The League of Fascism grows, Richard Seymour doesn't seem to want to be a Raider and "American Karaoke" gets an appropriately crappy new judge

- The League of Fascism is growing and my man Hugo Chavez is the one driving this engine. Fresh off strengthening diplomatic ties with the Iranian dictator/election stealer Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, H. Chavez hopped a jet to Russia and set about cementing a closer alliance with Russia on Thursday. All he had to do was recognize two pro-Russian rebel regions of Georgia as independent and that was enough to secure arms supplies and loans in return. Not many nations have been willing to recognize Abkhazia and South Ossetia and that’s been a definite issue for Russia, which has tried for over a year to persuade its allies to follow its lead and treat the two small regions as sovereign. The only country to hop aboard that crazy train prior to Venezuela was Nicaragua, not exactly a power player on the international scene. "Venezuela from today is joining in the recognition of the independence of South Ossetia and Abkhazia," Chavez told President Dmitry Medvedev through a translator at the Russian leader's residence outside Moscow. That ass-kissing was accompanied by a promise that the Venezuelan government would start the process of establishing diplomatic relations with them soon. But I’m sure it found its mark given the fact that the rest of the world views South Ossetia and Abkhaia as part of Georgia even though they rebelled against it in the early 1990s and have run their own affairs since. That has created major problems in relations between the West and Russia, but clearly not with Venezuela. No, brown-nosing was enough to earn a warm reception from Russian dictator/President Dmitry Medvedev, who thanked Chavez for his support. and vowed that Russia would supply tanks and other weapons sought by Venezuela. "We will supply Venezuela the weapons that Venezuela asks for," Medvedev said after their talks. "Why not tanks? Without question, we have good tanks. If our friends want our tanks, we will deliver them." See how easy that was? Just promise to be Russia’s friend and you get tanks. The actual deal is for Venezuela to buy 100 tanks for $500 million, which is something of a Costco discount in the world of arms sales. If that weren’t enough, Russia and Venezuela also announced plans for a joint bank with capital of $4 billion to finance their projects (First Federal of Fascism? I heard the loan applications there are killer.) You might be asking yourself why Venezuela is loading up on tanks and the answer should be fairly obvious: that paranoid, delusional freak Chavez is convinced that “U.S. imperialism” is encroaching upon Latin America and he’s looking to defend himself. Now I’m not sure this makes up enough ground in the “Crazy Dictator Most Likely to Set Off WWIII” race to put Chavez in the same class as despots like Kim Jong Il of North Korea and Ahmadinejad, but it’s a nice start……….

- If I didn’t know better, I’d think that Richard Seymour doesn’t want to be an Oakland Raider. On Sunday, Seymour was traded from the best-run franchise in the National Football League, the New England Patriots, to the worst-run franchise in the league, the Raiders. The Patriots sent the defensive tackle to the Raiders in exchange for Oakland's first-round draft pick in 2011, but so far Seymour has not reported to Oakland. "I really have nothing to report on that," Raiders coach Tom Cable said. "Nothing has changed at this point." I assume he took a moment away from punching his assistant coaches in the face to make that statement, but Cable didn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. The deal was definitely done, as it appeared on the NFL's official transactions list and Seymour is on the Raiders' roster on their Web site. Cable even claims to have spoken with Seymour, who allegedly told him he wants to play in Oakland. That may or may not be true, but even if it is, the word is that Seymour wants the Raiders to promise not to place the franchise tag on him after the season. That would basically force any team looking to sign Seymour, set to be a free agent after the season, to compensate the Raiders with two future first-round draft picks. And why would the Raiders slap the franchise tag on a guy who clearly doesn’t want to play for them? Simple. Unless they a) franchise him or b) sign him to a contract extension (seems unlikely), then they have basically traded a first-round pick for a guy who will play one season for them - a season in which they have no hope at all to even make the playoffs - and then leave. For right now, none of that matters because Seymour remains AWOL and he’s not exactly speaking out about his plight. That leaves Cable and the Raiders to attempt to put a brave face on things and paint the sunniest possible picture in the midst of yet another colossal f**k up by the organization. I don't want to comment about anything of that until we have something that's done and concrete," Cable said when pressed on the issue. What’s hilarious about this is that the Raiders really aren’t saying much, the Patriots refuse to discuss the issue because Seymour isn't a member of their team anymore and the NFL is declining comment as well. So no one wants to talk about it and Seymour is in hiding somewhere, but then again, no one really needs to say another word for us to know that this is the latest black eye for an Oakland franchise that has led the NFL in them - and only them - for a long time now……….

- May I be so brazen as to ask what’s wrong with a judge offering to help a defendant in exchange for sex? Judge Donald Jackson, appointed to preside over County Criminal Court No. 3 in Houston in August 1992, has been suspended by the state a Harris County allegedly offering that sort of exchange to a defendant appearing in his courtroom. The indictment accuses Jackson of offering a young female drunken-driving defendant a chance to get her case dismissed if she was willing to enter into "a relationship with him that was more than a one-night stand." In other words, dude wasn’t just that creepy guy in a position of authority looking to coax one sexual encounter from a woman he held power over, he was looking for repeat business if you catch my drift. Somehow, I don’t know for sure, but the defendant and her attorney were able to gather enough evidence to have charges brought against Jackson and now he has been indicted on a misdemeanor charge of official oppression. Additionally, the State Commission on Judicial Conduct suspended Jackson with pay on Tuesday. While he’s out, a special judge will try to extort defendants for sex, er, was appointed to oversee Jackson's docket, which includes cases dealing with serious misdemeanor charges including driving while intoxicated, domestic violence, illegal possession of drugs, criminal pollution and theft. If convicted, Jackson could be sentenced to up to a year in jail and a fine of up to $4,000. Call me overzealous, but it just seems like someone in a position of authority who (allegedly) does something as reprehensible as Jackson is alleged to have done should face a stiffer penalty……….

- It has to be tough being Microsoft right about now. In the computer world, you’re getting your ass kicked because you’re selling a subpar, third-rate operating system that you keep releasing newer versions of in the false hope that your product will cease to suck. In the smartphone market, the iPhone is getting a lot of buzz and your own smartphone and operating system are afterthoughts. As its latest futile punch in this battle, Microsoft is preparing for the worldwide release of the first phones running Windows Mobile 6.5 on October 6. The launch will include phones running on AT&T, Sprint, and Verizon Wireless, with that variety of carriers being the one possible edge Microsoft has on the iPhone. There will also be a new branding twist for this crop of phones, which will be the first that Microsoft will sell under the "Windows Phone" brand. For some odd reason, Microsoft believes that this name-association with its crap-tacular OS is a good thing, but that just goes to show how insane/stupid they are. “We know people want a phone for their whole life," said Stephanie Ferguson, general manager in the Windows Mobile unit. "They just frankly want to do more. That's why we've shifted.” Great, but they also want an OS that doesn’t suck and I’m just not sure you can give that to them. The features for Windows Mobile 6.5 include improved Web browsing, conversation threaded e-mail and a (blatant rip-off of Apple’s app store) new Windows Marketplace app store. However, no one outside of Microsoft seems to believe that this new OS will do a damn thing to help Microsoft close the gap with its competitors: the iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, and Palm Pre. Oddly enough, at one time it was expected that Windows Mobile would be one of the key players in the smart phone market. "Microsoft probably didn't get the share of the enterprise space that we all would have expected three or four years ago," said Jeff Bradley, senior vice president of devices for AT&T. "I think Research In Motion did even a better than expected job of gaining that share." On October 6, Microsoft will hold a "consumer open house" event to help stage the launch of Windows Mobile 6.5, and on that day, one of the centerpieces of conversation will surely be the Windows Marketplace app store. It’s not that Microsoft hasn’t offered apps before; in fact, the company has long offered tens of thousands them, they’ve been nearly impossible to find and download. Now, you’ll be able to find and download all of the sh**ty applications for your fourth-rate phone in one place? Awesome. Among the apps expected to be available are Netflix, Facebook, and a variety of games. Oh, and in the true Microsoft way, an upgrade to the subpar upgrade is on the way. The next operating system upgrade, Windows Mobile 7, was originally expected early this year but now isn't expected until some time next year. Thanks for showing that there are still some things in this world we can count on, Microsoft, even if it is your ineptitude………

- When American Karaoke welcomed hack pop tarts Victoria Beckham and Katy Perry as guest judges for its upcoming season, I said that there had never been a more appropriate marriage of un-talented losers and a terrible, unwatchable TV show. And at the time, those words were true and accurate. However, I must now admit that Fox and the producers of AK have topped themselves and exceeded even my own colossal expectations of their lame-osity by adding Elliot Degenerate, a.k.a. Ellen DeGeneres, as the show’s new judge. "I am going to be the new judge on American Idol," announced on her ridiculously bad daytime talk show. Apparently Degenerate is expected to bring a softer tone to the show to balance out Kara DioGuardi, who I’m told is another of the judges but don’t care enough to confirm that fact. I’ve never heard of Kara DioGuardi and based on the fact that she is apparently a member of AK, I know only one thing about her: she absolutely sucks. “Hopefully I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you. I sit at home and I watch it and I don't have that technical... I'm not looking at it in a critical way from the producer's mind," DeGeneres said.
To prepare for judging a ridiculous, horrendously bad karaoke contest, Degenerate warmed up as a guest judge on an episode of an equally crappy Fox reality show, So You Think You Can Dance, this summer. She made sure to point out that joining the AK crew won't cause her to drop her talk show, because God knows what a loss that would be for all of us……….