- Polar bears and Pacific walruses, beware. The environment-wrecking, senseless and malicious machine that is the W. administration is heading your way and as usual, it’s doing so with a lack of intelligence, responsibility and a working grasp of the English language. I give this warning because I genuinely like both polar bears and Pacific walruses, but rest assured that the W. administration hates these critters just like it f’ing despises everything else in the environment that it can exploit in its endless quest to destroy the entire freaking ecosystem of the world in just two terms in office. Most presidents would have to serve two terms, take the mandatory four years off and then come back for two more terms to even inflict one-tenth the damage that this current administration has brought to bear on the environment. This latest strike at our furry friends to the north comes less than a month after W. and his posse of ass hats declared polar bears an endangered species. That declaration, like anything else with more than two syllables in it or requiring anything over the intelligence level of a 4-year-old, has gone right over W.’s head and his administration has given the green light to not one, not two, but seven major oil companies to search for oil in the Chukchi Sea off the northwestern coast of Alaska as long as the amount of polar bears and walruses they harm or kill in the process is limited to “small numbers.” No word on what “small numbers” means, which is kinda what I think W. and his crew want. If they keep things vague and ambiguous, they can’t actually be held accountable….or so they think. About 8 percent of the polar bears in the Arctic like in the Chukchi Sea, so there is a substantial risk here. But no risk to the environment isn't worth taking for W. and his boys, not after they raked in a cool $2.6 billion back in February from Phillips Co., Shell Oil Co. and five other companies for oil leases. Know what, I’m not even going to hold back this time, I’m coming right out and saying it. F**k you, W. You are a moron, you continue to dick over our country on every possible front, from lying about intelligence that you used to wrongly thrust us into a war that you now won't end, to crashing our economy like you probably crashed the expensive luxury car your dad was dumb enough to give you when you turned 16, to screwing up the environment, to making the rest of the world hate us a thousand times more than it already did. You’re a certified piece of crap, the worst president in the history of this or any other country and it’s going to take our nation years to recover from the damage you’ve done, asshole…..
- I had a lot of fun watching the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines over the weekend. It was a great tournament that actually stretched into Monday with an 18-hole playoff to decide the winner. The tournament featured plenty of great golf, some amazing shots and intense moments, but it also featured some of the biggest morons you’ll ever encounter at a sporting event. No, I’m not just talking about the ignorant a-holes who scream “Get in the hole!” every time a player hits the ball, even if the player is 600+ yards from the hole and will be fortunate to make it there in three shots, let alone one. I’m not ever talking about the idiots who scream that line when a player has yet to hit a shot and distract the player to the point that the player has to step back from his shot and refocus. More so, I’m referring to the father-son tandem of Thomas Campbell, 62, and Thomas Campbell Jr., both of whom were at the Open Friday and following around a threesome that featured the top three players in the world - Tiger, Phil Mickelson and Adam Scott. The Campbells decided that a good way to enjoy the tournament, rather than watching the world’s three best golfers, who be to get rip-roaring drunk and heckle Torry Navarro, Scott’s caddy. This clearly wasn’t run-of-the-mill heckling, either; if it was, Navarro would not have left the course, gone under the rope and into the gallery to deliver an (alleged) head butt to Campbell Jr. Whether the head butt took place is not certain, but what is certain is that San Diego police cuffed both Campbell men and hauled them off to jail. The kicker here is that with them at the tournament was Campbell Jr.’s 7-year-old son, who was forced to wait with an officer at the tournament while a family member came to pick him up. In other words, the two elder Campbells did all of this - getting smashed, heckling a caddy with what was almost certainly a run of obscenity-laced blasts, getting head-butted by the caddy they were taunting, getting arrested and taken off to jail - with their son/grandson watching. Good move, fellas. Way to show that kid how to conduct himself like a man. I’m sure he’ll shake that whole thing right off and be just fine. How could having your father and grandfather act like drunken idiots, get head-butted by a stranger, get arrested and leave you alone at the golf course until your mom could come pick you up be at all emotionally scarring? As he was being led away, Campbell Jr. yelled at police to, “Take it easy on my dad. We’re just trying to watch some golf.” No, Tom, you weren’t just trying to watch golf. People who tried to just watch golf are the ones who didn’t get into any altercations at the course, didn’t get arrested and left Torrey Pines in their own vehicle as opposed to the back of a cop car. Well done, Campbells, a very proud weekend for your family….
- Not the best way to send a message to Hollywood, moviegoers out there. When studios and producers green light a remake of a movie that was just made five freaking years ago, the right thing to do would be refusing to go see that movie on the grounds that it’s unoriginal, unimaginative and is a blatant cash grab by recycling a stale, played-out concept and adding new stars to the mix. The wrong thing to do is to go see that movie in such massive numbers that it ends up being the top-grossing movie of the weekend at $54.5 million. Yes, The Incredible Hulk is your big earner of this weekend at the movies, easily outdistancing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Desperate, Homely Middle Aged Women in the City with Sarah Jessica Parker. Just because a movie gets a lot of publicity and spends big promotional dollars to get its foot in the door on also-ran summer shows like American Gladiators doesn’t mean you automatically treat it like a legit summer blockbuster. Ed Norton or no Ed Norton, Hulk is one movie I’m not going to see in the theater, nor will I see it on TV or DVD when it ends up in those places months down the road. Maybe I’m a loner on this one, but I just can’t get with a movie this is such a complete rip-off of a movie that is less than a decade old. No soup for you, producers, execs, cast and crew of The Incredible Hulk, no soup for you….
- So close, yet so far away in the end. Yes, it was just eight years ago that little Elian Gonzalez was the flashpoint for a bitter international custody battle that pitted his relatives in Miami against his family back in Cuba after a raft he was on in an attempted border crashing capsized and he was rescued and brought into the United States while his fate was decided. Ultimately his relatives in Cuba won out and Elian, then age 6, was sent back to the Communist nation and forgotten about by most Americans, even those who fought and protested so vigorously to keep him in this country. Apparently that taste of freedom and democracy was not enough to convince Elian that Communism is not the way to go, because as of last week 14-year-old Elian is a member of Cuba’s Young Communist Organization. Reports out of Cuba have him joining the organization and promising never to let down puppet ruler Raul Castro, pretending to be president while his brother and the country’s former president retired, and Fidel Castro, the former president in question. So that’s the thanks we get for rescuing you from the dangerous ocean waters, feed, clothing and lodging you for weeks, Elian? Nice gratitude, you little brat. You’d better hope you are never stranded in the middle of international waters again, because next time we just might leave your Commie ass floating….
- Suck it, Barbados! You can take your sad, sorry soccer team ad ship it right back to your tiny tropical island in the Caribbean after the United Freaking States of America (U.F.S.A.! U.F.S.A.!) administered an 8-0 ass-kicking in the first game of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup on Sunday. Yes, that’s right, the U.S. is absolutely dominating the field against nations with less than X percent of our population and only a fraction of our land mass. Never mind that Barbados is smaller and has fewer people than some states here in the U.F.S.A., just focus on the fact that we beat them down in a sport that 94.6 percent of America doesn’t care about and that 99.56 percent of us stopped playing (if we ever played at all) when we turned 12. No, soccer isn't a major sport here in the United States and yes, those who play it are totally irrelevant on the sports landscape, but dammit, we routed freaking Barbados, baby! An 8-0 win in soccer is the equivalent of a 25-0 win in baseball or a 77-0 rout in real, American football. Yes, the entire country was focused on the U.S. Open, the NBA Finals, Major League Baseball’s regular season, their local Little League team, the NCAA Track and Field championships, their weekly bowling league and the pickup basketball game at their local park more than they were focused on this match, but does that mean it’s not a huge triumph? Umm, yeah, actually that is what it means. Sorry soccer, but here in the U.F.S.A., you still don’t matter and I don’t believe that you ever will.
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