- I’m having a hard time digesting and writing this next one, so bear with me. Guys everywhere winced and doubled over in pain a few years ago when Lorena Bobbitt chopped off her husband’s crank with a knife. The pathetic nature of their lives since then notwithstanding, they’ve been one of the symbols of dysfunctional relationships and relationship violence ever since, but now they have company and this is a painful story. A Seattle woman bit off her ex-boyfriend’s lower lip as they were kissing in bed, then spat it out onto the floor, leaving him permanently disfigured when doctors were unable to reattach the lip, which was found on the floor by police, covered in cat hair. The attack reportedly came without provocation, although if you ask me, any ex-girlfriend has plenty of provocation to strike back at her ex, given that no relationship ends on entirely friendly and non-disagreeable terms. This guy, whose name was not released, should have known better than to hook up with his crazy ex-girlfriend, because clearly she was looking to exact some revenge and that’s exactly what she did.
- Forget your friends, Lance Armstrong, if you can pull chicks like Ashley Olsen, go for it. Your friends may not want you to date her because you’re 36 and she’s 21, but some of them are probably just jealous of you and the rest just don’t know what they’re talking about. George Clooney and Jack Nicholson have been dating women around the same age as Olsen for years and they’re a decade or more older than you. You’re a world-class athlete, you have a great foundation that does a great deal of work on behalf of cancer patients and research, so you have more than enough good will and cred in the bank to date a younger woman and not worry about how it’s perceived. Armstrong is said to be hesitant about going for it with Olsen even though he likes her because of his friends’ concerns, but I say screw ‘em, take a chance Lance. She’s actually a lot richer than you are and more famous, so you can actually enjoy being the lesser-known half of a celebrity couple for once. Besides, if I remember right, Ashley is the non-anorexic Olsen twin, so that’s a few more bonus points right there. Do what you feel like doing, Lance, be your own man.
- Be careful, Venezuelan university leaders, you could be next. After students from universities across the country joined together for protests against constitutional reforms proposed be dictator/president Hugo Chavez and the country’s military opened fire on some of those students as they departed from their rallies, university presidents are accusing the government of provoking violence among demonstrators to justify military occupations of those campuses where the protests are taking place. The accusations come after soldiers fired on a group returning from an 80,000-person peaceful protest of Chavez’s communist tactics, er, constitutional reforms, injuring eight in the process. I’d be careful about tossing around those kinds of accusations, though, and not because I have doubts as to whether they’re true. I’m pretty sure they are true in some form, I just believe that a despotic madman like Chavez, bent on total control and absolute power for the rest of his life, isn’t afraid to strike out at and attempt to crush anyone who dares to oppose him or paint his administration in a negative light. Something tells me that if these university leaders don’t change their story soon or stop proclaiming these accusations, they’re going to end up fired and with a one way ticket out of the country or to a firing squad appointment.
- Damn. Just when college football’s season was starting to make sense, things go to hell again in a single. day. The country’s top-ranked team, Ohio State, lost at home in a stunner to unranked Illinois thanks largely to an absolutely idiotic decision by their coaches and the erratic play of quarterback Todd Boeckman. Boeckman’s problems are easy to explain; his three interceptions resulted from inaccurate passing and poor decision-making. What’s not so easy to explain is why coach Jim Tressel failed to challenge a play on Illinois’ first drive that would have stopped the drive and given OSU the ball. Illinois running back Daniel Dufrene broke loose on a long run and was headed down the right sideline when defenders approached and he dove for the end zone. The ball came loose and it went into the end zone, where an OSU player recovered. Officials, however, ruled Dufrene down and thus no fumble, allowing Illinois to keep the ball. Replays clearly showed, and I can’t emphasize clearly enough, that it was a fumble, yet no one on the Ohio State staff was smart enough to alert Tressel to challenge the call. Illinois scored a touchdown on the next play and went on to win 28-21. The loss puts a death blow to OSU’s national title hopes, opening the door for the one loss triad of LSU, Oklahoma and Oregon and also for unbeaten Kansas. LSU romped in an easy win, 58-10 over overmatched in-state rival Louisiana Tech. That game doesn’t merit any analysis, and honestly, it shouldn’t even be on LSU’s schedule. Oklahoma had nearly as easy a game, downing perennial Big 12 doormat Baylor 52-21 behind X touchdowns from standout freshman DeMarco Murray. Oregon was off this week, but the loss by Ohio State did more for them than most any win could. Kansas, meanwhile, continues its great play and continues to get a lack of respect from so-called experts in spite of it. The Jayhawks defeated Oklahoma State 43-28 at Stillwater, giving KU it’s best road win of the season. That won't be enough to vault them past LSU, Oklahoma and Oregon in the polls, but if Kansas can defeat Iowa State, Missouri (currently #5 in the polls) and Oklahoma (their likely opponent in the Big 12 title game if they defeat Mizzou), there is absolutely no reason for them not to play in the national title game. Outside of Top 25 action, the day’s most exciting game involved two teams most people know little or nothing about, Navy and North Texas. The Midshipmen won the game at North Texas by a 74-62 margin, with only the lamentable classiness of Navy preventing them from breaking 80 points. The fact that Navy scored 74 points is amazing, but that they stopped inside North Texas’ 10-yard-line with a minute left when they could have easily scored again is disappointing, damn the classiness and respect of those service academy teams. Their scoring binge is even more impressive when you consider they did it only throwing six passes the entire game. North Texas had its own gaudy stats, with quarterback Giovanni Vizza throwing for eight touchdowns. In the Big Ten, Northwestern continued its comeback season, becoming eligible for a bowl game with its sixth win, a 31-28 triumph over of the comeback variety over Indiana. Also in the Big Ten, Michigan did its part in taking next week’s uber-rivalry game with Ohio State down a notch by getting whupped at Wisconsin, 37-20. The OSU-UM tilt next week will still be for the conference title, but it’s lost a little luster after this weekend. Also losing luster faster than Charles Barkley loses money on a trip to Vegas is Boston College, which followed in the footsteps of Cal and South Florida by losing multiple games after reaching the second spot in the BCS rankings. BC lost to under-.500 Maryland, 42-35, its second straight loss since achieving No. 2 BCS status. The Eagles’ predecessors in this trend, the Cal Bears and South Florida Bulls, weren’t able to win this weekend either. In South Florida’s case, it was due to a bye week, but for Cal, it was a fourth straight loss, 24-17 to USC in a game that ended up being a lot less meaningful than I promised to be a couple of months ago. With only two games left in the season at most for teams, one game left for many, the title picture is no more clear now than it has been at any point this season and likely won't settle for sure until the first weekend of December, when the Big 12 and SEC have their conference title games. For now, brace yourself for rivalry week, coming up this week. My favorite rivalry game? Not Ohio State-Michigan, not Florida-Florida State, not USC-UCLA, but rather Harvard-Yale, the battle of the smart WASP kids from New England. Smart money’s on the Bulldogs this year; they’re unbeaten. But don’t count Harvard out, the Crimson always come to play against their rivals.
- Wanna own a roller coaster but not sure of the best place to buy one? I have just the solution for your dilemma. The Geauga Lake amusement park, a staple on the Northeast Ohio landscape for years, ceased operations recently because of a lack of profitability, so Martin & Vieminckx Rides, the owner of several of the park’s roller coasters, is putting the rides up for sale and for the right price, one or all of them could be yours. The Big Dipper, the Raging Wolf Bobs and the Villain are all for sale and will be marketed at next week’s International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions trade show in Orlando, Fla. Cedar Fair Entertainment, which owns the Geauga Lake property as well as world-famous Cedar Point in nearby Sandusky, wants to clear all the rides off of the Geauga Lake property so it can make the land available for selling and developing. Chuck Bingham, a vice president for Martin & Vieminckx, won’t disclose what the price range is for the coasters, although he did say it is out of the range of the average citizen, so you’re either going to have to be filthy rich or maybe pool some other investors together, maybe bring the Big Dipper to your neighborhood with a joint ownership venture. However you choose to secure your financing, don’t pass up the opportunity of a lifetime. You can own a piece of amusement-park history if you act now….
- Why doesn’t someone make it clear that dumping 17 tons of nuclear waste into a river isn’t allowed? I myself have never been clear on whether this is an acceptable practice or not, and clearly a government official in Congo, a small nation in central Africa, was a little hazy on this as well. This enterprising individual has been arrested after dumping 17 tons of radioactive material into a river in the southeast corner of his country, with the offending material coming from a Chinese uranium mining company. Now I don’t have any proof or evidence on this, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that financial considerations were involved in this, i.e. someone paid this official for disposing of the hazardous waste. If so, props for the entrepreneurial spirit, but negative points for being willing to heavily pollute your country’s environment for your own gain. That’s not what I call big picture thinking, unnamed Congo government official. Couldn’t you come up with a nice bribery or extortion scheme instead and spare the ecosystem? As always, hope it was worth it, whatever you got for this dirty deed, because you’re going to end up in jail on this one.
- I know what’s going to be at that top of the Christmas list of every date rapist this year, and it’s not going to be integrity, character or a brain transplant, all of which these losers actually need. No, it will be Chinese-made toy beads that caused illnesses for children in seven states across the country this past week because the beads are coated in the same chemical compound used in date-rape drugs. Yes, GHB, it’s not just for putting in unsuspecting girls’ drinks at the bar anymore. Now, you can coat children’s toys in it, at least if you’re a Chinese toy manufacturer. But who’s really surprised by this? After all, this is the same company that has given us scores of lead-paint-covered toys, toothpaste laced with a chemical mainly used in antifreeze and several other toxic products in recent months. Spin Master Aqua Dots are just the latest sickness-causing product from China, where clearly inflicting pain and human rights atrocities on your own isn’t enough, you need to take that pain to the rest of the world through toxic products. The beads are already under recall, but don’t be surprised if your friendly campus date rapist has already bought up as many of these things as he can get his hands on. Thanks, China, you’re always so helpful in matters like this….
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