- Facebook is a unique blend of components and vices. It’s addictive like crack for some people, it’s a means of connecting with friends and family for others and a method of quietly stalking people for people with little or no life. For one bumbling burglar in West Virginia, the social networking site also proved to be an effective crime-solving tool - assuming that the involved criminal is a brain-dead tool with an IQ of 60 or less. Jonathan G. Parker is one such idiot and when he committed a burglary in the town of Martinsburg, he committed one fatal faux pas that ultimately led to his downfall. His victim arrived home to find her home has been burglarized. She called police and Deputy P.D. Ware of the Berkeley County Sheriff's Department responded to the call. The deputy learned that the intruder had entered the home through a bedroom window, rifled through cabinets in her garage and most other rooms in the house. But it wasn’t until later that the victim realized (she’s apparently a bit slow on the pick up) that a) she was missing two diamond rings from her dresser in her bedroom and b) someone had used her computer, presumably the burglar. Normally that wouldn’t be a useful tool for finding a burglar unless he or she had left fingerprints on the keyboard that could be traced back to determine identity. But this was a special case with a special kind of criminal, as Parker had used the victim’s computer to log onto Facebook and subsequently forgotten to log off - uh oh! During the investigation, one of the victim’s friends informed her that the same man whose Facebook profile had been up on her computer was in fact staying at a house nearby. Police went to the home, spoke to a friend of Parker’s and were informed that the night before the burglary, Parker asked him if he wanted to help break into the victim's home but he refused. From there, it was merely a matter of tracking Parker down, slapping the silver bracelets on him and charging him with one count of felony daytime burglary. If convicted, he faces one to 10 years in prison. Now I don’t know if he would have ultimately been caught even if he’d been smart enough not to log onto Facebook during the burglary, but this just goes to show what an absolute tool this cat is. What, you couldn’t wait an hour to get home and update your Facebook status or accept those two new friends request? Maybe Parker is one of those losers who updates their status constantly with even the most mundane and inane things: “Making a PB&J sandwich for lunch, MMM!” or “Can’t believe it’s raining again, I hate rain!” Perhaps he even updated his status during the burglary: “Just broke into this lady’s house, casing the joint….sweet, a couple of nice rings!” But if you’re going to do that, my man, at least be smart enough to wipe the browser history clean, empty the cache and delete all of the cookies before you go. Shut the computer down, leave it in exactly the condition you found it and no one will be the wiser. Or better yet, have enough self-restraint and forethought to skip a Facebook session in the middle of a burglary. That’s lesson No. 6,788 at my ever-expanding seminar for aspiring-yet-stupid criminals, coming soon to a town near you………..
- Man’s game, eh Tom DeLay? Because what’s a tougher, manlier play than suffering a pre-stress fracture in your right foot but valiantly vowing to continue competing in a lame reality dancing show with a bunch of D-list rejects and never-were’s to see who can throw on the most ridiculous, feather-laden, neon costumes and do the Flamenco to orchestral versions of crappy pop songs and vowing to continue competing “until the foot breaks”? The former House Majority leader is clearly pretty pumped about being a part of this lame-fest, known as Dancing With the (D-List) Stars because he’s going to keep on dancing at the risk of hurting his foot boo-boo. "I'm very cognizant that if it breaks I may have to leave the show, so I am trying to follow the doctor's orders. His orders were relative rest," DeLay said. "Let me put it this way: I'm going to dance until the foot breaks." Here’s hoping that happens sooner rather than later, T.D. And no, I’m not saying that because I think DeLay is a tool for agreeing to appear on this show, although I do think that. No, I’m hoping his foot breaks because that’s the quickest way for him to get off of this abortion of a reality show because he’s clearly too stupid to do it voluntarily. Seriously, of all the things to risk your health for, this is easily among the five dumbest and most pointless. How many of you can tell me who has won any of the however many seasons of this crap-fest there have been? Not many, I’d say. And if you can tell me, get lost because I don’t want anyone with entertainment standards that low reading this space. You don’t need to actually watch DWTDLS to actively root for DeLay to break his foot into a thousand pieces. "Now I'm walking around in ugly hiking books. I'm icing every 30 minutes and we're not dancing for as long a period of time and I'm resting longer," DeLay informed us even though no one cares. He and partner Cheryl Burke will take on the rest of the has-been/never-were losers beginning whenever it is that this nightmare starts and DeLay plans on receiving regular cortisone shots to keep him going. “I'm going to the bitter end — whatever happens!" he exclaimed. The only way I’m going to be bitter is if this guy’s foot doesn’t shatter like a glass bowl hitting a cement floor………..
- Dunta Robinson, you have my full support even if your team, the Houston Texans, don’t have your back. Embroiled in a contract dispute with the team, Robinson decided to send a message in Sunday’s season opener using a unique billboard: his shoes. Robinson wore shoes with the words "Pay me Rick" written on them, referring to general manager Rick Smith. That message cost him $25,000 in the form of a fine from the Texans, although I have to admit that the zealots in the NFL office who police every minute detail of players’ uniforms down to the height of their socks and the towels they tuck into the waistband of their uniform pants didn’t also fine Robinson for doing anything to stand out from the other 21 players on the field. "I got here today, and it was in my locker," Robinson said of the letter informing him of his fine. "I knew it was coming. I talked to Rick [on Monday], and he said he was going to fine me, so there's nothing to be surprised about. "It was over a long time ago. I've moved on. Me and Rick don't have a problem. I'm focused on Tennessee [this Sunday]." Basically, the contract dispute boils down to the fact that the team hit Robinson with the franchise tag this offseason, meaning that any team wishing to sign him would have to compensate them with two future first-round draft picks, a price no one is going to want to pay. The franchise tag does mean that a player must be paid a salary equal to that of the average salary for the top five players at his position in the NFL, but for a guy like Robinson, seeking a long-term contract, it’s not the solution he’s looking for. That’s what prompted his clever sartorial shout-out to his GM, even though Smith said that he told Robinson when he signed his contract for this year (the one mandated by the franchise tag) that the issue of a long-term deal could not be a lingering issue. "When he reported to sign his contract, I explained to him how important it was that he not let his contract status become a distraction," Smith said. "He assured me he would do that. That's not the message we want to send. I explained that to him Monday.” C’mon Rick, grow a sense of humor. That’s tough after your team opened its season with an embarrassing
- Planning that long-awaited trip to Ciudad Juarez, Mexico? Unless your vacation plans include your own death, now would be a good time to reconsider those plans. As prolific as Juarez was in 2008 in terms of murders in 2008 with 1,607, 2009 has blown right past its predecessor and at this rate, there may not be anyone left alive in the city by year’s end. As of Wednesday, the death total for Juarez in 2009 stands at 1,647, pushed past last year’s record total by a rash of killings this week that included a stunning 12 on Tuesday. Of course, Juarez is located right across the border from El Paso, Texas, so you could always just vacation in El Paso, enjoy the scenery there and buy a nice pair of binoculars to scope out the bloodshed and brutality over in Juarez. Drug-related violence has long been a factor in the city, but things really spiraled out of control in early 2008, when the Sinaloa drug cartel began a turf war with the Juarez cartel. In response, President Felipe Calderon sent federal troops to patrol the city and at least 7,500 troops will remain in Juarez at least for another six months at the mayor's request, but that simply hasn’t done much to curb the killings. The city is also trying to do its part by adding additional police officers, but the drug cartels in Mexico are legendary for buying off or intimidating the cops in order to get their business done. So lots of success to the 635 new police officers who graduated from the police academy and joined the Juarez police force Monday, but even a police department that’s now up to more than 2,600 officers seems little match for the cartels. But wait, the police also have an exciting new weapon that is sure to help shut down those nasty drug cartels: a new crime-stoppers phone system. Yes, they’re expecting people to phone in tips to help them in their fight against the cartels. That’ll last right up to the point that someone phones in with a tip, has their head lopped off and hung from a lamp post. I guess what I’m saying here is that maybe, maybe Juarez is not the place to go if you’re looking to relax……or stay alive……..
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