Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Heroes returns, please pass the Cheetos to Michael Phelps and the Yankees give another reason to hate them

- Not a happy day for those with abilities as Heroes returned from its winter break. Before we go to that….is this a brand new season, a continuation of Season 3 or what? It’s a “new chapter” and in that past that has meant new season, but maybe they’re just dividing this season up into two pars? Whatever the case, we can figure that out later. In the here and now, people with abilities are being targeted like anti-government and opposition members were targeted by Stalin. Leading the charge is Nathan Petrelli, who is now the junior senator from the state of New York and chairman of the Homeland Security committee in the Senate. As such, he has regular meetings with the president, gives lots of interviews filled with cryptic comments about doing things to make the world safer and targeting dangerous people, which most of the country believes means terrorists. What it actually means is people with powers, which is ironic because Nathan himself has powers but keeps them hidden. Nathan is working in tandem with his mother, orchestrating some sort of secret commando team that is going around the world and capturing people with abilities. The team goes to Japan and bags Hiro Nakamura, who has purchased an old fire station and turned it into a secret lair for he and pal Ando, since Ando now has powers of his own, gained in the fall finale. Ando is an amplifier for the power or others, but you may recall that Hiro is still without his power to bend space and time because the now-deceased Arthur Petrelli stole that power from him prior to his death. Ando is put off by Hiro’s hijinks, which include implanting a GPS tracking device in each of them, creating an “Ando-cycle” motorcycle and even a hero outfit for Ando made of spandex. When Ando takes off on his new motorcycle, he chooses not to fight crime but rather to go to a strip club. Hiro uses the new communication system he’s set up to find and talk to Ando, but mid-conversation Hiro is taken by the commando team and Ando rushes back to their lair and uses the tracking system to find out where his pal has been taken. Also being taken is Matt Parkman, who is in New York and trying to live a normal life, not using his powers, with lady friend Daphne. However, a visit from old pal, African painter/clairvoyant Usutu and the turtle Parkman learned from on his spirit walk in the fall, throws a wrench in those plans. Although Usutu assures Parkman he’s not real but only a vision, he informs Parkman that he must take on the mantle of being the sort of prophet and seer of the future that Usutu was, painting and drawing the future and relaying the message to the world. Despite protesting, Parkman soon snaps into the glassy-eyed trance that Usutu and Isaac Mendez went into when they paitned the future. He creates several drawings, one of which comes true almost instantly when Claire Bennet shows up at his door to warn him of Nathan and Angela’s plans. She overheard those plans when Angela was on the phone with Nathan, right after Angela tried to talk her into abandoning her quest to become part of the team out fighting to stop people like Sylar (more on him in a minute) and going to college. Claire isn’t buying in initially, and even less so once she overhears Angela on the phone. She goes to warn Parkman, but it’s too late as the commando team storms his apartment and takes them both. Not too long before, they had also taken Mohinder Suresh, who is back to driving a cab in New York, keeping his powers under wraps. A chance cab ride with Peter Petrelli as his passenger sparks a lively debate on the role of people with powers in society, but after letting Peter out, Mohinder takes on a passenger who happens to be the head of Nathan’s commando team. The man puts a gun to Mohinder’s head and forces him to drive to the roof of a parking garage. There, the rest of the team is waiting to take Mohinder into captivity. He fights, unleashing his super strength to wield a car door as his weapon and escape. On his way down the spiraling ramp of the deck, H.R.G. shows up in an SUV and tells Mohinder to get in if he wants to survive. H.R.G. questions Mohinder about what he knows about the commando team and their plans before Taser-ing him and revealing himself to be working with the commando team. Mohinder is taken into custody, scoring another one for the bad guys. Joining him and the other captives is Tracy Strauss, Nathan’s former lady friend with the power to turn anything to ice with a touch of her hand. Tracy is taken in in the first scene of the episode in her apartment, starting a decidedly bad day for her. Not much better for Peter, who is working as a paramedic in NYC without his powers but back in possession of his ability to absorb the powers of others after being injected with the special Company formula in the fall finale. Nathan comes to town to visit and tries to enlist Peter for his side in the battle, but when Peter refuses Nathan ambushes him in his apartment with H.R.G., Taser-ing Peter and taking him into captivity as well, along with the others with powers. All are shuffled off in prison orange jump suits, sedated and with hoods over their heads, to an air force base where they are herded into a cargo plane and flown off. One person who was supposed to be on the plane was Sylar, but he wasn’t captured. Weirdly enough, the way things unfolded, you actually found yourself rooting for him. Sylar began the episode by going in search of his father, whom he learned was still alive from Angela Petrelli in the fall finale. That quest took him to a watch repair shop in Baltimore, where he met a man who turned out to be his step-father, not his biological father. That man pointed him in the direction of Samuel Gray, a taxidermist who is Sylar’s (a.k.a. Gabriel Gray) real father. It turns out to be an ambush and the commando team is there, looking to take out Sylar. Nathan ordered them to put a bullet in the back of his head, Sylar’s only vulnerable spot, but he fights off Tasers, restraints and multiple commandos and guns with his catalog of powers. Like I said, after seeing all of the other people with powers captured, at that point I was absolutely rooting for Sylar and he didn’t disappoint, fighting them all off and escaping - but not before slicing open the head of one of the commandos, old-school Sylar style. So while Angela tried to tell Claire that Sylar perished in the Primatech fire in the fall finale, he’s very much alive and well. He’s in much better shape than the power-having people, that’s for sure. As their plane takes off, Nathan actually pulls Claire, his daughter, out from the group and sends her home in the back of a car with a driver. She’s sedated but is able to use a well-placed boot to the head of the driver to stop the car and escape, hiding in the wheel well on the side of the plane as it is about to take off. Once the plane is in the air, she worms her way inside and begins unlocking the prisoners and taking their hoods off before removing the breathing tube with some sort of gas or sedative being used to keep them out of it. She frees Peter, who is able to absorb Mohinder’s power of super strength and help Claire wreak havoc on the guards on the plane. However, Peter also absorbs Tracy’s power and doesn’t realize it until he’s frozen a portion of the plane that then breaks and ruptures a hole in the outer wall. Everyone in the cargo hold tries to hold on for dear life while Claire storms the cockpit, trying to get the pilot to take the plane down. What she finds is her dad (adoptive) H.R.G. as one of the pilots, but there’s no time to ponder that because the plane is about to crash. Peter is also trying to keep from getting sucked out of the plane, holding on to Mohinder’s hand as the episode ends. Based on the previews for next week, we already know the plane is going to crash and those with powers will have to survive that crash and the subsequent manhunt from Nathan’s people that will ensue. Should be an exciting, gripping season…..or second half of a season, or whatever this is…….

- Leave it to the New York Yankees to be so arrogant as to consider including a restrictive clause in future contracts with managers and coaches banning them from writing books about their time with the team. Nothing like looking to suppress the right to freedom of speech, eh Yankees? Of course, this idea comes as a direct result of the egg on the faces of current and former Yankee players and team personnel following the publication of former manager Joe Torre's book on his 12 years with the team. The discussions are all internal at this point, but the early word is that while the Yankees would also like to include such a clause in player contracts and thus totally trample the rights to free speech of everyone on the team in any capacity, the team thinks it has no authority to ask for any confidentiality provisions in player contracts. That’s because as much as the Bronx Bombers would like to believe that they are above the laws of both Major League Baseball and God himself, they are still governed by Major League Baseball's collective-bargaining agreement. "Our view would be that they could not add that to a player contract," said Michael Weiner, general counsel of the players' association. It may be prohibited, but don’t let that fool you into thinking the Yankees won't try it. Based on their usual M.O., they may just try to buy the right to put the clause in player contracts. All of this because Torre exercised his right to pen a book in which he is critical of Alex Rodriguez, David Wells, Randy Johnson and Gary Sheffield - all current or former Yankee stars. He absolutely has the right to appear on "Late Show with David Letterman" or "Larry King Live" and talk about the book, as well as his time managing the Yankees from 1996 to 2007. So here’s hoping that in the future, if the Yankees try to jam managers into signing a clause seeking to ensure that any future books are "positive in tone" and "do not breach the sanctity of our clubhouse," those managers tell the team to shove it. Already, they have to deal with the intense scrutiny of managing in New York, a rabid and hostile fan base and ownership with the biggest mouth and smallest brainpower of any in sports and disproportionate expectations every year. Adding a restrictive clause about the allowed tone for a future book by a manager would be one too many straws on the camel’s back. Not that anyone needed another reason to hate the Yankees, but leave it to the Bombers to give one to us anyhow……

- Know what’s great about the current economic woes of this country? Not much, but hearing about bizarre segments of the economy that are experiencing a boom because the rest of the country is struggling to keep its financial head above water is always fun. One such segment of the economy is sperm banks and egg donation centers, which are both seeing an exponential increase in business in recent months. Places like CryoGam Colorado, a Loveland sperm bank, are seeing increases of 15 percent or more in donor applications. Betsy Cairo, director of CryoGam, said the number of donor applications in January of 2009 was around 172, compared with 150 in January of 2008. You might think those increases are from desperate, cash-starved college students looking to get money for beer, rent, ramen noodles and books (in that order) and you might be partially correct. However, Cairo also said the applicants are from a wide range of age groups and walks of life, a fact she attributes to the slumping economy. “When things were really good and [people] were making money faster doing other things, we did not have as many applications," she said. Also up are applications from prospective egg donors, according to doctors at fertility clinics. Seeing as egg donors can earn in the ballpark of $10,000 for their time and effort, that would definitely fit in with the theory of a struggling economy forcing people to consider means of income they otherwise wouldn’t think of engaging in. Of course, becoming a donor isn’t easy, as prospective egg donors must undergo a battery of physical and psychological screenings before being considered and must provide three generations' worth of family medical history. Even after being selected, a donor must subject themselves to fertility drug injections, blood tests, ultrasounds and physical exams. But I guess if you need money, it’s a more palatable alternative than becoming a stripper or drug dealer, and substantially more legal than the latter alternative……

- The criminal justice system in this country would work so much better if everyone were able to self-administer justice like John Ross of Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. Ross, who was in court facing charges of battery with a firearm, decided to remove himself to the gene pool by fleeing custody while out on bond, escaping the Broward County courthouse and jumping into the New River. He was about to be taken into custody by deputies after being arrested again on drug charges when he bolted, running down seven flights of stairs, out a side door and behind the courthouse, where he jumped into the New River. Once he got into the water, Ross was treading water, trying to swim to the other side of the river without much success. Two deputies took off their gun belts and jumped in after Ross, but the current was too strong and they had to pull back. They did throw in a life preserver, but with a strong current and Ross baggy clothing, it was a losing battle. Ross sunk below the water, came up once but was unable to stay afloat. He drowned, with investigators finding his body on Friday afternoon. Kinda negates Judge Cynthia Imperato’s decision to revoke Ross' bond, no? According to Ross’ mother, he was under the impression that the charges against him were going to be dropped. Why he would think that, I don’t know. The courts aren’t big on dropping charges against convicted felons who are out on bail and subsequently re-arrested on drug charges. Regardless, you may want to think through your escape plan a little more if it involves water and you clearly aren’t a good swimmer. My man, before you go all Michael Phelps and attempt to ford the New River and its strong current, take a little time to ask yourself whether you actually know how to swim. And once you reach the other side, how exactly would you get away in soaking wet clothes, totally fatigued and with the sheriff’s deputies in hot pursuit? But hey, thanks for self-administering justice and relieving the court of the burden of prosecuting, trying and jailing you……….

- Pardon me if I don’t understand the uproar over Olympic great Michael Phelps being shown sparking up a joint in a British newspaper. The picture was published early last week and over the weekend, Phelps released a statement admitting the veracity of the photograph while acknowledging "regrettable" behavior and "bad judgment.” Why he feels the need to apologize and why anyone is upset is beyond me. Dude has been under a lot of pressure for quite a while, so what if he needs to roll a fattie and mellow out for a while. Pass the man some Cheetos and Funjuns, let him veg out on the couch for days on end and stop hassling him. He put in years of training, swam for five, six or seven hours a day and downed five times the number of calories of a normal man, all so he could slam on that Speedo swimming suit, jump in the pool and win
a record eight gold medals at the Beijing Games for the United States of America. If he wants to unwind with some tree, you need to get him a knit beanie and hackey sack and allow him to embrace his inner stoner. What you shouldn’t be doing is guilting dude into saying things like, “I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment……despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.” I do not accept your apology, Mike, because there’s no need for it. If parents are looking to you to be the guiding role model for their kids, that’s their fault for not being the role models they should be. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; stoners are some of the most mellow, peaceful and likeable people in this or any other culture, so don’t feel bad for being one……

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