- Count Jennifer Lawrence among the scores of people – most of
them retirement age or older – who say they “don’t really understand” that
new-fangled Internet. Lawrence’s comments came in the wake of naked photos of
her leaked as part of a campaign by online hackers and because of that incident
and other hate that has flowed her way, Lawrence is miffed and wants the world
to know that she feels scorned by the World Wide Web and has zero plans to ever
dive into the world of social media. "I cannot really keep up with emails
so the idea of Twitter is so unthinkable to me,” Lawrence said. "I don't
really understand what it is, it's like this weird enigma that people talk
about. It's fine…I respect that but no, I'll never get Twitter." To recap,
this chick is overwhelmed by the harrowing world of EMAIL. Email befuddles,
confuses and overwhelms her. One can only picture the sight of Lawrence’s head
spontaneously combusting if anyone ever tries to explain to her what Instagram
is or how Snapchat works. The good news is that she sounds so horrified by all
of it that she won't go anywhere near anything remotely resembling social
media. "Because the Internet has scorned me so much, I feel like it's that
girl in high school that I'm like 'Oh you want to talk about her? Yeah I'll do
that,’” she explained. “If you ever see a Facebook, Instagram or Twitter that
says it's me, it most certainly is not me." In other words, someone else
is going to have to do the tweet-ups to promote “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1,” because J-Law is not going to
have any part of it. Time to step up, Liam Hemsworth, Josh Hutcherson
and Julianne Moore………
- Duuuude, back off ganja, Dr. Francesca Filbey, associate
professor at the School of Behavioral and Brain Sciences at the University of
Texas at Dallas. Filbey, who clearly didn’t get invited to the cool parties in
college, is now using all of his book learning to try and ruin marijuana’s
reputation as a fun drug folks can use to chill and take the edge off life.
This dork led a study allegedly showing that smoking the hippie lettuce at an
early age could have long-term consequences on your brain and it may even lower
your IQ. His bogus study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy
of Sciences, found that compared to nonusers, people who smoked marijuana
starting as early as age 14 have less brain volume, or gray matter, in the orbitofrontal
cortex. That just happens to be the area in the front of your brain that helps
you make decisions. "The younger the individual started using, the more
pronounced the changes," Fil-be-a-wet-blanket said. “Adolescence is when the
brain starts maturing and making itself more adult-like, so any exposure to
toxic substances can set the course for how your brain ends up.” If this study
were to be believed, the wiring of the brain starts to deteriorate with chronic
marijuana use. "Too much or too little of anything isn't good. There needs
to be an equal balance," Filbey added. Before putting any stock in this
nonsense, just know that a mere 48 stoners took part in the study, all of whom started
smoking between age 14 and 30. They hit the bong an average of three times a
day and their data was compared with that of a group of 62 nonusers of the same
basic age and gender. Researchers found that participants who regularly used
marijuana had IQ's that were five points lower, on average, than the nonusers
in the study. However, there is no proof at all that getting baked on a daily
basis was the reason for their lower intelligence levels. Nice try, science,
but there’s a reason potheads watch intellectually stimulating TV programming
like “Beavis and Butthead” every freaking day………
- Ironically enough, welterweight titleholder Manny Pacquiao is actually telling the truth
when he says that he finally wants to fight Floyd Mayweather Jr. The fight
everyone but the two of them has wanted for years has never materialize because
of greed, ego and a million other reasons, but with Mayweather promising to
retire once his current six-fight deal with HBO expires and Pacquiao showing
signs of slippage ahead of his upcoming defense against junior welterweight
titlist Chris Algieri, Now that it’s no longer the fight everyone wants to see
and it’s clear Mayweather has much better options than the declining Pacquiao,
it makes sense that Pac-Man would claim publicly that he wants the fight. "I
do have one specific goal, and that is to give the boxing fans the fight they
have always asked for," Pacquiao said. "I want that fight [with Floyd
Mayweather Jr.], too." Manny, you should probably be happy that you
regained your 147-pound title from Timothy Bradley Jr. with a resounding
unanimous decision in their rematch on April 12, gaining revenge for a loss to
Bradley two years earlier. It’s clear that Mayweather realizes he has better
options and is indifferent toward a Pacquiao bout that would offer little to
gain for him. "I don't even think about Pacquiao," Mayweather said
after his last fight back in September. "I don't even know him, actually.
But I wish him nothing but the best. But that's not my focus. I could care less
about what Pacquiao does. I don't wish anything bad on the man. I try not to focus
on no one else's business. If it happens, it happens. You guys can keep asking
the same questions over and over. I move when I want to, where I want to and
how I want to.” In spite of those remarks, Pacquiao has talked himself into
believing that the fight is possible if the two sides simply sit down at the negotiating
table and bargain in good faith. Whatever makes you feel better, Manny…….
- The pope really wants to connect with the poor and needy. The
pontiff has made a point of washing the feet of the down and out and that’s
cool because his security team is nearby and can intervene in the event
anything goes horribly wrong. But what the head of the Catholic Church doesn’t seem
to realize is that if you keep handing amenities to the homeless, they’re never
going to leave. They’re like wild animals that way, except they can both stare
at you with their saucer-like eyes AND verbally harangue you if you refuse to
feed or otherwise assist them. Risks be damned, though, because homeless folks
lurking around the Vatican are about to get much more than withering glares or
outright indifference from passers-by. They will also get a showed, according
to the pope's chief alms-giver, Monsignor Konrad Krajewski. The lead
alms-man said three showers will be installed in the public restrooms off
Bernini's Colonnade in St. Peter's Square to meet the basic sanitation needs of
homeless men and women in the area. As Krajewski explains it, he came up with
the idea after meeting a homeless man named Franco. When he offered to buy his
new friend dinner because it was the man’s 50th birthday, Franco allegedly
declined because of his pungent body odor. "I brought him anyway. We had
Chinese. While we were at the table, he told me that you can always find
something to eat in Rome. But what is missing are places to wash,” Krajewski
said. That’s what Purell was invented for, monsignor……….
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