- Charlie Whitehurst, give back your Clipboard Jesus moniker
immediately. You can no longer rock any sort of cool handle after what
went down this week during the Tennessee Titans’ organized team activities.
Whitehurst, the
former star Clemson quarterback-turned-career NFL backup, is now wearing Titans
blue and red and is with his third NFL team in eight seasons. Like many players
who join a new team, Whitehurst is partial to a certain uniform number and as
so often happens in such cases, someone on his new team already has that
number. A player who wants to pry a certain digit away from a new teammate must
negotiate a fair price and then pony up some combination of cash and benefits
that will satisfy the number’s current owner. Whitehurst found a way around
paying out when it came to getting jersey No. 6 away from punter Brett Kern…
but he still won't be wearing the number he has had on every team on which he
has played since his college days. That’s because, as Whitehurst revealed via
Instagram, he tried and failed to win No. 6 away from Kern in none other than
am arm wrestling contest. A quarterback should never challenge a punter to an
arm wrestling contest because neither winning or losing gains him anything
worthwhile, but if you’re going to challenge the guy whose job it is to
dropkick the ball away six times a game and not get trucked during the ensuing
return, then you cannot lose. Whitehurst did exactly that and getting owned on
some card table in the locker room by Kern is far worse than appearing in just
13 NFL games in eight seasons and average less than half a touchdown pass per
season. If the Titans don’t cut Whitehurst on the spot, then they’re sending a
bad message to their entire team……….
- You’ve done it again, Guinness Book of World Records. You have
inspired another ass-hatted fool with no discernable skills capable of actually
benefitting humanity to attempt a truly pointless feat just to secure a spot in
your silly, silly pages. The latest kook to attempt a stunt along the lines of
collecting the world’s largest ball of rubber bands or dancing backward to “Who
Let the Dogs Out” for 48 straight hours is Plymouth, Mass. resident Matt Kenny,
who saw a worthless world record he knew he could beat while accomplishing
nothing of significance and thought to himself, “Dammit, now THAT is something
I need to try.” And so it is that Kenny and his unique way of walking vaulted
onto the world stage. “When I was a kid I always wanted to get in to the
Guinness Book of World Records,” Kenny said. We all had moronic ideas and
dreams as kids, Kenny, but we got past the idea of eating cereal for every meal
and living on the moon with our best friends in a treehouse made of cheese. The
record Kenny targeted was for the fastest inverted 50-yard dash. But Kenny knew
reaching world-class status would take time and so he spent years practicing
and honing his craft. He practiced through college and he turned 29, he
finally broke the worthless record he had been chasing for so long. As the
years went by, Kenny got married and started a family. Eventually, he realized
that all his children knew of his feeble feat was the plaque and pictures they
had seen. That inspired him to try for a second world record, this time walking
down a set of stairs on his hands. He practiced for half an hour every day and
when the time was right, he hand-sprinted down 77 stairs in a mere 30 seconds,
setting a second world record in his life. “Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not big
enough, smart enough, fast enough, strong enough to do something. Because if
you work at something, you can do it,” he said. Here’s hoping zeroes and zeroes
more morons are inspired by your words, Matthew………
- It’s nice to see Marilyn Manson still has something to do and a
role for himself that so well suits his talents. Manson, best known as an
anti-religious shock rocker who grew up going to a Christian school in Ohio,
has landed himself a respectable gig as a white supremacist on FX’s hit biker
drama “Sons of Anarchy.” Venturing into acting is not new territory for Manson,
who has previously appeared in popular cable dramas “Eastbound & Down” and Californication.
Manson has also appeared in a number of films, including “Lost Highway” and “Party Monster,” and recently
contributed a new song, entitled “Cupid Carries A Gun,” to the soundtrack of
drama series Salem. In
actuality, he has somehow morphed into a pop culture figure who is less known
for tearing up Bibles on stage and more known for buddying around with
A-listers and growing into a caricature of his old self. His “Anarchy” role
will be that of Ron Tully, a powerful figure in prison who has a recurring role
on the show. "‘Sons’ has been such a big part of my life, as well as my
father's, so I was determined to make him proud by being involved in what will
probably be remembered as the most amazing piece of television cinema,” Manson
said in a statement. “After all, the very heart of SOA is about that
relationship. So, now all I need is a motorcycle.” One would guess that finding
a suitable hog for Manson shouldn’t be difficult and those looking forward to
the seventh season of the critically acclaimed show have another reason to be
curious about what lies ahead………
- Does Skype “Hablo Espanol” and “Sprechen
Sie Deutsch” for its friends around the world? Not yet, but maybe soon… very
soon. After Microsoft’s presentation this week at the inaugural Code
Conference in Ranchos Palos Verdes, Calif., the world just might be a step
closer to a universal translator that users around the globe have been
hankering for. Microsoft announced plans to introduce real-time language
translation on its popular video conferencing platform later this year and at
the conference, a company presenter demoed Skype Translator with a real-time
translation of an audio conversation from English to German and German to
English. Obviously, German to English and vice versa is one of the simpler
translations, but successful implementation of this new feature would clear the
way for individuals from around the planet to communicate openly without them
having to go through the pain and travails of spending years actually learning
someone else’s language – perfect for lazy Americans who expect everyone else
to know English in order to accommodate their unlearned asses. Obviously, the
business applications alone would be extremely lucrative, all joking aside.
This new feature is the result of a decade’s worth of development and it
functions using Bing translation and voice recognition software for the Kinect.
Gurdeep Pall, corporate vice president of Skype and Lync at Microsoft,
explained that his team drew dork-tastic inspiration for the Universal
Translator from Star Trek and will offer testing for their new gizmo as a
Windows 8 beta before moving to other platforms like smartphones and
tablets……..
- Oh no, you didn’t, ruling Thai military junta. You cannot
tell the people that if they don’t like your violent coup to seize control of
their country that they can f*ck off and stay home. Yet that is exactly what
the powers that be have done in Thailand, where more than 1,000 troops and police
sealed off one of Bangkok's busiest intersections to prevent a planned protest,
throwing down the gauntlet against
any demonstrations against last week's military coup. In a ridiculous show of
force, truckloads of soldiers blocked all incoming roads to the capital's
Victory Monument at the height of evening rush hour in an area that serves as
one of the city's commuter bus hubs. To show they were serious, security forces
parked more than a dozen police prisoner trucks along the emptied roundabout,
taunting anyone who would show up and stand up for their rights to dissent.
Maybe protestors were lurking in the shadows, formulating their next plan to
show defiance against an ongoing ban on political gatherings. Interestingly
enough, the first person detained on the day was a Belgian man taken into
custody for wearing a truly heinous T-shirt with the message, “PEACE PLEASE.”
Two Thai women were hauled away after they showed signs with anti-coup
messages, continuing a trend of small demonstrations in the aftermath of the
ban being put in place. However, a planned gathering Thursday didn’t
materialize and the fate of a mass rally scheduled for Sunday is now in doubt.
Gen. Somyot Poompanmoung, the deputy national police chief, ass-hattedly
declared that small protests would no longer be allowed. "We know their
rally is mainly for symbolic reasons, but it's against the law," he said.
"We have to keep the law sacred." Wrong answer, Somyot. He warned that
police are ready should protestors take a new approach and here’s hoping they
do, because the sh*t needs to get real, real fast. This fight is light years
from over………
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