Fascism is growing and my man Hugo Chavez is the one driving this engine. Fresh off strengthening diplomatic ties with the Iranian dictator/election stealer Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, H. Chavez hopped a jet to Russia and set about cementing a closer alliance with Russia on Thursday. All he had to do was recognize two pro-Russian rebel regions of Georgia as independent and that was enough to secure arms supplies and loans in return. Not many nations have been willing to recognize Abkhazia and South Ossetia and that’s been a definite issue for Russia, which has tried for over a year to persuade its allies to follow its lead and treat the two small regions as sovereign. The only country to hop aboard that crazy train prior to Venezuela was Nicaragua, not exactly a power player on the international scene. "Venezuela from today is joining in the recognition of the independence of South Ossetia and Abkhazia," Chavez told President Dmitry Medvedev through a translator at the Russian leader's residence outside Moscow. That ass-kissing was accompanied by a promise that the Venezuelan government would start the process of establishing diplomatic relations with them soon. But I’m sure it found its mark given the fact that the rest of the world views South Ossetia and Abkhaia as part of Georgia even though they rebelled against it in the early 1990s and have run their own affairs since. That has created major problems in relations between the West and Russia, but clearly not with Venezuela. No, brown-nosing was enough to earn a warm reception from Russian dictator/President Dmitry Medvedev, who thanked Chavez for his support. and vowed that Russia would supply tanks and other weapons sought by Venezuela. "We will supply Venezuela the weapons that Venezuela asks for," Medvedev said after their talks. "Why not tanks? Without question, we have good tanks. If our friends want our tanks, we will deliver them." See how easy that was? Just promise to be Russia’s friend and you get tanks. The actual deal is for Venezuela to buy 100 tanks for $500 million, which is something of a Costco discount in the world of arms sales. If that weren’t enough, Russia and Venezuela also announced plans for a joint bank with capital of $4 billion to finance their projects (First Federal of Fascism? I heard the loan applications there are killer.) You might be asking yourself why Venezuela is loading up on tanks and the answer should be fairly obvious: that paranoid, delusional freak Chavez is convinced that “U.S. imperialism” is encroaching upon Latin America and he’s looking to defend himself. Now I’m not sure this makes up enough ground in the “Crazy Dictator Most Likely to Set Off WWIII” race to put Chavez in the same class as despots like Kim Jong Il of North Korea and Ahmadinejad, but it’s a nice start……….

- If I didn’t know better, I’d think that Richard Seymour doesn’t want to be an Oakland Raider. On Sunday, Seymour was traded from the best-run franchise in the National Football League, the New England Patriots, to the worst-run franchise in the league, the Raiders. The Patriots sent the defensive tackle to the Raiders in exchange for Oakland's first-round draft pick in 2011, but so far Seymour has not reported to Oakland. "I really have nothing to report on that," Raiders coach Tom Cable said. "Nothing has changed at this point." I assume he took a moment away from punching his assistant coaches in the face to make that statement, but Cable didn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. The deal was definitely done, as it appeared on the NFL's official transactions list and Seymour is on the Raiders' roster on their Web site. Cable even claims to have spoken with Seymour, who allegedly told him he wants to play in Oakland. That may or may not be true, but even if it is, the word is that Seymour wants the Raiders to promise not to place the franchise tag on him after the season. That would basically force any team looking to sign Seymour, set to be a free agent after the season, to compensate the Raiders with two future first-round draft picks. And why would the Raiders slap the franchise tag on a guy who clearly doesn’t want to play for them? Simple. Unless they a) franchise him or b) sign him to a contract extension (seems unlikely), then they have basically traded a first-round pick for a guy who will play one season for them - a season in which they have no hope at all to even make the playoffs - and then leave. For right now, none of that matters because Seymour remains AWOL and he’s not exactly speaking out about his plight. That leaves Cable and the Raiders to attempt to put a brave face on things and paint the sunniest possible picture in the midst of yet another colossal f**k up by the organization. I don't want to comment about anything of that until we have something that's done and concrete," Cable said when pressed on the issue. What’s hilarious about this is that the Raiders really aren’t saying much, the Patriots refuse to discuss the issue because Seymour isn't a member of their team anymore and the NFL is declining comment as well. So no one wants to talk about it and Seymour is in hiding somewhere, but then again, no one really needs to say another word for us to know that this is the latest black eye for an Oakland franchise that has led the NFL in them - and only them - for a long time now……….

- May I be so brazen as to ask what’s wrong with a judge offering to help a defendant in exchange for sex? Judge Donald Jackson, appointed to preside over County Criminal Court No. 3 in Houston in August 1992, has been suspended by the state a Harris County allegedly offering that sort of exchange to a defendant appearing in his courtroom. The indictment accuses Jackson of offering a young female drunken-driving defendant a chance to get her case dismissed if she was willing to enter into "a relationship with him that was more than a one-night stand." In other words, dude wasn’t just that creepy guy in a position of authority looking to coax one sexual encounter from a woman he held power over, he was looking for repeat business if you catch my drift. Somehow, I don’t know for sure, but the defendant and her attorney were able to gather enough evidence to have charges brought against Jackson and now he has been indicted on a misdemeanor charge of official oppression. Additionally, the State Commission on Judicial Conduct suspended Jackson with pay on Tuesday. While he’s out, a special judge will try to extort defendants for sex, er, was appointed to oversee Jackson's docket, which includes cases dealing with serious misdemeanor charges including driving while intoxicated, domestic violence, illegal possession of drugs, criminal pollution and theft. If convicted, Jackson could be sentenced to up to a year in jail and a fine of up to $4,000. Call me overzealous, but it just seems like someone in a position of authority who (allegedly) does something as reprehensible as Jackson is alleged to have done should face a stiffer penalty……….

- It has to be tough being Microsoft right about now. In the computer world, you’re getting your ass kicked because you’re selling a subpar, third-rate operating system that you keep releasing newer versions of in the false hope that your product will cease to suck. In the smartphone market, the iPhone is getting a lot of buzz and your own smartphone and operating system are afterthoughts. As its latest futile punch in this battle, Microsoft is preparing for the worldwide release of the first phones running Windows Mobile 6.5 on October 6. The launch will include phones running on AT&T, Sprint, and Verizon Wireless, with that variety of carriers being the one possible edge Microsoft has on the iPhone. There will also be a new branding twist for this crop of phones, which will be the first that Microsoft will sell under the "Windows Phone" brand. For some odd reason, Microsoft believes that this name-association with its crap-tacular OS is a good thing, but that just goes to show how insane/stupid they are. “We know people want a phone for their whole life," said Stephanie Ferguson, general manager in the Windows Mobile unit. "They just frankly want to do more. That's why we've shifted.” Great, but they also want an OS that doesn’t suck and I’m just not sure you can give that to them. The features for Windows Mobile 6.5 include improved Web browsing, conversation threaded e-mail and a (blatant rip-off of Apple’s app store) new Windows Marketplace app store. However, no one outside of Microsoft seems to believe that this new OS will do a damn thing to help Microsoft close the gap with its competitors: the iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, and Palm Pre. Oddly enough, at one time it was expected that Windows Mobile would be one of the key players in the smart phone market. "Microsoft probably didn't get the share of the enterprise space that we all would have expected three or four years ago," said Jeff Bradley, senior vice president of devices for AT&T. "I think Research In Motion did even a better than expected job of gaining that share." On October 6, Microsoft will hold a "consumer open house" event to help stage the launch of Windows Mobile 6.5, and on that day, one of the centerpieces of conversation will surely be the Windows Marketplace app store. It’s not that Microsoft hasn’t offered apps before; in fact, the company has long offered tens of thousands them, they’ve been nearly impossible to find and download. Now, you’ll be able to find and download all of the sh**ty applications for your fourth-rate phone in one place? Awesome. Among the apps expected to be available are Netflix, Facebook, and a variety of games. Oh, and in the true Microsoft way, an upgrade to the subpar upgrade is on the way. The next operating system upgrade, Windows Mobile 7, was originally expected early this year but now isn't expected until some time next year. Thanks for showing that there are still some things in this world we can count on, Microsoft, even if it is your ineptitude………

- When American Karaoke welcomed hack pop tarts Victoria Beckham and Katy Perry as guest judges for its upcoming season, I said that there had never been a more appropriate marriage of un-talented losers and a terrible, unwatchable TV show. And at the time, those words were true and accurate. However, I must now admit that Fox and the producers of AK have topped themselves and exceeded even my own colossal expectations of their lame-osity by adding Elliot Degenerate, a.k.a. Ellen DeGeneres, as the show’s new judge. "I am going to be the new judge on American Idol," announced on her ridiculously bad daytime talk show. Apparently Degenerate is expected to bring a softer tone to the show to balance out Kara DioGuardi, who I’m told is another of the judges but don’t care enough to confirm that fact. I’ve never heard of Kara DioGuardi and based on the fact that she is apparently a member of AK, I know only one thing about her: she absolutely sucks. “Hopefully I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you. I sit at home and I watch it and I don't have that technical... I'm not looking at it in a critical way from the producer's mind," DeGeneres said.
To prepare for judging a ridiculous, horrendously bad karaoke contest, Degenerate warmed up as a guest judge on an episode of an equally crappy Fox reality show, So You Think You Can Dance, this summer. She made sure to point out that joining the AK crew won't cause her to drop her talk show, because God knows what a loss that would be for all of us……….

Fun with Tasers, Jay-Z for free and the magical power of leaving the Boston Red Sox

- I’m not sure what it is about veteran pitchers leaving the Boston Red Sox this season, but there’s no denying that an interesting trend is unfolding in the cases of hurlers Brad Penny and John Smoltz. Penny spent the entire season on Boston’s roster up until two weeks ago, making 24 starts and posting a crap-tacular 7-8 record and 5.61 ERA with the Sox before being jettisoned and signing on with San Francisco. He’s made two great starts with the Giants, going 2-0 with a 1.20 ERA with Frisco. Smoltz wasn’t on the active roster in Boston nearly as long, making only a third as many starts as Penny (eight) after offseason arm surgery forced him into a lengthy minor league rehab stint. But when he did take the hill for the BoSox, Smoltz was almost always awful, going 2-5 with a 8.33 ERA in those eight starts. Boston did the only thing it could do, being a team fighting for its playoff life and with a struggling, aging pitcher on its hands - they cut the future hall of famer loose. He caught on in St. Louis after 12 days and has looked like a totally different pitcher ever since. In four starts with the Cardinals, Smoltz is 1-1 with a 3.27 ERA, including five shutout innings in his St. Louis debut. In an interview shortly after his first start in St. Louis, Smoltz said the 12 days off helped him get his head right and I don’t doubt that, but there’s no denying the start of a curious trend here. Maybe these two guys just didn’t mesh well with Boston’s coaching staff and perhaps they needed a fresh start, I don’t know. Heck, maybe Smoltz and Penny merely channeled their anger from being cut, caught lightning in a bottle and are experiencing a temporary surge of success in their respective new homes. Or maybe, just maybe, the staff in Boston isn't capable of getting the best out of its pitchers and/or handling veteran guys who have a few miles on their odometer. Tim Wakfield’s success as the longest-tenured member of the pitching staff would seem to indicate otherwise, but then again, he’s a knuckleballer and something of an anomaly. So maybe there’s something more here than it would appear or maybe this is all one big, goofy coincidence, but either way, it’s good to see a class guy like John Smoltz experience success once again for a team that is one of the leading contenders for the championship in 2009…….

- Annie Leibovitz always seems to be at the center of some sort of controversy - i.e. taking creepy, borderline-lewd pictures of teen pop stars reclining in seductive poses between the legs of their mullet-wearing, honky-tonk singing dads - but this is a new one for the famed celebrity photographer. Leibovitz is in danger of losing her entire portfolio of world-famous photographs if she doesn't meet a deadline to pay back a $24 million loan she is alleged to owe. Consider that she has photographed everyone from the Rolling Stones to Queen Elizabeth II and you begin to understand just how big a loss this would be for her. But then again, Leibovitz can’t blame anyone but herself for this because it was she who put her art, intellectual property and even real estate assets up for collateral last year when she consolidated her massive debts. She worked that deal withArt Capital Group and was thus able to restructure the debts. However, putting up her portfolio was a dicey move and when Leibovitz agreed "to make Art Capital her 'irrevocable exclusive agent'" of the assets "in exchange for a reduced interest rate on the loan,” losing them was a distinct possibility. Now the company is suing Leibovitz for breach of contract, saying she has "refused to cooperate in the sale of those assets." Art Capital also says she has "refused to pay to Art Capital hundreds of thousands of dollars she owed as part of the same agreement.” Through her attorney, Leibovitz declined comment on the lawsuit, but she is clearly in no hurry to give up assets that include photos is of John Lennon with his wife, Yoko Ono, shortly before the Beatles star was assassinated in 1980, pics of a nude and extremely pregnant Demi Moore for the cover of Vanity Fair and the images of Disney star Miley Cyrus I alluded to at the start of this story. Back in July, Art Capital filed a complaint with the New York Supreme Court, asking it to uphold the sales agreement it signed with Leibovitz because she wasn’t holding up her end of the deal. The company is angry enough that it is also asking for an unspecified amount of damages in addition to the money it says the photographer originally borrowed. Bottom line here is that things don’t look good at all for Leibovitz and although people will still associate her iconic pictures with her, Art Capital is about to make a whole lot of money off of her and there’s not much she can do about it………

- Hopefully someone reading this was fortunate enough to attend a freaking free concert by the legendary Jay-Z at New York's Blender Theater tonight, just one day after his eleventh studio album, "The Blueprint 3," dropped. The concert, presented by DJ Hero, came just two days before H.O.V.A.’s highly-anticipated Madison Square Garden charity concert. Yesterday, along with the release of “Blueprint 3,” Jay-Z also announced a fall tour of college basketball arenas, which will no doubt be filled with sellout shows. On top of all that, he’ll be making an appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" in coming weeks and also has an interview set to appear in the October 2009 issue of Winfrey’s magazine "O." For a Brooklyn-born and bred guy, being a part of so much going on in his hometown has to be great for Jay-Z and I know for damn sure that having this dude give a free concert should basically start a riot with people brawling to get in the door. Heck, people line up hundreds deep when anyone gives away something crappy for free, so how much more pumped should everyone be when something great is available for free? I wish I was in NYC today, no doubt, and I’d drive there for the show, but driving six-plus hours and using all of that gas would kind of defeat the purpose of a free concert. For anyone who hasn’t yet heard “Blueprint 3,” I’d encourage you to pick up a copy, even if you’re not a huge hip-hop fan. I’m not a big rap fan either, but Jay-Z is simply the best in the game and his rhymes are always worth listening to………

- Get ready for a flip-flop, resident of Samoa. And yes, this flip-flop does involve politicians, but not in the way you might think. The government of Samoa has dropped new driving laws in place switching motorists from driving on the right side of the road to the left. Heck, the government even gave everyone a two-day holiday to allow people to get accustomed to the change. In spite of this, there were still protests, which you know I love. Also, there were plenty of gawkers to come out and watch for any possible carnage as drivers began adjusting to the change, which became effective at 6 a.m. local time on Monday. Spectators lined the roads to see what sort of havoc would happen when their fellow Samoans had to make what had to be a bizarre and difficult adjustment. Why is the change being enacted? Well, the government says it will allow consumers to get cheaper, more fuel-efficient vehicles from nearby Australia and New Zealand, rather than the United States. A YouTube video of some Samoan streets was up the day the change went into place and in it, you can see a strong police presence standing by. Those who have most vociferously opposed the new road rules are bus drivers and people for whom driving comprises a large part of their business and together, these dissenting souls have formed a group called People Against Switching Sides, or PASS. A bit simplistic and lacking in flair, but a solid acronym and on short notice, it will do, I suppose. The group's president, Papali'i Dr. Viopapa Atherton, said the group fears the arrival of imports from New Zealand that he characterized as "rust buckets emitting foul smoke which will be dumped in three to four years." Those on the other side of the issue contend that many Samoan auto dealers will be getting right-hand-drive vehicles from Singapore rather than New Zealand. Bus drivers are irate about the change largely because buses will be required to have doors that open on the left side before they can operate on roads under the new rules. The cost of that change, which a bus drivers' group says could cost them as much as $50,000, is something that PASS wants the government to compensate them for. The government did agree to compensation, but only offered $2,360 per bus. That has led to angry complaints from bus owners, who have not yet announced what they will do in response but had earlier threatened to strike. Now that’s what I like to hear, if The Man is trying to stick it to you, you stick it right back to The Man by going on strike! Never mind that Third World countries like Nigeria and Ghana were able to accomplish the switch from driving on one side of the road to driving on the other way back in the early 1970s, dammit. If you don’t like the idea, take it to the streets and make your voice heard……..

- Who doesn’t have fun with Tasers? Other than the person being Tased, the answer is clearly no one. Bearing that in mind, I cannot for the life of me fathom why Volusia County (Fla.) Sheriff Ben Johnson is so angry with officer Mathew Tremblay for allegedly using his Taser on a friend for fun. We wouldn’t even be talking about this if the video hadn’t popped up on MySpace, so chalk another one up to the list of problems and dangers posed by that site. Basically, someone saw the video on MySpace, alerted a local television station (because who else would you call, right?) and that station alerted Sheriff Johnson. In the video, a man identified as Tommy kneels willingly, then a man behind him fires the Taser gun. As with anyone hit with a Taser blast, “Tommy” yelps in pain and twitches, clearly in agony. At the end of the video, you finally see the face of the person responsible for inflicting that pain and it’s none other than Tremblay. Now, he’s the subject of an internal investigation even though Johnson concedes both participants in the video were not acting out of any sort of malice. “It's obvious that they were doing it together, but that doesn't matter. It's our deputy with our equipment. He's the one that's responsible, and he should know better than to do that," Johnson said. Really? No sense of humor, sheriff? A guy can’t have a little fun Tasering his buddies on his off time? “It's not for personal use. It's not for entertainment. It's for police work, and in this instance it appears as though it was misused," Johnson said. Okay, okay, I get it. You’re pissed, you think this guy was misusing police equipment and now he has to pay. So what type of punishment might Tremblay face? It could be anything from being ordered to get counseling to dismissal, although Johnson has already stated that he doubts the punishment would be as significant as dismissal because in his estimation, Tremblay is a good officer who made an error in judgment. And assuming that by “error in judgment” you mean “likes to have a good time blasting his buddies with a Taser and doing something we’d all like to do,” then I agree……..

ESPN may be trying to make me hate college football, a Greek recap and Australia not exactly going the extra mile for its doctors

- On last night’s Greek, it was time for the dads to invade. With Zeta Beta holding its annual Father/Daughter weekend, everyone’s dad was on hand. That meant Casey and Rusty’s dad Russell making a return visit to Cyprus Rhodes, Ashleigh’s dad showing up to see his girl, Rebecca’s dad (disgraced U.S. senator) Ken coming straight from his stint in rehab to be a part of things and even the dad of Rusty’s girlfriend Jordan, Jack Reed, coming to make life miserable for Rusty. For starters, Jack thinks that Rusty is actually Jordan’s football-playing ex-boyfriend from last season, Andy, when he and Rusty bump into each other outside the hotel where all of the visiting dads are staying. Secondly, Jack and Rusty don’t exactly hit it off at the ZBZ Father/Daughter barbecue, where Jack seems to like Rusty’s pal Calvin better and spends most of the time talking sports with Calvin. Things go from worse to worst when Jack walks in on Jordan and Rusty in her dorm room as they’re about to have sex. That leads to a heated showdown the next day in the annual ZBZ dads vs. fraternity guys flag football game. The frat guys have a tradition of throwing the game and allowing the dads to win, but when the dads can’t seem to get along and the trash talking gets out of hand, Rusty reaches his breaking point. After fumbling the ball to Jack and seeing him take off down the field, talking smack along the way, Rusty gives chase and brings Jack down with a vicious tackle that injures Jack’s bad back. The injury brings the game to an abrupt end and clearly does nothing to improve the relationship between Rusty and Jack. Fortunately for Rusty, Jordan isn’t that upset by the tackle and Jack isn't seriously injured, so all is well. Still, Rusty and Jordan decide to hold off on sleeping together until Jack is safely out of town and has no chance of walking in on them. Ironically, Cappie warned Rusty before Jordan’s dad even arrived on campus that things would be awkward at best, but Cappie had his own issues to deal with. Faced with the fact that he had missed his chance to get back together with Casey, he threw himself into other pursuits - tennis, a book club with Dale - to occupy himself. Then along came Mary Elise, a girl who had set up a table on campus to promote her cause - Catholicism. With Dale still feeling extremely guilty about having sex with landlady Sheila and not finding absolution from his own religious beliefs, he too is enamored with Mary Elise, just for very different reasons than Cappie. After both of them agree to attend mass with her, again for very different reasons, and argue over who should get to hang out with her for the rest of the night, Cappie prevails and ends up hooking up with Mary Elise. Their fling lasts all of a day, as Cappie becomes too clingy and leaves her five messages by the time he sees or on campus the next day. Dale also calls Mary Elise multiple times asking for help with his own crisis of faith and she takes offense at his confrontational tone. In the end, she blows off both Cappie and Dale, leaving them to their book club and leaving both in their respective funks. But the true fireworks of the episode came at the ZBZ house, where the fallout from Rebecca kissing Ashleigh’s boyfriend Fisher at the Kappa Tau “End of the World” party in last season’s finale. When Casey puts two and two together from an awkward breakfast encounter between Fisher and Rebecca and confronts them, they admit to the kiss but brush it aside as a drunken mistake. Casey decides not to tell Ashleigh and tells Rebecca that she’ll have to trust her to keep that promise - as long as the kiss is a one-time deal. Having to trust Casey to keep her secret proves too much for Rebecca, so she comes clean with Ashleigh and then rats out Casey for not telling Ashleigh in an attempt to shift some of Ashleigh’s anger off of her. In the ultimate case of bad timing, the ZBZ dads arrive right at the moment this all goes down and the tension is obvious. Still, the girls sweep things under the rug and choose to silently hate one another for the time being. The anger bubbles over at the barbecue, where Ashleigh’s rage comes out while the sisters sing the ZBZ welcome song for their dads. When she inserts some choice new lyrics, Rebecca takes offense, Casey chimes in and all three girls scrap with one another. The barbecue ends with a bang and all three girls sit down with their dads to talk things over. That talk doesn’t go well either, with all three girls storming off and all three dads ending up arguing about whose daughter was to blame. That dissent among the dads continues into the aforementioned flag football game and beyond, but ultimately it’s Casey who confronts the dads and tells them to apologize and make nice during the post-game party at Dobler’s. She also manages to mend fences with BFF Ashleigh at the game, apologizing for not telling her about the kiss. The two of them hug it out and then agree to turn their combined hatred on Rebecca. Ashleigh also must decide what to do about Fisher and her choice is to break up with him. He pleads for a second chance, but she sticks to her policy that if someone lies to or cheats on her, it’s over. All in all, a funny episode and a good one, a solid second week for the season……..

- I don’t know what the true story is when it comes to San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman and his girlfriend, reality TV freak/loser Tila Tequila, I only know what I want to be true. And what I want to be true is that Merriman choked and assaulted Tequila……but not for the reasons you might think. I’m not a hater who wants to see bad things happen to Merriman and for him to go to jail. No, I’m merely saying that it’s about time that someone, somewhere choked and assaulted a reality TV star for what they continue to do to all of us. These no-talent freaks descend on L.A. and/or any network with reality shows like a freaking plague, being the attention whores they are and having no actual talent to play other than making a fool of themselves for money on a reality show. Tila Tequila, real name Tila Nguyen, is a prime example of what I’m talking about here. This chick basically carved out her reputation by putting up skanky pictures and content on MySpace (still the world’s biggest haven for pedophiles and freaks) and managed to parlay that “fame” into a bisexual reality dating show on MTV. That must have caught Merriman’s eye, because the two of them are now (or were?) dating and that’s how the alleged incident occurred. Merriman was arrested early Sunday on suspicion of choking and restraining Nguyen after she told sheriff’s deputies she had been choked and physically restrained by Merriman when she attempted to leave his residence. Nguyen signed a citizen's arrest at the scene, and Merriman was taken into custody on suspicion of battery and false imprisonment. He contends that there were a dozen other people at his house at the time of the incident that that "witness after witness after witness will back up his story 100 percent." His story is that Nguyen was "extremely intoxicated and inebriated" and that Merriman tried to make arrangements for her to get home safely rather that drive herself. Her claim that Merriman roughed her up seems dubious given the fact that deputies didn't see any physical injuries on Nguyen. She also contends that despite her fake last name, she’s actually allergic to alcohol, a fact that would appear to be in dispute because those same deputies reported that she was in fact under the influence of alcohol when they spoke with her. Nguyen’s final ploy was to allege that she saw something in Merriman’s house that she should not have seen and that’s why he was attempting to keep her from leaving. Like I said at the top, violence against women isn't cool, but reality TV contestants are exempt from that rule. By that, I mean both male and female reality TV contestants, because someone needs to smack these people around and pay them back for the suffering and crappy television they’ve subjected us all to. There’s a line not to be crossed, for sure - no causing of permanent injuries and/or death - but beyond that, teach these losers a lesson and maybe we’ll start seeing less of these garbage reality shows on our airwaves……..

- Quite the sophisticated, professional approach your government is taking to helping its medical professionals do their job, Australia. With the omnipresent problem of doctors and surgeons burning the candle at both ends and wearing down physically and mentally, Queensland Health's new doctor fatigue policy includes very thoughtful, detailed recommendation that sleep-deprived doctors down six cups of coffee a day to keep themselves going strong. The policy, currently being rolled out in public hospitals, is designed to address the issue of surgeons and medics committing exhaustion-induced errors that kill or harm patients during "on-call" shifts of 30 to 80 hours. The obvious suggestion would be to bring in more staff to handle patients so that people aren’t working "on-call" shifts of 30 to 80 hours, but Queensland Health doesn’t seem to think that’s an option. QH’s Fatigue Risk Management System claims "solutions such as 'we need more staff' might not be achievable or effective in managing a fatigue risk." Not effective? Don’t confuse you being too cheap to hire more doctors with having more qualified doctors on staff not helping to alleviate fatigue and fatigue-induced errors. Recommending the "strategic use of caffeine . . . to be beneficial" for doctors working ubar-long shifts isn't groundbreaking, helpful analysis; it’s a bad idea that any Starbucks barista could come up with. But hey, at least QH isn't being unreasonable about expecting doctors, many of whom might not like coffee, to chug down five or six cups. To that end, QH proposes caffeine tablets or energy drinks as alternatives. Great, so some surgeon peaking on four Red Bulls and running on no sleep is who you’re counting on to keep you alive in an emergency, super. “Compared with other psychoactive drugs, for example, modafinil (a prescription-only narcolepsy treatment), caffeine is supported in its use as it is more readily available and less expensive," the 102-page report says. Critics of this plan (and with such a stellar plan, who could be critical?) point out that this practice could a) turn doctors into caffeine addicts and b) result in heart palpitations, raised blood pressure, dizziness, anxiety and hand tremors, all of which are distinct possibilities with people consuming 400mg of caffeine a day. Call me cynical, but those are attributes I really wouldn’t want in any doctor or surgeon I was seeing. But pass the Foldger’s, Red Bulls and Five Hour Energy, Aussie docs, because that looks like the only help you’re going to be getting……….

- A question for ESPN: Are you actively trying to make me hate college football? Because if you keep tethering the millstone that is country music to one of my favorite sports, that’s a distinct possibility. For three years now, the Worldwide Leader has used a song by country music knobs Big & Rich (not sure which of them is which, but I know that they both suck) as the intro music for one of the best sports programs on television, College Game Day. I’ve managed to live with that because I enjoy the show so much and can focus on all of the pretty pictures and videos playing on my television screen while this horrid, ear-assaulting music plays. However, even as a (not-so) silently root for ESPN to come to its senses and pick a song from a musical genre that doesn’t blow, what does the network do but heap another steaming, stinking pile of the monkey crap that is country music onto my college football-watching experience. Now because I don’t know country music at all and make it a point not to, I could be mistaken on the identity of the artist I’m about to insult, but that’s irrelevant. I think it was Kenny Chesney abusing my poor ears with his twangy garbage during games all weekend long, as ESPN seemed intent on shoving his music into a bunch of video highlight packages and ruining what were otherwise great games. The only reason I think it was Chesney is because dude was a guest on College Game Day last year and I’m pretty sure I recognized him. So unless ESPN is planning on completely ruining what just might be the second-best sport in America by associating it with what is unquestionably the second-worst music genre in the world (disco still in the lead there), I feel compelled to warn the Worldwide Leader to ditch the country music and save us all. Oh, and while we’re here, I have another note to mention from a weekend of watching college football: Jim Breuer is a) not funny, b) super, super annoying, c) irritating enough for me to want to drop whatever I’m doing, go find him and punch him repeatedly in the groin until he passes out. I mention this because Pizza Hut inexplicably picked this ass hat for its newest commercial and I think I retroactively threw up every piece of Pizza Hut pizza I’ve ever eaten as a result. Not sure who told Breuer that he’s funny, but that person either hates him or has no sense of comedy. So while it is virtually impossible for anyone or anything to ruin a great first weekend of college football, big ups to ESPN, country music and Jim Breuer for trying……….

- I really don’t think this is the way you want your marriage proposal to go when you sit down and plot out the most romantic way to ask for your girlfriend’s hand in marriage. An unidentified couple in the rural town of Cabin John, Md. had their special day marred when, shortly after the proposal, the newly-engaged woman “lost her footing and fell onto a large, jagged rock,” according to Montgomery Co. Fire & Rescue Captain Derrell Walker. Ouch. That certainly is not a good way to start off your engagement, but I think we all know the sort of a danger a person willingly puts themselves in when they go hiking along the Billy Goat Trail beside the Potomac River on a Sunday afternoon, don’t we? So while this couple had the exciting chance to call everyone they know and tell them about the engagement, doing so from the back of an ambulance or the emergency room probably put a damper on things. But hey, they did score a ride in a U.S. Park Police Helicopter, so big thumbs up there. Also, the injuries sustained by the woman were considered serious but non-life threatening, so this story should have a happy ending after all. She was been treated and released from the hospital, but there is no word so far on whether the couple has set a date for the wedding. While we don’t know that, I think we all know places they should avoid for their honeymoon, namely any and all national parks and anywhere with sharp, jagged rocks and steep cliffs………

The League of Fascism forms, the Tuk Tuk invades America and paying for your gas with the hippie lettuce

- Hugo Chavez is nobody’s fool. He realizes that sooner or later, someone is gonna get nuked and by God, he’s making sure that it’s not him. And if I’m talking nukes, you know I’m talking one of two countries: North Korea or Iran. Predicting which crazy, diabolical dictators will buddy up is a total crapshoot, so predicting the pairing of Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was next to impossible. Yet there were the two dictators, er, leaders standing side by side, pledging to stand up against "imperialist" foes by strengthening bilateral cooperation on a range of issues, including nuclear power “Expansion of Tehran-Caracas relations is necessary given their common interests, friends and foes," Ahmadinejad said after a meeting with Chavez. So apparently Iran and Venezuela plan to form some sort of League of Fascism, which has to include North Korea and Cuba at some point if it’s going to be legit. But what I wouldn’t have given to tag along as Chavez and a team of high-ranking Venezuelan officials made a two-day weekend roadie to Tehran. “Tehran and Caracas should help revolutionary nations through further expansion and consolidation of their ties,” Chavez declared post-meeting. Personally I’m pumped for the League of Fascism, even if the first venture for this new partnership is pretty lame - a joint geological study in Venezuela’s Andean belt. Look, if you want to agree to do a borrrring geological study together, that’s fine. Just don’t make it the first project for your brand-new partnership, that’s all I’m saying. You have to go with some sort of nuclear proliferation pact, maybe the creation of a super-secret multi-national intelligence agency to undermine your enemies, something like that, unless……unless this “geological study” is merely a ruse and a cover for a nuclear proliferation pact or the creation of a super-secret multi-national intelligence agency to undermine your enemies. In that case, well done. There are other bilateral projects underway for the League of Fascism and to be fair, Chavez did hint at the dream of building a "nuclear village" with Iranian help in his country, but I need something more concrete. Chavez also showed that he knows how to lie and engage in top-notch political double-talk, falling in line with Ahamdinejad’s continued assertions that Iran's nuclear ambitions are for peaceful purposes. "There is not a single proof that Iran is building ... a nuclear bomb," Chavez said. Semantics, my man, semantics. Yes, there may be no concrete proof that Iran is building a nuclear bomb, but that’s how these things work. If you’re building one, you make damn sure that no one can prove what you’re up to. Still, that’s not going to ruin my enthusiasm for the League of Fascism and there’s nothing that can……….

- Gas is expensive these days. Finding the money to fill your tank is a tough proposition for a lot of people and quite frankly, people are having to make major sacrifices merely to have enough gas in their tank to get where they need to go. With that as the backdrop, let’s see if we can’t take a slightly different perspective on the story I’m about to share than most people will. Journey with me to New Market, Maryland and meet my friend James T. Hart. Yes, it’s a bad sign that we know his middle initial, but let’s not rush to judgment, k? Hart was riding his motorcycle through Frederick County when he noticed that the needle on his gas tank was perilously close to “E.” So he pulled into the Classic Fuels Store on Old National Pike at about 3 p.m. and pumped his gas, just like you or I would. The problem came when Hart went to pay for his gas, because that’s when he ran into a couple of close-minded squares who balked at his offer to pay for his fuel purchase with none other than the hippie lettuce. In a move that absolutely baffles me, the store clerks balked at the offer and instead called the cops. Why? Either you accept that offer and smoke the pot yourself or you take it and then turn around and sell it to one of those loser stoners who are always lurking and loitering outside of every single gas station I’ve ever seen. One way or another, accepting that chronic in lieu of cash is going to be a good deal for you. You can a) get high and mellow out or b) you flip it and end up making more than enough money to cover the cost of the gas and have some left over for yourself. But no, these two idiots had to go all law-abiding citizen and call The Man. Subsequently, Hart and his motorcycle were searched, and police say they found suspected cocaine, Oxycodone pills and more pot. He’s been charged with possession of cocaine, marijuana and drug paraphernalia. What saddens me immensely is how easily this could have been avoided and ended up as a win-win for everyone involved, but sadly it didn’t go that way……….

- What is this, the National Football League or a white elephant gift exchange at your family Christmas party? Quarterback Kevin O’Connell was drafted by the New England Patriots in 2008 and for whatever reason, he never really caught on with the team. When Tom Brady was injured last season, it was Matt Cassel who stepped up and became a star in his place while O’Connell lingered quietly in the background. This summer, O’Connell managed to complete his fall from favor in the eyes of Bill Belichick and Co., finding himself cut last Monday. With several days before the final cutdown to 53 for NFL rosters, O’Connell had time to catch on with a new team and as always, there was a franchise will to take a chance on a young, talented quarterback even if he had proven nothing at all in the NFL. That team was the Detroit Lions, who claimed O’Connell off of waivers. They brought him in, threw him into the mix and made him feel like a part of the team…..for all of six days. That’s how long it took for the Lions to pick O’Connell up, bring him in and turn him right back around, trading him to the New York Jets Sunday for an undisclosed draft pick. Seriously, what the heck? Why did you even bother to bring the guy in? He practiced with you for a few days but when the Lions played their final exhibition game against Buffalo last Thursday night, O’Connell played only two series and didn’t throw a pass. I guess that was all the Lions needed to see, because three days later they flipped him for a draft pick. The deal gives the Jets four quarterbacks on the roster with rookie starter Mark Sanchez, veteran Kellen Clemens and Erik Ainge. And while I have no idea what the Lions were doing picking up and then trading O’Connell, I understand the Jets trading for him. They were known to have an interest in him, having also put in a waiver claim for him last week. Who knows, maybe the Lions picked O’Connell up with the intent of trying to squeeze a draft pick from another team interested in trading for him. Or maybe they picked him up with no such plans and the trade was merely a happy coincidence. Either way, I’ll be interested to see if this is O’Connell’s final stop for this season or if a few more teams want to pass him around like an ugly Christmas sweater at a gift exchange……..

- Labor Day weekend has a theme for 2009 and that theme is: death in the form of a horribly clichéd, trite and gimmicky horror movie that’s the umpteenth installment of a franchise that was tired and played out before it began. Yes, The Final Destination is the box office champion for the weekend, scoring an estimated $12.4 million in a low-scoring race at the movies. The 3-D flick beat out Sandra Bullock-Bradley Cooper comedy (just imagine any Sandra Bullock movie you’ve ever seen, recycled with the same sappy, cheesy romantic comedy trappings and with a different cast) All About Steve, which made $11.2 million. It was the second such movie Bullock has released this summer after The Proposal came out the first weekend in June and made $33.6 million. Coming in third for the weekend was Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds ($10.8 million), beating out Gerard Butler’s Gamer (No. 4, $9 million), and holdover District 9 (No. 5, $7 million). It was not a good weekend for Mike Judge’s Extract which barely dinged the top 10 at No. 10 with a take of $4.2 million. The rest of the top 10 included: 6. Halloween II — $5.6 million,
7. Julie & Julia — $5.2 million,
8. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra — $5.1 million and 9. The Time Traveler’s Wife. There are a couple of decent movies in there, I think, but it does sadden me that Ang Lee’s Taking Woodstock dropped out of that top 10 because I maintain that it’s a much better movie than people are giving it credit for and that Dmitri Martin’s performance is actually pretty good in the film. Go see it if you get a chance, more so than any of the crap in the actual top 10………

- Say hello to the Tuk Tuk, America. If you’re asking, “The What What?,” know that you’re not alone. While The three-wheeled vehicles known as Tuk Tuks are popular overseas, they are a complete unknown to most Americans. They would likely remain that way for a long time if not for a Chattanooga, Tenn. couple who are looking to bring the Tuk Tuk to the American masses. Bill Schultz and his wife are now the proud owners of the only authorized U.S. dealership for the Tuk Tuk. Tuk Tuk USA will offer consumers the chance to spend $10,000 to $15,000 on a bizarre vehicle they know nothing about. “It's just so different. It's so unique nobody's ever seen anything like it over here unless they've seen one on television,” Schultz explains. “I'd worked here during 1971 for 4 years when this was a Chevrolet dealership. And I worked here again in the 80s when it was a Porche/Audi dealership.” Schultz’s business partner Roy Jordan explains that at present, costumers can choose from 12 body styles and capacities ranging from three all the way to 15. Perhaps the best news is that the Tuk Tuk is EPA approved, so you can actually get a vehicle license for it. Also, the Tuk Tuk can run on propane and natural gas, which are both nice benefits. One concern that I’d have over them is that these toys on wheels can only go up to 63 miles per hour. Yes, zip right along at a brisk 63 mph while everyone else on the highway roars by you, laughing and pointing. In spite of their limited horsepower, some of the first Tuk Tuks to land in America have already been sold, although the shipment is currently being held up at the port. For some odd reason, Schultz and Jordan say that many of those looking to buy the novelty cars are trading in scooters to do so, which makes no sense because I’m pretty sure the scooters have more muscle under the hood. But if novelty products are your thing and you don’t need to get where you’re going quickly, then perhaps the Tuk Tuk is just the car for you………

We're still safe from the Juice, dorks unite in the ATL and the president is working my last nerve

- Good news, world, we’re still safe from the menace that is O.J. Simpson. The Juice will not be loose as he appeals his conviction in a gunpoint hotel room heist to allegedly retrieve memorabilia that belonged to him. A three-judge panel shot down attempts by O.J. and co-defendant Clarence "C.J." Stewart to be let out of prison while their appeals are ongoing. The judges ruled that the Juice and Stewart didn't meet the "heavy burden" required to be allowed to post bail. To be honest, it couldn’t have been that difficult a decision for these judges to make. Set aside the fact that dude (probably/certainly) turned both his wife and her gentleman friend into human Pez dispensers in one of the most violent murders you’ll ever see and got away with it, but as the judges noted, a jury found Simpson guilty of "serious, non-probationable, violent offenses" with firearms involved. And for some odd reason, the judges also felt that the Juice and his buddy posed flight risks. What on Earth would give them that idea? It’s not like O.J. jumped into a white Ford Bronco driven by good friend Al Cowlings and went on a slow-speed chase on the freeways of sunny Southern California when he was wanted by the police in the murder of his ex-wife and her fr-……oh wait, yes he was. Zero sympathy for you, Juice, or for you, C.J. Stewart. You knobs both thought it was a good idea to strap yourselves, stage a commando-style raid on a Vegas hotel room and terrorize a couple of sports memorabilia dealers who may or may not have had items belonging to the Juice. Whether you agree with the judge and jury in your criminal case, they convicted you and sentenced you to long terms (nine to 33 years for O.J., 7½ to 27 years for Stewart) in prison and that makes the both of you convicted felons. Maybe the Juice is still having a tough time believing that this is all happening and that he doesn’t actually have a deal with the devil that allows him to commit any crime he wants here on this Earth and get away with it, but these two idiots need to accept their fate and stop trying to scheme their way out of prison. Enjoy your decade-plus in the hole, both of you, hope to see you never again……

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- How surreal is it to see The Beatles in a video game and popping up in animated music videos on MTV? Very surreal, to answer my own question. But on Wednesday -- 9/9/09 - "The Beatles: Rock Band" is set to be released by Harmonix. That coincides with the release of remastered versions of the Beatles' catalogue, giving listeners what the remaining members of "The Fab Four" say is the closest reproduction ever of how their music sounded in the studio. The band’s living members - Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney - were closely associated with the creations of the video game, which allows players to sing and strum along on a huge list of Beatles classics over scenes ranging from Liverpool's Cavern Club to their final performance on a London rooftop. Along with the re-release of their catalog in remastered form, it will be a big day for arguably the most impactful band in music history. On top of those things, there are rumors that a Beatles-related "music-themed" announcement will be made by Apple Inc. on 9/9/09. Because of an ongoing dispute between Apple Inc. and the Beatles’ own Apple music label, the band’s music has never been approved for sale by Apple's iTunes. They are one of the few bands whose music is not available on the most popular online music store, but speculation is that that could change come Wednesday. And if you think that all of this buzz for a band that hasn’t sung a live note in nearly five decades is misplaced…..well, you’re just wrong. Don’t believe me, someone who is a huge Beatles fan despite being born more than a decade and a half too late to hear them perform live. A Pew Research survey released last month showed that 81 percent of respondents between ages 16-29 said they liked The Beatles, dwarfing the 39 percent of respondents who like current rockers Coldplay received positive responses and the 42 percent who said they Kanye West. So while John Lennon may have been overstating things when he said the group was "more popular than Jesus," the fact is that the Beatles and their music remain a powerful musical influence to this day. Credit much of that to Lennon and McCartney’s amazing songwriting, but whoever you assign credit to, just know that the Beatles and their influence remain very real. One last note on the rumors of the Beatles’ music coming to iTunes…..EMI, which will be releasing the remastered recordings, has resisted going digital because MP3s have lower sound quality than albums or compact discs, but that’s something that just doesn’t seem to be a huge concern for most music fans these days. But whether these rumors are true or not, I’m glad to see people still appreciating a band that was truly a legendary act and produced some great songs that still ring true today………

- Everyone hates baseball players who slow down games. Whether it’s a hitter who steps out of the box and must go through an extensive routine between pitches (something Major League Baseball has worked to address) or a slow-poke pitcher who meanders around the mound between pitches, takes forever to agree on a sign with his catcher and then takes forever to come plate-ward, these players are not well-liked. Even the most avid baseball fan doesn’t want to see a four-hour, nine-inning game. Boston Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon is one of these slow-moving players and because of his time-consuming act, he’s been hit up with fines amounting to tens of thousands of dollars by MLB this season alone. The most recent fine came after Papelbon took too long to deliver his first pitch Tuesday night, resulting in a $5,000 penalty. It was at least the fifth time he's been cited for failure to obey baseball’s time-limit rules and according to none other than Papelbon himself, he's been fined more than $10,000 total. "After this, I don't know, man," Papelbon said. "I think they're going to call my parole officer and put me away." Ha ha….not funny. Look bro, I know you’re a great closer and you’re pretty freaking intimidating on the mound, but no one wants to see you take five minutes between pitches so you can do whatever the hell it is you’re doing from one pitch to another. See, MLB put two pitching-related rule changes in place this season specifically because of guys like you. The first rule stipulates that the pitcher must throw the first pitch of a half-inning no more than 2 minutes, 20 seconds from the final out of the previous half-inning. The second rule mandates that pitchers have 12 seconds to throw once a batter settles into the box. Papelbon violated the second rule Tuesday night and had a ball called on him as a result. "It's something I've got to get used to," Papelbon said. "When I come in from the bullpen, I've got to speed it up. I know it's a new rule and everything and they're trying to enforce it. I guess I'm just the one they decided to enforce it on.” No amigo, you’re not being singled out. While I can’t list every guy who has been fined for a similar offense this season, I feel safe in saying that Major League Baseball does not have any sort of vendetta against you. Suck it up, quit taking freaking forever to throw a pitch and we can all get back to focusing on the fact that you’re 34 for 37 in save opportunities this season with a 1.84 ERA, making you one of baseball’s best closers……..

- Is President Obama trying to become more annoying than his wildly inept predecessor? While that would be a Herculean task and then some, Obama is trying his best to make that happen. Once again, the president will make a speech during prime time, the fifth such speech he’s given in less than a year in office. The speech will be an address to a joint session of Congress and another attempt to gain support for Obama’s health care plan. It’s scheduled for Wednesday at 8/7c, with CBS, ABC and NBC already committed to running the speech. The one network that has yet to announce its plans for the speech is Fox, which is expected to repeat its plan from Obama's last prime-time address in July, when the network decided against airing the speech and instead directed viewers to Fox News to watch it. As I’ve said before, and as 60 percent of voters in a July poll said, watching the shows normally airing at a given time is always preferable to another borrrrring presidential speech. Granted, most shows haven’t begun their new season yet and thus networks aren’t doing anything but yanking reruns to air the speech, but even reruns are more interesting than watching the president yammer on for an hour about health care. Also factoring into Fox’s decision is the fact that this Wednesday marks the heavily promoted fall launch of So You Think You Can Dance and musical dramedy Glee for the network. Networks do lose around $1 million in advertising revenue due to the pre-emption, so there is also that to consider. I can't say for sure what I’ll be watching come Wednesday night - probably any baseball or football games that are on - but I can assure you that I won't be watching NBC, ABC or CBS between 8 and 9 p.m. EST………..

- Dorks unite! While tens of thousands of football fans descended on Atlanta for yesterday’s big game between Alabama and Virginia Tech, they were balanced out by legions of nerds gathering to take part in

Dragon*Con, an annual celebration of science fiction, fantasy, comics and gaming. Right, because what’s better than a parade of misfits dressed as zombies, superheroes, robots, Klingons and Middle Earth dwellers bumbling down your city’s streets? Or what is more uplifting than a convention center full of collectors, vampires, alternate-history speculators and Harry Potter look-alikes? One fan in town for the football game rightly labeled the gathering a "freak show." But hey, the convention is a chance for couples like Karen and Dillan Lee of Cullman, Alabama to throw on a winged costume inspired by "Dawn" comic book artist Joseph Michael Linsner (hers) and the get-up of Batman character Two-Face (his) and get out of the house. Many of the dorks, er, fanatics gathering at the convention are fans of something called Steampunk. Steampunk is sci-fi based in a Victorian aesthetic and at the convention, these losers could attend a workshop on Steampunk costuming. There were, of course, vendors there pandering to these dorks and looking to sell them all of the necessary accoutrements to create their Steampunk costumers. The one positive I could have seen coming out of this weekend would have been a brawl of some sort between testosterone-fueled football fans in face paint and team colors and Dragon*Con dorks, but sadly there were no incidents to speak of. No, there were only hordes of pale, out-of-touch-with-reality nerds lining up to attend workshops and meetings or buy trinkets from their favorite non-reality-based worlds………

"Chuck" adds even more hotness, college football's opening Saturday and a trend I like near our national parks

- Booyah! Not that I needed another reason to love NBC’s uber-great comedy Chuck, but now the show is putting me in hottie-nirvana and this just might be the best season of any show I’ve ever watched based on the fact that the two hottest women on TV (in my infallible opinion, of course) will likely be sharing my screen on Monday nights come March. Yes, I’m referring to Yvonne Strahovski, already a staple of the Chuck cast, and the smokin’ hot Kristin Kreuk, formerly of Smallville. With her Smallville days apparently behind her, Kreuk has signed on for several episodes of Chuck. She’ll play Hannah, a publishing exec who meets Chuck on a plane. However, her career in publishing meets an abrupt end and she finds a new home working at the Buy More. Since there is no actual Buy More with Kristin Kreuk working there for me to visit, I guess I’ll settle for seeing she and Strahovski share screen time, which could well make my head explode from hotness overload. Now if the producers of Chuck can only find a way to work Kiera Knightley, Kristian Bell and Emily Van Camp into one of these episodes…..but I digress. As you may recall from previous posts, Chuck won't be returning until after the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, when it will replace Heroes in NBC’s Monday night lineup. Also appearing for a multi-episode arc as a mysterious spy will be another actor with Superman connections, Brandon Routh of Superman Returns fame. So after rumors of possible budget cuts and drastic scaling back following its last-minute renewal, it would seem that Chuck is not only surviving, but preparing for a freaking awesome third season. Good to hear in a world where the best TV shows are often axed well before their time………..

- What I see as a win-win, the U.S. Forest Service seems to have a major problem with. When drug traffickers plant millions of marijuana plants on U.S. public lands in über-close to tourist sites, I channel my optimistic side and see the positive. For one, you all know how much I love stoners. The more pot plants people want to drop into the ground, the better for stoners - win. Second, the resourceful entrepreneurs who plant these useful plants are showing a can-do spirit, trying to live their version of the American dream - win. Third, visitors to these tourist sites just might be fortunate enough to stumble on a pot field and could pick their very own hippie lettuce to process, roll and smoke - win. What I don’t get is why the Forest Service is so angry about all of this. “We destroy their plants and they come back, sometimes to the same spot, and replant," said U.S. Forest Service Special Agent Russ Arthur. “It's definitely possible that hikers and campers are going to find themselves in the middle of a field facing some very dangerous, armed bad guys, because this problem is everywhere, and it's only getting worse.” Okay, so perhaps there could be some minor issues if the worst possible scenario unfolded. But I’ll head that off by kindly asking that no drug cartel members with automatic weapons open fire on innocent tourists who happen to wander into their pot fields. Just ask them to leave, maybe smoke a friendly fattie together and all will be fine. There, problem solved. Thus far, pot sites linked to cartels have been found in 15 states as far north as Washington. A hippie lettuce farm was found last week in Sequoia National Park in the Sierra Nevada, a mere half-mile away from Crystal Cave, popular among tourists. But instead of embracing this chance to expose park visitors to one of nature’s most useful and beneficial plants, the park shut the area down while the farm was raided and destroyed. “Last week for six days, instead of having families and children walking down to Crystal Cave, we were flying helicopters to do a law enforcement operation," park spokeswoman Adrienne Freeman said. "That's not fair. You should be able to come to the park and enjoy it.” Duh. It’d not fair, assuming that what you’re referring to as unfair is your agency’s insistence on a) persecuting pot growers and b) preventing park visitors from seeing the splendor of a marijuana farm up close and personal. Besides, Freeman admitted that there is a steep cliff near the site and most visitors wouldn't be skilled enough to trek into the area. Not so in Idaho, where earlier this summer, hikers stumbled upon 12,545 marijuana plants valued at $6.3 million. Other stashes have been found in Indiana, Denver, Georgia and Tennessee. One disturbing trend by the Forest Service is the practice of posting signs on public land, informing people what a pot field looks like and how to get away from it quickly. Again, why would I want to get away from it? Harvest some of the chronic, sure. Get away from it? No. Besides, I admire the gutsy nature of these pot growers, living out in the middle of the woods, camping out and knowing that at any moment The Man might come crashing through the brush looking to wipe out there little enterprise. So even if the U.S. Forest Service has a beef with you, pot growers near U.S. parks, know that I’m here for you………

- I don’t want to alarm anyone, but…….GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL AND IT’S GOING TO DESTROY THE EARTH!!!! Okay, so maybe that’s a tad alarmist, but the fact is that Arctic temperatures in the 1990s reached their warmest level of any decade in at least 2,000 years and however you slice it, that’s not a good thing. According to new research published in Science magazine, the Arctic would be cooling if not for greenhouse gas emissions overpowering natural climate patterns. The study, led by Northern Arizona University researcher Darrell Kaufman, doesn’t shy away from pointing the finger for the climate changes directly at mankind. Its conclusions are that thousands of years of gradual Arctic cooling, related to natural changes in Earth's orbit, would continue today if not for emissions of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases. "This result is particularly important because the Arctic, perhaps more than any other region on Earth, is facing dramatic impacts from climate change," scientist David Schneider, one of the study’s co-authors, said. "This study provides us with a long-term record that reveals how greenhouse gases from human activities are overwhelming the Arctic's natural climate system." The research team's temperature analysis revealed that summer temperatures in the Arctic (i.e. beach season), cooled at an average rate of about 0.2 degrees Celsius per thousand years. That trend maxed out during the "Little Ice Age," a period of cooling that lasted roughly from the 16th to the mid-19th centuries. That cooling trend had its atmospheric ass kicked in the 20th century by human-induced warming. By the time the year 2000 rolled around, summer temperatures in the Arctic were 1.4 degrees Celsius higher than would have been expected had things continued on their previous course. If it hadn't been for the increase in human-produced greenhouse gases, summer temperatures in the Arctic should have cooled gradually over the last century," said Bette Otto-Bliesner, an National Center for Atmospheric Research scientist who participated in the study. This is as direct an indictment of our effect on the world’s continued environmental downturn as I’ve seen from a scientific study of late, so please direct all appropriate hate mail not to me, but to the NCAR and/or appropriate researchers……….

- It’s back, baby! College football has returned and for the most part, it was a great Saturday of action. There were a couple of near-miss upsets (both involving Big Ten teams, ironically) and a couple of games involving top 20 opponents. The near misses both came in the first wave of games, with the biggest near-miss coming from Division I-AA Northern Iowa, which led in-state rival Iowa most of the game before falling behind in the fourth quarter. In the game’s final moments, NIU managed to drive the length of the field while trailing 16-14 and needing only a field goal to win. Astonishingly, the Panthers got not one, but two shots at that game-winning field goal - and both were blocked. They recovered the first blocked kick with one second left and were able to attempt a second kick, but it too was blocked. It would have been an embarrassing loss for Iowa, a fate that nearly befell fellow Big Ten contender Ohio State. The Buckeyes led Navy the entire game and were up by as many as 15 points, but lapses on defense and coach Jim Tressel’s inexplicable decision to sit starting quarterback Terrell Pryor out for a series in the second quarter when the Buckeyes finally seemed to be getting on track offensively allowed the Midshipmen to hang in the game. A long touchdown pass and a bad interception by Pryor set Navy up to march for a late touchdown to pull with in two at 29-27. In the end, OSU intercepted a pass on the two-point conversion attempt, returned it for two points of their own and held on for a 31-27 win. Not as fortunate was #3 Oklahoma, which suffered as a bad a double-whammy as a top team could have in its opening game, losing Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Sam Bradford to a shoulder injury just before halftime and then losing the game 14-13 to the Stormin’ Mormons, a.k.a. BYU. The loss could well kill Oklahoma’s national championship dreams before they could even take flight, although the Sooners could theoretically still run the table and make it to the (completely bogus and illegitimate) BCS championship game. Elsewhere, two once-proud programs that have been lagging and sagging the past couple of years got their seasons off to a rousing start, with Notre Dame and Michigan both recording lopsided home wins. Notre Dame hammered overmatched Nevada 35-0 and Michigan succeeded in doing what it could not do in last year’s home opener, namely defeat a Mid-American Conference team. This time, it was Western Michigan, which could not follow the example set by fellow MAC school Toledo last year and win in the Big House. The Broncos fell 31-7, giving embattled UM coach Rich-er Fraud-riguez a much-needed win. The last thing that stood out for me on the first Saturday of the season was the heinous, reprehensible and cowardly scheduling by several top programs that played Div. I-AA schools instead of legitimate D-I teams. Yes, I’m looking right at you, University of Florida. You have supposedly the greatest college quarterback of all-time in Tim Tebow, you’ve won two national titles in the past three years and the best you can do for an opener is Charleston Southern (winning 62-3)? You’re either really lazy or really cowardly and neither one is cool. Muscle up, pay a D-I school from the MAC, WAC, Mountain West, etc. to come play you. If you can’t go undefeated against a schedule that doesn’t include any Div. 1-AA schools, then you’re not that good. Same goes for you, Texas, for playing mighty Louisiana Monroe in your home opener. You get no respect, while Oklahoma State and Georgia get big ups for playing one another in Stillwater, Okla. even though OK State was ranked No. 9 and Georgia was ranked No. 13. The Cowboys won that one 24-10, but both schools get high marks in my book for having the kahones to schedule a quality opponent instead of a cupcake. One week in the books, many more to go, good times……..

- Oh, you environmental whack-job kooks, what would this country be without you? Saner, yes. More pleasant to live in, sure. But we would be without our regular dose of crazy and believe it or not, we would miss that - I think. For example, if not for the enviro-kooks, who would be there to knock down two radio station towers belonging to radio station KRKO in Snohomish County, Washington because "AM radio waves cause adverse health effects including a higher rate of cancer, harm to wildlife, and that the signals have been interfering with home phone and intercom lines." Claiming responsibility for this “dissidence” is none other than the Earth Liberation Front (ELF), a group identified by U.S. officials as a domestic terrorism threat. "When all legal channels of opposition have been exhausted, concerned citizens have to take action into their own hands to protect life and the planet," Jason Crawford, a spokesman for the group, said. Look Jason….everyone knows that there is no bigger fan of protesting, rioting, etc. than me, but you ass clowns don’t qualify. For starters, the acronym for your group’s name is ELF, and let’s face it, no one likes elves and they don’t scare anyone. Second, you don’t go out in the dead of night and knock over two radio towers when no one is there to see it. Any good riot or protest is done with maximum possible exposure and boldly in the face of The Man, you idiot. While I don’t concur with the government that ELF’s actions are terrorism, that’s mainly because the government definition of domestic terrorism is too broad and generic. That description labels domestic terrorism as use or threatened use of violence by a domestic group "against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives.” As for KRKO, the station says it will take at least three months to get is antenna system back up and operational again. In the meantime, the station has remained on the air by using a backup transmitter site. One thing I do have to credit the ELF freaks for is their resourcefulness, as they stole an excavating machine out of a yard in order to knock down the towers. While the government describes this gaggle of societal misfits as domestic terrorists, the group describes itself as "an international underground organization that uses direct action in the form of economic sabotage to stop the systematic exploitation and destruction of the planet. ELF credits itself with well over $150 million in damages to corporations and governmental agencies that are profiting from the destruction of the Earth. Mmmm hmm, sure. Whatever you say, enviro-freaks. From now on, why don’t you try showing some sac and performing your little feats of environmental heroism in the light of day and in the faces of those you oppose……..