- So what is the penalty for arranging an incestuous marriage involving a 14-year-old minor who weds her 19-year-old cousin? As it turns out, the penalty is five years in jail, in case you’ve been wondering. And where else would this story come but from the fine state of Utah, where bigamy is still big with me (ok, it’s not a great joke, but I’m running short on bigamy jokes these days).Warren Jeffs, 51, a polygamous-sect leader who is the head of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (or F.C.J.C.L.D.S. for short), has been sentenced to five years behind bars by a judge in St. George, Utah this week. Jeffs was convicted on two counts of rape as an accomplice after marrying a 14-year-old girl to her 19-year-old cousin, after which the kissin’ cousins presumably consummated the marriage. Jeffs’ church isn’t connected to the mainstream Mormon church, which formally renounced polygamy more than a century ago. All in all, just a creepy story and one that you’d expect to come from Appalachia, all things considered. But let it be a rule of life that marrying your cousin is a bad idea, and unless you’re Jerry Lee Lewis, marrying a girl in the 13-14 age range is also a bad idea.
- If I told you there was a ceremony at this White House this week involving the pardoning of a turkey, how many of you would have guessed that W. and several members of his administration were involved? All of you? Just as I thought. Well, it was not actually one of W.’s moronic administration henchmen receiving the pardon, but rather the continuation of one of those uber-lame holiday traditions, the pardoning of two turkeys by our nation’s biggest turkey. It ranks right up there with the oh, so predictable reports from the airport on the local news the night before a holiday about how the airport is just packed and traveling is going to be difficult. In this particular lame tradition, the president gives “pardons” to two turkeys who would theoretically otherwise be killed and end up on someone’s holiday table. Instead, the two birds, named “May” and “Flower” (ah, turkey nomenclature humor, hilarious) were given “pardons” by W. and will headed to Walt Disney World in Orlando, Fla., to be honorary grand marshals of the parade there. When asked to comment on their pardons….the turkeys said nothing. They’re turkeys, people, what did you expect. The bigger turkey, W., headed off to Camp David to spend his Thanksgiving trying to figure out why they call a football a pigskin if it’s made from the hide of a cow. It will be the fifteenth straight Thanksgiving he’s contemplated the exact same question.
- Butch Davis has never been able to regain the glory days he had as head coach at the University of Miami in the late ‘90s. He completely bombed out in the NFL as the coach/curmudgeon of the Cleveland Browns, ultimately getting chased out of the league and running with his tail between his legs back to college football. He landed at the University of North Carolina, where he has proceeded to…well, not accomplish much of anything. This year, with Davis in his first season as coach, the Tar Heels have absolutely surged….to a 3-8 record, 2-5 in conference and good for fifth out of six teams in the ACC’s Coastal Division. For that, most coaches would be on the hot seat, possibly fired but definitely under intense pressure to turn things around. Not Butch Davis, though – he’s just received a contract extension for his underwhelming performance. A one-year extension takes Davis’ current deal through 2014, and the extension also includes a $291,000-per-year raise. Yes, this guy finishes second to last in his division, wins three (possibly four, with one game left to play) games and he gets an extension and a raise. I believe North Carolina is following the Enron business plan here, so good work fellas. With a knob like Butch Davis as your head coach, you should be able to continue rewarding him for subpar coaching for years to come.
- I personally wouldn’t take the time to listen to a CD prominently featuring Josh Groban and Billy Joel, but I still salute both performers for agreeing to collaborate with Five for Fighting front man John Ondrasik on a special 13-song album exclusively for American military personnel worldwide. The three artists have come together and produced the unimaginatively titled CD For the Troops (gosh, I wonder who it’s for) and 200,000 hard copies of the album will be distributed to U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. For those soldiers looking to pad their iPod play lists, the songs are also available for download on the Army & Air Force Service Exchange website. You theoretically need a military ID to download the music, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s going to take all of five seconds for a non-military individual to get their hands on the tunes. In other words, the songs will end up being for everyone, regardless of the original intent. Still, it’s great to see musicians using their talents to do something good for our troops. That’s true whether you oppose the war in Iraq and think it’s the most moronic, indefensible atrocity in the history of war (count me in there) or not.
- How much is an Oscar worth? Well, according to a lawsuit filed by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, $10. That’s how much the academy says it should be allowed to purchase two Oscars given to the late actress Mary Pickford rather than allow the trophies to go to a public sale. A judge has agreed with the academy at least partially, ruling that the lawsuit over Pickford’s two Oscars as well as one belonging to her former husband Buddy Rogers, should go to trial. On the other side is Kim Boyer, niece of Rogers’ second wife and one of three heirs in possession of the Oscars. Boyer says that she only wants to sell one of the Oscars and because it’s the one Pickford won in 1930 for Coquette, it’s not subject to academy bylaws that require a seller to give the academy a chance to buy the statues for $10 each before they go on the market. The bylaws only date back to 1950, so Boyer would seem to have an argument. But if not, these Oscars will join a long list of trophies and awards to be hocked for a buck, right up there with the national championship ring of former Nebraska running back Lawrence Phillips and the American League championship ring of disgraced slugger, author and VH1 Surreal Life star Jose Canseco.
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