- It would be easy to feel sorry for Marion Jones right now….if she hadn’t made the rope, tied the noose and built the gallows that she and her career are about to swing from. She might be putting the final nail in that steroid-fueled coffin by pleading guilty to a charge of lying to federal investigators about her use of performance-enhancing drugs, but she started greasing the track for her freefall several years back when she threw out those ironclad, firm and specifically-worded denials about the fact that she had never, ever used steroids and was 100% clean. She could not have been more emphatic about asserting her innocence, yet here she is now in 2007, sending a letter to friends and family detailing how she went about building a legendary track and field career on the back of steroids. That letter expresses Jones’ disbelief that her coach Trevor Graham, a man who has been at the heart of the steroids problem in track and field of late, was mixing in ‘roids to her training regimen. She writes in the letter that she found it odd when Graham asked her not to tell anyone about what she was doing in the program, which should have been a red flag and either Jones saw it and chose to ignore it or she’s just so incredibly stupid that she didn’t put two and two together. But it’s hard to believe that she didn’t know something fishy was going on when she suddenly began to run like a thoroughbred and soar through the air in the long jump like freaking Bob Beamon and Carl Lewis rolled into one. It’s also hard to believe that she’s telling the truth about all of this now given the fact that she’s spent several years lying to everyone about this issue in the first place. The only thing that’s going to provide a modicum of relief for Jones at this point is the fact that she’s retired from active competition and out of the public eye in a sport, track and field, that’s so far on the periphery of sports in the U.S. that you need a GPS and binoculars to find it. Don’t let that fact make you think that you’re not a lying, cheating scumbag, though, Marion, because you are. Your entire career will now be thought of as a total fraud by anyone who takes the time to look at it and you deserve whatever punishment you receive.
- At this point, I think W. is just saying no to everything Congress sends his way just to be disagreeable and to give them another middle-fingered salute. He’s like a two-year-old going through their “no” phase, when every question, statement or request is greeted with the same negative reply from the tiny tot. Actually, since both W. and your average two-year-old are on the same level mentally, it’s not that much of a stretch….but I digress. W. has rejected a new children’s health care bill sent to him by Congress, a bill that would have expand federally funded children’s health care. The measure would offer health insurance from the government for children of families with up to three tiems the federal poverty level, approximately $62,000. Even fellow Republicans aren’t totally behind W. on this one, although their concerns are partially motivated by the fact that their leader taking a hard line against expanding children’s health care is akin to drop kicking puppies and beating up nuns and could cost them support in the 2008 elections. The Senate passed this bill with more than enough votes to override the veto, but the House fell a little short of the necessary two-thirds majority. W., showing he is anything but a friend of the common man, had this to say in response: “The policies of the government ought to be, help people find private insurance, not federal coverage. And that’s where the philosophical divide comes in.” First, props to whoever on W.’s speech writing team mixed in philosophical AND worked with him for the excruciatingly high number of hours it took for him to learn how to pronounce it correctly, even if he still has no idea what it means. Secondly, yes, it would be nice if everyone could find private insurance for their families, ass hat, but they can’t and that’s why there’s a problem. No amount of philosophizing and well-wishing are going to change the fact that many, many families can't get private insurance no matter how hard you try. Unless the government steps in and helps, the problem will persist and here you are, W., opposing a fairly logical solution. Had everyone followed my lead and moved to impeach you several months ago, this problem could have been averted, but it’s too late for that now.
- Here’s when you know that you are overly sensitive to terrorism: when a super spicy chili sauce causes road closings and evacuations in one of your city’s busiest districts, you might need to relax a bit. Such was the case in London’s Soho district Wednesday, when passers-by complained that a chemical smell coming from a Thai restaurant was burning their throats. These wusses put in enough calls to the police that a chemical response team from the London Fire Brigade was sent in, only to discover that it was simply one of the ingredients in the food that was causing the uproar. Hey Brits, I know that you all might be nervous about a terrorist attack, but have none of you ever eaten Thai food before? It’s one of the spiciest varieties of food around, spicy enough that if you’ve never eaten it before, doing so can cause serious problems. So maybe on of you Mensa’s should have put two and two together and thought, “Hmm, I’m right outside a Thai restaurant where they serve insanely spicy grub, maybe that weird smell that’s burning my throat has something to do with the food there.” Zero points on the intelligence scale for all of you and negative five points for being so soft that the mere smell of a spicy chili sauce is enough to send you running to the police. Boy, the terrorist have it easy with you, just mix up some cayenne peppers, horseradish and leftover Thai takeout and they could strike panic into the heart of all of London. The spicy sauces are coming! the spicy sauces are coming!
- This should help your case that you’re not the world biggest virgins and losers, Star Trek dorks. One of your own heroes, a man after whom you have tried to pattern much of your pathetic existence even though he’s a fictional character on one of the most loser-ish shows of all-time, has had the honor of having a giant ball of space rock named after him. Actor George Takei, best known as Hikaru Sulu in the Star Dork, er, Star Trek movies and TV shows, now has the asteroid 7307 Takei named after him, an honor bestowed on him by the International Astronomical Union’s Committee on Small Body Nomenclature. Ah, the I.A.U.C.S.B.N., who doesn’t long to be honored by them. I just want to know if these tools are the same ones that are offering to sell me “exclusive” naming rights to my very own star for $50. Even if they aren’t, why would I need your honor, I.A.U.C.S.B.N., when I can buy my very own star with no actual authority or weight given to the name that I’m getting ripped off to “buy”? But I’m sure that Star Trek losers worldwide are celebrating this one in full costume in their mom’s basement, their pale pasty skin accented ever so slightly by their wispy pube mustaches and their authentic Star Trek uniforms decorated just like their heroes, Takei and Capt. Picard. Enjoy your moment in the sun, dorks, just make sure you don’t actually go outside where the real sun and its rays might make actual contact with your skin…..
- This isn't going to help you make al of your child support payments, Travis Henry. The Denver Broncos running back, known as much for his skills as a prolific procreator with nine kids in with nine women in four states as he is for his skills on the field, is staring down a possible one-year suspension from the NFL after testing positive for marijuana for a third time and less than a year after a second positive test that landed him a four-game suspension. Henry, who is currently the NFL’s leading rusher, has filed a lawsuit to prevent the NFL from using the results of his urine sample for testing of its own and thus being able to drop the one-year suspension on him, and the case is currently making its way through the court system. However, this looks like a losing effort for Henry and in the end it’s likely to amount to little more than a stall tactic to delay the suspension for a few weeks. As I said, though, not playing for a year is really going to make things tight for Henry financially, because when you’re scratching off nine child support checks per month, you need all the income you can get. If you do get suspended for the year, Travis, I feel compelled to offer a bit of advice: Stop knocking chicks up, because the last thing you need in your year off is to add the expense of yet another child to your ledger. Actually, that’s good advice whether you’re suspended or not, because reaching double digits in the “Illegitimate Kids I Have to Support” column of your life ledger is something we should all strive to avoid. A second suggestion for Henry with his impending year off is to get his life in order, stop burning blunts and learn the meaning of the words birth control. Wake up, T., because what should be a promising, productive career leading to financial security for the rest of your life is slipping away from you quickly and it’s all your fault, my man.
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