National texting championships, Iranian crackpots and scheming police dispatchers

- OMG. It’s like, so exciting that today, the 2010 LG U.S. National Texting Championship is going down in NYC! Clearly a sign of how addicted the United States is to texting, teenage girls from all across the country will be flocking to Manhattan to compete for the $100,000 first prize. To take home the coveted title of America’s fastest texter, they will have to battle through blindfolds, complex phrases and marathon texting. Just getting to the finals has been an ordeal, as competitors must first message their way through preliminary competition, which included texting challenges at concerts, text alerts on TV shows or texting from online tournaments. Not only will the winner receive $100,000, but the grand prize includes a donation to the charity of the winner's choice. Of course, the organizers are going to have to explain to the 14-year-old girl who wins that neither Hollister nor Justin Bieber are charities, but other than that there shouldn’t be any issues. The irony of the texting championship being held today is that around the same time as the competitors will be OMG-ing and LOL-ing their way to the top, the U.S. Department of Transportation will be holding a summit on distracted driving. So far, the proposed set of guidelines from federal regulators that would ban text messaging while driving haven’t been adopted, although a ban on texting behind the wheel has already been enacted in 19 states and the District of Columbia. An additional seven states have banned the use of all handheld devices while driving, so texting on the road is clearly a dying art form. Even LG has joined in the push to stamp out texting while driving, launching a program called Text Ed, which advocates safety with texting. But don’t tell that to the hundreds of thousands of people vying to be crowned the national texting champion. In 2009, more than 250,000 participants entered the contest and were judged on both accuracy and speed. This year’s competitors are looking to following in the footsteps of texting giant 15-year-old Kate Moore of Des Moines, Iowa, who has probably blown through 2/3 of her $50,000 first prize on Jonas Brothers iTunes purchases, silly bands and Hollister jeans……….

- For a coach who just had a heart attack, I’m guessing that this isn’t the news Michigan State head man Mark Dantonio wanted to hear. But I guess you have to roll with the felons you recruit to your program and as such, Dantonio is stuck with tight end Dion Sims, who is one of 10 people facing felony charges as part of an alleged laptop theft ring. That good news was delivered by the Wayne County Prosecutor's office on Tuesday and suffice it to say, the charges against Sims and his nine co-defendants are quite impressive. They stand accused of stealing more than 100 laptops worth $158,000 from the Detroit Public Schools and selling them on several websites and to friends. That’s right, this ten-pack of ass hats stole computers from kids in one of the poorest cities in the United States. As for Sims, he is accused of receiving and concealing stolen property, a felony punishable by up to 10 years in prison. The only real solace for Michigan State is that Sims isn’t exactly a major contributor on the field, having appeared in all 13 games last season and but catching just 11 passes for 133 yards. He won't be playing for the Spartans again any time soon, having already been suspended from all team activities after being held out of the team’s first three games. The sophomore from Detroit probably has bigger concerns than football right now anyhow. The school wasn’t caught off guard by the charges, as athletic director Mark Hollis said in a statement that the school has been aware of Sims' legal situation since February. Hollis did stipulate that Sims will continue to have access to the school's student-athlete academic center - presumably after beefed-up security measures are installed on all computers in the building. "Dion informed the coaching staff of the police investigation and has kept them apprised of the progress of the investigation," Hollis said. "We will allow the legal process to play out before we make any final decision regarding his future status with the team." What’s amazing is the breadth of the alleged laptop theft ring, as its members are accused of stealing computers from five schools between December 2009 and January 2010 and some of the pilfered lappers have been tracked to Arizona, California, Florida, Minnesota, Ohio, Tennessee and Wisconsin, as well as Canada and the United Arab Emirates. Go big or go home, I guess…..or go to prison……….

- Celebrities are not having a good run of it in Las Vegas right about now. First Paris Hilton is popped for possession of the Bolivian marching powder and now singer-songwriter Bruno Mars has also been arrested and charged with possession of toot. Mars was nabbed after performing at the Hard Rock Hotel Casino in Las Vegas on Saturday, getting picked up early Sunday morning. According to a report from the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department, Mars, a.k.a. Peter Hernandez (I guess Peter Hernandez isn’t a good stage name?) was arrested at approximately 1:50 A.M. after hotel security discovered him with narcotics and detained him. That’s ride, dude was busted by hotel security, not even the police. That’s like getting picked up for underage drinking by the campus police - just embarrassing. If you can’t outthink and outwit the campus cops or hotel security, then you deserve to be caught and prosecuted. As for Mars/Hernandez, he was found with 2.6 grams of "white powdery substance" believed to be cocaine. That earned him a trip to an area detention center, where he was held until 7:45 a.m. on Sunday. I suppose if this was an attempt to boost his street cred in preparation for the release of his debut album, "Doo-Wops & Hooligans," on Oct. 5, then mission accomplished. Perhaps his revelation as a coke addict will help push the album’s first single, "Just the Way You Are," from No. 3 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart up to the top spot. Curiously, Mars/Hernandez didn’t post on his Twitter page that he would be making a special appearance at the local jail on Sunday morning, although he did post before Saturday's concert, "Come see me @ the Hard Rock 2nite!! VEGAS!!" Perhaps, “I’m getting arrested for possession of the Colombian nose candy and hauled off to jail in the morning” just wouldn’t fit into a Tweet……….

- Look out, capitalism. Iranian despot Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is predicting your demise and we all know what a visionary and (idiot) savant this guy is, without the savant part anyhow. In an über-boring speech to a mostly empty room at the United Nations on Tuesday, Ahmadinejad wasted 10 minutes of his and every member of the audience’s life to declare capitalism near death while urging world leaders to "spare no effort" in starting to plan for a new world order. No, professional wrestling fans, not THAT New World Order, although Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash couldn’t be any worse at running a country than Ahmadinejad is. Plus, any of the three original NWO members definitely could have delivered a better speech than the absolute dud the Iranian dictator dropped on the world stage Tuesday. His vague, ambiguous threats and criticisms condemned "unjust government structures" and "transnational corporations," which he blamed for "suffering" around the world. Could you be any less specific, M.? Also noteworthy were the conspicuous omissions from the speech, specifically the lack of angry, condemning rhetoric aimed at the United States and its allies over for insisting that Iran’s nuclear program is a front for aspirations of world domination. In place of those normal staples of any Ahmadinejad rant was a peculiar mix of fortune telling, calls for justice and peace and allusions to religion. Hearing one of the world’s worst dictators call for "good deeds" and "compassionate coexistence" was jarring, as were the bizarre references to Jesus and his resurrection. "Peace be upon the promised one who will bring justice. Peace be upon all the good-hearted people and all the justice seekers," Ahmadinejad said. Adding a nice layer of confusion to the speech, there were problems with the English translation of the speech. One interpreter said she was told to read the speech from a translated text, but when she finished talking, Ahmadinejad kept on yammering. But hey, when you’re railing against "the inhumane and infected creeds accompanied by cruel management," you can’t be tied to a script. So ramble on, M., ramble on and the world will just keep tuning your crazy talk out……….

- Was that bad? The line once uttered by Seinfeld underachiever George Costanza would fit well with now-former Fort Myers, Florida, police officer Jason Moore, who apparently made a call to an emergency dispatcher so he could sweet-talk his ex-girlfriend. On August 9, Moore dialed up dispatcher Joeleen Jeffery and requested that his ex-girlfriend - also an officer - to a mall parking lot to check on a "suspicious person." Clearly forgetting that all calls to dispatchers are recorded, Moore let out plenty of rope with which to hang himself and did just that. "The suspicious person is me," Moore told her. "I'm putting that together," Jeffery responded. After ending the call, Jeffery "speculated" to her colleagues that "maybe Officer Moore wanted to propose" to his ex-girlfriend. Right, because that’s the best “let’s get back together” line, asking the chick you either dumped or who dumped you if she wants to get married. The problem for Moore was that several officers responded to the call and even though his ex was among them, having multiple cops respond to the scene of a bogus call is not a recipe for a happy ending. The ex-girlfriend told police investigators that it struck her as "odd" when she pulled into the lot and saw other officers leaving, although it’s not clear from the police report whether she and Officer Moore talked in the parking lot. What is clear is that Jeffery and fellow dispatcher Michael Grimmett were fired for their actions. What did Grimmett do? Apparently he’s the one who came up with the description of the "suspicious person" – a black man wearing jeans and a T-shirt looking into car windows in the parking lot. The scheme could have worked if not for the third dispatcher, who told a sergeant about the bogus call. So tell me again what’s wrong with the actions of Moore, Jeffery and Grimmett………..