- Of all the non-sports that people mistakenly refer to as sports, horse racing typically doesn’t rate a mention or rant because…..well, it’s horse racing. No one pays attention to it outside of the Triple Crown races and if the Kentucky Derby winner doesn’t take the next race on the series (Preakness or Belmont; I’m too indifferent to horse racing to bother finding out), then all but the most rabid, hardcore horse racing fans check out for the remainder of the year. But on this rare occasion, I’m going to waste a little bit of time on horse racing because, to be blunt, I haven’t laughed this much of been this amused by any sports or faux-sports-related story in a long time. If you’re even more insouciant to horse racing than I am (highly unlikely), you might have managed to duck the crapload of ridiculous hype and drama swirling around Zenyatta, a California-based horse that has captivated the world of this fake sport and divided fans into an East Coast/West Coast rivalry approaching the level of animosity between hip-hop fans from the two coasts a couple decades ago. Baiscally, Zenyatta is great at running around in circles with a midget strapped to her back and doing so faster than other horses forced to perform the same worthless task. She had down all 19 of her races up to this point and even won a race against an all-male field, which fed into the absurd buzz around what was expected to be Zenyatta’s final race, Saturday in the Breeders' Cup Classic at Churchill Downs. Media members and fans spoke about A FREAKING HORSE in reverent tones that made her seem like a deity and a human in a horse’s body than a member of the animal kingdom. Right, because the horse has a freaking clue what’s going on around it and that winning races makes it a lot of money and builds its reputation. Heading into the BCC, the hype was at an all-time high…..and then the bubble burst. All of the idiots who had been talking this horse up like it was going to change the world as we know it could do nothing more than sit idly by horse racing's superstar lost for the first time in front of a crowd of 72,739. As Zenyatta and her midget, Mike Smith, tried to rally from the back of the pack for the win, you could almost hear every one of the horse’s fans holding their breath and bracing for a punch to the junk. Then…..it happened. A late charge made for a close finish and after the result was resolved by a photo, it became official: Zenyatta was just another horse than runs fast in circles but isn’t bulletproof. No magic power here, just a horse than runs in races because its owners make it do so. Imaging Zenyatta fans weeping, starint dejectedly out into space as if life now has no meaning……it’s a good feeling, just not as good as a sobbing Smith saying after the race, "It was my fault. She should've won." Trust me Mike, Zenyatta has no clue where she finished and could not care less. Give the horse its oats, allow it to run around in a grassy meadow and I guarantee she won't ever bring the loss up in conversation……….
- Wisconsin, I know this is going to hit close to home, but please bear with me and trust me when I say that it will all be over soon….er or later. Cheese (outside of perhaps beer) is the one product that your state is most closely identified with and any time cheese has a bad day, Wisconsin has a bad day. So even though the tainted Gouda cheese sold at Costco stores in Arizona, California, Colorado, New Mexico and Nevada doesn’t directly involve Wisconsin, I’m sure you all are taking it hard. How can you not when cheese is accused of sparking a five-state E. coli outbreak that has left 25 people sick? Federal health officials are out there warning consumers to avoid the cheese because it could infect you with E. Coli, which can produce symptoms including bloody diarrhea, stomach cramps, dehydration and in extreme cases, kidney failure. The bad Gouda (and it hurts me to write those words because in my mind, there is no bad Gouda and not only because Gouda is so much fun to write and say - Gouda, Gouda, Gouda, Gouda) is Bravo Farms Dutch Style Raw Milk Gouda Cheese for sale and in-store tasting between October 5 and Monday. Anyone who purchased the potentially deadly cheese should treat it like a hazardous material, i.e. dispose of it in a closed plastic bag and place it in a sealed trash can. If you feel safe returning this possibly lethal dairy product in person, Costco also is offering refunds to customers who return the cheese. Whatever you do with this could-be-deadly dairy dud, please a) be safe and b) don’t think poorly of all Gouda based on one bad lot of it………
- What would be your first thought upon getting out of prison? It’s a tough question, given that most people have never been to prison or even charged with a crime. But try to think what you might do if accused of a crime, convicted of said crime, sent to jail and released. The first thing you would likely do would be go to see your family or friends, hug them and all them how much you had missed them during your time apart. You might go to eat at a favorite restaurant or choose to enjoy a home-cooked meal, perhaps take part in a favorite hobby you had been unable to engage in on the inside. You would not, I’m guessing, have 48 bottles of extremely expensive champagne paid for, ready and waiting for you at a prison release party at a Miami strip club. Then again, you’re not multi-platinum hip-hopper Lil Wayne, so you would not be celebrating your release from the slam at King of Diamonds -- a 50,000 square foot mega strip club that's equipped with a shoe shine station, massage parlor, basketball court and "fine dining." Yes, a strip club allegedly has fine dining, I’m as stunned as you are. What doesn’t stun me is the fact that Lil Wayne and his crew have already purchased dozens of bottles of PJ Rose Perrier-Jouët champagne at $700 a pop. Other fans and friends have also purchased complimentary bottles of the bubbly for him and as a special bonus, anyone who wants to purchase and gift a bottle of the expensive booze to a wrapper who could afford to buy tens of thousands of bottles of it will be allowed to meet him at the party to let him know about their gift. Attendees at the party are expected to include Drake, Nicki Minaj and Baby and the club has reportedly stocked up on extra security to make sure things don't get out of control………
- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! This time, everyone’s favorite overview of social dissidence worldwide travels to one of my favorite places in the world, good ol’ Deutschland. Germany is a great place to visit, full of culture, fun, beauty…..and people willing to take it to the streets to make their voices heard. This particular uprising took place in Dannesberg, where thousands of protesters came out to take part in anti-nuclear demonstrations in Germany, as the first shipment of waste in two years was transported from France to Germany. Protestors at the main rally in Dannesberg waved flags with the slogan "Nuclear Power? No, Thanks." The number of protestors at the rally was, depending on who you ask, either 50,000 (according to organizers) or closer to 20,000 (The Man). Either way, protesters are livid over Chancellor Angela Merkel's plans to extend the operating life of Germany's 17 nuclear power stations, storage of nuclear waste and the accepting the dangers of transporting it. The one achievement that protestors can point to is that they were able to block the train track on which the shipment was travelling, necessitating the use of an alternate route to move the waste. So even though these brave dissidents are fighting a major uphill battle, that doesn’t mean their cause isn’t just nor does it mean that their protest was not a success. So keep up the fight, anti-nuclear Germans, keep up the fight……..
- Literally, every public library in the United States has to have one of these stories. A story where a patron checks out a book, keeps it for a few decades, comes across said book in a storage box or attic and returns it with massive fines due. In the case of one unidentified patron and the Boston Public Library, the numbers are two books and 60 years, or a total of 21,959 days. “It is unusual and it's unusual to get it back. I am sure that some people don't go to the extent that this gentleman did to get the books back,” said Mary Frances O'Brien. The books, checked out in 1950, were finally returned earlier this week. And as usually happens in these cases, library administrators said they prefer to keep any fees off the books rather than collect fees that could equal someone’s entire monthly income. The unidentified patron mailed the books from Pennsylvania along with an anonymous handwritten note inside: “While going through the books in my library, I came across these two books that don't belong to me, they belong to you. I must have taken them out when I was a college student in Boston and put them among my other books, and never realized that I failed to return them.” One of the books is a tome by Henry David Thoreau, while the other is an autobiography by John Stuart Mill. “Considering they have been gone for 60 years, yes they are in good condition. He took good care of them,” said O’Brien. By the 10-cent-a-day standard the library currently uses for overdue books, the late fees would tally more than $4,200 for the two books, but the library actually caps fees at $5. “We make accommodations all of the time for people who may have lost books or returned them late. We just want to get the books back and we want to have our users come back to the library,” said O’Brien. Even for books checked out on Sept. 21, 1950, it seems like a sensible solution…….
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