- The Jacksonville Jaguars were already enough of an
embarrassment. They didn’t need second-year cornerback Dwayne Gratz to show up at a Florida grocery story and
commit one of the single most asinine incidences of drunken stupidity in a
long, long time. But we don’t always get what we need and therefore, one of the
worst teams in the NFL must deal with the aftermath of a liquored-up player who
tried to purchase several items at a grocery store with the widely accepted
currency of…bubble gum. Yes, this Mensa wannabe was out of cash so he tried to
use bubble gum to purchase several items at the on-site grocery store at the
Ocean Reef Suites in Miami Beach, Fla. Believe it or not, he was drunk at the
time and even more shockingly, this situation did not end in a matter
reflecting well on either Gratz or his team. In fact, the attempted Great Gum
Exchange of 2014 triggered a chain of events that resulted in his arrest for
disorderly intoxication and trespassing. According to a Miami Beach Police
Department report, Gratz got into a spirited discourse with the zit-faced
community college dropout working the counter after he tried to pay for several
items with bubble gum because he didn't have any money. When the clerk
suggested that he leave the store, Gratz refused and caused a disturbance that
inspired other customers to leave the store. The clerk then called police and
two MBPD officers showed up to find that Gratz had bloodshot eyes and smelled
of alcohol, the report said. They told Gratz to leave the store several times
but he told police: "No. I'm not leaving." Telling the cops you won't
be following their orders is generally a bad idea and so it was for Gratz, who
was arrested at 5:53 a.m. and charged with disorderly intoxication and
trespassing after a warning, both misdemeanors, and got to spend the night in
jail. Quality use of your free time in your week off, D……..
- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Hungary is high on rage these days
and it’s directed straight at The Man. Specifically, the more than 10,000
people who jammed the country’s capital to begin the week are demanding
the ouster of the head of the tax authority and greater accountability from
Prime Minister Viktor Orban's government. Bum rushing Budapest was a great idea
and the event was dubbed "Public Outrage Day.” While the name itself could
use some – fine, a lot of – work, the spirit behind the day was wonderful in so
many ways. Its centerpiece was a massive demonstration outside Parliament to
rage against Orban's refusal to dismiss Ildiko Vida, who has been issued with
an entry ban by the United States because of alleged ties to corruption. Getting
slapped with an entry ban is the international version of not being allowed to
come to the bitchin’ kegger at the coolest frat house on campus on homecoming weekend,
so you know that one has to sting for Hungarians. Yet perhaps the coolest part
of the gathering has to do with what it’s not instead of what it was. See, it
was just one of many anti-government rallies held in Budapest in the past month,
not some special instance of the common man having too much and lashing out. This
sh*t happens on a near-weekly basis and from the looks of it, they’re going to
keep on happening. There were also satellite rallies in 20 other Hungarian
cities and in European capitals like London, Berlin and Stockholm. Protest
organizer Balazs Nemes blamed Hungary's whole political class for the country's
problems and issued some fiery rhetoric that said in part, “We are not here to
bury a government but to bury a system." Yes, but where were your symbolic
shovel and staged grave? Gotta think bigger, people………
- This is the most un-rock-star thing ever for a musician. Chemical
Brothers member Ed Simons is supposed to be a master on the mixer, a man who
runs a badass board and creates electro rock that gets the Ecstasy-loving, er,
glow stick-wearing masses going and peaking on whatever illegal substances that
may or may not be coursing through their bodies. So why then is this fool
ditching the life of a touring recording star for….academia? "I have
committed to academic pursuits over the last few years so I won't be able to be
part of the live show. It’s been a really difficult decision but it doesn’t
work for me to be away from home for the periods of time touring requires,”
Simons said in announcing his plans to stop touring as a part of Chemical
Brothers. “The academic work I’m continuing with is too meaningful for me to
break from right now. I’m really excited to see how the new show looks and on
the plus side, one day I will get to see a Chemical Brothers show from the
audience’s perspective.” Nice spin job, amigo, but unless you’re reinventing
the law of relativity of finding ways to cure Ebola using common household
products, then what you’re doing cannot possibly be a better option than making
so-so music that requires little traditional musical ability and then playing
shows to people who are so high that you could hit a drum over and over again
for two hours and they’d think it was a bitchin’ show. Sure, his doesn’t mean
that Chemical Brothers are splitting or will not appear together in the future,
but making a new album and DJ-ing together just won't be the same. The Simons
and Tom Rowlands are working on mixing their first new album since 2010, but a
dark pall is now hanging over the entire endeavor………
- Find someone you can do well and make money doing it, even
if it’s totally ridiculous and pathetic. Cuddle Up To Me owner Samantha Hess has found her calling and it’s
situated in a place that’s home to scores and scores of misfits, kooks, weirdos
and freaks. In other words, it’s in Portland, Oregon. Hess’ business is exactly
what it sounds like and that is truly sad. She offers who she claims to be professional
cuddling services at her shop near 10th and East Burnside and if you believe
this quasi-dry-humping freak, her business has quickly found its niche. “This
business has taken off,” Hess said. “I've gotten as many as 10,000 emails in a
week.” From whence did the idea to make money having people come into a store
to lie on a mattress with someone being paid to spoon with them come? That’s a
funny story that originates way back in 2013. “I was at a place where I thought
paying someone to hug me and not have ulterior motives sounded like a great
idea,” Hess added. “I decided why can't this be a thing that we can easily and
safely reach for?” Just a heads up, but if you’re at a place in life where
paying for hugs seems like a good idea, then clearly your life has not gone the
way you’d hoped. It’s also a sign that you have no friends and are probably a
pretty awful person. Prior to having her own location, Hess would go
spoon-whoring to wherever her clients were, but now she has a studio with four
themed rooms with cameras. People actually pay $60 an hour for this crap and
some don’t even want physical contact. They’ll just come in, sit down and read
with Hess for an hour. In other words, she’s found people more pathetic than
she is and business is so brisk that she now has three women to work under her
tutelage and learn the art of platonic touching. This just keeps getting better………
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