- See what you’ve done, soccer? You invited David Beckham into our country and now he and his bratty, inflated-ego, irrelevant-yet-arrogant family are making themselves right at home. Not only does D. Beckham insist on continuing to play soccer for the L.A. Galaxy and pretending that soccer actually matters in this country, but the Beckhams are now buying up real estate in the U.S. in a slow, methodical, diabolic takeover. Okay, so maybe that’s a bit too dramatic, but don’t tell me it couldn’t happen. Beckham bought wife Victoria a Napa Valley winery for her 34th birthday, snatching up several acres of real estate so his bride could have a fun new hobby and make a little extra money on the side, assuming her attempts at reviving one of the biggest abominations in the history of music with her four fellow Spice Skanks by singing another round of abysmal, overproduced, bereft-of-actual-musical-talent songs doesn’t pan out. Bit by bit, these people (the Beckhams) are trying to take over, first by co-opting a second-rate league in a sport that 99.94 percent of Americans couldn’t care less about and elevating its importance in the public eye by .0004 percent for a span of exactly a week, then by foisting a comeback album full of crap-tacular music by one of the five worst musical acts of all-time on everyone and now by buying a winery. If we allow them to infiltrate soccer, pop music and wine, what’s next people? Lacrosse? Rutabaga farming? Please, let’s band together and put a stop to this before it gets any worse….
- Great, this was just what we all needed. A week after it was announced that an opera would be made out of Al Gore’s environmental documentary An Inconvenient Truth, word has leaked that the movie which has inspired more gay jokes and parodies than any other in recent memory will be made into an opera as well. Yes, Brokeback Mountain, America’s favorite (well, it’s only) ode to homosexual cowboys, will be coming to the stage in 2013. The opera will draw from the story by Annie Proulx that in turn inspired the movie starring Jake Gyllenhal and the late Heath Ledger, and it will be composed by Charles Wuorinen. The New York Metropolitan Opera has commissioned Wuorinen to write the production, which has to pump everyone up. After all, who can't get psyched to hear someone sing “I wish I knew how to quit you,” instead of hearing them just speak it? What’s not exciting about taking a wildly overrated movie that only achieved a high level of notoriety because of its controversial homosexual content (seriously, take a look at the movie as a whole without focusing on the gay aspect and you’ll see how much of an average movie it is) and making it into an opera? Not that I’ve ever had a desire to slam on a tuxedo, sit in a theater with a bunch of rich, snobbish socialites and watch people go around the stage singing in their best opera voice to tell a story that I couldn’t care less about, but I can say with absolute certainty that one place you won't find me come 2013 is at the New York Metropolitan Opera watching this mess.
- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Today’s Riot Watch spins us around the globe to a small town on Egypt’s Mediterranean coast where literally thousands of angry citizens took part in the time-honored tradition of clashing with The Man over flour rations. Who among us doesn’t have a great story of a time when our government got a little too tight-fisted with the flour and we joined with thousands of our neighbors to riot in the streets and fight with police over the issue? Just as I thought, nearly all of us have one or more of those stories. This particular riot occurred on Sunday and involved more than 8,000 protestors blocking off the main Cairo-Mediterranean highway for seven hours. To take things up a notch, protestors also burned tires to further disrupt the peace, which I always applaud. While burning tires isn't quite as impressive as burning an entire car, I do appreciate the effort. Food shortages and rationing are issues that are all but guaranteed to cause protests, riots, etc., so if you see something along those lines taking place anywhere in the world, you can be pretty sure that a riot of some sort will be following in short order. Props on a solid riot, Egyptians, hope you get the flour you are after.
- Lacking that special something in your life, that extra boost that only the ill-reasoned, irrelevant, cash-grabbing opinions of two disgraced skanks/former low-level political lackeys can supply? I thought that might be the case, so allow me to present a new website created by two of Bubba Clinton’s former trollops, Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers. While these two are famous for getting after it with the former president more than a decade ago apparently no one told them that their 15 minutes of slutty fame have come and gone. They seem to be under the impression that people still give a damn what they have to say and are banking on the fact that you all will be willing to pay $1.99 a pop to watch videos from their site in which they, among other things, reveal details about their encounters with Slick Willie. “It’s a way we can get our stories out there in our own words,” Jones explained. Oh, and make a few bucks in the process, eh Paula? But lest you think this is just dishing details about hitting it with a former leader of the free world, rest assured that Jones and Flowers will also be giving their take on current political issues, especially Hank Clinton’s failed bid for the Democratic presidential nomination. Flowers weighed in on that one in an interview with the TV show Extra, saying she would advise Hank to “divorce that chump.” Thanks for that, G. You all are about 10 years late and a combined 150 IQ points short on this one, but nice try. Maybe you should have reached out to Monica Lewinsky and set up a website where the three of you take your clothes off for money, that may have actually netted you more money from all of the perverts, freaks, degenerates and losers out there…..
- Veronica Mars may have ended far too soon (thanks for that, Dawn Ostroff and her ass-hatted minions at the CW), but fans of the show are going to get a chance to see two of that show’s most beloved characters reunited this fall on the equally awesome NBC sci-fi thriller Heroes. Francis Capra, a.k.a. Weevil of Mars fame is joining the NBC hit this fall in the recurring role of Jesse and his arrival promises to reunite him with Veronica herself, Kristen Bell, who is rumored (but not yet confirmed) to be reprising her own Heroes role this season. The who, how, what and other details about the character aren’t yet known, so for now fans are left to gossip and debate the question of who or what is Jesse? According to tvguide.com, the only things known about the character is that he’ll be on the evil side of the ledger and that his villainous storyline will find him crossing paths with Peter Petrelli (Milo Ventimiglia). Honestly, at this point I don’t need to know any more. I’ve never been one of those people into the minutiae of shows, getting scoops on new characters and storylines months in advance. I just enjoy watching things unfold as they come, so just knowing that Veronica and Weevil will be sharing the screen on the same show once again is cool enough for me…..
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