- I never want to call anyone insane without firm proof…….but Randy and Evi Quaid are insane, despite their protestations to the contrary. The Quaids insist they aren't mentally unstable, using drugs or lying when they tell tales of being pursued by a mysterious and deadly group of celebrity-extorting assassins. That’s right, the same Randy Quaid who has been a consistent presence in a slew of major motion pictures over the years is the same Randy Quaid who, along with his kooky wife, was arrested last month in Canada and are due in court Tuesday in California after allegedly squatting in and wrecking their former Santa Barbara home. The mentally twisted twosome spoke about the alleged shadowy conspiracy against them Monday on ABC's "Good Morning America." "I genuinely feel these people are trying to kill us," Evi Quaid said. "We are refugees ... We are Hollywood refugees." Sadly, that was one of the more sane comments that came from the interview. When Randy Quaid got his chance to talk…..yikes. "They follow us, they tail us," Randy Quaid said in describing the "star whackers" from whom the couple claim to be running. "They tag our cell phone, they hack our computer. We're not faking it. We're confronting it." Confronting it….by squatting in your former home like a couple of drugged-out vagrants and fleeing to Canada like two people trying to avoid the draft? Sure thing, pal. Look, I get that there are plenty of pressures in Hollywood, even for an Oscar-nominated actor and his wife, but this is above and beyond simply cracking under pressure. These two, who were also previously accused of skipping out on a hotel bill insist that not only are they in danger, but other celebrities may be as well. Their list of potential targets, which I assume they got from the same spaceships that were coming to get the weirdos in the Heaven’s Gate cult a few years ago, includes Mel Gibson, Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears. By the way, I think if Mel Gibson disappears and we determine that he hasn’t simply gone on an extended bender, the most likely candidate in his disappearance has to be Hangover 2 star Zach Galifianakis, who led the cast/crew revolt to get my man Mel bounced from a guest spot in the movie. That dude clearly has it in for Gibson, so I’ve got my eye on you, Galifianakis. But the coup de grace in Randy Quaid’s bravura performance was his postulation that it was "very possible that Heath Ledger could have been murdered" by the group, which he said is seeking to make cash by assassinating celebrities. Here’s hoping this is just the Quaids’ version of Joaquin Phoenix’s bizarre “crazy train” performance over the past year that was, depending on the day, real or fake and for Casey Affleck’s documentary about the whole thing……….
- Of all the things a parent can do for their child, what screams “good parent” quite like throwing your kid - a 5-year-old, nonetheless - under the bus when you’re accused of a crime against children? Meet Ricky Bettencourt of Salem, Mass., who faces assault charges after being accused of firing a paintball gun at three girls under the age of 11. Seems that R. Bettencourt (allegedly) saw the three girls playing near some rocks in the woods and figured it would be funny and/or good sport to open fire on them. Not being a Massachusetts native, I can't say for sure what the paintball hunting season on minors is, but something tells me now is not that time. Either way, Bettencourt opened fire in the woods near his home, much to the horror of neighbors like Patty Basiliere. “I just can’t believe he heard the children and then aimed and shot. That’s what’s most upsetting,” Basiliere said. “The little one was hurt. She had a mark on her.” Perhaps if she had suited up properly for an impromptu one-man paintball battle in the woods, she wouldn’t have had that mark on her…..but I digress. So what does one do when accused of shooting paintballs at several girls, ages 7, 9 and 11? If you said blame it on his 5-year-old daughter, you would be correct. When police questioned him about the shooting, Bettencourt attempted to blame his own daughter. Problem was, the three targets he selected told a different story. Oh, and so did two other would-be targets that Bettencourt would have hit had he not run out of paintballs. Basiliere’s 12-year-old daughter said Bettencourt fired at her and his own five-year-old daughter while they were sitting together, but he was out of paintballs. “He shot it right next to us when we were sitting there,” the girl recalled. The situation when from bad to worse when Bettencourt’s own daughter sold him out, telling police that she had told her father not to shoot at the girls. “He admitted that he had three or four beers, so we can assume that that played a role in his decision making,” said Det. Lt. Conrad Prosniewski from the Salem Police Department. “Just a very irresponsible thing to do.” Wait a second, copious amounts of alcohol were involved in poor decision-making? When does that ever happen? Really, the funniest part of the story is that none of the girls were actually hit with a paintball, although one was splattered with paint. Police had enough to charge Bettencourt, although the charge most befitting him - being a ginormously stupid ass hat - is technically not an official criminal charge at this point, sadly…………
- The recently concluded Shanghai World Expo may have been one of the biggest wastes of money ever in a world where so many nations and individuals are drowning financially, but at least one interesting story came out of it. As the expo neared its end, a special visitor arrived: a driverless van that had just completed the longest-ever trip by an unmanned vehicle, beginning in Italy on July 20 and arriving in China, covering 8,077 miles and turning heads along the way. Over its three months on the road, the van traversed Eastern Europe, Russia, Kazakhstan, China, the Gobi Desert and even the Great Wall before arriving at the expo. Making the feat all the more impressive, the van ran solely on electricity. It encountered every type of weather imaginable - rain, blizzards and scorching heat - and arrived in Shanghai with no major problems, according to researchers monitoring its progress. One of its more interesting ventures was stopping to pick up hitchhikers outside of Moscow (no danger of hitchhikers killing the driver who picks them up if there is no driver). "We are really happy. It's a real milestone in our field of vehicular robotics," said lead researcher Alberto Broggi. The van was designed by Italian tech company Vislab, which equipped the vehicle with cameras, a carbon dioxide sensor, a GPS device and an off-road laser scanner. "This driverless trip to China shows how science can capture people's imagination through achievements that would recently have been unthinkable ... [and] provide major environmental and economic benefits," said Maire Geoghegan-Quinn, head of research, innovation and science for the European Commission. By comparison, the trip dwarfs Google’s announcement earlier this month that its self-driving vehicle had successfully traveled about 350 miles from its headquarters in Mountain View to Santa Monica, Calif. Google claims that among its fleet of self-driving cars, more than 140,000 miles have been logged. Volkswagen and General Motors also have driverless vehicles in the works, although for auto makers, it would seem something of a superfluous exercise to develop vehicles that don’t need a driver. The Vislab van’s trip took three months to complete largely because the vehicle’s top speed was 37 mph. "We had to intervene manually only on limited occasions, such as in the Moscow traffic jams and when passing toll stations," said Broggi. The van didn’t used maps, not even when it went off-road through much of Siberia and China. Its travel time was limited to approximately four hours per day to allow for adequate battery recharging. Two engineers rode in the van throughout the trip to prevent dangerous situations and three other manned vehicles accompanied it for protection. The van’s biggest drama came when it passed near a special demonstration on the outskirts of Moscow on September 10. A police officer approached the vehicle as it maneuvered in a pedestrian zone and as the van’s official trip blog reported, "He realized there was no driver! He then looked around and tried to find a clue of what was happening. He really seemed puzzled!" Broggi’s team attempted to explain what was going on and in the end avoided getting the first ticket issued to an autonomous vehicle. Border crossing were also tough for the vehicles, as was traversing the frozen hell hole that is Siberia. The European Research Council primarily funded the expedition in an effort to develop technology to increase road safety and fuel efficiency by supplementing driver decisions at the wheel. The commission believes that the project’s low-cost technologies could be easily integrated in most current vehicles' chassis. Now, if only something could be done about the morons behind the wheel of most vehicles……….
- FAT people attempting to lose weight with Weight Watchers, you might think that what I’m about to tell you is good news, but trust me when I say it has the potential to be disastrous for each and every one of you. Prepare for a brand new points system from your favorite un-FAT company, with the change having already been implemented in the United Kingdom and a similar system soon to make its way across the Atlantic. In the new U.K. version participants reportedly get "real living" points to treat themselves to occasional fast food treats or alcohol. Right, because that’s going to help them. These people got to be FAT because they couldn’t say no to those items in bulk. Just like you can't give a crack addict a small taste of the sticky icky and expect them to handle it without coming off the rails entirely, you cannot expect a FAT person to be able to control their urges and get just one Big Mac for a meal. That coke addict is snorting enough blow to kill an elephant and that FAT person is ingesting a minimum of 4,000 calories by the time all is said and done. Also under the new points system, all fruits and most vegetables will carry zero points and dieters will be allowed 29 ProPoints, compared with the previous 18 points. Why the revamping? Apparently the previous system did not sufficiently account for protein, carbohydrate, fiber and fat content in the food Weight Watchers in the U.K. "said it had decided to make the switch because 'science had moved on' and the previous style of calorie-counting had been proven inaccurate and outdated.” The new system will be called ProPoints and will launch in time for the new year. Donna Fontana, a Weight Watchers spokeswoman, verified that a new approach is on the way in the U.S. as well, but that the company is “not ready to discuss it yet.” She confirmed only that the U.S. version will not be called ProPoints. “As you can imagine, food is going to be different (for various countries),” she said. “Our research is based on consumers based in the U.S.” If waiting around for announcements by weight-loss companies about new ideas designed to make them more money and leave you just as FAT as ever, stay tuned because the big news is expected in mid- or late November. For those completely unfamiliar with Weight Watchers, the company assigns “points” to every food, based on its calories, fat and fiber. Any manufacturer who partners with Weight Watchers prints the points on a blue logo on the packaging of their products and dieters lose weight by limiting themselves to a specific number of total points consumed per day. Something tells me there isn’t enough space on a Big Mac wrapper to list the number of points it would take up in the plan………..
- Mike Shanahan has won a lot of games and even two Super Bowls as an NFL head coach, but he is jacking up his current team’s quarterback situation more egregiously than most of the blue-collar working men who sit in the stands on Sundays would if thrust into his position. The controversy began when Shanahan ripped starter Donovan McNabb, who the team traded for this offseason in hopes of him being its franchise quarterback, in favor of backup and noted NFL underachiever Rex Grossman with the ‘Skins trailing by six with 1:50 left in the game. When the offense went out to begin a drive after Detroit kicked a field goal to extend its lead from three to six points, it was the always inept Grossman under center instead of borderline hall-of-famer McNabb. So why make the change? Was McNabb hurt or sick and no one know? Umm, not exactly. Actually, we still have no idea what - if anything - was or is wrong with McNabb because Shanahan won't tell us. Instead, he tried to say first that Grossman had a better understanding of the team’s two-minute offense even though he’s never run said offense in a game situation for the Redskins. When that excuse didn’t stick after being flung against the wall, Shanahan then trotted out his next excuse, citing McNabb’s “cardiovascular activity” levels, which is another way of saying he’s FAT and out of shape. "The cardiovascular endurance that it takes to run a two-minute, going all the way down with no timeouts, calling plays, it's just not easy," Shanahan said on Monday. "If I thought it was the best situation to do, then Donovan would have run the two-minute offense." But if that’s the case, why is he playing in the first place, especially for a noted hard ass like Shanahan? This is the same Mike Shanahan who put defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth through the wringer and made him run the conditioning test for nearly a week before being allowed to practice as punishment for not participating in the team’s offseason program, right? And if conditioning if the problem, then what are the Redskins doing bringing in noted FAT quarterback JaMarcus Russell for a workout? Russell, who was recently cleared of criminal charges of felony possession of a controlled substance, a drink containing codeine syrup, when Mobile (Ala.) County sheriff's officers raided his home July 5, is attempting to get back into the league after eating his way out of it as a member of the Oakland Raiders. Ballooning to over 300 pounds at times, going 7-18 as a starter in Oakland and showing exactly none of the leadership skills a QB needs, Russell would seem to be the last guy Shanahan would bring in. Muddying the waters even further, offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan, the head coach's son, said that McNabb had been hampered by bad hamstrings and was told in advance that he may be pulled from the game. McNabb has publicly attempted to stay above the fray, saying only, "Coach makes the decisions. I can only say how I feel and what I feel think is best for me." With the team off for its bye week, this mess should linger a bit longer than normal and with players away from the team for some down time, odds are it will be Shanahan who fields most of the questions on the situation. In other words, prepare for more lies, half-truths and bizarre explanations that are inherently contradictory……….
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