Cynic Central: November 2014

Sunday, November 30, 2014

The death of UAB football, African rebels become politicians and $100,000 Burger King backpacks

- Lots of money bounces around the San Jose, California area. However, it rarely bounces into a backpack that is accidentally left at a Burger King. Such was the case over the weekend, when an assistant manager spotted a bag filled with $100,000 and somehow managed to forget that she was an assistant manager at Burger King long enough to do the right thing and turn it in to police. pot the blue backpack, abandoned in a booth at the Burger King on North Bascom Avenue in San Jose. "I twice cleaned, like two or three times cleaned the tables and it's still here," assistant manager Sahista Bakawla said. "I waited until 3 p.m. and nobody came here." When no one came to claim the bag, Bakawla called her store’s owner and he opened he bag in the hopes of finding information leading back to the bag’s rightful owner. "I open the zipper, I see lots of money, cash money, $100 bills stack up like half the bag, money," Burger King owner Altaf Chaus said. "I said, 'Wow! Today's my birthday, this is my birthday gift.'" Being the fast food magnate he is, Chaus immediately called police. "I've been in this country 26 years and I worked two jobs for 15 years before I bought this Burger King," Chaus said. "So I'm a very hard working man. I don't want that money, maybe it belongs to somebody." Seriously? The “I’m an immigrant who had to grind to get where I am and insist on doing things the right way” defense? Had Chaus and Bakawla looked closer, they might have seen candy, a little bit of marijuana and a bank deposit slip inside and at least gotten high for their troubles. Police are now trying to track down the backpack’s rightful stoner, er, owner……….

- Tyler, The Creator does what he can to stay relevant. For a rapper, even a wildly overrated one, there is nothing guaranteed to keep you in the spotlight quite like dissing a rapper who is more famous, talented and successful than you are. Enter Eminem and his new album “Shady XV,” marking Eminem’s 15 years of operating his Shady Records imprint and spanning two discs. Tyler, The Creator tried to outrun one of the fundamental truths of the Internet last week, tweeting an extremely negative comment about Eminem’s new album and then trying to pretend like it never happened by deleting said tweet. I love you Marshall, you are my favorite rapper, but dude ‘ShadyXV’ is fucking ASS,” Tyler, The Creator tweeted. "Hahaha, why won’t someone who loves him tell him NO." It was an odd remark from the leader of Odd Future after his ragtag outfit supported Eminem on tour this summer, including dates in Ireland, Australia and two nights at Wembley Stadium in London. The comment also came after Tyler, The Creator used a regrettable STD-based analogy to describe music fans waking up one Tuesday morning in September to find that U2’s newest album had been automatically downloaded to their iTunes account. Mix in an arrest earlier this year at South By Southwest in Austin, Texas, for allegedly inciting a riot and it’s been an admirable year of doing outlandish things to garner attention for a man who might have surpassed all of his peers when it comes to self-promotion by any means possible not involving his own actual musical talent……….

- Way to quit on your crusade, quitters of a Christian militia in Central African Republic. This group of white-flag wavers says it is abandoning its armed fight and transforming itself into a political party, which could not be a bigger letdown under any circumstances. The country has been rocked by violence since the mostly Muslim Seleka rebel coalition toppled the president last year, but they proved to be little better than the man whose power they usurped. Widespread human rights abuses committed by Seleka spurred the formation of the anti-Balaka Christian militia, sparking sectarian fighting that has forced hundreds of thousands of Muslim civilians to flee to neighboring countries. In other words, it’s how the world has worked for hundreds of years and nothing has changed - except when quitters are involved. Worse still, this flip-flop from fearsome fighting force to bureaucratic butt kissers happened at a news conference of militia members in which Patrice Edouard Ngaissona, their national coordinator, announced that the militia would, from now on, only fight through political means. That’s Grade-A weak sauce, Pat. It sounds nice for the cameras, but it’s not winning anything of worth and you vowing that any member who continues to carry out attacks will be brought to justice isn’t impressing anyone. A U.N. peacekeeping force is trying to restore stability in Central African Republic and that’s fine because no one respects the U.N., but now they don’t respect you either…………

- Well this is a cheerful way to end a college football season. The University of Alabama-Birmingham (UAB) wildly exceeded expectations this season, finishing 6-6 and becoming eligible for a bowl game. If they’re picked for a bowl, it may be the last time anyone sees the Blazers suit up on the gridiron. UAB coach Bill Clark said Sunday, a day after his team’s regular season came to a close, that he believes the program is about to take a burning slug to the back of the head. "I think it's going to happen," said Clark, who led UAB to a 6-6 record in his first season at the school. "Unless something changes before the weekend ends, I think it's over. I think the odds are very high it ends this week. To shut the doors? That's sad." There’s nothing quite like taking over a program, leading it to a non-losing season that no one expected and then have meetings with school and Conference USA officials about the end being not just near, but here. UAB commissioned a university-wide strategic planning initiative to evaluate various issues surrounding the program and despite Clark’s efforts in improving the product on the field, improving the program’s academic ratings with the NCAA and securing financial pledges from independent resources to help with much-needed improvements in areas like facilities. His hard work seems to have hit a brick wall, as school officials wanted to rein in work on any future commitments, including any contract extension for Clark. "I feel for these players," Clark said "They committed to this school. And the fans. We've had some great support." The wheels appear to be in motion for myriad changes, as athletic director Brian Mackin and the school have discussed a separation agreement and could part ways soon. If all of this is going on so soon after the final game, then the financial picture is clearly bleaker and more dire than anyone is letting on……….

The death of UAB football, African rebels become politicians and $100,000 Burger King backpacks

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Raging sheep protests, Jurassic World outrage and helping MLB's needy

- This holiday season, it’s great to hear news of the least fortunate among us getting help when they need it most. Nowhere is the truer than in Major League Baseball, where the sport’s bottom-rung players are getting a pay raise so they can afford another 70-inch LED television for their other guest bedroom. Yes, MLB’s minimum salary is rising to $507,500 next year from $500,000 because of a provision in the sport’s collective bargaining agreement that calls for a cost-of-living adjustment based on the yearly increase through October of the Consumer Price Index for Urban Wage Earners and Clerical Workers, rounded to the nearest $500. Even better, there’s going to be another such adjustment for the minimum in 2016, the final season of the labor contract. That means the short-timers trying to cling to a spot on an MLB roster and wondering how they're going to stretch half a million dollars out to make ends meet for a while longer will have enough disposable income to dine at a couple more four-star restaurants and afford the premium accessories package on their new sports car. The news even extends to the minors, where the minimum for a player signing a second major league contract goes up to $82,700 from $81,500 and the minor league minimum for a player signing an initial big league contract rises to $41,400 from $40,750. In a world where prices on everything from toothpaste to tofu are always on the rise, those living on the lower rungs of the income ladder clearly need all of the help they can get and MLB is doing what it can to address those needs………

- Did no one think of Michigan before getting all hyped up about strengthening Environmental Protection Agency standards for ground-level smog? After all, the one state in the nation most likely to hit up neighboring states for a loan because it’s broke and the bank is about to foreclose on the house is heavily dependent on industry for its few remaining businesses and while cracking down on the key pollutant leading to smoggy summer days sounds awesome, it would also make life incredibly difficult on manufacturers who comprise the core of the state’s enterprise. The proposed revision would reduce allowable ozone emissions from 75 parts per billion to a range between 65 and 70 parts per billion, with the possibility of reducing the level to as low as 60 parts per billion. "Bringing ozone pollution standards in line with the latest science will clean up our air, improve access to crucial air quality information and protect those most at-risk," EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy said in a statement. That has the Michigan Manufacturers Association uneasy and warning that such a reduction will come with a high cost. "It's going to cost jobs; it's going to increase the cost of energy," said Andrew Such, the association's director of environmental and regulatory policy. Ahead of the EPA announcement, the National Association of Manufacturers commissioned a self-serving study that found a reduction of the standard to 60 parts per billion would cost Michigan 83,000 jobs and a reduction of $75 billion in gross state product from 2017 to 2040, Such said. Yes, but summer days when broke-ass Detroit residents can stroll outside in the middle of the day because they were laid off last month and enjoy breathing semi-clean air in the abandoned streets of ghost towns that used to be full of people is worth the cost, right? Besides, the EPA estimates that every dollar spent to comply with the new standard will result in $3 of health benefits, so it’s all about whose stats you believe in……….

- Simmer down, Jurassic Park enthusiasts. The next, long-awaited sequel in a franchise that should have stayed dead just like the dinosaurs who are at the heart of its bizarre world of resequenced DNA doesn’t drop until next year, but even the release of a trailer that failed to live up to expectations was enough to send scores of Twitter trolls looking to bash everyone associated with the project. The chief target of that drastically overblown ire is the director of “Jurassic World,” Colin Trevorrow. The guy in the big chair and with the mash-up of a last name found himself in an unfortunate spot this week, defending, of all things, the park gate that appears briefly in the film's trailer. Yes, there are ass hats who are up in arms over a split-second shot of a park gate that didn’t look quite right. The full-length trailer for “Jurassic World” was released on Tuesday and rather than appreciate that it was ready to view several days earlier than originally expected, a few haters went against the grain and that the gate to the Jurassic World theme park seen in the trailer is butt-ugly and less realistic-looking than it should be. Their high standards aside, most who viewed the trailer gave it positive reviews. One fan tweeted Trevorrow about it, asking, "Will the JW gate in the movie be CGI or practical? Everything was so seamless in the original. Trevmorrow took the chance to clear up the drama, letting fans know that the gate in the trailer was part of the trailer and nothing more, so they need not get their basement-dwelling, no-friend-having knickers in a bunch. Just think what these bonafide tools will have to say when they see the actual movie and can break it down frame by frame like it’s the freaking Zapruder film……….

- Rage, rage against the machine….with sheep? It’s kind of Europe’s thing these days, but typically the protest comes in Spain and it comes in the form of shepherds leading their flock along an ancient migration route that takes them through the heart of Madrid and seeks to call attention to the urban sprawl that has disrupted the shepherds’ way of life. Today, the protest is a bit more stationary and it’s in France, where disgruntled farmers have brought their sheep to the Eiffel Tower to protest wolf attacks and what they deem to be the government's anti-farmer environmental policies. It’s ironic because the regime of President Francois Hollande has enraged the country’s most affluent citizens by allegedly targeting them unfairly with higher taxes, but apparently the administration is also pissing off the little guy. Oh, and if the wolf attacks are a problem, why not handle it directly with the wolves rather than penning your woolly charges in a grassy area near the Eiffel Tower? The government is on the record as saying that its existing plan on preventing attacks and compensating farmers is sufficient, but that they must balance those concerns with protections for wolves. This week’s protest came as Hollande spoke at an environmental meeting about plans for cleaner energy and France's plans to host the U.N. Climate Change Conference next year. Protester Franck Dieny said the government’s sheep-related policies “don't recognize ... the role we play maintaining the landscape" that so many visitors to France appreciate. So are you looking for your own monument or do you just want dudes with guns – not normally a French specialty – on every hillside in the country, looking to pick off hungry wolves………

Friday, November 28, 2014

The Cuban realignment plan, Scott Stapp is rusted and weathered and broke and Serbian lawyers on strike

- How do you pick a side in a fight where both sides are truly loathsome? Trick question. You don’t pick either side to root for and instead, you simply cheer for chaos and for both sides to suffer as much as possible before the drama is resolved. Such is life in Serbia, where the nation’s striking lawyers are asking for European Union help to resolve a three-month old dispute with the government that has brought the judiciary in the Balkan country to a grinding halt. The timing couldn’t be worse, as Serbia is making its latest push to join the EU, and the union probably isn't too eager to welcome in yet another nation in turmoil where hundreds of angry people are staging rallies outside the government headquarters vowing to persist in their demands for lower taxes and changes to the newly-established notary service. Serbia's Bar Association went on strike over its demands in mid-September, slamming the brakes on thousands of cases in the already overburdened court system. The ramipercussions of the strike have been immense, including inmates in pre-trial detention complaining they were spending more time behind bars than necessary. As would be expected with lawyers on one side of a debate and ass-hatted bureaucrats on the other side, negotiations to end the impasse have made little progress and after the most recent round of talks failed, the head of the Bar Association, Dragoljub Djordjevich, announced plans to travel to Brussels to seek intervention from the EU. Hope the flight is a pleasant one, D-squared, and make sure to enjoy a Belgian waffle and some tasty frites because it’s not as if there is anything pressing going on back home……….

- Scott Stapp is rusted and weathered….and apparently flat broke. The sanctimonious frontman for tired and played arena rock band Creed has become a punchline over the years because of his preachy ways combined with a penchant for drugs and booze, plus the fact that the canned music his group cranks out could scarcely suck more. Yet it wasn’t until this week that Stapp reached rock bottom, or at least his lowest point to date. Stapp posted a video on Facebook in which he appeared disheveled and said he was broke, had been homeless in recent weeks and was trying to figure out where all of his money want. In the video, labeled "Scott Stapp of Creed, Public Statement #1," Stapp is disturbingly placid while talking almost nonstop and smacking his lips for 16 interminable minutes. The name of the video is exciting because it suggests there are more of these videos to come and therefore, the implosion of a self-righteous rock star will be documented for all of us to see. The video is in black and white and has a filter applied to give it a grainy, amateurish appearance. In it, Stapp spins a wild theory in which there is a "pretty vicious attack" aimed at ruining his reputation with rumors he says are unfounded. He allegedly conducted his own financial audit once rumors about him began to spread and has undergone weekly blood and urine tests to prove he is "sober as can be." In Stapp’s twisted world view, the campaign to discredit him started, after he discovered "a lot of money was stolen from me, or royalties not paid, and that's when all hell began to break loose, so I think you guys are smart enough to put two and two together." Who are the chief suspects? Stapp blames unnamed individuals, the IRS and his banks for his money problems. He goes on to muse on his faith and how his children are being "embarrassed and humiliated" by people who are "not their father." Sadly, they’re also being embarrassed and humiliated by dear old dad too………

- Is America ready to tackle smog? Probably not, but that didn’t stop the Obama administration from unveiling an ambitious plan this week, a plan it claims would improve public health by slashing the ozone pollution that causes smog. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Administrator Gina McCarthy laid out the plan, labeling it a ground-level ozone standard that was vital to bring agency rules in line with the latest science to protect the nation’s most vulnerable citizens from the multitude of respiratory illnesses brought on by poor air conditions. “Bringing ozone pollution standards in line with the latest science will clean up our air, improve access to crucial air quality information, and protect those most at-risk,” McCarthy said in a statement. “It empowers the American people with updated air quality information to protect our loved ones — because whether we work or play outdoors — we deserve to know the air we breathe is safe.” Amazingly, the proposal was quickly denounced by critics as too costly and realizing that would be the case, the EPA had a ready response. The agency countered that the proposal's costs, saying that many other recent regulations, such as those on vehicle fuels, will reduce ozone and help states meet the standards. That indirect answer doesn’t seem to actually address the cost concerns, but it does leave America in a familiar place: ‘twixt the needed to stop polluting and the realization that doing so is a costly pain in the ass that no one really wants to deal with. If the past is any indication, the opposing sides of this debate will hurl ugly accusations at each other and nothing will actually be done about it………

- The best and brightest minds in any sport or industry are the ones who come up with the ideas and concepts necessary to move the world forward. Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has made a sh*t-ton of money in various businesses and achieved a fair amount of success with his NBA team, so he clearly has plenty of those ideas. If one of those ideas happens to be incredibly self-serving and designed to help him chase his second NBA title in more favorable conditions, does that necessarily make it a bad idea? Let’s take a closer look. Cuban, like everyone else in and around the Association, sees the tremendous discrepancy between the league’s two conferences. The Western Conference is stocked with some of the league’s best teams and last season, the Mavericks were the West's eighth seed with a 49-33 record last season. That would have earned them a No. 3 seed in the East, along with a much easier road to the Finals. Instead, they were dispatched in the first round and their owner was left to cook up a plan under which they could score a sequel to their lone title in 2011. Now, Cuban has it. He suggests a conference realignment that would result in a total of eight teams, including the Mavs, switching conferences. The Cuban Plan calls for the Mavericks, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Rockets and New Orleans Pelicans to move to the Eastern Conference, switching places with the Chicago Bulls, Indiana Pacers, Detroit Pistons and Milwaukee Bucks. Cuban admitted that he has selfish reasons for the plan, but insists it would benefit the league. "It's not like you're reducing competition," Cuban said. "You keep Cleveland, Washington and other good teams in the East. It kind of shakes things up in terms of not just interest but also in terms of how people rebuild.” The geography of the names, given these proposed changes, would be questionable, but new commissioner Adam Silver has been receptive to ideas that would address the issue of the West much, much better than the East. This plan challenges that willingness in a compelling way……….

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Aussies are hard to hate, Russians push a frozen plane and Mac DeMarco's musical thearpy

- Russia may be ruled by a despotic dictator with a disturbing affinity for mounting large quadrupeds while shirtless, but it’s still a nation of tough people willing to roll up their sleeves, battle the cold and get dirty when life calls for it. Even in the northern reaches of the country, where the gulag mentality is still part of the cultural fabric, the frigid conditions aren't enough to break a plane full of badass Russians. A Russian-made Tu-134 with 74 oil workers and seven crew members onboard was preparing to take off from the town of Ingarka on Tuesday to Krasnoyarsk 800 miles to the south, but it had a bit of a problem. Specifically, the plane's chassis breaks literally froze to the ground. That can happen when it’s -61 degrees Fahrenheit outside and conditions are too frigid for even a polar bear. With their plane frozen to the ground and a burning desire to fly south to (relatively) warmer climates to see their families, the passengers were eager to do what they could to get the flight off the ground. Several dozen men hopped off the plane and as seen in an eyewitness video of the incident, they leaned on the wings and pushed the plane to dislodge it from the place from whence it had frozen. It was an heroic feat and yet, not everyone was sufficiently impressed. Russian authorities were enraged by the incident and prosecutors launched an investigation into a possible breach of safety regulations. "It would be funny if it didn't pose a horrendous threat. People could have damaged the aircraft skin and the flaps," said Oksana Gorbunova, senior adviser to the West Siberian transportation prosecutor. Gorbunova said the passengers were asked to leave the plane when it got stuck. When a tractor began towing the airliner, some of the passengers left a bus and tried to help move it. "The plane was towed, of course, because it would be physically impossible for people (to move it)," Gorbunova said. Yes, but you don’t know if you don’t try (or understand basic physics), O……..

- It’s tough to stay mad at the Aussies. They’re a freaking party wherever they go in the world, they always have a beer in their hand and they like to fight. In other words, they’re that insane friend you always want around but are half-terrified when they’re in the house because the potential for sh*t to go sideways is omnipresent. Basketball's governing body understands how loveable the blokes from Down Under can be and that probably explains much of why FIBA decided that Australia did not deliberately lose a World Cup game to delay playing the United States. FIBA secretary general Patrick Baumann says the association’s investigation "cleared Australia of violating the internal regulations” even though the organization previously said what everyone was thinking when it announced that it "widely suspected" that Australia lost on purpose to Angola, 91-83, in order to avoid facing the eventual champion U.S. until the semifinals. The ploy sort of work because Slovenia finished above Australia in the group and lost in the quarterfinals to the U.S., but Australia ended up losing to Turkey in the second round anyhow. Losing by eight points to Angola clearly should not have happened and doing so took some, um, intentional suckage, yet here’s FIBA announcing that it "can count on Basketball Australia to wholeheartedly endorse the principles of fair play and ethical behavior." Perhaps a few late nights at bars and parties in Sydney, Brisbane and Adelaide were enough to talk FIBA off its hard-line stance while warning that any future match manipulation can lead to "suspensions, substantial fines, reprimands or warnings." Oh no, not reprimands and warnings……….

- When does a party really become a party? When it begins as a children’s birthday party and ends with a 5-year-old boy popping pain pills and being rushed to the hospital, that’s when. In Denton, Texas, that’s precisely what happened after a birthday party with a piñata became a reason to dial 911. It all started when a boy at his friend’s fifth birthday celebration was looking on as the piñata was smashed and gave up its sugary contents, with a major surprise in their midst. “There was the one little box of candy that I saw fall and he went and grabbed it,” said the boy’s mother, Brisa Ochoa. “It was very colorful. I would have never thought that it had anything else in it besides candy.” Her son, Damien, picked up that curious-looking box of candy and without giving it too much though, popped one of the candies into his mouth. He complained about the small sphere’s taste and his mother took a closer look. “I was like, ‘Oh my gosh this is a pill,’” Brisa Ochoa said. “Everyone went into a instant panic like, ‘Oh my gosh, check your candy!'” Rather than Trolli Sour Brite Eggs, little Damien had ingested a Hydrocodone pill that was inside the box. He only took one pill or the impact could have been worse, but Denton Police are looking into the incident and said the homeowner who had the birthday party wasn’t involved. Investigators are attempting to determine where the pills came from, who they belong to and how the came to be inside the piñata, but this could open up so many possibilities going forward. How much fun would that next rave or black-light party be if you could buy a piñata filled with Ecstasy or Vicodin? Tweakers would love the idea of whacking a brightly colored item and having mystery pills fall out for their raving pleasure………

- Music can be therapy for the soul and not just for listeners. It can help the tormented soul of a musician unleash their inner turmoil and exorcise their demons, much like the way rapper Mac DeMarco did with his new album, “Salad Days.” DeMarco says the album was influenced by the struggles of life on tour and played a part in him learning to “"stop being a little butthole." The album features a major change in tone from his previous effort, “LP 2,” and according to DeMarco, his time on the road is a major reason why. “I didn’t have anything to be frustrated about before, but for this record, touring is pretty sweet, but it’s slowly killing me with all the alcohol and it’s pretty insane,’” he said. Recording the album pushed him out of a self-professed slump and its upbeat vibe was both deliberate and carefully crafted. "This record’s purpose was to bring the spirits up. It did for me, take all this stuff you’re feeling and then pop yourself out of the slump," he said. "When I’m complaining, it starts off like, ‘Oh boy, I’m tired’, but then halfway through the songs the chorus comes in like, ‘Shut up you little prick, you’re able to go round the world playing shows!’ I’m stopping myself being a little butthole.” Eight months after the album’s release and with widespread critical acclaim for the project, it seems DeMarco has accomplished his aims and made himself a nice chunk of change in the process. Hooray for music plus capitalism………

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Stealing Holocaust shoes, Phil Jackson Twitter wisdom and $35,000 Thanksgiving meals

- This isn't the way a music career is supposed to work, right? As an artist progresses, releases one great album after another and wins award on top of award, the crowds that show up for their concerts should get bigger. That’s not the current trajectory of folk icon Bob Dylan, who is both a musical legend and a pop culture figure at his late stage in life, yet recently played a concert for just one person at Philadelphia's Academy Of Music. The concert was for self-proclaimed “superfan” and Swedish song lover Fredrik Wikingsson, who sat alone in the second row – because the first row would have just made things uncomfortable for everyone – and enjoyed the concert as part of a Swedish film series called Experiment Ensam (Experiment Alone), in which one person is able to take part in an experience normally only open to large groups of people. The series has also made stops at comedy clubs and karaoke nights, but this was one of the few involving a musical legend. Dylan performed with his band and spun some of his own tunes as well as covers of Buddy Holly’s “Heartbeat” and Fats Domino’s “Blueberry Hill.” The night was a resounding success from Wikingsson’s point of view and really, he’s the only one who matters here. "I was smiling so much it was like I was on ecstasy. My jaw hurt for hours afterwards because I couldn't stop smiling,” he said. And how would you know what it’s like to be on X, bro? The bigger question is what happened when Wikingsson needed a restroom break or if he decided to return a few text messages mid-show. Did the entire concert stop because, ya know, there was no one listening? Quite the concept……….

- New York is not a place where food for the masses is a prevailing theme. There are a few select locations where affordable grub is on the menu, but there can't be a hot dog cart on every corner. Wait….there is a hot dog cart on every corner? Even so, vastly overpriced food outweighs cheap eats and nowhere is that more apparent than a trendy joint known as the Old Homestead restaurant. Old Homestead is looking forward to Thanksgiving tomorrow and in the spirit of the holiday, it will be serving up a truly cheap meal that retails for a modest $35,000 for a party of four – just $8,750 a person. Marc Sherry, co-owner of the restaurant for 40 years, said the traditional Thanksgiving meal was a "dinner without any personality." That reeks of condescension and dismissive thinking, but let’s give Sherry a chance to explain. "So, what we've accomplished is to give the most outrageous, over-the-top Thanksgiving experience for a party of four that we could think up,” Sherry said. What does $35,000 – or about $34,980 too much – buy? A nine-course meal that includes an appetizer of squab stuffed with rich foie gras soaked in a 5,000 bottle of Courvoisier L'Esprit Cognac, roasted farm-raised organic turkey over a stuffed dressing of seven pounds of $200/lb. imported ground Japanese Wagyu filet mignon, mashed potatoes with $200/lb. Swedish moose cheese, whipped sweet potatoes topped with $1,600/oz. Royal Osetra 000 caviar and much more. There’s also grandstand seating at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, a $6,000 gift card for a shopping spree at Bloomingdale's, limousine service and dance lessons to learn the Turkey Trot at Fred Astair Dance Studios. Amazingly, two of the dinners have already sold and for the schmucks who don’t have that kind of cash, the restaurant will also serve a traditional Thanksgiving meal for $65 per person………

- The New York Knicks are a dumpster fire of basketball awfulness. They are one of the worst teams in the NBA, they have a first-year head coach who probably wouldn’t be having any more success with his sh*t-pie recipe of a roster if he were an 11-time NBA champion head coach like, say, his boss, an actual 11-time NBA champion head coach. Yes, Derek Fisher is struggling in his first stint coaching an NBA team and his team is winning at a 25-percent clip that is a huge surprise to exactly no one outside the Knicks’ team offices and probably to very few people inside of them or within the locker room. So with the team limping along, star forward Carmelo Anthony currently out of commission thanks to a balky back and a brutal road trip going on, what would that aforementioned 11-time NBA champion head coach and current team president have for his squad as they try to get their season turned around? How about an eight-word tweet in which he dispenses the sort of wisdom you can only get from a pot-smoking, teepee-dwelling, peyote-dropping, Native American philosophy-embracing, Harley-riding hippie who is currently making $12 million a season to….um….do something presidential for one of the NBA’s most iconic franchises. Take it away Big Chief Triangle, a.k.a. Basketball Hall of Famer Phil Jackson. Jackson delivered this message to his troops this week: “@nyknicks go get some road wins this week.” Annnnd end tweet. Really, really well done and truly motivational words. This will clearly be the moment when it all turns around and life becomes but a dream for the Knickerbockers……….

- Seriously, unidentified thief/all-around scumbag who recently made a visit to a Polish Holocaust museum and came away with eight unauthorized souvenirs that should land him or her in prison for sheer d-baggery at a minimum. Give it up for a grade-A ass hat who stolen eight shoes that once belonged to Holocaust victims from the former concentration camp Majdanek in Poland, now a state-run museum. According to Polish authorities, the theft occurred between Nov. 18 and Nov. 20, when a museum employee discovered that a metal net that protected an exhibit of shoes had been cut and the shoes were missing. In other words, this wasn’t some crime of opportunity where a person stumbled across some artifacts that were being moved from one location to another and were temporarily left unattended. This person brought tools to the camp with the intention of breaking into the exhibit and thieving items that belonged to people who lost their lives at a camp where scores of Jews were murdered by the Nazis. Maybe the thief thought no one would notice their chicanery, as the exhibit consists of 56,000 shoes that belonged to Jews killed at the death camp, which was operated by Nazi Germany in occupied Poland during World War II. Or maybe this a-hole thought very little of the exhibit, similar to those found at Auschwitz and other Holocaust memorial sites, and their mission to give viewers a sense of the huge proportion of the Nazi crimes. All in all, a moment for all of humanity to feel truly horrible about its collective self…………

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Strippers for the needy, Xavier Henry wins big and Joni Mitchell hates Taylor Swift

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- Not everyone is a fan of the pre-packaged pop music sweetheart currently taking over the pop culture world. Taylor Swift is literally everywhere these days on the Internet and news magazine shows, but she could have been even more places if not for a true rock icon. Joni Mitchell, who released her final studio album “Shine” in 2007 and dropped a cash grab/remastered greatest hits collection featuring 53 songs from her highly acclaimed career on Nov. 17, has revealed as part of a shameless attempt to build interest in her hits collection that she brought a potential biopic of her life with Swift as the star to a screeching halt back in 2012. Long before Swift was looking to shake it off, she was apparently in line to play the part of Mitchell in “Girls Like Us,” a film adaptation of Sheila Weller's book examining the impact Mitchell and 1970s peers Carole King and Carly Simon had on the industry. The project quietly went away and there was never much of an explanation offered – until now. “"I squelched that. I said to the producer, 'All you've got is a girl with high cheekbones,’” Mitchell said. “It's just a lot of gossip, you don't have the great scenes." Wow….that’s a very disrespectful statement about a girl who hasn’t proven that she has a lot to offer beyond a well-manufactured persona, a willingness to play her life’s drama out through her pop songs and high cheekbones. Part of Mitchell’s anger seems to be directed more at various beliefs and speculations about who she is, speculations she believes are way off base. "There's a lot of nonsense about me in books," Mitchell added, "assumptions, assumptions, assumptions." Glad you could set those straight, J……….

- Swiss neutrality and unwillingness to take a firm stand on much of anything truly know no bounds. For example, you might think a nation would want no part of a long-hidden art bequeathed to one of its museums by a collector with Nazi ties. You would be wrong, at least in the case of Switzerland's Kunstmuseum Bern, which agreed on Monday to accept a priceless collection of it by German collector Cornelius Gurlitt. Museum officials said they would work with German officials to ensure any pieces looted by the Nazis from Jewish owners are returned, but that might be a bit difficult. Back in 2012, German authorities seized 1,280 pieces from Gurlitt's apartment while investigating a tax case, including works by Pablo Picasso and Marc Chagall. Gurlitt shuffled off this mortal coil in May and oddly enough, designated the museum as his sole heir. That’s a strong indication he lacked any real friends or loved ones and yet, the museum wasn’t sure it would accept what had been bequeathed to it. The museum's president, Christoph Schaeublin, explained that Kunstmuseum Bern had decided to accept the collection after long, difficult deliberations. "The ultimate aim was to clarify how the Kunstmuseum Bern could meet the responsibilities imposed upon them by the bequest," Schaeublin said. Late in his life, Gurlitt seemed to develop something of a soul and struck a deal with the German government to check whether hundreds of the works were looted from Jewish owners by the Nazis. Because that deal is binding on any heirs, there will be an extensive effort to determine to whom each work belongs before it goes to the museum. A task force will handle the search and if no owner can be found for a looted piece, the agreement calls for the work to be exhibited in Germany with an explanation of its origins so the "rightful owners will have the opportunity to submit their claims." Still, stolen Nazi art in Switzerland has a rather ironic ring to it, eh……….

- Congratulations, Xavier Henry. You’ve cashed in a winning lottery ticket and you don’t even fully realize it yet. Yes, this sounds like an inherently contradictory statement. Sure, Henry suffered a season-ending Achilles’ tendon rupture Monday, becoming the third Los Angeles Lakers player to be lost for the season. That would seem like a bad thing, but step back and reconsider the picture. Henry may well have played his final game for a team that is 3-11 and destined for one of the worst seasons in franchise history. The Lakers are a smoldering tire fire of a team that will bring shame to all the franchise has ever been and they have a great look at 65 or more losses this season. So does Henry want to continue grinding away, trying to regain his past explosion after fighting through knee injuries over the past two seasons when the ultimate prize is a bench spot in what will go down as one of the most embarrassing campaigns ever in the Association? Or does he want to get paid to rehab his wounded stick, not be on the court for any of the 50-plus losses to come and not have the stink of those losses sinking into every fiber of his clothing and through every pore in his body? Option B sounds pretty solid and now he can hang out in the training room with fellow injured Lakers Steve Nash and Julius Randle for the season. According to the Lakers, Henry was taking part in non-contact, three-on-three drills in practice when the tendon snapped. He underwent an MRI to confirm the injury and in his stead, the Lakers were granted a disabled-player exception of $1.5 million to acquire a player before March 10. So really, everybody wins here, except for the Lakers on the court, because wins aren't really in the forecast for them this season………..

- Strippers have hearts too. They may not have hearts of gold like Julia Roberts as a hooker in “Pretty Woman,” but they care…about more than feeding their burgeoning coke habits and whether or not the brass pole is properly secured to the stage. If there’s going to be any place where that sort of oddity actually takes place, it has to be the bizarro world of Portland, Oregon. That’s precisely where a group of strippers, er, uh, exotic dancers is working to help out some of the city’s homeless and needy are bundled up this holiday season. Last year, the strippers began a grassroots charity effort they brilliantly dubbed Nude For The Needy. NFTN did well enough in its first year to bring it back again and it’s already producing positive results in the most ironic way. Women who take it off for a living have already collected enough clothing for 22 people. Nude For The Needy creator Soren High, who holds the esteemed title of Portland Stripper of the Year for 2012 but has retired from the business because, um, who knows why, still works with active strippers to make the charity happen. “I was homeless for two years, lived under Hawthorne Bridge,” she said. “I remember people came by with blankets and sandwiches. You want to feel cared for around the holidays.” Today, volunteers for the clothing drive will take what has been collected and distribute it around town to those in need. Then, they can get back to the club and get back to disrobing for money……..

Monday, November 24, 2014

Yes means yes, Vlad Putin tells more lies and Olympic athletes must rise early

- After backup quarterback Colt McCoy led the Washington professional football team to an unexpected win earlier this season and a media member attempted an unauthorized on-field interview with him after the game, a Washington PR flack angrily screamed, “NO MEANS NO!” and quashed the interview before it began. The state of New Jersey is considering going to the other extreme when it comes to individuals getting together and sexing it up. As a national debate bubbles up over the idea of "yes means yes" — more accurately called affirmative consent — the Garden State is weighing a new measure to require college campuses to define when "yes means yes" in an effort to stop sexual assaults. Such policies aren't necessarily proven to stop rape, but colleges and universities across the United States are under pressure to do something, anything and everything they can to make any possible impact. California adopted a similar measure in August, New York is headed in that direction and New Hampshire is strongly considering the change. Supporters of such laws claim it will push students to talk openly and clearly about sex and will be more effective than the “no means no” mantra that has ruled in previous years. However, critics claim the “yes means yes” laws don’t offer sufficient protections for the accuser and accused alike. It could, they claim, shift the burden of proof unfairly to the accused and since breaking out the iPhone or calling a witness into the room pre-boot-knocking to have them witness your prospective partner’s consent is sometimes tough to pull off, all kind of headaches are possible. No one is denying that sexual assaults on campus are a growing problem, with reports of forcible sexual offenses on campus nationally rising from 3,443 in 2011 to 4,062 last year. What to do about it is the point where the various sides in the debate diverge……….

- This is going to seriously cut down on the late-night sexing for many athletes at the Olympic Village at the Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro in 2016. The village is typically a place where the allotment of condoms is used up multiple times before the Games are even halfway over and where late-night boozing is as much of a sport as anything happening on the field, court or track, but enjoying the extracurricular activities will be much more difficult for at least a few competitors in Brazil in about 18 months. The International Association of Athletics Federations, the ruling body of world athletics, has announced plans to stage finals during the morning sessions of its program at the 2016 Olympics in Rio. Morning finals have not been a part of the Summer Olympics since the 1988 Games in Seoul, and with good reason. For various reasons, many of them related to alcohol, sex and other late-night fun, the world’s elite athletes tend not to be at their best before noon. It’s why professional and international sporting events are almost never held before noon, but 13 events in Rio will have morning finals. The group that will suffer the most is runners, as eight of those morning finals will be track and field, including five on the road, with three walking races and the two marathons. One might argue that runners are crazy anyway and shouldn’t complain about waking up early anyhow, but it just seems like a d-bag move by the IAAF, which actually made an unrelated kind gesture during the same meeting when its executive council also decided to give provisional membership to the world’s newest nation, South Sudan……….

- Good news and bad news, Russia. You’re still ruled by a tyrannical fascist who likes shirtless horseback rides, stages photo ops with animals he didn’t actually kill and antagonizing the rest of the world by invading countries that don’t belong to him. Now, for the bad news. Vlad Putin isn't going away any time soon and worse still, he’s selling bullsh*t stories about how long he’s going to remain in power. In a canned interview with a Russian state news agency, the unofficial dictator said he won't remain Russia's president for life and will step down in line with the constitution no later than 2024. As Putin tells it, staying beyond his 72nd year on this planet would be "detrimental for the country and I don't need this.” My man, you didn’t need to rig the last election to ensure your official return to power after being in office from 2000-2008, sort of leaving for the next four years because you couldn’t run again but running the country through his puppet, Dmitry Medvedev, then getting bogusly elected in 2012 to a six-year term. That four-year stint as prime minister was a charade and so is claiming that a decision on whether to run for a fourth term in 2018 will depend on the situation in the country and his "own mood." The decision has already been made and power-hungry narcissists don’t give up the reigns unless death or imprisonment forces them to do so. Putin also used the interview as a forum for thinly veiled shots at the West for allegedly trying to undermine his rule. He said the Western sanctions against Russian individuals and businesses over Ukraine were merely a plot to punish his amigos and were "driven by a desire to cause a split in the elite and then, perhaps, in society." However, Putin said the sanctions have united Russia even though some factions do not support him. His biggest lie was that he’s cool with his critics as long as their criticism was constructive and they didn't violate the law. That’s mighty tough because the law is essentially that you don’t get to disagree with Putin………

- Whether or not “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay” kicked a sufficient amount of ass in its debut depends on your point of reference. At $123 million, it posted the largest debut of 2014 and earned more combined than every other movie in theaters across the United States. On the flip side, it had by far the lowest earnings total of any of the three “Hunger Games” movies, clocking in at about $30 million less than its two predecessors. Last weekend’s second-place finisher, “Big Hero 6,” stayed in the same place this time around with $20.1 million, good for a two-week domestic total of $135.7 million. “Interstellar” continued to be a relative disappointment, remaining stuck in third place for the second weekend in a row with $15.1 million. In three weeks, the Matthew McConaughey non-epic has grossed $120.7 million domestically. Fourth place was the landing spot for the reigning earnings king, “Dumb and Dumber To,” which saw its earnings plummet 61 percent to $13.8 million, giving the comedy sequel $57.4 million in two productive weeks of release. “Gone Girl” remained amazingly steady by sticking in the top five with $2.8 million and has amassed $156.8 million in its first two months in theaters. “Beyond the Lights” claimed sixth place with $2.7 million and in two weeks of limited release, it has brought in $10.1 million. Fellow limited-releaser “St. Vincent” was close behind with $2.4 million and has a seven week domestic bank roll of $36.6 million. In eighth place was “Fury,” owner of $1.9 million in weekend money and $79.2 million overall. Ninth-place finisher “Birdman” was the third movie in limited release to crack the top 10 thanks to its $1.8 million effort. The $14.4 million the bizarro comedy has made in six weeks is solid, as are its critical reviews. “The Theory of Everything,” which showed in a mere 140 theaters, slotted 10th with $1.5 million and has $2.8 million in three weeks of very limited release. “Nightcrawler” (No. 11) and “Ouija” (No. 12) both lost their spots in the top 10 and Jon Stewart’s “Rosewater” once again failed to reach the top 10, placing 16th………

Sunday, November 23, 2014

SoCal loyalty, illegals and their attorneys and topless protests in Central African Republic

- This is a new approach to protesting sectarian violence in your Third World country. According to residents in the remote Central African Republic town of Zemio, hundreds of women marched topless through a town in the to protest sectarian violence on Saturday. Topless protests are nothing new, but the femi-Nazis of European-based rights group FEMEN are usually involved and exposing their racks is pretty much their go-to protest tactic in any situation. Saturday's unusual demonstration occurred in the southeastern town of Zemio and it was based on the unique belief among its participants that going partially nude would bring a curse on those responsible for the violence. It’s a philosophy that most frat dudes in the United States would love to see put to the test any time a women’s issue came to the forefront on their campus, but this questionable theory was enough to drive hundreds of angry ladies into the streets sans clothing on their upper halves. The protest, in the wake of nonstop fighting in the country between Christian and Muslim militias that has killed at least 5,000 people this year and displaced thousands, was the latest demonstration by citizens who are pleading for an end to the chaos in their own unique ways. The violence reached Zemio this week, wounding about 10 people and displacing most of the local population, which includes Christians and Muslims. Violence in the country has been the norm ever since a rebel coalition toppled the nation's president last year and the ensuing wave of human rights abuses has been a black eye for Central African Republic every day since……..

- Blink-182 is still around? Really? And one of their members is making ridiculous claims like saying he invented the question mark, that Bigfoot is real and that music streaming services are just like killing elephants. Welcome guitarist Tom DeLonge, who either really needs attention or is just a moron because he’s putting streaming services like Spotify on par with slaughtering endangered animals. "I tell people condoning streaming is like condoning the Chinese that are killing elephants for their tusks and carving ivory statues," DeLonge said. "It's cool to put on your shelf but if you really think about what you're doing it sucks.” Right, except that elephants who are killed for their ivory typically live in Africa, not China, and when they’re killed, they’re dead and that’s pretty much it for them. Musicians whose tunes are streamed on Pandora don’t die or have their careers end immediately; in fact, since musicians make the bulk of their money toruing and not on album sales, DeLonge’s claim is a huge stretch of the truth for the benefit of his greedy ass self at best. “It might be cool for you as somebody that likes music but you’re not really thinking about the effect it has,” he added. “We've got to value our art, you know?" You can value the art you create with Blink and your other band, Angels & Airwaves, but if you really valued it, would you have given away one of Angels & Airwaves’ previous releases, “LOVE,” as a free download? The new album, “The Dream Walker,” will drop on Dec. 8 and from the sounds of it, you should not go looking for it on your favorite streaming service………

- Who wants to help the illegales? That’s the question on the table in Phoenix, where there are some 10,000 active cases of people seeking citizenship but only three immigration judges. Given President Barack Obama’s bombastic speech last week about giving more of a chance to border crashers as a central tenet of his immigration policy, that’s a nightmarish math scenario made worse by a dearth of immigration lawyers in the area. "Here in Arizona there's probably less than about a 150 lawyers that practice immigration law," immigration attorney Jose Penalosa said. "Of those 150 or so about half of them really deal with this blue-collar transactional work.” So….three judges, 150 lawyers of whom about 75 handle the sort of cases at hand and 10,000 would-be Americans waiting for their chance to prove they belong even though they can't speak English? That won't work on any level. "That individual sometimes overcharges or under serves the particular client and the service does not get done," Penalosa said. "But more importantly, that individual cannot represent an applicant before the Department of Homeland Security." Scam artists are also circling and in the aftermath of the president’s immigration accountability executive action, that issue is likely to become an even bigger problem. Thursday night merely exacerbated the issue after Obama unveiled a sweeping immigration plan that will mandate background checks, paying taxes and avoiding other chicanery in order to become an official citizen. Who would ever have thought that an immigration announcement could spur not only a bunch of illegal immigrants finding a new home, but also a cottage industry for ambulance chasers to flock to Arizona and begin all-night cramming sessions to learn the ins and outs of immigration law so they can represent people who don’t even speak their language………

- Southern California is a bitchin’ place to live and work. Plenty of people move to the area and endure its insane traffic and insanely high real estate prices to be in a place where 75 and sunny is the norm and the beautiful people abound. Not as many people are so devoted to the area that they threaten to retire from a high-paying job if they are traded to a new employer in another region. One exception is Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Dan Haren, who has made it clear that he would likely would walk away from baseball -- and leave $10 million in pretax income on the table -- if the Dodgers trade him to a team other than one of his former clubs, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Orange County. Haren earned a 2015 contract option with the Dodgers when he reached the 180-innings mark in September and because his name recently surfaced in trade rumors, he wanted to clarify his feelings on being sent packing. "I had other opportunities, but at this point in my career, I have no interest in playing in a city away from my family,” Haren said. He has previously spoken about the difficulty he endured being away from his family during the 2013 season, when he pitched for the Washington Nationals. The West Covina, California native attended college at Pepperdine and he and his family now live in Orange County. At the age of 34, he’s nearing the tail end of his baseball career and settled in as the Dodgers’ No. 4 starter toward the end of last season. Dumping him would almost certainly be for salary reasons only, even though the team’s loaded ownership group seems perfectly happy paying the biggest payroll in Major League Baseball in pursuit of a ring. Haren doesn’t have a no-trade clause, but in this case he’s seeking to create a de facto one all on his own………..