Saturday, December 20, 2014

Feats of Jaguars irrelevance, Greenpeace v. Peru and giant cuckoo clocks of idiocy


- Greenpeace and Peru are locked in a bitter struggle and from the sound of it, the case is getting snarkier by the day. A Peruvian prosecutor is investigating the suspected involvement of a Greenpeace activist in the latest of the environmental organization’s lame publicity stunts, one that allegedly damaged the world-renowned Nazca lines. The Greenpeace crew allegedly sneaked into the desert area on Dec. 8, sleuthing their way into the fragile site and damaging the area by creating a message about environmental issues. The message is visible from the air, and if Peru has its way, so might be the smoke from the torches the masses will be holding aloft as they pillory the guilty parties. Authorities have said the site was damaged by footprints made by the activists, who were trying to time their stunt with a U.N. conference on climate change held in Peru's capital. These nut jobs laid out a message promoting clean energy beside one of the site's most famous figures, a huge hummingbird, and it didn’t take long for their actions to come to light. Greenpeace Executive Director Kumi Naidoo confirmed that prosecutor Patricia Begazo is conducting a preliminary investigation into Argentine activist Mauro Fernandez, who heads up the organization's Andean Climate and Energy Campaign. Peruvian officials have vowed to seek charges for "attacking archaeological monuments," a crime punishable by up to six years in prison and that’s a fitting punishment for loons who believe that clean energy billboards can be made by defacing important historical sites. Fernandez and other activists fled Peru after the stunt and so far, there has been no indication whether he would return to Peru voluntarily or if the Peruvian government would ask him to do so. The Nazca lines date back to some 1,500 to 2,000 years ago, a series of markings scratched into the dark ground to reveal the lighter-colored earth underneath, creating huge figures in the shapes of real and imagined creatures and stylized plants. Hilariously, Naidoo said he has suggested to Culture Minister Diana Alvarez-Calderon that Greenpeace and Peru "work together to protect the Nazca lines." Protect them from who, Kumi………..


- This next story is going to be very confusing and not simply because you may be trying to figure out whether you give a damn about either involved party. The answer, but the way, is no, you do not give a damn. But read on because there are few things more important to the world than Iggy Azalea accusing Azealia Banks of having a "piss poor attitude" after Banks gave an interview in which she claimed white artists are appropriating black culture in America. To review, it’s Iggy AZELEA throwing verbal haymakers at AZELIA Banks, so try not to confuse the two. Azelea and Azelia have clashed numerous times in recent months, most recently when Banks ripped her Australian rival for not commenting on the protests in New York and Ferguson following Eric Garner and Michael Brown's deaths. Not content with her initial verbal salvo, she revisited the subject again in a recent interview in which she became visibly emotional when talking about her feelings on the treatment of white artists versus black artists in the United States. "I feel like, in this country, whenever it comes to our things, like black issues or black politics or black music or whatever, there's always this undercurrent of kinda like a 'F*ck you,'" Banks said. "There's always a 'F*ck y'all n*ggas. Y'all don't really own sh*t. Y'all don't have shit.' That Macklemore album wasn't better than the Drake record. That Iggy Azalea sh*t isn't better than any f**king black girl that's rapping today." The Macklemore criticism is as unoriginal as possible and has been recycled hundreds of times, while the “black girl” rapping issue simply sounds like bitterness against an artist who’s selling more albums than you……..


- There is no good place for a giant cuckoo clock. They’re dumb, they're annoying as hell and no one wants to be around them for more than .5 seconds. Given those characteristics, the only tolerable place for them is one where people are passing by quickly and aren’t in the same place more than once a day. In other words, stick that clock at a train station or airport and it will be at its least annoying. That theory will be proven by the giant cuckoo clock installed for a residency at the Portland International Airport this week. The handcrafted clock is more than 24 feet tall and 9 1/2 feet wide, qualifying it as the tallest freestanding cuckoo clock in America. The clock will remain at the airport, just past security between the A, B and C gates, for the next three months. Its spot in the airport's south atrium, showing off the handiwork of Travel Portland. The clock features Portland icons such as Mount Hood, salmon, beer, bikers, Portlandia, Sasquatch, roses and rivers, but those are clearly not its most irritating features. No, that would be the hand-carved chicken taking over the traditional role of the cuckoo bird and marking every hour that passes. There is no good reason to create a monstrosity like this, but the reason given it to kick off Travel Portland's "Portland Is Happening Now" winter tourism campaign. The clock, weirdly enough, was first unveiled in Seattle in November and has since traveled to Vancouver, B.C., before coming back to Portland. "The clock is part of our larger campaign to attract tourists from our top feeder markets like Seattle and Vancouver, B.C., during the traditionally slower winter months," said Jeff Miller, president and CEO of Travel Portland. "It represents the fact that something interesting is happening in Portland every hour of every day. Yes, there is something interesting happening in the hippie-heavy city, but none of it has anything to do with the world’s most annoying clock……..


- No one is going to mistake any game played by the 2014 Jacksonville Jaguars for a meaningful NFL game. But just because the Jags are 3-12 and won't play a game that matters this calendar year doesn’t mean that their games can't have meaning for some of their players. Take defensive tackle Sen'Derrick Marks, for example. Marks made the game-clinching sack of Tennessee Titans quarterback Charlie Whitehurst, dropping him for a 9-yard loss, in the final seconds in the Jaguars' 21-13 victory over the Titans. As he jumped up from the turf, Marks made the money sign with both hands and unlike every other NFLer who makes the gesture these days, he wasn’t actually mocking Johnny Manziel. No, Marks was celebrating a sack that helped secure a costly win that will hurt his team’s draft position, but one that gave him 8.5 for the season and activated a $600,000 bonus in his contract. "I had to do the Manziel," Marks said. "I pointed to the press box to [Jaguars GM] Dave [Caldwell] and threw out the Manziel, so I thought that was pretty fun." Eight sacks for an interior lineman is rare and Caldwell said recently that he’s cool with scratching that check because it means that is playing at a Pro Bowl level in 2014. Knowing that he had a big bonus check on the way, Marks took any of his teammates who wanted to celebrate out for a night on the town. "We're just going to go out and enjoy the night," he said. "It was pretty awesome. Just the excitement of all the guys. Everybody's excited about somebody else accomplishing something for them. It just shows the character of our team and the guys that we have. Nobody gets that check but me, but everybody's excited for me." Keep cashing them checks, Sen………

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