- I think we can all agree that everyone hates paddleboats. They look like they’d be a lot of fun, right up to the moment you actually get out on the water in one of them and start spinning around and veering in all different directions because you can’t control them. Five minutes in one of those things is more than enough for me in a decade, so I’m flat-out amazed at the13-year paddleboat odyssey just completed by British adventurer Jason Lewis. Lewis circumnavigated the globe in a 26-foot pedal boat, traveling 46,000 miles with only the strength of his legs to power him. Aside from seeing the world and having an amazing adventure that most of us can only dream about having, Lewis can also take from this experience some of the most chiseled calf muscles this side of the workout room at the BALCO labs. To be fair, he didn’t use the paddleboat exclusively; he mixed in a bike, a kayak and some roller blades as well, but however you break it down, it’s an amazing trek. The trip, like the cruise for the crew from Gilligan’s Island, wasn’t supposed to take that long, but accidents, illnesses and border problems prolonged the journey. The original plan was for 3 ½ years, but what’s an extra decade when you’re circumnavigating the globe? Lewis finished his journey by paddling his boat across the Meridian Line in Greenwich, England, on the River Thames. I would try to cover some of what’s changed from the time he began his journey to the time it ended, but it might be easier to focus on what hasn’t changed. When Lewis began his voyage, Michael Jackson was a bizarre, freakish pedophile who made awful music, and that’s still true today. When Lewis began his trip, the Chicago Cubs hadn’t won a World Series since 1908, and that’s also still true. And in 1994, when Lewis was setting out on his trek, Pauly Shore still had not made a single watchable movie, and that too is still true today. Welcome back, J. Lewis, I’m looking forward to what you have planned next.
- It’s common knowledge that O.J. Simpson is the biggest piece of trash known to man, but now we’re learning that in addition to being a murderer (allegedly), a bad husband, a bad father, a memorabilia thief, a burglar, the worst criminal plotter of the decade and the most despicable life form currently inhabiting the Earth, the Juice is also a total fraud. The family of Ronald Goldman, the waiter and friend of Nicole Brown Simpson whom the Juice turned into a human Pez dispenser, tried to collect part of the $33.5 million wrongful death civil judgment against O.J. for knifing their son to death by selling off O.J.’s Rolex watch. The family thought the watch was a genuine Rolex worth $22,000, but found out when they had it appraised that it was a knockoff worth $100. Nice, Juice, everything about you is sleazy and low class, so why wouldn’t you be rocking a fake Rolex. Do you have the fake gold chain to match? Just don’t tell me that your search for the real killer is fake, because I just don’t think I could take that kind of disappointment. Since the watch is of virtually no value in the face of what is owed to the Goldman family, it will be returned to O.J. What use it will be to him in the hole, I don’t know, but that’s where he’s headed once this memorabilia sting operation case against him goes to trial. I see the Goldman’s working here, though. With their nemesis (actually, the Juice is a nemesis to all mankind, he’s not exclusive to the Goldman’s), they’re even less likely to see any of the money they’re owed, so why not try to pawn the watch off? If it’s me, I’m forgetting about selling off any more of the Juice’s stuff, because 1) he’s liable to come bursting through the door of whoever possesses it and threatening them at gunpoint to get his stuff back, and 2) anything this guy touches is cursed, so I want no part of it. Take a sigh of relief, Juice, you’re still the worst guy ever and no, it’s not even a close race.
- There just isn't a better night of television right now than Monday nights with Heroes and Prison Break. Of course, the fact that the other nights of the week are abysmal wastelands of unwatchable shows helps, but it doesn’t lessen the awesomeness of these two shows. Last night’s episodes were stellar, with Prison Break kicking things off with an episode that reminded me why I love watching this show. All of the smarts, cleverness and drama that make PB so great to watch were on display as the pressure was ratcheted up a notch on the characters inside of SONA as well as those on the outside. The most obvious place to start is where last week’s episode ended, namely the mystery box in the corner of the hotel parking garage that Lincoln found from the Company. Based on his reaction in opening the box, you knew it was something horrific, and that’s exactly what it was. The head of Dr. Sarah Tancredi was a warning sign to Linc and Michael to play ball with the Company, although Linc elected to keep the news from Michael because he knew what it would do to his brother. Killing off Sarah wasn’t a surprise because if you’ve been following entertainment news at all, you knew that Sara Wayne Callies wasn’t with the show any more and they weren’t going to recast the role, so killing her off was the only real option. Also on the outside, Sucre’s lazy ass finally decided to do something, namely migrate to Colombia to do some farming work and earn money to send back home to Maricruz. He never made it to Colombia, though, but more on that in a minute. Whistler’s girlfriend also continues her orbit around the Lincoln-Michael-SONA saga, wanting to get involved but not knowing how. She’s a bit whiny and needy at this point, but hopefully that will change as the season progresses. Inside SONA, things were heating up, or more aptly put, shutting down. In order to further his escape plan, Michael Scofield temporarily shorted out the power by placing a cheap metal cross necklace in the circuitry for SONA’s electricity, a move he knew would force Lechero (Robert Wisdom), the de facto leader of the prison, to come and ask for his help in restoring power. That gave Michael a chance to get outside the prison walls and fix wiring that would make the dormant electrical fence surrounding the prison live again. Why was that important? Well, another part of the escape plan calls for a chemical that is sprayed on dead bodies of SONA prisoners to prevent them from smelling as they decompose to be sprayed on the fence. When the chemical reaches a certain temperature, it also melts metal, which is where the live fence comes in. Who’s spraying that chemical on the fence? It’s Sucre, who Lincoln and the company have helped to get a job on the body disposal crew. The dynamics inside the prison are in play as well, with Mahone insisting on being involved in the escape plan and Michael stringing him along, making him think he’s part of the plan by giving him tasks to do, such as securing a black felt tip pen. Mahone wises up and figures out he’s being played, leading him to threaten Scofield to stop jerking with him. The fact that Mahone is being haunted by the ghost of Haywire, the mentally ill inmate who he forced into committing suicide for the Company last year, is disturbing, so hopefully that will stop. Bellick also wants in on the escape plan, but Scofield resists him as well, which leads Bellick to try and rat Michael out to Lechero, a move that backfires when Michael is able to convince Lechero that Bellick’s allegations of an escape plan are fabricated. That earns Bellick a severe burn to the back with a cup full of hot coffee, although you know he’s not giving up that easily. Sadly, it looks like PB will be pre-empted next week by the Major League Baseball playoffs, so we may have to wait an extra week for the story to continue. I’m pissed because as much as I want to see Indians v. Red Sox, I would rather be watching Prison Break. Still, that should be the only time this scheduling conflict happens this year, which is better than most years. And of course, we’ll still have Heroes on next Monday, so the night won't be a total TV loss. This week, my favorite hero, Peter Petrelli, threw a wrench in the process of his return to New York by deciding that maybe life isn't so bad in Cork, Ireland after all. As with so many distractions and downfalls of great men, Peter’s diversion involves a woman – Kaitlin. After pulling an armored car robbery with and her brothers and thus earning back the box containing his belongings and personal property that will help him remember who he was, Peter decides that maybe he doesn’t want to remember and maybe that life in that box isn't one he wants. He likes where he is now, with Kaitlin, gradually rediscovering his powers. Speaking of regaining powers, our old friend Sylar is back, just as devious and manipulative as ever but in some trouble. He was rescued by the mesomorph Candace, who continues her ways of changing her appearance and making other people see whatever she wants them to see and makes Sylar think the two of them are on the beach in Maui. Instead, it turns out that they’re in the middle of the Amazon jungle in a dilapidated metal building. Sylar pretends to be struggling to get back to good health and not having his powers, but once Candace lets her guard down, Sylar reveals that he has all his powers back, killing Candace and trying to take her power. That leaves her in her actual form – as a fat, pasty chick – and leaves Sylar falling to the floor, clutching his stomach and groaning in pain as he realizes he hasn’t actually been able to co-opt Candace’s power and has instead become very ill. Mohinder Suresh is still in the practice of helping ill people with powers, but he’s having a hard time coping with the constant monitoring by his new friends at the company. He and H.R.G. are still seeking the paintings by the late Isaac Mendez that tell the future, which becomes easier when the Company buys Isaac’s old loft and converts it into a lab for Mohinder. That allows him to discover a disturbing painting, the last in a series of eight, that shows H.R.G. as a victim of the mysterious individual hunting down the original heroes, which began with the murder of Hiro’s father last week. Speaking of Hiro, he’s still back in 1671, helping his friend, Japanese legend Takezo Kensei, find his own way as a hero. This week’s challenges included convincing Kensei that his healing and regenerative powers are a gift, not a curse, and starting him on the way to accomplishing the heroic feats that history remembers him for. Hiro finds a way to link to his old life in the future by slipping notes inside the heel of the sword of Kensei that he and old pal Ando stole back in the 21st century and Hiro is about to go back to that life but decides to stay in 1671 for now, partly because like Peter Petrelli, he’s in love with a girl, except she’s Kensei’s girl. And what about H.R.G. the Bennet family, living their normal lives in California? Well, Claire’s new friend West confronts her about her abilities and reveals that he has his own ability, the power to fly. The story takes an unsavory turn when Claire sees the two black marks on his shoulder that indicate tagging and tracking by the Company. She is horrified to learn that it was her father, when he was with the Company, who kidnapped West and brought him in to be experimented on by the Company, although West doesn’t know this – yet. Niki and Micah are also back on the radar, popping up long enough for Micah to be left by his mother in New Orleans with his grandmother, who clearly has powers of her own that we’ll find out about soon enough. But Niki is on her way to New York to see the mysterious man from the Company that Mohinder is working with because he’s promised her that he can “cure” her and eliminate her powers. Lastly, new faces Maya and Alejandro continue their quest to reach New York as they race through Mexico, stopping only when Alejandro is arrested for trying to steal a car and Maya uses her power to cry and somehow cause blood to flow from the eyes of others as they die to free her brother. A fellow escapee from the prison offers them a ride in his car and off they go. There’s almost too much going on to process it all, but the first three episodes of this season have been so amazing that I’m tempted to say this season could be better than Season One, but there’s still a long way to go…….
- After Heroes and Prison Break were over and while I was partially concentrating on the Indians dispatching the Yankees from the postseason, there was still time to catch a Monday Night Football thriller between the Dallas Cowboys and Buffalo Bills that proved you don’t need to play a great game or be a good team to put on one of the most dramatic contests of the season. The person not playing a great game was Cowboys quarterback and perennial chaser of B-list celebrity tail Tony Romo, who had six freaking turnovers but still managed to rally his team to a win over a team they should have beaten for three touchdowns. The 25-24 margin shouldn’t deceive Buffalo fans or distract them from the fact that they have one of the two or three worst teams in the NFL. Romo’s six turnovers, including two interceptions returned for touchdowns, kept Buffalo in the game, along with a kickoff return for a touchdown by Terrence McGee, but in the end Buffalo proved why they really are a bargain basement team by throwing a costly interception when they were about to put up a clinching score, then failing to recover an onside kick that the Cowboys secured and then used to propel them into field goal range where rookie kicker Nick Folk sealed the win.
- You want forgiveness, Marion Jones? Fine, as long as you realize that forgiving you doesn’t mean that I don’t still think of you as a lying, thieving cheater with no ethics and no credibility. As long as you’re cool with me thinking of you in the same vein as Bar-roid Bonds, Ben Johnson, Mark McGwire and others of their ilk, then consider yourself forgiven. You’re a fraud, a phony and a cheater who built one of the most successful careers in the history of women’s track and field on the back of steroid use. You can give back the five medals you won at the 2000 Summer Olympics, forfeit all of the results, winnings and records you set during your ‘roids period dating back to September 1, 2000, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it won't keep this scandal from being the first thing people think of whenever they hear your name from this point on. On a side note, how is Jones going to give back those winnings when she reportedly only has $2,000 or so to her name? A few months ago, a story was published that alleged among other things that Jones has only $2,000 left and that she’s fallen on hard times, so I’m wondering how she plans on giving back her winnings. Was she lying about being broke too, since lying seems like her forte? Or will she set up some sort of payment plan, the “I cheated and used steroids so here’s ten dollars a week until I pay it all back” plan? The truly sad element of this story is that the U.S. Olympic Committee is now demanding that Jones’ teammates from the gold and bronze medal-winning relay teams in the 2000 Olympics give back their medals as well, which I hope they don’t do. It’s not their fault the Jones cheated and tarnished their performance, so they should keep their medals and tell the USOC to suck it. Yet another great result of your cheating ways, Marion, you really did as much damage as possible on this one…..
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