- It’s a prerequisite for presidents, almost a must-have if you’re truly going to call yourself a resident of the Oval Office: a degenerate, embarrassing sibling or family member to make a fool of the family name while you’re endeavoring to lead the country. Bill Clinton had his brother Roger, W. had….well, he had himself and didn’t really need anyone, although his two daughters did their fair share of stupid things, and our new president is no different. Yes, George Obama may only be the half-brother of President Barack Obama, but that’s more than enough of a tie to qualify him for the post of embarrassing family member for this presidency. In filling that role, George has been has been arrested by police in the Kenyan capital of Nairobi on a charge of possession of marijuana and resisting arrest. For his part, G. Obama is denying the charges against him, whatever that’s worth. "They took me from my home," he said, "I don't know why they are charging me." George, maybe you’re not too bright, but when the authorities hit you with charges of marijuana possession and resisting arrest, they generally believe that you possessed marijuana and resisted attempts to arrest you. Oh, and before you naysayers out there point out that George Obama and the president barely know each other, let me stop you. Bottom line is that they have met, George Obama’s birth certificate does show that he is the president’s half-brother and that’s that. Doesn’t matter that George was one of the president's few close relatives who did not go to the inauguration in Washington last week, doesn’t matter that his only real meeting with Barack came in August at a small house in Huruma, a Nairobi slum. George is referenced in the president’s memoir, "Dreams from My Father," so in my book that qualifies him as the official embarrassing family member for this presidency. As such, I’m going to be expecting a lot more of this type of incident from you, G. Obama. Drug arrests, embarrassing public incidents, saying stupid things in interviews, etc. It will surely be tougher for you than it was for, say Roger Clinton, because you reside on a different continent, but don’t let that one small obstacle stop you. If your half-brother’s presidency is going to be everything it can be, he’s going to need you out there doing your part…….
- Someone should have told Janine Sligar of Wray, Colorado that Prison Break wasn’t real, just a fictional TV show that in no way should be a blueprint for a life plan. You may recall that in Season 1 of Fox’s awesome series about a group of inmates who escape from Fox River State Penitentiary in Illinois that Michael Scofield, the brains behind the escape, befriends and develops a budding romance with Sarah Tancredi, the prison doctor. Either Janine Sligar saw that and was inspired or she’s just plain dumb, because there’s no other way to explain why she had sex with an inmate she was supposed to be supervising. Because of her stupidity, she was convicted for sexual abuse of a ward, will serve six months in federal prison, five years of supervised release once she’s out and must register as a sex offender. All that because you decided to spice up your gig as a prison secretary by getting after it with an inmate…..well done. Now, instead of working at a prison, you will be reporting to a facility designated by the Bureau of Prisons on March 2. So you may be asking yourself, how does a prison secretary even get involved with an inmate? Well, it’s the old story of inmate order to clean secretary’s office, secretary and inmate start chatting and realize how much they have in common, secretary and inmate have sex. That’s how Sligar and inmate Eric McClain met in February 2007. He was assigned to clean her office, they started chatting it up and realized that oddly enough, they had a lot in common. By the time summer rolled around, they were hooking up regularly and by the time their relationship wrapped in October of that year, they had engaged in 10 to 20 sessions of oral sex and sexual intercourse. So this wasn’t just a one-time thing or a mistake they made and regretted it; these two were going at it four to five times a month. Better still, the majority of their hook-ups happened in a dirty staff restroom in the housing unit at the Federal Prison Camp in Florence, Colorado. Y’know, I don’t care how much you want sex, a public restroom is a disgusting place and doing it there is just nasty, period. Sligar did also take steps to cover up the affair, obtaining a cell phone with a non-local phone number so McClain could call her without raising suspicion, but she also did some incredibly stupid things that drastically upped her chances of getting caught. Among those stupid things were jotting down her activities with McClain in her journal and giving him contraband that included photographs with explicit sexual poses. Some of those pics came from her camera phone, which her plea agreement states was “used to take graphic pictures of a sexual nature which depict defendant and this inmate.” With two people this IQ-deprived involved in an illicit relationship, it was only a matter of time before someone found out, which is exactly what happened. Authorities received a tip, began investigating and learned that Sligar had changed the primary beneficiary on an insurance policy from her children to McClain. Hmm, that is curious. But hey, I’m sure prison secretaries do that sort of thing all the time…..or not. From there, a subsequent search of Sligar’s home turned up the journal and photographs, case closed……..
- What’s shocking is not that Amy Winehouse’s north London apartment was burglarized while she was vacationing in the Caribbean, it’s that the burglar(s) apparently didn’t break and enter to score some drugs. Personally, if I’m a druggie looking to score some free coke, meth, weed, etc., the home of a vacationing Amy Winehouse is the first place I’m looking. Instead, the burglar(s) smashed in the front door of the apartment and made off with a set of valuable guitars and recording equipment. A neighbor spotted the burglars and scared them off, but they escaped before police could arrive on the scene. “Amy is upset, of course. But everything can be replaced," her publicist, Chris Goodman, stated. "From her point of view, her favorite guitar is with her in St. Lucia. It was a special present, given her by [record label] Universal for winning the Grammy awards last year." Good thing she’s probably under the influence of multiple illegal drugs or else Winehouse would likely be really upset. Couple the break-in with the ongoing drama surrounding her jailed husband Blake Fielder-Civil and his quest to divorce her and I’m guessing that Winehouse is chain-smoking like a fiend, downing a fifth of Jack every few hours and snorting coke, er, relaxing like nobody’s’ business. Weirdly enough, Winehouse is contesting the divorce. How bizarre is it and how jacked up do you have to be if one person in your marriage wants a divorce and it’s the person who’s IN jail, not the one dealing with a spouse in jail, who wants the divorce? It’s like, “I know I’m in jail for assaulting people and acting like a fool, but no way am I more messed up than my druggie wife, give me a divorce!” God love the Winehouse clan, they always find ways to make the world a little more interesting……
- Reason to love soccer No. 6,504: even the “world’s game” isn’t immune from some good ol’ fashioned match fixing and point shaving (although point shaving tends to be tough when many games feature all of 1 goal combined for both teams). Venture with me to Italy, where a Milan-based news service has published a police report alleging Italian football champions Inter Milan threw matches at the end of last season in order to increase gambling odds. Yes, nothing like allegations that the champs were tanking matches to boost gambling odds. Can’t tell you how many times I remember recent champions in U.S. sports, teams like the Patriots, Giants, Spurs, Celtics, Red Sox and Phillies being found to have purposely lost games to up gambling odds - oh wait, yes I can: zero. In no legitimate sport are the champs tanking games so their coach can do better on his bets. Even when Pete Rose was gambling on baseball while managing the Cincinnati Reds, the Reds were nowhere close to the best team in baseball. Leave it to soccer and former Inter coach Roberto Mancini to come up with something like this. The allegations steam from the final few games of last season, when Inter Milan unexpectedly lost a seven-point lead over second-placed Roma. The report alleges that the team "deliberately lost and drew games to help facilitate gambling bets." Like any good gambling-influenced team, Mancini’s team did just enough to help him accomplish his gambling goals without totally wrecking its season. Inter recovered in time to win the title on the last day of the season, when striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic returned to the field in the second half of the game after a prolonged absence because of injury. Other curious decisions drawing scrutiny in the investigation include allowing Marco Materazzi to shoot a penalty kick instead of Julio Cruz against Siena in the penultimate game of the season even though Cruz is the team’s go-to guy when it comes to penalty kicks. Shockingly, Materazzi (you may remember him as the dude who was head-butted by French star Zinedine Zidane in the World Cup a few years ago) missed the kick, the game ended in a 2-2 tie and because of that, Roma closed the gap to just one point with one more game to go. So thanks for proving once again what a truly great sport you are, soccer……
- Somali pirates, you are absolutely the early frontrunners for It may not be People magazine’s “Person of the Year” or CNN’s “Heroes” for a calendar year, but in some circles it may actually be considered a more prestigious honor than either of those two. But regardless of who is doing the honoring, you just can’t ignore the continued solid efforts of the Somali pirates day after day, week after week. These guys are the definition of the word consistent, no doubt about it. Just this week, they hijacked a German-owned tanker in the Gulf of Aden, the waterway between Africa and the Middle East which the Somali pirates have helped to make one of the world's most dangerous shipping lanes. This particular heist was impressive because it took only seven pirates to seize the MV Longchamp was early Thursday morning. Somehow, the ship's captain managed to fire off a phone call to the company that owns the ship which was described as "literally around three seconds.” All the captain had time to communicate was that the ship had been seized by pirates and that no one was injured or dead. After that, “the phone went dead,'" said a spokesman for Bernhard Schulte Ship Management Company. No details were given on how the pirates seized the ship (although you’d assume their sheer piratey-ness would be enough) or what their demands are, but how about the testicular fortitude of these pirates, a seven-man crew taking a ship right in the face of an international coalition of ships patrolling these very waters response to the outbreak of piracy. Now you have seven hearty pirates in control of a tanker carrying the chemical vinyl chloride monomer (VCM), showing why Somali pirates are very much the current and decided leaders in the race for my “Top People of 2009”………..
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