Thursday, December 24, 2009

Celebrating Festivus, loving Brett Favre's misery and more Aerosmith drama

- Come one, come all. It’s time to celebrate our nation’s best holiday, one that unites people of all faiths, religions, ethnicities and socioeconomic statuses. Yes, I’m speaking of Festivus. For those who don’t know, Festivus began as a fictional holiday creating on the hit sitcom Seinfeld by Frank Costanza, father of George Costanza (Jason Alexander). Frank Costanza was inspired to create Festivus after brawling with another parent for the last doll on the shelf at a toy store, a Christmas gift for his son George The concept is simple: the only decoration is an aluminum pole, unadorned. “No tinsel. I find tinsel distracting,” Frank explained. The day was marked by a Festivus dinner in which a person gathered their family and those they loved around the table….and held the Airing of Grievances, which consisted of telling those you had gathered all the ways they had disappointed you over the past year. “I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE,” Frank bellowed at his assembled Festivus guests. Following the Airing of Grievances, it was time for the Feats of Strength, which culminated in one person having to wrestle and pin the head of household. Yes, it’s quite a holiday, especially since it sprung from the mind of a Seinfeld writer and only became known to the world in a 1997 episode of the famed sitcom. Now, people around the world celebrate what began as a fake holiday and December 23 (yesterday) was the day for it. There is even a book titled, "Festivus: The Holiday for the Rest of Us." What is great about Festivus is that no one is excluded for any reason – all are welcome. There are Festivus gatherings in dive bars, campus squares and corporate boardrooms. Some ardent supporters have petitioned to raise Festivus poles beside public nativity scenes. There are the requisite Facebook groups and Web sites -- like festivusbook.com and festivusweb.com – serving as go-to places for those who want to share the cheer. At many parties, people engage in their own Airing of Grievances about anything chafing their hide in life and often trade lame gifts from other occasions that they don’t want. There is even a stairway railing company in Wisconsin called Wagner that is getting in on the Festivus craze by thought cutting up pipes to make aluminum holiday poles. Tony Leto, who heads sales and marketing, says he's received orders from troops in Afghanistan and people living in Australia. In 2005, Wagner sent Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle a Festivus pole and he put it up in the executive residence. Today it appears in the state's historical museum. Hopefully you didn’t miss your chance to celebrate Festivus this year and if you did, now is a great time to start planning for next year…………

- As an avowed Brett Favre hater, I am watching the scene currently unfolding within the Minnesota Vikings organization with unbridled glee. Seeing the tension between Favre and coach Brad Childress is, to put it mildly, awesome. From what we’re now hearing, the scene Sunday night when Childress attempted to pull Favre from what ended up as a 26-7 loss to the Carolina Panthers because The Ol’ Gunslinger was getting pummeled and the offense was stagnating, was merely the culmination of a situation that had been escalating for a while. Apparently there was building tension because of a disagreement over how much influence each should expect to have in running the offense during games. Childress is known for keeping a tight rein on audibles during games, while Favre is notorious for pulling plays out of his ass, occasionally with disastrous results. He seems to feel that even though he bypassed all of training camp because he was too lazy, er, was deciding whether to stay retired or make his 75th comeback from retirement, he knows the team’s offensive system well enough to make changes at the line of scrimmage any time he feels like it. So with that undercurrent swirling, Childress broached the subject of pulling T.O.G.S. (The Ol’ Gunslinger) from the game even though the Vikings were leading just 7-6. That didn’t go over well and the two had a heated argument on the sideline, with NBC’s cameras catching all of it. It is reportedly not the first time Childress has debated pulling Favre from a game, but it’s clearly the first time he’s spoken directly to Favre about it during a game. Perhaps he should reconsider that approach, as this attempt ended with Childress being emasculated and embarrassed when Favre, supposedly under his authority as coach, plainly told his coach that he would not be coming out of the game and would continue playing. Well said, T.O.G.S. Because while the coach is in charge of most teams, clearly Favre is running this show and Childress looks like a chump in the process. Of course, he’s looked that way since he drove his own SUV to the airport to pick up Favre after T.O.G.S. signed with the Vikings this summer and basically declared himself to be a sycophant for Favre for as long as he plays in Minnesota. In the aftermath of their argument on the sidelines, both Favre and Childress have done the supremely predictable by making repeated public professions that their argument is settled and that, in truly clichéd fashion, that it was blown out of proportion. Childress said they had a "good talk" on Monday and Wednesday about their disagreement. "He and I talked, as we have all year," Favre said, adding that given the team's recent slump, "the frustration is gonna show. It's gotten blown way out of proportion.” Whatever you say, T.O.G.S. We all know you’re lying and that you and your coach are still pissed at one another. However, I’m probably enjoying this more than anyone else because Favre is still the most self-centered, egotistical a-hole in professional football and perhaps incidents like this will shed some light on his true character for the legions of fans who following him so blindly and mindlessly no matter what kind of crap he pulls……….


- This holiday season, you should be sending out a big thank you to a certain Democratic representative from California: Rep. Anna Eshoo. Along with her House colleagues, Ms. Eshoo (bless you) decided to tackle the menace this is the ever-escalating volume of television commercials. You may have noticed that when you watch your favorite shows, the volume invariably ratchets up several notches once commercials start. I don’t notice it so much because I mute the volume, change the channel or leave the room to do something else when the commercials come on. But for those who do watch commercials, the volume is a problem. For those people, the House is working on putting the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act, or CALM, into place. The measure mandates that TV commercials be no louder than the programs in which they appear. In one of their rare smart moves and moments of cooperation, representatives unanimously passed the bill last month and sent it to the Senate for consideration. As passed by the House, the measure directs the Federal Communications Commission to develop regulations preventing ads from being "excessively noisy or strident" or "having modulation levels substantially higher than the accompanying program." Additionally, the bill addresses "average maximum loudness." According to representatives who have spoken about the bill, the issue of volume in commercials is a frequent complaint. Eshoo said she's been besieged with mail (from old people), e-mail and phone calls from people who have thanked her for the bill. If passed by the Senate, advertisers and production houses would have one year to adopt technology that modulates and sets sound levels and apply it to TV commercials. The FCC will be responsible for monitoring the status of this process and ensuring that advertisers don’t just comply for a few months and then attempt to go back to their old way of doing business……….


- And the Aerosmith saga continues. Just a month or so ago, Joe Perry was making posts on his Twitter feed about the band looking for a new lead singer because he and lead singer Steven Tyler were having another b*tch fight and couldn’t work together anymore…..again. Tyler had fallen off a stage during a concert in August, breaking his shoulder. All in all, Aerosmith was nearly as big a mess as it was during the band’s heavy drug-using days in the ‘70s. That’s a fitting analogy because this week it was revealed that Tyler has entered a rehab facility for pain management and an addiction to prescription painkillers resulting from 10 years of performance injuries. "With the help of my family and team of medical professionals, I am taking responsibility for the management of my pain and am eager to be back on the stage and in the recording studio with my bandmates Joe Perry, Joey Kramer, Tom Hamilton and Brad Whitford," Tyler said in a statement."I love Aerosmith; I love performing as the lead singer in Aerosmith. I am grateful for all of the support and love I am receiving and am committed to getting things taken care of." The trip to rehab comes on the heels of several orthopedic injuries Tyler has suffered over the past decade. The injuries that have left him with "severe chronic pain" and will require additional surgeries on his knees and feet, said his physician, Dr. Brian McKeon, Assistant Clinical Professor of Orthopedics at Tufts School of Medicine. "Managing and controlling his pain has been challenging, and despite our use of alternative therapies and the creation of custom shoes built by a team of engineers from Timberland, Steven's pain has progressed," said McKeon. "The balance between managing his pain and avoiding addiction is tenuous and difficult and his bravery in persevering through rigorous touring is admirable. As with many athletes, Steven put his performance first as he struggled with acute pain for years." Well, that and he was a raging drug addict for a few of those years and I’m guessing that hasn’t helped his body at all. But at least this time he was hooked on painkillers and not the devils that are cocaine and heroin. As you might expect with a bandmate heading to rehab, the other members of Aerosmith are saying the right things about supporting Tyler and wanting him to get better. "I think that he needs help and that attention needs to be put to his health," drummer Joey Kramer said. I’d echo those wishes and hopefully we’ll see Steven Tyler back on the stage some time in the future………


- Wow. Just wow. That’s my first (and final) reaction to news that quarterback Michael Vick has won the Ed Block Courage Award, voted on by his teammates on the Philadelphia Eagles. Each team in the NFL awards one of its own with this honor, so Vick is one of 32 recipients this year. The Ed Block Award honors players who exemplify commitment to the principles of sportsmanship and courage. For Vick, it’s a special honor because he’s coming back to the league after spending 18 months in a federal prison for his role in a dogfighting ring. For his detractors, the award is an example of how the NFL and its players are just as clueless as ever. The animal rights group, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, issued a statement blasting the Eagles for giving Vick the award. "The Philadelphia Eagles fumbled when they gave Michael Vick the Ed Block Courage Award, which was named after a man who advocated in behalf of abused children," the PETA statement read. "Michael Vick should not be the person anyone points to as a model of sportsmanship, even though he has now exchanged dogs for touchdowns after serving time for extreme cruelty to animals. We wish him well in educating others, but this is not appropriate and does not mark a joyous moment in NFL history." Thanks for the perspective, PETA freaks. Now allow me to finish the last bite of my nice, juicy steak, set aside my chicken fingers, take off my leather coat, put on my alligator-skin shoes, get up off of my plush, leather couch and sit down on my bear-skin rug and reply. Honestly, I don’t have a huge beef with winning the award. If his teammates, who are with him every day, think he deserves the award, then fine. However, I do have a serious beef with Vick’s perspective in receiving the award. While recipients from other teams have done loads of charity work or, in the case of Jacksonville Jaguars recipient Richard Collier, been confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life as the victim of a drive-by shooting, Vick has gone through nothing that he did not bring upon himself. His woes are of his own making, yet dude seems to view himself as some sort of hero for spending a year and a half in prison then coming back to a $1.6 million job in the NFL. "It means a great deal to me," Vick said Wednesday. "I was voted unanimously by my teammates. They know what I've been through. I've been through a lot. I've overcome a lot, more than probably one single individual can handle or bear," Vick said. "You ask certain people to walk through my shoes, they probably couldn't do. Probably 95 percent of the people in this world because nobody had to endure what I've been through.” What you’ve been through is your own fault, you jerk. It’s good to see someone go to prison, have the light go on and realize that they need to change their life, but that doesn’t make you a hero. Quit lionizing yourself, quit trying to act like you have been any sort of victim and accept this award with humility. Continue spending time working with the Humane Society of the United States, speaking to school and community groups about the mistakes you’ve made and stay away from microphones and TV cameras until you add a few IQ points and a heavy dose of perspective……….

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