- Eric Prince, I’ll be looking forward to your apology, because even obscenely rich founders of murderous, rogue private security companies have to apologize at some point when employees of their company wrongly kill 17 civilians in a foreign country. Well, to be fair, FBI investigators have only determined that 14 of the 17 Iraqi civilians shot and killed by Blackwater Worldwide personnel were murdered, but the other three confirmations should be rolling in any time now. The FBI report states that the 14 killings were unjustified and violated rules of deadly force, which I’m sure is surprising to Blackwater, because these guys (and gals) clearly didn’t feel like they were subject to any rules at all. The Justice Department is reportedly already reviewing the report even though the FBI is still officially investigating the shootings, which occurred on Sept. 16 in Baghdad. There has been absolutely no evidence found by investigators to support the claims of Blackwater employees that they were actually fired upon by Iraqi civilians first and that’s why they fired on those citizens, which should surprise exactly no one. You mean that people in the crosshairs of a murder investigation lied to cover their own a**es? Wow, what will you tell me next, that there really aren’t any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Oh, never mind on that………
- I’m extremely upset with an unnamed female passenger on an unnamed airline for her act on Monday that absolutely, unquestionably was out of line and deserves serious ramiprecussions. How can I be so upset at a woman I know so little about? Well how should I feel when someone treats Uncle Jesse himself, Mr. John Stamos, with such rudeness and callous disregard? First, this chick wakes Stamos up from his in-flight nap, then when he gets up to go to the restroom, she takes his seat and refuses to vacate it when he returns. Now I’ve been in many an airplane restroom, and when you’re done using one of those things, you just want to get out of there, get back to your seat and try to forget the disgusting experience you just had in the tiniest restroom you’ll ever use. You don’t need some crazy woman invoking squatter’s rights on your seat and requiring you to get airline personnel to retake it. On top of that, the psycho chick began “screaming and threatening Stamos” when he asked her to move, according to other passengers. Police and the FBI were waiting for this lunatic when the plane landed, but Stamos showed her compassion by electing not to press charges. I don’t blame him, though pressing charges might mean he would have to sit in the same room with this woman again and if I’m Stamos in this situation, I do everything in my power to ensure that I never see her again. Plus, she didn’t actually do any damage to his true pride and joy – his immaculate lettuce, which would have been a whole ‘nother story. It’s one thing to wrongfully take a person’s seat on an airplane; it’s quite another to mess with quite possibly the finest head of hair in the history of sitcom television. Glad you and your well-coiffed mane escaped unscathed, Uncle Jesse.
- Alex Rodriguez is still a whore for money, and don’t let his accepting a new contract that is less than the $30-35 million per season deal he was asking for convince you otherwise. After opting out of what was already the richest deal in MLB history during the deciding game of the World Series to grab maximum attention and so he could seek an even bigger pay day, A-Rod and agent Scott Bor-ass shopped around for a contract in the vicinity of $350 million, only to find that no one was biting. In response, Bor-ass alleged collusion among baseball owners to keep his client from getting the money he wanted, while A-Rod apparently has decided to go crawling back to the New York Yankees, the team he just opted out of a contract with. He won't be getting that $350 million contract, but that doesn’t mean he won't be getting a slight upgrade from the $25 million a year he was making. Reports have his proposed new contract in the $28-million-per range and clearly the Yankees are the only team both willing and stupid enough to pay A-Rod that much. It’s actually an amazing wuss-out by both sides, because the Yankees went on record as saying before the season ended that if A-Rod opted out, they would not negotiate with him for a new contract. Now, they’re reversing field, which I think is going to end up being a big mistake for them. They’re finally coming around to the realization that they can’t just sign the biggest stars and throw together a real-life rotisserie-league team if they want to win a World Series. They need good, young pitching and solid role players, nether of which are brought by the A-Fraud re-signing. Also, they’ve had him for four years and what have they won? A whole lot of nothing, that’s what. A-Rod is caving as well, giving in to the realization that he isn’t going to get as much as he wants and greedily grabbing at the bid closest to his asking price. Congrats on your (cash-driven) reunion, A-Fraud and New York Yankees, I’m sure you’ll both be very unhappy in the end.
- So it turns out that 2006 was a great year…..for STDs. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released their annual report for this past year and among the findings are that more than 1 million cases of chlamydia were reported in the United States last year, the most ever for a single STD in the U.S. Gonorrhea and syphilis were also on the rise, but they were unable to match the infecting power of chlamydia, which clearly should have been the No. 1 pick in your STD fantasy league draft last season. Yes, syphilis and gonorrhea are more flashy, high-profile STDs, but if you want the most production out of your fantasy STD lineup, chlamydia is definitely the best choice. In all seriousness, not a good development that three different sexually-transmitted diseases are being spread at such an alarming rate. I guess now I know why those freaking ads for various medicines to treat STDs are popping up on TV so frequently. Oh, and one last aside, what the heck was herpes up to last year that it was beaten out by not one, not two, but three different STDs? C’mon, herpes, you’re better than that…..
- With all due respect and sympathy to Kanye West on the unexpected passing of his mother Donda, I have to ask, is it really worth it for all of you superficial, plastic-surgery-having, nip-and-tuck individuals out there to pay thousands of dollars for your procedures and risk death just so your cheeks look fuller or you can have your tummy tucked? I know some of you are really unhappy with how you look, but would you rather risk dying at the hands of some hack surgeon or go through life looking slightly different than you’d like to look? Some flaws in your appearance, i.e. being fat or having bird legs that make you want calf implants, can actually be fixed without plastic surgery – assuming you’re not too lazy to exercise and watch what you eat. Other things like a funny-looking nose, a flat ass or chest or cheekbones you don’t like can’t be changed on your own, but are you going to tell me that having them altered is worth possibly dying, not to mention to loads of money you spend for these procedures. Hopefully from this tragedy, wherein Donda West died of complications from a tummy tuck and breast reduction, some individuals out there who are considering plastic surgery that they really don’t need will reconsider….
No comments:
Post a Comment