Monday, September 07, 2009

The League of Fascism forms, the Tuk Tuk invades America and paying for your gas with the hippie lettuce

- Hugo Chavez is nobody’s fool. He realizes that sooner or later, someone is gonna get nuked and by God, he’s making sure that it’s not him. And if I’m talking nukes, you know I’m talking one of two countries: North Korea or Iran. Predicting which crazy, diabolical dictators will buddy up is a total crapshoot, so predicting the pairing of Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was next to impossible. Yet there were the two dictators, er, leaders standing side by side, pledging to stand up against "imperialist" foes by strengthening bilateral cooperation on a range of issues, including nuclear power “Expansion of Tehran-Caracas relations is necessary given their common interests, friends and foes," Ahmadinejad said after a meeting with Chavez. So apparently Iran and Venezuela plan to form some sort of League of Fascism, which has to include North Korea and Cuba at some point if it’s going to be legit. But what I wouldn’t have given to tag along as Chavez and a team of high-ranking Venezuelan officials made a two-day weekend roadie to Tehran. “Tehran and Caracas should help revolutionary nations through further expansion and consolidation of their ties,” Chavez declared post-meeting. Personally I’m pumped for the League of Fascism, even if the first venture for this new partnership is pretty lame - a joint geological study in Venezuela’s Andean belt. Look, if you want to agree to do a borrrring geological study together, that’s fine. Just don’t make it the first project for your brand-new partnership, that’s all I’m saying. You have to go with some sort of nuclear proliferation pact, maybe the creation of a super-secret multi-national intelligence agency to undermine your enemies, something like that, unless……unless this “geological study” is merely a ruse and a cover for a nuclear proliferation pact or the creation of a super-secret multi-national intelligence agency to undermine your enemies. In that case, well done. There are other bilateral projects underway for the League of Fascism and to be fair, Chavez did hint at the dream of building a "nuclear village" with Iranian help in his country, but I need something more concrete. Chavez also showed that he knows how to lie and engage in top-notch political double-talk, falling in line with Ahamdinejad’s continued assertions that Iran's nuclear ambitions are for peaceful purposes. "There is not a single proof that Iran is building ... a nuclear bomb," Chavez said. Semantics, my man, semantics. Yes, there may be no concrete proof that Iran is building a nuclear bomb, but that’s how these things work. If you’re building one, you make damn sure that no one can prove what you’re up to. Still, that’s not going to ruin my enthusiasm for the League of Fascism and there’s nothing that can……….

- Gas is expensive these days. Finding the money to fill your tank is a tough proposition for a lot of people and quite frankly, people are having to make major sacrifices merely to have enough gas in their tank to get where they need to go. With that as the backdrop, let’s see if we can’t take a slightly different perspective on the story I’m about to share than most people will. Journey with me to New Market, Maryland and meet my friend James T. Hart. Yes, it’s a bad sign that we know his middle initial, but let’s not rush to judgment, k? Hart was riding his motorcycle through Frederick County when he noticed that the needle on his gas tank was perilously close to “E.” So he pulled into the Classic Fuels Store on Old National Pike at about 3 p.m. and pumped his gas, just like you or I would. The problem came when Hart went to pay for his gas, because that’s when he ran into a couple of close-minded squares who balked at his offer to pay for his fuel purchase with none other than the hippie lettuce. In a move that absolutely baffles me, the store clerks balked at the offer and instead called the cops. Why? Either you accept that offer and smoke the pot yourself or you take it and then turn around and sell it to one of those loser stoners who are always lurking and loitering outside of every single gas station I’ve ever seen. One way or another, accepting that chronic in lieu of cash is going to be a good deal for you. You can a) get high and mellow out or b) you flip it and end up making more than enough money to cover the cost of the gas and have some left over for yourself. But no, these two idiots had to go all law-abiding citizen and call The Man. Subsequently, Hart and his motorcycle were searched, and police say they found suspected cocaine, Oxycodone pills and more pot. He’s been charged with possession of cocaine, marijuana and drug paraphernalia. What saddens me immensely is how easily this could have been avoided and ended up as a win-win for everyone involved, but sadly it didn’t go that way……….


- What is this, the National Football League or a white elephant gift exchange at your family Christmas party? Quarterback Kevin O’Connell was drafted by the New England Patriots in 2008 and for whatever reason, he never really caught on with the team. When Tom Brady was injured last season, it was Matt Cassel who stepped up and became a star in his place while O’Connell lingered quietly in the background. This summer, O’Connell managed to complete his fall from favor in the eyes of Bill Belichick and Co., finding himself cut last Monday. With several days before the final cutdown to 53 for NFL rosters, O’Connell had time to catch on with a new team and as always, there was a franchise will to take a chance on a young, talented quarterback even if he had proven nothing at all in the NFL. That team was the Detroit Lions, who claimed O’Connell off of waivers. They brought him in, threw him into the mix and made him feel like a part of the team…..for all of six days. That’s how long it took for the Lions to pick O’Connell up, bring him in and turn him right back around, trading him to the New York Jets Sunday for an undisclosed draft pick. Seriously, what the heck? Why did you even bother to bring the guy in? He practiced with you for a few days but when the Lions played their final exhibition game against Buffalo last Thursday night, O’Connell played only two series and didn’t throw a pass. I guess that was all the Lions needed to see, because three days later they flipped him for a draft pick. The deal gives the Jets four quarterbacks on the roster with rookie starter Mark Sanchez, veteran Kellen Clemens and Erik Ainge. And while I have no idea what the Lions were doing picking up and then trading O’Connell, I understand the Jets trading for him. They were known to have an interest in him, having also put in a waiver claim for him last week. Who knows, maybe the Lions picked O’Connell up with the intent of trying to squeeze a draft pick from another team interested in trading for him. Or maybe they picked him up with no such plans and the trade was merely a happy coincidence. Either way, I’ll be interested to see if this is O’Connell’s final stop for this season or if a few more teams want to pass him around like an ugly Christmas sweater at a gift exchange……..


- Labor Day weekend has a theme for 2009 and that theme is: death in the form of a horribly clichéd, trite and gimmicky horror movie that’s the umpteenth installment of a franchise that was tired and played out before it began. Yes, The Final Destination is the box office champion for the weekend, scoring an estimated $12.4 million in a low-scoring race at the movies. The 3-D flick beat out Sandra Bullock-Bradley Cooper comedy (just imagine any Sandra Bullock movie you’ve ever seen, recycled with the same sappy, cheesy romantic comedy trappings and with a different cast) All About Steve, which made $11.2 million. It was the second such movie Bullock has released this summer after The Proposal came out the first weekend in June and made $33.6 million. Coming in third for the weekend was Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds ($10.8 million), beating out Gerard Butler’s Gamer (No. 4, $9 million), and holdover District 9 (No. 5, $7 million). It was not a good weekend for Mike Judge’s Extract which barely dinged the top 10 at No. 10 with a take of $4.2 million. The rest of the top 10 included: 6. Halloween II — $5.6 million,
7. Julie & Julia — $5.2 million,
8. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra — $5.1 million and 9. The Time Traveler’s Wife. There are a couple of decent movies in there, I think, but it does sadden me that Ang Lee’s Taking Woodstock dropped out of that top 10 because I maintain that it’s a much better movie than people are giving it credit for and that Dmitri Martin’s performance is actually pretty good in the film. Go see it if you get a chance, more so than any of the crap in the actual top 10………


- Say hello to the Tuk Tuk, America. If you’re asking, “The What What?,” know that you’re not alone. While The three-wheeled vehicles known as Tuk Tuks are popular overseas, they are a complete unknown to most Americans. They would likely remain that way for a long time if not for a Chattanooga, Tenn. couple who are looking to bring the Tuk Tuk to the American masses. Bill Schultz and his wife are now the proud owners of the only authorized U.S. dealership for the Tuk Tuk. Tuk Tuk USA will offer consumers the chance to spend $10,000 to $15,000 on a bizarre vehicle they know nothing about. “It's just so different. It's so unique nobody's ever seen anything like it over here unless they've seen one on television,” Schultz explains. “I'd worked here during 1971 for 4 years when this was a Chevrolet dealership. And I worked here again in the 80s when it was a Porche/Audi dealership.” Schultz’s business partner Roy Jordan explains that at present, costumers can choose from 12 body styles and capacities ranging from three all the way to 15. Perhaps the best news is that the Tuk Tuk is EPA approved, so you can actually get a vehicle license for it. Also, the Tuk Tuk can run on propane and natural gas, which are both nice benefits. One concern that I’d have over them is that these toys on wheels can only go up to 63 miles per hour. Yes, zip right along at a brisk 63 mph while everyone else on the highway roars by you, laughing and pointing. In spite of their limited horsepower, some of the first Tuk Tuks to land in America have already been sold, although the shipment is currently being held up at the port. For some odd reason, Schultz and Jordan say that many of those looking to buy the novelty cars are trading in scooters to do so, which makes no sense because I’m pretty sure the scooters have more muscle under the hood. But if novelty products are your thing and you don’t need to get where you’re going quickly, then perhaps the Tuk Tuk is just the car for you………

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