Helping prevent you from looking like a fool tomorrow, I deny a request from the executive producter of "24" and one final word on the New Jersey Nets

- I am going to say this a day in advance in the hopes that perhaps some of you will read it, think about what I’m going to say and avert disaster. Tomorrow, in case you did not realize it, is April 1. That means April Fool’s Day and I think we all know what that entails. The idiot in your office will inevitably put a whoopee cushion on your chair, try to pull some sort of hilarious prank like slipping a fake pink slip on your desk, trying to get you to believe some absurd story before screaming, “April Fool’s” or any other number of lame pranks. My advice to you, simply put, is to not be that idiot. No one other than the official class or office idiot thinks those “jokes” are funny and you need to not be the one doing them. Do you want people to hate you? Allow me to illustrate this with the story oQQf Texas Motor Speedway president Eddie Gossage. See, Eddie Gossage thought it would be funny to send out an official press release stating that a local radio personality in Dallas had accepted his $100,000 offer to change his name to TexasMotorSpeedway.com. Gossage and TMS officials sent out an official release Wednesday on speedway letterhead saying DJ Terry Dorsey had accepted Gossage's offer of $100,000 to legally change his name to mirror that of the track. Media outlets around the country picked up on the story and ran with it, leading to a full-fledged mini-controversy until Gossage finally stepped up to admit that it was all a ruse, intended as an April Fool's joke. "We meant no malice," Gossage said . "This started when the radio station asked us if we would play along. We thought it would only be a radio promotion and that would be it. But it kind of caught fire and grew into something we didn't expect." Ah ha ha ha, good one! I am laughing so, so hard…..oh wait, no I’m not. Just like every other April Fool’s joke, that one sucks too. The rest of us stopped thinking April Fool’s pranks were funny when we were 10, you jerk. The fact that Gossage went all-out selling this one - posting information about the offer on his Facebook page, including a photo of the check if Dorsey accepted the offer - only makes it worse. Gossage is notorious for these sorts of lame pranks and if it were any other day of the year besides April 1, I wouldn’t give it a second thought. But because he tagged it as an April Fool’s joke, that makes Eddie Gossage a tool and worthy of ridicule, scorn and derision. Quit doing this kind of crap, Eddie, and we won't be having this talk ever again…………

- Request denied. You know if you have read this space the past few months that among the many problems I have had with this season of 24, the preeminent one has been the lame, unnecessary and terrible story line involving Katee Sackhoff’s CTU analyst/mole character, Dana Walsh. The idea of her redneck ex-boyfriend/partner in crime showing up in New York in the midst of a national security crisis and blackmailing her into helping he and a scumbag buddy of his commit crimes to earn fast money has dragged the entire show down and made large chunks of it utterly un-watchable. Yet executive producer Howard Gordon is not only trying to defend the indefensible, he actually wants us to silence our valid criticisms and give the show’s producers and writers another chance as the series winds toward its finale. “God almighty there has been a Dana backlash,” Gordon lamented, adding that “thrillers have a finite number of tropes. It’s like saying, ‘Another murder on CSI? Are you kidding?!’ Moles and betrayals are the stock-in-trade of the show. I understand how it appears [to be] tiresome and lazy storytelling, but I really would betray anyone to try to sit in our chair and figure out how to do 24 continuous, real-time episodes, without using certain devices,” the exec continues. I would implore people to be more patient with Dana.” No and no, Howie. See, our problem is not with Dana ending up as a mole. The problem has been you wasting a third of every episode with a lame, weak story line that has a new character, Dana Walsh, that we neither know nor care about because she has no history on the show, engaging in inane, moronic activities like helping two rednecks rob an NYPD storage locker. This story line has received more backlash than any I can ever remember seeing on 24 and with good reason. It’s poorly conceived, poorly written and to cap it off, poorly executed. The fact that it comes in the show’s final season and will be one of the last memories the series leave with fans only makes it worse. Thanks for nothing, Howie, so consider your request denied.………….

- There are a few things in this world that we all need to be more careful with when handling them. Bombs would be the foremost example, along with glass items, the fragile egos of needy Hollywood celebrities and anyone over the age of 90. Also on that list would be large concentrations of ammonia gas, much like the ammonia gas contained in two rail cars on a train that derailed at the Port of Tampa at Shoreline and Maritime Blvds on Wednesday morning. The rail cars went off track and although fire officials say there are no leaks at this time, that doesn’t mean everything will remain safe. Sure, dozens of rescue workers and Tampa Fire Rescue crews quickly responded to the scene, but how did this even happen in the first place? The fact that those two cars even came off the tracks at all is a problem. Don’t believe me? Just ask Tampa Fire Captain Bill Wade his take on the situation "An ammonia leak would be one of those bad things we don't want to see,” Wade stated. Why is that? Well, because anhydrous ammonia is a severe skin irritant and can cause serious injuries. Couple that with the fact that each car holds about 30,000 gallons of the product and could create a leaking ammonia cloud that could easily drift into downtown Tampa and well, you can see where I’m going with this. With the scores of hazardous chemicals regularly shipped into the Port of Tampa and you can see where this problem could potentially, to use a bad pun, come off the tracks. Let’s step your game up, rail companies carrying hazardous chemicals in and around the Tampa area. Chemical threats against this country should be coming from external terrorist groups, not inept doofuses who don’t know how to properly transport those chemicals…………

- Time for a “World Powers Gang Up on Iran” party! Wahoooooo! We haven’t had one of these über-fun parties in too long and I was beginning to forget how great they could be. Because let’s face it: If mutual hatred toward and outrage against those tyrannical, fascist kooks in Iran can't bring us all together, then nothing can. So it is with great joy and happiness that I bring to you news that six major world powers have agreed to begin scheming up proposed new sanctions against Iran over its burgeoning nuclear program. The last holdout had been China, but the Communists came around and now all six nations can get back to concocting plans to sanction the daylights out of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Co. I suppose that one fascist nation is loathe to punish another, so it makes sense that the Chinese held out this long. But today, they relented and signaled their willingness to consider a U.N. Security Council sanctions resolution. This greatly improves the chances for passing a resolution aimed at increasing economic and diplomatic pressure on Iran to rein in its nuclear ambitions. Tehran continues to insist that is only wants to develop nuclear power for peaceful purposes, which is as believable as me waking up tomorrow and hearing someone claim that Paulie Shore is a leading contender for next year’s Oscar for best actor. Perhaps having the Chinese on board is already making an impact, as Iran's state media reported Wednesday that the country's top nuclear negotiator will travel to Beijing to discuss possible U.N. sanctions. Saeed Jalili will meet Thursday with senior Chinese officials "concerning the nuclear program." In the end, I don’t expect the talks to lead anywhere because Iran isn’t giving up its nuclear program for anyone and whether Ahmadinejad wants to admit it or not, he very much wants the capability to bomb Israel right off the map. The five permanent members of the Security Council can do and say whatever they want and cite the newfound support they have from China, but Iran is like Brett Favre in that a) everyone either publicly or secretly despises them and wishes they would go away and leave us alone and b) they are going to do what they want, when they want and the rest of us be damned. The Obama administration is hoping for a U.N. resolution by the end of April, but unless you happen to be naïve enough to believe that such a resolution is going to have any effect at all on Iran’s nuclear aspirations (other than steeling their resolve), that resolution is as hollow as can be……….

- At this point, the New Jersey Nets are dead to me. They threw away their chance at history by inexplicably winning three of their four games over the past week, pushing them to 10 wins and eliminating them from contention to be the worst NBA team of all-time. The 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers will keep that distinction with their 9-73 record and I will forever hate the Nets and everyone associated with the franchise for ruining my dream. With the team being dead to me, I seriously debated just blowing right past this next story and moving on. However, I have written about it before and as such, I felt the need to bring a certain degree of closure to it. Back when the Nets had only seven wins and still had their shot at history (historical ineptitude) intact, Nets chief executive Brett Yormark got into an angry confrontation with Nets fan Chris Lisi, who wore a paper bag to a home game against Miami to show his disgust for the team’s lackluster performance this season. Yormark saw the bag-headed Lisi, doubled back and began screaming him down. That led to scores of scathing columns and rants against Yormark and with good reason. A person in his position cannot publicly be screaming down the paying customers, not when the paying customer is right on the money with his criticisms. So of course Yormark did what anyone in his position has to do: make a big, public apology and effort to mend fences. He did so by sitting down for a 30-minute "brown bag" lunch on Tuesday with Chris Lisi, Lisi’s brother Rob and two members of the Nets' radio broadcasting team. McDonald’s seized on the promotional opportunity by providing the five men with hamburgers, fries and salads and brown bags. "Today was another good example of us being able to tell our fans, 'Hey, when you want a voice, you'll get one with us,'" Yormark said. "That's who we are, the type of franchise we are and we want to be. I think resorting to a brown bag doesn't do anyone any good and they realize that, and they were very nice and had good things to say about the franchise." Wrong again, CEO Yormark. Clearly, putting a paper bag on one’s head at a game does a lot of good. Whether I like it or not (and I don’t), the Nets have won three of four games since Lisi’s display and he’s drawn a whole lot of attention to the sucky job you and the rest of the team’s front office has done in assembling this team. He’s made you look like a sucker who got hooked by some random fan and he’s gotten a lot of publicity and a free lunch out of it. So I’d say Lisi’s display did a lot of good and his presence made the lunch so popular that when it was streamed over the Nets' Web site, the broadcast shut down because so many people logged on. Yormark also spoke with the Lisi brothers after the lunch and invited them to attend another game. "I think, in many respects, a lot of good things have come out of this," Yormark said. "We were able to reinforce our message to season ticket-holders. We don't have any more brown bags in the building, not that we had a lot to begin with before that incident -- our players seemed to rally around it and we are playing our best basketball of the season. "I don't know if it was a negative.” Attaboy, Yormark. You get out and spin this like you actually believe what you’re saying. No one else does, but keep convincing yourself! Plus, the Nets used the incident as a promotional gimmick by offering any fan who put a paper bag on his head during a recent game against the Sacramento Kings a nylon Nets bag containing a poster, a pack of player trading cards and a printed note from Yormark that said: "Thanks for letting us see your face. We hope to see it more often at Nets' games." Two people accepted the offer, which is actually quite pathetic. So I have done my part, I have seen this story through and I will now commence ignoring the Nets from here on out because they have dashed my dreams and I will never forgive them…………

Eating the world's largest chocolate rabbit, a Verizon iPhone in the works and Eminem with a cryptic proclamation

- Not that the U.S. Postal Service has ever been accused of being the hardest-working group around (just kidding, USPS!), but if the Postal Service has its way, its services will soon become even more limited. With the service facing a budget crunch just like the rest of the country, its leaders are actively seeking ways to stop the financial hemorrhaging and they want to start by cutting Saturday mail delivery. Under a plan delivered today to its regulator, the U.S. Postal Service is proposing the cessation of Saturday delivery beginning in the first half of next year. "If the Postal Service takes no action, it could face a cumulative $238 billion shortfall by the year 2020," the service said in plans distributed to the media. According to the USPS, it would save about $3.1 billion in the first year and as much as $5.2 billion per year by 2020 by not delivering mail on Saturdays. Those figures may be slightly bloated to improve their argument, as the Postal Regulatory Commission estimated annual savings of $1.9 billion under the plan. The reason for choosing Saturday to cut delivery is that it is the lightest-volume delivery day of the week and a day when more than a third of U.S. businesses are closed. It is important to note that while mail delivery on Saturdays would end, Express Mail deliveries would continue and post offices that are open Saturdays would remain open. Any change would have to be approved by Congress (which can’t seem to agree to much of anything these days) and six months notice would be given before any move was made. The overall volume of mail has plummeted from a peak of 213 billion pieces in 2006 to 177 billion last year and is predicted to continue to fall, which makes sense now that more people have Internet access at home and on the go with smartphones, high-speed Internet and the like. Simply put, you can email, text, Tweet, direct deposit or pay bills on line much more easily and sending things in the mail isn’t the top option for most people. "Quite simply, there is much less mail to be delivered, yet costs to deliver the mail continue to rise," the Postal Service said. Stay tuned on this one because with Congress involved, you never know where this will lead…………

- His program may be preparing for its sixth Final Four in the past 12 seasons, but Michigan State coach Tom Izzo is having to battle an entirely different opponent as he and his squad prepare to head for Indianapolis in pursuit of a championship. Speculation has the University of Oregon extremely interested in Izzo for its vacant head coaching position. Oregon is backed by the deep pockets of alumnus Phil Knight, CEO of Nike, so it could definitely afford to throw ginormous wads of cash at Izzo. However, UO is prohibited from speaking to Izzo about its job until Michigan State’s season is over and on Monday, Izzo himself confirmed that he has been contacted by Oregon officials about replacing former Ducks coach Ernie Kent. Media outlets in and around Eugene are reporting that Oregon officials are ready to offer Izzo the richest coaching contract in college basketball history, a deal that would surpass the $31.65 million, eight-year contract Kentucky gave John Calipari last year. Private schools aren’t required to disclose the salaries they pay their coaches, so a guy like Coach K at Duke could make more money and we wouldn’t know. That being said, Izzo currently earns more than $3 million per season at Michigan State and is under contract through 2016. "I haven't been contacted," he said. "The truth of the matter, whenever you have success, you get to be one of 10 names that pop up on these lists. I haven't been contacted, and I'm not going to comment on it again. I have a job to do, and I'm happy with the job I have." Well said, Tom. Also keep in mind that he is a native of Iron Mountain, Mich., so he has roots in Michigan and would seem like an unlikely candidate to jump ship just for a larger paycheck. Oregon has also spoken to Pittsburgh coach Jamie Dixon about the job in New York over the weekend, but reports have Izzo being their top choice, which is sad because it seems virtually inevitable that he is going to turn them down, accept a raise at Michigan State and stay right where he is…………

- It’s about freaking time. That’s what many iPhone users are saying now that Apple is reportedly preparing an iPhone that is compatible with Verizon's network. Since its invention, the iPhone has been exclusively available on AT&T and that meant customers either had to make do with AT&T’s often inferior service or go without the iPhone they so badly wanted. Now, they will be able to have the best of both worlds. It is being reported that one of Apple's contract manufacturers--the companies that build the hardware according to Apple's specifications--is working on an iPhone that runs on a CDMA network, the same cellular network that Verizon uses in the U.S. According to sources close to the situation, the CDMA-compatible iPhones will go into mass production in September. However, there is no official date as to when Apple will begin selling the phones. That makes sense, as a) they want to drum up as much interest and advance publicity as possible and b) they aren’t going to commit to a date until they are 101 percent sure that the phones will be ready by then. The typical release date for new iPhone hardware has been in the summer - June or July - but they could obviously choose to go in a different direction here with such an important step forward to take. In the past, Apple’s exclusive contract with AT&T in the U.S. has stood in the way of offering a Verizon iPhone, but as with any contract, there are time limits and AT&T’s exclusive grip on the iPhone may be up. Users in other countries have seen Apple add additional carrriers the past few months, but the same has not held true in the U.S. According to a Wall Street Journal story, Pegatron is the company that has been assigned to build the Verizon-compatible model. Apple is also partnering with Taiwan-based Hon Hai on the next-generation iPhone that will operate on AT&T in the U.S. and on GSM networks in other countries. So lots in the works for Apple and the iPhone, just not enough to distract me from the fact that the über-disappointing iPad is soon to launch, good times…………

- Eminem tends to be a fairly quiet guy when he’s not on stage or out promoting an album, so when he says something, people tend to pay attention. The man also known as Marshall Mathers threw up an interesting Tweet today, a cryptic message promising a major announcement some time in the near future. "Some big news is coming. Soon." read the Tweet. The obvious leap is to assume that the post refers to "Relapse 2," the follow-up to Eminem’s comeback album "Relapse." The new album is one of the most-anticipated new releases of 2010, which is due in part to the fact that it was originally scheduled to drop in 2009 but was postponed after Eminem's studio sessions led to a shift in creative direction. That could be good or bad, as an artist being unsure of his or her creative direction doesn’t exactly boost confidence in the final product. However, with a great hip-hop mind like Eminem and a partner like Dr. Dre, I’m inclined to revise that theory and give Em the benefit of the doubt. "I got back in with [Dr.] Dre and then a few more producers, including Just Blaze, and went in a completely different direction which made me start from scratch," Eminem explained at the time of the postponement. "The new tracks started to sound very different than the tracks I originally intended to be on 'Relapse 2,' but I still want the other stuff to be heard." To make good on that promise, "Relapse: Refill," a reissue with bonus material, was released in December and combined, the two albums have sold 1,891,000 copies. Based simply on the buzz building around “Relapse 2,” I would not be at all surprised to see similar numbers this time around………

- If there is one thing people associate with Easter (aside from Christians celebrating Jesus’ return from the dead), it’s eating a ginormous amount of candy. Cramming loads of chocolate down your pie hole is a requisite activity for most on Easter, especially anyone under the age of 14. The kids appreciate it and their dentists do as well, so it’s a win-win. That was especially true for a special group of 250 underprivileged kids gathered at a mall in Johannesburg, South Africa, to help dismantle and eat the world's largest chocolate bunny. Ordinarily I would be lamenting kids downing a bunch of crap that is nothing but sugar and is only going to help make them more unhealthy, but I’ll make an exception here because these children come from some very tough conditions and many of them are from child-headed households with little food or time to play. But on Saturday they were just kids. "It is truly amazing to see them act like children," said Portia Mongake from Abangani eNkosini, a local charity. Having to head up your household when you are still a kid has to be a next-to-impossible task, so good for everyone who had a role in providing these kids with a chance to actually act like kids. It took several days for four professional sculptors to carve the bunny out of three solid tons of chocolate. Because chocolate is brittle, the mass was first melted down into blocks, then stacked one on top of the other to form the core structure. Once completed, the humongous rabbit stood 12½ feet high and was set up inside a plastic, temperature-controlled casing to prevent it from melting and to conform to rigid health guidelines while on display. "Chocolate is very difficult to work with," said Harry Johnson, one of the sculptors who helped create the bunny. "You can't carve it in one giant piece. When you cut into one corner, the other corner breaks off." Johnson has a reputation as one of the fastest sculptors in the world, but admitted this was his first time working with chocolate. "The first time I melted chocolate on the stove, I burned it," he joked. On hand to confirm the rabbit as the world’s largest chocolate structure was Tom Howard of the World Records Academy. Hope the kids enjoyed their day of fun and I’m sure their many future cavities will be continual reminders of the occasion……….

Weekend movie news, a disingenuous apology from Urban Meyer and a dream soon to be realized

- Riding high on the strength of 3-D and IMAX success in its opening weekend, Dreamworks Animation’s How to Train Your Dragon won the weekend box office race by a wide margin, grossing $43.3 million. More than 11 percent of the film’s take came from 187 IMAX theaters, which also hurt its closest competitor in the earnings race, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. In its fourth weekend in theaters, Alice managed to make an additional $17.3 million of box office gross despite a 49 drop that leaves the film on the fringe of $300 million total. Both films could take a step back next weekend when Clash of the Titans rolls into 3-D theaters. In third place was the thoroughly regrettable and forgettable Hot Tub Time Machine, which opened to an estimated $13.6 million. Nothing like a ridiculous plot about a magical time machine that can shoot you back in time to 1986, eh everyone? It was the top adult-oriented movie for the weekend, but that doesn’t mean it is any good. Coming in fourth was a movie that a lot of boyfriends, fiancés and husbands undoubtedly were dragged to see against their will, The Bounty Hunter. The Jennifer Aniston-Gerard Butler-led film dropped 40 percent from its opening weekend to finish with $12.4 million, good enough for a cumulative tally of $38.8 million total. The last of the top five was Diary of a Wimpy Kid, which made just $10 million and was clearly hurt by the presence of Dragon. The rest of the top 10 for the weekend included She’s Out of My League (No. 6 $3.5 million and a total gross of $25.6 million), Matt Damon’s still-underperforming Green Zone (No. 7 with $3.3 million and a total gross of just $30.4 million after three weekends), the Leonardo DiCaprio-Martin Scorsese horror flick Shutter Island (No. 8 with $3.2 million and a six-week total of $120 million), the worst film in the top 10, Repo Men (No. 9 with $3 million and although I’m sure their checks for the film didn’t bounce, but I have a hard time believing that Jude Law and Forest Whitaker aren’t regretting their decision to appear in that clunker) and Our Family Wedding (rounding out the top ten with an additional $2.2 million). Several limited released films performed poorly on a small number of screens, including Atom Egoyan’s drama Chloe starring Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson, and Amanda Seyfried, which earned just over $1 million, and Greenberg, which also grossed only $1 million despite the name value of Ben Stiller. Overall box office revenues were down compared with last year at this time, when Monsters vs. Aliens opened to $59.3 million. Can the movie business rebound next weekend with Clash of the Titans set to premiere? Stay tuned………..

- Color me unimpressed and unconvinced when it comes to Florida coach Urban Meyer’s apology Saturday to the reporter he berated earlier this week for daring to do his job by asking a legitimate question of one of Urb’s players and publishing the player’s response. Orlando Sentinel reporter Jeremy Fowler asked receiver Deonte Thompson a question about contrasting the experience of playing with outgoing UF quarterback Tim Tebow with that of having new quarterback John Brantely under center. Thompson’s response included a comment about Brantley beig a "real quarterback," something that did not sit well with his coach. Obviously, Thompson did not mean to slander Timothy Richard Tebow and simply meant that Brantley is more of a traditional pocket passer, but Meyer clearly recognized that the comment could be construed as a slight agaist his guy Tebow and wanted none of it. Rather than focus his anger entirely on the correct target - Thompson - Urb lashed out at Fowler after practice Wednesday, alling him a "bad guy" and threatening to ban the newspaper from covering his program for publishing Thompson’s quote. The story spread quickly and Urb found himself the target of a lot of unflattering criticism and calls for discipline after intimating that if it were his son whom Fowler had quoted, the two of them would be fighting. "If that was my son, we'd be going at it right now," Meyer said. Well, athletic department officials obviously pulled Meyer aside and suggested that he apologize to Fowler, which is what Urb did Saturday. He spent more than 20 minutes with Fowler following spring practice and although Fowler declined to divulge details of the discussion, he labeled it a "constructive" conversation and said he accepted Meyer's apology. Predictably, Urb did not speak with reporters, nor do I expect him to react kindly whenever someone does get around to asking him about the situation. The bottom line here is that whether Fowler accepted Meyer’s apology or not, this is the very sort of bullying and intimidation that college football coaches routinely employ in order to steer and dictate how their program is covered by the media and although Urb is likely going to escape this without any disciple from the university, he clearly deserves more than the stern talking to behind the scenes that he received. Rein yourself in, Urb, and realize that you are just a college football coach, not a military dictator in a Third World country……….

- What’s better than clubbing it up at a risque West Hollywood nightclub with some ho’s and bros? Attempting to expense the Republican National Committee for your night on the town, that’s what! Meet Erik Brown, president of the Orange County-based Dynamic Marketing, Inc., and a political consultant who has done work for the RNC. Brown and some of his friends spent a night hanging at Voyeur , a club in Hollywood, and ran up nearly $2,000 on their tab. It’s unclear why Brown felt that this was something he could or should expense the RNC for, but expense it he did. And sure enough, in February he was reimbursed for $1,946.25 worth of charges at the nightclub, according to the RNC's latest filing with the Federal Election Commission. No one is quite sure who Brown was with or why the RNC was willing to pay his bill, but the incident came to light and cast further aspersions on RNC chairman Michael Steele, who has been at the center of more than his share of controversies during his time at the helm of the RNC. After falling under heavy scrutiny for receiving the payback, Brown will return the money to the party, accoding to a committee spokesman. "The committee has received a commitment that the money will be returned," the spokesman explained. Super, but giving the money back doesn’t automatically fix the problem. You do realize that, right RNC? Just as I cannot rob a bank or liquor store and make it all good by just giving them the money back, your boy Erik Brown giving back money he never should have taken in the first place doesn’t resolve this matter. It’s not like I expect accountability and integrity from any political committee or organization, but you guys could at least do a better job of making things appear legitimate than you did here. Step your game up, Republicans…………

- I have some big dreams in life and some of them have already been realized. The Detroit Lions cashed in my dream of an 0-16 NFL season two years ago, so that’s checked off the list. I’d also like to see the cancellation of American Karaoke and someone find a way to combine peanut butter, whipped cream and the joy of popping bubble wrap into one delicious joy, but that seems far-fetched. However, the dream I have of seeing a flying boat sail around the world is apparently soon to be realized. Alain Thebault, skipper of "Hydroptere," is preparing to sail round the world in under 40 days in his ginormous "flying" boat that has smashed world records for speed on water. The “Hydroptere is a revolutionary boat that looks more like a plane and thanks to its lightning-fast design, Thebault believes he can make it all the way around the world in just under six weeks. "My dream is to cross the world in 40 days," Thebault said in a recent interview. "It is a project that is very close to my heart and that I believe in." If any boat can accomplish the feat, it would definitely be "Hydroptere." It is far and away the world's fastest sailing boat, thanks to its foils, i.e. underwater "wings" that lift the boat and allow it to "fly" several feet above the water. The physics behind foils are similar to those used in airplanes, preventing drag and thus increasing speed. Thebault is a noted inventor who first started working on the design for "Hydroptere" 25 years ago. He received the predictable criticism who felt his goals were unrealistic and dangerous, but today he has proven those critics wrong. He did so in 2008, when "Hydroptere" reached speeds of nearly 70 mph before a dramatic crash. He and his team rebuilt "Hydroptere" and late last year, it became the fastest sail boat in the world by traveling at over 50 knots over 500 meters and one nautical mile. He is also working on a larger version of the boat, "Hydroptere Maxi," and will use that boat for his attempt to sail around the world in 40 days. The boat’s dimensions - nearly 100 feet square - will theoretically give it more durability on the rough seas and provide room to accommodate a group of 10 sailors. However, Thebault doesn’t expect the craft to be ready to sail until 2013, so it’s going to be a long wait to see him undertake his admirable endeavor. Here’s hoping he gets the chance and finds success…………..

- Thanks for finally getting around to this, Food and Drug Administration. I know you all have a lot on your plates (no pun intended), but regulating cancer boxes, i.e. tanning beds, more closely should probably have been higher on your list than it has been. On Thursday, an FDA panel finally got around to recommending

tougher controls on tanning beds and suggesting that more restrictions, including a possible ban on the tanning bed use for those under the age of 18, be implemented. These are good ideas and while I would like nothing more than to see a total ban dropped on these ridiculous devices, I realize that stricter restrictions and a ban on tanning for those under the age of 18 might be the best we’re going to get. This panel heard testimony from numerous experts and learned the obvious, namely that tanning beds are particularly dangerous for young people. The findings suggest that concentrated ultraviolet radiation applied directly to the skin by tanning beds leads people to develop skin cancers at an earlier age, sooner than sunlight causes. Additionally, an alarming increase in the incidences of skin cancer in young people is being seen in the medical community and making matters worse, ads for tanning salons tends to be targeted towards the young. In addition to a potential ban for minors, the panel also advocated placing visible warning labels either on the machines or in the tanning salons to warn tanners of the dangers and also, modifications to the beds themselves to make them safer. For some odd reason, tanning beds are currently classified as low-risk devices. By switching their designation to Class II, as recommended by the panel, the FDA could then limit the levels of radiation the machines emit and force changes to the overall design of the beds. The recommendations of the panel aren’t binding, but the agency typically does heed their advice. Any new rules or regulations will take several months to decide upon and implement, but any move at all in the directions of making these hazards and bastions of vanity and superficiality harder to gain access to or safer to use would be the right move. In case you didn’t know, melanoma is the deadliest form of skin cancer and according to the American Cancer Society, it accounted for 68,720 cases of skin cancer in 2009 and most (about 8,650) of the 11,590 deaths due to skin cancer each year. The World Health Organization has already placed ultraviolet tanning beds in its highest cancer risk category, right alongside arsenic and cigarettes. It’s about freaking time that the FDA followed suit…………

Models gone bad, a dream day for numismatists and looking a (pot-giving) gift horse in the mouth

- Beautiful people are cool. Having loads of money is cool. Running your own drug ring (allegedly) has a certain cool factor to it as well. Combine all three and…..wow. Colombian model Angie Sanclemente had the beauty and she had the successful modeling career, but that wasn’t enough for her. She wanted the third part of that equation and because of that, she is now one of South America's "most wanted." Interpol has issued an international arrest warrant for her and she is currently on the lam. She is believed to be in Argentina, but no ones knows for sure. What authorities suspect is that she could be the "queen pin" of an international operation that uses models as drug mules to shuffle suitcases loaded with cocaine out of Buenos Aires airport. "I am convinced Sanclemente is heavily involved in drug trafficking but I still cannot determine exactly what role she plays," one Argentine source close to the investigation said in an interview. A total of six suspected members of the ring, four men and two women, have been detained thus far. A woman identified only as "Maria" was arrested at Buenos Aires airport in December as she tried to board a flight bound for Cancun, Mexico with 120 pounds of cocaine. That haul of coke has an estimated street value of more than $3.3 million in the United States, according to estimates from the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration. The suspected members of the ring who have been captured have named Sanclemente and her Argentine male model boyfriend, also in custody, as the leaders of the trafficking ring. What amazing is that while on the run and the target of the international manhunt, Sanclemente has continued to update her Facebook page. She has even sent Facebook messages to American media outlets to protest her innocence, a claim authorities obviously dispute. Guillermo Tiscornia, a Buenos Aires-based attorney, says he has been hired by Sanclemente's mother and that he has not yet had any contact with Sanclemente. Tiscornia also stated that he has filed an appeal with the Argentine Appeals Court asking that Sanclemente be allowed to testify without the risk of going to prison if she appears in court. Her former boyfriend, DJ Ludwing Hernandez, claims to have heard from Sanclemente through a friend since she went on the run. I have to imagine that this is not where Sanclemente saw her life heading back in 2000, when she won Colombia's Queen of Coffee beauty pageant. However, even that victory was short-lived because judges ripped her crown two days later when they found out she had been married, a violation of competition rules. Perhaps showing off her true colors, Sanclemente’s marriage was actually a three-month after in which a Barranquilla businessman paid for her to study journalism at Barranquilla's university and she dropped out of college after three semesters and spent her tuition money on silicone breast implants instead. Nothing says classy and upstanding quite like dropping out of school so you can use your tuition money to buy a bigger rack. Friends describe Sanclemente as analytical, calculated and driven, three things that would definitely be a help in running your own drug empire (or so I would guess.) Her involvement with the drug cartels came after the big Miss Coffee Queen victory, when adoring drug capos began circling her. Cartel leaders are known to frequent beauty pageants to troll for new arm candy and they clearly liked Sanclemente. She left Colombia around 2005 and headed to Mexico, where she pursued modeling and acting. From there, authorities allege that she has ventured deeper into the drug world and now has become the leader of her own operation. If nothing else, it should be a beautiful arrest if and when she is caught……….

- Numismatists, start your coin-collecting engines. All of the dorks out there who fly into a full-fledged panic every time a new coin or piece of currency is announced will be thrilled to know that the U.S. Mint has unveiled the designs for the first five coins in its America the Beautiful Quarters Program. These coins are not a part of the series of coins representing all 50 states that have been released the past few years. The new series will feature designs from 56 national parks and other sites in the 50 states, D.C. and U.S. territories. In order to prevent the appearance of any sort of bias, the coin designs will be released in the order they were first designated as national landmarks by the federal government. The first quarter in the series, Hot Springs National Park in Arkansas, will be released April 19. Four additional coins from the series will be released this year, but the rest of the series will have a delayed release over the next decade. The quarter representing Alabama's Tuskegee Airmen National Historic Site will complete the series in 2021, so numisma-dorks will have to channel a little Axl Rose and display some patience if they want to collect the whole series. As for me, my motto continues to be: If it’s round, shiny and a business will accept it as currency, I don’t give a crap what image is inscribed on either side of a coin……….

- Why look a freaking gift horse in the mouth? I ask this question of workers at a Marietta (Ga.) bakery who received an awesome, yet unusual shipment Friday morning. They received a large package at about 11:05 a.m. Friday and likely expected it to be the usual incoming shipment of flour, sugar and other ingredients. When they opened the package, Flowers Baking Company employees found a nice stockpile of pot - several hundred pounds, to be exact. At first, the contents of the package appeared to be parts to repair a loading dock, but there was hippie lettuce mixed in with the parts, bringing the total weight of the package to 600 lbs. At that point, these employees had a choice to make. They could be the conservative, law-abiding squares that they ultimately chose to be, or they could realize what an amazing gift they had been given, split the chronic up amongst themselves and had a nice, relaxing time smoking it, baking it into various baked goods and mellowing out. Being the great friend of stoners I am, I would obviously have preferred the latter. Heck, I would have been okay with these people giving the weed to some of their stoner friends or trying to find someone to help them sell it. But of course, these dorks had to go and call the police and Marietta police officer Michael Gardner and his cohorts showed up, seized the tree and that was that. Investigators said the package was delivered from a private carrier service from a private distribution center that is not associated with Flowers Bakery, so they are still trying to determine where the package came from and who sent it. No arrests have been made and no suspects have been identified, but in my opinion the truly suspect individuals in this situation are the fools who were handed a massive stash of free pot and turned up their noses at it in favor of being law-abiding squares…………

- Dammit, this is the kind of story that really pisses me off. People who are FAT do not need anyone giving them an excuse to be FAT or to think that they can off-put their blame for their terrible physique onto other culprits than the real one - themselves. But I am here to report the truth and as such, I must admit that scientists have confirmed that bacon, cheesecake, and other delicious yet fattening foods may be addictive. A new study headed up by Paul J. Kenny, Ph.D., an associate professor of molecular therapeutics at the Scripps Research Institute, in Jupiter, Florida, indicates that high-fat, high-calorie foods affect the brain in much the same way as cocaine and heroin. Kenny and his team conducted their research on rats and found that when rats consume these foods in large enough quantities, they develop compulsive eating habits that resemble drug addiction. Both drugs and junk foods gradually overload the so-called pleasure centers in the brain, according to the study. Once they are overloaded enough, those pleasure centers "crash," and achieving the same high necessitates increasing amounts of the drug or food, says Kenny, the lead author of the study. It’s the same principle as with vaccines and medicines used to treat illnesses and diseases, which is to say that the body builds up a tolerance and the same strength of dosage won't achieve the same effect. "People know intuitively that there's more to [overeating] than just willpower," Kenny explained. "There's a system in the brain that's been turned on or over-activated, and that's driving [overeating] at some subconscious level." For the study, published in the journal Nature Neuroscience, Kenny and his co-author studied three groups of lab rats for 40 days (and 40 nights). The first group, the control group, was fed a normal died of whatever the heck it is that rats normally eat. The second group was fed what I like to call the Rosie O’Donnell diet - bacon, sausage, cheesecake, frosting, and other fattening, high-calorie foods-- but only for one hour each day. The third group of rats got to eat the Rosie diet for up to 23 hours a day. Obviously, the latter two groups quickly became morbidly obese, but the change that truly alarmed Kenny and his team was the shift in the rats’ brains while on the Rosie diet. By monitoring implanted brain electrodes, the researchers found that the rats in the third group gradually developed a tolerance to the pleasure the food gave them and had to eat more to experience a high. They began eating compulsively and were willing to endure severe pain just to gorge on junk food. Even when an electric shock was applied to their feet in conjunction with the delivery of the junk food, the rats in the third group was not scared off. "Their attention was solely focused on consuming food," says Kenny. The results are eerily similar to those in previous studies in which rats were given unlimited access to cocaine or heroin. The neurotransmitter dopamine appears to be the cause for the behavior of the overeating rats. Dopamine is involved in the brain's pleasure centers and also is key in reinforcing behavior. "It tells the brain something has happened and you should learn from what just happened," says Kenny. What it told the brains of the rats in Kenny’s study is that the levels of a certain dopamine receptor in their brains dropped, causing their overeating ways. So what this means is that FAT people will now have another round of ammo locked and loaded the next time you try to confront them about their weight and get them to make a change. But know this, FAT people: I’m not taking this excuse from you and neither should anyone else…………

- I am picking up on an infuriating trend in the NFL this offseason and sadly, it looks a lot like a trend we’ve seen in the NFL each of the past few offseasons. That trend is players boozing it up at a bar, party or club and then getting behind the wheel only to find themselves spending the night in the drunk tank. Earlier this offseason, Miami Dolphins teammates Ronnie Brown and Will Allen posted tandem drunk-driving arrests, with Brown capping off the despicable duo’s efforts with his arrest last week for driving at twice the legal limit in Atlanta. That drunk-driving habit must have been circulating through the Dolphins’ locker room this past season because linebacker Joey Porter is no longer with the team, but that doesn’t mean he can’t follow the example that Brown and Allen set. Porter, who signed with Arizona earlier this month, has been arrested in Bakersfield on suspicion of drunken driving and accused of assaulting an officer and resisting arrest. According to the California Highway Patrol, Porter was confronted by officers early Saturday in a fast-food parking lot. Yes, dude was pulled over in the parking lot at Hardee’s or Burger King. When the officer who pulled him over asked for his driver’s license, Porter made the smart move of refusing and rolling up his window. Good move, J.P. I’m sure that when a police officer asks for your license and demands that you step out of the car, he’s just going to give up and walk away because you roll up your window. But that wasn’t even Porter’s worst choice. No, that would be when an officer reached to unlock the door and Porter slapped the officer's hand. He eventually got out and complied with orders, but by that point he had dug himself a deep hole. Both he and a passenger were arrested and now he has a great offseason memory to pair with signing a three-year, $17.5 million deal with the Arizona Cardinals. You can bet that the Cardinals were thrilled to learn that their new free-agent signee is also a lush who doesn’t know the meaning of the term designated driver. The team released a statement Saturday, saying exactly what you’d expect them to say at this point: "The team is aware of the incident. We are in the process of gathering all of the facts concerning it and won't comment further until that's completed." I have statement I’d like to make as well, but I’m not sure that a) I can use that many profanities and curses in a single sentence and b) you would actually read them, so let’s just move on before I get even angrier……….

QB chaos in Philly, a potential WWIII opportunity missed in the Koreas and potentially dire news for "24"

- Brett Favre isn’t the only NFL quarterback playing in a game of chicken this offseason. All three signal-callers on the Philadelphia Eagles roster are playing their own game of chicken, albeit with a different slant. While the Ol’ Gunslinger once again stares down the decision he can never make before training camp these days - to retire or not - the Eagles quarterbacks are being forced to twist in the wind as their team admittedly listens to trade offers for all three of them. According to head coach Andy Reid, starter Donovan McNabb and backups Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick all have price tags on them and the team will entertain any offers it receives. For McNabb, sources say the Eagles will demand a pick among the top 42 in next month's NFL draft. This comes after months of insisting that McNabb will be back for another season and will be the team’s starter. McNabb has stated over and over his preference to remain in Philadelphia even though he has been treated with a certain amount of contempt by many Philly fans since the very moment he was drafted in 1999. In spite of fans who refuse to give him the benefit of the doubt, McNabb has led Philadelphia to five NFC Championship Games in 11 seasons, winning one NFC title, and made numerous Pro Bowl appearances. Yet when he was injured this past season and missed three games, Kolb stepped in and posted impressive passing numbers even though the team was not more successful with him under center. Still, his gaudy statistics convinced many anti-McNabb Eagles fans that they had been right all along and that their team would be better off with Kolb starting. Unfortunately for McNabb, he doesn’t have a no-trade clause in his contract. The team can ship him anywhere it wants and the only hammer he has in his hand is that he’s entering the final year of his contract and if he is traded to a crappy team - the Oakland Raiders, Buffalo Bills and St. Louis Rams are considered to be most interested in him - he can refuse to sign an extension with them, meaning they would, in effect, be trading a first or high-second-round draft pick for one year of McNabb. As much as he might be an upgrade over those teams’ current quarterbacks, there is no way they are going to win a Super Bowl this coming season regardless of who they have under center. So if they know that all they will get is one year of McNabb, any of those teams (or another lower-tier team such as the Browns) would be foolish to trade such a high pick for him. Oakland could attempt to make the trade without offering one of its top picks by adding in other players, including star cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha, but the Eagles supposedly are not inclined to make such a deal. Personally, I’d love to see the Ol’ Gunslinger finally retire and see McNabb take over in Minnesota with a great chance to win a Super Bowl, but we all knows T.O.G.S. isn’t retiring any time in the next millennium and so Donovan’s best hope at this point is staying Philly and seeing Kolb or Vick sent packing…………

- Oh, if only the other Korea had been involved in the following incident, we all would be witnessing the start of freaking World War III right now. But instead of the Communist whackadoos in North Korea, it was their neighbors in South Korea who saw one of their navy’s ship sink in the Yellow Sea near North Korea early Saturday. The navy also shot at an unidentified ship toward the north, according South Korean government officials. Navy officials were quoted as saying Friday that a ship carrying 104 crew members sank off the Seoul-controlled island of Baengnyeong in a flashpoint maritime border area between the Koreas. Just before 10 p.m. Friday, the 1,500-ton corvette Cheonan went down near the island. Officials claimed that they did not know the cause of the incident, but I highly doubt they are completely in the dark on this one. There were initial reports of some sort of explosion occurred in the rear of the ship and in the statement it released, the South Korean government did not rule out some sort of military engagement. A rescue operation launched just hours after the sinking and there were no immediate reports of casualties, so hopefully all 104 crew members made it out alive. The South Korean Defense Ministry said 58 members of the crew have been rescued, so 46 remain unaccounted for at this point. Later in the night, another South Korean vessel fired at a ship toward the north, but it isn’t known if the target of those shots was involved in the sinking of the Cheonan. Local residents reported hearing gunfire for about 10 minutes, but that doesn’t tell us all that much at this point without more context. The ship that fired at the unidentified vessel after the sinking was the Sockcho, another South Korean navy vessel patrolling nearby. The sinking led to an emergency meeting of South Korean ministers handling security-related matters. Undoubtedly that meeting featured quite a bit of talk about the recent statements by North Korea that it is bulking up its defenses in response to recent joint South Korean-U.S. partnership in the region. Whatever comes of this, I will forever wonder what could have been if only it had been a North Korean vessel that had been sunk. My man Kim Jong Il would already have launched two nukes by now, possibly more, and the world would be on its way to total annihilation…………

- I have a serious problem with a few select people whose names and identities I don’t know. You might wonder how I can have such a large beef with people I not only don’t know, but whose identities I have yet to ascertain. But rest assured, these ass hats are deserving of not only my scorn and outrage, but yours as well. They were bidders in the Hibiscus (Fla.) Children’s Center’s “The Little Auction that Could” in November and won various silent auction items for large sums of money, to be donated to the center. The live silent auction, held in November, featured an impressive selection of children’s books signed by celebrities including Tiger Woods (pre-SkankGate), Jimmy Buffet and President Obama. For some odd reason, the item fetching the highest bid was “The Travels of Babar,” signed by former Gov. Jeb Bush and former U.S. first lady Barbara Bush. Yes, I am a huge fan of my main elephant Babar, but a book signed by the brother and mother of the worst president in U.S. history fetches the most money? But I digress……..an anonymous donor threw down $850,000 for the book and also pledged $3,200 for “Strawberry Girls,” signed by Oprah Winfrey. Now, someone plunking down almost a million dollars for a book signed by Jeb Bush should have been a clue, but the auction accepted the bid and that turned out to be a mistake. Four months later, the money from that anonymous donor still has not come in. “We are extremely disappointed that the anonymous donor who made a major pledge and a second bid during our auction did so without any intention of fulfilling the bids,” said Tom Maher, executive director of the Hibiscus Children’s Center, located in Jensen City, Fla. Despite being made a fool of by this anonymous ass hat of a donor, Maher said he plans to abide by his charity’s policy of not disclosing the identity of anonymous donors. “When any potential donor requests to remain anonymous, we honor the request,” he said. “We are deeply disappointed with this serious breach of confidence.” Hibiscus was not the only local charity that received the offer of a large donation that has yet to materialize. The only positive of this situation is that the donor never actually took possession of the books, meaning they could still be auctioned off again. Of course, it also means that his or her actions may not qualify as criminal, which is sad because whoever this idiot is, he or she needs to spend some time in the hole. “In the charity world, that’s like stealing from kids,” said Elliott Paul, who served as the auctioneer for Hibiscus’ “Little Auction that Could.” “I would have been able to auction those books to someone else and it would have raised thousands of dollars.” Hopefully the anonymous bidder’s identity is “accidentally” leaked out at some point and all the ridicule and derision that person is due comes crashing down on them…………

- Many fans and critics have been extremely vocal about labeling the current season of Fox’s hit drama 24 as the show’s worst so far. I would love to argue with that and although the eight seasons kind of run together in one giant mishmash of Jack Bauer ass-kickings and catch phrases, I have to admit that several of this season’s storylines (I’m looking right at you, Kate Sackhoff and Freddie Prinze Jr. and your characters, Dana Walsh and Cole Ortiz) have been extremely week, extraneous and lame. That being said, I am not rooting for the eighth season of the show to also be the final season. Sure, a movie version of 24 is already in the works, but I could go for another bad day for Jack Bauer. Maybe I’m a sucker, but I always have faith that shows which were once great can be again. Not too many people appear to share my enthusiasm and when the producers put out a casting call for roles to occur in the final few episodes of this season, they were rather cryptic in referring to the show’s future. In a casting call for the secretary general role that eventually went to ER alum Eriq La Salle, the following proclamation was included: These are the final episodes, so if some of your name people would like to do something on the show, this is the time for them to do it.” That was enough to lure La Salle into auditioning for the part and he won the right to play the U.N. Secretary General. Fox hasn’t officially announced whether 24 will return for a ninth season, but this news certainly doesn’t add a heaping helping of hope to the mix. There are rumors that NBC might be interested in picking the show up if Fox decides it’s time for Jack to go, but that seems like a long shot at this point. Here’s hoping that Jack treats the disinterest of the suits at Fox like he treats the plots and lives of the terrorists he encounters each and every season: with utter contempt, disregard and a burning desire to defeat them……….

- Allow me to put on my imaginary law enforcement hat and solve a bit of a problem for police in Mexico, if you all don’t mind. They are currently looking for 40 inmates who escaped from a prison in Matamoros, Mexico on Thursday. In case you don’t know, Matamoros is just across the border from Brownsville, Texas, in the Mexican state of Tamaulipas. What that means is each and every one of those inmates has either already or will soon be on the opposite side of that border and looking to ingratiate themselves into the American culture. In other words, don’t bother looking for them south of the border. If, as authorities believe, there were individuals responsible for helping the inmates escape, then those same individuals certinaly had to be part of a post-escape plot to get their newly sprung friends across the border. The Mexican Attorney General's office said in a statement they are also looking for two guards who are missing, although they did not say whether Jose Angel Reyes Segovia and Agapito Uvalle Escalante were believed to have been involved in the escape plot. The prison break happened before dawn on Thursday, so the escapees should be deep into the Texas wilderness by now. They could have easily joined the parade of fellow illegals looking to border crash on any given day, so finding them once inside the U.S. may not be such an easy task. Having said that, hopefully I have saved some time and energy for those who would search for them south of the border…………

Dork Alert! time, B.Y.O.T.B. in Colorado Springs and arrogance from the King

- Dork Alert! Dork Alert! March 25 is always a big day for a certain segment of dorks in our society and I think we all know which segment of dorks I am referring to: J.R.R. Tolkien fans. Sure, the success of the “Lord of the Rings” movie trilogy has moved Tolkien and his followers up the dork hierarchy a bit, but make no mistake about it, they’re still dorks. For the past eight years, Tolkien’s fans have gathered on March 25 for meetings at local libraries, schools, universities and the like to celebrate the reclusive late author’s works. The date - March 25 - is significant because it is on March 25 that Sauron, the evil overlord, is overthrown in Tolkien's "Return of the King." As with so many celebrations and occasions, this one was borne out of jealousy. The nerds who comprise the Tolkien Society, a group dedicated to the author, were asked why there was no day of celebration for Tolkien to along the lines of the one for James Joyce. That led to the birth of Tolkien Reading Day was born. Each year, the dorks pick out a different them and different Tolkien story to focus on. This year’s focus is on "Tolkien's Seafarers" and the nerds who gathered did so to talk about that classic tale. As if gathering to trade thoughts on a J.R.R. Tolkien story wasn’t nerdy enough, fans were encouraged to amplify their dork-dom by coming to meetings in costume. So you have rooms full of pale, pasty nerds who have never kissed someone of the opposite sex and are venturing outside of their basement for the first time in months, exposing themselves to the harshness of sunlight and doing so in service of their favorite author. At the meetings, they read aloud some of their favorite sections for about ten minutes or less and participate in "musical interludes." Oh, and because the nerds who consider themselves true Tolkien fans resent the intrusion of the outside world into their freaky little corner of the galaxy in the form of mainstream movies, participants in Tolkien day have also made it a point of using this day to bring the focus back to “Tolkien basics.” Hopefully none of you reading this were anywhere near a Tolkien Reading Day event (unless doing so ironically and to mock those attending), because this is a nerd-free space…………

- How bizarre is it to see authorities seize materials being illegally transported across the border from the United States into Mexico and not the other way around? For whatever reason, Mexico has all but cornered the market on illegal border crossings and smuggling. And yes, a Mexican man was involved in the story I am about to talk about, but he was looking to smuggle things out of the United States and not into the country. The unidentified Mexican man was looking to drive the 2003 Chevrolet Trailblazer across the bridge that links Brownsville with Matamoros, Tamaulipas state, but he was stopped for a secondary inspection. When federal agents searched his vehicle, they found 2,880 rounds of ammunition found inside. What? Maybe he was just going to the shooting range……for the next month. Or perhaps he was going out hunting for wild game…..with 13 armor-piercing rounds and five assault-rifle magazines. Okay, I admit that this looks a bit fishy, but who among us hasn’t gone out for a drive across national borders packing armor-piercing ammo and assault rifles inside 18 plastic bags stashed in the back of our ride? Lighten up, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials. You all act like this guy was committing a crime or something. For once, someone was crossing the border into a country they belong in, they weren’t attempting to sneak illegal narcotics across with them and they weren’t trafficking in human beings either. If only all border crossings were this way…………

- There will never be a dearth of losers and scumbags looking to prey on the dumb ones among us via Internet scams. Web sites and online service providers are continually doing their best to protect users from these scams, but it’s a daily battle and the rules and battlefields are always changing. Google has fired the latest shot in the battle against online scams, adding a new security measure to Gmail that can help alert you to hackers potentially hijacking your e-mail account and using it for shady purposes. Google already had a feature in place to allow you to track your logins from various IP addresses, but Gmail will now seek to resolve the IP address to a specific geographic location. If logins happen from drastically disparate locations within a short period of time, major red banner will be displayed in Gmail's Web interface. Users can then examine the details of the login attempts to either verify them as accurate or to classify them as a hacking attempt. You will then be prompted with a link to change your password on the spot. The new measures aren’t meant to replace standard security practices, but they add an extra layer of security and if a user is paying attention and accessing their account with any regularity, they will have a very clear notice waiting on them any time someone tries to hack their account. Oh, and it’s still a bad idea to respond to emails from alleged Nigerian princes who need your $5,000 to gain access to a vast fortune that they are soon to come into. Other than that and this new Google alert, you’re on your own………

- It is now B.Y.O.T.B. at all parks in the city of Colorado Springs. No, not bring your own tub of beer. Bring your own trash bag, as in the city has removed trash cans and thus trash bags in order to save money. Additionally, you shouldn’t plan on catching a bus to that same park on evenings or weekends because the city has cut out bus service during those times as well. Lastly, once you get to the park, don’t expect it to be well-lit. City work crews are in the process of removing one-third of the city’s streetlights to save money on electricity and light bulbs. Colorado Springs is staring down the barrel of a $28.5 million budget gap and the city council is painting its efforts as forward-thinking measures that will reinvent Colorado Springs. "You can cry about the fiscal situation ... or you can take it as an opportunity to change, reinvent yourself and innovate and that's what were going to do in Colorado Springs," City Councilman Sean Paige said. Ordinarily a city or town would just hike taxes to prevent such cuts, but in Colorado, there is a taxpayers' bill of rights that prevents state and city governments from raising taxes unless such a measure is approved by the voters. "We put it on the ballot last fall, and they said 'no,' " said Paige. "They declined to write the city a blank check, and they said, 'City, tighten your belts. We're tightening ours. You need to do the same.' We're going to respect that." Fair enough. You can't fault people for not wanting to write what their own city council deems a “blank check” when so many people are living paycheck to paycheck. Colorado Springs is a city known for its unique approach to funding projects, as the city's garbage collection, zoo and philharmonic are all privately funded. Oh, and the city is also auctioning off its police helicopters online. Time will prove out whether citizens will accept and adjust to these budget cuts, but I have a feeling Colorado Springs residents will be just fine…………

- Know what I’ve been missing from my life lately? Some trademark LeBron James arrogance, that’s what. The man who would be a global icon and the first athlete billionaire just hasn’t been showing off his legendary pomposity of late and I’ve missed it. Thankfully, someone asked the King a question as his team was preparing for a Friday night contest in San Antonio and LBJ had a chance to show off his infinitely high opinion of himself. "If I really wanted to," James said, "if I really wanted to be the scoring [champion] every single year -- every single year -- I could really do it. But it doesn't matter." Oh, I see. You could be the scoring champ if you wanted to, but you are too unselfish to make that a priority, okay. I’m not knocking James’ skills and he is undoubtedly the best player in the Association right now, but that doesn’t mean he could automatically be the scoring champ every year if he so chose. Sure, he’s on pace to claim his second scoring title after topping the league in 2007-08, but he is not alone at the top of the NBA scoring mountain. He has company in the form of a freaky, long-armed scoring machine named Kevin Durant. Durant, who plays for the Oklahoma City Thunder, is about one-tenth of a point per game behind James and while he is not the all-around player that James is right now, Durant-ula’s scoring skills are amazing. He is a better shooter than James from 3-point range (35.7 percent to 34.4 percent) and a full 12 percent higher from the free-throw line. Durant is an inch taller and has a well-polished offensive game. In other words, he is every bit the scorer James is right now and the stat bear it out. I’m sure that he too could up his scoring, just like James, if he make a point of it at the expense of his team. I do commend James for all he does to help the Cavaliers win and they are far and away the best team in the NBA right now. Hard to argue with much about LeBron’s game, but this arrogant proclamation is one such thing. "It's not important to me at all. I mean right now our team is in a position to try to clinch (homecourt) throughout the whole playoffs," James said. "That's what position we're in right now. If we can do that, that will be more important than a scoring title. I mean, individual accolades take care of [themselves]." True is true, but just don’t tell me that you are so much better of a scorer than Durant is because we all know that isn’t true and isn’t likely to be any time soon………

The New Jersey Nets lose focus at a critical time, taking shots (literally) at Congress and "The Hills" is finally going away

- Dammit, this is not what I want to see. The New Jersey Nets have a chance to make history and all they have to do is continue not doing what they haven’t done all season: win. Heading into Wednesday’s game against Sacramento, the Nets were a woeful 7-63 and in shouting distance of the worst record in NBA history, established by the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers with a pitiful 9-73 mark. But the Nets, possibly inspired by the antics of CEO Brett Yormark during Monday’s home loss to Miami (more on that in a moment) inexplicably did what it took to win and secured their eighth victory of the season with a 93-79 home triumph over the Kings. The win means that in order to break the Sixers’ record and have the worst record ever, the Nets must lose their final 11 games. Now, it’s something they have certainly shown themselves capable of this season, but I am deathly afraid that their pride will kick in, that they will be insanely motivated by not wanting to make the history that I am desperate for them to make and that they will win another game or two. If that happens, some of the blame may have to go to Yormark, who made an ass of himself but may have lit a fire under his team during Monday’s home beatdown by the Heat. As Yormark left his courtside seat at the IZOD Center late in the second half of New Jersey's 99-89 loss to Miami, he stopped walking and turned around to go confront a fan wearing a paper bag over his head. The fan, Chris Lisi of Middletown, N.J., was embracing a tradition that disgruntled fans have followed for decades: using a brown paper bag over their head to show their shame at their team’s crappy performance. But Yormark couldn’t let that gesture slide and so he, Lisi and a friend of Lisi's got into a shouting match. Lisi fingered Yormark as the one who initiated things by angrily asking him why he had a bag on his head. Lisi's response -- "because the Nets are so good." That was not what Yormark wanted to hear, because he yelled at Lisi and then stormed off. Way to keep your cool and represent your organization well, B. No wonder the Nets are so crappy and fall apart in the clutch nearly every game. If their team’s front-office leader can’t handle a fan wearing a bag on his head without flipping out, what sort of example does that set for the franchise? Even after the fact, Yormark wasn’t exactly apologetic. He said in a statement Tuesday he wanted to let the fan know he didn't agree with the way he was expressing his opinion. How’s about you focus on finding ways to help your team stop sucking, B. Yorkark, and leave the fans alone. Be grateful that they are showing up at all to watch the crappy product you’re putting on the floor this season…………

- Way to voice - check that, way to shoot - your displeasure with those responsible for passing the new health care legislation in Congress this past weekend. While normally people are advised to call their congressional representative if they want to voice opposition to a proposed bill, it’s nice to see some angry citizen go the extra mile and commit a felony in support of his or her cause. That felony would be firing a bullet through the Richmond, Va. district office window of Rep. Eric Cantor, the number two Republican in the House of Representatives. Cantor said Thursday that a bullet had been shot through a window at his office and that he had received threatening messages. Cantor also had a little something for Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine and Rep. Chris Van Hollen of Maryland, accusing them of "fanning the flames" of violence by using threats that have been made against Democratic members "as political weapons." "Legitimate threats should be treated as security issues, and they should be dealt with by the appropriate law enforcement officials," Cantor said. "It is reckless to use these incidents as media vehicles for political gain. ... Enough is enough. It has to stop." Receiving threats is nothing new for Cantor, who is Jewish. He claims to have received numerous threats throughout his career because of his religion, but having someone fire a bullet through his office window back in his home district is something else entirely. Worse still, he isn’t alone when it comes to angry citizens unleashing violence and intimidation in response to the passage of the health car bill. More than 10 Democrats have reported trouble since the weekend health care vote, House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, D-Maryland, said on Wednesday. Windows have been smashed at Democratic offices in at three states and the gas line at the home of a Virginia congressman's brother was cut not long after the vote. Democratic leaders have asked that Republicans join them in condemning the violence, but so far, Republicans have been slow to do so. Perhaps the attack on Cantor’s hometown office will change their minds, but knowing Republicans, probably not………..

- Finally, the end is in sight. Freaking five or six seasons after it should have died a quick, necessary reality television death, MTV's reality series The Hills will finally end after this season. "I think we've told the story of struggle and of finding yourself in L.A.," creator Adam DiVello said in an interview. "A lot of these kids have found themselves and have certainly embarked on different careers and different paths." If by “found themselves,” you mean they have gotten the mistaken idea that they are actual celebrities, that they have something valuable to offer the world and that they are anything other than vapid, shallow SoCal rich kids who had the undeserved chance to be on television for six seasons, then yes, I agree. The show began as a spin-off of Laguna Beach, another MTV reality series about rich kids living in a cushy beachside community and pretending that their lives were so tough and so stressful. One of the cast members from LB’s first couple seasons, Lauren Conrad, moved to the Hollywood hills after leaving Laguna and MTV followed her, thus giving birth to The Hills. Conrad stuck with the new show for five seasons before leaving and the show’s producers brought in another Laguna Beach cast member, Kristin Cavallari, to fill the drama void. Whether ratings for that experiment were bad or MTV execs think they have a great new idea for a show on tap, the end has now come for this lame-fest. It has spawned the ultimate “we’re famous for no reason and contribute nothing to the world” couple in Heidi and Spencer Pratt, it has given vapid, ditzy airheads like Audrina Patridge air time and it has killed a little part of my soul any time I watched more than half a second of it flipping through the channels when it was on. The final season, consisting of 12 episodes, will premiere Tuesday, April 27 at 10/9c and reportedly focus on Cavallari's possible drug abuse, Heidi Montag's plastic surgery, Partridge's dating life and a possible return for Conrad. OMG, I can hardly wait! Check that, yes I can. You’ll have to excuse me not giving a crap, but I’ll be busy those 12 nights with more important things, like checking for loose change behind my couch cushions…………

- Say goodbye to Whoppers, Dairy Queen ice cream and the latest movies, U.S. military personnel serving Afghanistan. Troops fighting the war on terror have been able to do so with the benefit of these comforts from back home despite being in the middle of a mountainous, desert-ridden country for the past few years, but no more. Those luxuries will soon be gone, according to a blog posting by morale, welfare and recreation command Sgt. Maj. Michael T. Hall. The military wants to rip the cushy, fun perks and put more focus on fighting the Taliban, by cutting back on “non-essentials” in Afghanistan. Hall made the announcement on the International Security Assistance Force Afghanistan blog this week and the changes will soon take effect at U.S. facilities such as the Kandahar and Bagram air bases. The Burger King, Dairy Queen, Orange Julius and Pizza Hut restaurants on those bases will close and the movie theaters on the bases will drop first-run movies. Additionally, the bases will slash the amount of canned and bottled imported from the States, Hall writes. “This is a warzone – not an amusement park,” he writes. “Supplying nonessential luxuries to big bases like Bagram and Kandahar makes it harder to get essential items to combat outposts and forward operating bases, where troops who are in the fight each day need resupplied with ammunition, food and water.” Jeez man, what is this, the freaking army? Lighten up, bro. You think that providing basic supplies to troops on outlying bases and command posts is more important than providing Whopper Jr.’s, Oreo Blizzards and a chance to see Shutter Island for troops back on the main base? Hall says eliminating the restaurants and other facilities will free up space to accommodate more than 35,000 troops who will be arriving in Afghanistan in the months ahead. While the cuts may be painful for some, Hall says the military plans to add a few things as well: improved fitness centers, as well as upgraded Internet and telephone capabilities. So reaching home and staying fit will be easier, while getting unhealthy fast food and sitting on your butt watching movies won't be quite as easy. Sacrifices, sacrifices…………

- At least Seattle Mariners outfielder Milton Bradley doesn’t have delusions of grandeur or anything. Bradley, the volatile player that many around baseball label as the guy who resides in a corner where angry meets trouble, has an interesting theory about why he has played for eight different teams during his 11-year major-league career. "If I was a musician, I'd be Kanye West. If I was in the NBA, I'd be Ron Artest," said the former Expo, Indian, Dodger, Athletic, Padre, Ranger and Cub. "In baseball, they've got Milton Bradley. I'm that guy. You need people like me, so you can point your finger and go, 'There goes the bad guy." Hey Milton, have you looked at your career at all? Would you consider someone who once confronted the wrong fan for throwing a plastic bottle onto the field by taking said plastic bottle and slamming it down at the feet of the fan he thought was responsible the action of a good guy? How about having to be restrained from charging from the dugout to the press box during a game to confront a broadcaster because he dared to say something critical of you? Is that something a good guy would do? How’s about stopping your car on the highway and getting out to insert yourself in the middle of someone else’s traffic stop in order to get into it with a police officer? Would that be representative of being a good guy? My man, those are all things you have done. When you have immense, all-star-quality talent and seven different teams have passed on you, maybe the problem is with you, not them. Last season is a prime example of Bradley’s problems, as he played for the Cubs after inking a $30 million, three-year contract and contributed a robust .257 batting average with 12 home runs and 40 RBIs in 124 games. He failed to finish out the season after the Cubs suspending Bradley for getting into a verbal altercation with their hitting coach. And if you think that the quick hook in Chicago might have finally gotten through to Bradley and convinced him to change his ways, you would be wrong. He was ejected twice in the span of three Mariners spring games last week. The Mariners are hoping that respected veteran outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. will be a calming influence on Bradley this season, but I wouldn’t count on it. Manager Don Wakamatsu says Bradley will be Seattle's everyday left fielder and hopes for big things from him, but it’s only a matter of time before Donny W. learns what every other manager who has had the misfortune of having Bradley on their team has learned. I wish you lots of success in dealing with that train-wreck-in-the-making this season, Don, and look forward to the experiment’s inevitable demise toward the end of the year…………

Boozing in the water off San Diego's beaches, a "Lost" recap and bad news for Average Joe Druggie

- One of the fundamental laws in the world is that if people want to party, they are going to find a way to make it happen. You can hit them with laws, restrictions and guidelines, but those who want to rage, grind, get their freak on and get drunk are going to find a way. For example, the city of San Diego has tried each of the last two years to eliminate the fun from its beaches by banning alcohol on the beach. And for the second straight year, partiers found a way around San Diego's beach booze ban. A loophole in the law allows alcohol consumption in the water, so on Saturday, more than 5,000 people showed up for Floatopia 2010 carrying floats of every shape and size. The law was enacted on a trial basis in 2007 after inebriated beachgoers got out of hand (i.e. had too much fun) during the Labor Day weekend, but all the law has done is move that party a few yards off shore. Those who wanted to party donned floaties on their arms, used inflatable mattresses as floats and did their things. "It's been good," said Floatopia attendee Prince Ghuman as he stood in the water with a beer. "When I first moved to San Diego, alcohol wasn't allowed on the beach and stuff, so I like that there's kind of a loophole." The only moment of danger came when a missing man was reported and lifeguards were tipped off to the fact that the man may have gotten so drunk that he sunk beneath the water unnoticed. However, the man was found safe and sound on the beach. “We started to clear the area so that we could begin a search," said Lt. Andy Lerum. "During that time the person was found unharmed on the beach." What cracks me up is that San Diego lifeguards said they were surprised so many people showed because of the cold water and the fact that it is early in the season. Really? You’re surprised that thousands of people showed up for a giant beach party where they could get drunk, see hot chicks in bikinis and hang out? On the day, there were a few scattered arrests for public drunkenness (how do you decide who to arrest when everyone is drunk) and a few unfortunate souls were taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, but hopefully everyone had a good time skirting the law and getting their drink on……….

- Last night’s Lost finally exposed the mysterious past of Richard Alpert, the un-aging man who has one of the longest tenures on the island, while also answering quite a few major questions about the island’s past. The hour kicks off with Jacob, the island’s mysterious protector, visiting Ilana in the hospital and giving her a mission to protect those who would ultimately comprise the Oceanic 6. He explains that once they arrive on the island, she is to take them to temple and ask Richard what to do next. It’s then back to the present and to the island, where a group consisting of Hurley, Jack, Sun, Ilana, Richard, Ben and Richard sit on the beach around a campfire. When the talk turns to the Oceanic 6 being “candidates,” Hurley asks for what. Sun explains that they are candidates to replace Jacob and when Ilana relays the information she was given by Jacob to ask Richard what the next step is, he flips out. He snaps that none of what they see or experience on the island is real and that in fact, they are all in hell. With that, he decries his years spent in service of Jacob and says he is off to find someone new to follow. Off he runs into the jungle and Ilana wants to follow him, but Ben talks her out of it. Down the beach, Hurley is speaking Spanish to someone, but when asked who it is, he says no one. We then jump back in time to 1867 and to the Canary Islands, where a long-haired Richard is riding a horse through the countryside. He dismounts and enters a house where his wife, Isabella, is sick and dying. He rides to get a doctor, but the doctor is an arrogant man who refuses to ride so far to see Richard’s wife. He says that he has medicine that will heal her, but when Richard’s payment is insufficient, the merciless doctor refuses to go or give him the medicine. They brawl, Richard shoves him and the doctor falls into the sharp edge of a table, breaks his neck and dies. Richard takes the medicine and leaves, but by the time he gets home, Isabella is already dead. He is thrown in jail for murder and is next seen in a cell, reading Luke 4:37 in English in a worn Bible. A friar enters and speaks to him and Richard explains that he and his wife were going to New World and he was learning English for that reason. Asked if he is ready to make his confession, Richard says yes and admits to accidentally killing to the doctor. The friar tells him that there will be no forgiveness for him because he has no time to do his penance - he’ll be hanged tomorrow. But Richard’s life is spared when a man in a sailor’s uniform shows up at the fort and asks to see him because Richard speaks English. The sailor, named Whitfield, asks if he does indeed speak English. At first, Richard won’t respond, but he changes his mind and Whitfield asks him if he still wants to go to the New World. Richard is then informed that he is now the property of Cpt. Magnus Hansson and put on the Black Rock, the slave ship to the New World that we know ended up shipwrecked on the island. During the night, the boats bounces on stormy seas and Richard looks through an opening in the side of the ship and sees the now-infamous four-toed statue off the coast of the island. The Black Rock smashes into the statue and somehow ends up in middle of jungle. When morning dawns, Whitfield comes below and begins killing slaves because as he puts it, if they were freed, they would be competition for food and supplies. Before he can kill the last of the slaves - Richard, the Black Smoke Monster comes to the ship, kills all four officers above deck and comes below to snatch and kill Whitfield. The BSM comes back for Richard but stops inches from his face as Richard recites a prayer. When he opens his eyes, the BSM is gone. However, he is still chained to the wall of the ship and can’t get free. For days on end, he struggles to free himself, to no avail. One day, as he lays passed out on the floor, Richard awakes to the sight of a wild boar picking over the carcass of one of the other dead slaves. The boar comes charging at Richard, but he ducks out of the way and when he looks up, the beast is gone. Suddenly, Isabella appears on the ship and explains that they are both in dead and in hell right now. She has come to save him before “the devil” comes back. Unfortunately, when she steps above deck, the BSM snatches her away. Later on, the Man in Black comes aboard the ship and gives Richard water. He also to free Richard if he agrees to help him. The Man in Black says they are in fact in hell, but they can escape if they kill the devil. Out in the jungle, they make camp and feast on wild boar. The MIB gives Richard directions to walk to the ocean, hang a few turns and find the base of the four-toed statue. Once there, he will find the devil and must plunge a dagger through his heart before the devil can speak, otherwise he will have no chance to kill him. Oddly, these are the same instructions Doken gave Sayid back in the present and at the temple earlier this season in regards to faux Locke, which is of course the BSM occupying Locke’s body. The Man in Black says the devil took his body and his humanity. Richard goes to the base of statue but before he can figure anything out, he gets his ass kicked by Jacob. Jacob says he’s not in hell and that he is not the devil and when Richard isn’t convinced, Jacob takes him to water and keeps dunking him over and over again until Richard admits he isn’t dead, isn’t in hell and wants to live. They sit down on the beach for a chat and when Richard asks why they aren’t going inside the base of the statue, Jacob says only those he invites are allowed in. He goes on to explain that he is not the devil and in actuality, the island and his presence there are best explained by a jug of wine that he is holding. He likes the island to the cork on the bottle and explains that the island is keeping the very essence of evil, which is everywhere in the world under various names, contained just as the cork keeps the wine in the bottle. Jacob then explains that the Man in Black is that evil and that he, Jacob, brings people to the island in an attempt to prove to the MIB that not everyone is corruptible and that some want to do good. However, everyone he has brought to the island has ended up dead. Asked why he didn’t step in to help them, Jacob states that he wanted them to help themselves. It’s eerily like the concept that God gives man free will and allows him to live as he pleases and does not step in to control the day-to-day lives of men. Jacob then offers Richard the job as to intermediary to those whom he brings to the island so Richard can step in to provide that help. In exchange, he asks Richard what he wants. When Richard asks for his wife back, Jacob informs him that he can’t give that. Richard’s next request is for absolution and that request is denied as well. Finally, Richard says he wants to live forever and that, Jacob says, is a wish he can grant. With that, he sends Richard back into the jungle to meet the Man in Black and to deliver a gift, a white rock, and a message: I have won this round. Undeterred, the MIB says to Richard that his earlier offer stands and will indefinitely. That offer was for Richard to get his wife back and be free from hell, which the MIB insists the island is. When Richard looks up, the MIB is gone, having handed him his wife’s cross necklace and vanished. Back in the present, Richard is rushing through the jungle and stops at the same spot where he buried the necklace after the MIB gave it to him so many years ago. He unearths the necklace and is surprised to see Hurley coming after him. Despite being berated for following, Hurley tells Richard that he has been speaking to Isabella and that she’s here now. To prove it, Hurley says that Isabella told him to ask Richard why he buried her necklace. Hurley then acts as medium and helps Isabella tell Richard it’s not his fault she died. He can’t see her but eventually is able to sense her presence. Once she says what she needs to say, she leaves. Before she goes, tells Hurley to tell Richard he must stop man in black from leaving the island or “we all go to hell.” The camera then switches to faux Locke standing on a hill nearby looking on. Back in past, Jacob and the Man in Black talk on a hill overlooking the jungle. The Man in Black asks Jacob to allow him to leave the island and Jacob says no. The MIB shows no regret for having Richard try to kill Jacob and vows to try again. Of course, we know the island’s rules stipulate that the MIB cannot do the killing himself. Jacob hands him the jug of wine and walks off, promising to see him soon. The smashes it and says to no one in particular, “Sooner than you think.” Overall, a truly bizarre and out-there episode, a lot of things explained but those revelations are pushing the entire show further toward the brink of absolute absurdity. Tune in next week to see if that push continues………

- Score one for the animal-rights kooks, er, activists. Lovers of the animal kingdom worldwide are celebrating the decision to reject a bid from Tanzania and Zambia to temporarily suspend a worldwide ban on trading in African elephant ivory so they can offload legal stockpiles in an “everything must go” sale. The decision was made at the 175-nation Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species (CITES), meeting in Doha, Qatar, on Monday. Delegates voted to reject the proposal amid concerns about elephant poaching and shoot down a petition from the two African countries. The delegates also rejected a petition to remove elephants from a list of animals "threatened with extinction" to allow trade in other parts of the animal was also thrown out. "Poaching and illegal ivory markets in central and western Africa must be effectively suppressed before any further ivory sales take place," said Elisabeth McLellan, of the World Wildlife Fund (WWF). The decision isn’t likely to sit well with growing ivory markets in countries such as China and Japan. CITES banned the international commercial ivory trade in 1989 after elephant populations dropped dramatically across the world, but it doubled back in 1997 and allowed Botswana, Namibia, South Africa and Zimbabwe to sell limited stocks of ivory to Japan. Then in 2002, at a CITES meeting, further sales of stockpiled ivory were permitted in return for a nine-year moratorium on further sales. Both Zambia and Tanzania wanted delegates to believe that their elephant populations were sufficiently on the rise to merit the allowance of ivory sales, but to no avail. Tanzania asked to sell almost 90,000 kilograms of ivory that would have generated as much as $20 million and Zambia was hocking more than 21,000 kilograms. Critics refute the claims that elephant populations are growing and that poaching is on the decline. So props to CITES for stepping up to continue the protection of our pachyderm pals, it’s much appreciated……….

- Wherever you are in the world, the following policy holds true for one and all: If it’s free, it’s for me. People love free stuff and if you don’t believe me, just look at the lines snaking around the block outside your local Denny’s (and no, that’s not the line of Denny’s hostesses Tiger Woods is screening for his next mistress) offers a free Grand Slam breakfast. If people will throw away three hours of their life just for some scrambled eggs, toast, sausage links and silver dollar pancakes, then they will do most anything for free stuff. Many businesses in the United States are picking up on this trend and offering their own take on giving away something for free. Tuesday has become the choice day for giving away free items and on March 23, Starbucks did something that stunned even me: offering a free pastry with the purchase of any brewed or iced coffee until 10:30 a.m. Yeah, because that’s going to make up for a decade-plus of charging people $7 for a damn large coffee with milk and foam, ass hats. Still, leave it to Starbucks to offer something free, but only if you purchase something else first. Verrrrry generous of you, Starbucks. Take a hint from Ben & Jerry's, which is celebrated Free Cone Day on the same day, except it was just a free cone without the purchase of anything else. You didn’t have to throw down five bucks for a hot-fudge sundae before you got the free cone. For Ben & Jerry’s, Free Cone Day is a tradition dating back to 1979. Of course, the idea behind the free giveaway - whether it’s a taco, a sandwich, a pastry or other food item - is to draw customers in with the hope that while they are they for their free item, they will purchase something else that they would not have been on hand to buy if not for the giveaway. In 2009, KFC had the backing of none other than Oprah Winfrey for its grilled chicken giveaway and National Pancake Day at IHOP was the largest one-day event in the 51-year history of the company. As always, people love free stuff and if it’s free, they’ll take three…..and they will wait in line for a long time to get it…………

- Damn. Anything that is going to drive up drug prices for Average Joe Druggie is not cool with me and I can’t help but feel that the arrest of Jose Antonio Medina Reguin, a drug kingpin suspect believed to be the major supplier of heroin to the United States, by Mexican police today isn’t going to help. Reguin, known as the "King of Heroin" or "Don Pepe," is suspected of smuggling up to 441 pounds of heroin into the United States each month. To the police who arrested him, I ask this: Now who is going to smuggle that heroin into this country? How is the average heroin user on the street going to get his or her fix now? And oh yeah, less heroin means a higher demand for less product, thus higher prices, which a poor, struggling heroin addict cannot afford. Additionally, less drugs for the same amount of heroin users means someone isn’t going to get their fix and you can bet that violence will ensue. Sure, arresting a guy who made up to $12 million monthly seems like something to pound your chest about, but since when do we persecute people for having an entrepreneurial spirit? Reguin wanted to get rich on the backs of destitute, toothless heroin addicts living on welfare and you had a problem with that? But just because Reguin was arrested in Mexico doesn’t mean he will stand trial there. Mexican officials have already stated that they will initiate judicial proceedings to honor an extradition request from the United States. What amazes me is that according to authorities in Mexico, Medina worked alone, without formal affiliation to any drug cartel. This guy was in danger not just from the law, but from cartels that I am certain did not appreciate having someone with no link to them usurp their business. His preferred modus operandi for smuggling his product into the U.S. was inside hidden compartments in cars and other overland vehicles. Now, someone is going to have to step up and fill the void that his arrest has created and soon…………