Tough times call for kidnapping dogs, PETA freaks get loose in New York and a Lost recap

- It’s a tough economic landscape for all Americans right now and you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do in order to survive. For someone in the greater Brooklyn area, that means kidnapping someone’s family dog and holding the pooch for ransom. The "dog-napper" took Sugar, a 3-year old bulldog/basset hound, from the Belman family. The family adopted the dog her from a shelter in Hong Kong before moving to Brooklyn, so Sugar clearly has great importance to them. This was Sugar’s first American winter and the dog was out in the snowstorm that hit New York Wednesday. Sugar was accompanied by 10-year-old Henry Belman and his 7-year old brother Leo. Along with their mother Drucie, they went down the street from their apartment to Prospect. Suddenly, Sugar took off running and the family was unable to keep up with her. "I think the snow drifts were a lot, and she's got little legs, and she just pulled and his glove came off, and she just kept going," said Drucie Belman. The chase took the Drucie and her sons so far from home that they had had to get a ride home from a police officer. They took the usual step of putting up fliers around the area and posting a message on a dog lovers' website, fidobrooklyn.org. Not long after Sugar went missing, the family received a cryptic phone call from an unidentified man with a threatening message. "I was surprised when he said, "What are you going to give me for your dog?" said Ms. Belman. "How much are you going to give me?" She says she offered the man $50, after which he hung up. Later that same day, the same man called back and said "Good luck finding your dog." Both calls came from an unknown number. So looking at those facts, you might be inclined to feel sorry for the family. You would……until I told you what Sugar was wearing when she went missing. See, the Belman family is comprised of the sort of tools who dress their dog in a pink fleece coat. That’s what Sugar was wearing when she went missing and for that, I say the Belman family got what it had coming. Ass hats, it’s simple: Your dog is an animal. Don’t buy it special bedding, don’t put clothes on it and don’t spend more on food for it than you do for yourself. Treat it well, but don’t treat it like a person because it isn’t a person. If you fail to heed my advice, something like what has happened to the Belman family could happen to you and you’ll deserve it 107 percent. Hopefully the Belman family gets its dog back safe, but in the meantime, hopefully they will think long and hard about dressing a freaking animal in a pink fleece coat and make some serious changes in their lives…………

- I’ve heard a lot of complaints about Lost raising too many new questions and not answering any of them thus far in its sixth (and final) season. So when the show finally does attempt to answer one of those big questions, do people appreciate it? Of course not. But we’ll get to that in due time. For now, on with the recap…..we begin in Oceanic-land (the world in which Oceanic 815 landed on time in L.A. and never crashed on the island). There, John Locke arrives home from Australia and as he exits his handicapped-accessible van, he has wheelchair ramp trouble when the hydraulic lift that helps him out of the van stalls out. Rather than wait for help, he attempts to roll his wheelchair out of the ramp, several feet off the ground, and instead falls onto the lawn, face down. Worse still, the sprinklers come on and he’s left lying there to get drenched. Out of the house comes his fiancée Helen, who helps him into the house and into the bathtub to clean himself up. While he sits and soaks, she begins talking about their wedding in October. She also finds the business card that Jack Shephard gave to Locke when they met at the airport lost baggage claim center and encourages Locke to call him. Back on the island, we see world through the Black Smoke Monster’s eyes as he/it scours the island. Stops include the Dharma Initiative barracks (where Iggy Pop’s classic punk tune “Search and Destroy” is playing in one of the houses a spot in the middle of the jungle, where the BSM finds Richard Alpert, stuck inside a trap the BSM/Locke constructed to hold him high above the ground. Finding a hunting knife, BSM/Locke cuts the rope, releasing Richard and offering him a drink of water. Richard seems to realize who this faux Locke is, but is extremely skeptical when faux Locke criticizes Jacob and asks what Jacob has told Richard all these years. When he finds out that Jacob told Richard next to nothing yet Richard did as he was told, faux Locke is incredulous. He insists that he wouldn’t have kept him in dark. Back at the remains of the four-toed statue on the beach. Ilana enters the room that remains in the base of the statue and asks Ben Linus what happened to her team that entered the room to take out faux Locke. Ben cautions her that she won't believe him, but tells the tale of Jacob being killed, Locke kicking him into the fire to burn up and then turning into the BSM and killing her team. Ilana doesn’t seem the least bit surprised and instead begins scraping up Jacob’s ashes from the fire and explaining that Locke carried Richard off into the jungle for “recruiting.” In Oceanic-land, Locke returns to work in his office (not sure what kind of company, although it’s been a brief topic on the show before) and finds himself confronted by his angry boss, Randy. Apparently Locke was supposed to be in Australia to attend a work-related conference but blew it off for his walk-about. Randy checked in on him while he was gone, found out that Locke didn’t show up for the conference at all and when Locke refuses to explain, he’s fired. On the island, faux Locke visits Sawyer at Dharma barracks, where Iggy Pop is still playing on the record player. They chat and after dismissively informing Sawyer that the house he’s in really isn’t his own and refusing to sit down and drink whiskey with a despondent Sawyer, faux Locke says that he can answer the most important question Sawyer has: why he’s on the island. So off they go into the jungle, destination unknown. In Oceanic-land, Locke is on his way out of the building after being fired when he finds a yellow Hummer blocking the wheelchair access he uses to get into his van. He tries to put the ramp down anyhow to damage the Hummer, but it stalls out again and he throws his keys on the ground in disgust. He’s approached by none other than Hugo Reyes, a.k.a. Hurley, who informs him that a) he owns the company Locke was just fired from, b) Locke’s old boss, Randy, is a total douche and c) that if he calls a temp agency that Hurley also apparently owns, they will hook him up with a new job. It’s then back to the island and the jungle, where Locke and Sawyer continue walking until Sawyer cites a sudden love of John Steinbeck and pulls a gun on Locke, just as a character did in one of Steinbeck’s books. Unafraid, Locke seems willing to allow Sawyer to shoot him, but cautions that if he does, he’ll never find the answers he’s seeking. Their chat is interrupted by the appearance of a young blond-haired boy, dressed in the cave-dwelling regalia of the Others. Faux Locke is surprised that Sawyer can also see the boy but when the kid takes off running, it’s only faux Locke who gives chase. He eventually stumbles and falls in the jungle and when he look up, the boy is standing over him. “You know the rules. You can’t kill him,” the boy chides him before walking away. Over at the temple, Ilana tells Sun to come to the temple with her because if Jin is on island, he’ll be there. But first, they must bury the actual body of the real John Locke and head off to complete that task. In Oceanic-land, Locke goes to temp agency Hurley referred him to and when the employee he meets with asks bizarre questions like what type of animal he imagines himself as, Locke demands to speak to her supervisor. That supervisor turns out to be fellow Oceanic 815 passenger Rose. When a temperamental Locke demands to be given any job he wants, as per Hurley’s promise, Rose wonders whether he’ll fit well in the construction site supervisor role he wants because he is wheelchair-bound. When he asks what she knows of challenges and being realistic, she shares that she is dying of cancer (which was cured by the island in the alternate reality where Oceanic 815 crashed). An apologetic Locke backs off and Rose suggests that they find a job that fits him better. That job turns out to be as a substitute school teacher, a role in which Locke runs into Ben Linus, who is a history teacher at the same school, hmm. Back on the island, Richard approaches Sawyer in jungle and says that faux Locke doesn’t want to help him finds answers, but rather to kill him and everyone he cares about. When faux Locke returns from chasing the blond boy, he asks who Sawyer was talking to and Sawyer says no one. They march on and faux Locke explains that he used to be a man, just like Sawyer, and he too felt the pain of losing someone he loved. He now feels trapped and wants his freedom. In Oceanic-land, Locke finally calls Jack’s office for the free consult about his spinal injury that Jack promised, but he hangs up. At that moment, his lost luggage from Oceanic 815 is delivered and Locke finally comes clean with Helen about his trip. He admits to having been fired and to explain why, he asks her to open his lost luggage. Inside are the infamous knives we saw in the series’ pilot episode, right after the plane crashed on the island. He details his attempt to take the walk-about and that he was rejected because of his paralysis. When he muses that if Helen needs him to see more doctors and have the possibility of walking again in order to be happy, he tells her none of that is happening. She counters that she doesn’t care about any of those things and merely wants to be with him. Back on the island, Sun, Ilana, Ben and Lapidus set about burying Locke. Sun asks about the faux Locke now on the island and how this will affect him and Ilana rplies that he has now chosen the form he wants to take and he’s “stuck” looking like that – like Locke. Locke is buried at the same makeshift graveyard where previous deceased individuals from Oceanic 815 have been buried and Ben delivers an eerie eulogy in which he praises Locke as a man of faith and expressed regret for murdering him. “Strangest damn funeral I’ve ever been to,” Lapidus mumbles. Around the same time, faux Locke and sawyer reach a cliff at the edge of the island and climb down on rope ladders to a cave. After nearly falling into the sea below when one ladder breaks (and being saved by faux Locke), Sawyer and his new pal step onto a small ledge and walk down to an opening in the cliff face. Inside is a cave with a mini scale of justice, balancing a black rock on one side (representing the Black Smoke Monster/Man in Black/faux Locke) and a white rock on the other side (representing Jacob). Faux Locke picks up the white stone and chucks it into the sea below, explaining that the scale was some sort of inside joke. Mmm hmm, sure it wasn’t. He then lights a torch and leads Sawyer down a tunnel into a larger cave. He points to the ceiling and says that it explains why Sawyer and his friends came to the island. On the ceiling, in white letters, the names of all Oceanic 815 passengers written on the ceiling, along with hundreds of other names. Many of the names are crossed off, apparently because those people are deceased. Faux Locke explains that each of those people were “recruited” by Jacob to come to the island. He met all of them at some point in their life (Jacob met Sawyer when he was very young, remember) and influenced them in a way that, as faux Locke put it, things in their life they thought were choices they made weren’t really choices at all. Jacob was recruiting them to take his place as the so-called protector of the island. As such, faux Locke tells Sawyer he has three options: 1) do nothing and see how everything plays out, 2) accept the job and become protector of the island or 3) leave the island and go home. Furthermore, faux Locke says that the island doesn’t need to be protected because there is no one to protect it from. He asks Sawyer if he’s ready to go home and Sawyer replies unequivocally, “Yeah.” So there is one question answered – sort of. Those who come to the island were somehow led there by Jacob. Still many more questions to be answered, but one step at a time, y’all……………

- Way to ruin the fun, PETA freaks. Not that I have any love for the ginormous tool-fest that is the Westminster Dog Show, but that doesn’t mean I need the ass hats from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals to crash the party. After Sadie the terrier won America's top dog show Tuesday night, the awards ceremony was about to take place when two clowns from PETA bum-rushed the center ring at Madison Square Garden and held up signs that said "Mutts Rule" and "Breeders Kill Shelter Dogs' Chances." The crowd of 15,000 losers with nothing better to do than watch insanely pampered dogs and their aloof, out-of-touch-with-reality owners run around in circles and preen for judges was stunned to see these idiots and their signs, but the two women were tossed from the arena by security guards as the crowd cheered their removal. Both women were charged with criminal trespass and I would be seriously pissed at them – if I weren’t enjoying a nice, juicy steak with sides of chicken tenders, grilled fish, a turkey burger and grilled chicken breast, sitting in my leather recliner with my feet resting comfortably on my bear-skin rug inside my alligator-skin boots, topped off by my floor-length fur coat and coonskin cap. The PETA intrusion occurred between judging of a Doberman pinscher and brittany and lasted about a minute. Moments after the PETA debacle, 4-year-old Sadie climbed podium and was crowned best in show. "I thought it was well-controlled by our people," Westminster spokesman David Frei said. Leave it to the a-holes at PETA to throw a fit at an event where dogs are treated literally better than most human beings. Seriously, these animals are fed gourmet diets, transported like they are heads of state, showered with all sorts of toys and other luxuries and put on a pedestal by owners who clearly have no friends, no life and no grasp at all on reality. Some 2,500 purebred dogs were entered in the show and I’m guessing that all 2,500 of them ate better today than you or I did. But PETA has issues because they feel that these purebreds somehow lead to mutts in shelters not being adopted and eventually put to sleep? Look, the only dog I ever had was a mutt from a shelter and he was a freaking awesome dog, so no argument there. However, what does PETA want? What should be done with the purebred dogs? Should they be forced to mate with dogs of different breeds or prevented from breeding all together? Just a total train wreck on PETA’s part and even for them, this is an embarrassing stunt…………

- Not good enough. Those three words accurately and succinctly describe Tiger Woods’ despicable plan to hold a bizarro public announcement to publicly address his stunning run of infidelity that became public after his Thanksgiving night car accident. After three months of hiding out in his Florida mansions, going to sex rehab and doing everything possible to not be seen in public, Woods will gather together a small number of media members he believes will spin his lame apology in the most favorable light and speak to them – not with them – about his indiscretions. The bizarro-event will take place at 11 a.m. ET Friday from the clubhouse at the TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., home of the PGA Tour. "This is not a press conference," agent Mark Steinberg said Wednesday. Clearly not, because Woods will not be taking any questions. Yes, he is making his first public appearance since Nov. 27, when he crashed his SUV into a tree outside his Florida home, but no points for that. He’s acted like an absolute coward for three months and now this is the best he can do? This is no better than posting statements and scripted apologies on his Web site, which is all he’s done up to this point. "This is all about the next step," Steinberg said. "He's looking forward to it." Of course he’s looking forward to it; there is no risk, no danger and no chance for any mistakes. This is the prototypical Tiger Woods event/maneuver: artificial, scripted, controlled and forced. He is a manipulative, controlling guy and that is the exact opposite of what he needs right now. Him getting up at the podium and faking emotion as he reads a prepared statement about how sorry he is for screwing a bunch of porn stars, hookers, Denny’s hostesses and anything else with a skirt that came into his immediate vicinity means absolutely nothing. I’m more interested in one of his harem of skanks, porn star Joslyn James, claiming that Woods impregnated her twice, both when his wife Elin was pregnant. In other words, he was basically unable to get after it with his wife at the time, so he went looking for some action elsewhere while she was carrying his children, awesome. So you’ll have to pardon me if I don’t give a damn about you gathering a "small group of friends, colleagues and close associates” to listen to you read your scripted apology, Tiger. Plus, now funny is it that only one camera will allowed in the room and its purpose will be to provide live coverage via satellite? Oh, and how magnanimous of Woods and Steinberg to allow other writers with proper credentials could watch from a hotel ballroom more than a mile away! How big of you, fellas. What the hell good does that do? What are they going to get from sitting in a hotel ballroom a mile away that they couldn’t get from just watching your little dog-and-pony show on television? Lastly, kudos on timing your fake apology to coincide with the Accenture Match Play Championship in Arizona, the first big event of the year for the PGA. Nothing vindictive there, since Accenture was the first sponsor to drop Woods when he became mired in the sex scandal. Nothing about this little charade it respectable, admirable or legitimate. It’s a contrived, phony event and as such, it’s the perfect representation of who Tiger Woods is and what he’s all about……………

- A fair warning for all aspiring adulteresses out there: Do not – I repeat, DO NOT – commit your acts of infidelity in Malaysia. Rumor has it that ladies there who are unfaithful to their husbands are forced to watch American Karaoke on an endless loop while seated next to Rosie O’Donnell as she devours bag after bag of Ring-Dings……just kidding. No, the punishment isn’t quite that painful, it’s just flogging. That’s the sentence that was administered to three Malaysian women found guilty of having extra-marital sex. They are the first women to receive such a sentence under Islamic law in the country and I am sure that they are oh, so proud to be pioneers in this way. Never mind that caning is the same punishment proscribed for another Malaysian woman for the “crime” of drinking beer – there need not be a rationale to justice, as we here in the United States know full well. Get drunk and kill someone with a car, serve a year in jail (Donte Stallworth), but fail to pay $5,000 in income tax and you’re going to the hole for a long, long time. Justice in Malaysia is a bit different, as the country’s majority Malays are subject to Islamic laws, while the large Chinese and Indian minorities are not. According to Malaysian Home Minister Hishammuddin Hussein, the punishments were carried out in a prison outside the capital, Kuala Lumpur, on February 9. Each woman was whacked with the cane six times. "Even though the caning did not injure them, they said it caused pain within them," Hishammuddin stated. "The punishment is to teach and give a chance to those who have fallen off the path to return and build a better life in future.” As for the case of the rebel beer-drinker, Kartika Sari Dewa Shukarno, who sentenced to six strokes of a rattan cane for drinking beer, is awaiting a review of her case by judicial authorities. She was arrested at a hotel in December 2007 for daring to live the high life and enjoy a brewsky. Just goes to show that the world is a diverse (and often confusing) place………….